This Is My Island

Thought For The Day

"Whats my boat?"

Shell is feeling

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If we could talk, I would say....
Dear ____ : Over the past year or so we've had a lot of problems (obviously), but it seems that they are just getting worse as time passes. There are strong emotions in both of us and deep wounds that have been inflicted. These will take time to heal, but we need to start a healing process now, before they get worse. First I need to express how I feel about all that’s happened and about you. When he and I first started dating, I believed that you really had moved on to another crush, if I had known that you were just stepping aside for me, I wouldn’t have gone for him, because truthfully, I didn’t care all that much, I had no need of a boyfriend and figured even if I did date him that it would just be a bit of fun for a while and then we'd break up and that would be the end of that....by the time I discovered that you still liked him, I was too far into the relationship to back out. I figured it would go away soon enough, cause after all it was just a crush, and since you weren’t with him, it wouldn’t grow. But it seems it wasn’t just a crush, and it didn’t go away. Even as your feelings grew, so did mine, and before I knew it, we both loved him. It hurt me when he cheated, but I forgave (both, there was no anger towards either of you) but then the stories started flying, I heard all sorts of things that you reportedly said that the two of you did. He denied them and since I was in love with him and trusted him, I believed him. I became angry with you for lying and spreading false stories. Eventually that faded into the background as we lost touch even more. Then we broke up. I broke up with him for final. There would be no going back. But you moved in so quickly, like a vulture. It tore my heart, crushed it really. I couldn’t bear the thought of you and him being together like that…...because of all of our pasts, and the actions previously outlined, and mostly because you used to be my best friend, and he used to be my boy friend and you just don’t do that except in soap operas!...all the old wounds from the past were re-opened. I doubted his love, his sincerity, and my own judgment in trusting him. I felt as though the past year had been a lie and that hurt. I felt like neither of you respected me, or my feelings. I wondered how long he had secretly wanted to be with you. I wondered if there might have been some truth to the tales. I wondered if he really loved me at all. Then I heard more stories, I heard about all sorts of adventures that the two of you were having, mostly in his bedroom, and I couldn’t take it. I was curious, even though I knew it would kill me to find out it was true. But I asked anyway, and once again he looked me in the eye and told me the things I had heard weren't true. I still trusted him; I still believed what he said. (I still do believe him, but I don’t know how much of what I’ve heard actually was a lie from you). I started to hate you for moving in so quickly, without seeming regard for my feelings, I started to hate you for spreading more lies. I was told of you tarnishing my reputation and I hated you more. You went to the movies, I hated you...you were constantly beside him on v-day and I hated you, I hated him, and I hated the way I felt. You wouldn’t ride in the same vehicle with me and I felt that I was being treated unfairly because I felt like the victim here, I thought both you and he were the villains and that I was the only one with the right to choose not to be near you. I would hear you being talked about, I saw you on a video and my blood boiled, I hated you so much. I couldn’t stand it. It didn’t help that other people were telling me I had no right to feel the way I did. It didn’t help that I was told you were gleeful about my feelings towards you (though I suspected that was fake to mask your own pain). It didn’t help that no one understood the pain (except tee) that I was going through as the once-cheated-on-ex-girlfriend. I realize that hating you is wrong. That its only hurting everyone, it won’t help anything. Its wreaking me, and I’m sure its more than hurting you. I pray nightly that God would help me to forgive, but I don’t let Him change my heart. YOU are my boat (see archives 11), I'm afraid that if I step out on a limb to fix this situation that you are just going to hurt me more. So I just keep bottling it up inside, letting the hate feed on itself and grow more each time I think of you. Tonight I snapped, I yelled and cried and screamed at Jo how I felt. She said a lot of things, about the situation, about you and about me. Most of it didn’t get through, but she did make me remember that God loves you and that I need to love you. I am so hurt by the actions of both of you that I do not believe that I could sit down and calmly tell you all of this, I don’t think I can even tell HIM all of this, and I don’t hate him. BUT, I need to do this; I need to take this step of faith towards reconciliation, because no one else is. I AM SORRY FOR MY HATRED. I am sorry for the pain that I have caused you. I am sorry that we are not the friends we used to be. I am sorry for not acting the way I should. I am sorry that I wasn’t a better friend to you. I am sorry that I didn't do this sooner (though I tried a long time ago, I gave up far too soon). Mostly, I'm just sorry that this whole situation got as far as it did and for my part in it. I admit that I also acted in ways that did not help the situation; in ways that were, no doubt, hurtful and spiteful to you; and in ways that were not respectful of you. And for those I am sorry. I am still deeply hurt, and I still don’t think I can be the friends we once were, at least not right away. But I would like to try to fix things. I believe that the three of us need to sit down and figure out where we all stand with each other, being fully truthful and honest about it, and apologizing to each other for our roles in this mess. Then I believe we can work towards healing and friendship. I just pray its not too late. Once again, I'm sorry. Yours truly, Shelley...............................................PS- I don’t know if you will get this, maybe one of the central girls will get it to you.... We also haven’t been very fair to our friends. They’ve been sucked into the middle of all of this and its been tearing them in two. I don’t want to draw battlelines, I don’t want them to have to choose sides. SO, I propose that we do not discuss this with others for a while so that they don’t feel torn. And to all who are being hurt by our fighting, I say, I am sorry.

Todays Bible Verse

"For I have hidden Your Word in my heart so that I might not sin against You." Psalm 119:11(NLT)

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I've always wanted to be there, I've always wanted to help you. You wouldn't let me when I wanted to. So I gave up, figuring that I cant help if you dont want me to. Then suddenly you come to me for help. Suddenly I am the only one you can rely on. I didn't know what to do, except to keep loving you. It made life hard, it seems so cruel that when I can you wont, when I cant you will. I'm afraid to want to help you because you might decide you dont need it anymore, and then where am I? Back to square one, thats where. When you didn't need me I was a rock, when you did I was but a pebble. Last time you needed me I was on quicksand, this time I'm on a rock, this time I am a rock and this time I can help. This time I will.