Stupid Birthday to Me It's been a really long time since I last posted. I've actually been trying to post but I never really finished posting my messages. However, I did actually write something down that I'm planning to just scan and post on this site instead of retyping it. Although, it would just be plain stupid so I won't. Anyway, I just thought I would at least do my little annual post. *sigh* I feel pretty good today, actually. Okay, so I cried like five times already. However, it did feel good to release all these tensions. But I also think that the reason I feel better than all previous years is because I've accepted God. Yup, you read correctly. Sure, I was influenced by the retreat again but.. I actually stuck with God this time. Usually, I give up in like a week. --;; I guess it was the sermon given. All the sermons given by the guest speaker [Pastor Kim] seemed like they were directed to me. Every single sermon applied to me. *sigh* So yeah, I think it was okay. A lot has happened in the past year and a lot has changed. But I reckon I'll be more descriptive next time I write an entry. For now, I think I'll just barf up the delicious lobster dinner my mum made for me, just like every year. Have a nice day. Videl saw ZaiZai at 08:37 p.m. on Sunday, August 31, 2003.    boredom Wow. I haven't written in this thing in a really long time. But I doubt I have anything to write. I'm cured of obsessions as of this moment. I don't like any guys, don't like F4, don't like anything. It feels kind of nice. Not being trapped. But, it's also kind of empty. Well, besides my little Draco/Ginny obsession. But I'm growing a little tired of it. I have this whole stack of anime to watch. .hack//sign, Get Backers, Dragon Drive, Hikaru no Go, Hunter x Hunter, Naruto and some others I can't remember. It just doesn't interest me anymore. Crap, crap and more crap. Reading manga from Shonen Jump is more interest. Though, too bad we only get it every month. It bores me. Oh well. It doesn't matter. I shouldn't be worry about what to do during my spare time. I must study, study, study to be a freaking dork. Well, not dork, but nerd. I also have to stop procrastinating on filling out that stupid job application/permit crap. *sigh* I'll get right to it. Here, some eye-candy. Videl saw ZaiZai at 08:35 p.m. on Saturday, May 10, 2003.    Crack So much has happened. I didn't really feel like updating as much. I shouldn't really be updating now but I just feel like it? --;; Oh wells. I'm here and I'm typing so I might as well. I'll go backwards. It snowed today. --;; That sucked. I just felt like saying that since snow in April is highly unusual. Oh, and Tony and Maria broke up. Now Tony owes her 60 MORE dollars. Wow. (I just felt like adding that since I might want to know when I look back a few odd months later.) Ah oh yes. It was also kind of drizzling on Saturday. So while I was walking around Chinatown (which I hear is quite dangerous because of SARS roaming around), I tripped and fell. Yay. Well, my left pant left was SOAKED and was really brownish and murky. My right knee bleed right through my pee-ish colored pants and my pinky toe was bleeding too. 0.o I wonder how that happened. Blah that was nice. Oh and on..some day last week my class broke my teacher's arm. We had a quiz and one of the students, Kevin, was saying something like, "Hey, Mr. Chuang, if I beat you in arm wrestling, then I get to be the teacher." The reason why he said that was because as the teacher, he can destroy the quiz that he so eloquently failed. After much persuading from the rest of the class (and after Chuang said that Kevin had to wear a dress the next day if he lost), Chuang finally was fed up and accepted the challenged. Chuang can't arm wrestle for crap. That's the reason why he got his arm broken. He was in an odd position, not straight, like you're supposed to be. So Kevin applied his strength and was able to break his arm. He heard the crack though, and immediately stopped. Otherwise Chuang's bone might have popped out into the surface. But luckily nobody got in trouble, which I am absolutely happy about. I couldn't stand it if our class was in trouble or if Chuang was fired. It was my class's fault. Okay, so I'm done doing all that. I should be sleeping right now. Actually, I should be studying but same crap. Good nights. Videl saw ZaiZai at 12:08 a.m. on Tuesday, April 8, 2003.    Stuff Ack! I haven't written anything in a very long time. What has been going on in windiep00p's life? School's pretty much the same. I've been receiving the same grades even though I'm contributing less effort. --;; I have a lot of homework to do right now but I choose to rant. How smart. Well, there was a dance Friday night for the sophomores called the "Soph Hop." I went and had a pretty good time. I actually danced. First time and I think I did pretty good? Oh well. It was fun and I don't think we got in trouble like all the other "Soph Hops." However, the girls' bathroom was a mess. Paper towels were everywhere, someone had their period all over one of the bathrooms and two of the sinks were filled with vomit. How pretty. Ah yes. Today was a talent show hosted by a club called ASA, Asian Students Association, at my school. My group were in it, which surprised us since our audition was horrible. Anyway, we didn't do too bad on stage, which was the good thing. But a lot of people probably expected better? I'm disappointed by the outcome though. Everyone who said "good job" or something similar made me feel worse. It seemed like it was out of pity or just repetitous. Blah, it's probably just me =_=;; But anyway, I had to leave the talent show early because I had a doctor's appointment. I shouldn't have though because I wasn't seen until like 5:30 --;; ...and I left the school at 4:30. Urgh, but I was so busy trying to remember to bring my sneakers and textbooks that I forgot to pick up my bookbag (they were on the side of the stage). So I got on the bus to the clinic and then it hit me, I forgot my bookbag. --;; I told my mother, who was already there, and she started yelling at me. Then we called my sister to ask her to pick it up, and she's like, "NO! I'm too busy doing homework to pick up something you're so stupid to remember." So then my mother went home to get the car, waited like 20 minutes until she came back. She came back and talked to the secretary, asking her how man people are in front of us (2). Afterwards, she kept yelling at me. She pauses, yells, pauses, yells. She loves to talk and it's very jarring. We go see the doctor, he gives me a shot, and my mum asks, "Did it hurt?" I go "No~" and she says, "Of course not, you're a BIG (literally big, fat, if you want) girl now." *sigh* Finally, the ride back to my school, she's all lecturing me, saying that when/if I'm in school, I should be studying. I shouldn't be playing hooky, cutting, hanging out with bad people or having boyfriends/girlfriends. I mean, DAMN! My mother really doesn't know me. She said that I don't study or do anything. What the hell? Everyday, I'm studying or doing my homework. I have rarely been hanging out with my friends, just practicing for the talent show. Now that that's out of the picture, I'll be coming home early as usual. Gosh, I'm just tired of all this bullshit. She needs to hire a spy on me or something so then she actually knows that I have NOT been doing almost ANY socializing and all I'm doing is work. Damn. Videl saw ZaiZai at 11:30 p.m. on Tuesday, March 25, 2003.    Valentine's Day I feel so blah today. Someone said to me this morning, "Every Valentine's Day, people are either really happy or really sad." I think I'm one of those really sad people...playing it off by being pissed off. But it really is a sad day today. Well, yesterday too. A senior at my school died on Wednesday night at the hospital. She was obviously popular because on Thursday afternoon, a LOT of people were crying for her. I felt so bad and so sorry. She died of bacterial meningitis. So yeah, they announced that fourth period and let us out at seventh period. All these people were so freaking happy that we got out early. I got so pissed off because of that. But I guess I came out like that too when I pretended that everything was alright. *sigh* Oh well.. may she rest in peace. I think my male obsession is still soaring. Well, two are dying and Michael is going back up..yay. I found out that Tony has been sneaking around with Maria, a girl who used to beat him up by her abusive ways. But yeah, they've been at it for two weeks already. Such a tramp...Tony, I mean. But yeah, for some reason, Michael seems more desirable than the rest of the guys. Except maybe that blonde hair, blue eyes guy I see sometimes. He's cute, but I don't like him like that. =P I hope. Too bad none of these wishes are ever going to come true. Ah~ -kkeut- Videl saw ZaiZai at 09:14 p.m. on Friday, February 14, 2003.    Truth, my poem Sadness swallows me whole Melancholy savors my soul A pool of tears develops as I lay A frown plastered on my face What more is there to say? Life has been harsh As if I’m trying to run through a marsh I’ve been reduced to a ragged doll I want it all to be over Is there more sadness I haven't saw? Cold winds blast through the open window A picture perfect scenery for show Where purity falls ever so slowly and blends It sticks to the ground and melts away When will it finally be put to an end? All of my chances have been taken away Nothing more I can do or say And there is no turning back I shouldn't be willing myself to change Is there really something I lack? This life is just a mess Strewed about like a bird’s nest Life is as my thoughts, words. Jumbled thoughts stuck together How can I stop it from sounding absurd? What more is there to say? Is there more sadness I haven't saw? When will it finally be put to an end? Is there really something I lack? How can I stop it from sounding absurd? The questions I ask I cannot throw past So many do follow Will I ever receive my answers? Will there be an end to my sorrow? Videl saw ZaiZai at 01:39 a.m. on Monday, February 3, 2003.    Stuff Ehh... I'm supposed to be doing my Chemistry project right now. Obviously I either stopped or I'm just not doing it at all. I can't right now. Not that I can't, I just don't have any motivation. I feel as if I don't complain about this one thing, then I can't finished doing my homework. Anyway, I know I've said this before, but I'm saying it again: I hate it when people think I'm happy when I'm not. I think Jennifer Luu, a friend of mine since grade school, is jealous of me...sort of. Because she thinks I'm rich since I've bought F4's new CD and ZaiZai's CD. She hasn't talked to me in a long while. I really think she's angry. But if she isn't, then that's good. I'll be relieved. If she isn't..well, doesn't that suck for me? Losing another friend... I wonder if I can really handle it if she explodes in front of me and I'll have to be the one to destroy a friendship once again. Hopefully not. I really don't want to break off another friendship... It hurts too much... *sigh* That's all. Good night. ~an hour later I'm doing my homework... I paused for a certain reason. See, for Chemistry, we had to research an element. I chose lead and there's a reason for that. It's because I suffer from lead poisoning. As a toddler, I used to lick the wall. It seems really silly but hey, what did I know back then? But yeah, I suffered from lead poisoning. I'm pretty embarrassed about that. My teacher was talking about lead once. He said something like, "Lead used to be included in paint. But kids started to lick the walls and they received lead poisoning. Yeah, kids used to lick the walls!" He acted as if kids aren't naive and didn't know better. I felt pretty stupid. I felt even more ridiculous when my friend, who sits behind me, started laughing. She obviously thought the idea was ridiculous. Hell, I think it's ridiculous but I still find it offensive. My teacher also say that studies show that kids that have lead poisoning are usually anti-social. Well, that part's true for me. But now, I'm researching a little more about lead poisoning. I also found that I'm also supposed to have: "reduced IQ and attention span, hyperactivity, impaired growth, reading and learning disabilities, hearing loss, insomnia, and a range of other health, intellectual, and behavioral effects." Lead poisoning basically effects the neurological development of a person. Some of these actually apply to me. It's nice to know, isn't it? = I'll continue doing my project now...hopefully no more thoughts involved.. Videl saw ZaiZai at 1:09 a.m. on Monday, February 3, 2003.    Crap, crap and more crap I don't feel like putting up my poem anymore. It's just crap. I don't think it's good. I'm going to have to revise it a little...or a lot. But not yet. I have a lot to do before that. I have to write an essay for this program I'm trying to enter. It's called Math Science Upward Bound Program held by Temple University. Also, I have to finish that short story to submit it to the Writers of the Future Contest. So much to do. And the fact that I got sick will make things go faster! Well, anyway, I wrote another message for ShaoFan saying sorry. It's in my bad Cantonese pinyin so I hope he could read it. I doubt he would since it wouldn't be sent to him. Let's see if I can translate what I wrote. "Sorry, little egg *this is what I call him*. I'm so angry, but... what am I doing? I just want to be friends again..like the old days. Do you remember? If you don't, it doesn't matter. I'm just saying..? I am really, like, delusional. I'm dizzy and my throat hurts. Sick~ I'm going to sleep now...goodnight~ "p.s. Since MyThao [guess who it is?] and her group are dancing for us or with SAO, those bad girls aren't going to dance afterall. "p.p.s. If you guys want to know why I want to write in Chinese, it's because if I talk with someone in Chinese, I won't be angry anymore...." That's the best I could translate it. The questions don't really make sense in English, but they do in Chinese. It's queery. I'm still pretty ditzy so I don't know if I'm thinking straight. I'm just going to watch the rest of Inuyasha I currently have. Goodnight. Videl saw ZaiZai at 08:40 p.m. on Monday, January 20, 2003.    Thoughts That's the title of my new layout. Well, I think it deserves a little explanation before I start bitching about some things I've been dying to get out. This guy over here on the left is my new obsession: Zhou, Yu Min. His "English" name is Vic. Umm.. His nickname is ZaiZai, which is why that thing on the bottom says and Zai Zai. I find it more appropiate to use his nickname instead of his real or fake name (Hua, Ze Lei). His fake name is from this Taiwanese TV series called "Meteor Garden," which is like a movie version of "Hana Yori Dango." Okay, that's enough explanation I believe. Oh and the pictures separating the entries are scenes from the movie. :) Moving on, I feel really, really bad. Actually, my feelings are jumbled up. I wanted to yell at ShaoFan, my vice-president, for being such a bad officer and bitching at me. But also, I didn't want to. Why? Because he was right. All the things he said, they were the truth. I just didn't want to listen. I wanted to deny it all. But in the end, I did yell at him. I felt bad because I know he just wanted to release his anger. I also feel bad because we really lost our friendship. I remember in the summer, I went to his birthday celebration. We were really good friends and even other people said so. But then it all changed. I used to like him, but then he started becoming more ignorant towards me and I lost feelings. Or something..? *sigh* I don't know. I wrote some simple thoughts in my xanga. That was silly. My xanga is actually public, so people actually read it. I wrote it in my horrible Chinese. This stupid idiot translated it. I feel hurt and I want to kill him. Not really, but yeah. I think that's it. I don't know what else to say. I've been having a bad week and I don't want to talk about it. I'll post up my poem that relates to whatever I wrote in the last entry of the Bad Luck layout...later. Videl saw ZaiZai at 1:34 a.m. on Monday, January 20, 2003.