Friday, June 4, 2004

Today was supposed to be the day of my departure back to Minnesota. But I woke up this morning to find (a) the weather outside thundering and nasty (b) it is the first day of my period (owww) and (c) I have a throat virus. (Double owww) So I've decided to put off travel until such time as one (or hopefully, all three) conditions improve.

Not that I'm really in all that BIG of a hurry to get home, mind you. In fact, I'm dreading it. I would be perfectly content to remain down here in NC and work for a living at a decent job and make costumes, but the fact is, I just can't seem to make a go of it yet. My car is crumbling to rust and I just can't seem to find a decent graphic design related job in this area (or one that doesn't pay more than 8 bucks an hour and which isn't at a place with the word "copy" in it's title.) Plus, I miss my Dad. And I miss my cats (whom I do NOT want to subject to the horrors of cross-country travel until I'm sure I have secured a job with a livable wage in this area.) I'm sure there ARE decent jobs in places like Greensboro and Charlotte, but one needs a decent car to REACH those areas which I, at this moment in time, do not yet possess. So I'm going back home (at least temporarily) with my tail between my legs to search for a job in Minnesota's (hopefully) more substantial printing and imaging industries. One that will help me secure better transportation and a better standard of living in general. It's a small setback, but one I can deal with.

What I CANNOT deal with, however, is having to move back in with my mother.

I'm not sure what's happened to my mother in the past few years. Once she was reasonably nice and...well.. no more difficult to get along with than any other mother. But middle age, besides making her a little forgetful, has also made her MEAN. She's turning into Jeckyl and Hyde. One minute, she's nice and supportive-- the next, she's blaming you for all of her problems. Oh, and she also feels that if she doesn't antagonize you and send a certain amount of nagging your way every day, that you'll forget how to be successful. That somehow, it's up to HER to goad you into doing the things you need to do to make your life better. If she lets up on the goading, you'll sink back into mediocrity and inactivity. (Hell, it's not like you'd try to get a job and find an apartment because you'd WANT to. Oh no.)

I know the reason she's like this is probably because of my brother, who is one of those slacker types who's been spending the last few years living in her attic and soaking up her largesse. A man for whom the word "employment" does not exist. But I'm NOT like my brother. At every turn, I've tried to be gainfully employed at SOMETHING that will earn money, I've TRIED to look for a decent job so I can finally move the hell out of her house, I even went so far as to move to a different state so I could take a temporary (and paying) resident artist gig and look for employment WITHOUT her having to pony up any support for me, other than what it cost her to feed my cats. I'm NOT a bum, and I don't feel I need to be constantly browbeaten in order to do the things which I know are necessary for my own success and development.

I know...I know... A lot of people don't even HAVE the option of moving in with their parents when hard times hit. And I'm grateful to my mom for the NICE things she has done for me. If this is the price I got to pay for a roof over my head, I should quit whining and stay on the task at hand.

Still, I just wish my mother and I could get along a little better...

My computer is still acting wonky and I'm still planning to wipe it and reinstall Windows. But I'm unable to make a startup disk (due to some unkown error or other which crops up during the process--OF course, this being Microsquish, it won't come out and TELL me what the error is or where it's located. Feh). I dunno. I'll have to find some way to deal with it somehow....

God, I just feel so rotten....