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Tuesday, December 13, 2005
AN OPEN LETTER TO MY TEETH

Dear Teeth,

Please stop fucking up my life. Nearly every person living on this planet has some sort of weak point, some Achilles Heel, some mortal enemy which plagues their every living waking moment and keeps them from reaching their true potential in life. For some people, it's a drug or alcohol addiction. For others, it's a love of excess food or gambling. For still others, it's a tendency to fall in love with people who are abusive or exploitative. And for some, their mortal weakness can simply be their own lack of imagination and/or ambition.

For me, it's YOU, teeth. YOU are my mortal enemy. It's YOU which sucks my life of it's joy and my bank account of its money. Money which took me a long time and a lot of effort to earn. It is YOU, teeth, which is quickly draining my spirit of it's resolve to survive and succeed. (Because really, why should I bother? As soon as I have the tiniest amount of money socked away, almost as if on cue, you start to chip or crumble or twinge. And so, back I go again, back to the dentist where I'm forced to hand over a substantial portion of my hard-won savings to keep you, --you tiny bunch of useless little white bastards--, from doing the things which cause me irritation and/or agony. Like that tiny, miniscule --yet painful-- chip I discovered in my front tooth last week. To fix it, I went to the dentist I had back in childhood (thinking perhaps, that he might give me a break, what with me being a lifelong customer and all.) Alas, such was not the case as he charged me 250 FUCKING DOLLARS to fix the tiny amoeba-sized little front-tooth chip.

250 bucks.

So, teeth, I'm warning you. I cannot afford to keep this up. I try to take care of you. I brush. I floss as often as I can. I come in for annual (and when I can afford it, semi-annual) cleanings. I know the primary fault most likely lies with my parents and their faulty genes. (Unfortunately I can't really blame my parents for deciding to mate and produce chalk-mouthed offspring, --and even if I could blame them, my parents are too busy trying to pay off their own dental bills to lend me any help with mine.)

So then, teeth. If you don't want me to go mad with despair and kill myself, you're going to have to cooperate with me. Just promise me that, for the next year, the next 12 months, you'll sit in my mouth and not do any sort of decaying, cracking, twinging or chipping. You'll just sit there and do NOTHING. Just one year. That's all I ask. That should be just enough time for me to get my finances in order and pay off my credit card debt (which I would NOT had to rack up if you had decided to be good to me THIS PAST year.)

If you do NOT behave yourselves, well....I'm going to have to let you fall out and get myself the shiniest, whitest dentures I can afford.

And then....for the first time in my life....I'm going to smile....

Friday, December 9, 2005
Boy, you know my life has got to be scraping bottom when getting a beat-up (but neat-looking) plastic dragon lamp turns out to be the highlight of my year. As if I needed more proof that my life is going down the crapper at Mach Speed: I wake up this morning to find a chip on my left front tooth. WTF??! I shelled out over a thousand fucking dollars this year on dental work and the buggers....just...will not....stop... falling apart.... Damn useless, enamel-less, money-sucking little white bastards. STOP CHIPPING RIGHT NOW!!! OR I WILL KNOCK YOU ALL OUT WITH A FUCKING BALL-PEAN HAMMER!!!!!! I MEAN THAT!!!

Okay... blind, sophmorically-expressed rage aside, I do have a new webfeature to introduce (for the three of you who still come to visit my page on a regular basis.) Behold: The Megaman X Thumbnail Theater, A Guest Webfeature by Kevin Hanson... Enjoy.