*It's Difficult...* ::Cruel Honesty:: ~v1.0

Tuesday, June 10, 2003 -- 08:19 p.m.

I think i'm sick or something =P i haven't been able to eat anything for a couple of days. I was hoping to lose some pounds this summer, but i didn't think i'd be unvoluntarily starving myself to death. @_@ It's not like I HAVEN'T tried eating, but no matter what i eat I get violently ill not too soon afterwards, so I eventually kinda stopped eating.

*sighs*

Thing is I don't feel like anything's wrong or anything. But I probably won't be seeing a doctor either because my mother never believes that I'm capable of being sick. *rolls eyes* I'm not exactly invincible, ya know?

Anyway, i'm slowly working on content for my new site/"project" but since my parents are insisting on me getting a job, i don't know how much time between then and till the end of the summer i'll have if and when i get a job. Depends all on my hours i suppose.

Other than that, I set myself on a side mission. I came across a site (probably one of several) where they make cosplay costumes... where they charge like.... $200 some dollars. *quirks a brow* Ok, whatever... but sorry, some of those costumes could look a whole lot better for that kind of money. Anyway... i went out figured up what materials it would take for me to create one of these things on my own. Grand total.....

$50.... give or take a few

I even wanted to go out and buy the materials and attempted to make it myself. *sweatdrops* but my father yelled the crap outta me saying "What in the hell would you want to spend $50-100 for absolutely nothing for!?!"

O__O

I RARELY ever spend my money. Never have the need to. So now since he's heard about this he believes that he should be worried about me over-spending when i move away for college.

-___-;;; I'm thinking, i rarely spend money now, do ya think that i'm randomly going to develop the habit just because i wont be residing at home anymore? Hell, i'd probably be too afraid to run out of money. O__o;;;

But anyway.... whatever. That's my random rant about absolutely nothing. ^^;;;

Saturday, June 7, 2003 -- 10:39 p.m.

My saying for today would be: "I can see your lips moving but all I hear is: BITCH BITCH BITCH BITCH!!!"

x.x;;; GODS if my mom bitches anymore... one of us is gonna die...*slightly steams*

Oh, on a not-so-violent note *sweatdrops* I do believe my new creation is going along quite nicely... "in theory" anyway... most of my stuff is written down, just not coded and put onto the web.

*___* Gods I want it to be winter just it'll be closer time for FFX-2 to come to the states *dies* Could I be anymore of a Final Fantasy freak? LOL - although that's not a bad thing, but I've downloaded and binged on a bunch of FFX-2 stuff... especially the intro movie x.x!!! I'm trying not to dig in too much I dun wanna ruin it before I even get the chance to play it. It's just too bad that I can't play the imported version... and even if I could... I couldn't read any of it anyway.... I'll just have to suffer a little longer I suppose.

Speaking of Final Fantasy I never would have been into this full hardy as I am if it wasn't for two people... 1.) my brother the video game screamer (you beat him - you die... you learn to just do well enough to give good enough competition... but to slip just enough that he ALWAYS wins *shrugs*) I sat and watched him play FFVII from the day he got it til... heck I dunno... BUT! the main and most important reason... 2.) CLOUD!!! Yeah baby! XD I wanted to play that game so bad just from sitting and watching CLoud as he progressed through the game (the bits and pieces that I caught anyway) He was the reason I got in trouble because I stole my brother's playstation just to play the game. Cloud started my obsession.

I haven't gotten to all of the games yet... but a good collection of them... let's see Final Fantasy, FF2, FF7-10, Final Fantasy Tactics... *thinkies thinkies thinkies* Oh I dunno... but let's just say 7 is my favorite with 10 right behind it. And only because they were the only two Final Fantasy games out of the set to make me cry. *grins sheepishly* that's kind of bad because I NEVER cry... well, not since I saw Titanic in the movie theatres 6-8 years ago and cried... and then got made fun of by some guys in the theatre -__-;;; I've never cried for anything since.... funerals included. I absolutely refuse to. *quirks* That's kind of sad now that I think of it. I've come to realize over the years though, that most of the things that I believe about myself has come from things people have told me in the past.... Examples like:

Back when I was like 4-5 years old I was in a dance type state competition... just before I got on and performed my mom decided to give me some advice: "Now don't go out there thinking you're going to be one of the ones to get a trophy... cause you won't. You're only gonna get a ribbon at best." *quirks* Ri~ght. No, "Do your best honey" No, "Just go out and have fun, don't worry about the judges" *sighs* Needless to say, I *DID* prove her wrong... I did get a first place trophy... but ever since.... I've always been #2. Maybe I mentally hold myself back.... who knows. But I've never been the best at anything ever since.

Example 2:

This one came from my brothers... My aunt had just moved out to St. Louis, and we went out during spring break to go and visit... check things out. I was in sixth grade at the time, I do believe... Anyway, she had internet on her computer... AOL to be more exact, we had it too, but I was the only one not allowed to have a screen name in my family at the time *rolls eyes at her parents* Anyhoo, my aunt out of pity created a name for me on her account, so I was on her one laptop searching the net... my brothers were logged onto her other laptop on their screen name. Well, to make a long story short I heard them saying awful things and laughing and the next thing I knew I had this email from them including all these things I had heard them say... Things anout how I was fat and ugly and other such demeaning things. Now at the time I was 11 years old... about 4'10" (if that) and maybe around 80 some odd pounds.... being told by my older brothers what a hideous creature I was. *blinks oddly* I don't think I've looked at myself the same since to tell the truth...

*sighs* I've had many of those same such experiences. And I have many who can't understand why I have such a "bad attitude" and "why don't you have more confidence in yourself?" Maybe it has something to do with always being told you're not good enough since you were a child?

Naaaaaaah... I mean why would something like THAT change the image of a child? *rolls eyes*

You know... I think I've finally figured out why i'm so damn sarcastic now.

*makes a face* Damnit, and I was finally in a good mood and I had to go all into therapy-like subconscious.

Anyway, don't worry about me folks... besides I'm not sure of anyone who really is in the first place.

Monday, June 2, 2003 -- 09:32 p.m.

I'm pretty sure I hate myself -___-

And I'm almost sure that everyone else hates me too.

Like... EVERYONE.

Why? Oh... no good reason I'd suppose, but it doesn't help when the only person that talks to you is your cat... *quirks* and she never even meows. *blinks*

*sighs* I'm so boring... I bore myself. =p

Otherwise gave myself a project, got my own domain and such rolling today, and so I'm working on a substantial or other site that will actually be worth one's time to actually come. It'll have everything... especially when I have a kick-ass computer ans scanner to back me up. *quirks* Although its not like anyone ever really came to any of my other so-called sites either.

Low self esteem is a bitch.

Sunday, June 1, 2003 -- 10:21 p.m.

*sniffles* I don't know what I'm going to do... I now actually have a compie that works.... EXCELLENTLY. *__*

My dad decided to play "scavenger hunt" on me kinda on my grad party saturday... all the while I had to chase after the monsters also known as my little cousins around the house as they go around screaming "I'm shaking my butt! I'm shaking my butt!!"

-__-;;; um, good for you kid.

*snuggles her newest love making her kitty cat very jealous* I've never used a working computer before... not only that this is the most up to date one as of now anyway... AND I have a printer and scanner so now I just gave away my excuse to be all like... "oh darn gee I can't... scanner does't work!!!" (if you look at my site that's still in very much BAD construction... you'll know what i mean - heck, I don't think anyone even goes to it anyway... *I* don't even go to it O_o;;;)

shock aside I think I just managed to break my toe... ^^;;; it kinda stings...

So, other than all that, I had my graduation Wednesday, which I admit was sooooooooooooo boring that I actually fell asleep several times during it. *grins sheepishly* Here it's this all "important" occassion and I don't even bother to stay alert. Oops...? And then afterward... everyone congratulates my mom for graduating. *quirks* It was like... who's wearing the gown here? Me or her? *sigh* My mom gave me this long speech about how "I would understand when I had my own kids" or some crap which I replied:

"Ok, but were you the one who went to school everyday? Did you do my homework? Did you take my tests? Did you take my Exams? Did you write my essays? Did you write any of my research papers? Did you do ANY of my work period?"

Mom: "No, but we had to put up with all your whining."

Me: "Um, when was that? I spent my entire school life locked up in my room working on all my stuff. I never recall you having anything to do with that."

Mom: "I bought your stuff!"

Me: "Actually dad did. He works. His money."

Mom: "......."

Ok, so maybe I took it too far... but damn it, I would like it for once if someone would actually praise *ME* the actual do-er instead of all the perople that had nothing to do with it. -__-;;; And people wonder why I have no confidence or self-esteem.... everyone else gets my praise.... or something like that I'd suppose.

But then again, if I all of a sudden got racked with praise... I wouldn't know what to do with myself. o_o

Of course now with my graduation over with.... I have my parents hounding me with THIS question: "When are ya gonna get a job!?!?!"

Um, when someone actually finally hires me maybe? It's not my fault I look like I'm 12!!! x.x;;;

Saturday, May 24, 2003 -- 11:48 a.m.

*stretches and yawns* just got up about 15 minutes ago, from a 21 hour sleep. *blinks* well that's what I get for staying up for the past two weeks to work on my final in art for the stupid *insert a few new colorful words here* teacher to give me a lower grade that what i'd expected. I got so mad i threw it in the trash. and if I recall it's still sitting there now. And it's gonna stay there! *makes a face*

Well now that school is officially over... which is kinda odd to say at the moment.. i'm not too sure of what i'm gonna do from now until august. although i do still have a few school things to do and attend, like memorial day parade... and gradumacation... little things like that. *quirks*

so i think i have a fic brewing... which if i actually complete it will make my sis very happy.... that now that i think of it... it could just be finally an answer to this bet we made a year or so ago... that i uh, lost? ^^;; And if she doesn't quite remember she'll just have to think back to when we were creating a VER VERY VERY long RPG... *whistles* and actually this fic idea was complements of my last dream i had that actually didn't get to see the end of because i woke up O__O;;; but! if i can make my qriting skills work so that this comes out as cute as it was in my dream... it should be ok. (this coming from a person who hasn't written in ages! ^^;;)

Monday, May 19, 2003 -- 03:40 p.m.

Drama, drama and more drama. That pretty much sums up the description of my senior class. ("oh, she stepped on my gown!!!" ~ good one Plemmons - LOL)And all this over a band banquet which is tomorrow. *shrugs* Hey, me and a few others have already officially agreed that we're not gonna let the "twins" come up with another one of their point sing-songy poems and create a dance for it. Although, if me and MY twin ever decided to do something so silly that would gosh darn well be ok! XD

Senior breakfast thursday... and i only have to come in to school one class period friday and then I'm home free from high school for the rest of my life. Well... sorta, I'd still have the memorial day parade to do and i'd have to come back in to pick up my art final, unless i never want to see it ever again O__o;;; Speaking of that final I should be doing it... lol, but will I? *mysterious pause inserted here*

Well anyway, after all this is said and done i'll have grad parties and then probably never see any one of these peoples ever again. Although my one friend wants me to come and spend the night at her house and get drunk with her. *raises a brow* Um... yeah, well... yeah. ^^;;; (very profound... I know.)

Friday, May 16, 2003 -- 11:03 p.m.

less than a week left of school... and i'm working on muh final... yay! um... sorta. ^^;;

Since technically the only class I have is art, and he makes you turn in an art work.... I was currently working on it. Of course since seniors get out earlier than the rest of the school here I have 2 regular art projects to turn in PLUS my final... I got to waive one exam and for band all I have to do is march in a parade that's mandatory anyway. *shrugs* no biggie. But of course since I chose to do my Advanced art final.... this art work has to be fantasmic. That, and if I would have done my Art II final instead he would have given me my subject matter on what to do it on... and funnily enough even though that sounds easier to do rather than coming up with it all on my own... I can rarely ever do a work well when I'm told what to do... but if I can choose... fantasmic!

*quirks* I have something about using the word fantasmic today.

Anyhoo, that the creativity-strained baka that I am, not only do I come up with a wonderful pic idea to do for my final... but I also choose to do it in a media I've never touched before in my life. Oil painting. *sweatdrops* Although I robbed the library of every book they own on the subject... they really didn't help much, so when my parents watch me attempting to do this its much like when someone would watch one in a chemistry lab... during an ultra dangerous lab. eh-heheheheh... Although, admittedly I'm not doing a fourth as bad as I did in my chem labs... I think all will work out fairly well... oil paints tend to be more forgiving.... something in which I need very badly when it comes to this assignment.

Then on top of that my OTHER advanced art project I'm attempting something ELSE i've never done before.... draw animals... successfully. It's not like I haven't tried to draw animals before... but they end up for some reason looking like aliens from other dimensions when I'm done. (and i'm not just being harsh on myself... many others have agreed with me as well ^^;;;) See, I watched Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron and I got the outrageous idea to draw a horse.... erm, the thing is... I've never attempted to draw a horse before. eh-eheheheheh.... anyways fastforwarding to the future.... I draw the horse... successfully *cheers for self* Actually i drew Spirit on a hill with an eagle flying above.... its not too shabby.

And then on top of THAT I have an Art II project to do and what do I do? I choose to create a completely original chara (usually I make it easy and just do a fav anime/manga or video game charas ^^;;) ... and the media chosen by my teacher was charcoal... i've never really been too successful with that media.... but i'm trying. *shrugs*

aside from that I'm attempting to help my mom arrange my graduation party... sad thing is... I was handing out invitations to people at school today they get it go "Oh, cool!" see time & date and go "Oh, I can't make it..."

;___;!!!!!

Every single person told me that. So I'm not even sure if ANYONE is coming to my party... I have an odd suspicion that I may be using the line: "It's my party and I'll cry if I want to..." at least once that day. *sheepish smile* and my parents wonder why I never have parties... no one can ever come to them @___@;;;

Oh, and you may be wondering "Well, why don't you just change the day and/or time?" Good question, but my invites were sent last week and it's a little rude and a tad bit at a last minutes notice to have to call up all my fmaily members and such to tell them I've changed it.... that and i'm lazy. LOL ^__^;;; Heck, maybe I'll set up a chatroom thing so people online can come and talk to me then... *quirks* but knowing my uncanny luck no one would be able to show up to that either... lol. Well, bad luck is better than no luck at all I guess. ^^;;

Sunday, May 4, 2003 -- 10:14 p.m.

Ah, the joy of random family get togethers... and discussions on whether I'm graduating from high school... or pre-school... *lips slightly quirk* um, yeah... ^^;;

I've been sitting and addressing graduation invitations for the past half an hour. And it's slightly depressing to note that I can't even come up with 25 envelopes worth of invites... either my area is just THAT small... or I just don't know as many people as I thought I did. *sweatdrops* Quality not quantity, right? Or something like that? ^^;;

Still 15 school days and counting... You know its kinda depressing... but then again... I REALLY REALLY REALLY wanna get away from these people... they are absolutely not like me at all in any way.. and I'm noticing more and more different things about the people I've been hanging around for the past 13 years of my life and you know... I guess I really only liked them cause they were there. And I feel bad in a way for saying that. Because we've shared so much in that time span and yet... its like now... I don't wanna tell them anything... and I don't really, because in actuality... they don't care. I see it their faces when I talk and the way they nod as if they're acknowledging what I'm saying but ask them about it later... they haven't a clue.

I guess that's why I've kinda abandoned the internet here recently, because even though the people I talk to here have similar interests and such as me... I never really get to talk to them anymore... never see them in person and I'm finding regular socializing tedious. *shrugs* Although I find that kind of ironic considering it's like I want to be left alone, but yet have at least SOMEONE around. Or something like that...

Maybe this is my way of releasing myself from my security of familiar people and places as I will know absolutely no one and no where coming the end of August... such is when I'm going to an out of state college.

Excuse the random thoughts, I'll probably re-read this later and realize I didn't mean some of it, but I'm typing as I'm thinking... which is extremely rare for me... unless I'm talking to someone pretty close to me.

Just don't think that I like have some psycho notion up in my head that people are evil around here... although some may be.

Oh well, I know at least one person will eventually end up reading this... maybe this is my version of senioritis... who knows...

I believe I may go and sit in the dark for a while... i haven't done so in quite some time... and i rather enjoy it.

Oh and I now i have it from now on to where you can comment on my sometimes deranged blog entries.

Saturday, May 3, 2003 -- 07:01 p.m.

Band... you know I love it.

erm,.... sometimes.... ^^;;;

Anyhoo... way back in March (i'm sure I still have the bloggy posting up here still for it somewhere) our band to districts and got a 1... wow... pretty amazing we haven't managed anything over a 2 in over a decade... and then today we went to state... and once again managed a 1.... even if I did mess up my little thing horribly. o.<;;;

But hey, our band hasn't been to state in forever so I'd say that's pretty damn good. ::nods::

And right now I've just gotten home because my parents decided to travel the world and back for the past 6+ hours. I couldn't take much of it cause I didn't figure they'd want to go walking around millions of places so I didn't have a change of clothes so walking around in my concert band uniform (just imagine a fancy-type white top/black pants waiter and you'll get the idea) with non-walking boot type shoes and you've got a tad bit of a problem. ^^;;;

Um, what else... I only have 15 more days of high school left. Woo! But then.... what do I do after that? O.o;;;

Hm... well,... I'll figure it out I guess.

Monday, April 28, 2003 -- 09:00 a.m.

Hey y'all, after being out of state for the past week (I went to Florida for a band competition thing marching around Epcot at disney where random unknown psycho ppl followed us cheering, clapping and dancing,... all the while video taping us and taking pictures.... but it was kinda funny we got to walk around Magic Kingdom where we saw other bands marching and nobody got all that crazy for them. Maybe my band is better than we thought...? *shrugs*)

But, of course like all past band trips this one wouldn't have been complete if we wouldn't of had a complete "drama" go along with it.... well, several in fact. First, there were people not talking to other people *mock gasps* then... another person bitched all day about being completely ignored (all the while about 10+ people were sitting there listening to them... yeah, they were REALLY being ignored *rolls eyes*) then the same person bitched about supposedly not being special enough to have their hand shaken... *feels her past week headache begin to return just thinking about it*

Thankfully enough, even though being around whiny people and a pregnant girl all day... I happened to have NO dramas... well, I had one... I got completely ditched by everybody the first day down in Florida and I kinda had a breakdown and cried the whole time in the bathroom *sweatdrops* But then I came to the conclusion it wasn't worth it. *shrugs* cause it wasn't. That and I don't particularily travel well and tend to cry for unknown reasons anyway. ^^;;; Oh well.

But all in all, I ended up traveling in a group that would vary anywhere from 4-6 people to anywhere from 20+ people around disney. Most times I was way far back of the group. (cause i have little short legs and have troubles keeping up ^^;;; ) And yes, being in a huge group you do sometimes tend to feel ignored... but I never really said much about it. Unless I was tired... then i complained to myself.. lol ^^;;; I actually say some pretty funny things when I'm REALLY tired... and my so called "complaining" so i'm told during these times are pretty funny and are sometimes cute. Hey, at least I'm not annoying or bitchy, right? LOL

Ok, list of tragic moments.... *long, long pause*

*still thinking*

Um, does on the last day at Magic Kingom the first ride I get on I take my camera and by the time I get off the ride I realize that somehow I lost my batteries to my camera on the ride somewhere and can't take anymore pictures count as a tragic moment? ^^;;; well... no, I guess not I was a tad peeved, but I got over it by amusing my friends by taking what I called "invisible pictures" i'd see something that would have been cool to have taken a picture of lift up my inviso camera and say "click!" Although, sometimes it was just a shame that some of those inviso pics, couldn't have been REAL pictures. *shrugs* no use crying about it.

What else... what else... oh! Friday we went and spent a day at Cocoa Beach. It was a beautiful beach I took some pictures (i still had my batteries then, LOL) and my friends somehow convinced me to change my bright white pale lil bod into my swimsuit and go walking along the beach with them. Needless to say the waves were rather strong since a huge storm was slowly coming in and even though I was barely touching where the last of the tide came in onto the shore... one big wave was so determined it crashed right onto me and I went flipping completely over and went crashing into the Atlantic Ocean. ^^;;; Stupidity still caught a hold of me. I have now quite a nice bruise from where I crashed down on my knee... but I think I'll take a picture of it later for such a pleasant reminder... LOL You know... I haven't flipped like that since I was in gymnastics... and that was over 4 years ago. ^^;;; well anyway, 2 hours before we were supposed to have a bbq on the beach a "monsoon" came pouring down. Needless to say being in freezing pouring rain, with high wind gusts in only your swimsuit can make one QUITE cold. ^^

Back at the hotel we had a pet raccoon which was named Chevy. A lot of the band ppl fed it animal crackers and whatnot. What else could they do? I was told that at first they kind of "ran away" but that the raccoon ran after them so they decided to give up and start feeding the poor lil guy.

And then today... i'm supposed to be at school, but wouldn't you know it that I could be living in Ohio in 50 or below weather and be fine but as soon as I go down to Florida where its 80+ degrees and I get sick? ^^;;; Only me.... So i'm here sitting home alone.... sick. =P

Oh, and it was cute my dad told me that when I was gone my kitty would go and sleep on my bed everyday, up until like the last 1 or 2 days where she'd sleep on the rocking chair which is near my room. My kitty was having me-withdrawls. How precious. So now she's been following me around all day. ^^ she's so cute.

Ok, and before I go since I"m rambling random nonsense... the funniest moment... well, one of them... I'm 4 hours away from being home so I borrow somebody cell phone to call home to make sure that i have a way home (we were getting home 4 hours earlier than originally planned) and my dad finally picks up the phone and I tell him "I'm in Corbin, KY I'm gonna be home in about 4 hours" and then there's this REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY long pause. All I could say after that was: "Gee, you sound really really excited to get me home!" ^^;;; Ok, maybe you had to kinda be there... but I'm sure you could kind of get it.. I'm gone for a week... my parents have been childless this whole time.... I'm sure you get the rest. Hey, at least other ppl on the bus also found the humor in it. ^^

Wednesday, April 16, 2003 -- 04:22 p.m.

Real quickly here folks, I think i just misread the petition thing, I think it just has to do with New Zealand, not that you HAVE to live there, so if you'd like to sign the petition against discrimation against homosexuals in the media (basic arguement being that if in music videos you have no problem showing het kissing and such that girls 'n girls and guys 'n guys should be allowed as well - all of nothing) Trust me they explain it better at the site than my weak feeble attempt, so check it out, sign it and pass it along to others... they're attempting to get 1,000,000 signatures.... as of when I signed it... I was the 1,102 signature... so here's the link:

Homosexual Discrimination In New Zealand Mainstream Media

Let's speak out y'all.... let's let the shadowed part of the world know that its ok to love whomever you want and that it can be expressed as freely or as discreetly as anyone else!

Tuesday, April 15, 2003 -- 07:11 p.m.

*blinks somewhat wearily and ponders the thought that was Spring break*

What is spring break anyway? I didn't have one. My parents sent me traveling around the world @___@

I prefer spring breaks like the one i had when I stayed up the WHOLE week talking and stuff with my sis ^^ I do believe I did that on one of my christmas breaks too. Week long online sessions.... ah, such rememberable moments.

And (goes off randomly just to warn any unsuspecting reader) even though I do NOT live in New Zealand and I think to sign the online petition you were supposed to live there (oops, oh well its a good cause!) I signed this thing to "Defend TATU" since it since that they have homosexual type actions in their music videos and songs or... how ever it went... it seems there are countries that want to ban them. I couldn't stand for this even if I DIDN'T live in New Zealand! *nods* Besides their song "All the things she said" is like my upmost favorite song. *nods again* More power to those two... (and everyone else of course ^^;;;)

I seem to be putting awful gaps in between entries, but my compie has been an absolute ass... and I mean horribly so here these fews many weeks. I just wanna throw it out the window. >*sigh* I guess I'll get over it though I normally do, I've only put up with this crap computer for the past 3 years now... or how ever long ago it was that my dad bought this thing. Stupid brothers. Stupid computer. =P

*hums ATTS*

Well, i guess that's all the time i have. I have to get going on writing ten million essays for all these different things my parents are applying me into and I'm officially an art slave. Art when done at school is no longer fun for me since my art teacher so wonderfully took all the joy out of doing it. He used to promote my work and tell me i "think outside the box" and was creative, and i don't know what i'm doing differently but to him now my stuff is crap, so now I put no effort into ANYTHING that i do for him and he'll just have to take it.

O_O *blushes horribly* I've never outright EVER complained about my art teacher in quite that fashion. But hell, the bastard deserves it! *small sheepish grin* No more random raves I promise!!

Tuesday, April 1, 2003 -- 03:25 p.m.

Well, its Spring Break for me now... although yesterday I wouldn't have noticed as my parents took out TO a school. -__-;;; I think they think I really enjoy being at schools or something.

Anyhoo, they dragged me out for this wonderful day of 24 hr. walk around Purdue's campus. My calves were killing me all night... they've never done that before it was strange... but anyway, now I'm up to my arse with college catalogs and class desicions and housing crap and other activities or...something. And i have to sort it all out before May 1st or else explain to Angels why my parents killed me at such a young age. ^^;;;

Or maybe I'd have to explain it to some little devils instead. Who knows... I've been told I'm mean a lot here recently. *shrugs*

Well I guess that'll be my short little entry as my computer might be flying out the window here in just a few second if it doesn't stop pulling.... well, what its pulling....er, so to speak.

Thursday, March 20, 2003 -- 09:46 p.m.

Ah... Project Chuckie... first day thrown into a room with 19 psychotic children with a lot of time, but not a lot to do within it. e_e;;;

One of the activities I had to explain to them was to write six things about themselves that makes them unique... (likes, dislikes, pets, skills, family, etc...etc...) And the troublesome child Mitch decide to put down that he was stupid as one of his six. -__-;;;

But it was especially cute when we asked them if they had any questions that they wanted to know about us (we were expecting maybe a "what's your favorite color?", "how old are you?", "what grade are you in?" stuff like that) they look at us oh so innocently and go "no" *blinkblinkblinkblink* A child without at least ONE curiousity about 3 complete strangers bursting into their classroom... is an odd child indeed.

Interestingly enough when we finally got them asking questions they wanted to know if we were married since "we looked like we were old enough to be"

O__o;;;

Um, sure kid... i'm 17 years of age and have been happily married since the age of 9. *coughs*

Yesh... and I have over 9 more weeks of this stuff... at least i can say its only one day per week.... i might go completely insane having to act completely happy cheery all the damn time around the "psycho kids". *shrugs* but all-n-all it wasn't too bad. Except for the one girl who gave me the creeps with the way she sat at her desk with this ODD smile she'd have on her face everytime she caught me glancing her way. I really don't know HOW to explain the smile... other than.... CREEPY.

Woo! Yay Project Chuckie!!!

Tuesday, March 18, 2003 -- 10:10 p.m.

all is wrong with the world... well, kinda.

Art has so bogged me down... i think i really do suck at it. Regardless, i still have absolutely no painting talent (except my ball of wonder that I still don't understand) and i have to continue this for 7 more weeks... not including the 2 weeks i won't be in school for, whether it be spring break or the florida contest.

on top of that my mom is so manic over my health that she took me to a doctor a few weeks ago where the stupid oerson just talks to me a bit, like my plans for the future, upon asking me 34 million billion times if i've had sexual experiences. *raises a brow* and then she opens a drawer says "here take these once a day" so now my mom makes me take these med everyday for no reason. They cause me to gain like 10 pounds (and i actually stopped taking them... and 2 days after I stopped... all the weight came off... it was magic) -__-;;;

I'm so (un)happy to announce that my week of supposed freedom from anything resembling a school (aka: Spring Break) will now be ruined as my parents decide to drag me out to visit schools on my vacation. They must really think i love school or something. *shrugs*

*freaks as she realizes this could possibly be the first time since she starrted school that she won't have to be at school or any school related event on my birthday*

O.O *dies of shock*

*ghost Chibi enters stage right*

anyway as i was ranting... yes ranting... just because i feel like it. um... i forgo totally what i was going to say so i think i'll leave this pointless rant at that so...um, good night?

*ghostly chibi floats out*

Friday, March 14, 2003 -- 11:28 p.m.

hm... well it's been quite a while since I've written anyting about my boring little life here in the dumb state of Ohio.... so where to start....

Well, as of this morning I guess I'm a Project Chuckie member... (aka: Project C.H.A.R.L.I.E - where you're supposed to tell little kids that they're special and not do drugs... or something) I'm in trouble because no one ever told me I was in this thing until I com into school this morning and Alex looks at me and goes "Hey, did you know you were in Project Charlie?"

um.... gee Al, can't say that I did.

Other than that for the past month I've been over my head with my Advanced Art project. >.o;;; It's this huge ass pic I drew (it's Naru from Love Hina) and I stupidly decided to do it all in colored pencil SOOOOOOOOOOO the fact is that I'm wearing down all the pencil down into little unrecognizable stubs and my fingers hurt like hell from gripping the damn pencil(s) all day. But, besides all that bitching and moaning I think it's pretty damn good.... which is saying something because i NEVER believe that any of my stuff is good. (extra points for me!!) But even so no one else in my Art class seems too impressed with it. ::shrugs::

what else, what else... oh now since i'm supposed to be giving some speech Sunday to a teacher I haven't seen in over a decade (i feel odd knowing that i'm actually old enough to say something like that... gah- i'm old) and i guess I'm supposed to make a copy of my speech and frame it and give it to her... or something? i dunno.

and then today I got to go and do a band contest thing. Exciting... um, not really. ou play 3 songs that you've been playing over and over and over and over and over... yeah anyway... then you go and play it in front of 3 judges or rather "adjudacators" and getting a score that can range anywhere from 1-5. In the words of my band director:

"If you go to a band conteest and get a 1... you're pretty damn good. If you go and get a 2... you had a minor, minor, minor error... uh, somewhere. If you go and get a 3... that's all right. If you go and get a 4... you suck. and finally if you go and get a 5... why in the hell did you come in the first place!?!?!?"

And hey who knew....my band actually got a 1. Go us. Which is pretty damn lucky if you ask me since when we got there, moments before we went in to perform we found out that out percussion section had absolutely NO music... so they went out winged it.... got lucky and managed to do a flawless performance anyway.

Now we get to go to the State Competition.... only thing is we're supposed to go down to Florida and perform at Disney (so if you happen to be there like... April 24th at Epcot... i think... you just might see me... (like that'll really narrow it dow though - lol)) and the state comp. is the weekend after we get back... so that could be interesting.

Well, i guess that about wraps that up. So I'll leae with this.... If you happened to call a cell phone tonight and ended up getting some raving mexican... don't worry that was just my pal Al ranting in what little spanish he knows at you.

And here's some words of wisdom from my Band Director: "Sell yourself"

(the TRUE meaning.... i'll let YOU decide)

Monday, February 24, 2003 -- 02:18 p.m.

x.x;; ::has a fried brain and nothing to save it with::

Snow is still in town so I'm somewhat enjoying yet another day off from the land of school.

I'm supposed to be getting a phone call later today from The Art Institute for something so I can ask them questions or something. But hell, if I know what to ask them. That was never my thing. I don't even ask questions in school. @__@;;; (although, you know... sometimes I probably should)

LOL... that reminds me of the conversation that the class I teacher aide for had... something to do with "Even though people say 'there are no stupid questions' you have to admit that sometimes certain questions are just that... STUPID"

Gomen, but if you would have heard the whole conversation... it was just too funny.

That class is a several day discussion in itself. Like the one day they had a discussion on "Is there life after death" (and do mind in this class its nothing but guys and the only females in the room are me and the teacher - which is what kinda makes some of these convos funny) - anyway... I wasn't really paying attention until they got onto the subject on "but doesn't the bible say that being homosexual is wrong" ::coughs:: that slightly got my attention... but what really surprised me was from the most unlikely of people came the answer "Well, if God is suppose to love EVERYONE then wouldn't that mean he would still love them even if they were?" ::sniffles:: His reply was a lot better than THAT but... ::thinks and raises a brow:: which then i think someone asked "Well, if its said to be wrong in bible... wouldn't it just be fair if they lived down in hell for a couple of years before they went up to heaven?"

O__o;;; Geez, now it's like hell is prison... you serve your time then you get sent off. ::thinks:: Although I will admit... I'd personally never have thought of it that way. ::shrugs:: Everyone has a right to believe whatever they want though so.... ::shrugs again::

(and also just think... they have these types of convos and this is a SPORTS LITERATURE class. I haven't the faintest clue how they get onto these discussions from talking about the rules or baseball, football, tennis, cricket... whatever sports they talk about. Maybe If I actually paid attention... who knows)

Hm, well this was quite an odd entry. ^^;;;

Sunday, February 16, 2003 -- 09:09 p.m.

*___* There is SOOOOOOOO much snow here... it's freakin awesome!

^^;; other than the fact that I'm almost literally snowed into my own house.

I think that the winter weather is finally getting back at us for it's years and years of no snow. And is happily piling it on us now. ::blinkies as she continues to watch the blizzard come down:: It's been snowing non-stop since Friday and shows no sign of letting up. And not only that it's reported that it's suppose to KEEP snowing all through tonight and all tomorrow.

Hell, I believe it.

It's even being rumored that they'll close my school Tuesday (since we get off for a "holiday" or something tommorow). I like this whole "no school" thing. And even 2 hour delays are hella sweet.

Gods, sometimes it truely pays to live in a tiny bumpkin town where when the weather gets bad... you have country back road to be horribly nasty and get you outta school.

Hm, I'll have to remember to do my menial household chores I've been putting off... cleaning, laundry, other such nonsense. ::shrugs:: and inbetween all that I think I might get reaquainted with my oh so lovely bishies: Cloud and Sephy... *.* If only I knew where I out my FFVII game

...wah.

Friday, February 14, 2003 -- 03:13 p.m.

Ah, Valentine's Day.... also my friend Mary's birthday...

And the most DEPRESSING day of the year for me. x.x;;;

^^;;; Nah, not really I guess... I'm pretty used to getting nothing from anyone every year. Although watching all these other girls parading around school with a bunch of flowers, balloons and other such nonesense did get kinda sickening afterwhile. :P

Be that as it may I shall spend my Valentine's Day the best way I know how... All by myself curled up with my little puff-n-fluff (aka: my cat) on my bed and do what I do best.... which is nothing actually, but I'll most likely be playing video games until the wee hours of the morning until I collapse.

That or until pushing the buttons on my PS2 controller starts to seem too tedious for me. LOL - Actually I'm in the middle of playing Dark Cloud (a game I got like 2 years ago and just finished recently ::iz lame:: ) and I'm trying to finish up the 'Demon Shaft' level. ::is completely convinced that 'Demon Shaft' sounds WRONG:: It has 100 floors or absolute NOTHINGNESS. And when I say nothingness I MEAN nothingness. Each floor you go around killing the baddies until one of them FINALLY drops the Black Knight Crest so that you can continue up to the next floor. Nothing haas changed and I'm alreqady on like the 40-somthing-th floor. The only entertainment I get out of it is equiping Xiao with (Super) Steve the slingshot and sit and read his amusing little comments.

I'm really believing that my theory of nothingness is true. But there is still 60 floors to prove me wrong. ::shrugs::

::makes a face:: I don't know what happened to my head, but it kinda hurts as if someone whacked me upside the head with a 2 x 4 or something. x.x;;;

Well, i dunno but i really feel like doing... uhh... something. But I have nothing to do... and no one to do anything with. ::quirks as that could be taken wrongly:: Alas, I go off on my quest of attempting to make my life interesting.... all the while failing miserably. ^^;;;

C'est la vie. (Or at least mine anyway)

Wednesday, February 12, 2003 -- 02:12 p.m.

Snow Day - Snow Day - la la la!

::coughs:: Ok... so It's still madly snowing and i'm NOT in school. ::grins::

Besides I have nothing else better to do today (except for come up with another idea for my art project ^^;;)

Speaking of my art class... my art teacher scared me just a lil yesterday. I had just finished my one project (which I was actually turning in REALLY late but he'll never know the difference XD) And for lack of brain power I made a small little painting of a blitzball from FFX floating in water. That's it. And my art techer thinks its the best thing in the world. O__o;;; He was evevn talking about putting it in a art show or... something. And all I can think is: 'Dude!? Are you on crack!? It's just a damn little ball floating in the water... and not only THAT but I SERIOUSLY messed up and made the water PURPLE' ^^;; um, yeah... the water was suppose to be this somewhat darker shade of blue but we could "only use the color's complement color to darken it" and it first somehow turned black... (and here I was always led to believe that you COULDN'T create black by mixing colors... oh but I somehow did it minna... I somehow did it) and then I took white and lightened it... it turned gray ::raises a brow:: so I added more blue more orange and I eventually got purple. It's really a lovely shade of purple if I do say so myself. ::beams since she just LOVES the color purple::

::coughs:: Anyway... then later my art teacher kinda embarrassed me as he went around SHOWING this thing to EVERYONE x.x;;; and just me when I say this minna... Chibi has absolutely NO painting skills. NONE. Hm, I guess I'll have to investigate this little painting of mine after he grades it and gives it back and figure out the mystery painting art that is Chibi... ^^;;; Heck, who knows maybe I could be the next Van Gogh or Picasso...

::pause::

NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH... besides, paint is hella annoying and I manage to get it EVERYWHERE. ^^;;; (I iz very messy... and i'm not even kidding)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

XDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXDXD!!!!

HASH(0x86f2aa4)
You're a SCARY yaoi fangirl.

Are you a yaoi fangirl?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, February 11, 2003 -- 04:58 p.m.

Hm... since it has been forever and a day since I wrote anything, (although I'm sure just BUNCHES of ppl missed me ::coughs:: ) I'm inserting a slightly random note here.

As for updates as to what I've been doing in the boring little life of Chibi... to put bluntly... I've done nothing... except try and survive the weather. I tell ya after this winter I NEVER wanna see snow EVER again. x.x;;;

Although I will admit getting 2 hour delays almost everyday now is definitely a plus. (But actually my school is in session for 2 hours longer than almost every school in the state so a 2 hour delay for us would be like a regular day for everyone else... random babble is over now thank you.)

School for me was closed Friday so I spent all of Friday and all of Saturday playing and beating Devil May Cry I've beaten it in every mode with Super Dante and then just to be cheap I kept playing it in Easy Automatic mode. That version is just so sad. But the 'Dante Must Die' mode...

x.x;;;

^^;; Anyway I've been moving from game to game and basically have replayed and currently beating every PS2 game I own which actually not that many. I maybe have a total of 25-30 games and that's including all my other console games along with my PS2 ones. I have a small highly selective set. I'm picky what can I say? That and every game sold around here has to do with football and I'm sorry but I've personallly had ENOUGH of football for my short little life span... thank you very much.

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Tuesday, February 11, 2003 -- 04:58 p.m.

Hm... since it has been forever and a day since I wrote anything, (although I'm sure just BUNCHES of ppl missed me ::coughs:: ) I'm inserting a slightly random note here.

x.x;;;

Wednesday, February 5, 2003 -- 05:02 p.m.

::sniffles:: It was such a semi-happy day and then today I find out another one of my dearest will be heading of to basic training. Everyone's leaving me!! ;__;

But all will be the the best I guess... and if we DO end up going to war and if any of my dearies get hurt... I'll personally go out and find the bugger who did it and cap 'em one. ::defiant pose:: Hey, I can be hella mean when I wanna!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You are a Day Dreamer.. Daydreamers tend to be away from the normal, and
have a deeper aspect when looking at things.
Most of the time, thier outcasts of the social
society, but don't worry. It just means your so
deep it scares thier simple little brains.

What kind of Dreamer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Wednesday, February 5, 2003 -- 03:53 p.m.

Muwhahahahahaha... this email makes me laugh:

Fwd: cars & computers (pretty funny)

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, " If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

XDDDD

Sunday, February 2, 2003 -- 01:27 a.m.

@__@;;; I will NEVER ask my mother for directions EVER again.

My friend from Florida calls me up around 6 and wants to go out and do something. I kept trying to convince her that in this itty bitty area there is NOTHING to do. Well, anyway after getting horrendous directions from my mom (I did circles I don't know HOW many times because they were so strange... but hey, getting lost is half the adventure - not to mention I'm now about outta gas ^^;;;) Anyhoo, I get there and her brother decides to tag along.

And so we once again come to the dilemma of there being nothing to do. If there's one thing I know any better is that there is only 2 big "hang-outs" around here they would be: The mall & the movies. And if you're so inclined I guess you could go to Golf Galaxy... some lil inside golf place filled to the brim with psycho old people. Um, yeah... so anyway first we go to the mall... it was basically closing down right in front of us. It actually surprised me since I never knew that the mall changed its hours and closed so EARLY on a Saturday. ::shrugs:: shows you how much *I* get out. ^^;;

Next stop, the movies. And that cost us at LEAST $10 a person. -__-;;; And of course all three of us were majorly indecisive about what movie to watch so we stood there arguing for I don't know HOW long. ^^;;; We eventually decided to watch Just Married. XD I'm sorry but it cracked me up.

Needless to say we were all pretty partied out by then ::coughyeahrightcough:: so I somehow managed to get them back to their hotel, where they informed me that my mom's directions were "quite fucked up".

Hey, I couldn't agree more.

I'm somehow back though ::thanks whatever gods out there that helped her:: and kinda suffering from a headache so I'll have to cut things short for now. I just kinda felt a lil bad for not blogging in since a long while. Just another odd night to add to my collection of... er,... oddness? ::shrugs:: I dunno.

Friday, January 31, 2003 -- 08:42 p.m.

::in a sing-songy voice:: Chibi's stuck in a tiny spaaaaaaaaaaaaace~~~!
Chibi's stuck in a tiny spaaaaaaaaaaaaace~~~!!!

::immediately starts coughing furiously as a big wave of wood dust fogs over the said tiny space:: Muh dad has turned the room I'm in into a work space. ::mumbles something about a stupid mother having to have the bathroom redone::

Thursday, January 30, 2003 -- 07:28 p.m.

::right eye begins twitching severely:: School is not very healthy for my well-being. I must of just recently had the most ignorant convo of my life (well, ok it wasn't THAT bad ^^;;;) with my mother who is convinced that red is a cool color. ::sweatdrops:: Add onto that, and in band I'm second chair which WOULD be fine and dandy, but first chair is a moron. She can't count rhythms, play right key signatures, she simply can't play anything right. -__-;;; She's actually the main reason why I've developed an eye twitch. She's loud... but HORRIBLE @_@;;;

>.> me and mr. band-director-guy is gonna have a tiny lil convo tomorrow. I'm kicking her self-boosted ego outta there. And it's kinda funny cause the very first person that ever told me to challenge her was my good pal Al. And he rarely EVER says anything like that. He has this "but that would be mean!" complex that in certain situations can become very annoying very quickly. He's a very odd child.

O__O Uh... damn, I forgot about Teacher Appreciation... It's funny... even though I'm suppose to be "appreciating" a teacher that has greatly influenced me... I honestly can't think of ONE that has done so for in the way that they describe. I have to submit the name in tomorrow.

x.x shoot me... shoot me now...

::random whiny rant officially over::

Thursday, January 30, 2003 -- 04:46 p.m.

::insert evil manic-type laughter here:: For no reason at all I decided to get The Sims for PS2 (cause seriously even if I wanted to get the computer version I wouldn't put ANYTHING on this non-working thing ^^;;;) So now I'll be able to mess with the lives of virtual ppl since presently I basically uh... have no life? ::sweatdrops::

Anyway, got an unexpected random phone call from best friend back in elementary school. I haven't seen her in YEARS since she moved to Florida and since she actually does things other than go to school and come back home and get on the internet all day like me... (I really think I need to get out more e_e;;;) I never even get to talk to her online or anything. -- Anyhoo... it just so happens she's up here for the weekend and wants to do something Sunday... or something. The mental image I'm picturing here is her talking away and me just kinda sitting there. ^^;; Heck, not even I know what happened to my conversational skills. I used to talk ALL the time. But now... ::shrugs:: Now i'm actually the BORING one. O__o;;;

::definitely believes she needs to get out more::

Hm, I have all these art projects due now that I don't know WHAT to do. I have to get working though or I'll be in all sorts of trouble. In Advanced Art he's looking for "outstanding" whatever that exactly means... and as of right now.... its more or less nothing. I'm sooooooooo lazy.

Wednesday, January 29, 2003 -- 05:17 p.m.

;_; My brothers moved out and now its HARDER for me to manage to get online. ::sigh:: How's one suppose to get anything accomplished when everytime you go to sign-on AOL tells me "Um, sorry but right now your brother is online, and we'll never kick him off cause we love him. We hate you so even if you DO manage to kick him off we'll just sign you off faster than you can blink yer eye!!!"

::cough::

AOL hates me... what can I say? But it IS the only internet connection I have so I guess I can't complain....

This zero degree weather around here is starting to get annoying. Although I must say always getting a 2-hour delay everyday at school is a plus. I just don't understand why they don't go ahead and CLOSE school sometimes though.... I mean, the lady is stupid... if it snows... school's closed down.... but if it's all icy and nasty and give you an hour delay. ::raises a brow:: I'm just wondering if anyone else is kinda seeing the stupidity of that.

And as always, I've been stuck back onto the path of "choose major/college now!!" by the ever gentle whip-holder (also known as my mother ^^;;;) I could explain the whole situation to her (and actually I have) but being the overly cautious parent it goes in one ear...and right out the other. ^^;;

And just to randomly add something silly I'll leave a little story of sorts I heard from my band director earlier today:

"You know how at weddings they throw rice or blow bubbles, right? It started out as a joke, but then she actually liked so now we're doing it. We bought dozens of little nerf balls, wrote our names and our wedding date on them and that's what we're having them throw at us at our wedding. We even bought several different types of them and threw them at people as hard as we could to see if it would hurt or not... one point of advice though... plastic balls HURT."

Kinda unique, ne? ^^;;;

Sunday, January 26, 2003 -- 01:16 a.m.

After staring blankly at the computer screen for I don't know how long. And after what you said about changing the entry format FINALLY sunk in. (Hey it's early in the morning... I'm not exactly clear-headed ^^;;;) I have officially gotten this bloggie up and running properly. ::claps excitedly:: I think I'll celebrate by going to bed... and if I can't get to sleep

...er.... I'll think of something else to do to celebrate!