disappointment has never been my favourite sorta feeling, and im sure its not anyone's favourite either. -shrugs.

anyhows, im feeling much better now :) no use crying (although i did cry, no wait, in fact i BAWLED my eyes out before mrs seet interrupted) over spilt milk right? plus im really thankful as it is, to have certain things in life already. my family & friends, who shower me with so much care & concern.

i really am overwhelmed by the way :) the countless (literally) smses i received from everyone, the calls & etc. mmmm really gotta thank nevil for being there for me. he was the first to call me after i switched on my hp. i was just crying nonstop, and though i could tell that he was shocked, he still tried his best to comfort & calm me down. even after we got off the phone, his stream of smses really made me feel better. :D

of course, there were the calls from cerise & rocker that i actually answered. :) not to forget, the EIGHT missed calls from my brother, two from rocker, and some others too.

mighty thanks yeah :) hahas everyone is being so sweet all of a sudden i just couldnt stay sad.

sms from my dad
Go have fun and on me. Do not stay too late

cerise
i know u might not feel like talking much, but just know tt i'll always be there for u yeah? i reall wanna give u a beeg beeg hug now u know..

--

there are MANY others, honestly. thanks everyone, im gonna be fine yeah.

was looking at the pictures i took in NJC just now. i'll really miss everyone! the OC, 05s12, free period monday, 2pm tuesday, bubble tea wednesday & red-carpet thursday. hahas nothing special on friday, but the fact that its FRIDAY makes it good already.

-sigh. wonder what the future holds. meanwhile, im just gonna end my entry here cus there a RAT :| hahas no wait, i just got my maid to chase it away. hiaks feel quite bad to wake her up at this unearthly time, but i was REALLY petrified. still am actually!

waiting for my camera battery to finish charging, goodness-know-when it'll be done. GRR. should have started earlier aye? really wanna upload the stuff onto my com. yes, the batt is so flat that i cant even upload stuff into my com at all.

--

i really dont know if i should go tomorrow. -sigh. and after reading some stuff, i got depressed all over again. really tired man. -frowns.

xin hahas ok yer gbk just OOPS me. so yer msg is in my pitas. yeaa i was talking bt you & xiu! :) didnt wanna mk it so obv la, in case people get jealous. hahas wth. but yepp really glad ta have y'all around! regardless of what happens on monday, we're still the lazybums. ilu dead date :)

sigh. im getting quite depressed now, honestly. tomm might just be my last day in NJC, and its really driving me nuts to think about it. i mean i always thought that if i didnt get too attached to anyone or anything, it would be easier to part. yet now i really wish i made the most out of it. -sigh.

hiaks :| on a lighter note, im really happy for qing! :D hahas that silly girl.

ahhh i refuse to do my econs essay! GRR. feel like strangling the econs tutor derek lee now. he said that if one person dont hand it in, the whole class would be counted as late. like UGH, wot a mean tactic right?

if youre not the one,
then why does my soul feel glad today?

hahas this song is like ANCIENT alr! it just came on my winamp, and i realised its been ages since i last heard it. and still, its so nice :) reminds me of sec three, i used to sing it nonstop!

its finally raining! :D hope the warm spell goes away soon, cus its driving me nuts man. ahh but i was supposed to go SWIMMING today. hahas this is wrong!

i wanna watch a movie. its been seriously long since i last caught a decent one. -growls. hahas hopefully tomorrow we'll all be in the mood to go out & stuff aye? mmm and i guess im gonna get my hair trimmed again, within this week. hahas since i cant seem to find anyth nice things to buy yesterday, i shall just do something with my hair then. :D

--

things are getting really tricky lately. hahas gosh, if you ever (get the chance to) look into the book, you'll find a few consecutive entries with comments like, things are getting tricky, really tricky, even trickier, REALLY tricky. hahahas seriously! i think its evident even in my pitas. but yes, it IS really quite a bother.

but ohwells, i'll just handle things when the time comes. no point in thinking too much now aye?

and by the way, for those who isnt familiar with the book, its basically like my pitas, just tht without the hidden meanings & subtle phrases. hahas yes so it can get really ugly at times. :D

off i go now, good luck to everyone for tomorrow. and thanks for the luck too, i'll be needing it. :D

so you stole my heart,
and left me a ransom letter
demanding i treat you better,
should i ever want it back
and now im all alone
dreams are all forgotten,
memories all turned rotten,
it's not the same on the phone

so whats up girl?
things havent changed a bit since we last met
i bet my bottom dollar you're the best,
girl that i ever had
i never wanna lose you
so what's up?

i cant let you walk away
we planned to live forever in each others arms
so please hold on
you know-no one will love you like i do!
and thats the thing-you know it too

i hear our song; it keeps playing on the radio
youre on my mind, i cant let you go
im all alone and i just want you to hold
please take my hand. never let me go
i hear our song it keeps playing on the radio
youre on my mind, i cant let you go
please make your mind up,
dont see what the future holds

i do :)
im just eternally grateful to have you & you in my life! if youre the one reading it, you know im talking about us :D

we sat there, talking about so many events that had happened. but what was communicated between us during that conversation, is more than just sheer words. the expression of thoughts & feelings through non-verbal actions, its just beautiful. we dont hafta speak, we just know.

thanks for all that. :) all the things we've been through together, you know it wouldnt have been this great without you by my side.

--

honestly, it was just great to be able to talk like tht. to be able to trust that the other person is listening, understanding & most importantly, be comfortable & at ease :D of couse, listening to the other person speaking, and it seems like your own problems are being shared by another person :)

thanks so much, ilu!

our msn nicknames:

qing miss ur whining :)

mine - I MISS WHINING TO YOU;

:D

lalala :D
sheer happiness! but i dont just miss whining to you, i miss YOU, the dearest baobei, and for the longest time, my army :D hahas no wait, THE army ;)

fret not my other jewels, cus i still love you all so :D trust me, i do.

opps, sorry about the totally depressed entry, just had loadsa mind-boggling stuff going on in my head. thanks so much for the words of corcern :)

was about to just ramble on about more of the totally mixed up thoughts in my head, but ohwells, decided to just chuck them aside for the moment. afterall, why get so bothered by such things. if people arent gonna treat me with respect, then they arent getting mine either. and obviously, they wont be anywhere near important, with regards to me.

so lets just all treat the previous entry as one of my moodswings aye?

--

really thankful to have such angels for friends. :D hahas, although i call them bitches, and vice versa, i just love them so! its as if the term is the true test of how much i value the friendship, lol :) mighty mighty grateful :D

this is so GRR. i was intending to go jogging just now, to work the unhappiness out. hahas but when i was walking home, it poured & i was obviously semi-drenched. so yea hadta forgo my plans of jogging. after bathing, voila! its not raining anymore. hahas so much for trying to lose weight aye?

there was something else i wanted to add, but i forgot about it all of a sudden. hahas, must be the yummy calamari that im gonna have for dinner that made me lose my thoughts. heh

shall end it here then :D

oh, and we're getting our results on monday, its more or less confirmed already. hahas wish me luck!

sigh. im severely depressed man, at a low point right now. you may think its silly, or even pass it off as vanity. i dont deny to a certain extent, it probably is what people think. but theyre missing the bigger picture, cus such things really bother me.

its not very fair to criticise or even comment when you have no idea what is happening. so please, dont just judge me like that based on what you see.

sigh. why am i explaining so much? its so tiring sometimes, to be repeating myself constantly, when people dont even bother to listen, or try to understand. i just miss the times where i dont hafta say a thing, and there will be someone who knows what i feel or think.

and i miss the people, who are sincere about friendship, and not their self-interests that take priority.

no dont get me wrong, im not implying that i am a saint, who is totally selfless. yet, there are people who treat friendship like a transaction, making use of people to attain goals then kicking them aside when they lose their worth.

im so tired, tired of the betrayed trust i had given to some. stop it, i just wanna live.

--

RAHH. off i go now, jogging. i really do need it, to clear my thoughts, and to lose some pounds hopefully ..

FROWNS.

click on the word FROWNS up there. it is a link.

acks.

--

on a lighter note, i saw ohdi today! :D

hahas, we ran EIGHT rounds today! in the hot sun :| totally intolerable i swear. GRR. hahas and the canoeist (i think) from the other class kept running past me!! embarrassing la, honestly.

ooooh :) and i saw ohdi on the way out of school!! :D was practically hyperventilating & giggling la. couldnt quite believe my eyes when samantha asked ehh is tht person in ______ ohdi? then OMG, it really is! :D huiyi & waiyee were so amused by our gigglings & swooning la, but oooh eyecandy la i swear :D

mmmm shall end this entry here, hahas hafta reply some letters tht are like highly overdue! :D

Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird
I'mma give you the world
I'mma buy a diamond ring for you
I'mma sing for you
I'll do anything for you to see you smile
And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine
I'mma break that birdies neck
I'd go back to the jewler who sold it to ya
And make him eat every carat, don't fuck with dad

--

ive always disliked Eminem, for the fact that his songs are just so full of anger. yet surprisingly, i find myself enjoying his latest works. Encore, Toy Soldier & Mockingbird.

-shrugs. so strange i swear, but ohwells, not that i mind either.

this entry is totally pointless, in case you were wondering. just had the urge to type something. tried to do my math tutorial just now (note that tried is the key word here), but i got bored so here i am wasting my life away.

mmmmm, was thinking about some things just now.

i believe im highly alike with certain people who are around me. so much so that i want to push them away, similar to how with magnets, like poles repel.

there is repulsion, on both parties, and sometimes, the other person just seems altogether repulsive to me.

then i realised, since we are like poles, wouldnt i have the exact same character traits as the other party. now now, doesnt that make me a repulsive person as well?

:|

i think too much dont i?
or maybe not.

--

RAHH. pardon me, i blame this incoherent nonsense to the heat. i wish it'll just rain & pour non stop until next year or something.

oh and of couse, i'd gladly appreciately if they could play more of Good Charlotte's I Just Want to Live on the radio. :) oh! and not to forget, the remix of Green Day's Boulevard of Broken Dreams with Oasis's Wonderwall. lovely lovely songs :)

then again, Eminem would be just fine.

lalala :) just got my links done. sorry if i didnt link everyone alright. due to the fact tht i havent had normal links for months, i kinda lost everyone's blog add.

so yepp, dear friends please do drop me a message aightts :)

wouldnt it be nice if we were older
then we wouldnt have to wait so long
and wouldnt it be nice to live together
in the kind of world where we belong

you know its gonna make it that much better
when we can say goodnight and stay together

wouldnt it be nice if we could wake up
in the morning when the day is new
and after having spent the day together
hold each other close the whole night through

happy times together we've been spending
i wish that every kiss was never ending
oh wouldnt it be nice

maybe if we think and wish and hope
and pray it might come true
baby then there wouldn't be a single thing
we couldnt do
we could be married
and then we'd be happy

wouldnt it be nice

you know it seems the more we talk about it
it only makes it worse to live without it
but lets talk about it
wouldnt it be nice

good night
sleep tight

--

cute song aye? :D reminds me of the time the OC watched fifty first dates together! and how our butts hurt :D oooh, and shan? hahas. lalala :)

oh gosh, listening to hoobastank's the reason really brings back alot of memories! especially the times spent with qing, my dearest biatch of all times.

i really miss the times we share together, at my place listening to at40 and then switching to rickdee's to make sure that the song was on number one on both chart shows. all the times we intended to study, but ended up playing, bitching, gossiping, drawing, vandalising, eating, taking silly photos, watching mtv & all the other stupid things we do. sigh, i miss her so much. and of course, how she used to come my house to study in regular home clothes, then we'll change & escape to go shopping. after that, making up some long excuse about where she is & how her hp has no batt so she cant answer the phone. oooh, and the days where we would skip school! hahas :D she came over at 6am & we'll just continue sleeping, squeezing on my tiny bed. happy happy times i swear :)

hahas, the times we took the NEL home, and all the weird people we've met. the crazy stupid things we did together :D hahas. although i have a feeling everyone's bored by what im typing now, its just totally coming back to me now!

other than stuff about qing, there's also the parts where i spent all my time think about broc, swooning over that sexy person. lol i feel so crazy now. :D

and then, there was buck, the one who made us all laugh with his funny antics. :D it made me happy to even wave at him, and see him wave back! -laughs. so silly! same applies for d as well. just that right now, i avoid buck as much as possible, while i looked forward to seeing d :D

hahas confused aye? i guess this is stuff that only certain people would understand la.

i really wish we could all spend more time togt, return to the past, where we were all so happy :) hiaks. missing everything so much, especially after what happened last night & this morning with xin & xiu! treasure them sososo much :D

--

these memories aside, i think im gonna be lamenting about more in the weeks to come. after reading cerise's blog, i think im just gonna break down on friday or something. honestly, please do read the news on saturday morning to see how i committed suicide. acks

mmmmm. :( tonnes of things on my mind. terrible i swear, but ah wells.

--

ok, i guess i should update as well. went HOME (yes, i can sense all of your sniggers already) yesterday, after school. changed, packed & went out to meet joyce, mel, vonn & xt :D went to lucky plaza, and they had chicken rice. hahas the uncle there is damn funny, no wait, actually the people there were all so cute! had a great laugh :D

joyce left after awhile, the four of us went to grafitti to just sit & talk. ohh, yeah showed them pictures too :) great great time!

mmms, after tht i went down to united square genki to visit the ondo people! :D ok not all were working la, just matthew, nevil, tricia, xin yi & zili. ooh and rechilda came down too, although she was ill! nice to see her :D sat outside united square with them, and this other person called mervin (however you spell tht) & talked, while they smoked & ate my marshmellows. hahas. all our plans to go out remained as just plans, since we were all shagged & lazy. plus there was nothing much to do either. but it was just totally great to see them again :D hahas reminded me of all the fun!

so yepp, left at around 11+ to catch the last train. met up with xin & xiu! :D hahas, the three of us are like a wasted bunch man. imagine how shagged i was ok, i fell asleep with my contacts on, beside the pool right after i finished eating my myojo noodles. so unglam aye?

hahash yepp fortunately they managed to get me up, and then we just totally crashed. hahas no wait, i crashed, while they couldnt really sleep.

had macs breakfast this morning, and then sat there talking all morning. loadsa stoning, but it was good la :) went back ta sunglade, and slacked around more. took silly videos & pictures, lay around looking at clouds & etc. nicenice :)

ohh, we sent xin off cus she was going to teach tuition (lol yes we all pity the kid she taught eh), then xiu & i just went back to sleep. hahas.

woke up at around 4+ to go grab a bite. hahas taohueyy!! :D kitkat chunky too, sadly they didnt have the caramel ones. ate & talked somemore, then went back to sunglade. packed & left at around 6+

hahahs goshh this is a really long entry!! i dont believe if anyone can sit through this & finish reading everyth. lol

--

mmmmm, hahahs yes, cerise im finally done now! :D hahas. i love tht babe tonnes! :D shes too cute alr.

i saw a shooting star just now! :)

mighty pretty, i practically squealed when i saw it. was frantically trying to make a wish & my whole head was like OMG OMG OMG! hahas. my first encounter with one :D

ooh, i finally got down to developing the pictures, and GAWDD, i wish i didnt. i feel like burning them all. or at least drilling a hole in those with my ugly+fat face in it. unbearable i swear. UGH!

and it doesnt help that my friends all look so good. GROWLS.

ahh wells. cant help it when youve got great looking pals eh? hahas. anyways, im honestly contemplating getting a haircut. kinda tired of tying my hair lately, troublesome :| mmm, but the heat is unbearable la, if i do cut my hair short its gonna be hell.

and short hair is so gonna emphasize on my fat (enough) face. hahas, but i want a change of some sort.

mmm, oh wells, we'll see la.

--

went to xiu's place AGAIN. hahas, xin, my dead date who PS-ed me on vday came along as well. ok, it was actually me joining them la.

oooh, and thank god i went, if not i wouldnt have saw the pretty pretty shooting star :D -grins.

its like highlight of my mundane day :) cheered me up considerably lot, and its no mean feat ok. cus today i thought i alighted at the wrong bus stop so i walked ALOT in the wrong direction in the HOT SUN. hahas totally screwed i swear. but it was also great to see my two jewels, whom i miss dearly. my favourite bitching partners!! :D

--

im keeping my fingers crossed for now, not gonna say what for, just tht things would go well. :)

and im really praying tht everyth would go well on next friday, its like THE day. :| and no, it doesnt help tht our dear classmates have to keep reminding us. GRR. hopefully we'd all be happy (or ok, satisfied & not disappointed) kids yeah.

until then, lets just have funnnn! :D

RAHH. i wish that some people would stop talking to me like im five.

like excuse me, although i can get quite airhead at times, im not stupid ok. so just speak properly, or better yet, dont talk to me. and if you feel like youve nothing vaguely interesting or intelligent to say, then dont say anyth. honestly.

im trying to make someone unknowingly provoke me, so i can officially get pissed off, and hence have nothing to do with the person anymore.

im just annoyed. with what? i dont know. this is PMS in full blast, if it isnt apparent. so right now, since my scheme of trying to get the person to provoke me isnt working, im just gonna make the person's life miserable.

--

actions always speaks louder than words. a bark may scare the hesistant offender away, but we all know that the bite is the more efficient method.

so next time before you speak, think of what it means. or rather, whether you mean it in the first place. and if you dont even mean it, dont act like you do. please, cus that makes me sick

--

issues, so many issues. not to mention, decisions.

im suddenly reminded of Dreamland, this book i read in the past. just felt as if i was Caitlin, and im drowning, every thing else is pushed to an arm's length away. expectations, hopes, fears, dreams & what not, i dont wanna think about them. so irrational i know, which is why im just stoning so much.

im just afraid that when i do search deep within, beneath the surface, i'll just find an ugly empty shell. what is truely behind this facade? or is there nothing at all?

i dislike shallow people, and even more so when a person judges another. yet i cant safely say im not part of this. i admit that to me, hypocrisy to a certain extent is a necessity. yet, how do you clearly define the extent? grey areas would always exist to complicate matters.

im tired, i just want to live.

i think i ought ta stop pitasing about random thoughts, i know everyone else is confused alr. lala, let me just do some updates. :)

was out with some of the OC babes yesterday! :D namely, huiyi, milene (not OC but ohwells), sammie & yins. was at the perfect ten's screening of 50 First Dates. pretty sweet show, although to a large extent illogical & incredulous. ah wells, was expecting much either.

ooh, but before that, yins came over to prepare the vday stuff. goshh, tough tough man! hahas im really sorry to all the other classmates who has to suffer my bad artwork. :D

--

sometimes i wish the world would leave me alone, honestly. i find tht i really dislike going home nowadays, i dont wanna stay at home, dont wanna face certain things, or people. i dont know either.

-shrugs. tomm is vday! :D gonna be meeting some of my jewels for dinner or something. its just damn sad tht my dead date wont be around! mmm, cant wait ta catch up with them, and just be with them. :)

ive LOADS of things on my mind, honestly my brain is gonna burst outta my head.

took a long walk home just now, its 1.36am now btw. was at serangoon mrt's bus stop, waiting for my bus to come. suddenly had the urge to walk, but was kinda hesitant at the same time. but when the bus came, i let it past me. then i stood up to begin walking home

amazing how calm i felt, the serenity is un-matched. the breeze taking my troubles with them, drifting off to someplace else. i didnt think about anyth, just felt the world around me, moving on.

i really dont know howta describe it, but it is honestly therapeutic :) in fact, i even took an extra route just so tht i'd have more time for thinking, and being on my own. hahas although in the midst of doing so, ive met certain um, unexpected encounters. well, i was too stoned to bother la

was talking to a certain somebody last night, and tht person sent me quite a few chinese songs via MSN. one of them being, Duan Dian, which im really hooked on to :) its on repeat now.

so aniw, back to the person. sometimes i really wonder whats happening between us, if we're still friends. i honestly dont wish for tht person to be just another passing face in my life, and i hope the person feels the same. for an incredible person who reads me like a book, and have so many good qualities, i'd never wanna forget. :)

going off to bed alr. im dozing off alr. rahh

sometimes i wish i could strangle my buddy, honestly. but at the same time, i know i wouldnt. hahas contradicting myself, but its true.

ohwells. hcny everyone, by the way. hope everyone had a great one yeah, enjoyed the long break & etc.

ive been spending my time at xiu's place, eating & eating. -faints. horribly sinful i swear. but i honestly had a great time with tht babe, just going crazy being myself. :) ahhhhh, happiness i swear!

shall continue this the next time. im just really sleepy suddenly. MMMMM.

hahas, yes finally a new one.

im too lazy to add in the links & etc for the moment, so bear with me. anyways, its not like i had many links to begin with.

i know this layout is kinda plain, very purple & pink, but ohwells, just had the urge to make a change somehow. -shurgs. dont ask me, i cant explain it either

mmmm, was reading through my archives, january & february 2004. its really amazing the way i used to pitas so much, and with so many details :D

maybe i should start doing that now, cus reading those entries brought back many memories. so many things that ive totally forgot about, slowly are forming a picture in my head again. beautiful i must say :) things about diets, whining, going out with the bbcians & fckers, chinese lessons, eyecandies & everyth else. hahas cant imagine i used to be this crazy somehow. not to mention, i used to be such a total bitch :D

ahhhh! stop it wai! its unhealthy to keep thinking about the past like that. hahas, shall end the entry here for now, im gonna continue reading :)

ahhhh, im gonna grow fat! and my new clothes will burst when i attempt to squeeze into them :(

how utterly depressing, but still im stuffing myself with new year goodies :) hahas my father has stocked the house with some highly sinful titbits. yummm i'd say, but my expanding waistline is protesting!

-sigh. ohhh but i bought new shoes today! :D hahas, white base with pink design. wheee! and a tshirt as well, bright red in color. hahas my mum would love me for tht man

im really super tired right now ._. acks.

i honestly hate it when i feel like im taking a stab into the dark, treading on dangerious waters. its so scary to find out what the truth is, and sometimes, i really dont want to know. :|

but meanwhiles, let me just get happy thinking of BB :D lalala.

i swear im so pathetic, im still hooked onto Purest of Pain after so long. thankfully for dinah's blog, which has the spanglish version on repeat :D hahas.

it is honestly one of my favourite songs at this moment, after so long!

anyhows, ive found the new love of my life :D hahas. okok, the latest eyecandy, that ive decided to focus a large amount of attention on. i dont know how to classify that person either, but ooh, hahas i suppose he's under the makes-me-smile section! :D

sheesh. i cant believe im typing this on the WorldWideWeb. i just cant contain my happiness la. hehs. havent felt like that for such a long long time, its almost amazing. hahas.

okok, enough of me swooning la. aniw, was out with huiyi & waiyee just now. sat at kobayashi & talked alot. hahas and i think i saw prince there. mmmm, if im not wrong its him la.

ahhh too lazy to pitas alr. hahas shall just think about my new love & get a little ditsy ;)

WOAH FUCK

and i mean, FUCK. there are just some sick assholes on friendster la. just checked my messages and im receiving some really CRAP stuff la.

message number one

i am tommy

can we be best friends please

kindly call me please

98711206

--

message number two

so, its easy to make U wet ah?
if U need a good laugh or need me, call me 9008 1971....

--

there are more which are like not so bad la, but these two are like FUCKING yucky la. and if anyone has the time, please feel free to PRANK CALL these two. honestly, im like so disgusted i wanna like KILL these people alr.

and if anyone is playing such pranks on me, WATCH IT. fuck it ok.

--

came online in a good mood, logged onto pitas while checking my messages on friendster. was gonna pita about something else, when i saw those crap messages la.

i dont even know why its pissing me off so badly. honestly im already not in a very good mood to begin with, and now. RAHHH.

--

ANYWAY, those things aside. im trying my best to avoid sophi now, xiu would know who im talking about. yes, shes really driving me nuts sometimes.

went to j8 with cerise just now! walked around, bought some stuff la. hahas, im converting her into a person who bitch around, quote unquote her. she claims tht i do that! but ohwells, not that i deny it either lahh. :) its like my hobby or something to bitch.

and shes quite a good bitching partner too :D in a sense, she is really pretty resourceful & observant. just found out some stuff about someone, thanks to her. mmmm, really makes me wonder about appearance versus reality.

ooh, met up with dinah, xin & xiu yesterday! :D bitched & gossiped with xiu alot as usual, and talked about our love lives (or rather the lack thereof). ahwells ;)