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»Reflections So much I want to write about. I don't exactly know where to start. Mmm.. If it doesn't seem at all in order, then doesn't that suck? Anyway, I've taken a liking towards a friend of mine, Tony, who tells me his girl problems and he already has a girlfriend. I think it started when he transferred into my gym class. *sigh* That was probably wayy back in the end of September. I have to stop...obsessing..~ That moves onto the next subject. I obsess over guys too much (which, of course, explains my New Year's Resolution). Maybe my life would be a tad more bearable if I stop this disorder. But I think it's not too bad at the moment. The list has been reduce to four people? Vic Chou (F4/Hua Zhe Lei in Meteor Garden), Tony, Michael and Orlando Bloom. The last two are slowly fading, Orlando faster than Michael. I have like an instinct to stare at Michael during class. *sigh* I want to get over it all quick! But I know that's impossible to ask. I think it might be better if I obsess over the 'fake' people instead of the real. It won't do me TOO much harm; even though it'll hurt knowing I could never get close to them... F4's having a concert in Flushing. *sigh* Closest they'll ever be to Philadelphia. Moving on, I feel like a bad person and friend. I'll start with the friend issue first since it's shorter. I have plenty of letters in my inbox that I have to reply to. Actually, most of them were sent more than a year ago. Most of them were about this blog. If you guys happen to be viewing my blog, I thank you for the e-mail. I thank you for being informative. And most of all, I thank you for reading my private thoughts. It's nice knowing I'm not some kid of idiot writing to myself. It's nice knowing that someone cares enough to be reading SOMETHING. *sigh* Thanks. Eek! I went off topic. But yeah, I have three other e-mails pertaining to different issues. One was from someone I met at my first retreat two years ago, Eileen. She e-mail me and a bunch of other people asking about their Christmas and whatnot. Of course, it's pretty late to be replying back. The other two are the ones I get regularly from my 'best friends.' One, Victoria, who I have known since kindergarten, pertaining the usual 'how are you' and whatnot. We go to the same school, but..I got bored of her. It's not a nice thing to say but it's how I feel. Can you really 'known' someone for such a long time and still be close to them? I remember that I got bored of her in fifth grade. Perhaps it was the fight I got into that year that made me like this? I don't know... It changed me, that fight. I realized how weak I was.. Yes, that was probably my turning point. Oh and the other was from Julia, I still feel different towards her. Betrayal sings in my head when anything reminding me of her pops up. Ahh... Yeah... Am I a good person for having these feelings? Don't answer that.. I know the answer. No, I'm not. I'm a horrible person. I should be able to forgive and forget. Or perhaps I'm being harsh on myself? Probably not... I realized how people don't side with my opinion. I lost so many friends after I broke the friendship off with Andy... Of course they were online friends, but they were still friends to me. I still hold them dear to my heart. They won't even talk to me... They don't understand how frustrated I feel. They don't understand what I've been through. And I could almost hear their opinions on this, "Of COURSE we don't know what you've been through! Those experiences are yours! But can't you even think of others? Can't you think of how Andy feels at this moment? He really liked you. People get frustrated sometimes, that's why he blew up at you. Frustration built up on him! Forgive him, you idiot!" ...Of course, don't think about me... It may sound conceited, but think... Did he know he said something offensive to me? That, that was the reason why I ignored him in the first place? That afterwards he got annoyed when nobody paid attention to him. I noticed... I notice when people are striving to receive attention. I admit, I'm one of those people. I want attention..probably because I don't receive that often. Aish~ What the hell is wrong with me? I argue all the different sides of the situation. Could I ever make a simple decision? And could I ever stay on track? My mind works in curvy, never-ending circles. Ah... there I go again. = Maybe I'm pushing myself too hard? I know, for a fact, that I try to be a perfect person so that I am liked and receive attention. I take traits of people who are liked and blend it in with 'myself' to create 'me.' Where is the real Wind? I want to know... Am I an evil, conniving bitch? Am I a really a nice person? So many thoughts roaming in my head... I don't know what to think...what to believe...what to do... God, I need some psychiatric help. videl finished singing with bad luck on Monday, January 13, 2003 at 10:53 p.m.
 »New Years I know I am a little late to post this. I just finished my English homework and I decided to blog a little. Yes, I am a big procrastinator by doing my English homework. I was doing my other assignments today and yesterday too. But I wasted most of my time reading some rather delightful fanfiction. Anyway, as usual I was reading my e-mail and checking up on some people. Most of them were beaming about the new years. Me? I'm kind of neutral. Everybody has their share of goods and bads. I used to be up late every new years, watching the ball drop at Times Square (on TV of course). I don't really know WHY I did it. I think I did it just for the fireworks or because everybody else was. *shrug* Well, as everyone else was doing, reflecting on the year of 2002, I shall do so too. Ignorance and betrayal stung me the past year. I remember going after guys who will and would never like me. I remember being hurt after I found that each guy I went after had/have a girlfriend. Actually, it hurt even more when I let go of Tomas. Then again, he only wanted me because he was lonely. He doesn't really care... But the thing that stung me the most was betrayal, of course, the feeling of it. When Julia, one of my best friends, had a silly relationship with my ex-friend, Andy. She broke up with him a couple of days ago, mind you. It hurt so much after she sided with him, someone she knew for three days, and not me, someone she knew for three years! That alone caused me to change drastically. From being the social person I was, I suddenly changed into an antisocial one. Well, I was already one but this time, I became more distant from others. It's pretty hard to get through me. It affected who I am, who I was. I don't think anybody realized that. So many things piece together to make me so upset. *sigh* Then again, there were some events that made me happy. I can't remember too far back, nor am I willing to look through my archives, but I remember some key events. I was happier on my birthday this year than I had ever been. Even though I still suffered from depression, that was the happiest birthday I ever had before I stopped being so naive. Christmas time wasn't too bad. I got to spend time with my friends (however upset I was about certain things) and receive gifts that I actually wanted. I can't exactly remember anything else that made me particularly happy. Specific days, specific events. Usually things ended up with disaster. I can't exactly include them. I guess that concludes my year. Worse, even though I haven't even BEGUN to mention everything, overruling better. Or perhaps it's just me being pessimistic. Oh well. I just hope (first time I've done this) that this year would be a better year. New Year's Resolutions? 1. Get straight A's. 2. Don't chase after guys. 3. Be happy. Whew~ Number two and three are going to be the hardest. -__-;; Happy new years everyone. May 2003 be your best year... videl finished singing with bad luck on Thursday, January 2, 2003 at 12:33 a.m.
»Neutral I find that practically every blog entry I make ends up with me becoming quite emotional or pissed off. I find it rather odd because sometimes I just want to write about something happy. Maybe it's because I already share those feelings? That once I log into my pitas account, I realize that I'm not letting another part of myself out? Let me try to put it in different terms so I could try and straighten out my thoughts. I don't expressed myself often; I tend to keep things bottled up. The only time this anger, anguish, escapes me is when I write in my blog. I know that this blog is safe and is maybe impossible to have someone I know, reading this. This blog is like my own personal diary. Almost everybody else who sees me, believes that I am carefree, that I lead the perfect, blissful, life. I led them to think so. All my happiness, I show to them. All my pain, I show to this blog. Does that make any sense? My mind is going haywire. I think far too different for people to comprehend. I usually get points off in essays because my reasons "aren't in order." I write what I think. The results: mumble jumble. *sigh* Now that I got THAT off my chest, I feel better. Now I'm going to go sleep, being that it is late and that I have to shower in the morning to get ready for this 'brunch' my father is planning. videl finished singing with bad luck on Monday, December 30, 2002 at 03:54 a.m.
»Happy Late Christmas Let's play a game called, "Annoy Wind!" Such a fun game, don't you think? I just wrote an extremely long entry and once I clicked the buttons, my old entry was still very present. Ugh. My main point was that perhaps I was being stupid. Examples: -Three days [Monday] after watching Lord of the Rings 2 (didn't watch 1), I ordered a poster and a glossy picture of Legolas (he's hot, but the actor, Orlando Bloom, can't compare) three hours ago [12:00am Thursday]. -I'm freezing my butt off in a sleeveless light shirt and shorts with the window opened (it snowed) ...and it's intentional. -I want to read instead of sleeping. -I want to read Draco and Ginny pairing fanfiction [Harry Potter]. -I think I made my friend [Wendy] think I hated her gift (a beautiful candle in a longg wine glass) since I probably gave a look of disgust when I pulled it out. -I'm feeling angry towards another friend [Pauline], not because she made me retrieve the J-Walk CD she's giving me for Christmas, not because she gave me too little money [CD cost-12$, given-10$], but because she didn't wrap the CD (she left it in the bag I handed her). It showed she didn't care enough for me. Wendy invited me over for Christmas Eve dinner. I went and that's when two things happened. One, stupid example number five. The second, I realized (admitted) something about myself. I still feel uncomfortable about saying it outloud. So...I'm not going to say it outloud until the time is right. Or when I feel like it. So if a phrase just happens to pop out of nowhere, that's my secret. videl finished singing with bad luck on Thursday, December 26, 2002 at 03:20 a.m.
»Memories It still has been less than a year... but I remember the event quite vividly. I was sleeping on my bed and my eldest sister was on the computer. I aroused from my sleep and not a minute later, my father came through the door and slapped my feet to awake him. "Get up! Get up!" he yelled. My sister did nothing but stare at his actions. He grew tired of me pretending to sleep. He knew I wasn't really sleeping. So he came by my bedside and shoved me. "Get up already!" Answering to his call, I pretended to wake. No sooner did I wake up, did my father push me once again. "What's this?" he yelled, "How the hell did you get a fucking D? And you didn't even get any As!" It was obvious he was talking about my second term report card. I couldn't say anything. All I could think was: "How did he find it?" I didn't do anything. "Answer me! WHY?" He continued to push me. His pushing led to punching. Now all I could do was cry. Cry at my failure, my pain, my suffering... When I was crying, I was choking at my tears. I didn't even notice my mother coming into the room, nor my other older sister. The only actions that took place was my father's fists and the tears pouring out of my eyes. After a long while, my eldest sister took a stand. She pulled my father away from me and screamed at him, "Get off her! You hit her enough! Leave her alone!" Then those two starting fighting. That was when my mother moved. She pulled my father away from my sister and told everybody to calm down. They yelled at each other a little more until my father left the room. I remember my mother saying to me, "If he EVER does that again, don't hesitate to call the police! That bastard is going to need to be in prison for that." And so...that was the end of the abuse. But the mental anguish remained. I cried myself to sleep. My eldest sister was still on the computer. She tried playing my favorite song at the time, K-POP's geu reem ja. It didn't help much. I just cried throughout the night, trying to suppress my tears. The next day...I remembered too. I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror. Pitiful. My hair was all over the place. I was still crying. My eyes were swollen and red. I cleaned myself up as best as possible. I remember leaving early. I didn't want to face my father at all. I took the bus to school and hoped nobody asked about my eyes. All throughout the ride, I thought about that event. It replayed over and over again. I couldn't help but choke out tears. But I stopped it early, before it could spill out. I always refused to cry in public. I arrived at school and since I was so early, I headed towards the cafeteria where I knew my friends await. They didn't say anything. All throughout the school, no one asked questions. With the exception of one... Pauline. She asked if I was crying. What did I say? "Of course not! I'm just tired!" in my most fakest voice yet. She believed me...I think. That was the end of my memory.. What triggered this memory? An argument with my eldest sister. Usually, an argument wouldn't have triggered this. But somehow it did. Maybe because it was just as serious as any other one, but more quieter. It was strange. But I just kept thinking. One thing led to another and this memory awaken... Ah... I hate this. Do you know what I'm wishing for right now? It was snowing a while ago. Snow's already built up. Seven inches. I hope that tomorrow, if we have school, that my eldest sister will be driving us as usual. But also, when she makes a turn, the car will slip out of her control. When the car slips out of control, I hope the right side will crash into a pole and leave the left side alone. Why? I'm the only one sitting on the right side. I wish for an early death. An escape but not by my hands. *sigh* I'm a psycho. videl finished singing with bad luck on Thursday, December 5, 2002 at 08:06 p.m.
»I am thankful for... I had a sudden urge to blog. Maybe it was because I saw Julia online. I'm not too good of a friend, I realized. I don't even support her. Ah! I'm so depressing, I feel depressed because of that. Is that possible? -_-;; I should try and cheer myself up somehow. WATCH DIGIMON FRONTIER! Okay, maybe this subject would cheer me up. My new obsession: Digimon Frontier. I've been downloading the episodes (with this modem, once a full day or one in two days). It's a really funny anime, despite the "digimon" title. The kids digivolves into digimon. ^^ I'm a little upset with the plot, but it's okay. Oh yes, other subjects I would like to elaborate on. Is it weird if an American doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving? My family surely doesn't. My parents weren't even home most of the day. My father went to Atlantic City to gamble and lose his money. My mother, on the other hand, went to Atlantic City and then afterwards went to a party I believe. My sisters and I? Stayed home and ate wonton that I made. Anyway, it seems pretty weird. It's like I'm in the only family that doesn't celebrate it. Everyone else I talked to would be like, "Oh, did you stuff yourself?" or "Had some nice turkey for dinner?" or something relevant. It's seems.. weird. And usually the subject never dawned on me. Hyoo~ I'm done...for now. =] videl finished singing with bad luck on Friday, November 29, 2002 at 11:39 p.m.
»Career? I've been trying to sort out what I want to be in life. I ruled out a lot of possibilities, even in the subjects I enjoy. Creative writing: I hate reading my work because I think it sucks, therefore I can't proofread, making so that there'll be mistakes and I'll kill myself for that. Singing: I can't sing, enough said. Dancing: I can't choreograph and remember what I just did. Rapping: I am unable to produce raps and I'm pretty sure I sound stupid rapping. Biology/Chemistry: I would hate to work in a laboratory. Acting: I never tried acting and plus I get stage fright (even though I hide it rather well). Computers/Graphic Design: I suck in graphics and I doubt I'd enjoy working with computers because I might just smash it into bits and pieces. I'm actually considering the field of psychology: therapist. Reason why? Because I work well with people (used to). Plus, I'm crazy already. Hopefully I can cure myself or something. I don't know. --;; But I heard that in order to become something of psychology, one must go see a psychologist. Hoohoo~ I'm a little scared about that but..I don't know..a little relieved too? Who knows. Ahhh I'm a dork! I felt the need to say that. --;; videl finished singing with bad luck on Sunday, November 17, 2002 at 08:22 p.m.
»Realizations I really hate myself. I try to change every once and a while because of that. I end up hating myself even more. I noticed that I want to mold myself into something like a happy person, a quiet person and someone who hates others. Well, there's more adjectives than that but...I don't know. I'm quite jealous of lifestyles people lead, and I wonder about it all. I hate my eldest sister. Why? Because she looks up to ME. Why would anyone in this world want to be like me? Why does she try to BE me? Well, she tries to act like me and it just disgusts me. I hate talking to her. I hate when she talks to me. I hate Andy. He's so happy, yet so sad. At least he HAS someone, Julia, even if it is only an online relationship. I'm jealous. I've noticed something about me for quite a while, but I've been in denial. It's probably the reason why I try to change myself. Because I want to get rid of this jealousy, this envy, this...desire. I feel like a stupid, spoil brat, which is probably what I really am. I want something that I don't have, but others do. I try to change my desires, but it's impossible. I am really a horrible person. I could wish bad upon a person and couldn't care less. I don't even consider that a good thing, yet I continue to do so. I know I usually bring myself down. That's the type of person I am. I am also so jealous. That's the type of person I am. Now the question of the day is: Can I accept it? I think not. Can I try? Yes. Will I succeed? No. What's the point? I don't know. So many questions running through my mind. I've got to stop thinking. --;; videl finished singing with bad luck on Sunday, November 10, 2002 at 08:46 p.m.
»Hmmm I was going to write an entry yesterday but I didn't really have enough time. Well, right now I don't have enough time either since my sister wants to get on the computer. I got my grades for the first marking period and I'm pretty satisfied with it. I got three Bs and four As. I do believe I should've gotten a B in Chemistry though. = I finished my story which I'm happy about. I asked my English teacher if he could proofread it and he said yes. Cool. Today was pretty cool too. My club meeting went well. A LOT of people showed up. There was 30+ people there. Wow! I'm surprised about the outcome. But it was mostly sophomores that were there which was sad haha. Tomorrow I MIGHT be playing basketball with some of my guy friends from this other school. I'm not really that good but I love to play. Hopefully they won't cream me and rub it in my face. That is..if I go. Okay, I must sleep early. Good night all. =] videl finished singing with bad luck on Thursday, November 7, 2002 at 10:34 p.m.
»I hate my club So many things today. Okay not really. Notice how I'm posting consecutively right now. Maybe after my anger/sad/happy spree will end soon. And plus, I think my new beautiful layout has something to do with me posting so much. I kind of regret creating my club now. There's so much hassle. My officers annoy me. My old World History teacher, ASA sponser, is annoying me. The fact that ASA, Asian Students Association (it should be Chinese Students Association), is talking about us. And also because SAO, Southeastern Asian Organization, has been moving our flyers around. My officers are constantly fighting with each other; with me. It's just so stressful. It was obviously that Mr. Hung, the ASA sponser, wanted me to not have the club anymore because of the risk of people gambling. If they even gamble, my officers and sponser will be in deep shit. The ASA officers were saying the same thing. They act as if we don't realize the risks involved. But all we want to do is have fun. And SAO is just being a butt by moving our flyers around. Last(?) bad about my club (I hate writing not so pretty thoughts now. Blog's too pretty to be tainted with). On Thursday is my first meeting right? But then KSA (Korean Students Association) is holding a club meeting then too. It would be good if we could combine it, but the flyers have already been posted and all. So stressful. Oh yeah. I regret making Chuang my sponser. He knows nothing. Now I wish I got the vice-principal to be it: Mrs. Betoff (she's cool. she looks like that Weakest Link lady). videl finished singing with bad luck on Tuesday, November 5, 2002 at 08:16 p.m.
»Another "great" day I knew this was going to happen. From the moment my groggy eyes opened to when I realized we had run out of conditioner. I had such a ...contentful day yesterday and I knew it was to be ruined today. My first bad part of the day was when I ran out of conditioner. Second was when I couldn't get my hair to cooperate with me. It was the first time I put my hair up this year. I'm planning to have it up every two months for a week (just as a reminder). Day 1: Hair splitted more to the left, more hair in my left "bangs" than the right, braided the rest in two seconds with a ribbon to add at the endpoint. Day 2: Hair splitted with zig-zags, equal amount of "bangs," hair in half ponytail, split, wavy from the day before. Day 3: Hair splitted more to the left, more hair in my left "bangs" than the right, braided bun. Day 4: Hair splitted more to the left, more hair in my left "bangs" than the right, half ponytail, wavy from day before. Day 5: Hair splitted more to the left, more hair in my left "bangs" than the right, half ponytail. Anyway, continuing with the subject of the bad day. In gym, my teacher wasn't there and all these ignorant people just cut. And we were playing volleyball and I got hit in the chin twice. Hurt. What else? Oh yes. I made a school club, right? It's a club for Mah-Jong, this Chinese gambling game. Well, the first meeting is this Thursday and I got my flyers signed by the Student Association sponser person, the person who's supposed to. I posted a few up early in the morning. Then when I checked it out again during my lunch (7th period), it was gone! Someone tore down my flyers and a few other ones were tore down too. I got really pissed off when I found out. Then I wanted to advertise my club in the Daily Bulletin (self-explanatory I hope?). I got the sheet and everything and my secretary, Maria, starts bugging me on what to write and all. After I finished, I said that I was going to go get it signed by our sponser, Mr. Chuang, and then hand it in. Maria and Veacha, my "maintaince director" AKA janitor, accompanied me to get it signed. Maria kept bugging me to go see if the flyers she posted up were still up. She obviously didn't believe me. Also, those two were so noisy while I waited for Chuang to be finished teaching part of his lesson. It just aggravated me even more. Two more things to finish the day off. Well, so far two more. I didn't feel like waiting for SunMi to come so I just went in the car my sister was in. I reminded my sister that I wanted her to drop me off at the post office (a few minutes away from our house) and she said okay. Then she wanted me to purchase something for her. I refused. She should do it herself. So she didn't drop me off there and was being a bitch about it (I guess I was too). Then I started reflecting again. Bad. Got depressed and went home later than usual. Then at home my sisters were bitching at me. Hyoo~ Yes, that's all. But there were some good! Yes, but it doesn't overlap the bad. In the morning, I came in the same time as MICHAEL! Yes! I got out of the car and jaywalked and there he was! And he stood behind me. And he opened the door for me! Yes~ And then the second door, I opened the door wider for him and he reached for it too and his hands brushed against mine. That sounds cheesy. =_= Afterwards, I stalked him to the basement since I needed to put my gym clothes in my friend's locker (gym is in the basement). He has his locker in the basement too. So I guess he knew I was kind of following him and he held the door for me. ^_^ Also, in Algebra, he sat in the back like old times. Sad though since I couldn't stare at him during class anymore. He was doing a test since he was absent on Friday. There was another good. Well, nevermind, it was funny. In gym, how we were playing volleyball was extremely funny. It was eight versus the rest of the class. I was one of the eight and we won both rounds. Well, the second round was like five versus the rest of the class. Another good, I got a 97 average with Chuang (Chinese I). I was hoping I get something higher but I *think* I have the highest average because I also got a 1 in behavior (this other girl in my class had a 97 but a 2 in behavior). Last good/okay: I have half a chapter left to write for my original story entitled Saunmira but I'm a little stuck. I'll try and finish by the end of the night. videl finished singing with bad luck on Monday, November 4, 2002 at 08:18 p.m.
»New look! Okay so I changed it. It looks nice right? Made all the pictures myself. Well, I screen captured the little thing below the entry and I stole the picture on the left from the DVD thingy and edited it. Still mine right? Oh well. I was just messing with Adobe 7 and I got that banner up there. Don't ask why I went pink because I have absolutely no idea why. Today's actually been a pretty okay day. I'm almost done this original story I'm writing for this scholarship. My favorite author, Orson Scott Card, will be judging for the best story along with many other great authors. I want to make sure that this story is 100% original and great. I only have one and a half chapters left to write. Then I have to edit it and ask some people to proofread it for me. I think I'm doing well. *beams* I've also talked to my grandfather in Canada over the phone. It's great to hear he's doing well and all. It's his birthday today and I wished him a happy birthday. I also talked to my cousin, Anna. During both conversations I feel sort of uneasy, but it was okay. I was reminiscing some times I've spent there. It was nice. I enjoyed staying in Canada for a few weeks. Last thing on my list. I am currently a semi-finalist in a poetry contest held by poetry.com. By being a semi-finalist, my poem is being featured in a coffee table book that is going to be released in Winter of 2003. I am going to purchase the book. I want to cherish it. I wanted to add a little explanation of the poem; that it was inspired by Michael. However, an extra $25 fee is required in order to write such a thing. Obviously, being the poor, little, high school student I am, I'm not going to be writing a little explanation of the poem. But that's fine with me. I'm content knowing that my poem is being featured. videl finished singing with bad luck on Sunday, November 3, 2002 at 10:33 p.m.
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