Colored Ink
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about me name: n/aaliases: kit, kits, kit kat, the smart girl, foxay, an chin age: 17 location: socal, usa hobbies: anime, manga, reading, writing, doodling, video games, french horn likes: all of the above, being lazy, mushrooms, cheese, animals, laughing loudly in public dislikes: nuts, stinging/biting insects, religious fanatics, violence, olives contact: coloredink@mailcity add .com wishlist playstation 220-30 gig hard drive car summer job a good night's sleep money stress-free life trigun dvd box set realistic wishlist dayworld by philip josé farmerkabuki by david mack over the rhine cd moxy fruvous cd hellsing dvd box set long-term obsessions anime/mangayaoi/shounenai clamp music animals life and living video games current obsession(s) schoolcollege currently reading the picture of dorian gray by oscar wildecurrently playing ffviiiffx currently watching hana yori dango (20)gravitation oav (1) ayashi no ceres (11) utena (16) rayearth (8) gto tv (15) ccs tv (19?) blaze of mirage (3) star ocean ex (22) |
Thursday, October 24, 2002 [link] 07:37 p.m. listening to: nothing And now, in the style of the eternal Eggie: AH HA HA HA I WAS ASSRAPED BY MY TEST TODAY! ohgodkillmenow. Wednesday, October 23, 2002 [link] 05:24 p.m. listening to: "Hotel California" - The Eagles Everyone else seems to be bitching about school on their blogs, so I guess now it's my turn. AP Government is still wiping the floor with my ass. I am fully expecting to fail the test tomorrow, which is ninety-eight questions long. Mr. Hammett gave it to us ahead of time so we can look up the answers, but holy hell, no way I'm going to be able to look up the answers to ninety-eight questions when I still have Bio to read and graphic organizers to draw. I answered the questions I knew at school and left the ones I didn't know blank, so I'll just look up those and hope I manage to get a passing grade somehow. Yeah, and I still have college applications to do. **cry** Ms. Borja is still shredding my personal statement to pieces, to the point where stylistically I don't feel like it's my own. If she wants to take out any more I'm going to call her on it, because I'm just not comfortable with it anymore. It was fine at first because, well, she knows better, but now I'm all rar about it. They postponed the student-free day on November 1st to November 11th. I was planning to use that day to do college applications, fuckers! November 11th is way too close to most Early Decision dates for my comfort. Speaking of which, supposedly the Common Application has sheets for your teachers to fill out for recs, so I'd better get that photocopied right smart so that my teachers don't waste their time typing up actual letters. I feel like such an ass. To take a page from Eggie's book, "ohgodshootmenow." Or, better yet, "idienow." Tuesday, October 22, 2002 [link] 03:31 p.m. listening to: "Good Enough" - Sarah McLachlan So, I've decided to start riding my bike to school again. It's not a recent decision, just me waiting for the weather to cool. Riding two and a half miles in ninety-eight degree heat does not a happy, healthy person make. This morning I got my headlight and taillight (required by law for cycling in the dark, and it's plenty dark at 6 AM), found my helmet, and turned on the patio light so that I could see to attach the headlight and taillight. Then I retrieved my bicycle from the little alley between the garage and the backyard and wheeled it into the light, only to discover that what I had mistakened for caked mud was actually ants. Teeming masses of ants. I don't know why they were all over my bike, since there's nothing on my bike they could possibly want, but they were there. I ran inside, decided there was not possibly enough time to clean my bike and get to school on time, and woke up my dad. When I got home today pretty much all the ants were gone from the bike. I hosed it down anyway, dried it off with a rag, and took it for a brief spin to make sure it was in working condition. T'was all well and good, so far as I could see, and so I shall be riding my bike to school tomorrow. And now, a special message to all those who read my blog and are upset at Rachel for what she said to Nick: She did not say those things. You should know her well enough to know that she would never say those things, and shame on you for thinking she did. Now apologize and stop thinking that she is the bitch queen of the universe, because she is a better person than you probably care to realize. Rar. Monday, October 21, 2002 [link] 08:09 p.m. listening to: ditto I'm waiting for Rachel to finish blogging so we can watch The Lion King in Japanese, so I guess I'll just ramble for a bit. I watched the first episode of Final Fantasy Unlimited. Yes, I'm very behind; I had it sitting on my hard drive for an eternity and just never touched it. I simply was not that excited by the prospect of an FF anime series. The FF OAV based on FF5 sucked, the FF movie basically sucked, I was fairly sure that FFU would suck. And indeed, it sucks slightly, but it is a marked improvement over the FF movie, which for all intents and purposes had nothing to do with the FF series. However, FFU has chocobos, summons, annoying children, a kickass woman, and the obligatory kickass mysterious man with a Tragic Past. And it's only the first episode! I've also been watching Kogepan, which is good, mindless fun. I'm told it has Deep Social Commentary, and I guess I see it, but it's much more fun as just. . . mindless fun. Each episode is four minutes long, so it's perfect when I want a brief break from homework but don't want to be sucked in by surfing or chatting. **pesters Rachel to finish quickly** Monday, October 21, 2002 [link] 07:51 p.m. listening to: big honkin' playlist But as we know, my big honkin' playlist isn't really that big. So, I did a Google search to find out who's linking to my blog. Some of my friends, of course; this should surprise no one. And some complete strangers, which is something of a surprise. There are less than the last time I searched, which is amusing. What, am I not popular anymore? Complete strangers include: Dance of the Hours, Congealed Goodness, and KittenBlog. Actually, KittenBlog is vaguely known to me. The other two blogs I've never seen or heard of in my life. Who are you people? Why are you interested in reading my boring, boring life? Or did you add my blog one day for no particular reason and just forgot to take the link down? Sunday, October 20, 2002 [link] 06:55 p.m. listening to: "The Great Beyond" - REM Just got back from another PYMA rehearsal. Susan the brass coach wasn't there today, which was a little disappointing, because I wanted to worship her some more. Apparently high-level audition-only performance groups have the same problems that school groups do. Which only makes sense, of course, but you forget things like that when their freshmen trumpet players play better than your best senior. Or when the clarinet player two seats down has a crystal mouthpiece. But anyway, we spent a lot of today getting the string players to play in time and tuning the clarinets. It was a little comforting. The doors to the PYMO rehearsal were open when PYMA rehearsal got out. Everyone stopped, briefly, to listen to them. They were playing something slow and beautiful; Declamation on a Hymn, most likely, which PYMA hasn't gotten to yet. I felt a little bit angry and jealous and sad at the same time for no particular reason, not really directed at anyone but myself. Sunday, October 20, 2002 [link] 12:07 p.m. listening to: "Down in the Park" - Foo Fighters I just watched the first episode of Weiß Kreuz Gluhen! . . . I'm really not sure what to say that everyone else hasn't already said. I mean, yeah. Feathers! And wings! And statues crying blood! Some of the overused symbols that were lacking in Weiß before. I know it supposedly has nothing to do with the previous Weiß seasons other than that it uses the same characters. Well, some of the same characters. Izumi is obviously new. Omi seems to have taken on the role of Persia (somehow, there is much irony in this, considering who Persia was to Omi). Aya still seems to be Aya, only less with the ice and more with the human. No sign of Ken and Youji yet, so we'll see if they're still their old selves personality-wise. At least they have better fashion sense now. Er. Except Youji, I guess, but Youji's never really had any fashion sense. Sunday, October 20, 2002 [link] 12:48 a.m. listening to: "Pray Your Gods" - Toad the Wet Sprocket The house still smells like paint. Well, we got last place at the field show competition today--er, yesterday. I'm not too surprised, although I was pleasantly surprised by the score we got, especially considering I thought that performance sucked. But the reason I wasn't surprised by the last place is because we got moved up a division because our band is bigger, so we're competing against big bands now. For those of you who don't know, the size of a band tends to be an indication of its skill and quality. A big band probably has a very well-developed band program so that people want to join and work hard and excel. This is not the case for Gabrielino because we're a relatively new school. I think this is the band program's eighth year. The reason our band is big is simply because we get a lot of freshmen from the middle school. We got a 74.9, by the way. I made some ridiculous mistakes. For one thing, I completely forgot to put my horn down at the end of one of the songs. I'm told this is because Eddie, our drum major, forgot to give us the signal for horns down, so I'm not the only one who made that mistake. Rachel was hissing at me, "Down! Horns down!" I put the horn down, then immediately cursed myself. It's one-tenth of a point for each mistake; so, that was one-tenth of a point for not having my horn down, then another tick because I moved when everyone else was still. To make matters worse, I wasn't able to get my horn back up for the next song because the spit valve had somehow gotten caught in my uniform. >_< I'm still kicking myself for that one. Well, yay for the most ghettofabulous band in the nation! With 112 people marching! Someone actually put that in an Air-gram. "Gabrielino is the most ghetto band in the nation." We all laughed because it's true. Well, not true; I'm sure there are plenty of bands out there more ghetto than us. And we won't be ghetto for much longer once they finish building our school. But I'm proud. I'm very proud. Friday, October 18, 2002 [link] 10:46 p.m. listening to: "Hymn" - Jars of Clay I came home early today to try to do some of my homework before the game only to find that certain rooms were being repainted. Including the office. So my desk was covered with plastic and I couldn't get anything done at all. I ended up just going to get a haircut, and then I came home and took a nap. The house smells like paint. Today is one of the days when I'm fucking sick and tired of being diplomatic. There are days, you know, when I'm sick of not saying what I really want to say. Sometimes I want to be able to grab people by the collar and scream in their faces exactly what I think. But I don't because these people are usually already mentally unstable and, uh, it's not good to tell the cold, harsh truth to emotionally unstable people. And I don't want to offend people, because I feel guilty when I offend people. Today is also one of those days when I want to unburden myself. So here I go. It seems like there's so much I'm afraid of. I'm afraid of not getting into college. I'm afraid of being unhappy in college. I'm afraid of being trapped in a career I hate. I'm afraid of my father dying and not being able to repay him for all the wonderful things he's done for me. I'm afraid of myself and what I'm capable of. I'm afraid of offending others. I'm afraid that people will remember my tactless moments and not my good ones. I'm afraid of what other people think of me. I'm so tired. There are people I care for who seem determined to destroy themselves. There are people I want to scream at, but I don't because I don't want to make things worse. There are people I love, and I don't know how to express that. I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of being mature. I'm tired of always watching what I say and where I tread so that I don't make any enemies. I want to be the one who speaks her mind. Why can other people be rude and inconsiderate and I can't? Because I can hold the burden of guilt. Because I have to be the one to save others from themselves. Because I have to be the strong one, the mature one, that will pick up what others have broken. Because I have to be the one who walks behind, making sure that others won't stumble. And if I reach my destination later than the others, then it will have been a journey well worth it. Thursday, October 17, 2002 [link] 07:54 p.m. listening to: "Pray Your Gods" - Toad the Wet Sprocket AP Lit has become the highlight of my day. It's so very sad. I go through Band and AP Gov kind of "eh" and slightly depressed, and then I get to AP Lit and it's, like, "yay!" Ms. Mendez is such a very nice and sweet lady and the class has been fluff so far and it is just wonderful. It almost makes me not care whether or not I'll be ready for the AP test. Then after AP Lit I TA, which is "eh," and then it all goes downhill as I go get my ass kicked in AP Biology and then go home and work straight until midnight with occasional breaks for blogging and eating. Wednesday, October 16, 2002 [link] 11:35 p.m. listening to: "Down From Above" - Moxy Fruvous I think this comic strip speaks to the geeky, nerdy loser in all of us. Every geek or nerd's worst fear is to still be a loser who's picked on outside of high school. Fortunately, it looks like Peejee is ready to shed some blood in today's strip. Or tomorrow, really. Wednesday, October 16, 2002 [link] 09:04 p.m. listening to: "Pray Your Gods" - Toad the Wet Sprocket Since my last entry was rather frustrated and angry, I will now follow it up with a positive one. I'm making good progress on my college applications. I've got all my recommendation-type people lined up, I just need to address the envelopes and hand them out. Christ, that's going to be a lot of envelopes. The Common Application r0xx0rz my s0xx0rz; all the private schools I'm applying to use it. I just have to check and see if any of them require supplementals, secondary blah blah blah. Ms. Borja wanted to see my personal statement, for some reason. I thought the counselors didn't want to see them until you were completely finished, but she wanted to see mine anyway. My long one, that I wrote before I knew how many pages a personal statement was supposed to be. So I dropped off my hard copy yesterday, she read it today, and it made her laugh. The people in the office probably thought she was crazy. She loved it, anyway; said I had a very good, strong voice, a clear style, and that I was going to become famous someday. The last one pleased me; that is, after all, my goal. Then she gave me some suggestions--things to cut out, mostly since it is too long. I cut out everything she suggested and ended up with a personal statement two pages long, single spaced. So! Life is good. Relatively so. Wednesday, October 16, 2002 [link] 07:22 p.m. listening to: "When Will We Fall" - Toad the Wet Sprocket Okay, so today I'm bitching about how I study and study for AP Government and it doesn't seem to affect my grade at all. Other people in the class are having similar problems; they study they get a C, they don't study they get a C. What the hell is up with that? So I'm bitching about it to various people in the class. And they're giving me odd looks and saying, "You don't take failure well, do you?" and "You need to get used to the fact that sometimes, no matter what you do, you're just not going to pass." What the hell kind of attitude is that? Does that mean I should just lie down and let the tests walk all over me? If I'm not passing this class now, how the hell am I going to pass it in college? **waves hands** Does anyone see this problem besides me? It's not that I don't take failure well, it's just that I'm pissed because I don't know why I'm failing. I understand everything we read, I understand everything Mr. Hammett says in class, but I am barely passing the tests--or, in the case of the last test, I didn't pass at all. I don't want to say, "I've never failed a class in my life" or "I've never failed a test in my life" because that's simply not true. I've failed plenty of times, but it was always either because I didn't understand the material or I was just lazy and didn't bother to learn it. I have never failed in a class in which I actively study and put effort in and understand and yes, it's upsetting the hell out of me. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I must be doing something wrong, but I don't know what. Yes, yes, I should probably get used to this now. In college I may as soon fail my ass off as pull barely-passing grades. But I'm not going to lie down and accept that. Tuesday, October 15, 2002 [link] 03:14 p.m. listening to: "Pray Your Gods" - Toad the Wet Sprocket ARRRRRGGGHHH stress! I totally failed the Government test today and I don't know why. I studied and everything--hell, I study my ass off for AP Government. I study almost every frickin' day, along with AP Biology. But I failed the test! And I don't mean Asian fail--I did not get a C. I did not even get a D. I failed with an F, baby. **sobs** I don't understand! What am I doing wrong??? I was prety confident on that test! There were maybe five or six questions where I didn't know what the hell I was doing! Still have to compose brag sheet. Need to read the next Government chapter. Need to read next Biology chapter. Need to practice horn. Arrrrrrrgh. Monday, October 14, 2002 [link] 06:27 p.m. listening to: "Yume no Naka e" - Kareshii Kanojo no Kijou OST The phone has been ringing off the hook lately and my dad hasn't been answering it. Most of them have been calls from credit card companies, which is never a good thing. So today at dinner, I ask him, "Why have we been getting so many calls from credit card companies?" He replies, quite candidly, "Because I haven't been paying them." "Oh," I say. "Will you pay them next month?" "Of course not! I have no money!" "Then when will you pay them?" I persist. "I don't think I will," he says. "I think I'm going to declare bankruptcy. That way you don't have to pay them," he adds, in case I don't know what declaring bankruptcy means. So. Uh. Yeah. I'll just be over here reading about invertebrates. Monday, October 14, 2002 [link] 05:22 p.m. listening to: nothing Things to do: Government scavenger hunt Sophocles report Biology chapters 29-30 ORB project Government chapter 13 College applications Brag sheet Practice horn Uuuggghh. Soooooo tiiiired. Sunday, October 13, 2002 [link] 08:44 p.m. listening to: "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" - Crash Test Dummies I suck. You do not realize that you suck until you join an audition-only performance group. Everyone in it is really, really good and really wants to be there because they auditioned to be there. Not that I'm in PYMO, because I sucked too much at my audition to be in PYMO. I'm in PYMA, which is for people who didn't make it into PYM0. There are sophomores in there who are better than our best-playing seniors. Their horn coach is a nice young lady named Susan who seems to be a blonde, horn-playing version of Paola Marchovecchio, for those of you who are hip to our Gabrielino alumni. I think I spelled her name wrong. I have never seen so many instruments worth so much money in one room. When the oboe player in front of me finished tuning, I asked to borrow his tuner. He handed it to me without a second thought and I dimly remembered seeing it in a display case with a price tag in the nineties. The clarinet players next to me were using hundred-dollar mouthpieces. The brass coach sat down next to me and pulled an eight-thousand dollar French horn out of her case. I'm going to make time to commit to PYMA. Everyone wants to be there because they auditioned, everyone plays really well because they were confident enough to audition in the first place, and I am in awe of the brass coach. I just have to practice a lot and stop being so freaking intimidated by how good everyone is. And it's a lot of fun. I mean, yeah, Wind Ensemble is fun and low-key and I'm comfortable and Mr. Edo tells us stories. But I don't get better in there. I can feel myself getting better in PYMA. I think I walked out of there twice as good as when I walked in. It's a good experience. I'm learning. And then, someday, I won't suck. |
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