Thursday, March 6, 2003 - 8:28 pm

No, I'm not dead. I'm not really alive, either, but at least I'm still capable of rational thought and/or behavior. Barely. These days, I've just been sitting around, working on my resume and becoming intimately acquainted with various new types of graphics and internet development software, (hopefully to the point where I'll become at least halfway employable as a Graphic Designer once again. Of course, this is the kind of thing I really should've been working on while I still HAD a job. Good Lord, why did I wait until I got tossed out of work before trying to enhance my skill set? Did I actually think I would remain a tombstone designer working on a dedicated software system with no conceivable applications in the Real World of Modern Graphic Design for the rest of my natural life? Apparently so. In which case I probably deserve all the suffering I'm currently going through.

By some miracle, I've manage to finish another page of Hamlet, and with any luck, I should be posting a new update of that particular webcomic entity soon. (Yeah, yeah, you've all heard that before.) My friend Kevin also sent me part one of his latest Thumbnail Theatre project: the Nadesico: Prince of Darkness Movie which I shall also be posting at some point in the (hopefully) near future. So stay tuned

Thursday, February 27, 2003 - 7:25 pm

ARRRRGHHH!! I learned an important lesson today. Never try to do anything creative after receiving a cryptic and evil-sounding letter from the unemployment office saying you're not eligible for benefits because you under-reported your severance. (And that you now owe them 600 dollars for benefits you never asked for and which they never paid you.) URGHH! Soon after receiving this mysterious missive, I settled down to work on Escaflowne Thumbnail Theatre Episode # 22, only to accidentally save Part 1 over the file of the mostly finished Part 2.

What's that sound Sideshow Bob makes whenever he gets supremely irritated? Grreerrrggghhhhh.

To make matters worse (and to cast an even deeper shadow over the events of the day,) Mr. Rogers has died. Man. This is heavy news. (I mean, if a nice guy like that can't convince the Grim Reaper to give him a fair shake, what chance do the rest of us have?) What a bummer. My birthday's tomorrow and it's, like, going to be the worst birthday ever.

Unless some higher cosmological being takes pity on me and decides to send a little luck my way. Mr. Rogers. If you can hear me... I was always a big fan of yours... Please help....

Wednesday, February 26, 2003 - 8:15 pm

I received a packet from my ex-bosses today. It was some information on my 401k and on COBRA, which does NOT refer to some venomous reptile, but rather, to the government mandated health coverage employers are, by law, required to offer you if they dump you. Said coverage does not come cheap. It is so not cheap that I can't help but wonder, since health insurance coverage can be found elsewhere in the private sector for far less, why the government would be bothering to institute this insipid COBRA dealie in the first place. I suppose it's for people like my mother, who, being a diabetic in her sixties, are unable to find health coverage anywhere else. Still, she has to pay 600 dollars a month for it, which in my opinion is an awful hell of a lot to ask an old sick lady to pay. In fact, I'd go so far to say it was a thinly disguised, legalized form of blackmail. How did things in this country get so bad? I blame Dubya.

The triumphant feeling I had at mailing out my first cover letter yesterday has now turned into one of supreme irritation, as I realize that I had forgotten to SIGN the damn thing. Oh yeah. That shows great organizational skills on MY part, doesn't it? Yeah, I can see those requests for interviews just flowing in...

Blarg. I've got to get on the ball. Got to focus...Oh. Berfore I go, here's a webcomic plug for a friend of mine who's currently helping me out with the whole job thang. It's called, Geeks, Phr33ks, & Subtitles His brother has a webcomic too, called OT

Hey, Luggage Puppy! How about dropping your poor, sick, unemployed friend a line one of these days? Hm?

Saturday, February 22, 2003 - 4:44 pm

Whoa. Time seems to stretch and lose all meaning when you're ridin' the Unemployment Train. It's Saturday already? Wow.

I'm still hammering out my resume (thanks to help rendered me by various online friends.) I'm also trying to put together my portfolio, which I thankfully did NOT throw away despite my uncanny tendency to chuck things which are of the greatest importance to me. Last night, I went to my friend Jared's apartment to partake of a little anime therapy. (He has copies of Cowboy Bebop: the Movie and Spirited Away, both of which we watched, and both of which are better than either of them have any right to be.) One word of warning about Spirited Away: do NOT watch it while under the influence of hallucinatory drugs. It will cause your brain severe damage...

Either that, or it will make everything that appears on the screen seem completely normal...

Well, anyway....To further take my mind off my dire situation, I went through and made edits to my Escaflowne Thumbnail Theater and I finished re-editing and uploading the changes my friend Kevin made to his Nadesico Thumbnail Theater. So I've got those out of the way at least. One less thing to worry about. Uh-huh. I'm not promising anything, but I'll see if I can't fit in some new hamlet pages at some point during the week. I may as well. Got nothing else to do...

Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 2:44 pm

I spent all morning struggling to put together a resume. To think I once thought I would never have to do this kind of thing again. I guess I just didn't want to have to contemplate the irritation and demoralization which comes with trying to whore oneself out to potential employers in a tight jobmarket. In spite of all my trouble, I believe I'm doing the right things: Yesterday I paid a visit to the local Workforce center and got some generic, government-sanctioned advice on job-seeking. I also paid visits to a couple of potential employers (although those were dead ends mostly). It's hard to keep my chin up, although a visit to Anime Club last night helped refresh my spirits. I see my cats are doing their darndest to cheer me up, but whenever I see them petting in my lap, all I can think about is how terrible it would be if I got thrown out of my apartment and had to give them away. As you can tell, I'm not really an optimist, although I recognize that most of the negative feelings I've been having have no basis in reality.

Still, you try and tell my wonky, mis-wired brain that. *Sigh*.

Today, I'm going to stay at home and try to finish up a few cosplay projects. (Speaking of cosplay projects, I've put my Vincent Valentine Cosplay Armor up for sale on ebay, in the hopes that someone will buy it for a lot of money. Which is something I could really use right now.)

Thanks to everyone who's given me support and encouragement. I sure can use it right now.

Monday, February 17, 2003 - 11:46 a.m.

Still clinging to life here, although three days of inadequate food and sleep are starting to take their toll. Today I marched myself in to the HR Department at my ex-workplace to ask them a few questions about insurance, my 401k and the like. They basically told me to keep checking my mail and I'd get some (hopefully useful) information on it soon. I then walked over to visit some old co-workers I used to work with in another, more employeee-friendly department to bid them goodbye. I talked to one of them who said someone with my talent basically shouldn't be going to waste and that they'd try to see what they could do about getting me a job in their department. (Although they wouldn't be making any promises.) They wanted to see some of the work I had done at my previous job, so I went over to the building where I used to work, to see if I could download and print some old files I had worked on (as examples of my emblem and logo-creating work.) Unfortunately, my old boss, Smilin' Steve walked by and caught me at it and then all but accused me of attempting to sabotage my computer. (I did delete a folder which had some photos on it, which were of no relevance to the company, but I left everything else alone.) After I assured him I wasn't there to destroy anything, he finally let me go with the pictures I had printed and a warning to never come back. My God. I can't believe how much this man dislikes me. I hardly know him, and I don't think I've ever given him any reason to be so paranoid. Why is he treating me like this? I know bosses have a tendency to become a bit callous and pragmatic when dealing with employees, but this man honestly thinks I'm some sort of criminal. I've never dealt with anyone like this before. And I hope never to again.

I showed my work to the person in the other department. They say if there's any chance of an opening for me there, they'll contact me within three days. I'm not getting my hopes up, but at least I'm hoping that I can ensure it so that someone at that company will give me a good reference.

Man, this whole unemployment thing is rough. Really rough. It's mostly my own fears and anxieties I have to grapple with. (I'm always grappling with my fears and anxieties, but now the situation seems to have amplified them somewhat.) Seeing as how all government offices are closed today, going to the local workforce center is right out, so I guess I'll just stay in and work on a few projects I've been meaning to get done. And do some reading as well. Yup. The fun never stops here at Chez Teri...

Saturday, February 15, 2003 - 11:48 am

Well, it's the day after Black Friday, and I have to say, I'm coping better than I thought I would. As far as Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' famed Five Stages of Grief go, I'm at the Anger stage now. I'm mad at the way I was treated by my company. I'm mad at the way they couldn't come out and say "We're phasing out your position in a couple (weeks/months), you'd better have a plan of action handy." I'm mad because the company used to, at one time believe it or not, be a great place to work for. I had a lot of power and a great deal of autonomy and creative control over what I was producing. I was actually doing things which I had been trained to do in college. Then one day, things started to change, and the higher-ups starting putting profits over people. All the workers were moved and re-moved. All the salespeople lost their individual cubicles and were forced to work in noisy (and allegedly more efficient) "pods". My duties slowly began to change. The product lines I had been working with were phased out and I was shunted into another department to become a passive-aggressive typesetter with very little control over what I did or how I did it. Had I been wise, (or perhaps, a little less stressed out,) I might have begun planning my mode of exit much sooner. Instead, I was throwing all of my energy into just trying to cope (and in trying to get as many of my webprojects finished as I could). And now, I'm just a burned out wreck.

This is what Corporate America (and my own ignorance) did to me, folks. Don't let it happen to you. Don't work for jerks, no matter how much they say they're going to pay you. It ain't worth it. If your company isn't compassionate, chances are they're not going to change and become nice guys just because you grovel and agree to do everything they tell you to. In that way lies folly.

So then...What will I do now? Well... Relax, I suppose... Try to keep things as normal as possible. Then on Monday, go in to the HR Department and try to figure out my options. Start the new job search. Take a few online armoring/costuming commissions. Just muddle through somehow, like a great many people in my position have had to do recently.

Thanks to everyone who's lent me their support and advice. With all this spare time on my hands, I'm hoping I'll be able to address my e-mail in-box backlog soon. (I've already posted some new suggestions to the TV Drinking game and the Cowboy Bebop AlliEver Lists). Maybe I'll even get some new Hamlet drawn. Who knows? Stay tuned.

And thanks everybody...

Friday, February 14, 2003 - 4;17 pm

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Well, after a week of grovelling and doing my durndest to act every inch the model employee, I was called into the bosses' office today and told that, as of today, my position had been eliminated. In other words, the nifty new automated system they were developing was going to handle the vast majority of my new duties from now on and as for the rest of the duties, they were going to be outsourced to other artists. This move was not an altogether unexpected one on their part, although I admit, the usually savvy me had been caught off guard by it. I had been hoping I'd have a little more time to research and develop a new plan of employment. But alas, such was not the case.

And now. I wonder. What's going to become of me? My employers were gracious enough to offer me two weeks severance, but after that, then what? What do I do for insurance? How do I fix my car and pay my other bills?

Welp. I suppose I'll find the answers to these questions in due time. In the meantime, don't expect much in the way of output from me other than the occasional sigh-laden log entry.

And to everyone thus far who's sent me their best wishes for my future....Thanks. I appreciate it. I get the feeling I'll need as much encouragement as I can get in the days ahead.

Tuesday, February 11, 2003 - 5:38 pm

Welp, I've decided to swallow my pride and stick with my job at Soulless Corp. Inc. Yeah, I know. You're all very disappointed in me. But y'all don't have to pay my bills so there.

Despite this seeming capitulation, I realize that if I ever want to gain any measure of satisfaction in this life, I must find some way to become self-employed. To do that will most likely require research, schooling, new computer equipment and a buttload of other really expensive stuff. Which means my only recourse then is to work my ass off, grin at my employers while pretending that I'm enjoying working my ass off, and save, save save. Yeah, that's just the kind of thing I wanted to hear....sure....

One bit of good news: Queenie thought she had run out of Elder Star pages. Turns out she still has ten more to go, so I gets myself a ten-week reprieve from having to work on the strip again. (Not that I don't wish I could work on it full time. And no, that wasn't a pathetic ploy to get people to donate more money to it so I CAN work on it in lieu of a full-time soul-sucking corporate job...)

Actually, yes... Yes it was...

Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 8:03 pm

Welp. It's Sunday. It's been two days since I was suspended from my job and I seem to be bearing up pretty well under the circumstances.....

Aw hell, who am I kidding? I'm terrified. My stomach and nerves are in knots. At least back when I was working for Soulless Inc. I knew exactly HOW miserable I was going to be in the course of a day. Now... I don't know anything anymore. It's not so much the prospect of losing everything I have and getting chucked out into the street. It's the uncertainty. I need routine. I need ritual. I need to know where my paycheck is coming from at all times.

Well, maybe I don't really. I'm going to try and look into going back to school if I can. Or maybe trying to get another job somewhere else. (Or, staying with the same job, only working part time.) I just wish I knew what it is I should be doing now. Why am I here on this Earth, and what was I put here to do? That's all I want to know.

I'm sorry. I shall hopefully have better news for you at some later time. In the meantime, I'm just going to try and relax as best I can...

Hoo boy. It'd be nice if I could get my left thumb to stop twitching...