Today everything hurt's. My back is killing me. My head is aching and so is my feet. Today was also the day I realise that I have 2 things to prepare and that the deadline is next week. Wargh!!!!!!!!!!!! Headache!!!! There are times when I wonder about my capacity to finish work on time regardless of the things that is going on. What am I saying? I don't know anymore...
Have a very nice weekend ppl. Someone will work over the weekend. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who. GTG, later!!!
Love
Julie.
I didn't blog yesterday. I was so sleepy that I couldn't think. Hence my almost rebuilding an already working database because I had thought that the current one wasn't working ^_^; Heh, luckily I was still at the sketching and planning phase. I went to try the system at another person's pc and what do you know, it worked just fine. On everyone's pc except mine. I think, the program is trying to tell me something. Like, 'Create one more database and I'll quit on the spot.'
Wasted 2 hours worrying and the rest of the afternoon re-installing software. It didn't work, the database still refuse to work properly on my pc. *sigh*
Yesterday was mom's birthday. We had dinner at mom's choosen spot. I had the slight notion that she wanted to go else where, but bro wasn't there to help us steer her to the restaurant that she wanted to go to. Dad was typically hopeless, taking everything at face value. Never mind, 'Pet, we have to take her to a restaurant this weekend. Keep your lunch hour free this Saturday!'
I feel slightly better today. Maybe because I said something like, "Screw it, I want to sleep early and I don't care if I don't workout!' I've became quite anal about working out at least twice a day *wince*. I tried to argue for more sleeping time this morning but my habit stayed. Woke up and before you know it I was on the treadmill while reading a book.
I finally bought a new game. I've learned to despise some of the more boring point and click game. Especially when you don't learn anything from it. Like Omega Stone, ugh, hated that. Played for 1 hour and gave up half way since it was so................... boring.
Have to start work already. Later!!!
Love,
Julie.
Last night was difficult because I couldn't sleep. Another bouts of insomnia on my horizon I see. Not very logical I know but I can't help myself. The active brain just refuse to shut down. So I sat at my pc playing Solitare in hopes that it will bore me enough to put me to sleep. It worked..., eventually.
I am sad about something but I can't face it nor could I hide from it. I surely can't cry about it, crying doesn't solve a thing. In the end, I'd probably just turn around and walk away from it. That's what I do to problems that I can't face nor could I hide. Worse when I think that some thing isn't worth fighting for.
Over the years, I watched my fighting spirit burning lower and lower. I'd like to think that now I am wiser in picking and choosing my battles. But now, I just don't know anymore. Especially when I begin to decide that a lot of things is just isn't worth fighting for. Am I turning into a coward? Who me? Maybe I feel burnt out after fighting to go against the 'norm'. Or at least, the typical Malay norm.
Four years ago, I was a fire cracker. Justice was not a matter of ethics but it was personal. Now, even though I know that something is unjust, I've also accepted that somethings are not within my will power to change. Absolute power corrupted absolutely. Trust me I know. Been in an absolute power position and I took a lot of things for granted. Like unquestioning loyalty from ppl. I learned a lesson and hence my avoidance in local politics. I'd rather be shot dead.
Once upon a time, I wanted to join the local political scene. I wanted to make a difference in people's life. Now, I know better. I can find other ways to make people's life better but not through politics. I find the a$$ kissers to be annoying and back $tabbers to be moronic. I remember that I once arrogantly said, "If you think that you can do a better job, please proceed." I smirked when the other person failed. There are times when I don't really like myself and am not quite so proud of the things that I do.
Things on my mind
Recently a 'friend' said, "Maybe because I'm intellectual and you are not." I kept my peace when deep down inside I want to laugh and laugh. Honey, I wasn't critisizing you, it was a lame compliment when I said, "I could never read this type of books." Frankly, I don't give a flying **** about my intellect. I don't have the need to have all the answers nor do I put my worth in what I read or what I know. Think about it. You are more then what you think you are. By saying things like that, could hurt feelings but worse expose your biggest weakness, you.
Don't you just hate me now. *sigh* Look, I've kept my silence for so long and I think it's time that you know that we all love you for who you are. You are human with warts and all. No one is perfect and we don't expect you to be. Do like yourself, we do. We think that you are brilliant and no that's not a lie. Everyone is very special in their own way. Don't attack other people's weakness, you might just end up losing a friendship. A child is thoughtless, you are not a child. I think maybe, just maybe you should take a look around. Count you blessings love.
I have to go. My rant is at an end. Later!!
Love,
Julie.
Lately I've been attending quite a few wedding. There was Kak Mary's wedding, Hani's wedding and a few others that I seem to have forgottened their name, wait, Shyamala too is getting married. So I have been attending wedding reception left and right. Last Saturday, I accompanied my mother to her friend's daughter's wedding.
A typical habit that I seem to have is called self torture. I have gone through this quite a few times and I am beginning to think that I should avoid weddings all together. This is how it begins. Someone would be inviting me to their wedding. I'd be very excited. I mean VERY excited. I seem to enjoy anticipating wedding very much. You'd hear me sing, "Going to the chapel and we're gonna get married..."
Then I'd wonder about what to wear (sometimes I forget to plan what to wear and at last minute run around like a headless chicken.). I'd be happy for the bride and groom cause they found each other and love enough to commit for a lifetime.
Later, I'd attend the reception and see the whole ceremony and begin dreading things. I mean, yes, I am happy to them but I couldn't stop thinking that, "OMG, one day I might have to go through this." And the whole time during the reception I'd go, "OMG, OMG, OMG, if I have to go through with this, I'd die." Very unreasonable sure, but tell that to my scared self. I can't seem to get over this fear of wedding receptions.
Last weekend's wedding was worse. I didn't realise that I was going to meet so many of Mom's cronies. You know, those kind aunties who pats your head when you are knee high. I used to follow my Mom to work all the time. Meeting them again is like Yikes!! I was able to avoid all the social functions before by saying things like, "Sorry Mums, got to study this weekend." I admit, I hid behind my studies.
Now that I'm working, I have no choice but to tag along for functions that my Mom request I attend. So when they saw me, everyone exclaimed about how much I've grown and what a lady I was and la dida la didi. It took all my strength not to do two things, either bolt or hide under the table. Yeah, for an adult to be scared of kindly aunties it seems a little extrem isn't it? Except when they drag out those, "Do you remember how she used to...." *dies in humiliation*
Those 'kindly' aunties, whose children are lucky enough not to graduate yet, begin to tell me about how soon it would be my turn to get married, yada yada yada, the whole nine yards. I guess I looked horrified enough for them to drop the topic. Married??!! Married??!! I am too YOUNG to be thinking about getting married. A baby actually. I feel all 16 (or 9) still. Who've heard of an under aged child getting married.
The aunties loved the entertainer so much that they told me to keep in mind where they come from so I could call them for my wedding. Argh!!!! *runs around in panic* I don't want to get married and that's that! If I somehow become insane enough to want to get married, then we'll have a nikah and send everyone our studio wedding pictures. No reception! I don't care if I wouldn't get present that way. I hate being looked at and that includes wedding reception.
I'm not being rational about this am I? *sigh* Sure as a child I dreamt of happy ever after, but not the wedding itself. I mean, ppl gwaking at you, thinking "Well, somebody is getting some tonight." I admit, I am paranoid. Maybe Hani is right when she said that a guy has to trick me into marrying him. I have to go, some troubleshooting just came up. Later!!!
Regrads,
Julie
