Thursday, September 4, 2003 -- 07:51 a.m.

I'm coughing up a storm and my head hurts like no other. And to add to all that it's about 57 degrees outside and I don't really have any warm clothing to put on. So my sickness will no doubt just get worse.

If I actually understood the bus system I might actually get on that.... but since I have no clue, and I don't want to get lost out there somewhere in West Lafayette (the map inside my head only goes for inside the campus and not any farther) I'm not gonna.

Having watched Sailor Moon sometime in my life kinda saved me yesterday. The T.A. in japanese class wrote "atama" in hiragana up on the board and was like "What does this word mean?" I remember reading it to myself trying to figure out WHY this word sounded so familiar.... then it hit me. It was just a small part of a some what famous line of Mamoru-chan's. ^^;;;

I'm supposed to know about 117 new words in japanese by next week, and to tell the truth I only remember like 6? and that's only because I already knew them in the first place *sweatdrops immensely*

And it seems that the wheels are in motion and that my room mate has been talking to people about moving out.

Thank god.

Now my only questions is: How much longer!?!?"

   Wednesday, September 3, 2003 -- 06:25 p.m.

Ever since the "conflict conversation" she has been staying over in the room across the hall. (I personally feel sorry for them... now THEY have to put up with her)

So I've officially dropped the idea of EVER talking to her again, because I don't have time for little kid games of this degree.

I think she thinks that by not talking to me anymore or by never coming into the room at all anymore if possible when I'm in it, that she's some how getting back at me.

*twirls a finger* it just figures I have to get paired up with one of the most melodramatic persons on campus. -__-;;;

I wonder if she's gonna sleep on their futon again. *rolls eyes*

I didn't feel like cafeteria food, so I sat in my room and ate some lunchables. I think I'm still gonna be hungry later... but I'll have to deal with it. I'll just think of it as cutting back portions for better health and exercise... or something. All the walking to and from campus and around campus is good enough exercise for me for the day. Now I just gotta make sure I don't blow it and eat a bunch of weird stuff.

So far, I'm not doing the "freshman 15" or whatever they call it cause they say most freshman gain 15 pounds or something. Well, not me. Nyah nyah nyah~!

XDDD

I realized as I was writing out vocab cards for my japanese class that it was looking a lot like scribbles ^^;; I think I have what one might call "bad hand writing" in japanese. I'm developing my own style (sorta) when I write it... which I imagine, probably happens just like with the different ways english looks when people write it.

The call out for the Purdue Anime Club is tomorrow. Waaaaaai!! I iz excited! (I think this is the only thing here that's got me excited *quirks*) I just hope I can find the room. The place they hold the meeting is so WEIRD. Well... most of the building here are done WEIRD. And this is an engineering school. You'd think they could set things up a little bit more understandable than that. but oooooooooooooooooooh noooooooooooooooooooooo. Gotta confuse everybody. *sweatdrops*

I did my homework... except the one part to my japanese workbook pages where I have to listen and write down what I hear. I'm gonna have to do that when I can find some place QUIET.

*brands the word "QUIET" onto her room mate's forehead*

Do you think I'm trying to say something...?

Oh yeah... that's right. I DO need counselling and everything. *twitches*

I say send HER to counselling.... then she can talk her little heart out.

Damnit... now I'm cranky. Damn room mate.

*wonders how much longer she has to put up with her*

   Wednesday, September 3, 2003 -- 06:30 a.m.

And especially STUPID room mate. >=P

I'm not feeling very well today. And of course the day after the "conflict" has to be the day that I have nothing to do just about all day.

I have no idea what my room mate's schedule is. I thought I had a clue, but obviously I don't. (considering she's not the ONLY one who stays quiet) I only know for sure what days she gets up for a 7:30 class and which days she doesn't.

I wanna know how in the hell it got to be about 150 degrees to about freezing in less than a weekend. (Well, the temperstures now compared to what they were feel like freezing anyway)

AND I wanna know... now that my tired mind thinks about it... why at the "conflict seesion" all the fucking answers had to come from me? What is it with me always having to have the answer... or knowing just the thing to say to make things ALLLLLLLLLLLL better? They just sat there and STARED at me.

And secondly, I want to say, why was I being treated as if I was put on this campus for the sole purpose of relieving my room mate's personal lonliness?

I'd like to add that I am NOT my room mate's personal servant. I don't have anything to do with her being lonely. If she couldn't find something else to occupy her time then that's not my problem.

Yes, I suppose I could have talked to her more often... but I have this thing where about the same thing always happens to me everyday. What am I supposed to do? Go in and repeat myself everyday? That would just be tedious. And annoying.

And, it also kinda reminded me of way back when me and my nee-chan did that long RPG session... I was so... "eloquent" (i guess) with words. I could find something to say for most situations, and could find SOMETHING to say most of the time. Period.

It was even determined that I would be good on a debate team. O__o;;; But still.... I talked. (randomly at times - lol)

I don't believe I'm like that so much anymore. I guess I let a year and a half of being beat down on by people from school... I guess I finally let it get to me. And now I'm this loner. And I don't particularly care to be around people too much anymore.

Don't get me wrong.... yes I do get LONELY out here. And yes, I do like people to talk to me every once in a while. But it's not my lifeline like it is for my room mate. I don't always HAVE to have people to survive socially.

Sometimes I wish I could be that silly little creature I was a few short years ago... And I notice from time to time that that personality does show through occassionally. (Like when I worked with the Project Charlie kids) But nowadays.... I wonder if I'd have to force, what used to come so naturally to me...?

And if that's the case... that's really kinda depressing.

And now I wonder.... if the people in Ohio had that sort of personality I used to have to comfort them and make them feel better (and it used to work for me too - thus no voices ringing in the head) ... where is that person for me? Just this once...?

Perhaps the voice that likes to pop in my head quite often anymore.... maybe that's a voice of my past personality.... perhaps....

I don't know anything anymore. I'm tired... I'm sick.... and this college is just not home for me. I wish I would have had a college nearby so that I wouldn't be sitting here feeling this way right now.

Especially knowing that my stupid room mate is still cowering somewhere across the hall.

I think I might just find me something to occupy more of my time after classes today.

This room is just appalling to me now.

   Tuesday, September 2, 2003 -- 11:48 p.m.

It seems that instead of saying something to me (you know I'm just so scary like that) that she went straight to the R.A. and said we had issues.

Which we do. She's annoying and I stay quiet.

She can't live in QUIET. So.... Miss. Snot has decided to move out.

I basically just sat there through the whole 3 hour meeting. (my meeting with the R.A. was prolonged because that's when she wanted to know if I wants to go to the counseling center with her to get me some help -__-;;;)

Damnit, she's the lonely one. Why do *I* have to go through the god damned counseling!?!? Besides, I told her up front in the very beginning that I did QUIET things. Reading, writing, drawing, being on the computer.... QUIET things.

I don't feel the need to ALWAYS be talking to someone. I don't feel the need to ALWAYS have to have to have some sort of noise to not feel so "lonely". I can cope with being doing things by myself... I can cope with being alone.

My room mate can't.

that's why right now she is right now sleeping on the people's across the hall's futon. *quirks* My R.A. put me through this big talk about "going back there and communicating with her and sorting things out"

What does my room mate do? Goes across the hall to avoid me.

Goodie, goodie. One less annoying night, and the first night I won't get waken up by the HORSE. I even heard the people across the hall lock their door as if I was going to come across the hall in the middle of the night and attempt to kill my room mate or something.

*sighs* Right now.... I really HATE people.

And damnit... I HOPE TO GOD she really moves out.

   Tuesday, September 2, 2003 -- 05:01 p.m.

Isn't that something nice and sunny and bright to know? -__-;;;

And now I keep getting dogged by my R.A. because she never sees me talking or doing anything with my room mate. *quirks* Since our class schedules conflict and we never see each other anyway. That and I'm finding my room mate VERY annoying.

Over 50% chance tells me that I won't be commiting suicide... I'll be commiting MURDER. *steams*

My R.A. is also concerned because I don't show up to any of the parties and other such activities. One... the first time I had to walk down to campus and watch a film for my film class... gee wonder why I couldn't go. And then the second time, it was mud and sand volley ball and I didn't go because I had a quiz the following morning and I decided that it might be a tad bit more important to study for that than go and sit by myself watching a sport I don't particularly care for.

AND... I never was one to be too involved in much of anything. I've gone from literally being a people-person to a loner with the attitude of "just leave me the hell alone"

Disturbing...? possibly. but I'm so used to being alone now that people really tend to bother me. Especially when they start trying to plan activities such a way there's no excuse for me to miss them, even if I don't want to go.

"Meet new people and grow" my R.A. told me.

Yeah... whatever. Maybe some other time. My sociology teacher said on the first day of class that the problem with people is that they find too many other people just like themselves and then they don't want to accept anything any different. I have the exact OPPOSITE problem. I can't seem to find ANYONE like me.

And sometimes... having absolutely NO ONE that understands you and how you think... is damn right depressing.

Some days I think that I'll never find anyone else remotely like me.

... But then sometimes I remember I DO have a twin sis that I'm similiar too... but it doesn't help that she's so far awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. wah. *pouts in a whiny type way*

...I think I need a hug...

   Monday, September 1, 2003 -- 06:38 p.m.

Spent the weekend with family, where I got picked on (of course) and where there was many debates on whether or not there was any hope left for me. *quirks*

My parents are convinced I'm going to end up becoming this huge animation studio owner, type person and they have told me that they'd be my janitors. Others in my family have also decided positions for which they would work for me. *raises a brow* I've only been here a week and already i'm supposedly hiring people. oy ve.

I went to the campus bookstore that's right across the street from my dorm to pick up a "optional" helping reference book for my math class... because once again I have a teacher that can't teach math very well. He seems to know what he's doing. But it's obviously not getting through to me. I open the book... and it's not too much better. It goes through all the odd numbered problems in the book and shows you the answers and what step they did to get that answer without explaining it to you.

yeah... that helps. If only I didn't SUCK at rationals and radicals and other such thing of the sort.

And I don't know what I could have ate this weekend... but I'm not feeling good.... maybe it was something else? I just hope I'm not getting sick. I have a 15 minute trek to campus every morning repeated then at the end of the day... some days several times a day.

I tell you, if all the walking and stairs doesn't get rid of those unwanted pounds nothing will, ne? ^^;;; After only 2 weeks my parents when they picked me up on friday said they could already tell a difference and that I had started to lose some of the pudge.

O__o;;; my parents thought i was pudgy

Hell, *I* think I'm pudgy.

Chibi's Roommate: *enters room holding out a bag* Wanna fortune cookie?
Chibi: O__o;; What the-? *looks at the big bag full of fortune cookies*
Roommate: Oh, my friend owns a resturant... *blinkblinks*
Chibi: o__o;;; Er,... ok? *takes one*
Roommate: *leaves to bother other people*

Chibi's fortune? A good time to finish up old tasks.

K'sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.... do you guys have ANY idea how many things that is!?!? *falls over*

I have enough college stuff as it is!!! *whiiiiiiiiiiine*

(could I just consider THAT 'old tasks'...?)

*ponders on this*

   Thursday, August 28, 2003 -- 10:56 a.m.

I've just gotten back from my jap class... and all I have to say is... RUN AWAY!!! RUN AWAY!!!!

*seeps into a puddle* The first week here isn't even finished... and I think the one guy in my class REALLY likes me. *the Chibi puddle simmers and bubbles*

Yesterday, out of all the ten thousands of seats.... he sits by me. Then he starts discussing the tiny desks we had to sit in. *quirks* I'm not positive... because I'm not entirely too bright on this subject... but I think he wasn't looking exactly at my desk or HIS when he was discussing... um, things.... with me. *blinkblinks* I'll let you try to figure out that meaning.

Anyhoo, today as we're standing out in the hall waiting for the class before us to dismiss so we could go in and sit down.... here he comes again. *puddle seeps into the ground* He just ambles up and starts talking to me again.

(I'm not too sure but I don't think he was very happy when I sat on the opposite side of the room from him. *quirks* I just sat down. I wasn't intentionally trying to stay away him.... really. *blinks*)

After class (because in jap class I have to pay attention to the teacher or fall behind -__-;;;) I'm walking back towards the dorms and there he was.... AGAIN. O__o;;; Only this time he just kinda smiled and waved at me.

*sniffles* waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! College people are weird!!!!

*forgets to even think that she TOO is a "college people" but her sub-conscious decides to ignore that little fact*

Anyway, I guess I'll enjoy the hour that's left of my lunch break before making the 15 minute walk back to campus. (technically we have a "city bus system" that circles campus... but I don't understand the route maps that they give you... and those said buses have tried to run me over on more than one occasion... so I do not TRUST said buses. That and I feel I'm lazy and must work off the pudge. - it's working a little... if I'd stop drinking so much pop he process would probably go a little faster. *sweatdrops*)

   Wednesday, August 27, 2003 -- 08:20 p.m.

Went to class. Came back. Did nothing.

Well, actually I did my math homework. That was some pretty exciting stuff let me tell you. *coughcough* Although I was happy to find that my parents sent me 3 birthday cards. One from my mom, one from my dad, and then the third from my cat. ^___^

My cat loves me. You all should be jealous.

And then I was finally able to pick up my package that arrived yesterday for my birthday. A box filled with pocky, popcorn, fruit snacks and the best 2 movies in the world.

And a message from my mom's friend's cat. *raises a brow* they sent my payment for taking care of Sunny and Lily in there too.

The birthday cards highly amuse me. Of course, it doesn't take much to amuse me anymore, when it comes to someone i know ^^;; the card from my mom says:

A Birthday question: Are we getting older and wiser?
Open the card to read:
Or is everyone else getting younger and stupider? Happy Birthday!

XD ...I've had a few discussions with my mom about that very subject. We'd be in the mall and we'd see some kids that were definitely younger than me and they would be doing and saying the STUPIDEST things. I had to wonder if it was because I'm more mature now.... or if the younger generations are really getting that bad. (It's probably a combination of the two)

Now, the card from my dad says:

I could never forget the birthday of someone as charming, kind, thoughtful, understanding, warm, interesting, intelligent, and attractive as you are!
Open the card to read:
Why, it would be like forgetting my own! Happy (18th) Birthday!

Suck up. He's still trying to make-up for when he forgot and misplaced my birthday last year... lol

The card that's supposed to be from my precious baby boo kitty is the funniest... it has a photo of a slightly disgruntled cat on the front that has a party hat drawn onto it's head... it says:

Happy Birthday! From Boo Boo (That last part was written in by my dad)
You open the card to then read:
Can I take this damn thing off my head now?
Then my dad drew a paw print and wrote: "Meow Meow Meow Meow Meow (P.S. - Do you have any extra kibble?)

XDDDDDDDDD!!! - I call my cat's food kibble, after the dog food "Kibbles 'n Bits". I would always go over to my kitties bowl and rattle the bag going "Kibble kibble kibble!" and Boo kitty would ALWAYS come running. LOL - She's a fat cat no matter HOW many times we try to put her on a diet. She just got a lot o' pudge.

KIBBLE!!! XDDDDDDDD

Ok, so at least *I* was amused. I don't know about you guys. *blinks at the compie screen*

Wah! I miss my kitties!!!

And hee hee hee! because tomorrow is is my japanese lab class with Ohashi-sensei! She is the cutest little japanese woman I have ever met. Especially when she jumps up and down wailing "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaai!!!" =D

*seeps into a puddle* I took my first japanese quiz today. I dun wanna faaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil!!!

Oh, and the above statement MIGHT come true because my other japanese intructor Ikeda-sensei decided to attempt to tell us that he really sucks badly at english. *quirks* How's a dude that can barely speak english supposed to teach a class of people who doesn't know japanese at all or very little?

*blinks rapidly* My class just might be in trouble....

   Tuesday, August 26, 2003 -- 03:06 p.m.

Yeah.... right.

I'm glad to see that only my parents remembered me out here in nowhereville and actually told me happy birthday. everyone else around here... just doesn't really care. All my other friends...? *crickets chirp*

Feel the love.

I know some of them are busy.... but still... SOMEONE... at SOME point could have sent me a little letter.... a "hey howaya doin'?" or actually REPLY to my emails *fumes at a few people* But hey, I like the "by myself in nowhereville"..... no problem. *wonders if the sarcasm has become apparent yet*

So, after basically spending the day where I can officially buy cigarettes and I'm finally considered an adult in society, I get to spend it all by myself.

I even specially walked down to the union and got lunch... by myself.

And I always imagined my 18th being a bit more.... I dunno.... happy maybe?

I mean, nothing happened on my "sweet 16" and now I get screwed out of my 18th too. I guess my 21st would be the next "big one" but I'll still be here, so that one will get screwed over too.

I have such happy birthdays.

Actually, I can't remember the last time I was actually HAPPY on my birthday. for over a decade I've been spending my birthdays fullfilling obligations for other people. And darn it, I want one year to be able to be SELFISH on my ACTUAL birthday.

That's it... that's my forever birthday wish until it comes true.

The likeliness of THAT ever happening would be.... uh, never?

(I'm so optimistic, aren't I?)

So here's a special version of the birthday song for myself... that I just came up with on the top of my head:

Happy birthday to me,
Happy birthday to me,
I'm by myself and really lonely,
And still have a class at 6:30!

Ok... so it kinda flowed.... but that pretty much sums it up. My parents sent me something overnight mail yesterday. But knowing the stupid mailing system here I'll see it sometime next month.

Oh, and the weather forcast here?

Hot with the 99.99% chance of it getting hotter.

not only that, but I have to find the time to learn and memorize the first fifteen hiragana symbols by tomorrow. We went over them for the first time today... and we get a quiz over it tomorrow.

(I think most of the other people in my class took jap at their high school... so I'm a little behind in the times as far as writing goes)

Here's to hoping I don't fail this semseter! *raises her imaginary wine glass*

   Sunday, August 24, 2003 -- 03:17 p.m.

Are you taking this survey right now? (Mark only ONE answer below)

-____-;;; if that would have been on there... that would have been the most intelligent thing on it.

I. Kid. You. Not.

Then after the survey, since I was in the vacinity anyway, I went in search of my classes. I figured it might be a good idea to know where they would be before I have to go to them.... like... uh, tomorrow? ^^;;;

I did pretty well with finding the buildings. And I didn't do so bad with finding the rooms. But one of the buildings wouldn't even let me in O__o;; I hope I can get in the door tomorrow. My last class is in that building, and it would relieve my poor little heart to know that I could actually get to class.

At least tomorrow is basically a "half-day" as my mom calls it. My first class is at 7:30am and then my last class ends at 11:20am, leaving me the rest of the day to manage to find my way home and do whatever.

I'm going to have to do laundry though, band camp took out a lot of my clothes. Well, more of my tops than bottoms. When I go home for the weekend next week my mom is taking me shopping since there are "really good sales going on" (I wouldn't know ^^;;;) that and its hella hot here.... and all I own is basically pants.

Today's temperature hasn't been so bad though. Today felt normal compared what it was earlier in the week. Now I get to sit back and blow raspberries at the band people as they burn and bleed out in the scorching sun. Ha, band people... feel my wrath!!! Muwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

*coughs* I'm not bitter... nope, not me! ^_~

I hope tomorrow goes ok.... My worst day is Tuesday... my schedule is hella screwy that day... and of course, Tuesday is my birthday. Why not? I like hella screwy on my birthday.

I tried to go shopping for my one friend. She's a senior in high school who wants to come to Purdue very badly next year. I told her I'd get her a big package of things that had Purdue on them. *sweatdrops* the cheapest thing they have here is like $4... and what I WANT to get her would seriously deplete my funds. But, if I don't I'll feel bad.

Problems have I.

I'll figure out something... I usually do.

...I think?

   Saturday, August 23, 2003 -- 02:45 p.m.

A band nerd who isn't even good enough to be in the band. Something doesn't quite fit.

My section leader couldn't even tell me. The pansy. She sent her little assistant on me. She was supposed to tell me why I wasn't choosen. And let me tell you... it doesn't make any sense at all. Here's what she said (other than "god I hate this... this is the worst part" every other word):

"First of all you are a strong player. And you've managed to get the marching 8 to 5 very well. Obviously not perfect, because no one does it perfectly. But what we noticed was that you couldn't march and play..."

*raises a brow* It seems very contradictory to me. Especially since I CAN play and march at the same time. So basically they cut me... just because.

God, I feel so loved here. -__-;;;

So since yesterday I've been sitting in my dorm doing absolutely nothing because I'm cool like that. Also because I have absolutely no friends here... still... and I'm tired of walking around and doing things by myself.

Now I'm almost looking forward to all my homework so I actually have something to fill up my time and forget that I'm stranded out here in moronville. I swear I've never seen a state so full of themselves as Indiana. I'm just praying there are people in the state that are actually nice. @__@;;; At least... I haven't run into any of them yet.

Well, I'm depressed again. I'm a loser and right now my mom is trying to convince me otherwise. Good luck to her.

   Wednesday, August 20, 2003 -- 11:18 p.m.

I have one more day of band camp. I swear I'm getting even worse everyday. And it doesn't help that I oveheat faster than anything... and very easily too, so I've really been dying out under the burning sun. Good thing there's only one more day of it... and tomorrow it's suppose to rain. *crosses fingers*

Tomorrow is also the last of the evaluations.... we get scrutinized one final time before they all go home and draw names out of a hat, and decide who's in and who's not.

ANNNNNNNNNNNND it's announced in front of the WHOLE band.... sio if you don't make it.... you get to cry in front of everyone. x.x;;;

Friday, I'll find out if I slaved and killed myself for nothing or not. Knowing my luck I'll end up as an alternate or something, and alternates are nothing more than glorified band aides. I wouldn't even be able to challenge for a spot as a regular. They set up a group challenge type thing before every new game and then the staff would decide if any of the regulars would be switched with the alternates.

Supposedly, every alternate becomes a regular at least once. But I've never really had much luck... so I'm probably screwed. *sweatdrops*

*whines* I'm REALLY sore.... stuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid high step marching.... stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid section leaders and Stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid fight songs that are faster than my legs can take me and then the upperclassmen are usually turned around waving and yelling "catch up! catch up!" -___-;;;

i caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan't.... very well. ^^;;

Well, my room mate is in here with her boyfriend watching Breakfast at Tiffany's.... and I really should get to bed because I went to bed earlier than this last night and overslept because I was so tired. (I turned my alarm off after I had "safely" waken up before it went off and thought "Ohhh.... just 5 more minutes!" *quirks* 5 minutes turned into oh.... 30. *sweatdrops* I'm just glad I made it time anyway.

One more day..... just one more day....

   Tuesday, August 19, 2003 -- 12:19 p.m.

I really just wanna go home.

I'm by myself most of the time. I'm not even going and eating anything because I don't want to eat all by myself. Besides, no one in there would want to talk to me anyway... no one else has wanted to so far.

everybody else already knows somebody simply because either they're from around here or some of them came from the same school.

I don't think I'm going to survive.

I'm so fucking depressed, I could leap out a window... but I wouldn't because.... I just wouldn't I guess.

Well, it back to Hell camp... I mean Band Camp. (The people there don't make me feel very welcome either)

I think I'm gonna go cry some more... that's the only thing I can manage to do anymore...

   Sunday, August 17, 2003 -- 08:12 p.m.

My room mate's out doing some sort of Orientation thing... I'd be doing that too if it wasn't for the fact that I'm in the band camp thingy.

-__-;;; I also had to send out emergency emails telling some people about how I was given the wrong campus address.... so I have (hopefully) emailed EVERYONE i had emailed before about that stuff with the new CORRECT address.

(I'm sure they would have found me eventually... but oops...?)

But one thing's for sure man.... this room creeps me out. There's barely anyone here, but it's been kinda nousy and I'm not used to a bunch a people being around anymore @__@;;; I've been jumping at every little thing. It's kind of a sad and funny sight to see I would imagine. ^^;;

And for everyone's hearing pleasure.... here's my good buddy Al (if he knew I put this up he'd probably kill me XD) singing his version of the survivor theme song. (Survivor's his fav. show) Al's Survivor Theme Song!

Laugh it up! ... or maybe it's just the people from my school who think it's funny!! ^^;;

   Friday, August 15, 2003 -- 12:33 a.m.

I haven't been feeling very well at all these past few days. Stress and frayed nerves could describe me. Moving is part of it... being abandoned out in the wild indiana frontier to fend for myself could also be apart of it... but mostly I think its my mother... and all of my fathers lectures. *rubs throbbing temples*

Well, updates as to what I've been doing other than becoming a complete and utter nervous wreak ^^;;

All this week I've been given the job of drive done the street (Well, 2 if you want to be "technical") and feed my mom's work friend's cats. And believe me when I tell you this... they are both Siamese... and they could be best described as having "Duo and Heero personalities" I kid you not. The one's name is Sunny... and rightfully so. He's the sunniest, happiest, most talkative thing you could ever lay your eyes on. And everyday when I walk through the door, he gives me a kitty-versioned-glomp. ^^;;; and then proceeds to talk his head off. The other cat's name is Lily. She's moody and gives off a glare that could and WOULD rival that of a signature Heero Yuy death glare. She has never meowed once.. and the one day I guessed I pissed her off because she swatted at me and hissed. (I interpreted this as the same as Heero pulling out his gun and saying "Omae o korosu!!!") I think I'm wearing her down though.... I've been picking on her everyday trying to get her to lighten up.... I think its kinda working. She keeps trying to ignore me, but I'll be darned if I'll give up. She even turned and curled up in a ball, with her back facing me today as if to say "I'm sooooooooooo ignoring you." but that didn't phase me either.

Other than that, had to scream for my life today as some random guy in a huge truck decided that he wanted to play chicken with me on the road and then swerve away at the last minute. It was so.... uncool.

And the nearby mall was screaming with people today. (I wasn't actually there but I know it was... I was kinda in the vacinity of the mall) they had "American Idol" auditions going on. Gee, if only they would have been a week and a half later... I coulda tried out too! *fake dramatic pout*

*feels kinda smart* I went out and bought Silent Hill 3 (i was listening to the soundtrack earlier) and I can't believe that I picked up on an important idea of the game JUST from the cover. Its something you wonder about... and probably aren't told for sure unless you get a particular ending. Well, hell, I KNOW you have to get a particular ending to find it out because I cheated and read the script off someone's site. But hey! At least my ideas were confirmed. I feelz sooo mart now! (yes mart... not smart.... its a you woulda had to of known one of my history teachers to understand thing)

Welp, I have a lot of packing to do tomorrow so I should go... this will most likely be it from me for at least a week my band camp is from 8:30am to 9:30pm all next week and I have a feeling I'm gonna be too tired to get online. I hope all the nonexistant people out there will me. -__-;;;

   Friday, August 8, 2003 -- 11:01 p.m.

Been doing last-minute shopping..... I'm packing at the fast rate of a snail (LOL) and trying to keep my sanity. (My parents thought it would be cool that they be extra annoying during my last week, so as to get on my nerves as much as they can before I leave. *quirks*)

Anyhoo, I'm trying to brush up the pic I drew for the next layout for me bloggie. Hee Hee. It'll be very non-Final Fantasy and no more Yuna. Although I love her dearly and have enjoyed having her be apart of my bloggie's background for the past ... uh... 8 months? A new change of pace is in order.

Um, what else... what else... other than the basic stuff I guess the only other thing I'm doing is going through a bunch of stuff.... papers, disks, files....stories.... RPGS... pics.... various things that lay about in my room and computer. I'm currently having my own self crying party over the various things I find and see and read as I do so. Hell, maybe I'm more sentimental than I thought I was. That and some of the fics I've read are just so damn depressing! ;__;

I've also been contemplating for about a month on writing a letter to someone.... but I can never seem to do it. I guess... I'm just afraid of the outcome. That, and the things I want to say.... just to seem to be fair. I guess I'll most likely keep it to myself... other than what I've talked about it here. Just a normal thing I do anymore.... keep everything to myself that is.

Well, I'm still got much to go through.... and I need to slowly go into my depressed state of mind about leaving my "comfort area" known as my home area. I'm so pathetic somethimes ^^;;; I guess I really don't get "depressed".... but it is a little sad.... To a point.

Welp, so much to do... not much time to do it in (yesh, usually its the other way around ^^;;;)

Oh, um... MD-chan, I'm hoping to be able to send you a little package through snail mail sometime early next week. I've been putting some things together throughout my free moments, and found some things I thought you appreciate. Some of them I meant to send you long ago, but I'm very dense about the postal system. I'll have to go out and seek some help. ^^;;; I'll try to let you know if and when I get to send it so that you'll be ready and kinda keeping an eye out for it. (Hoping that is, that you're around at that time.... since I'm not very up -to-date with your schedule anymore)

Gee, I guess I could have sent an email... but I suppose that will do. I just hope she still remembers me, and actually still checks here! ^^;;; *snuggles her MD*

Anyhoo... I'm out (...of muh head)!!! Don't know when I(or my mind) will be back again!

   Saturday, August 2, 2003 -- 10:58 p.m.

It pisses my parents off. But they're not doing anything about it. And its not like I really have anything of much importance to do anyway. (That's the local bum for ya ^^)

Anyhoo, the few waking hours that I do spend out of my bed are still spent in my room, but its going through and throwing things away and cleaning up. I have a few small piles left... but I really haven't felt like doing them, and my mother can threaten me all she wants.... I'll do it we I gosh darn well feel like it. :P

Sometime tomorrow I'm suppose to be going to a picnic full of absolute strangers. *blinks* It's a Prdue thing or something.... my father tells me that this way it'll let me meet some of the people from around here that'll be going through the same thing I'm going to be doing.

Except the thing is, it's supposed to possibly rain. (Like it's donw nothing else all the past month - LOL) But, I actually hopes it pours so I don't have to go. Oddly enough, I've never really liked picnics. Well, at least the ones I've been to thus far anyway. Im sure there are some worthwhile picnics out there... ^^;;

I have two weeks left... then I'm gone. It's time for me to start settleing into the school time blues. For it's the only time of year I have to be truely responsible and dedicated. *sigh* I need mor downtime... if only I could stretch out summer break.... x.x;;;

   Sunday, July 27, 2003 -- 04:04 a.m.

I'd go to bed... but my parents decided that they want my room cleaned.... like NOW... so yesterday afternoon they barge in my room and pick up all my stuff that's scattered around the floor and piled it all on my wee lil bed.

Meaning... if I wanna sleep I either clean my bed, thus cleaning the mess.... or I sleep on the floor.

(I'd sleep on the floor if it wasn't for the fact that muh house is invaded by insects of all kinds... especially ants... and I'd rather they not crawl all over me as I slept. *shivers* NOT a pleasant sleeping thought!)

I'm almost done... but now my one kitty has decided to overtake my bed, so I'm yet put back to square one.

All this and I'm planning on driving out tomorrow.... on little sleep.... on highways, intersections and very busy roads.

Pretty smart, huh?

But anyhow, I had to go through and sort out my game stuff... muh anime stuffs... and other DVD/VHS things. I ended up with a big thing of Dragonball X and Sailor Moon... not to mention Gundam Wing.... Gundam 0083.... my X "boxset" (well... kinda....), and Gatekeepers 21.

Gatekeepers 21.... a short OVA sequel... but fascinating all the same.

I'm also starting to wonder if I'm just bored with the .hack games.... or if I just dun like 'em.

And on other news, I played Silent Hill 2.... successfully danced around the pansy Pyramid Head guys... and then proceeded to get the ending where James kills himself.

x.x;;;

Man... I really drove him over the edge, huh? O_o;;;

And for some odd reason I've been having this really bad urge to buy something new. A game a DVD a book... i dunno.... but I've been getting bored.

I guess that happens when I don't go and socialize, huh?

I think its a people don't like me and I don't really like them type relationship.

<.< Other than the imaginary people that my mom swears are gawking at me. *rolls eyes heavenward*

Fact is, as you most likely know.... I have very very very VERY low self-esteem and confidence in myself. I have yet to convince anyone, much less myself any different. I think it'll just have to stay that way.... which could be bad as my dad was comparing my life situation with the guy Rudy.

Only similarities I see is he wanted in Notre Dame and kept failing and kept failing, until of corse at long lst he made it. Me? I was rejected from the School of Technology... again and again and again. *raises a brow* I find that amusedly ironic. My dad went on one of his raves about having to prove myself

*waves a mini-flag* woo..go me.

I think not being able to go to sleep has made me really irritable... in fact i KNOW it has... I'm really usually very optimistic... compared to probably most of the things I've written here. ^^;;; Um... just kinda think of Goku when he's REALLY in one of his friendly, optimistic - "I can do anything!" moods and you have me.... kinda. ^^;;;

   Friday, July 25, 2003 -- 01:30 a.m.

*sighs* all the stuff I'm suppose to be doing before I leave and I haven't done a lick of it. I only have less than a month. -__-;;; I'm not a very good self-motivator, can ya tell?

Hm.... *checks her list* Let's see... practice for band audition.... *looks and sees her instrument collecting a pile of dust in a corner* uhhh... get in shape.... *glances down at her pudginess - quirks* er.... clean room *sweatdrops at her stacks of things as tall as herself are scattered with somewhat visable paths running throughout it* and erm.... start packing *sweatdrops multiply as she realizes all her stuff is in a big heap collecting and growing in her parents room due to lack of space in her own*

x.x;;; kill me.... kill me now. If not, I'm sure catching up with all my stuff surely will do the job.

Or my class schedule will... I'm only scheduled for a 18 credit hour worth of classes for this semester. I've been recieving a lot of O_____________O!!! for this.... I think that this just might be a bad thing. But my advisor said that this was only going to be for like a week or less since I needed to find out what class I'd be dropping.

So, if I make band I'd probably drop Reading Comprension. *quirks* A class for people for have problems reading. *blinks* Funnily enough my advisor who had only just met me at the time couldn't figure out why the damned school signed me up for it, since according to my records I had no need to be in there. She suggested I drop that one.

I think I agree.

Otherwise, if I fail *pulls out self-destruction switch that still managed to be hiding in one of her pockets* I.... I'll just have to drop band and be done with it. Then later go out and go BOOM!!! *gets a Heero-ish look about her she hasn't had in way over a year* hee hee hee...

*WHAP!!* Ite!! *rubs abused head* Who did that!?!

*has a strange feeling she already knows the answer to this question*

   Thursday, July 24, 2003 -- 05:05 a.m.

Not tired really. Must be on a pocky high.

Yosh, I convinced my dad to show me how to get to Jungle Jim's.... got there and immediately headed for the Asian section, and grabbed every kind of pocky they had.

I think I scared some of the customers in the store.... but hey, I wanted muh pocky! XD

I managed to reduce and get only 4 packages of it.

I got a little over protective perhaps when my parents decided they wanted to see what was so good about "this pucky stuff anyway" (They were calling it PUCKY! x.x;;)

In the end... they got hooked on the stawberry. I guess they realized pocky is good stuff after all. (At least I've managed to convince them of something!)

And after refusing to go and seek further instruction for my band camp. (The guy wasn't telling me anything that I didn't know, and he was making me do what I was already doing in the first place, I didn't see the point.) I get a long talk from my dad about "Do I really want to be in the band, or did I feel like he was forcing me?" and "It's not fair to the man to waste his time and not tell him this and that and the other...."

What about wasting *MY* time? O__o;;;

Especially since I wasn't even the one who set these meetings up. All I know was my dad was talking on the phone and the next thing I knew I had these out of the blue appointments. And now my parents give me these looks like I'm the worst person alive. And now I feel all bad because I had to tell him we couldn't continue, and when he said "ok" he sounded like an abused puppy.

*OVERFLOWING guilt*

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!

*seeps down into a puddle*

   Tuesday, July 22, 2003 -- 11:14 p.m.

The opponents? Me vs. Mom

The reason? Hell if I know.

Today's fight's sponsors were: Suncoast, the only store in close proximity that offers EXCELLENT anime selection, Waldens Books, for the only store around with a somewhat eye-pleasing selection of manga (around here anyway), and lastly Jungle Jim's International Market, get your stock of pocky today!

*quirks* Ok, so it rounds down to this.... my dad and I have always had this "fake fight" thing going on. Occasionally for no reason at all one or both of us takes on a parody of a boxing stance and make false swings at each other making the random comments about "getting it in the 'chops chops'" *shrugs* It's one of my dad's things.

Anyway, I took the stance, except this time my mom decided she needed attention and jumps in front of me and whaps me a good one. (Which for the strength of my mother, one could barely feel it) Moving on.... for reason unknown to man, no matter what my mother says or does to me, I can never bring myself to defend myself properly.... so, if she decided to come one day, corner me and beat me shitless, I probably wouldn't even block her in fear of "hurting my mother". (Funnily enough.... she actually HAS done this, and I did act as I've said)

Anyway, I've wanted nothing more than to smack my mother for years. But my principles disallow me, so I barely baby tapped her back.

......

She actually screamed saying that I "hurt her".

*raises a brow* I barely grazed her.

Anyway, she takes another swing, and I baby tapped her back. As soon as I did, she gets this furious look on her face and yell at me that I'm "hitting too hard".

*coughs* Beg pardon, but she was hitting a hella lot harder than I.

Anyway, the tapping goes by and then the next thing I know she smacked me hard enough that it actually had a sting to it. (Left fingers marks too)

I smacked her back a little bit harder than what I had been, and then she started to continually accuse me of abusing her. *rolls eyes heavenward* All the while this is happening, my dad has just been standing there watching this exchange, amused by the annoyance I was probably showing, and the amount of control it was taking me not to smack her from kingdom come. Principles you see.

As my mom started to leave the room whining, I went up to my dad and whapped him no harder than I had my mom and asked if that hurt. He looked at me for a moment and then went into a show of "agonizing pain" (or in other words, he was basically making fun of my mother's wimpiness) My mom calls out that I hit her harder than that at which I rolled my eyes (Me? .... roll my eyes!?! ... NEVER!)

I did find satisfaction in the matter when I walked into the room she was sitting in and found her pouting, shaking her hand she'd been hitting me with, talking about how her hand hurt... stung.... whatever the hell she said.

Maybe it was bad of me... but when I saw this I was standing right in front of her, I pointed laughed and called her "Wimpy" and then left her as her pout began to grow.... as did her complaints.

...You know... I really do believe one of these days when its a bad day.... bad mood.... whatever... she'll catch me wrong and I'll end up letting her have it.

*sighs* But other than that I must remember to join md-chan's board as I said I would. Sometimes laziness just kicks in.

   Tuesday, July 15, 2003 -- 12:29 a.m.

But hell, there's no stores open anyway.... so um.... well, actually there's THREE stores that I know of that's still open.... Walgreens, Wal-Mart, and Meijers.... But I'm not leaving at this very moment in the dead of night to go after it.

I can wait.

....maybe.

Anyhoo, I'm on a book hunt (several in fact) AND while I was playing FFVII last night miracles of miracles happens! My writer's block has lifted. *beams* I've felt so creative I could just cry.

I realize I've said this many a times before that I was writing. but I still had blockage. I even have pic ideas to go for furture parts. Hee Hee Hee

Anyhoo, it just so happens that this particular fic is based on no other... than Final Fantasy VII! The inspirer! And I've even chosen a name for it: Torn

I could cry... I can NEVER come up with suitable titles. But this one... YAY!

All this plus various other projects are fully on their way officially starting tomorrow. (*crosses fingers and hopes anyway*)

That and that way my left arm will have recovered with it's run-in with the case of 10,000 Needles. *twitches* I SWEAR my mother loves to see me get shots. (Ironically she couldn't handle getting a shot if her life depended in it, but when all these "optional" shots were brought up for me, she literally giggled in delight and signed me up.

Her explanation? "Well, it's not ME getting the shot, now is it?"

*eyes twitches slightly* She just better be glad that I have no problems with getting shots. =P

That's my mother rant for the day. She's been gone for the past three days so it was literally peace on earth.... and for once I didn't have to gulp down a bottle of tylenol to get through the day. Oh well, it was too good to last anyway.

Oh! Bloggie updates! I've come up with an idea for new layout, hopefully if my scanner decides to work and god willing I actually draw half-way decent *crosses her fingers* So that'll hopefully be changing. And I've added links to past entries down at the bottom, in case you missed any and you just couldn't live without knowing!

(Er... yeah... Rii~ght.)

Anyhoo, I believe that's all. Loves to all! *muah*