9/1/04
Thin Red Line
Today is Hani's birthday!
Today is Hani's 23rd birthday. Am so glad I had a chance to go for birthday lunch with her. I missed her a lot due to her obsession with Adik. Hm... I do enjoy watching her sisterly devotion. Especially when they both stood up for each other. As I saw Hani, I wondered, what would she want from her life. If she had that one wish for her birthday, what would it be. But I kept my peace, don't know why though..
Instinct For Trouble
I didn't know what prompt me but I had the strongest urge to call Penang for some odd reason. When I did, I realized that Az needed me. It would seem that someone is trying to steal her ID. Though it's a big deal in US, in Malaysia it's relatively rare (I make ongoing research on fraud). Especially when it's a blatant attempt to steal someone's ID via the National Registration Department (NRD).
My friend who managed to produce the matching fingerprints were accused of lying about her claim to the ID. Can you imagine how it feels like? Someone is trying to delete her record of existence and replace it with someone new. They even prepared a new name for that fellow. Idiots, why would anyone doubt the fingerprint owner I don't know. The person who is trying to change the detail of my friends' ID is supposed the 'other' girl's representative.
I told Az to demand for letter of Appointment or Power of Attorney from the slimy idiot. If he can't provide them then it's obvious that he's lying. I also told her to make a police report on the attempt of identity stealing. To make it worse the idiot working with the Department of Registration said that she didn't know who to believe. Obviously someone in the NRD has been paid to create a false ID card.
Sex and friends
I confess, I'm a prude. As far as I'm concerned, all my friends are asexual. It's nothing personal, but I just refuse to imagine my close giggly friends in the sexual context. Even when I was the floor leader and everyone came over to share their problems. I will sooth ruffled feather, dry the tears and offer a strong shoulder for them to lean on. That was a piece of cake. But when they come to see me about love and sex, I'm usually sunk.
Love isn't so bad but sex??? Come on, I'm not experienced enough to discuss about what's 'right' and 'wrong' about sex. Hani might be able to pull off pretending to be the sex guru (sorry Hani) but I don't want to think about it. It might make me archaic and sexually repressed but I'm not comfortable talking about sex in mixed company. And, no Hani I am not a lesbian either. I have nothing against same sex relationship but I just don't fancy women.
Hani said that I have no finesse in asking questions. She might be good at beating around the bushes and getting the answers but I'm kinda direct. Blunt, if you will. So I asked a male friend about the existence of male sexual fantasies. I asked a yes or no question and unfortunately cat got his tongue. And I thought that we are such good friends and all. Luckily my brother is more open about the whole thing. We squared off and talked about the difference between males and females.
Sensuality
I surround myself with my five senses. I touch and explore textures. I smell different things and appreciate the mood that my nose tells me. I look at visual simulation and let my mind absorb the finer details. I close my eyes and quietly listen to the different sounds that exist around me. I put food in my mouth and savor the texture and taste of the food I consume.
Every different simulation of the senses simply blow me away. I guess a long time of blocking the finer points of my senses, it was overwhelming. Where there was a time when I fear to touch people, now I enjoy it. Linking fingers with friends while walking in a shopping mall. Taking time to deeply breath in the scent that essentially different for each individual. Looking, really looking at my surroundings as I walk.
Where once I fear to open my sense for fear of getting hurt, now I just let them wander. I don't have to avoid looking at people nor do I have to pretend to be someone I'm not. Not so long ago, I feel every silence is awkward but now silence is merely a time to regroup my thoughts and appreciate. It does help that my mind is constantly thinking about something. I don't have to hurriedly fill in the silence nor do I have to talk about anything I don't want to. Listening to people also serves me well.
I like tasting. Food, scent, texture. It's beautiful. Like the taste of scented teas. Friends used to call me crazy but now I watched in wary amusement as they indulged in beautifully scented teas. I like listening to people talk. Their experiences, wonders, thoughts and feelings. I enjoy watching happy people and sharing their joys. To me its not what I get out of sharing people's blessing, its the joyful emotion that I share.
The beauty of seeing someone receiving life's blessings. A new born child. The tiring life of new parents but seeing a proud smile despite the night feedings. They took the responsibility knowing the risk and hard work they have to face in the future. The expression of a father celebrating his child's First Moon (In Chinese tradition a red egg is distributed by the father when the new born sees his first moon).
Silence and Peace
Yet, now I realize that I took so much time watching that I become a quiet stranger amidst friends. I feel uncomfortable in my new skin. Like wearing a velvet evening gown during summer afternoons. As I become more thoughtful and retrospective, I feel like a stranger in my own life. It's difficult to hide that the things that weigh in your mind, especially from close friends. But how do I explain it? I don't even understand it myself.
On moments like this I remember TJ's hugs that makes everything feels better. I didn't have to explain but somehow she understood. It's so difficult to need someone. It's weak to lean on anyone but sometimes when things gets rough you need to know that you have a shoulder to lean on. A hand to hold and someone to walk with you until you find your balance once more. Foolish questions that makes me unhappy.
My deepest wish remain unvoiced. Maybe I fear ridicule, maybe I fear that the harsh daylight will kill a dream and turn things into a nightmare. But can it be any worse than it is? Maybe if I just voice them just once it will go far away. Very far away. Indeed 'life is nothing but a walking shadow. Full of sound and fury, signifying..., nothing' I misquote Shakespeare. I'm comfortable with the new me but am uncomfortable with the thought of becoming a stranger to my precious friends. Who am I? What a time to have an identity crisis
Love,
Julie
Dear ppl,
Today has to be the worse day of my life. I arrived at the office bright and early only to be greeted by a harsh e-mail from my boss. Boy, he's getting worse by day. This time he said that I ought to be working night and day to finish that accursed project, hinting that it was my fault the project got delayed.
Excuse me but your stupid hardware ppl were 1 and a half weeks late. Screw you. He was terribly stupid today. The e-mail states the flaws that's occurring in the system. My first reaction was, "You God damm idiot! I told you repeatedly that the system wasn't ready. Why the hell would you test a system that's not ready. That's like eating a half baked cake. Twit. Buffoon."
It was installed last Tuesday, finally after the stupid system engineer (remind me to tell you stupid monkey joke later) finished testing the server and lets us install the system, and you expect it to be up and running in an instant. Are you nuts? My first bout of testing already uncovered a huge hole in the whole system. I called the vendor up so that he could start the changes immediately. And my boss was making noises about stupid log sheet.
My dear sir, you made us 1 week behind of schedule despite the preparation I did with the advanced schedule. Every time your people screw up, you point a finger at me. I am not a database programmer. Access database doesn't count. I am not an IT man/woman. I'm deeply in love with finance and math, not programming. Currently I have the honor of transferring the tables into the database and I barely managed. I don't know SQL. I don't understand ASP. Get off my case and stop breathing down my neck.
By lunch time, I was almost in tears already. Being spineless I tend to back down from argument. Especially stupid pointless ones. I could feel my stomach acid eating up the lining. Soon if it doesn't stop, my ulcers will flare again. So I called up my beloved brother, Pet and talked him into buying me Baskins Robbins:) He agreed but forgot to tell me the price limit. Gleefully I eyed the ice creams and decided to get me a pint of all the chocolate flavor I could find. I shared some with office mates of course. I'm not going to grow fat alone.
Danny was puzzled over my over indulgence. I told him it's either ice cream or crying. And I refuse to cry about work! When suddenly boss appeared on our floor. I quickly grabbed the whole carton and finished the ice cream. I refuse to share my precious Baskins Robbins with the source of my misery :p Worked late again today. Spent most of the day on my feet. *sigh* Wish I could crack the server into tiny pieces and drop them into the sea. Probably cause I don't know how to write a query to get things done faster.
Well, later! Probably work late tomorrow too. See ya on ICQ if I'm at my pc. Today is my whine day. Hope you day was better.
Love,
Julie.
Due to lack of rest I woke up late for work. I would have called in sick except there's really a lot to do and we were really behind schedule. Not my fault but still a delay is a delay.
I need to get back to work. See ya!
Love,
Julie.
I'm Back!!!
Introspection
Today, I realize that there's still a lot of child left in me. Wee asked me about quitting time. I vehemently told her that I was going to go back on time. At that time the boss was perched at Safiah's table trying to find out about the pc configuration for the older pc. He looked up and grinned. I looked straight into his eyes and said, "I refuse to go home at 8 p.m. today." That made him burst laughing. I guess my childishness was really endearing since I was the only one who behaved thus. But seriously?
There was one time when quitting time was 4.30 p.m. and I was the only one left at the office on my floor. Realizing this, I quickly called up to boss and told him that I was only going back at 7 p.m. He jokingly asked, "Why so late?" After a long day of working I was cranky enough to whine, "Boss, I have loads of work and I an barely finish things on time." He quickly got off my case. I guess when it comes to work I usually humorless and mostly short tempered. Not to ppl but to myself. I hate it when things are not done properly.
The childish part? I would beg, cajole and bribe people to treat my work as priority. I get angry when boss criticize my work when he gave me urgent work with an even shorter deadlines. (Shoddy work. *snorts* You lump pile work and demand things to be done according to schedule. Funny, last I checked, my resume didn't say that I was either Lord Shiva nor Goddess Kali. I have only one pair of hands. While my mind can multi task, I can only do one thing at a time.) Plus I pout when I get 'cruel' words (ayat kejam) from my boss hence staying out of his sight unless summoned.
(W)ASP
What is ASP? According to Sin, its WASP (We Are Satan People) without the W. I had a good laugh over that. Currently I'm handling the coordination of database setup. Which means I get to do all the testing checkout all the errors and literally bug the programmer so he produce an errorless working system. I am working with SQL database without any experience. Funny? Maybe if you watch me try to figure what goes where.
Like, "Hey, where did that thing go?" or "Where again, do I go to edit this part?"and " Hmm..., patch file goes here right...*click's paste*...hey I got the wrong directory and I overwrote the files. Er..help, anyone, someone." Voon is very occupied with the pc settings and domains (I was helping her before my project was installed in the servers), so I can't bother her. Boss is also doing the same as Voon plus he got to figure out connection problems. But Niza and Wee was free so, they became my 'victims'. "Wee, my love, my darling, my precious and dearest of all dearest, could you edit these file names and merge the pdf. files," I cajoled. Luckily, she was free and did the whole thing while I configured the system for testing sometime this Friday. Niza had to go through the pdf. files one by one.
Now, do I really need to go to the asp class? I might cause we have an in-house project, but my project is nearly over. Soon it'll be Voon's turn to prepare her database for on-line purposes. I confess, I advised her against finding a vendor for that project. It was too small to go through all the hassle of dealing with bureaucracy. So I should help. On the other hand, I have other 'fish to fry' so to speak. Several fishes in fact. *sigh* Behave and help or keep quiet and do my thing?
Well, later!!
Love,
Julie.
Today has to be the longest working hour so far. I clocked in at 7.50a.m. and clocked out at 7.50 p.m. All 12 hours spent at the office working seriously working. I didn't have time for e-mail, no time for phone calls nope, I was working. I had to do pc setting until around 11 a.m. until its time for some system installation.
Driving Me Crazy
It was around 11.30a.m. when we started the installation work. Oh my God @_@ One of the system designer was wearing some really sexy perfume. The plus side is that I really enjoy working with him since he smell so pleasant but the minuses definitely outweighs the plus. Lets put this into perspective, my first reaction to the scent was. "Oh, my God he smells fabulous and I want to sniff him all day long." Then I thought of snuggling up to him sniffing that man all day long. LOL. He smell so good I'd bang my head on the wall to stop me from doing anything stupid. Thirdly, he's married, very happily so, I couldn't give into my impulse and chase him could I? I made it a particular habit of my to stay away from married men.
So the whole day long I had to sit within his vicinity smelling him all day long. I mean, I have a very sensitive nose that I'd recognize my parents by scent. So I was twitching all day long, moving around so that I couldn't smell him. *sigh* *sniff*sniff* "Ah....."*sigh* He was one of those males whom I thought was younger than I am. Thankfully as the day went on, the scent begun to wane and it wasn't that painful anymore. Wearing perfume to work should be illegal for males or females.
I mean come on, this guy was an IT nerd, smartly dressed and very quiet. Very sweet and polite. Gosh, no wonder I thought that he's my junior. We met more than once over business meetings. We dealt well with each other. Then suddenly he appeared at the office smelling so heavenly. *sigh* I mean sure the guys working at the office wears perfume but it's usually so heavy (those macho male stuff) that I'd be able to ignore them. But this particular smell made me salivate and I had to stop my claws from grabbing and saying, "Mine!!". I'm obsessed, I know. Strange really, I guess that taught me to let my guard down. *sniff*sigh*
Well, better go and check out dinner. GTG, later!!!
Love,
Julie.
I confess, I have this strange urge to laugh at people or things at the most inappropriate times. Like in a business meeting, department pow wow, or during demonstration. I make faces and when the person I'm laughing at turn and look, I tend to give that wide eyed "Who, me?" look. I do the same thing when boss assigne me to do asinine things like take down meeting minutes. *sigh* Bad habits are the most difficult to get rid of when one is mostly rebellious.
Then when you go out or hang out you tend to see really funny things that ppl do. Like tiny tots running circles around their parents. A bunch of teen hanging out trying to look cool. I remember doing the same once not so long ago. I'd see granma and granpas shopping with their entire family entourage. Watching them as they spoil the grandkids totally.
Watching them, I realise that even though we share the same area. We shop under the same roof, we exist in different orbit and completely different world. As you see people co-exist, you sort of feel sad. This sort of existence where everyone is a total stranger. I rarely see a stranger helping another stranger. It is becoming the world where ppl survive according to Darwin's theory. Survival of the Fittest.
While this theory might be fine if you are born somewhere in the middle class or upper class, it could be absolute torture to be poor. But if you mix with them, you'd notice that help is more readily available. Sad really sad.
GTG, have to do more pc setting.
Love,
Julie.
Dear ppl,
Today I was so busy I didn't have time to blog at work. I also had the privilege of having the boss breathing down my neck. He decided to hang out mostly on our floor today so no hanky panky was going on. I had a few things to settle before I can blog in peace.
Lord of the Rings
I saw the final trilogy yesterday. Finally! But I was a tad disappointed. I expected more but in the end, well... lets just say it could have been better. Sin said that it was ok considering everything. I just felt that the movie was a tad hurried you know. Okay, 3 hours and all but my brother told me that they had to cut 1 hour of the movie during the editing process. Figures, there were some quite abrupt change of scene. Well, I'm no movie critic.
Love? What is it?
My brother talked about maturity and how his saw the wisdom in waiting for the right one. Until then, well, why not disturb a few girls while he's looking for the one. I watched with some amusement as he sails along on his path occasionally teasing those few he knew he had no danger of getting attached to. But after a while it grows irritating. My dear brother, why is it so difficult for you to just choose one and settle down? He said it should be someone that he could be passionate with:) Hmm....hmm.....
I don't know. How long can passion last? Wouldn't it be better to seek someone who is mentally compatible with you? I guess after dating that many girls over the years, he is merely seeking for some sense of connection. BTW could you just do it soon? I'd rather see you wed before I die you know. Life is so fleeting that it just passes in front of your eyes.
Az mentioned about her mooning over ZK. I pity her but seriously it just has to stop. I was evil enough to tell her that her prince charming wouldn't be knocking at her door seeking for this particular girl that looks exactly like her. Just like the fact that diamonds wouldn't be dropping from the sky into my lap anytime soon. RELAX!!!! Give it time. You are still so young.
Madness, total madness
Have you ever seen this one person that shocked you so badly that you sort of said something stupid out loud? I just did that today and made a complete fool of myself. Idiot! I had Niza looking at me in concern. I say the darnest things when surprised. Like, "Oh, mak kau lompat." (Oh, your mother jumped.) This time it was worse. I blurted out, "What are you doing here?!" Argh... embarrassing. Mature working girls aren't suppose to do stupid social blunders like that. We are suppose to take things in our stride. Remain calm as if I stumbled into this sort of situation everyday. Instead I babbled about my deadlines and packed schedules. I'm doomed.
On the other hand, I didn't have much practice in peer social occasions. You know when you meet someone about your age that you don't have to particularly be at awe but on the other hand they aren't really your friend. Merely acquaintances, important for work socializing but not personally. Plus, this one really cute person I met during the many business meetings, he was more than slightly older than I was. After spending the whole time treating him like he was my younger brother, I found out from a very amused workmate that he's not quite as young as I thought he was. Why does this happen? *sigh*
Well, if there's nothing else, I shall return to my games. Ta...
Word of Wisdom: Father said "Do not judge others based on your standards of how things should be. That's not fair for the both of you. We are all individuals who lead our own lives with different experiences. Our character was build based on our reaction to our surrounding experiences. A man might act like a pompous bore when he's constantly surrounded by one. Birds a feather flock together and all."
Love,
Julie.
