Julie's Gripe Page

Yes, yes I haven't been blogging lately. I apologise. I have a huge work load and it took a lot of time away from my blog. I read ppl's blogs but I find it too hard to blog since ppl keep on interrupting. Very nasty thing when you're trying to just put your thoughts into words and people going, "Lily ah, can help or not?" Gah, lets not talk about that anymore.

I have been keeping up with the world politics, news and etc. Same ole, same ole story. Death and more death. That also I don't want to talk about. So what do I want to talk about....?? Nothing. See... that's why I'm too lazy to blog. My life is boring and the world is in chaos. What's new?

Oh! And I am thinking of organizing a buka puasa for the Muslim YCCians, provided that they have the time. The others are welcome to come. The more the merrier. I'm not making any sense any more, am I?

Damm it to hell. Okay, I am officially closing this blog until further notice. That means I will blog maybe once a year or maybe never. Thank you for visiting this page. I'm losing my ideas. Maybe now I no longer need an audience peeking into my life. I feel confortable, alone. Sounds dire though. Hmmmm....

I honestly don't have anything to say.

Wait, there's one thing. I've decided on a radical change. I want to become a hermit. I want to meditate and think about life. Wonder about the human nature. Treat others exectly the way they treat me:) I'm turning into a monster...... Hahahahah!

Okey, that's obviously a lie. I've always been an evil monster. (according to reliable sources, they are my close friends you know.) Why is it the we yearn what we cannot have? I want love unconditionally, from friends, family and my sweetheart. That like, so not happening. I'm tired of dancing to other people's tune. I give up all attempts.

I guess Az was right about looking for love in the wrong places, in this case people. Now when it's all over, all I have left is ashes in the wind and my bleeding blistering hands. The fire has burnt out and I'm too tired to find fuel to keep it burning. So I took the easy way out, I quietly slip away through the back door.

I thought that I could leave with dignity and hold my tears back through sheer stubborn pride. Not a single whimper passed my lips. I keep on walking and refuse to look back. But memories always has a way of forcing me to looking back. It says, "Remember the good times and turn back. Don't give up. The love is worth saving. Remember your great love for this one."

So I turned back. I took that one into my heart thinking that maybe things have change for the better. Maybe if we try hard enough, things will work out. We have love, don't we. Surely our love will survive all the trials standing in our way. But tried as I had, it became clear that I cannot change this abusive relationship into a life time of commitment. I cannot save you, and I am very sorry. It seems the Goddess you put on such high pedastal has indeed clay feet.

So this time I walk away for good. Clutching my battered heart and soul in one hands, I walk away. This time, I wouldn't look back. I've cried a thousand rivers for you, there's no tears left. I walked bare foot a thousand miles for you, my soles are bleeding. I swam the 7 seas for you, I'm so tired that I'm drowning. I've burn myself so often for you, I can no longer rise from my ashes.

I don't have anything left to give, I dedicated my life to you. But you remain indifferent. There's nothing I can do to change you, save you. My sacrifice for the one I thought worthy of my love. Someone who would love me, cherish me and keep me safe. I was wrong.

I thought that when my life showed two paths, the right path leads to you. I was wrong. Now I choose the other. Life might me a little colder without you to hold on to. But at least I can live my life with dignity. I will not become your personal rug. I don't want to be trampled over. My notion of love was wrong after all. Loving is not about giving. It's about sharing. Because when only you give, sooner or later, there will be nothing left.

This is the hardest decision in my life. This time I thought about it. I didn't ask people for advice. This time it has to be my decision. Only mine.

There is nothing more to say. I shan't touch you, not even for the last time. I'd just lose my mind and walk back into your waiting arms. Waiting to abuse me.

Adieu.

Lily.