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i have an afro
well im leaving for a little while tomorrow. i got some new white t shirts and a hairbrush today at walmart i finally found out how to make my hair be dry and stand up without it being dirty and nappy so that is a new skill i guess. i am going to think alot while i am gone to the beach and maybe some stranger will hold me so i can think easier but probably not i dont need to be held anyway. i hate the beach and most people at the beach but i am going to find some punks this time. i hope i know how my situation needs to be by the time i get back i have been trying hard to be ashley and davids friend but it hurts me to be around everything so i may try to remove myself from the situation for a little while because even though im trying i dont think i am really helping them in any way and if dave ever feels the way he did in his pitas on a permanent basis it would be very bad for me and i dont want to be that upset right now. i dont know what will be easier for everyone but i think that by the end of this trip i will know what will easiest for me and i will make my decisions based on this, of course with love in mind for the only two people i can truely call friends. it just saddens me deeply that the only people who can understand and be my friends are the ones it hurts the most to be around. i honestly dont know wether i need a break from the pain or support of my relaitonship with you guys more. one day it will all be washed away by something and then we might be able to hang out like we used too. i hope i miss you both alot and im sorry that things have to be so difficult for me and you. good luck with happyness and joy. i will always have joy. thats one more thing in the pyramid that cant be taken away from me it can be but only by me so it cant be becuase i would never do that since i am smart enough to realize that i am the cause. ashley i will always remember everything you did for me and helped me do for myself even if we can never be true again. and dave i will always remember the connection and i will always apreciate the happyness you give to ashley. i love you guys and i will miss you if i decide that i dont want to deal with everything. just know that i can and that if for some reason either of you need me to i will. i am confident that it will all be normal one day just maybe not for a while. because i try hard.
just a thought
today i spent some time with my dad and i think that honesty is the most important and most difficult thing in the world.
this is sucking
well things are sucking pretty hardcore. i am ok as a person but as far as everything else goes i cant say much for it. dave is pissed because he thinks i am trying to hurt ashley on purpose. he must be ignoring the fact that i love her more than anyone else i know and that she has helped me grow more as a person than anyone else ever will. but anyways it hurts a little that someone could actually think that i would do something like that on purpose.when i have shown so much love for him and ashley through all this shit, but fuck it ive done the best i can and i am ok. so it doesnt really matter whose pissed off because everyone knows that i am doing my absolute best to be the best person that i can be. so im not sorry. not at all. im proud of myself
pyramid scheme
well this may possible be the most important entry to my pitas ever. this may also be one of the most important nights of my life. I love ashley may huard everything hence i say everything she has ever done to or with or for me has been good. She has sort of left me at least temporarily for possibly the best friend i have. but with her leaving me i thought and i contemplated things in my life that can be taken away from me, as many things that i have thought unmoveable have been changed or abolished and not just this but many things like my mom and just things that felt permanent. i love her more because with out her i would not have the ability to fathom this concept. well it is about one thirty in the morning and i left my house just to think and skateboard by myself and i have listed things in number order(for anyone but ash who might be reading this from one to three it went ashley, food, skateboarding/music, and probably closeness maybe before food) but i realized that everything on my list could be taken away. so i thought and there are several things that can never be taken away from me while i am a person. first me being a person my identity can never be taken away from me even if i am the only person who knows. also my freedom can never be taken away. not my physical freedom but my freedom to think and judge based on my knowledge. also my ability to love can never be taken away it may be beaten into the ground never to show its face again but i will know what i truely love. and this makes up the pyramid and know i know your thinking what is spinning on top well it is very obvious on top what will always spin and shine and be cherished by me and i will hold in my heart is the truth. i will always be as honest as possible to everyone and especially myself. people dont need to worry about destroying me because although shareing these truths with someone would be the best thing that could ever be besides these truths they can never take these truths away. I love alot and everything i say about being ok is not bullshit because i am living my life and my life will move wether anyone chooses share and understand it or not. i understand it and i love ashley for giving me so much help to understand it.
melancoly
that is really bad spelling. i have been neglecting my pitas a little bit but thats ok. tonight i went to the visitation of my stepgrandmother it was pretty sad but i think it has improved my relationship with my stepmother some so its ok. and i think she was a really goodhearted person so she is enjoying herself now. I bought a yellow tie to wear to the wedding tomorrow but i cant tie it straight it is going to make me cry if i cant wear it tomorrow. my dad said he would tie but he didnt. i am really looking forward to seeing ashley tomorrow. i have missed her alot while she has been gone. im not going to the beach so i wont have to be away from her again and that is a super good thing. i wrote her one good letter while she was gone and one super good poem too. it might be my swan song this is the first one that i have actually thought was pretty.it is super special too. i hope i able to give ashley some smooches of some kind tomorrow it may have to be kind of incognito. I have so much to talk to ashley about and i cant wait to see her. and if she happens to be reading this she should be calling me because i am home alone all night and tomorrow morning too and she needs to call me in the morning to let me know whats going on anyways.well ill go get some rest.you know i love you.
no
i typed so much and i just lost it
this is the worst day of my life
i want ot talk to you so bad ashley i love you
oh yeah
and one more thing
i can get it up
yeahyeahyeah
i took the little quiz on the link up there
and i passed
yeahyeahyeah
chester is healthy
sweetness and quickness
today was a super wonderful day. i went to see ashley for a little while and i got to lay with her and that is my absolute favorite thing to do. I was really super close to her today probably the closest ever so that makes today possibly the best day ever. I love ashley so much because i have nothing to hide with her and it is so nice i know she cares about everything that everbody else thinks is meaningless. it is the most wonderful thing ever. And she is leaving tomorrow for france and i am going to miss her so much but i wont be sad because she will be happy and have a nice time in paris. And if people are mean to her it wont keep her from having a good time because she knows i love her a super lot and i always will. also i just realized that ashley has seen weezer.thats cool. i also just realized that the links are up there and i could put them there if i wanted but im a little to lazy to type something in but its all good.chester feels good and he has no worries now. I hope chester didnt hurt roy too bad when he went swimming he really enjoyed it though and so did brandon.
birthday suit
today was my birthday and today was the best birthday i have ever had.this was definately one of the ten best days i have ever had. Every day my future with ashley seems closer and closer. Even though i still have a couple of years to wait i can see everything and how real every thing is my love is so real it is not anything that most adolecents experience or adults for that matter but it is so real. I can see how little i need to be happy now. i need myself and i need closeness with the one i love.as long as i have these things i will be a happy person and not dumb happy like the druggy kids so smart and i will be able to see everything but the bad things wont make me feel bad like before because i will have everything i need. i love ashley so much and i dont go back on my morals because i am in love. and i am sure. i am so sure that i want to spend the rest of my life with her. i cant even wank anymore because my mind wants the closeness now and not the pleasure. I am such a good person and i am so glad that another super good person has seen me. Ashley is the best person, i have never met anyone who has cared about everything so much and actually been able to see past her feelings and make such smart decisions and i am becoming smarter with her. We help each other so much. all in all i think that ashley may huard is essential to my well being, and i am super super super glad that she is with me now.
dancing?
well today is my birthday and i didnt really have a party or anything but chester and roy got together and had a well shall we say SOCK hop. Roy scared chester because chester isnt quite as smart as me, and i think chester scared roy a little too. but after they started to get to know each other it was getting to be nice and then chucky eugene came and crashed the party, but in the end it was all good because it was just closeness and chester didnt get beat up too bad. maybe one day we can meet butch. hes not so scary either in fact you might even say he's a pussy. just like dav
i am the best swimmer
i went swimming today with ashley and i had a super good time. She is the most beautiful human being i have ever met. I would do anythign to make her happy but what is super nice is that me just being me makes her super happy. She makes me feel so good about myself i have never ever liked myself and the decisions i make so much like the way i do right now and its all her fault. there are some other things that are her fault to but i wont get into that. just kidding im starting to feel better so its ok. we decided that my cock needs a name but havent decided yet. im looking at monster or big un' or something like that to represent the hugeness of it. I am going to go and think about how nice everything is now. so i will stop typing but its ok. yeah yeah yeah
im stupid
im not so smart. i worry so much and get so angry. david is a fucking dick and i hate him so much i love him but he trys so hard to make it seem useless becuase he is afraid of everything being ok. that is so stupid and he knows hes stupid he just wont take the fucking time see how to be smart hes just like all the people in the system that he fucking hates hes afraid of any change even if its good, this is exactly what he goes against everyday of his fucking life and he wont even look at himself and realize he acts just like them. it makes me so sad because he has the potential to be so smart. but i am scared of him being smart too. if he is bright he will cast me into the shadows
sometimes my light isnt bright enough. i try so hard and i do everything possible but i cant be smart. i am super worried that other things are so important to her and i have nothing else. i would like to say that i am smart enough to live with myself but then i would be lieing to myself and that would not be smart at all. im so weak but i can grow stronger now. I know exactly how i am and since i have accepted that i can and will become such a better person i have already become such a better person. i know that you see this but i am still to weak in my own eyes to not doubt. the only thing that goes without doubt in my eyes is my undying love for you. i will love you and i do love you.im sorry that im not so strong yet but i know that you know i will be.
please write me something i feel like you dont think about me when you dont ever write me. i know you do but im weak about stuff like that. one day my smartness will overcome i really hope my other demons dont drive you away before i win.
i love you forever
lovin, yeah yeah yeah
i am personally a huge fan of lovin of any form. many people might say that i am horny or something like that but thats not true at all i dont really need the physical lovin so much. the thing is, lovin is about as close as you can get to the person your giving lovin. my little theory is that this closeness is what people really desire not the actual pleasure that the lovin gives. personally i would have no problem with never getting lovin if i could be as close to the person that i was in love with any other way. snuggling is really close too and also when this person you love falls asleep while i look at her. Loving is so wonderful and i couldnt do with out it because i would be so miserable if i couldnt be close to ahley because she is the most wonderful person i have ever met and i love her so much so to others it may seem like i have a need for lovin or pleasure or giving pleasure but i just really like to show my love how i feel as much as i can. i feel nicer when i can be close to ashley than i ever can when i am alone and when im not with ashley i feel alone. everything is not nice and i can see the not nice things better than ever now that i have become smart, but things with ashley are so nice that all the other stuff is not worth wasting the time i could be enjoying the joy that has come to be in my heart. I have fallen on my face but i love the ground.
im angry oh well
i had originally planned on writing my philosophy on lovin', but now im pissed so thats not going to happen i was talkin to my good buddy dave and he started his bullshit about everybody hating him and how much he sucked and i was thinking about how bad it made my sweetie feel and how bad it makes me feel and i asked him what his fuckin deal was and he wouldnt say anything to me i hate to make him feel bad but i cant stand that shit you know? it really bothers me he knows we dont hate him and that he isnt shit so he should not whine about all this shit and ruin everybodys day. i know everybody cant be smart and stuff but he is smarter than that he doesnt have to give us all this shit all the time and unless he explains all this bullshit that he knows is wrong im not going to fuckin talk to him anymore. i love ashley very much though and i would be very very upset if she didnt help me so much. i am ok
everything is going to be ok because im going to get married to the girl i love. yeah!
shifty
today ended up being a good day. i thought it was going to be a bad day but it ended up pretty good. I was super sad for a while but my schweety fixed that and i faced a serious test of my smartness. I Passed, yeah yeah yeah!!!
i am still smart. I listened to why my dad does the things he does and i can see everything and hes not such a bad guy hes just totally different than me but thats ok
so its all good. yeah
word to the wise
everything is super good for me. I am one of the luckiest people i have ever met. there is only one other person that knows how lucky i am but that is ok she is the only person who needs to know right now. i bet your wondering why i am so lucky arent ya. Well, i didnt win the lottery. i only have two dollars. Im not extremely physically attractive, i am pretty cute but thats besides the point. and i am not popular,i only have one friend. you may ask yourself, "well well in what way is this poor young lad lucky?" well i do face just as many calamities as everyone else and i deal with them just like everybody else, but there is one simple difference i know why. I can look at what im doing and know wether it is wrong or right. i dont have to depend on what everyone else tells me. i am not the first person to achieve this magnificent feat but it is very rare that a person can achieve this level of smartness that takes such a great deal of painful introspection, and it is even more rare that a person can do this during the incredibly hectic and horrid adolecent years. for this i am a very lucky man. i can say that i am a man because for a boy to become a man the boy must learn who they are, and i have done this. everyone knows that this incredible thing that has occured in my life could not have occured unassisted and this brings up the next extent of my luckyness. i have found a woman ,she is a woman the way i speak of manbut the word girl sounds better so i will probably use it from here on out but dont be confused she is a woman, who shares my self realization and honesty and loves me. yes i know you think i am stupid and could not know i was in love at such a young age and after such a short time,but your wrong because i am super smart and she is in love too and it is the nicest thing i have ever felt i have gone through my life being honest about all the bad things and have faced up to all of it now that something good has happened and has started the flow of joy into my heart i can see the good in everything. and i can see the good in the one thing i never thought i could find any; myself. this beautiful girl has improved my foresight and hindsite so much it is unbelievable, now i can look back at all the things i did and never understood and see the underlying general goodness in my heart. This is more important than anything that has happened to my so far in my life this girl has given me more than love passion care and though
this girl has given me the best gift anyone could ever give me and i will always appreciate it. i will never forget what she has done for me i couldnt because this is the most important time in my life and she has made it important. She has given me true peace with myself. I couldnt have even grasped this idea before i met her. I didnt really need to write this because i dont let people who arent smart read it and people who are smart already know this stuff, but this is here in case somebody needs encouragement sometime.
i love you
brandon likes to snuggle
my name is brandon. i am super smart and i like to snuggle because it gives me wisdom. i only snuggle with one person because that is all i need. this person is ashley. she is even super smarter than me and thats pretty damn smart. She is the most important person to me. Some people are nice but if it werent for her i wouldnt even know who they were so that is super super important if you know what i mean. i am a handsome 15 year old male but if your reading this you already know that especially the handsome part
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