I have met a couple of guys lately. Heh, yeah, a regular play-girl, that's what I am >___< I made friends with them because they were nice and friendly. The first made friends with me over his work place problems. The second was when I..., sortagavehimrayacookies. It wasn't deliberate, I swear, I just didn't want to bring them home and offered it to him. ^_^;;
The first one became a good friend but the second..., was somewhat scary. No he is not a monster. He is very nice, and kind, very gentleman and he makes me feel secure. In a relationship, one always play the part of protector or someone who takes care of the details pertaining to safety and the other goes la la la... Fortunately in most relationship, couples tend to protect their partner in their own nichs like finance, career and physical safety. Again, I digress. I don't really want to write about this but I need to be honest with myself.
Okay, I have taken 10 mins off from posting. Now, I have to continue.
This second person somewhat takes care of me. What scares me is that he sees me as a woman. (No, TJ I so don't dig pedophiles.) It's more then that. Men has seen me as a rival, an a$$kicker, a mentor, a friend, a side kick, and a counselor. This person looks at me and sees a woman. I find that to be scary, because I am a lousy at being a woman.
I'm back from troubleshooting :P
I know who I am, as a daughter, sister, friend and as a worker. But my identilty as a woman..., confuses me. It's like I've never thought about it. I never had to think about it. Now that I'm 23, there is no more excuses. All this while there's my forbidding mother, my scary brothers and my age as an excuse. Now, my brothers are ok with me dating (they no longer need to interview boyfriend candidate), my mother is accepting (the neighbours are asking about my boyfriend) and I am already 23 (no longer professionally studying).
Yes, I do tend to think things to death(not as badly as TJ but...). Right now I am suffering from symptoms of needing to run. The need to avoid this man. To hide. He threaten my balance and my security. (Notes the chariot tendencies.) My need for predictibility.
On the other hand, he is exectly what I had wanted. (Take note ppl: God has a very weird sense of humor cause he sometimes grants your wishes. This happens all the time in my love life.) I wished for someone quiet, gentle and kind. His hands are gentle but firm. He has the serenity that I envy. And I really like that. But my fear.... Ah, need to force myself out of this. Out of letting my fear dictate me. Bad fear, bad.
Well thats that for now. Let's see what happens next. Later!!!
Love,
Julie
My life long lesson so far is to learn self-mastery. Firstly, I had to master my temper. I have a wicked tongue on me. So when I get angry enough, I tend to give a very sharp set down. I am very good at hitting where it really hurt. It's a dammable talent. Worse, I don't need to be your friend to know where your soft spots are. So as I was growing up I do tend to leave my victims bleeding.
On the other hand, I am very sensitive and kind. I guess I still am. That is one thing that I can't seem to master. My kindness and sensitivity can be dammable at times. It hurt both way or it might just hurt me. My need to spare ppl of pain can sometimes hurt myself. Nor could I shield myself from other ppl's insensitivity. So my solution is to keep an impassive face and keep on going.
Now days, I have more restrain on my temper. It rarely gets full blown. Ther are bits of temper tantrum that I use to hide my personal-self when I'm with ppl. In fact, the last time I completely blew was almost 2 years ago and 4 years ago. (Hmmm... a trend of blowing every 2 years, Note to self: Must observe this.)
On a typical day when someone is raring for a fight, I'd go, " la..la..la.. hmmm...? *silence and blank face*" Say something very smart Alex-ish to another friend and I proceed to ignore whoever. But when someone do something that I feel somewhat undeserving, like scolding me in a very rude manner in public without a good reason, I tend to re-act very badly. V.E.R.Y B.A.D.L.Y. Like instead of letting the anger/negativity slide off, I'd go, "Well? Bring it on." At worse, I'd jump in with my fist swinging (thankfully it hasn't happened before).
I tend to walk away from fights and argument because its simply counter productive. It wastes energy and emotion. I am somewhat very good at reasoning things out. And most of the time the victory isn't worth the fight. So I let things slide and walk away. But when you humilitate me in public, trust me, I'll skewer you.
So far three friends had lost my trust in them. That's what happen. I might just delete you from my reality until you apologise. And even after you do, I can't seem to force myself to trust you not to hurt me again. So I can't level with you and we remain superficial friends. "Hi darling! mwah! mwah! How are you?" *end deep of conversation*
I do have friends who becomes concerned. The ask, "What makes you dislike her so??" At first I tried to explain but as times goes by I don't bother. There is just not trust. End of story.
Yesterday it happened againg. Maybe, this time I need to learn to re-act differently. I am older and now much wiser. I should have known better. But as usual, I hid behind my impassive facade. Cheerful but as usual I deleted that person from my reality. I talk to that person on need basis. Other than that, she is just invinsible. I need to think this through. Ideas anyone??
My birth cards are The Chariot and the Tower. Lessons in control and rebirth. I notice as times goes by I continueously burn and rise from my ashes. Learning control and new realities. Not bad... At least I'm not boring *shrugs*.
GTG, later!
Love,
Julie.
I am very excited the new PoP: The Warrior Within is already out. Yey! I am excited but am very afraid. It looks so much more difficult then the last. Worse, it's longer. Need to take time off once I have the game in my hands.
Ha ha. That's all. Later...
Love,
Julie
