Randomness prevails! What are you?
by krysten


What punctuation mark are you? Find out at quizlets.tk!
by Krysten

Yesss!

Friday, August 16, 2002 01:49 p.m.
Dude! I feel 10 times better and I'm gonna sleep at Jamie-chan's house tonight with Nanna-chan! I don't know if Dustin likes me at all. Maybe he was tolerating me. All I know is that I think I really do love Nanna-chan. Wild, huh? *grins like a fiend*

No, I never shut up.

Wednesday, August 14, 2002 05:23 p.m.
Excuse me if I leave parts out. My memory is selctive.
Yesterday I woke up, took my Paxil, and drank a glass of orange juice. I asked mom if I could invite Anna over. I was feeling really depressed and I felt I needed to at least talk to Anna face to face. I called Anna and talked to her a bit. She couldn't come over because of registering at ZBTHS. She asked why I sounded so sad. I belive I told her not to worry. She offered to call me later. I told her I'd call her later instead.

Then I walked outside and asked mom if I could go on a bike ride. She said to be back at 12:30 PM. She told me to stay away from Deadman's (a section of a beautiful ravine near my neighborhood where kids ride their bikes off steep, swerving paths and jumps.) if I was alone. I walked into the garage after nabbing one of the walky-talkies and my journal. I looked around and put a long nylon rope in my backback.

I rode down the street to Beach Road and rode to the cemetary. I looked at the older graves and then looked down at Deadman's. It looked amazing. I took my journal out of my backpack and tore all the pages I wrote on out of the journal. I threw the remaining pages and the journal itself in the ravine. Then I tore up the pages I wrote on, throwing the dime sized pieces of paper into the ravine. All my memories and dreams in the past year were thrown into the damp plants that surround the creek in the ravine. My hopeful thoughts of my first anime convention, lyrics from some of my favorite songs, dreams I had remebered from my sleep, morbid ideas, my worries, and other, more intimate thoughts.

I checked my watch and then I prompty started looking for a place to hang myself. I finaly found a tree and climbed on a large, ninty-four year old gravestone. (I'm aware that my actions were disrespectful but it would be the only way I could hang myself.) I had to try a few times before I could throw the rope over a sturdy branch. I stood there, trying to make sure I wanted to kill myself. I stopped and crawled off the gravestone to make sure that the people I had just caught a glimps of were leaving.

I paused before climbing back up and thought again. "What about my parents?" All other times I had thought about suicide had been canceled just by thinking about how my parents would feel. Not this time. I climbed back up and knotted the rope tight around my neck. I thought about what Chrissy and Anna had said to me before when I've had suicidal thoughts.

I untied the rope, put it back in my backpack, and rode to Chrissy's house. Chrissy and Josh let me in, I gave Chrissy the rope, and told her what I had intended on doing with it. I cried for a little while, called my mom to ask her if I could stay at Chrissy's house for a while, and then we walked downstairs. The conversation was uneasy and not a whole lot was said at first. What stands out most is that Josh threatened to piss on my grave. *laughs* It seems it may have been fate because Chrissy and Josh were just thinking about going to a movie.

Josh took us out for Shirls ice cream. We enjoyed the burned CD Josh had in his beautiful new car. Well, I didn't enjoy the Elmo & Barny sound clips. Oh well. When we got to Shirls, Josh got a cookie dough polar blast, Chrissy got a strawberry slushie, and I got a cup of rasberry italian ice. We got back into the car and listened to more of the burned CD.

I felt better. Still a little sad though. Who knows why. I'm weird like that. I stood out in the rain and Chrissy danced around in it. Josh played basketball against himself and then he and Chrissy were running around in the rain. We whent back inside after talking a bit and I think I walked in and out of that house a few more times, just cause I never get to play in the rain. Or even stand in it. Back inside and we're just talking, all wet. Josh and me watched Chrissy play one of her guitars. We both thought she was stunning. Even more beautiful than a Rembrandt painting. Then I belive we walked out into the living room and I joked around with Nicky (Chrissy's sister) and Dan (Nicky's bf and an old friend of mine).

Not long after, Chrissy invited me to see a Jethro Tull concert. I called my mom and she actually said yes. I went home, got changed, got money from my dad, and called Chrissy to double check where the concert was being held at. Chrissy came and picked me up. Then we got out of "Chrissy's" old car and hopped into Josh's car. We talked and listened to the burned CD before ariving at the train station. I opened my umbrella and lugged along my lawn chair to the platform after Josh paid for parking.

We waited for the train with Shelley (Chrissy's mom), Chrissy, Josh, Dan, Nicky, and Dustin (Dan's friend). After the train arived, we found seats, and sat down (Grateful to be out of the rain for a little while.) We chatted to pass the time and when we reached our destination, we stepped out into (what seemed to be) harder rain. I ran through a big puddle that was blocking our way from the ticket booths and Chrissy followed. Josh was absoulutly mad and desided to go and splash in the oversized puddle. Shelley was so sweet and bought the tickets for all of us. After Shelley rented some chairs, we set up in a soggy patch of grass. (Well, all of it was soggy.)

We joked around and then (despite the excellent music) I started feeling lonly because Dan was cuddling with Nicky and Josh was chatting with Chrissy. Then Josh and Dan started trying to cheer me up and I became a target for their fingers. (I'm very ticklish and they know it.)

I belive it was Dan who came up with the idea of Dustin sitting in my lap. Of course it was a joke but I agreed to it right away, I knew it would make me feel better. Dustin didn't seem to protest at all and sat in my lap with my arms wrapped around his waist. He didn't seem bothered when I held his hand while he sat in my lap and so, I felt better. *laughs* And I only know Dustin through Tech Crew. I've never really talked to him. I'm normally too shy to talk to "new" people. Anyway, I managed to give him a peck on the cheek. I think he smiled, I dunno. *shrugs*

I hung around Dustin and he didn't seem annoyed but I'm pretty dence so I couldn't tell. And it was worrying the hell outta me. When Josh talked to me about Dustin, I tried to play it cool as an act for Josh and myself. Hell, being rejected is no fun and I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't care one way or the other.

When I was standing next to Dustin, I smelled cigarettes. And then I thought I smelled really cheap and awful cigarettes. I made small talk with Dustin about this and *sweatdrops* he told me that it was pot. He told me it was because he's been to other concerts before and he recognises the smell.

When the train finaly arrived, we all got on. I sat next to Dustin and Josh sat next to Chrissy, across from us. I leaned against Dustin and held his hand as we all talked with one another. Time came for our stop to arrive and lo and behold my baggy pants left a large, damp spot on the seat. Very embarrassing.

We got off the train and into Josh's car. He drove us back to Chrissy's house and he left so he could get rest because he had work in the morning. I called mom up and she said I could spend the night. Then I chatted with Dan, Chrissy, Dustin, and Nicky. Dustin left (withouth hugging me ><+ ) to sit in his car.

Dan wasn't leaving immediately so I took the opportunity to say bye to Dustin. He started the car and offered me to sit in his car if I wanted. I did. Then there was that awful dead silence. I laughed about the thought of Dan bitching about the seat being wet (since my pants were still wet) and Dustin laughed. Or forced a laugh. Dunno. We chatted a little bit and Dustin said he was tired and wondered where Dan was. I said I'd get him and I leaned over to kiss Dustin on the lips. He didn't meet me or turn away. So I got a corner of his mouth. *sarcasticly* Romantic. Anyway, I got out of the car and dragged Dan out of the house by his boxers shorts. Ask him. I really did. Then Chrissy found a pair of dry pants and I slipped into them. We slept on her living room floor until 5ish, when her dad woke us up. We crashed on Chrissy's bed and slept for about 5 more hours before we got up, walked outside, and pet Max (her outdoor kitty). Mom came by and I had to get dressed so I could go register for school.

That's all I'm writing tonight. I've written alot already. If you want more to read, read a book.

Gackt!

Monday, August 12, 2002 09:34 p.m.

Which Gackt are you most like?
quiz by mcvarmazi

Feh... Test...

Monday, August 12, 2002 07:04 p.m.

I'm Shinobu!
Shy aren't we!?
You are just too sweet for some right? There's no reason to make a ruckus, & you wonder why quiet hours are never enforced! You own a select group of friends who you know you can depend on!

Now I feel worse because I was full of that self pitty shit and in Jamie's blog (the 9th entry). Why do I worry about myself and if friends are what (or not what) they seem? I have to comfort the people I care about. It's only right. But what can I do for Jamie? Um, maybe a picture. Stupid idea but It's the only thing I'm "really" good at.

Down for the count

Monday, August 12, 2002 06:06 p.m.
I feel awful. I got to chat with Josh this morning, which was fun. But then I was working on my drawings and I started feeling more and more depressed because memories were resurfacing in my head.

I use to have a "friend" who would just use me for when she wanted fun. If I didn't like doing what she wanted to do, she'd get upset. Or if I wanted to do something, she'd refuse. So I tried to do everthing she liked. (I had no backbone when I was little and I don't have much of one now, I think.) And just like any fickle child who loses intrest in a toy, she lost intrest in me. And was brutaly honest about it. Needless to say, I was wounded and that incident made me very shy of people.

I am afraid of it happening again. I was having a really fun time with a friend yesterday (Who will go unnamed for various reasons. Don't ask.) and the way they acted reminded me of the "friend" that had used me. Maybe I'm worring too much. Or making too much out of it. Or whatever. I think I need to talk to a friend. Or just get a hug. Or something. Farf, I feel like crap.

Those kids who use to tell you that they'd be your friend if you gave them your cupcake at lunch, they need to be shot in the head.

*Starry-eyed*

Sunday, August 11, 2002 11:46 a.m.
I love making people happy.

I'm drawin' today!

Pickle! I mean, um, yeah.

Wednesday, August 7, 2002 05:17 p.m.

Which Magic Stone are you? by. Xera

Quote the raven "Nevermore"...

Wednesday, August 7, 2002 05:08 p.m.


I am 35% Goth

Goth ny night, normal by day. Deep in my heart I know I am evil, but not on the company's time. I do need to eat.

Take the Goth Test at fuali.com

What Goth Are You?

Moot

Monday, August 5, 2002 12:16 p.m.
Oh what to do? I have to draw a pic for sweet Shuldich-kun. Then I have to finish the story and the character sketches for my senior project. But I don't have the drive to do either right now. Even though part of me does want to get them done. I so want to make Shuldich-kun a beautiful picture. I want to amaze him. I want to make him happy. *pouts* Even though he never reads my blog. And mom's gonna be on my back 'till I finish that senior project. She's been yelling at me about it. How can I make good art if I don't feel like drawing what's requested?!? *tugs on her hair*

And Jamie-chan. I need to help her with her Pitas blog. She's got pocky waiting for me too. And Nanna-chan's blog is funky so I have to fix the HTML on her blog.

And I'm so frustrated. *blushes and sweatdrops* Like, um, sexualy. I just can't stop thinking about sex, kissing, groping and the such. #><#;;;;; I think I've been cursed with Yotan's libido. Or something.

I feel so retarded. And stressed.

Actual content

Sunday, August 4, 2002 09:42 p.m.
Well, lesse. After having orange juice and 20mg of Paxil for breakfast (yeah my dosage was increased a few days ago), I chilled with my parents. Brushed my mom's hair, talked to both of them, ectera ectera. Got bored of that and headed over to Jamie's house to help her with her Pitas blog. She wasn't home. Weird. *laughs*

Anyway, I headed back home and left with my dad and my two brothers. They went to Rogans (or what ever the name of that damn shoe store is) in Waukeegan. I sat in the car for an hour and a half. (Better than sitting in a shoe store doing nothing. ><)

Then we headed off to Gurnee Mills shoping mall. I looked around a video game shop as my brother got more things for football. (He's trying to join the ZB Scorpians)

(I have typos. You're gonna be fussy about them, bite me.)

We walked around the mall and stoped as Suncoast. (They sell manga there now!) dad was sweet enough to buy me a Cowboy Bebop t-shirt. I can't wait to show it off. He wouldn't buy me the 3rd Weiß Kreuz DVD though. ><+

Oh well. At least I got something. He could of just not got me anything at all.

Picking up the pace, we got home, ordered pizza, ate it, and now my dad and brothers are upstairs watching TV while I'm typing this blog and chatting with Josh-kun.

Farf, I miss my friends.

Tests!

Saturday, August 3, 2002 06:21 p.m.


What obscure band are you?
I like their song "Drammamine". *_*