Eternity's Child – Cruel Honesty v.4.0

Friday, January 9, 2004 - 10:07 a.m.

Well, I get to look forward to going back to school today. Not as in classes.... but I'm actually gonna be back on campus. =P

Being as I was off for basically a month, packing to go back will be a pretty good task considering I brought back my desktop that I'm currenlty using and have been using this whole time, for all my computer needs.

Not only that, but I have to bring back all my clothes to the dorm so that I have something to wear. I only have enough to fill a small, rolling suitcase and my lil laundry basket (this includes my towels.... so i did all my laudry here at home, so what? =P)

Oh what a fun filled day this shall be.

Tuesday, January 6, 2004 - 09:28 p.m.

all right.... things are getting bad.

Horrible.

TERRIBLE.

What a mess...

I really wanted to just be able to concentrate on me studies when I got back to Purdue when classes restarted this monday.... but oh no.

Chibi just HAS to keep herself updated with all that her whiny stalker puts down in his journal.

*sighs*

As predicted, (cause I'm all cool and psychic like that...um,... yeah...) It seems that he's now getting it in his head that I just might somehow return everything he wants to say to me back to him. I think this one line from his journal just might back up that theory up... this is him talking about some dream he had about me....

"She kept, I dunno, almost saying, no, hinting at everything I have wanted to say to Her. Thats all I really remember."

*sighs again* Am I really that special? Do I have to find such people EVERY TIME I turn around? I mean, geez... I'd like to think I'm friendly enough, but man... I sure know how to lure in the ones with issues. *sweatdrops* I really hoped his lil love thoughts didn't come from the day I tried cheering him up when he was really depressed from failing his jap mid term. he might have somehow gotten something I told him him in attempts of cheering him up the wrong way perhaps?

Maybe it wasnt then but another incident?

Who knows.

But as of now he doesn't know I read his journal.... actually he believes that i wouldn't read it. (*coughs*) I have debated several times whether or not to leave some message to him, but I have not.

Perhaps I should.... who knows.

*sighs dejectedly* I don't think I'll be doing much of anything for a while. Been feeling kinda blah-like. I be much missing me koibito *sniffles* but I shall pull through, waiting 8 months to be able to see him again is slightly .... long. but i'll write him as often as i am able once i get his address of where's he's at in south carolina. (I bet he's really enjoying boot camp so far, since it started yesterday for him an' all ^^;;)

But, it still really surprised me to find out his main motivation for passing boot, was simply to be able to see me again. I mean, if he for some reason fails... (and i believe very much that he has it in him to pass) his parents are kicking him out of the house.... and if he fails.... he can't go to college anymore...

The tuition money, and place to live seems to be motivation for him, but... i don't really think I've ever been like a "main" motivation for anyone before.

you may think that's kind of a terrible thing for me to say... you may think that I think its terrible or wrong for him to consider me in such a way, and that is not the case in any form.

see, through many years of verbal teasing and abuse... mainly through family... i have come to not think much of myself. which is good in some respects, because i don't find myself to be better than anyone else out in the world.... but it's bad because i am really SHAMED to tears to hear any compliments at all in my general direction.

Now, I confess... I've been trying here recently in the past couple of years to build some sort of higher self esteem about myself... and I believe I am sort of doing that if a little slowly. My main help and support through the beginning of my trials of that very task I do believe came from MD-chan. And more recently through da koibito.

I remember one night... I think we were just laying around in my dorm room... I don't remember what we were even talking about, but our conversation topic doesn't really matter for the point I'm trying to make. Anyway, I remember making a comment that went something to the effect of, "I really don't think I'm anything special."

And it confused me then, but i'm slowing understanding through my newer "self esteem" when he just pulled me close and kissed me ever so softly on the forehead telling me that I should think I was special... that I was VERY special, and never to think otherwise.

I believe I probably said that a few other times as well, but you know... from that first time on, I really felt closer to him... because.... well... I have very very few people that seem to find some special something in me that I just don't seem to see.... and it makes me want to be able to see what they see in me... just for a moment.

But perhaps, I think...everyone has a certain quality about them that only others see, and its that quality, each being diffrent for every person, that draws you to those few who come to love and appreciate you the way no others have done in the past.

And so, I am happy beyond words just simply knowing my beloved koibito finds something wonderful in me, even if I am unable to see it or recognize it... because.... maybe i'm not suppose to be able to. Perhaps, that's what makes me.... ME.

I believe I rambled long and hard about not too much of anything, but I find that I am in higher spirits now than I was minutes ago, so =P to any of you who may have that I was simply being silly.

Good day... er,... night to you all! *bows*

Sunday, January 4, 2004 - 07:31 p.m.

da chibi.... is sad.

Tonight starts the long 8 months of me koibito's absence as he goes off to basic/boot camp/AIT stuff.

I got to see him yesterday when we made the trip out to give him the wallet he left behind, we had a nice lil almost 2 hour stay at his house.

Just got off saying goodbye to him on AIM a few minutes ago and he's determined to call me later tonight. "I just have to" he says.

....damnit, the more times I have to tell him goodbye the harder it gets....

Reading his last entry in his journal was quite endearing and cute. I mean, he even puts up cute lil pics... this last one, made me break out into tears, he always finds the darnedest lil pics you ever did see.

anyway, will have to prepare myself mentally to get back into the swing of school things, but more importantly i need to prepare myself to have to deal with monkeydude (aka: the whiner, clingy-emotional-person, etc., etc.,...)

I think with me dealing with the fact that mikey's not around.... school work.... and missing other ppl, and other things I don't think i'll have the tolerence for him like i did this past semester.

Plainly, he starts up again, I'll probalby lash out pretty violently against him (verbally anyway).

Just thinking about it makes me upset. He takes it too far. and i was far too lenient this last time.

in other not so depressing/psychotic news... da chibi is officially back to work on her site. *poses* That's what i think i'll be working on to keep my mind occupied this last week of vacation.

da chibi finally actually has a life.... and she's not really sure if she likes it. =P

Friday, January 2, 2004 - 07:12 p.m.

Geez, the whiner is at it again...

Once again I have Her on my mind. This is messing with me even more than my grades and other school related problems. Of course, my constantly thinking about Her is part of the cause of my current school problems. Not that it is Her fault, its just they way I am built. Anyway, I keep thinking about how things are going to be when I get back. Is She still going to avoid me? Will She be willing to be friends again? How is Michael not being there going to change things? Probably for the better, but possibly not? Is Her new roomie going to be a factor in any of this? So yeah, once again, lots of questions, and not an answer in sight. It seems to be the story of my (lack of a) love life.

I gotta give the kid credit.... he's pretty damned persistant about me. -__-;;;

I love how he capitalizes the first letter in 'her' and 'she' as if I were God or something when they write "Him" or whatever.

*bashes her head into the nearby wall* I would really love to know what I have to do to get it through monkeydude's head here. He wants me to be all close friends with him again, but talking with him would be difficult considering he would be constantly looking at me with lovesick eyes.

I mean, who can sit and talk to someone when you're getting unwanted looks from them.

*sighs*

In better news, monday I made me lil road trip (i didn't even get lost once, thank you very much) and successfully kidnapped da koibito. Muwuahahahahaha!!! *coughs* anyhoos, he got to suffer meeting both sides of da family since this trip occurred over the new year's.

.....poor mikey.

being as da trip was only suppose to go through thursday, his parents were a 'bit' peeved when he was brought back this morning *sweatdrops*

da mikey got in more trouble than usual cause of da chibi >.o;;

And then what happens?

da mikey leaves his wallet with all da valuable stuffs that it contains here in ohio. very nice. very nice indeed. so, now we are working on when we're gonna get this to him considering he ships off to basic this sunday.

;__; and then da mikey will be gone for 8 months off the face of da earth....

*quirks* ....ok, so he'll still be on planet earth but you know what.... yeah. it's all about da mikey.

And then after next week, I return to purdue (...yay) and discover who the stranger will randomly be in my room with me for this coming semester. (...yay) this roomie better be better than the last one. the baby still gets all huffy when she sees me. i havent said a word to her and everytime i've ever looked in her direction I had a look of indifference on my face, because really I dont care.

And my R.A. said *I* needed counseling.

...whatever.

And thus ends another page in the day and life of chibi.

Thursday, January 1, 2004 - 12:01 a.m.

HAPPY NEW YEAR MINNASAN!!!! >^.^<

Sunday, December 28, 2003 - 01:31 p.m.

lol - was going over how i remember certain vocab words for jap with my parents. they still don't understnad where I get this stuff. but hey, if it works, then damnit it works.

Examples would be like... um....

machi = city/town (I remember this one by thinking... man, i wanna light this town up with a "match" because even if there is a "i" sound at da end, the word still sounds similiar to match ^^;; )

asa = morning (i remember this one because i think.... "its's a pain in the ass to get up in the morning")

ketsuyoubi= monday ("mondays suck... they're always out to 'get you'" *quirks*)

suiyoubi = wednesday ("I'll 'sue' you on wendesday")

kenyoubi - friday (" 'Ken' and Barbie go out on friday")

doyoubi = saturday ("I sit around and go "duuh..." on saturdays")

... i think you get da picture. I was telling my parents this a second ago and they were like "ok, alex"

See, my pal Al (hey, that rhymed XD) and I would always collaborate and figure out dumb sayings and things to remember our vocab for our different classes in high school.... the only one i can ever remember very well at the top of my head now would be when we needed to learn the word 'sublimation' for our chemistry 2 class.

See, 'sublimation' means to go from a solid to a gas.... and since it has the word 'sub' within the word 'sublimation' i remember looking at Al and going.... "Hey, a SUB is a solid... a person can eat it and it gets processed through the body.... and then at the end... it comes out as a gas" A tad crude maybe, but we found it funny and remembered it for the test.

...Although no one in our class could figure out why we started randomly cracking out laughing in the middle of taking the test. ^_^;;;

Ok, enough of that craziness.... got to play messenger earlier as I had to run back and forth from my mom back to my computer as my mom kept having me ask questions to da koibito and then i'd have to run back to give her da answers. and so on and so forth.

i get made into a messenger often, i should be used to this sort of thing. i guess running back and forth from one side of the house to the other many times gets a tad tiring after awhile, who knows.

anyhoos, i think that's it.... um, most likely anyway. otherwise i'd be repeating myself, and i think you guys are all capable of scrolling down a little farther to see anything else i've ranted and commented about in the past few days =P - heh - bye bye minnasan

Saturday, December 27, 2003 - 11:00 p.m.

I get to make a road trip desu ne!!

Monday morning I get to make a lil trip to Indiana and 'save' me koibito from his parents and whisk him back to ohio with me. (technically i've been told that ohio is indiana lite, but hey... he said ohio was better cause his parents werent there - lol)

So watch out fellow drivers! Monday morning, Chibi will be your new hazard as she attempts to conquer da road!! Muwhahahahahaha!!

*coughs* Um, yeah.

Anyhoos, in other news got to meet me bros new girlfriend who happens to have my same first name. I got more than a tad confused, i'm not used to being around someone with my name. it's MY name damnit, i dun care if she's older... its MINE. =P

OK, tantrum over - heh - um, new year's will be interesting.... always is since I spend it with da fam. but this year da mikey gets to experience what i experience EVERY year.... and more than once. heh heh.... gambatte to him. (i'm sure he'll be fine - lol)

anyhoos, dun know if i'm getting on ffxi or going to bed.... feeling a little blah, cant really decide what i wanna do.... maybe i'll go and grab some more gatorade and listen to some jpop music.... who knows what lurks in da mind of this chibi

Friday, December 26, 2003 - 04:07 p.m.

Well, christmas was interesting. Although like every christmas, by the end of the day I felt ready to leap from a tall building off in the middle of nowhere. *twitches*

Don't get me wrong, I do like seeing the family.... from time to time. But.... well, when you have been appointed the family rag doll, which the contract for being severely picked on ALL THE DAMN TIME lasts for my whole life, (most likely).... I can really only take so much verbal abuse.

And its suppose to be a HAPPY holiday. *sighs*

Anyhoos, all's well that ends well... I survived yet another encounter with da fam. Even if I DID get beamed in the back of the head with a very hard, yet small present. *sweatdrops* it wasn't even for me, they were trying to throw it all the way across the room to somebody on the opposite side of the table from me.

Christmas.... it's a dangerous holiday desu ne.

My dad's side, is an all right encounter for the most part.... except for the lady my grandpa married after grandma died.... I lovingly nicknamed her "Devil Woman" and everyone in the family (except the youngest cousin who doesn't know about it) loves it and uses that name for her when she's not around.

In short, everyone in my family hates her.

And the part about my youngest cousin.... although he is a freshman in high school, he was too young to remember da REAL and a whole hella lot cooler grandma. So, he basically thinks she's the best person in the whole wide world... and no one will tell him differently.

And trust me... this is not a "we hate her because he married her" thing. The story is much deeper than that, but it's a family thing you understand and I'm not really gonna get into much more than that.

*sighs*

I'm tired all of a sudden desu ne....

*blinks sleepily* Hmm... that's really weird... I'll have to get on later and tell the happier lighter side of christmas later...

Wednesday, December 24, 2003 - 11:44 p.m.

Well, where to start on me Christmas Eve experience?

Went to bed at 5 this morning, was on ffxi/aim with koibito til then. We went around for a brief little period with his best friend on the game following around and healing him since he had just started the game. It didn't last too long, because he decided to go up against a rock lizard that kill him in maybe 3 hits, if that before we could save him.

Then he needed "sleep" and we stayed on longer.

After being woke up around noon, I got to spend most of the day at my grandmother's with my dad's side of the family. She got all upset and said she was "ashamed". We assured her there was nothing to be ashamed of, but she rattled on about how her house was dirty and she was a mess... and well, you get the picture.

I was then given the job as "distractor" when they wanted to bring in her HUGE gift. She kept trying to get back into the room where they were loading the gift.... seeing my efforts were quickly failing the rest of the family decided to help, but she eventually got through and she became a little upset again.

She always says not to get her anything.... and as the family we never listen - lol

And of course, it wouldn't be a family get together if da Chibi wasn't picked on and made fun of because she's majoring in japanese. My one uncle kept doing impersonations of sumo wrestlers and randomly screaming "GODZILLA!!!" *quirks* it was funny the first maybe two times... then it quickly got old.... My parents made me bring my jap book so that they could look through it. Most of my relatives looked at it and were like "Forget it that...." i guess learning jap is too hard for their feeble minds - lol

To appease my grandmother and the rest of the family I had to say sentences and phrases that I knew. Then they wanted me to say colors and count to ten... and you know... it was a lot like when you talk excitedly to a little kid when they first learn their ABCs or their 1,2,3s

I thought that experience was long ago.

I suppose I was wrong.

anyhoo, i'm finishing up the laundry i forgot about and left in the washer to dry *quirks* and when that's done i'll probably go to bed since it being christmas and all and i need energy to survive the two families all in one day.

So with that said, Merry Christmas, minna-san! Have a safe holidays and hopefully no one gets coal. *sweatdrops at her own stupid statement*

Tuesday, December 23, 2003 - 08:33 p.m.

Went out and had some good quality "fun time" with da parents. They wanted to go out and see 'The Elf', but they ended up going to the wrong movie theater. The one we went to the movie didn't play until 6:55, instead of 5:30 like the one we were suppose to go to.

So what do we see instead? 'The Haunted Mansion' with Eddie Murphy.

Now, it wasn't the greatest movie in the world, but I couldn't help but think that my time had been wasted somehow. Even if the kid in the movie made the crack "Dad.... I see dead people."

*sighs* Oh well, it was really the first time I had been out of the house for a while. There's really nothing to do here. And it's rainy.... yeah, that's a good excuse... the snow is all melty and rainy-like and therefore I must stay inside.

Yeah.... that's it. *coughs*

Anyhoos, haven't really done anything today other than the movie and previously before that my pudgy kitty took over what little of a lap I have and conquered my right arm rendering it useless as long as she stayed on my lap.

I usually dun mind, but I was on FFXI at the time, and really I didn't get anything accomplished because being a low lvl whm, attempting to do her job with one arm is not an easy task. The whole cross-over thing with my left arm (which was being glomped onto my dear mikey) makes things ever so fun.

Wow... I really don't have much to say today. Must be talked out or something. No random things to put down are coming to mind. Hmm.... perhaps tomorrow.

Anyhoos, will go and work on the chibi drawing that I told Mikey I would do. If I can get it to turn out right that is.... heh heh heh.... my drawing skill are kinda suffering as of late. Haven't been doing it much at all. We'll see just how well this goes. *sweatdrops*

Monday, December 22, 2003 - 09:39 p.m.

Change of layout! Yay!! ^_^

Hai hai, I know I'm back to Yunie. But hey... Yunie is fucking awesome!?!!

*coughs*

Anyhoos, I'm still tweaking the coding... this layout still kinda sucks, and isn't exactly to my liking... but it's still kinda pretty.

Anyhoos, if you missed any of my entries I've posted in the past few days you can go here to my last archived page.

Or you can scroll yer lazy bum towards the bottom of the page where I have the "Past Rants" to view any of my rants from when I first started this bloggie to now.

...I think a page is missing though.... will have to check into that. I might just be crazy.

Oh wait.... I AM crazy. Ha ha... oops, silly me.

Anyways.....

"And that as they say.... is that."

(Gods, doesn't that line just grate at you? Especially if you've played FFX? - Stupid Maechen old dude - Stupid long stories...)