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don't you want somebody to love?  You're Seth...cute, kind, and musical. You also make the best mona moka. Which Higley's employee are you? brought to you by Quizilla the bullet train from tokyo to los angeles... 11:10 p.m. Saturday, April 26, 2003 well...i got up and went right back to sleep this morning. lots of guitar was played today too. i talked to ricky about going with him to the battle of the bands thing, but he never called back. i guess i'm a little disappointed, but that's life. i'm sure there was a good reason for not calling. so ryan called later, but i couldn't think of anything to do or anyone to take us cos he's not allowed to drive when his mum isn't home or something. later, john called and offered the transportation services of his mother, so the three of us went to the battle of the bands for a little while. devore (well not really) was awesome! i only saw a few songs of theirs, but they were really good. my mormon boyfriend came back from tour early to play. there were lots of cv people there too. it was strange, but i think a cv band was playing or something. mel and i shared cotton candy whilst we strolled around looking at the strangeness that was the carnival. anyway, as we were on our way out, kyle and nick came...sorry i couldn't talk guys...i was on the phone with my daddy. john, ryan, and i came back to my place and played super smash bros. twas a jolly good time, as always. now i'm bored since they left so eary. i mean, come on. who leaves at 11? hahaha! ok. so i'm sorry that i couldn't come to your party, kathryn. i didn't think it was appropriate to bring two other people with me. i actually had a really good night, and i'm super excited to go shopping tomorrow to find nicole a dress. yay! ugh...i'm hyper but tired at the same time. does that make sense? ok...off to play video games or something. buh bye! seven deadly sins/heavenly virtues survey 07:07 p.m. Saturday, April 26, 2003 Seven Deadly Sins ANGER 1. Who did you last get angry with? i was angry last night at john and ryan acos they kept tickling me...okay...so i was more scared...but shhh! 2. What is your weapon of choice? my voice...or one of those ring things that xena has...i've always wanted one of those... 3. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? i do it all the time! if they deserved it...or if i was being playful 4. How about of the same sex? doubtful...but it's been known to happen... 5. Who was the last person who got really angry at you? i don't know...people are always angry at me for dumb reasons...me included 6. Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily? i forgive pretty easily...but once they get to a certain point...grudges are permanent SLOTH 1. What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't done in a long time? homework 2. What is the latest you've ever woken up? hmmm...at night again... 3. Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't: ricky...i want to see if we can be friends again mayhaps... 4. What is the last lame excuse you made? i don't know 5. Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through? yes...i LOVE infomercials...sick...i know. 6. When was the last time you got a good workout in? hmmm...a good one? i have no clue... 7. How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock today? it doesn't go off on weekends GLUTTONY 1. What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice? hmmm...that would have to be bloody marys...i don't know! 2. Meat eaters: white meat or dark meat? both! 3. What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event? hahaha...i don't remember! 4. Have you ever used a professional diet company? fuck no 5. Do you have an issue with your weight? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha *breathes* hahahahahahahahahahahaha! 6. Do you prefer sweets, salty foods, or spicy foods? all of those 7. Have you ever looked at a small housepet or child and thought, "LUNCH"? that's awful and disgusting LUST 1. How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies/family)? hmmmm...a few 2. How many people have seen YOU naked (not counting physicians/family)? hahaha...all too many...i have this habit of showing people obscene body parts and taking off my clothes 3. Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a member of your gender of choice during a normal conversation? of course...i like comparing and admiring boobs 4. Have you "done it"? yeah 5. What is your favorite body part on a person of your gender of choice? well...that'd be the penis 6. Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute? no 7. Have you ever had to get tested for an STD or pregnancy? no GREED 1. How many credit cards do you own? one 2. What's your guilty pleasure store? forever 21 3. If you had $1 million, what would you do with it? buy guitars for everyone and get more gaming systems and buy lots of cds... 4. Would you rather be rich, or famous? rich 5. Would you accept a boring job if it meant you would make megabucks? depends... 6. Have you ever stolen anything? no...only my sister's keychain...but i'm just waiting to see how long it takes for her to notice it's missing... 7. How many MP3s are on your hard drive? dunno...my sister downloads them...i don't PRIDE 1. What one thing have you done that you're most proud of? making music 2. What one thing have you done that your parents are most proud of? college 3. What thing would you like to accomplish in your life? to be happy 4. Do you get annoyed by coming in second place? sometimes...it depends 5. Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors? no 6. Have you ever cheated on something to get a higher score? no 7. What did you do today that you're proud of? i helped some friends ENVY 1. What item (or person) of your friends would you most want to have for your own? justin's bed 2. Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with? hmm...erin or nicole cos they know my taste 3. If you could be anyone else in the world, who would you be? shirley manson 4. Have you ever been cheated on? no 5. Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own? of course 6. What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself? i wish i was more confident 7. Do you wish you'd come up with this survey? nope 8. Finally, what is your favorite deadly sin? gluttony cos i loves to eats Seven Heavenly Virtues FAITH 1. What religion do you follow? kimist 2. What religion were you raised as? christian when was the last time i went to church? don't remember 3. Do you believe that forgiveness is a religious property, or a human property? human property 4. Do you believe in magic? sometimes 5. What was the last promise you broke? dunno 6. Have you ever said the words to a prayer and not meant it? no 7. Do you believe that anyone could be perfect? no HOPE 1. Did you get everything you wanted over the last holiday season? no...but i got enough 2. Regarding your future, what is the best thing you could hope for? happiness and love 3. Do you let yourself get your hopes up for something even if you know that there is a large chance of failure? sometimes...that's why i'm so often pessimistic...cos i hate getting my hopes up. 4. Do you believe in magic? sometimes 5. Have you ever bought a lottery ticket? not yet 6. Do you gamble? sometimes 7. Have you ever had something called off on account of bad weather, but then gone ahead and done it anyway? huh? CHARITY 1. What causes do you support? most 2. What causes have you given money or time to? union station, project angelfood, key club, etc. 3. Have you ever worked in a soup kitchen or done another kind of outreach for the homeless? yeah...i enjoy feeding them. 4. Would you ever consider joining the Peace Corps, Amnesty International, or another travel-inherent worldwide charity group? no 5. Do you give money to the homeless on the street? no 6. Have you ever helped out a friend with basic needs, like rent or food? food i guess 7. What's the greatest extent you've gone to help a friend in need? hmmm...i've stayed up all night many a times just to listen. i don't really know if that helped or not though FORTITUDE 1. What are you most afraid of? failure and rejection 2. What did you do today that was really brave? i didn't really do anything that was really brave 3. Who is your favorite superhero, and why? storm! i was always storm when we played x-men 4. Would you put your life in danger to rescue someone? probably 5. If you were to face the Wizard, would you want more courage, more brains, or more heart? brains 6. Have you ever gotten stage fright? millions of times 7. Do you consider yourself to be a leader or a follower? it really depends...a little of both JUSTICE 1. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty? nope 2. If they reinstituted the draft (for both genders), would you go, or would find some way out of it? i suppose i'd go...but i wouldn't want to 3. Do you support capital punishment (the death penalty)? sometimes 4. Do you believe that Dubya is rightfully President of the USA? unfortunately yes 5. What was your favorite media circus trial? i don't like any of those 6. Have you ever written a letter to a politician? no...except for my mr. davis...you're a dumbass and mr. bush...you are too ones TEMPERANCE 1. What do you have the hardest time moderating yourself on? wasting time 2. Do you collect anything? yup...garbage memorabilia 3. Are you addicted to anything? garbage and mountain dew 4. Have you ever put anything on layaway or used an installment plan? no 5. What's your preferred method of paying for things? credit card 6. Tell us one thing you wish you hadn't let yourself do: there are so many things that i really just should have never done 7. Do you feel that you obsess over things? of course...i'm a girl PRUDENCE 1. Who is the wisest person you know? hmmm...i don't know 2. Have you ever participated in a vigil? no 3. Do you take advice when it's given? i take it into consideration 4. What area are you wisest in? garbage knowledge 5. Do you drive defensively? i'm asian...and a girl...i don't drive. 6. Have you ever had unprotected sex outside of marriage? no 7. What did you learn today? that life is so damn confusing And of course, what is your favorite heavenly virtue? faith i'm beautiful like me... 11:41 p.m. Friday, April 25, 2003 oof. today started off not so good, got progressively worse, then became fabulous. i started my period in ssr, so cramps and bloating followed. i was in so much fucking pain. i swear i was going to explode. i felt like throwing up and shit. so, i went home after third period. once i got home, i took a nap, which made me feel 100 percent better. no more cramps! yay! so i went shopping for a prom dress with annelise, shaun, and sarah. i got this great orange dress. i love the cut of it! i'll post a picture of it later. anyway, annelise and i also got our make up done, and what do you know? guys were actually checking me out. who knew that anybody would ever find me remotely attractive other than myself? hahaha! they played five million garbage songs at the mac make up counter too because of shirl's ads with them. we went to higleys for dinner because my cramps were coming back, and so i wanted to plop myself down on a couch. mike was working, and he was being a bit creepy. he kept stroking my hair, which made me really uncomfortable. i found out that his girfriend is 18 too. i don't know how old he is but ok. seth came later, which was nice. once we were done there, it was decided that we should see jackass at annelise's house. ryan and john joined us, and it was a hilarious movie. oh my god! it made me want to run around and act stupid like them. so now i'm bloated and crappy feeling once again. i'm being depressed too. i really want someone to love. i want to be in love again and share life with someone special. i want to be held and feel close to someone. it's the little things like being able to rest your head on someone's shoulder and smell them or just looking at each other and smiling. the thing is i'm always looking in the wrong places. i keep having crushes on people that i know would never lead to anything, and it sucks. i have to stop falling for all the nice guys. they're exactly the kind that wouldn't want me. argh! okay...i'm done bitching for tonight...soundtrack: garbage wasting time... 04:48 p.m. Thursday, April 24, 2003 ok...so i should be starting my homework so uop doesn't pull my admission and stuff, but meh...that'd be too much work. anyway, i had a good day today. i slept through most of first period until the bell rang for a fire drill or whatever. then, it was off to the field where i talked with shaun, caitlin, and dan. i got a text message from annelise too, which i just got right now (sorry!). foods was incredibly fun today too because everyone was in a good mood, and the food was easy to make but still tasty. we made tortillas, salsa, and red rice. sociology was boring, as it always is. according to harv, jews can't have children. who knew? guitar was good too. i'm still working on this great classical piece, and i'm loving it. it sounds absolutely gorgeous. plus, it's a good change from what i usually learn. hmmmm...methinks i won't take a nap today to see if that's what has been keeping me up at night. i'm sure that's what it is. i am, however, quite tired right now. eep! okay...so almost everyone has a god damn prom date except for me. that's really depressing. i mean, i'm not that bad of a date. i swear! oh well. i suppose i'll eventually find someone. *sigh* my puppies are so cute. okay, so they aren't really puppies, but they still act like they are sometimes. ollie kept nuzzling me last night until i let him sleep with me, and lucifer is always just the cutest thing when she curls up on top of me. i love them! now, i'm off to play with them. buh bye! soundtrack: kylie minogue (okay...i have strange taste in music. i just realized that in the same cd case, i had kylie minogue, the doors, weezer, bowie, pm5k, pink floyd, the hippos, and some choral music.) playing those games cos we had nothing to do... 09:49 p.m. Wednesday, April 23, 2003 government class was boring, as usual. choir was fun though. we didn't really do anything. i would've rather worked on our new music, but i suppose we deserved a break. next week seniors get to go to school late because of cat 9 testing. so, my mormon boyfriend is going to pick me up at 8.30 on wednesday, and all the seniors in choir are going to go out to breakfast. i'm so excited! hehehe! we had a senior barbecue thing today with hamburgers and such. i was happy cos it was free food. yay! sara wasn't in english today, which sucked cos she's supposed to keep me awake. i fell asleep, and emma said she was poking me. i guess i really was in a deep sleep cos i felt nothing. besides, we were watching the mel gibson version of hamlet, which is pretty damn bad. okay...i can't hold this in any longer. erin...ricky...HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and i'm not fucking singing to you guys again cos i already did. welcome to the world of sex and cigarettes. erin, we can legally have sex again. yay! i love you, my wife. hehehe! sleepy sleepy. nighty night! soundtrack: sarah mclachlan when i think about you, i touch myself... 10:17 p.m. Tuesday, April 22, 2003 ok so maybe i'm weird, but i love touching myself. i mean, not just down there, but like everywhere. i love touching my boobs especially. they just fascinate me. they're so squishy yet firm. i was being really bad about it today especially though. i mean, it was just one of those days where you can walk around and feel incredibly confident about your body. i felt so sexy, and i think it really helped me feel better about the day too. i actually had a positive attitude for once. plus, i watched movies in the two classes that i went to, so how can you not help but get turned on when you're in the dark? anyway, i'm done sounding like a complete pervert until tomorrow when i talk about wanting to fuck someone or watching porn. buh bye! the water out of the tap is very hard to drink... 05:53 p.m. Tuesday, April 22, 2003 this morning i was able to sleep in a little. i got to school around 8.10 cos we had a choir festival. the other choirs were all pretty good. none of them were horrible to listen to, so that was nice. i really cannot stand rude audiences. there were 8th graders sitting behind me during part of the show, and they kept talking and kicking my chair. when i asked them to stop, they talked back to me. i couldn't believe how disrespectful they were. i was seriously ready to go back there and slap them. anyway, i really didn't think we performed as well as we could have. in fact, i was really disappointed with our choir, but the judges weren't apparently. we tied with chamber, which was nice since at the beginning of the year, a certain chamber singer said that there was a lack of talent in our choir. one of the other choir directors from another school came up to me and said, "i really enjoyed watching you sing. your face is so animated, and you can just see that you enjoy singing. i really appreciated that." i was so touched. that's something that i'm really proud of because after just about every concert, someone has said that to me. it makes me feel good that i entertain people and get them more enthusiastic about the music. after school, i went to the hospital to get some orthodontic work done, and we got to discuss my next surgery. it's probably going to be in a couple months. exciting. bleh! ooo...i felt sexy today too, which hasn't happened in a while. yay! *dances* so now it's off to my dad's birthday dinner. we're going to shogun cos he wanted to watch people cook. hahaha! silly asian food places...buh bye! soudntrack: sarah mclachlan i'm watching you watch over me... 09:18 p.m. Monday, April 21, 2003 today started out kind of meh. i was a lot more tired than i thought i would be. i actually slept through first period. i mean, usually i rest my head, but i actually fell asleep in class. anyway, as the day went on, i woke up more and more. i went to jims for lunch, which is always fabulous. i realised that i had forgotten to type up my essay that was due in english. being the lazy arse senior that i am, i immediately shrugged it off and went on with my day. i'm turning it in tomorrow for less points. meh! i'm not too worried about english class anyway. when i got home i took a nice long nap before working on housing things for college. then, it was off to higleys cos it's seth last night working there. i did some homework until emma and john showed up. then, out of nowhere, russell showed up too. he showed me his neato boy scout medals, which were actually quite impressive. yay for him. tomorrow is a choir festival, so i'm really excited. i love hearing other choirs perform, at least when they're entertaining or good. okay, i have to do homework. buh bye! soundtrack: poe unravel me...a distant cord... 08:32 p.m. Sunday, April 20, 2003 well well well...it's been a rough and stressful weekend. other than that, easter sucked too. i missed the easter egg hunt, and then my family kept talking shit about me whilst i was in the same room. they always call me "devil girl" or something that has to do with the devil. from friends, it doesn't bother me cos i know that they're joking around plus, it's not constant from them. my family thinks i worship the devil or something, which is something that i'm not opposed to necessarily, but it's not who i am. after i told them how much it really bothered me, they stopped for the most part. that was much appreciated. i really just don't know anymore. i really think the only thing keeping me alive is knowing that i'll be leaving for college soon, and i won't have to deal with all this shit anymore. ok. i'm off now. tomorrow is seth's last night working at higleys, so all seth fans should say their "goodbyes"! soundtrack: faure's requiem and the animal awakens... 02:04 a.m. Sunday, April 20, 2003 hmmm...i really wasn't going to do anything today, but eventually, i did. last night was just me at my lowest point again. i don't know if i'm ever going to write about it cos i'll get crap about it, so just forget about that. emma, annelise, may, mel, john, and ryan went with me to see bend it like beckham. i thought the movie was good, but the acting was so incredibly bad. it did have jonathan rhys myers in it though, so i suppose that made up for it. after that, john and ryan came over to help me dye eggs. ryan spent most of his time on one egg, which turned out looking pretty good. they played smash a little whilst i chatted online. it was about 2 in the morning when they left. now i'm just sitting here typing nothingness on this page. so good night! there's an easter party at my house, so if you don't have one to go to, you can come on over! suffocate me with unsaid words... 11:28 p.m. Friday, April 18, 2003 okey dokey. so the devores were really good again. there were some slight problems with their sound though, so methinks i enjoyed the other show better. there were tons of people there, including ricky, who i'm not really interested in talking to right now. that was weird. it's not cos he's my ex but because i'm really angry about some choices he has made lately. then again, it's none of my business. i just think it's funny that i wanted to make amends with him for so long, and when i finally do, i'm disgusted with him. i'm sure he's a good person, but i'm not sure that i want to be his friend anymore. who knows though...things could change. i hope they do cos there's still that part of me that still wants to be his friend and hang out. so we went to play capture the flag after higleys, and it was kind of weird being surrounded by mormons. i felt really uncomfortable, especially cos craig ballard was acting all stalkerish to me. so, shaun, annelise, brynn, dan, and nicole left with me to come to my house. we hung out for a while. brynn broke my mum's newest art find, so now i'm dead. it's really been a weird night, and i really want to go out and do something. the only problem is that everyone has these early curfews. argh! okey dokey...enough bitching for one night. i'm just not feeling like myself right now. there were too many groups of friends mixing in one place at the same time. it felt suffocating to me. i finally added that poem up. i'm not sure if i like it so much now that i look back at it. meh. whatever! everybody says it's just like robin hood... 03:21 p.m. Friday, April 18, 2003 meh...school sucked as was to be expected. we had this bitch sub from hell today in foods. i mean, yes, there were people being rude in the class, but she was yelling every second. i swear she was going to explode with her guts everywhere. i didn't want to get my backpack dirty, so i stayed quiet for the most part. she wanted us to take notes on emeril. ummm...ok? i got home a little while ago, and there were two packages in my mail box. yay! i got my sarah mclachlan cd and the velvet goldmine soundtrack. i have missed sarah mclachlan so much since i broke my other cd of hers. the velvet goldmine one is nice cos it's got placebo and brian eno on it. yummy! later tonight i'm seeing mormon boyfriend's band perform. hopefully i can clear some stuff up with him and get to talking about our new band creatively named "not devore". (his band is called "devore" cos it's three devores in it) so...i'm bored now. methinks i'll go take a nap. i'll probably write another entry later tonight after i actually do something. buh bye! ps...nick, you can bring people from other schools. kyle meant the band thing. i wanna feel you from the inside... 10:17 p.m. Thursday, April 17, 2003 why have i not had sex in like six months? god dammit! red hot kitchen! red hot kitchen! seriously...fuck that whole frustrated virgins club. i want in too cos i'm damn horny (what a surprise). i swear i'm going to explode! aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! sorry for the rant...nighty night! you pretend you're anything just to be adored... 04:48 p.m. Thursday, April 17, 2003 guitar was fun today. i've been working on a classical piece, but i refuse to play it on a nylon acoustic cos i want to play my new guitar. ha! i got some new picks too, which i always need cos i'm very good at losing them. school was actually quite fun today. i danced some more. hahaha! i love making an arse out of myself. we're watching a time to kill in sociology, which is proving to be a really disturbing, sad movie. whilst i was at graysons buying my picks and stuff, i started thinking about self esteem. i mean, i want people around me to have self esteem, but it's hard to know how to react to certain behaviours when you know they aren't healthy. i mean, when someone starts complaining about being fat, you don't want to say "yes, you are", but at the same time, you don't really want to say "no, you aren't" cos it's reinforcing this awful behaviour. so what the hell are you supposed to do? i mean, it's understandable when it happens once or twice, but when the it becomes constant that a person complains for sympathy to make themselves feel better, it seems like there really isn't much you can do about it. that really confuses me, and nicole, i'm not talking about you. i know you were a little hard on yourself today, but you don't do it constantly. i was just randomly thinking about it. anyway, i got my cd of faure's requiem with the durufle one too. thanks for recommending it, andrew. it really is moving. the soprano on the cd i have has this absolutely gorgeous voice. yay! *dances* okay, so who's going to ask me to prom? meep meep! soundtrack: faure's requiem (on full blast might i add cos my computer's sound is so bad) walk away cos you're breaking up the girl... 06:29 p.m. Wednesday, April 16, 2003 bored bored bored. i was really hyper today for some reason, but i danced so much that it made me really tired. hahaha! i went with shaun, emma, erin, and russ russ to lunch today. that was an odd group of people, but i love them all. it's great how everyday in gov, at least one of my friends doesn't show up. usually, it's mormon boyfriend, but today it was emma. yesterday it was erin. monday it was kenric and i. god damn us lazy seniors! choir was okay, but i really wish that we had worked more (what a concept...singing in choir). i mean, i know that we're good, but i think that with more work, we could be absolutely amazing. so now i just got back from my psychologist appointment. we got all sentimental about graduating and crap. i'm going to miss all of you guys so much, and it sucks that i just started to get to know some of you guys. that being said, i'm still really excited about leaving. art people got back from paris today, which was nice cos annelise got me a key chain and two garbage cds! yay! *dances* i already have both of them, but you know me. i like to have as many copies of things as possible. thanks babe! methinks my collection might be nearing 90 garbage cds. excitingness. oh yeah...those who haven't signed the guestbook yet, sign it! soundtrack: garbage...breaking up the girl ps...i got a xanga last night, and i'm getting a livejournal soon from kathryn. i'm not writing too much in them, but it's easier to leave messages and comments to you people with those types of blogs. planets crash into dust... 03:41 p.m. Tuesday, April 15, 2003 today was boring. i slept through most of my classes. i went to higleys last night and put together a little book for all my choir tour pictures for this year. i'm not totally done yet but all the picture parts are. i got to see john, mike, and seth, who decided it would be funny to tell everyone about my thoughts on gavin caswell being sexy. argh! anyway, next monday is seth's last day. it's going to be sad. i was able to write a poem last night at higleys, which is great cos i've been really slacking off in the poetry department. i'll post it later when i don't feel like being so lazy. it reminds me of my last one, the one with the kimonos and such. brian came over cos he broke his toe and wanted to show it off. hahaha...now methinks a nap sounds good. i'm so excited for graduation. i love my friends so much, and it's going to be so much fun being able to share this event with them. soundtrack: garbage...soldier through this...god i love garbage! cos i won't remember... 06:14 p.m. Monday, April 14, 2003 so this morning i really didn't feel like going to school because i spent all of last night thinking. i came during fourth period, and that was fun cos it was choir. hahaha! anyway, after school, i went to the neurologist. that was incredibly boring, but i suppose that's to be expected. she had no information about the thing growing, so i guess that a good thing. okay...pictures from random things. i only uploaded four, and they're really small. if you want others, i can email them to you or see me at school.  Our choir after winning first place at competition!  toga party with the choir from Brentwood  Emma, me, Diana, May, and Nicole before Moulin Rouge  a special present for May made at the beach i can add more pictures later if you really want me to, so let me know. off to higleys! buh bye! that's what friends are for... 10:28 p.m. Sunday, April 13, 2003 to my friends (and even those who aren't)...if you ever need to talk to anyone, i'm here for you. you can call me up at anytime of the day or night and i'll listen (even at 3.00 in the morning, as someof you know). i'm really bad with advice, but i'm pretty good at listening to what people say. i don't ever want you guys to feel bad. i love you guys so much! here's my cell...653-2536 if you need it. on another note, i've changed the layout of my page once more. let me know what you think. please sign my guestbook too cos i really want to know who visits my site. there's a link to it in my prior entry. thanks! Who are you... 02:23 a.m. Sunday, April 13, 2003 I would like to know who exactly visits and read this site...so please sign my guestbook!  View My Guestbook Sign My Guestbook i don't wanna be lonely...i just wanna be alone... 01:41 a.m. Sunday, April 13, 2003 so russell, blum, and steve just came over. super smash bros was played and porn was seen. so in a way, i did kind of socialize today. i swear...i'm not going back to being a hermit. i swear! tomorrow (today) is my dad's retirement party with the family, so i have to get some sleep. i hate being with my family cos they don't understand me. they always tell me that i'm being weird. well, poo to that. it's funny, but for the first time in a long time, i'm not horny. hahaha! ok...i'm in a weird mood though. it's so damn hot in this house! argh...off to sleep. soundtrack: cream fix me now i wish you would... 09:20 p.m. Saturday, April 12, 2003 hmph...it seems like everyone is talking about prom, and i'm lacking in the date department. i know, i know, i could always just ask someone if i get that desperate, but i've never been asked to a dance before. i'd really like to be asked to one in a cool way. i mean, going with a boyfriend, i always assumed that we were going, so there wasn't anything fabulous and romantic about it. also, most of my guy friends that go to our school have history with friends that hasn't quite been resolved or healed yet. argh! why can't i just fall in love with a nice, romantic guy who loves me and wants to go to prom? hahaha! today was boring day, which was mostly my fault though. russell called wanting to see phonebooth, but i really didn't want to see it. so, i stayed home and slept. now i'm really bored! i wish my parents weren't home cos i feel like wandering around the house naked. ok...off to wander around pretending i'm naked. buh bye! i feel pretty and witty and gay... 11:29 p.m. Friday, April 11, 2003 hmmm...slept most of the day, except when my mum left...i turned up my amp and blasted on the guitar. that was fun. i can't believe break is almost over. that sucks. anyway, russell and i went to paseo early to buy some nerf guns to shoot at people, but kay bee doesn't sell them there. that sucked, so we went to brookstone and did sexual things with the massagers. after that, we saw anger management with ajay, simon, brian ahn, mitchell, and a bunch of other guys. it was actually a really funny movie. i thought it would be bad but nope. russell and i went to higleys after that, where he played chess with bill and i ate. ryan and mike were working. it turns out that seth has been laid off because they need someone who will work more than one night a week. that sucks. i'm bored! why did russell have to be tired? i want to do something now! ahhhhh! ha! you know what really sucks? i'm horny as fucking hell! like seriously, this kitchen is as red and hot as hell. it was too bad that russell was the only one at higleys with me cos any other guy would have been fucked nice and hard. hahaha! okey dokey...off to see if there's anything good on the teevee. buh bye! soundtrack: freak show sandpaper tears corrode the film... 05:52 p.m. Friday, April 11, 2003 after reading martin's entry about silverchair, i decided to go back and listen to diorama last night because when i first got it, i kind of wrote it off as being average. holy shit...i was wrong. it's such an amazing album. the thing that i was impressed by the most was the musical growth that you can hear in the album. it's so weird going back to frogstomp and knowing that they are the same band. each of their albums are different, yet i love them all. it's the same way with garbage. they've changed so much from where they started, but i still love them. come to think of it, it's the same way with david bowie too. damn...my three favourite bands aging with grace. i mean, there are lots of bands that change in the course of their existence, but it's not as often that they can remain successful with those changes. anyway, sorry for the rant, but i had to. i can't help myself. hehehe! it's too bad that daniel is getting married to natalie (even though i've told myself countless times that he hates her) cos he was supposed to be mine. how could you go wrong with a guy that sings like that with so much passion? i mean, we even have the same guitar. we were meant for each other! i swear! hahaha...so...later tonight i'm off to the movies with ajay, russell, simon, and mitchell, but i'm bored now! aaaaaah! ok...i'll go play guitar or go out with russ russ early or something...buh bye! like an animal you're moving over me... 02:24 a.m. Thursday, April 10, 2003 hmmm...i slept most of the day once again and played guitar. it's so nice being lazy. ha! i went to the movies with simon, diana, emma, erin, and russell. actually, we went to in n out first, which was fabulous, as usual. then, we saw bowling for columbine. while i didn't really agree with a lot of the points that were made in the documentary, it was still interesting and quite humorous in presentation. it was thought provoking to say the least. everyone came over to my house after cos my parents don't care. i played more zelda after everyone left. i love when it's warm outside at night cos i love walking around when it's dark. mmm! i actually wrote a whole crap load of stuff to say in here last night cos i couldn't sleep, but i'm not sure if i'm ready to share that yet. so, y'all will just have to wait a while. it may just be spring, but i'm really itching to be held in someone's arms and feel safe. by that i mean more than i usually do. i want to be cute with someone. meep! okay, i'm done with complaining. it's in my last entry too anyway. hahaha! okay...i'm off to think about angelina jolie, nail varnish, and david bowie in a bathtub with me. mmmmm...*grin* soundtrack: curve i want to break your heart and give you mine... 03:27 a.m. Wednesday, April 9, 2003 so it's like 3.30 in the morning, and i'm not really that tired cos i slept all day. russell came over at like 10.30 or something and left at around 1. we played gamecube and looked at porn. i love porn. am i the only girl in the world willing to openly say that? it's becoming increasingly more difficult for me to deal with not having a guy in my life. at this point, i'd even be happy with someone to just hug and kiss and talk to. i'd even be fine with not having sex with them, although i wouldn't mind getting laid. i miss having someone there to hold me. other than that, i'm actually really happy with my life right now. it's spring break, so i can stay home and play guitar and video games all day. i'm almost done with windwaker, which is exciting cos it's been such a fun game. i actually dreamt that i was in the game last night. ooo! i renamed my guitars cos i wasn't satisfied with the other names. my fender is peanut cos it looks like a peanut. my danelectro is sugar cos it looks like sugar, and my gibson les paul is honey cos it sounds like honey. i guess that's it for this entry. i'm going to go try to sleep now even though i'm not tired. nighty night! who is the man... 09:53 p.m. Tuesday, April 8, 2003 check out shaun's new blog. it's his life from his character's point of view. i'm almost done designing it. his old blog shall remain in my links section for now. will we burn in heaven like we do down here? 10:47 p.m. Monday, April 7, 2003 i woke up at 9.30 today, and mormon boyfriend came over at 10 to pick me up. we met at erin's house. then, it was off to laguna beach. it was really nice just relazing out in the sand. i couldn't find myself a bathing suit, so i just wore a small shirt with some boxers. i ended up in my panties and my shirt practically off. i got a good tan/burn that will eventually become a tan. after that, we got home and went to watch the devores play at the equator. it was very entertaining. mormon boyfriend and i have decided to start a band called not devore. ha! it's going to be with him, me, devon, and kathryn. anyway, since it is monday, we went to higleys to say "hi" to seth. that was my night. meh! i'm tired. buh bye! meep! 10:44 p.m. Sunday, April 6, 2003 god dammit...i've done it again...i need to stop fucking with layouts and stuff...zb back later... so much to say... 02:54 p.m. Sunday, April 6, 2003 wow. this was absolutely the best tour i've been on ever. our group is so close, and it's amazing that i love each and every one of them and know that they care about me too. k...i'll do this entry by days... wednesday the bus left at aroung 3.30, and we watched mission impossible 2 and tomb raider. i only watched tomb raider because i love angelina, but i couldn't put myself through mi2. i listened to the doobie brothers and david bowie the whole way up. i had dinner at toca bell with ling and marc, and then we met up with craig, joey, ryan, ben, and blake at jack in the box. i can't remember really, but i think i went to bed early that night. i was rooming with pascale, sara, and bonnie. the beds were so small that i slept on the floor though. thursday we did an exchange with the san ramone valley high school women's ensemble and men's ensemble. after that, it was off to san francisco state to work with josh haberman, who is so amazingly good looking...oh my god! i thought that both clinics went really well, but i'm still a little disappointed with our lack of focus at each of them. once we got back, we had a little free time, so i went with christine, ryan, kathryn, mormon boyfriend, devon, nanor, and brian to get dinner at joe's crab shack. it was really good, and then we wandered around the wharf for a bit. we even got to see some irish guy on an 8 foot tall unicycle juggling torches whilst cussing the whole time. it was quite the entertaining spectacle. then, it was back to the hotel for massages. melissa needed money, so bunny, nanor, melissa, yasmine, and i decided to go and sing on the street. that didn't work so well seeing as we couldn't stop laughing at ourselves the whole time. after a while, yasmine started rapping, and it was so hilarious. people were actually running away from her. they were crossing the street and staring at her with these frightened looks. eventually, we got bored and came back, and i went to "the mormon room", where everyone was playing guitars and such until the hotel people yelled at us for being too loud. i don't blame them either. we were really loud. craig flashed me about ten times already. he won't let go of my incident last year. god damn him! friday pascale, sara, and i went out to breakfast this morning. it was really good, and then we left to perform at the heritage festival. it was so amazing. we performed the best we'd ever done before. i was so proud of us. then, we checked in to our new hotel, where we met a bunch of choir boys from brentwood high school. damn, they have hot guys there (i'll show you guys pics when i get them developed). we went to the nearest mall and hung out there to get dinner and wander for a little while. i was incredibly disappointed with jenn anderson and nanor though. they decided it was ok to steal some things, even after i told them not to. i even kind of wanted them to get caught to teach them a lesson, but now i'm just angry that they would do something so awful. i went to bed early that night cos i was tired. performances always tire me out. saturday on the bus ride over to great america, jenn decided to tell everyone that pascale had hooked up with some guy the night before, which was a complete lie. needless, to say, everyone gave pascale a lot of shit for it, which really sucks. great america was kind of fun. there wasn't really much to do. we went on four or five roller coasters before going back to the hotel. we had to be back at the park by 6, so we left at 5. the dinner that the park provided us for the awards ceremony was pretty bad, so i didn't really eat that much. the awards were finally handed out after a long time of waiting. we got first place! yay! plus, we got gold, an invitation to new york, and the adjudicators award. it was so awesome. after the awards, we all danced, even mrs. rios was shaking her booty around. it was so much fun. our whole choir danced together, and it was such a great bonding experience. once we got back to the hotel, pascale, sara, and i went up to the brentwood boys' rooms and had a toga party. it was fun, but then i got tired. i left around 2 and went to bed. sunday we had to leave at 7, so none of us were quite awake. nothing much happened. we slept, watched spiderman, and slept some more. that was tour. i actually have a lot more to write about other matters, but that'll have to wait. i'm off to the beach tomorrow with my buddies! mormon boyfriend's gonna bring his guitar too. buh bye! oh babe i hate to go... 06:35 p.m. Tuesday, April 1, 2003 argh...i have a headache again. yay! i'm leaving for tour tomorrow, so no more updates for a while. i'll be back on sunday, and monday it's off to the beach and my mormon boyfriend's show at the equator. if you really need something to read, you can reread my past entries and pretend that they're new. see you later! the trick is to keep breathing... 08:26 p.m. Monday, March 31, 2003 i don't know how to feel right now. everything is just so confusing. there's too much teenage drama, and it's leading to a point where i just really don't want to take it anymore. i hate that i take everyone else's problems and put them on myself. i got rejected from nyu today, which i was expecting. i'm going to be going to uop though, so i'm really excited about that. they have an awesome music center there. plus, it's a good distance away from my parents. i just feel so dumb when everyone else brags about getting into all these great schools. they're all talking about prestige, and it makes me feel like they're looking down on me. i mean, i chose my colleges based on where i really wanted to go and what was best for me, but i feel like everyone else chose them based solely on prestige to show off to each other. then, there's the whole nicole and ryan thing. i love nicole, and it hurts me so much to see her sad. it really reminds me of when ricky and i broke up simply because of the way he's handling it. it's so hard on her, and it's really causing stress on our whole group. i hate seeing all my friends so uptight and in pain, especially when i don't know what to do about it. i want to sit down and talk to each of them to let them know that i'm there for them. for the first time in a long time, i'm also questioning so many of the events in my past. for the first time, i'm feeling ready to open up and talk about them. i just really need to find the right person to talk with. whenever i'm with others, i feel like i can't talk because i'm so busy listening to them. i'm also afraid that nobody will understand. i hate this! then, there are people who complain about how awful their lives are, when they honestly don't realize how amazing their lives are. i'm so incredibly happy and lucky that i've been so fortunate as to grow up in a safe, secure environment with petty hardships compared to others, yet my life has been a shit hole compared to theirs...and i'm the one saying that life is good. how does that work out? fuck this...i'm going to go eat. buh bye. it took a cup of coffee... 11:59 p.m. Saturday, March 29, 2003 so often, we fall in love with the wrong person and we have to ask ourselves if staying with them is worth it. it's so hard when you become attached to someone and love them, but they just don't love you back. i had a lot that i wanted to say tonight to help nicole, but it was really hard getting anything in. we had a girls night tonight. it was really nice. annelise and i went out early to get food. we made cheesecake and brownies. nicole brought ice cream, and emma and diana made this awesome looking pie. while we were waiting for diana and emma, nicole and annelise went to pick out a video. we watched velvet goldmine, complete with ewan mcgregor's ass and dick. hot damn! he was even wearing eye liner and nail varnish. i could have fucked him right there. anyway, we talked, and the night was really nice. i actually got invited to hang out with nick at csun tonight and scott at the globe, but it was nice being able to hang out with my bestest girl friends. we really don't sit around and talk enough. it's going to be tough when we all are in different parts of the world. soundtrack: garbage the queerest of the queer... 12:28 a.m. Saturday, March 29, 2003 what can i say? today was quite the eventful day (a day of power rangers and queers on earth). school sucked, but that's to be expected. i wore my newest garbage shirt, which i decided i don't like very much because it makes my boobs look really funny. after school, nicole and i went to target to find jenn and monica birthday presents, but target's entertainment selection sucks arse. honestly, i love target, but they didn't have any garbage cds or the video nicole wanted. we went to tower and blockbuster after that, so that was fine. then it was off to jenn's party, which was really fun cos i love hanging out with her. we got to meet some of her church friends too, so all in all, i had a good time. emma and i called up andrew after the party and hung out with him until chris, matt, kyle, and ortiz showed up. we went to the park and hung out whilst they fenced each other. there were these two guys there trying to get us to drink. good times. today was a good day, but it wasn't at the same time. i need to feel sexier. methinks it will help when i wear a shirt that makes my boobs look like they are the same size. ha! oh my god! windwaker is so awesome when you get the three pearls. shit! that's wha i'm playing right now, whilst drinking my mountain dew. yummy! i don't know...i'm feeling weird right now. i've been that way all day. in foods, daniel and i covered the kitchen with plastic for people to paint it tomorrow at the servathon, and i was dancing around the whole time and talking to myself. i think i've gone mad. eep! well, i'm off to further my fun in windwaker. nighty night! soundtrack: beautifulgarbage ps...i feel shitty for some reason...methinks i need to get laid! i can play the guitar like a... 04:46 p.m. Thursday, March 27, 2003 today was actually quite pleasant considering my really bad mood last night. nothing too exciting happened. i just got back from my guitar lesson, and kevin is in love with my guitar. ha! he's so jealous. yesterday, r.b. told us that he had been working for like 29 years. it's so weird hearing that because my dad had worked at ups for over 33 years, yet he doesn't look at all that old. ooo! we saw mr. beemer today! nicole, erin, and i went to lce to take nicole's little brother some doughnuts. it was so awesome just waving to him cos it reminded me of choir in fifth and sixth grade. he made choir so much fun when we were little. he was actually one of the most encouraging people too. anyway, i'm tired...it's time for a nap with lucifer. buh bye! don't trip my wire...i'm a bitch babe and i'm on fire... 07:21 p.m. Wednesday, March 26, 2003 i don't know what's wrong with me, but i've just been so easily angered lately. the smallest things will set me off into the awful mood for the whole day. i don't know if people are being especially annoying lately, but i'm thinking it's just something wrong with me. i think it also could be everyone else's hatred that they talk with me about kind of boils into my mind and pops. then, i start getting angry for them, and i end up going crazy. i honestly need to relax. it's senior year, and i get to go off to college. i need to be enjoying my friends and stuff, but i'm just not having any fun anymore. i'm such a bad person for being so easily irritated by people, but i can't seem to help it at the moment. argh! plus, my headaches have been getting worse. i think i'm going to see my neurologist soon though. hopefully, she'll have the results from my last scanny thing to see if my brain thing has grown or not. i'm just tired of going to the hospital all the time. i'm tired of my body being fucked up. i'm tired of not knowing that maybe i'll never meet my parents. i'm tired of always preparing for the next surgery. i'm tired of never knowing if being sexually abused has effected me. i'm tired of people giving me so much shit all the time. i don't want to have to deal with this god damn shit anymore! sorry...i'm in a bad mood. i shouldn't be writing in this right now...later. now all i wanna do is sleep... 09:54 p.m. Tuesday, March 25, 2003 i'm so tired right now! aaah! school was fun. it was the day of silence, so i decided to participate. i had never done it before cos i'm not the kind of person to be quiet, but it was actually a very interesting experience. i kept quiet in the beginning of the day, and it really allowed me to think about things that were going on in the world. anyway, andrew and i went to pick up my copy of windwaker, so we went over to his house and played that til like 7. ha! we had dinner, and then i came home. i had a huge headache, but it seems to have left me. thank god! i think that i am going to go to sleep now cos i'm just dead. i can't even stay up to play more video games or watch more tv. how pathetic. eep! night! soundtrack: curve monday monday... 10:31 p.m. Monday, March 24, 2003 meep...first off, i got a new poem up and the friday five for last week is finally up too. anyway, today was one of those slow days. i could have sworn that it was never going to end. choir seemed to be especially hell-ish today. it was another one of those days when it seems like nobody cares about improving as a choir. it really angers me. i love singing, and considering it's an elective that people not only chose to be in, but tried out to be in as well, one would think that they would care a little more. honestly, i think that they should go take another class that doesn't depend so much on team work if they just want to fool around all day. there are some of us who honestly care about the music and want to work. that was my school day. it's monday, so i went to higleys. when i got there, i saw my mormon boyfriend! yay! devon and him are going to be playing a gig there sometime, so i can't wait. emily, my stalker, was there too. i love her. ha! eventually, emma came and we came up with a list of saturday night live commercial parodies. ooo! i saw jo too! it was exciting cos i haven't seen her in forever. so that was my night. meh! i'm tired. take the good with the bad... 04:33 p.m. Sunday, March 23, 2003 bad things...parents come home tonight, my head feels like it's about to pop off, i'm cold yet sweating, tomorrow is school, i have to miss dinner at andrew's house cos i feel like shit, i'm nauseous, ollie smells so bad good things...i feel beautiful, the people in the porn industry are so nice, i love my dogs, lucifer comes home today, tera patrick was on howard stern last night, i had a relatively good weekend reunited and it feels so good... 11:54 p.m. Saturday, March 22, 2003 so i slept most of today. last night, after everyone else was asleep, i watched batman episodes, the ones with adam west, cos that used to be my favourite show as a child. it's so corny that i can't help but love it. this morning i took a nap that lasted til about 5ish. then, i went online and made plans with russell and emma. brian came over to walk ollie, and russell came over to play my guitar. i took a shower while they did their business, and then emma came over a little later. russell, emma, and i went to old town, where we wandered for a bit and ate at johnny rockets. after that, we decided to come back to my house to watch momento. i'm so in love with guy pierce, so i couldn't really argue. my sister came home from some church thing today. meh! i feel dead right now. nighty night! ps. i wasn't going to mention this, but i read my last entry to find that i had a run in with a homeless guy. well, i did in pasadena too. this time it was more pleasant cos he told me that i was gorgeous or whatever, but maybe i'm only attractive to homeless guys...cos they're the only ones that will come up and talk to me. creepy thought! we should be lovers... 03:04 a.m. Saturday, March 22, 2003 school was really getting on my nerves today. methinks i need to take a vacation from some people because their constant being in my face makes me want to snap, but i don't want to be mean...so i end up just keeping it to myself. ah! after school was nice though cos i got to sleep. then, a bunch of us went to rocky cola before we went to see moulin rouge at midnight. it was so much fun. since it's new to the whole audience participation thing, a guy dressed up as satine passed out a couple bags to audience members. i got one cos he said i was cute. hahaha! it was quite an enjoyable experience. as we were heading back to the car, this homeless man was asking people for cigarettes. then, he stared at me for a couple seconds before asking me if i was a princess (because of my crown). eep! now i'm here at my house. emma is cooking pasta, and diana is cooking frozen pretzels. nicole and them are sleeping over since it's like 3 now. okey dokey! off to bed for me. nighty night! andrew comes tomorrow! yippee! soundtrack: moulin rouge  now imagine it with fishnets and my cute black shoes! ps...everytime i play zelda now, i'm going to start laughing cos of the new pa...hahaha it's a little bit funny...this feeling inside... 07:03 p.m. Thursday, March 20, 2003 it's so nice to be able to do whatever you want at home. my parents have finally left, and i'm having so much fun. they left ollie with me cos he's more intimidating than lucifer at first sight. i can't wait to see moulin rouge tomorrow night with my girls! i'm going to wear my new dress. i got fishnets and a tiara to go with it too. i'm gonna look hot! hahaha! maybe i'll even wear make up. how strange would that be? in foods, we made chow mein, which turned out pretty good. the meat was definitely my favourite part. we finished speed in sociology, and then i continued to become increasingly angered by harv. i really just cannot stand him. i'm weird like that i guess. so that's about it. i'm tired. meep meep! nighty night! soundtrack: david bowie ps...just saw the new mac ad with shirley, and she looks amazing! i'll free your mind and your androgyny... 03:21 p.m. Wednesday, March 19, 2003 i can't wait until this weekend comes because apparently, my parents have decided to go to mammoth. plus, my sister is going on some church retreat. that means that i have the whole house all to myself. oh yeah! methinks they'll leave the dogs here, so i will have them to keep me company. that's fine with me cos i love my dogs so incredibly much. they follow me around the house...hehehe! apparently simon is analyzing one of my poems for an ap english project. how strange. he's also getting his tongue pierced, which i definitely want to see! hey man, if you want to do it, go fot it! i think that more guys should wear make up and skirts and black nail varnish. randomness, but yeah. soundtrack: garbage...beautifulgarbage some folks were born made to wave the flag... 10:15 p.m. Tuesday, March 18, 2003 it really angers me that we're going to war. it just makes me sad that it's come to this. bush really confuses me in his ways of thinking, and i just hope that everything turns out alright. i don't like the idea of all those people dying. *sigh* in other news, i stayed home today and contemplated things. it's sad but life is just not seeming as great as it used to be. i've canceled all my shoots til later on because i've decided to start after i graduate. it was a really hard decision, especially considering i've been waiting so long for this. i just don't want to have to deal with people talking shit right now. anyway, i went to the hospital too. that was boring, as usual. that was my exciting day. clay looked gorgeous today though, and he sang beautifully. ooo! i've got names...my fender is bowie, my danelectro is shirley, and my new gibson is daniel. nighty night! my tears will burn the pillow... 11:02 p.m. Monday, March 17, 2003 i'm at this horrible point in my life right now where i'm really starting to question the stability of my friendships. i can't trust so many of these people who i've been with for years, and it really makes me sad. i feel like i might not even want to bother trying to work on these relationships anymore. i mean, i've given some people more than enough chances to redeem themselves, and i've forgiven people way more than maybe i should have. i love my friends so much, but when their betrayals get to a point where they're constant, it makes it hard to want to be friends anymore. i might just be feeling this way because my chemicals are all screwy right now, but i'm just really tired of taking so much shit from people. i feel like they take advantage of the fact that i forgive others pretty quickly and easily. sometimes i want to be there for them, but it fets really hard when you realize that they really mustn't give a crap about you considering the way they've treated you, not only in the past but recently too. i am staying home from school tomorrow and sorting all these god damn thoughts out! good night! ps...i don't know why i signed my last entry. methinks i lost some part of my mind. hmm... it's my party and i'll cry if i want to... 03:41 p.m. Monday, March 17, 2003 shit! i don't know why, but i'm so depressed. actually, i do know why. i haven't taken my prozac in about a week. i should be incredibly happy right now, but i'm not. i have my beautiful new guitar, which plays so amazingly well. plus, i got into the university of the pacific today with a 6,500 dollar scholarship tied into that if i go there (i don't know why they gave me money...cos i didn't ask for any). it's one of the schools that i actually want to go to. yet, i'm still feeling incredibly low. i guess i just heard some stuff today that really got to me too. i can't believe that some people are just so awful, especially to their own friends. it's ridiculous how some of us keep on trying to have hope in someone for their benefit, when they don't even give a shit. they just continue to do things that just hurt us. it's so hard to deal with sometimes. so i broke down in foods today. meh. choir was better though cos darin made me this birthday card. he's the best mormon boyfriend ever! hehehe! it's absolutely hilarious...complete with drawings by him and everything. i definitely think i'll feel better tomorrow cos my dad just went to get my medicine. i can be so dumb sometimes. anyway, i didn't really mention the gifts i got for my birthday other than the guitar. i also got two more gamecube controllers, an awesome dress similar to the one ms. manson is wearing in the picture on the top of this page, a gimly action figure, sex toys, and bunches of money. i'm in one of those confused states right now, so i'll be going. it's a higleys night with seth, emma, and scott d, and i want to get there early so i can be by myself for a little while. buh bye! -kimi and i am a material girl... 06:50 p.m. Sunday, March 16, 2003 shit. i'm living the lacanada life today. i got my birthday present, a new guitar. it's a gibson les paul 1954 black beauty. i tried the strat that i wanted, but it just didn't compare. besides, the black beauty has been my dream guitar! plus, i got a new laptop for when i go away to college. i'm so fucking spoiled! eep! anyway, then i went to brian's birthday dinner. it was so much fun. now i'm supposed to be doing homework. by the way, i got a job offer already. how amazing is that? the guy i talked to seemed nice, so methinks i might do it. that's really all i have to say now. i want to go play my new guitar. i'm so in love with it. i have to think of a name for it, so i'll be doing that too. love you! soundtrack: curve today is my birthday and i get one every year... 10:58 p.m. Saturday, March 15, 2003 wow...it's my birthday, and i'm 18. i've been waiting for this for so long cos now i get to start working. it's so weird. in the morning, i visited my grandma for her birthday. she lives at this asian nursing home, and they were celebrating all the march birthdays, hers being march 23rd. it was so funny. i had to hold myself from laughing at all the funny old asian people. hahaha! anywho...after that i had my birthday dinner at green street restaurant. it was good. guest list...nicole, ryan, john, erin, jason, richard, sarah, jenny, ajay, diana, shaun, anne, emma, and annelise. then most of us came back to my house to open presents and eat cake. i actually had a lot of fun. i only cried for a short while, which is really good since i always cry on my birthday. the real shocker of the night was when i was online (because of my headache, i wasn't watching the movie with everyone else...it was too loud), and ricky imed me. i invited him over, and things were cool between us and everyone. i actually was really nervous about him coming over cos i thought we might try to kill each other, but it was really nice to finally reconcile kind of. it really made my night that much better. so, thank you all that wished me a happy birthday, etc. i love you guys so much, and i hope that everyone who came had a good time. soundtrack: garbage i do believe that i'll be buried six feet underground... 11:29 p.m. Friday, March 14, 2003 so it's like 30 minutes til i'm 18...oooooooo! scary thought. hahaha! diana made me this neato sock puppet named gump. he's sitting by me right now as i'm typing. felicia made me a cake cos she's awesome and can't come to my party tomorrow. she's off being asian at the key club convention. i remember when i was in key club freshman year. i had to quit because i felt out of place amongst all of the asian people. now you know that's just sad. after school, i played video games with my sister. i was actually playing zelda, but then she wanted something we both could play. so, i whipped out my mortal kombat cos i just wanted to see her get grossed out by all the blood (i'm so nice), and we ended up just doing some smash bros for the majority of the time. hmmm...the comedy sportz tonight was one of the best i've seen so far, so it was really exciting. we played loyola. damn! there were some hot guys there. meep! who came with us? hmmm...me, emma, nicole, ryan, jason, erin, shaun, sarah, elena, and brett. then we went to higleys. oh yeah...paul came with us too. eventually john came and we all just talked at higleys before leaving to die at our own homes. oo...whilst at higleys, we saw dustin and bonnie in the panda parking lot, so we went over to say "hi". geoff skinnell was there, and i had heard about his p.e.d.a. club. so, i got one of his cards. now i'm bored...i didn't want to go home so early! poo to that! i suppose i could go lose myself in the land of hyrule. buh bye! fix me now...i wish you would... 04:52 p.m. Thursday, March 13, 2003 i'm angry right now, but i'm not going to let that get to me whilst i'm writing here. today concert choir got to go see a performance by the san jose state university choraleers. they had an amazing tone and were very accurate with everything. their diction was quite impressive too, but i just didn't like the way they were conducted. it felt emotionless and stiff. they even did hark i hear the harps eternal, which we also sing. they sounded great doing it, but it felt so spiritless. plus, they did it too stacatto-y. guitar was absolutely great today! we jammed the whole time, which i thoroughly enjoyed. the only problem is that my confidence with making musical things up is quite low. it makes me really nervous too. ah well. i'll just have to get over that. in other news, i have a performance tonight, so i must go rest. i'm really excited that we're performing, but i think that if we had one more week, we'd be so much better. soundtrack: david bowie i wanna kill you...i wanna blow you...away... 08:06 p.m. Wednesday, March 12, 2003 hey...sorry shaun, but the show's on later, meaning i could have talked longer. anyway, i was so sick today. it was awful, especially in choir cos we had to stand and sing on the risers the whole period. i was ready to just throw up all over devin. luckily, i survived. i'm not too sure that i'm going to have a voice for tomorrow though. i'm just falling apart! eep! i got home from school and napped until 7.00ish. then, i did a little more exploring in master quest. it's a lot like the old ocarina of time, but all the little puzzles are different. i went into dodongos cavern and was horrified to find that the little laser eye thing wasn't there. ooo...and there's a preview for the windwaker that's different from the ones i've seen on tv. it looks absolutely awesome. i can't wait! i really just don't want to go to school tomorrow, but i know missing more wouldn't be such a good idea...especially because i'm 18 in like 3 days...meaning i'm probably going to be out of school a lot more in the future. teehee! ooo...we got backwards pictures today. they turned out pretty good. i have very few complaints, which is amazing cos i love to complain. i'm going to try to get them up on the site, but that all depends on my other computer's ability to get online. *sigh* k...off to cook some dinner. buh bye! soundtrack: silverchair...frogstomp i'll strip away your hard veneer and see what i can find... 07:14 p.m. Tuesday, March 11, 2003 hmmmm...what did i do today? i went to school, and many of the sick people had returned. yay! of course, now i'm sick, which sucks cos...it does. i was not myself today at all. i was tired, grumpy, and unenergetic. methinks it's this whole illness thing, but when i get sick, i don't usually get so sad. bleh! evil...that's all it is. concert choir is going to a concert for the san jose state choral people on thursday, so that should be fun cos mrs rios says that they're really good. i'm looking forward to it even though it means i miss third period, foods. speaking of food...i'm hungry. all i had today was that soy strawberry thing i bought at trader joes. kimi eating something healthy, you may ask. well, because i was feeling so sick, i felt like getting something that would actually be good for me. next time i reach for something so healthy, shoot me. i love my delicious greasiness that is bad food, and that soy thing was pretty awful. anyway, off to pillage the kitchen. soundtrack: the hippos sweet cherry make it awful... 08:27 p.m. Monday, March 10, 2003 grrrr...my throat is dying. i can't believe that this is happening this week, when we have a concert. i just got back from higleys. emma and i were "studying", meaning we were just socializing with the people there. seth was working today, and to our surprise, george was too. tom was there, but there was no andreas. damn. i'm having one of those ugly, depressed days. i really tried to have a sexy day today too, but i'm just feeling so awful about myself. i guess that means that i'm just going to have to go do something fun. somebody fuck me! anyway, shaun gave me my birthday present early today. it's the new legend of zelda game and the ocarina of time master quest for gamecube. yes! i love zelda! thanks shaun! it's so awesome. i got a poem in the literary arts magazine, which i guess is good even though i really don't respect it that much. iguess the other two poems i submitted were crap. bleh! ooo...and scott reminded me that i have a poetry page, so i added the one that got into the magazine to that page. check it out sometime. it's been just a bleh day. i'd say that i'm depressed because of an upcoming period, but it's not even near that time yet, so i don't know even if it does feel like pms. i just want to go huddle under my blankets and cry. i'm sure i'll feel better tomorrow. buh bye! soundtrack: cranes my life flows on in endless song... 05:08 p.m. Sunday, March 9, 2003 meep! i woke up this morning with a sore throat. darin picked me up at 2.30 and we went to school. when we got there, nobody was there. i called mrs. rios' cell phone, but i don't think it was on cos it only rang once before i got her answering machine thing. finally, people showed up. i was the only girl, and there were only six of us. we ended up having a fun time anyway. it was me, mark, darin, josh, matt, and christian. they kept mocking darin and i, saying we were boyfriend and girlfriend. honestly, i love darin to death, and i'd have the hugest crush on him if he wasn't mormon. sadly though, he is, and that makes me incredibly not his type. i'm happy just being his friend anyway. he's one of the nicest people i've ever met. the group was five guys called hudson shad. they were really great and entertaining. at one point, the shortest member dressed up like a tiger. hahaha! now i'm off to eat. i hope my throat gets better cos we have a concert this week, and saturday is my birthday! buh bye! i fell in love with people sleeping... 12:50 a.m. Sunday, March 9, 2003 fuck...my boob hurts. anyway, today we celebrated my sister's birthday at some japanese food restaurant. it was nice to see some family that we rarely see. we also got to talk about my new guitar cos my cousin's boyfriend works at sam ash. dammit i want my black beauty, but that ain't going to happen. i'm also starting to lean toward the idea of getting a bass, simply because they're damn sexy and fun to play. methinks i shall do some more recording tomorrow too. i should at least get some guitar stuff done, if not vocals also. i'm going to a concert tomorrow with some choir people too. nicole, annelise, and diana came over for a little while tonight, and that was nice since i was stuck with family all day. i'm tired now though, so i'll stop yammering about my boring day. nighty night! soundtrack: silverchair...frogstomp ps. i need some loving dammit! it's been too long since i've had sex! aaaah! and they're playing garbage on the radio... 07:21 p.m. Saturday, March 8, 2003 andrew: #1 crush because hearing about your crushes always seems to make me smile more than hearing anyone else's. i just don't know why. plus, the song is sexy, and so are you! nick: hammering in my head because it popped into my head when i thought about what to put for you. it also made me think music. annelise: special because you're special. hahaha! nicole: the trick is to keep breathing cos it's nicole, and the song reminds me of you. emma: trip my wire because last night, when those kids were being annoying, i wished you were there because you wouldn't be afraid to put them in their place and tell them to shut the fuck up. i was going to do ohwir or drive you home for the obvious reasons, but i figured you like this song better anyway. bridget: so like a rose because it's such a beautiful, thoughtful song, and i felt that it fit you in that way. danyell: supernatural because the song seriously makes you think, and i really have always enjoyed that about you too. may: sleep together because we do...hahaha! erin: cherry lips because it's a hyper, fun song like she is a hyper, fun person. shaun: the world is not enough because i know that when you take over the world, it's not going to be enough for you. elfie: supervixen because she is the garbage supervixen! susan: happiness because she's always so happy! felicia: stupid girl simply because you aren't stupid at all! hey...if you know garbage songs well enough, you can tell me which you want to represent you! you know what's awesome? kroq is having a rock in the 90's weekend, so i can finally listen to the radio again! i heard garbage this morning. it was like sex, only not. anyway, much fun much fun! buh bye! let the motherfucker burn... 11:30 p.m. Friday, March 7, 2003 meep! today i saw comedy of errors presented by the lchs advanced drama class with nicole, richard, and annelise. twas quite entertaining the way that they did it. the problem was that i missed half of the show because we were surrounded by these little seventh graders who were talking the whole fucking time! some of them were even on their cell phones and singing. we were seriously going to shoot them. anyway, after that, we went to higleys, and i could have sworn that i saw scott and beau. so, when i got home, who do i see online but scott. i asked him if they had performed there, and sure enough, that was them. they're all in town recording something. my head hurts like a bitch, as much as a bitch can hurt. oo...this new layout is in progress...it feels cleaner to me, so i'm using it. but, i am making it slightly less boring too...changing the banner at the top, etc. nighty night! no soundtrack today...i don't feel like it... i am a vampire...i'm waiting for my moment... 06:26 p.m. Thursday, March 6, 2003 this is for andrew...all others can disregard this and see todays entry below this one...we visit faith in jail, where a big woman with a mullet attacks her. well, faith beats the crap out of her and that's the end of that. meanwhile, angelus is wandering around being a bad (actor) ass, and cordelia is secretly evil. wesley visits faith in jail to help because she's the only one he trusts to get angelus back so that they can restore his soul to make him angel again. hearing this, faith breaks out of prison with wesley and they take off to find angelus. he sets up a welcome banner for faith, and she knows that he's in the area. instead of directly fighting faith, angelus makes her fight the beast, a big demon thing under the power of cordelia. he basically beats the crap out of her until angelus kills the thing with a special knife. then they "talk fight" with each other. meanwhile, cordelia is telling connor, angel and darla's (drusilla was just wishful thinking on my part) son, that she's pregnant with his child. dun dun dun... sitting on a ball in the middle of the andes... 05:53 p.m. Thursday, March 6, 2003 i'm evil! i made nicole a blog. muhahaha! anyway, we made wontons and egg rolls in foods today. i love fried food so much. we worked really well together today too. it was nice. guitar was fun today too cos kevin was acting like yoda. hahaha! it's so weird cos i've been taking lessons for so long, but i enjoy it so much more now than i ever did before. there's nobody at school nowadays. everyone is either sick or ditching. it's really quite pathetic when a class has only half the students there. meh! i'm so tired. methinks tis time for a little nap...or food. mmm...food! soundtrack: silverchair freak show he don't know half of the hurt he left behind... 06:53 p.m. Wednesday, March 5, 2003 how can people not love clay? hot damn! just put him in a kilt and paint his nails black...shit! mmmm...delicious! he looks like a young david bowie. anyway, today was fun because i basically did nothing at school. choir was great. i love it when we all actually concentrate. we have a concert next week though, and it's going to be pretty close. i saw my psychologist today for my "every six weeks" visit, and she said, "you're only afraid to be alone because you're afraid of who you'll meet." eep! i'm not afraid to be alone, but i thought it was an interesting way of saying things. i did think that i was getting better and didn't need to go to therapy anymore. i had originally been going because the school counsler made me after my sister told her about my psychological problems. i thought i had gotten out of this whole depression bit and really gotten all i could get out of the experience. now, i'm starting to think otherwise though. "They became unpleasant, minor incidents, having little to do with her. It would be years before she would realize these incidents were lodged in her heart like gristle, ready to pop up into her throat at any sudden slap on the back..." that's from two girls..., and it really describes all the underlying pains that seem to attack me when i start spiraling into depression again. hopefully i can get those issues cleared up and i suppose i should take full advantage of the fact that i have someone to talk to about it. i just really don't feel like talking to her a lot of the time though. i'd rather listen to her talk about her life and stuff. meh! my eyes feel like they're going to fall out, and i suppose that's not such a good thing. i suppose that is all for right now. i'm getting tired, and guitar has kind of taken over me. soundtrack: curve ps. i love that gabe's samurai outfit has pacman on the back! pps. "i mock you with my monkey pants." -oz It's gonna be May...number 2 03:53 p.m. Wednesday, March 5, 2003  Just thought I'd advertise! Join the Maysian Fanclub! :) she'll get hot for you... 03:31 p.m. Wednesday, March 5, 2003 ok...messed up the html on the page for a little while there, and it turns out my archived page is all fucked up now too. meh!
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