Yup, I really thought that I'd have some time to blog yesterday after the interruptions but no such luck. *curses* Well, am back struggling with database. I really wish that I'm good at programming =(
My mind is preoccupied with things that has no relations to each other. That means I'm mildly distracted, unless if I was working. Hence, the things I hear when ppl talk to me is usually different from what they say. For example, "Wow, that shop has a lot of ppl in it, it there sale." would become, "Wow, that shop has a lot of ppl in it, such a pity." And I go, "What??!!"
Can one go quietly insane? Maybe not. What am I thinking?? I don't quite know. My thoughts jumps from one issue to another. I wish it would stop. Like now, I better finish databasing so I can relax this weekend.
Have a good weekend ppl. Later!!
Love,
Julie
Something came up so I'll just have to update this entry later =D
Last night has to be the strangest so far. I went to bed around 10 p.m. only to be awakened at 12.40 a.m. thinking, "OMG, I forgot to change the DB back up tape. I am so screwed." Feelings of impending doom was enough to make me leave my warm bed. Typical me as soon the stress factor sank in, I started feeling hungry.
So I went down to to have an apple and to watch some TV to distract me from my worries. I really really wanted to pace around to calm down, but I caught hold of myself and flipped the channels instead. Worry, worry, worry... Why didn't I remember to change the back up tape? My boss is going to kill me. What if the database system back up re-write the previous day's back up? Die, die, dies....
At 1.50 a.m., I finally had enough and said, "For heaven sake, it's not like you have to key to the office/building/server room to do anything about it." So I forced myself to sleep thinking, "Sleep now, pay for your sins tomorrow."
Woke up rushed to office only to find out that the server room is locked and the person with the key was not around. Run around to find the key and failed. When the IT guy arrive, made panic statements about forgetting to change back up tape. Sounded more like, "Boss is going to kill me!!!". The when the server room was open, I found out that tape was changed yesterday by the IT Exec. *sigh of relieve* There are times when I really should have faith in others.
Well, lookie... times up. I have to go. Later!!!
Love,
I have no mood to work. Yes, I did my work, it is after all my only source of income, but I'd rather play stupid monotonous puzzle game. Why? Cause I need to distract myself from things that I cannot change nor could I do anything about. The only thing that I could do is keep my peace. I mostly live in solitary silence. It's true, sometimes silence can be so loud, so punishing.
But this time I enjoy this punishing silence. I read philosophy books, stop reading news, finished Prince of Persia the second time, listen to music and most importantly keem my thoughts to myself. For once I don't have to justify my feelings, thoughts or opinion. I stop having to please people that cannot be pleased.
Sometimes I wonder how it would feel to live alone, far away from the maddening crowd. Now I know. I have better balance and I find it easier to stop all the negative thoughts that runs through my mind. Now there's no one to remind me of my weakness or to list out my faults. Good... I have to learn to believe in me.
From the books I read, it said that we are what we think ourselves to be. The people around us might affect who we think we are, but only as far as we let them. How high we fly or how low we drag ourselves depends on us. If we believe all the negative things, then we become depressed. If we believe all the positive, we become insufferable. Always the middle ground the safest.
There are times when we make a mistake. Instead of berating ourselves over it, why not think of it as a lesson learned. I don't think that any of us have any time to learn from the mistake if we are to busy beating ourselves up over it. I confess, there are times that I say "Idiot, Julie." But, I have to move on, otherwise I'd be stuck in one place unmoving. Self tirade over stupidity is really a waste of time. It's not like we can undo the mistake by beating up oneself.
I am not really in the mood to write, I feel a bit listless. I know why but there's nothing I can do but wait. I have to go, work calls. Later!!!
Love,
Julie
Life is so ironic that sometimes that you'd think that it has some diabolical scheme to make you crack. Yes, last weekend was a bit tougher to me then usual. The toughest so far as I can see it. It made me re-evaluate my life and think if my life is worth living or better of ended. I rarely think this way. I'm usually stronger than this but for once I wanted it to just end.
I stood at a treshold where I'm suppose to decide where I'm going to do next. To which direction to go to in life. I have to decide if I wanted to depend on ppl. Emotionally and mentally. I have to decide if the pain is worth the joy that the suffering brings. For once, I can honestly say that my heart is broken and I wanted to lay down and die. Instead I found refuge in sleep.
Today I woke up feeling pained but alive. Things could get worse but at least I know that I can actually survive. I also learn that abuse don't only happen physically, also mentally. I have to change again, like a pheonix, rising from its ashes. I have to rise from ashes of self defeat and again build my life to suit my current situation.
Do you know how difficult it is to fit into everyone's plan. I seem to grow the wrong way somehow. I now realise that I've been living a never ending nightmare called perfection. How could I not? I am constantly asked to change to become perfect. Always more and more, better and better. Pushing and pushing until I can't take another step anymore. By now, I'm twisted like a pretzel trying to turn my circle into a square.
I have the unfortunate rebellious streak inside of me. It can be supressed until so far. Sooner or later it usually makes it presence known. At the wrong moments, mostly, when I should have been patient. But the supressed rebellion violently protest the silence and hence the verbal arguments. It got me into trouble more often then not didn't it?
Well, I guess there are time that I shouldn't take it standing down. I have to learn to calmly speak my thoughts instead of lashing out, shouldn't I? *sigh* I want this thing to pass quickly.
I have to go. More work waiting. Later!!
Love,
Lily
