"My tears are turning into time I've wasted, trying to find a reason for goodbye..."

powered by SignMyGuestbook.com Start Again Fighting It Trading in my Happiness... It doesn't seem to matter. Maybe I am the person who sits around and mopes when things don't go her away. Pathetic isn't it. I just can't stand how things are anymore. A person can only fake being happy for so long until they snap. I think I'm about to. See I don't think it's funny anymore. Maybe one day, when I'm like 50 I'll be able to look back and see some sort of humour in the whole situation. But everytime it comes up, I lamely smile, and am like "whatever" You wanna know what that covers. It covers me running from the room crying, it covers the sound my heart breaking. And for some reason people just don't get that. I invested, when I obviously shouldn't have. I mean when everyone questioned, I stood up. Stand by your man, isn't that a song or something. It's not easy to be me, the role I play. I'm not sure I'm fit for that now. Maybe I should hand it over to my understudy, because I don't feel I'm needed anymore and frankly I don't want to be needed. I had a dream last night where I died and got to see ppl's reactions. It was interesting. I mean really you can only fall apart for so long. So how have I impacted lives? DO I want to make an impact. Do I want to continue the life I'm living. I DON"T KNOW!! There's just so much to do and so little time, and frankly..I don't wanna grow up. I'm a toys'r'us Kid. I don't feel ready, I don't want to be ready. But....BAM! Real world here I come. So little, so many choices....so much pain. I Hope you realize from this, that is isn't easy to be me. Sure maybe I held on too long, but you don't realize this one thing, it was MY life and I WAS in LOVE and I got my heart BROKEN. As easy as it is for some ppl to move on. It seems like the harder I try, the worse it is for me to move. So many times I've though of cutting myself off, not having to go there. But then I got this huge role, that didn't totally meet my expectations, because we're no different from anyone else. Maybe it's time, I don't wanna hurt anymore, I don't want to be fake anymore. I just wish you would understand that. And stop pushing around like it's nothing....This could possibly be the biggest mistake of a pita entry. But I have feelings, and when I feel things, I write. SO if you have problem with what I wrote, I'm sorry. And when you read this, just read for the sake of reading. Don't go spreading around word of poor pathetic Melissa. I can handle myself. Sure I don't do a good job, but I get by... "Can you help me unravel my latest mistake, I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season..." Breather(2AM)- Anna Nalick Okay so I just re-read this. Possibly all hell could break loose. But at least everyone knows now right? I'm sorry, no matter how many times we talk about it, I can't make it disappear, please don't expect me to act like nothing happened. It was part of my life, a huge part. But heartbreak and bad things always happen to me, I think it's all in the last name..Brelsford. It's not that I'm not proud, I just wish I could re-live my life, and have everything back that is now missing...reality hurts, like a bitch..." Monday, March 7, 2005 Just look at me, look at me now. I'M A FAKE, I'M A FAKE!! I'm thinking its about time I updated. I'm so so tired right now. This weeks sleeping pattern has been brutal. Getting to sleep around 3 am and getting up around 10 and then friday when I actually have class, I had to get up at 6am..that's today. So I'm a little out it. Don't mind me. So I wrote a test this morning and then came home because turns out this afternoons class there is no extra little assignment dealio plus the weather is abosutely atrocious. Look at me use big words. So I'm thinking I'm going to have myself a much needed nap before I pass out on my own. I also get to go home early today to celebrate my birthday with my family. I get to see my nephew who is ever so cute!! I had to correct that previous setence about my nephew because I just realized instead of nephew I said cousin. Oh dear. So this saturday I'm hopefully going out with my peeps to hang. Who knows though. I haven't gotten back any responses which is kinda disappointing. Maybe I'll be chillin' at home alone that night. Depressing. Monday is my 21st birthday! On feb 21st..freak business. I'm excited!! kk's coming to london and we're going to hang out all day. Blast and half! I had a job interview this week at TNS GLobal, and survey interviewing company. I thought it went pretty well. I haven't heard back from them yet, I'm supposed to hear back from them tonight at the lastest and if I don't tonight...no job for me. How sad and depressing is that. I NEED A JOB!! after that little freak sesh, I'm off to bed. I can't keep my eyes open any longer and if you must know the time..i'ts 9:39AM...how pathetic... Friday, February 18, 2005 Night Drive Hey ya'll!! It's been some time since I've updated. But really I have nothing to say. Still out there lookin' for a job. Had an interview at Wal Mart today. I don't know really how it went. It was slighty weird. Like I said the wrong thing or something. I've been takin' a visit into the online world lately. Which is actually slightly new for me. Really interesting how many pervs there are out there. Freaky in fact. Anyway that's all for now. Sad I know..this may be my shortest entry yet. OVER! Thursday, February 3, 2005 I wasn't prepared for this... That happens to be a song by a girl named Eisley. Good tune actually. Kinds marks how I feel right now. I'm not prepared to go into the real world. And it's going to come up faster than I had hoped it would. I'm going to have to find a real job, make real money. So adult of me. School started last week and really I only went to one class for 15 minutes. A total waste of my time. But I went to my tuesday night class which was quite interesting and there happens to be 2 hotties in my class, so that helps the learning just a tad. I'm hittin' it up London style this weekend, not going back to stratty. As I am a bridesmaids I have to somewhat start my duties. So I'm going to a Bridal Show on saturday. I'm kinda excited about it. Should be a lot of fun. Plus I'll see Mich who I haven't seen since befor Christmas. I miss that gurl!! I'm checkin' out myspace. Although I only have 6 friends compared to Jon's like 3 million. But really I don't need that many ppl, I couldn't keep track of them all. Plus if nothing happens, than I'll just stick to my msn. That's typical Melissa. Playing it safe. I applied to some jobs this week. I brought my resume into: Claires, Reitmans, Payless, Staples, Bou Clair, Canadian Tire and Rogers Video. And Tomorrow I'm going to drop my resume off at Shoppers. I hope I get a job there, major discounts. Alrighty, that's all for now. Much Love and Happiness to ALL!! Wednesday, January 19, 2005 Fresh Start! Alrighty, so once again school starts. This time I'm not registered for it at all. I spent all morning in lines starting at 8am and ending around 11. Which isn't that much time but frustrating because they kept leading me in circles. Stupid registrars office. Turns out I can't even register until wednesday. Wish they had told me that ahead of time. Would've helped me out a lot today and also saved me bus money. Stupid school. This is my last semester!! Yay for me!! I'll finally be done. Which I'm super scared about. Off to the real world for me. Finding a job and makin' money...a lot hopefully. Just hard to believe I'm done, bascially 5 semesters later. What can I say, school was hard for me and I decided to take some extra time in it. no biggie. Good news is that my friend Michelle just got engaged!! I'm so happy for her. She's been waiting for this and deserves it. Her and the squash are such and amazing couple. And she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids!! I'm so excited!! It's something I've never done before. Funny part is she automatically assumed that JY would be my date. Which kinda made me laugh. No offence to the boy but I hope to have found someone by then. It's getting kind lonely over here and I don't like it too much. Single life is fun at first, but then realize you don't have anyone. Sure I have close friends which are amazing without a doubt but I wish I had that special someone to have, to hold, to kiss. One day...as I tell everyone. One day your prince will come. Well one day mine will come too. This past year has been amazing. Of course it's had it's ups and downs, the fights, the drama, the relationships, the friendships. Each and every moment unforgotten unless I was drunk. I had a great 2004. And I wanna thank my friends for that..all of you. You know who you are. I love you all, and miss each and everyone of you. Never think that I don't. You've been amazing to me, even through my retarded emotional phases I appreciate you being there for me and trying to understand where i'm coming from. I know I can be really difficult, so thank you for your patience. I wish each and everyone of you the best in 2005!! Much love and happieness to each....xoxo Monday, January 10, 2005 Jo Kathy Lisa Stacey Tee