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yo le canto todo el dia
Friday, January 17, 2003 ok...last one before i archive...i promise. anyway...today was so much fun. emma and i had to drop off one of her videos, so we happened to pass by higleys. it looked so lonely, so we just had to visit. then, as we were talking, best buy somehow came up, so we decided to take a trip there because we both had gift certificates. i got a garbage tribute album and another pretenders cd cos i just love chrissy hynde's voice so much. emma got a dave matthews tribute cd, and it was really good. i enjoyed it more than i like dave matthews, which is not saying much...but hey! anyway, andrew came over to pick me up, but annelise was late. felicia was with her, and so we all went to crocodile cafe together. we met nicole, ryan, jason, erin, and john there. then, we left to see comedy sportz. it was entertaining, although the team i wanted to win in the second round didn't. after, richard, annelise, john, ryan, nicole, and anne came over to my house to hang out. twas much fun. my throat is not getting any better, in fact, it's getting worse. i'm sure the volume at which i usually speak doesn't help too. ha! god i'm tired! good night! soundtrack...curve...once again
You can filter your poison into my sleep...
Thursday, January 16, 2003 bleh. feeling ugly. no guitar lesson today. made manicotti. added poetry to fanfiction. need sleep. going to go eat cheesecake now. soundtrack...doppleganger...curve!
breathing underwater, and living under glass...
Wednesday, January 15, 2003 bleh...that's what my life has been about for the past couple of days. nothing much has happened. i've been playing mortal kombat a lot since i just got it, and i really like it. anyway, it's one of those weeks where everything just starts to slow down and become all dreamlike. i feel so tired and so depressed right now, for no apparent reason. it's not even like i'm on my period anytime soon. i really wanted to go hang out with people today just cos i'm feeling a little lonely at the moment, but that's ok. i will survive! it's so tough without a microwave. i use it for everything, and now, going for over a week without it, i'm dying! argh! methinks i'll go to sleep early tonight. well, i'm off to make dinner...nighty night! soundtrack...bicycle race...queen!
leading me to my silent ruin...
Monday, January 13, 2003 i know i already wrote an entry today, but i decided to write another one more fully explaining my part of the poem that i wrote for andrew. i know that i will come off as insane for writing this, but it's what i went through when i was younger. you really don't have to read any further if you don't want to. when i was younger, i used to think that the devil would come talk to me when i got depressed, and he told me that i was his daughter, sent to cause pain to all those around me regardless of how much i tried to be a good person. it really screwed me up. i think it sprang from when i found out that i was adopted. i didn't know where i came from, so i started overanalyzing it, and being the depressed person i was, i thought that i was seriously the spawn of satan. the scars on my face and body seemed to be further proof to me. i'd lie in bed crying while cutting myself and trying to kill myself so that i wouldn't make the people around me miserable anymore. it was a tough time in my life, yet feeling the presence of some force made me feel safe at the same time. i felt like, at least someone knew what i was going through, even if he was the devil, and it seemed as though he cared. i must have made him up to feel better about myself in some demented sort of way. it was a time when i felt really alone, but now i'm better. it just really screwed me up for a long time. anyway...that's what it's about kind of. i know that this is nothing like what andrew was talking about, but a lot of what he said reminded me of my experience with my devil. i realize how ridiculous this all sounds, but when you are that messed up, you become so vulnerable to anything. on a lighter note...i'll be archiving soon.
"Handcuffed in the present tense
Variations on your violence
Mind games and pretty girls
A cracked song in the universe
I think it's time that I showed you what I'm made of
I'm afraid there is so much to be afraid of
I kill the fire so I don't get burned
Kill the fire and you won't get burned" -garbage
i don't wanna be lonely...i just wanna be alone
Monday, January 13, 2003 oh my god. my last entry just got deleted. it was a long one too. anyway...i said that i had gone to higleys again today. if it seems that i go to higelys a lot, i do. i find it a nice, comfortable place to be, away from all parents and stress. i can just relax and feel totally at home. plus, i've met so many awesome people there, being seth, ryan, melissa, sarah, george, natalie, and tom. also, i used to go there to talk with my mum when i was younger, which is, for those of you who know me, a big thing because i am not at all close to her. ( take my higley's quiz! ) anyway...emma and i went to higleys and started to talk to these armenian guys whilst seth was working. first, they tried to convince us to change our views to believing in god. then, after a long discussion, they thought that we would actually go to a barbeque with them, us being 17 years old and them being in their twenties. can you just see my eyes rolling? all in all though, today was ok. soundtrack...silverchair...frogstomp...
Beautiful woman, you must've had your moments inside the sun
Sunday, January 12, 2003 i am feeling so damn beautiful and sexy today, even though i'm here wearing my ugly pants, loose ziggy shirt, and my converse. i reviewed poetry for the majority of the day. i actually found some pretty decent authors and as usual...some incredibly awful ones. i had pastrami for lunch and went to higleys with andrew and annelise. it was fun cos there was this doll in the couch, and i dismembered it. then, feeling sorry for it, andrew put it in a cup full of ice. annelise went back to my house and we played gamecube for a while...mario party 4. i'm getting mortal kombat sometime next week, so that should be fun. after dinner, i went back to higleys with emma to hang out. my doll in the cup was still there. we went over to her house til 9 and watched tv. it was a nice "chill" day. i've been so addicted to fanfiction lately...like more than usual. i was up til 4 last night reviewing poetry. the good thing about that is that i get more reviews for mine as well. i'm really just looking to have a deep conversation with someone sometime soon cos i haven't had one in a long time, and it's sad cos when i want one, they usually don't come along. i'm at a time in my life right now where i don't have many problems, and it'd be nice to make myself available to others for venting and sharing purposes. i suppose i should just be happy that people aren't having problems...at least they seem not to. i'm sure daniel will be seeking advice tomorrow...but that ain't no deep conversation there. ha! argh...tomorrow i get the pleasure of seeing my neurologist. at least my visits there are short. she's the fastest of all my doctors, and that's damn good considering all the doctors that i have to see. ooo...plus i get to go have surgery again sometime because they lied last time when they said i wouldn't have to have surgery anymore. in the words of david spade..."buh bye!" soundtrack...hendrix...foxy lady!
i can take you out with just a flick of my wrist...
Sunday, January 12, 2003 so today (now yesterday) was so nice. i woke up late and ate kraft mac and cheese from the box (i had the blues...ha!). then, nicole called and wanted to go to magic wok and hang out since monte carlo was tonight, and none of us wanted to pay 20 bucks for a half ass dance (ajay!!!). may didn't know how to get there, so she came over and annelise picked us up. i invited richard, cos although my crush has been fading, he's still cute and fun. so, the four of us drove down to the americanized chinese food restaurant and met nicole, ryan, felicia, and sarah there. It was fun cos may and i kept mocking the asian waiters. after that, we went to nicole's house and met up with emma and diana. diana had a present for me...a cute (and slightly scary) sock monkey and candy. thank you, baby!! we watched some awful chick flick and played pictionary. i was on a team with richard, and we just sucked. he's too much of a good artist, where it took him ten minutes to complete a picture. of course, they looked good when he was done. it was really fun just hanging out. andrew said he called me, but apparently my phone was screwed up...methinks i had no reception when he called. when i got home, i read a bit, and simon called at freaking one o'clock and expected me to be coherent and entertain him. ha! yeah right! you should have called earlier. so...now i'm just sitting here typing and emailing richard. all in all, twas a good day. nighty night! soundtrack...poe...hello
For my McKenzie...
Saturday, January 11, 2003 so i'm writing this for andrew...don't know how it will turn out. it's a mixture of what he says in his blog and the way i relate to it, not necessarily anything alike.
He's still there, I can feel him
Sitting and waiting for my decline once more
A decent into my total insanity
Downward I'll fall into the world where all is marked by night
The demons will come out to talk to me
Here, he'll feel at home
This is where he'll come out and shake my hand
Telling me that everything won’t be alright
He’ll command me and I will follow
We will sit, waiting for the gloom to deepen
Then he’ll take action
Controlling me completely
Whispering illogical words into my ears
I’ll mistake them for truth because he will be my only friend
He will be the only one there during my madness
Telling me I’m not who I think
Notifying me that I am really a ghost
A poltergeist meant to bring sorrow to all those who surround me
I’m nothing that the world wants here
And slowly, those words will trickle into my mind
Leading me to my silent ruin
Leaving me alone
A Broken Angel
Friday, January 10, 2003
A broken angel sits on her throne repairing her crepe paper wings
Perfectly formed droplets fall from her eyes to the floor
Her halo slightly tilted and her hair tossed about
Brown blonde strands stick out everywhere
She emerges from her room, wingless and shamed
No longer can she be an angel for she has been shattered
Tortured by the world and violently shoved into the shadows
No more can she be of any significance to others
Thrust out into the rain her wings were torn once more
And nothing could save her as her light began to flicker into darkness
inspired by monica and her broken angel cookie...so this was written on the last day of school before vacation...
things don't have to be this way...catch me on a better day...
Thursday, January 9, 2003 i must say that i have the greatest friends ever. i stayed home stayed home sick today with a sore throat, stuffy nose, and headache, so nicole and ryan came over at lunch to bring me some spaghetti that they made in foods class today. that's so sweet of them. thank you so much, erin, nicole, ryan, and daniel! that really made my day so much better. plus, the food was good. i also went to the optometrist, dr. chahine, today so i could get my new contacts. it's amazing...i can see again! so anyway, i'm feeling much better now, but i'm so god damn horny! it's annoying as hell. i haven't had sex in like four months. methinks i shall explode at any moment! argh! oh well...soundtrack...in the crowd...the jam
it seemed the taste was not so sweet...
Tuesday, January 7, 2003 so i wasn't going to write an actual entry today cos i've been writing them a lot lately, but i felt like writing anyway. today i went to higleys by myself to study. melissa and sarah were there, so that was fun. i also got all of my work done, for once. it was amazing. methinks i'll do that more often. it'll probably help me concentrate cos it keeps me away from such distractions as the computer and the television. so i'm watching buffy now, and it's strange how the eye thing reminds me of proginoskes from a wind in the door, the sequel to a wrinkle in time. i mean, he looks just like him...i swear...but without the wings. i loved reading those books. i've been so tired lately though probably cos i haven't had my anti-depressants for a week cos the pharmacy is slow. i had this great dream last night though. it was a dream where ricky and i were good friends again and there was no tension between us. it was so nice, but of course, it was only a dream. ooo...speaking of buffy (well i was earlier)...emma caulfield is in that new movie, but it looks almost exactly like the ring. it has the whole light tower thing and the strange little kid drawing weird pictures. wow...this entry turned out to be pretty long...going...bye! soundtrack...eight line poem by david bowie
guaranteed to blow your mind...anytime...
Monday, January 6, 2003 short entry today...it was a good shoe kind of day, mainly on ms manuel and jordan. i wore my doc martin boots. going back to school sucked, and it was incredibly windy...ooo...i forgot to close the flew (whatever it's called and however it's spelled) so whilst i was sleeping last night in the living room, the wind blew so hard that all this ash came into the room all over! it would have been hilarious had it not been completely sad. ok...it was still hilarious. hahaha! ok...that's all for now...soundtrack...killer queen..."she's out to get you"
and their words say nothing...
Sunday, January 5, 2003 so i'm sitting here talking with ajay about people who are just a waste of time to talk to. seriously, some people have nothing to offer when you talk to them. i'm sure i seem that way to some people, but i have had more interesting conversations with myself than this person in particular. it makes me nauseous just thinking about having to converse with them when they have nothing new to bring to the conversation. i love talking with people who speak their mind rather than what you want them to hear. some people only give you back your own ideas. even if i don't agree with people, it's still more interesting than hearing my own thoughts repeated to me. it confuses me as to how people can seemingly have nothing in their heads, yet still be able to function in normal life. honestly now! anyway...back to school tomorrow...bleh! soundtrack...fashion..."we are the goon squad and we're coming to town...beep beep"
Better sit back and go with the flow...
Friday, January 3, 2003 So last night I was up thinking that it is finally 2003, the year that we seniors have been waiting for since what seems like forever. It’s amazing to me because now that it’s here, it brings up so much stress that I hadn’t thought about when I was looking forward to this time. What if I don’t make it into any of my good colleges and am forced to go to a safety school? What if I’m unable to make friends in college? What if I can’t keep in touch with the friends I’ve had for years? What if we all leave on a bad note? Graduating means so much that I hadn’t thought about before. As much as I’m stressing out, I’m also really excited to meet new people and experience life. It’ll be so nice to get out of this soap opera that is La Canada because as great as it is to have friends that I’ve been friends with since forever, it’s hard to overcome the past mistakes that we’ve all made due to our youth. We’re finally more aware of the fact that our actions lead to consequences, and we have really begun to think more. We’ve matured so much, and college will allow us to mature even further. It’s the opportunity to start over and not have to worry about the biased opinions that we all have of each other now that sprung from events that took place at a time where we were all so different. At the same time, I hope to keep in touch with most of my friends, mainly Erin, Nicole, Russell, Emma, Diana, Ryan, Sarah, Bryce, Annelise, and Ajay. They have all taught me so much about myself, life, and having fun. They’ve all helped me in some way and I love them all so much. It’s going to be hard not being able to see them everyday after we’ve been together for so long, yet methinks it will all be that much better when we come back next winter break. "Sometimes I get to feelin'
I was back in the old days-long ago when we were kids when we were young. Things seemed so perfect-you know the days were endless we were crazy we were young. The sun was always shinin'-we just lived for fun. Sometimes it seems like lately-I just don't know. The rest of my life's been just a show. Those were the days of our lives. The bad things in life were so few. Those days are all gone now but one thing is true. When I look and I find I still love you." -queen
put on your red shoes and dance the blues...
Wednesday, January 1, 2003 so last night was fun. russell picked me up at 7 to go get richard, and then we went to annelise's house. we played super smash bros most of the night. we also played this great game called apple to apple. it consisted of linking cards in some humorous way. it was great because the cards said random things like "cabbage", "rubber gloves", "israel", "meryl streep", "lenin's tomb", and "vw beetle". after we left, emma and diana came over to sleep, although they didn't really party with us. they went to abbie's house. emma and i couldn't sleep, so we stayed up laughing at bad poetry (not that i should be talking, eh?) and andrew (mckenzie) came and joined us for a bit. this morning sucked cos my mum yelled at me because she thought i had planned for emma and diana to come over without telling her, when in truth, i had no idea that they were sleeping over til late that night. hopefully, that will not set the tone for the rest of the year, but we'll see. good night! happy new year! soundtrack...cherry lips! ps...new background up...kinda busy...but hey...it's me!
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