Pet called last night. He adviced me to read a romance novel before I go to sleep. To erase the nightmares. So I decided to try it. After all, I have like stacks and stacks of romance novel in my room. Unfortunately, I picked up the wrong novel, To the Ends of the Earth by Elizabeth Lowell.
Although, I really love her writing style, reading her books are becoming a torturous process for me. Because her books emotionally sweeps you off your feet. Rarely do I cry while reading a romance novel, but hers always moves me to tears. But the impact of betrayal in her stories sticks in my mind. Haunts me when I even think of starting a relationship. The what if's are endless.
One paragraph that simply caught me in this book is :
Were I that strong, I wouldn't be here, alone. Another missed chance and another regret. I didn't want to get any where close to the storm, afraid. I feared that the storm will catch me if I wasn't fast enough or if I was left behind to face the storm alone. Now, I watch from far, far away always praying for you, hoping that you find all the happiness in the world. Wondering if I took that away from you. But, fear of losing held me back. I'm sorry for my part and I wished that I was wiser and stronger.
But today is not a day for sadness. Today we celebrate life and happiness. A close friend is getting married on Saturday and I shall be leaving for Penang this evening. I'll be the cheerleader, always smiling, joking. Maybe I'm tired of watching, maybe I'm tired of pretending that it doesn't matter. Or just maybe, it's the lack of sleep that's talking.
I will be in Penang till Sunday. I look forward to this wedding. She was a close friend and had gone through such a hard time for the past few years. Maybe finally, she finds happiness and joy that she deserves. I am happy for her and, yes, pretty excited.
I still wish that I didn't reach for that novel last night. My mood was pretty high for the wedding untill I read the title on the covers and open another can of regretful memories (worms anyone?). No, I've shed enough tears over this, now it's time to move on. Moving along...
Geezz... look at the time. Need to start work. Later!!!
PS: Pet, romance novel seem to work :D Mary, so does soothing tea, heh, didn't have to be herbal though. I guess the warm drink before bed works like a charm. Thanks y'all.
Love,
Julie.
I watched a psychotic thriller last night at home. After that movie, I hated the thought of going to bed. I knew that the nightmares will plague me all night long. It's difficult for me to have a completely dreamless sleep, all sort of images haunts my dream. Unfortunately, I rarely get those nice happy dream. Nope, always tormented by image of murder and mayham.
I wonder what a psychologist would say if I had told him about those disturbing dreams that haunts me. Guns and blood, torture. Murders that I could only watch. Pain, lots and lots of pain. The only silver lining that I can see it that so far, I've never been the one to deliver such depraved acts in my nightmares, always the victim or the helpless watcher.
I bless the nights when the dreams were so light, I can't even remember it in the morning. It means that it wasn't scarier or more shocking then normal. I remember nights when my parents would wake me up to give me pain killers when the whimpers or moans reached their ears. No, I learned not to talk about my 'dreams'. Especially when there are time when it feels like 'this' happened before or I have been here before.
I wonder, why is it that I have inherited such 'talent' from my grandmother. Although, hers were slightly different. I suffer constantly from mine while she was only sensitive during illness. I remember nights when I was afraid to go to sleep for fear of the unknown pain waiting for me. Yes, sometimes the nightmare comtinues from one night to another. Those are the times when I'd be up reading all night. Or playing computer games till I fall asleep at the keyboard.
I remember waiting for dawn, till the sun is up so I can sleep in bright sunlight. I believed that the lights will chase all those nasty dreams away. It worked. It didn't matter that it's possible that I was too exhausted to dream. All I know is that if I keep awake long enough, the dreams will stay away.
Last night? Some mildly disturbing dream that didn't even merit a memory. I wake up sleepy but my mind clear. So I ask you, do you believe? In things that go bump in the night? In unexplained phenomenon? I do. Welcome to my world.
Love,
Julie
I haven't been writing anything about Iraq. Right now, anything I say will sound like I'm beating a dead horse. Same ole, same ole. And yes, I am still concerned. Only that somehow I feel helpless right now. There is nothing that I can do the help the people in Iraq. Other than my prayers and donations if any. My retoric, my arguments has not produced any result. That somehow demoralizes me. I need to do something, to push the world towards change. But I am only a girl. One lone person fighting the big world out there. Do I make sense?
I have work to do. In fact I have lots and lots of them waiting for me now. My 'honeymoon' didn't last more then 2 weeks. Work is piling again. My schedule is hectic and I barely have time to read anymore. Today was the first day I caught up with Warblogging. Now, reading that I realise that a government that once pointed fingers at other 'corrupted' countries could also be hiding ugly things behind the Great Freedom facade. Democracy, like other words, just a word without any meaning unless you act upon it. Like peace, justice and trust. These are action words. I have yet to see this particular country do as they say. So words just becomes meaningless phases.
I have to go. Work calls. Later!!!
Love,
Julie.
Today had a promising start. Got a good review from the report that I prepared for my boss. I wanted to settle two things today. Alas it was not to be, this report took more time that I thought it would. Were it not for someone reminder, both my partner and I would have skipped lunched due to forgetfulness. Or worse, we were so wrapped in our work we didn't notice how time flies.
I feel quite irritated but that has to be due to I have very low tolerance for idiots and morons. Wish I could just fire this idiot. Singular, yes, am facing one idiot at work. *growls*
Weekend was a whirl of travel. I went to Malacca for a friend's wedding. Nice... She was wearing purple and for the love of me, she looked so grown up, I almost didn't reconize her. Argh!!!!!!!!!!!! I look like a gwaky kid beside her. It was a wonderful trip with really cool ppl. Some things, you just got to do with a group of friends.
Then the dreaded question came up, "When are you getting married?" I didn't realise that a complete stranger could just ask this. Were she my age I would give the most flippant answer but she was very much older. *sigh* I politely smiled and said, "I just graduated and started work. Later perhaps." Liar!!! The answer should be, "The hell I will." At this moment, I don't fancy the whole ball and chain thingy. Makes me want to bolt. It's one thing to encourage my friends to jump the broom, but another for me to do it myself.
Came back and had a pow wow with Cin. Had a really great time comparing about the men that we adore. In movies that is, not real life. We just could go on and on and on. But I had to go back. Cin, we should do this again.
I have to go. Work ended and by God I shall not stay back!!
Love,
Julie
