At night I sleep and dream of you,
Only to awake in my empty room
Men and the Complications that They Bring to One's Life
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure?
If frown is shown, then
I will know that you are no dreamer
Yesterday a close friend called with a disturbing news. The person that she went nuts over was getting engaged. To be fair he didn't exactly promised her anything. So technically she shouldn't be emotionally involved with him. But how exactly does one keep the heart secure from emotional commitment.
There are a few of us who are commitment phobic. Well, at least I am. They mostly have not found the 'right one'. And even if they did, 'the one' does not return their feelings. I guess, in my case, as soon as someone approached me with more emotional regard then I can handle, I have the strongest urge to RUN!!!! Over the years, the same reaction remain the same, although it has mellowed some. Now I am frozen solid in place while my head screams for me to run.
Laugh on, I know you want to. I laughed at myself too. Right now, someone is trying to firmly convince me to get attached. But typical me, I have the strongest urge to flee. It doesn't matter that we communicate over e-mails. It makes me want to delete the email and reformat the hard disk. Sick huh?? One part of me says, "Julie, please be rational about this. All that wild emotion running through you cannot be healthy." But the irrational, instinct says, "Julie, RUN....!!! While you can. RUN...!!! He is just so wrong. He probably want to make you his slave."
LoL! Such drama. Unbecoming for someone my age. I read the e-mail and my cheeks heated up. I hate blushing and since I do it so rarely, its embarassing. Plus its not like he said anything improper (gosh that sounds so old). It was just an e-mail stating his intentions. I want to be a 9 year old again. When the only thing that's important are my toys and best friends.
Ilus
Sukitooru sono me no naka ni
tashika na imi wo sagashite
Egao mitsuketai
I want to find a smile in your transparent eyes as I search for a definite meaning in them
There is a friend that I haven't seem for many many years. His name used to envoke such violent anger from me. Some who made the mistake of mentioning his name will be silenced by my glare. It's not that I hated him, on the contrary, its just that his name seems to remind me of his past stupidity. We bonded over as simple factor, English language. Both of us are fluent and its difficult for me to revert to my native language back then.
Now that I met him again, I see changes in him that makes me sad. He was no longer that cheerful ourgoing person that he was. Now he is distant, quiet. Sure he laugh and smiles but he seems more subdued then normal. Even discounting what life has wraught on him, he seems to be a shadow of who he was.
Nowdays, its rare for me to see his smile reach his eyes. I resent the people who made him this way. Whoever that person(s) are. I told him so. That he was no longer the happy person that he was. He denied it. But you can't deny when someone as social as him begin to keep people at a safe distance. Sure he laughs and jokes with them but I can sense the distance. The fact that he stands apart from his friends.
But that is life. People change. Even I do. I used to be a reserved individual. Sure I have friends, but I hide my thoughts and feelings. Mostly. Now, I say what ever I feel and think. Why? Because it's better for my mental health. I sort out my thoughts by expressing them. What better way to settle all my problems in life?
This post is long enough already. GTG, later!!
Love,
Julie.
Stupid Answers for Stupid Questions
Situation 1:
Interviewer : Tell me about yourself.
Obviously the relevant things are stated in your resume. This question is meant to test you thinking pattern. Or you could just assume that the interviewer was just too busy to read your resume and just pick the candidates randomly. Here is an example of a self destructive answer:
Well, I have a temper of a Gorgon, manners of an ape and I hate people. Personally I think we should choose the selected few, send them to space and nuke the whole planet. I don't like talking to idiots, that would cover perhaps 2/3 of the planet, and I tend to find stupid people annoying. I am anti-social and the only reason why I applied to this job is for the money. I heard that you pay VERY well.
Interviewer : ...
Situation 2:
Question: Why did you apply for this post?
Firstly, no idiot like to work if they can get money for free without working. But some company decided that this question is somewhat intelligent. Hence, the existance of all sort of gibberish and drivel is given by a candidate to impress the interviewer. They get hired and suddenly turn into an incurable sloths.
Answer: I like the idea of working less for more money. I was informed by one of your staff that they don't really work, they laze around from 9 to 5 and get pretty good money hanging out in the building. Plus any job with this company will make my peers go green with envy. What else could a guy/girl want? *Shrugs*
Situation 3:
Question : Why should we hire you?
I really hate this sort of question. My first answer would be :"How the hell would I know?" But typically they want you to convince them to hire you.
Answer: Cause I am good and you know it. I'm sure that I'd be able to take over your position in 6 months. Plus I am an overachiver and your company could do no better then to hire me. I find that this company needs restructuring and we have to change the whole company culture. If you hire me, I'd be able to do that within the year.
The End
I obviously need to go out during lunch hour. *sigh* I am mean, I know. Later ppl.
Love,
Julie
I haven't been to Warblogging for eons. For the past December 2004, my office was on renovation hence the lack of internet at work. I also had chicken pox for 2 weeks (no I am not kidding nor is it funny). So I only worked in total of 2 weeks on and off as I needed to finish my leave. Excuses, I know, lame excuses.
The truth was, someone was offended with one of my comments. That stopped me from commenting when ever I was online. Plus the busy, hectic life of balancing work with personal quests. Pretty childish huh? To be offended so easily and to stop so quickly. I hate hurting people. And I am smarter than to try to enlighten people who believe and have faith in what they are saying.
Experience has taught me that when revelation happens, they turn to me and said I was right, I have to strongest urge to bash my head. People matter to me, regardless of who, and watching them self destruct/self inflict pain is not easy. Worse is when people throw my opinion back at my face. I get angry because I had their interest at heart. Anger is not good. At least that was what I learn growing up. Now I learn to keep mum whenever I feel that I am belabouring a point. Repeating the same thing 10 times doesn't enlighten, it's called nagging.
Now that a kind poster had informed me that a fellow poster had enquired after my health, with the tsunaim in Asia and all, I was touched. There are times when I think that the message that I try to push in Warblogging gets swallowed up amongst the intellectuals. I am glad that I matter. (Yeah, they are very good debator, I really like their logic flows, the regulars at least.) Thank you JMF, you are a very thoughtful person.
Warblogging has taught me of critical thinking at its sharpest. At least the commentors does. I read and digest opinions and arguments. When I disagree, people are mostly tolerant of my views. Warblogging isn't all about war. Its about freedom of speech and peace.
Thank you all.
Love,
Julie.
For the past December and the pattern seem to be continuing, I am still generally angry. Not at God as much as humans. So for the last weekend, I jumped at the chance of going for a quiet retreat amidst the forest. A friend called and said that she was lonely. So I packed up my bag and went over at her place to cheer her up.
If you haven't notice, I have a tendency to be noisy when I am in the mood. Plus I was to supervise her driving practice. Some ppl liked my assistance during driving practices due to my lack of cruel words. Nah, I nag. Nag, nag and nag. "When you .... you do ...", seem to be the extent of my lecture. Occasionally I'd pull on my hair but usually I don't give up.
So I was in living amongst the forest for 2 days and 2 nights. We went driving, shopping, walking and generally enjoyed each other's company. It was a long time since university days when we would talk on daily basis. Stuff comes up, so does ppl when you are an adult. We were in the beginning somewhat ill adjusted with our new working surrounding.
When you are blessed with good friends, somehow you then to expect in in your life. But when you start working things aren't always rosy. In your personal life you can block out fools, idiots and S.O.Bs but when you work, you have to deal with them either on and off or constantly. So when work ends and night falls, you switch on your pc and talk your friends online or you pick up the phone and call someone.
Was I ever so foolish to think that I could control my environment? No such luck. As San's icon once read, "Life happens and you deal" (or something like that). That's how I try to function. I try not to let life's obstacle stop me. However, I get angry and that is not condusive for life. *sigh* Again I degress.
Anyway, a friend has brought to my attention that men, in general, are afraid of/intimidated by women who are more successful/macho/smarter then them. Is this true? Well, more specifically, typical Malay man. They seem to have a need to 'dominate' their women and show them who wears the pants. I find this to be sad really. Is having more brains, a crime for women?
Bah, I don't care. I kick a$$ and I rock :D Got to go.
Love,
Julie
The recent development in Asia with the tsunamis caught everyone by suprise. Looking back, you'd realise that when people become a tad to arrogant or secure in their position, the fate does something to remind you that life indeed is very fragile.
For a new year entry, this doesn't sound too cheerful does it? Right now I'd settle for sober. I am moody and angry. I am tired.
Love,
Julie
