A Slow Dissolve...

SongMood-A Decade Under the Influence... >>Taking Back Sunday Andy Jo Jon powered by SignMyGuestbook.com Past References From the Start Stuck in the Middle It's the hardest thing i'll ever have to do.... So officially I'm screwed, don't really have much choice in the matter. I guess you could say that I was right all along. It's my problem to deal with. I have to get rid of it in my own time on my own terms. But who knows when that will be. It's not like this is a small issue. One word can change everything for me. It's the difference between staying and going, loving and hating, friendship...and nothing. I can't choose between the 2 I want to be able to have both, minus the pain. Unfortunately, I'm the lucky girl who gets the pain. If it's not one thing, it's another right? FUCK I hate this? I feel like I'm not only lying to myself but to the rest of the world. I want it to stop, but in doing so...that not only stops the pain, it only creates more....I'm in over my head now...watch me sink... Friday, September 24, 2004 Breathe it in and breathe it out.... Before school starts to consume most of my life I thought I would write a short little entry for those who may or may not even care. Hell, I'm not even sure if people read my pita anymore. Frankly that's not a huge concern to me. I'm not about to get caught up in what people may think about me or may not think of me. It's really hard to convince yourself of that. take some time and patience. So I'm back in school and of course hating every minute, but I gotta push through until April. Which kinda sucks, totally I'm own fault and responsibilty though. I got it covered though. I'm takin' 5 courses right now and will be taking 3 in January. I also have to get a job on top of that which is going to be kind rough, that's just the way its workin out for me. In going to school it brings out a lot of change in everyone. Some change for the better and some change for the obvious worst. I know that I can honestly say that I've changed maybe in both aspects. I feel that I've grown a lot throughout my year at school. I've come to realize what I need and or want in life and in my friendships. I wish I could say that we will all be friends forever. But you and I both know that's not true. True friends will last but fake ones won't. And you can always point out the fake ones easily. Which is sad, because who wants fake friends when you can have real ones. So realize this. You can't always get what you want. You aren't always be right. Get all your facts straight before you speak. and remember to be open-minded.... Sunday, September 12, 2004 It's unexplainable how much one can care about another... So I'm thinkin' its about time I write another pita entry. It's been kind of awhile since I wrote the last one. It was also a strange one. I was in one of my depressed emotional moods where I feel like expressing without possessing? Doesn't really make sense to you but it makes sense to me. And I think that's all that matters. So once again we are at the time of year which every child, teenager and adult may or may not dred. Back to School. Lucky for me, it's not like that. Mostly because I've been going to school all summer..so it's gonna be a breeze. Lucky my ass...lol. I'm so sick of going to school. I wish it was over right about NOW. No more school for me. That's it I'm done, sayanora. Wish it was that easy. Only one semester to go...hopefully. Cross your fingers about that one. To all of you going back in September I wish you the best of lucky and the utmost happieness. For those going for the first time. It will be okay, sure the first week is slightly nervewracking, but trust me it does get better after that. Anywho that's all the words of wisdom I'm going to pass on for now...Luv to all.... Love makes the world go around, make your heart beat, puts a smile on your face. But why is it making me cry? Tuesday, August 31, 2004 In The Shadows... "I've been watching, I've been waiting, In the shadows for my time. I've been searching, I've been living, For tomorrows all my life..." --In the Shadows by The Rasmus Well my last entry was kind of a mixture between happy and down right depressed. And it seems that as soon as you show any bit of feeling outside of who you are. I think people regard it as out of the ordinary and maybe something that will just blow over, kind of like the wind. People emotional ups and downs are not the wind, they don't just "blow" over. Obviously you don't truly understand what one person may be going through at this point in time. Although many of you claim to know...but EACH and EVERY one of us is DIFFERENT..in case ya didn't notice that obvious fact. We all go through emotions in different manners. My last entry made me realize who I can trust, who I can depend on, who will be there when I fall and who is being up front with me. I don't like be lied to, back stabbed or ignored. If people have a problem with me, straight out tell me. What don't you like about me, about what I do, about how I act, about who I share my secrets with. I go with my gut instincts for everything, if I dont' feel that I can trust you, I'm sorry but that's just the way it's going to be. But if I see you treat other people like shit, what makes you think that I'm going to welcome you into my life and let you do the same to me. Chances are slim to none. I wish I could say that I love my life and that I'm over the top happy. But that would be an obvious lie. Who can say that they are truly happy with who they are and how they live their life. Because really they would be lying not only to themselves but to everyone surrounding them. No one, I repeat no one lives in extreme happieness. What a sick world that would be. So let me tell you people, don't be afraid to express who you are, what you're feeling, your ups and downs. Expose it all, don't hide behind the a fake smiling face, it only allows people to see right through you... This is in no way directed to anyone at all. So I hear about people taking offence to this, I'm not going to be too impressed seeing as I'm just expressing how I feel about myself..not pointing fingers to anyone. So please just read it and don't try to jump start a fight...won't get you anywhere.... Tuesday, August 10, 2004 Extreme Emotions As most of you now know. I have recently become an AUNT which is totally exciting for me. I'm so very excited to see my new nephew, who I get to see tomorrow afternoon. I really can hardly wait. This week has been a good week for me, reason being is Malachi Thomas Brelsfords birth. Some new happiness in my life which was much needed. These past few weeks. Have been kinda rough for me. Although it may not seem like it because I'm all smiley on the outside. But there are 2 sides to every person. Appearance is nothing. I crave to be happy but a person can't really be happy 24/7, that would just be way to much and overwhelming. I had a long talk with a great friend the other day who's been with my through thick and thin. Made me realize, I really can't be strong all the time. As much as I try, the more fall apart on the inside. So here is my admittance, I'm not happy and frankly I'm caving in. Of all the emotionally experiences I've felt in my life, this would rank second hightest. I'm not sure how much more I can deal with. As much as you may want to talk about this with me. It pretty much won't happen. I'm a closed book. This is the only sneak preview anyone will get. I know that I need my friends around me, but it's not that easy...life never was,and I'm thinkin' it will never be.... Love what a sick word to use, stop throwing it around until you know what it means...never ever assume ANYTHING... Wednesday, July 28, 2004 Kathy Lisa Tee