Colored Ink
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miss something? check the archives about me name: n/aaliases: kit, kits, kit kat, the smart girl, foxay, an chin age: 20 location: oakland, ca hobbies: anime, manga, comic books, reading, writing, doodling, video games likes: all of the above, being lazy, mushrooms, animals, food, laughing loudly in public, SUSHI dislikes: nuts, stinging/biting insects, religious fanatics, violence, olives contact: coloredink(at)gmail.com wishlist playstation 2car a good night's sleep money stress-free life trigun long colt keychain ipod hardon-kardon speakers 19" flatscreen monitor world peace realistic wishlist dvd-romlucifer vol 7 transmetropolitan vol 3-10 sandman vol 4 long-term obsessions anime/mangayaoi/shounenai/slash writing music animals life and living current obsession(s) smallvillecurrently reading nothing newcurrently watching hana yori dango (20)utena (23) witch hunter robin (18) naruto (58) get backers (27) rose of versailles (19) matantei loki ragnarok (15) scrapped princess (14) peacemaker kurogane (15) fullmetal alchemist (28) sailormoon live action (25) smallville (2.19) |
Wednesday, July 20, 2005 [link] 06:36 p.m. listening to: nothing I am no longer comfortable with my father. It is a new and terrible realization for me. I have always been comfortable with my father. He's been like an idol to me in some ways: something to strive for, something to worship and emulate. We've always been joined together in one battle against my mother, against the stupidity in the world. But it seems that in the time that we've been apart, what with my undergoing therapy and all, I look at our relationship and it is not the same as it once was. My father is human, above all things, and as a human he is selfish, stubborn, and flawed. Sure, he's more intelligent than most, but that doesn't make him any better. That doesn't actually make him superior. I'm starting to realize this now, and realize that my entire life I've been trying to gain his approval. All I really want is for him to praise me, but nothing I ever do is good enough. In my family, getting an A is not exceptional, but expected. Some years ago, my father purchased a new computer for himself. Then he wanted to get the files off of his old computer to his new computer. Using an the router, I networked all the computers in the house together--including the old computer--and showed him how to move which files he wanted. It wasn't difficult; it took maybe half an hour, and all I did was follow the instructions the computer gave me. But my father acted like I'd conquered Greece. He even patted me on the shoulder and told me, "Good work." It's really stupid, but that was one of the happiest moments of my life. Tuesday, July 19, 2005 [link] 01:10 p.m. listening to: "Rods and Cones" - Blue Man Group PILLOW HAS BEEN FOUND! YAY! Sunday, July 17, 2005 [link] 05:29 p.m. listening to: nothing I CAN'T FIND MY LITTLE PILLOW. ;________________; Saturday, July 16, 2005 [link] 10:58 a.m. listening to: "Selig" - Helium Vola So great is my ennui that I've actually begun reading Forbes magazine. It's actually quite a good magazine. Somewhat Americacentric and right-leaning at times, but it's a business magazine, so really what was anyone expecting? I wasn't really expecting anything different. Other than that the articles are informative and well-written, and really my only complaint is that some of the articles are too short. Anyway, there's quite a few Forbes magazines on the coffeetable now, since I requested that my cousin bring home some more from work. "Oh, there's a Forbes magazine in there for you," my cousin said, nodding towards the trunk of the car. So I excavated it, and on the cover was a blonde with a tennis racket, Anna Shara-whatsit, the tennis player. Oprah, George Lucas, the Desperate Housewives, and others were in little floating boxes staggered around aforementioned blonde cleavage. The cover cheerfully announced that it was going to talk about the 100 wealthiest celebrities and named a few of them. I checked to make sure that the magazine was, in fact, titled Forbes. "Dear God," I screamed. "Forbes has become People magazine!" Fortunately, on the inside it still talks about business and companies and did you know that the lady who owns 80% of Xerox is black? Classy. Tuesday, July 12, 2005 [link] 11:46 p.m. listening to: big honkin' playlist When I was very young, I used to read The Berenstain Bears. Maybe you've heard of them. If you're around my age, you may even remember when they were sold at the grocery store next to the registers, in the "impulse buy" aisle next to the candy and magazines. I have fond memories of sorting through the books while standing in line, looking for a Berenstain Bear book I didn't own yet. Of course, I eventually stopped reading the Berenstain Bears and sold my collection of maybe thirty books to one of my cousins, Lee, for twenty-five cents apiece. Lee's been saving them all this time until her own daughter, Rachel, could read them. Rachel apparently likes them. She reads them at the dinner table and before bed. Lee even bought a few of the newer books to add to the collection. And boy, the times, they are a-changing. Not only do the Berenstain Bears have a new addition to the family, Baby Honey, there is now a book titled The Berenstain Bears and the Big Question. The Big Question being, of course, "Who is God?" It apparently ends with Mama Bear taking the family to church. Oh, and Brother and Sister Bear now say their prayers before bed. Now, I'm not saying that Stan and Jan Berenstain being fine, upstanding Christian people is a bad thing (it really doesn't surprise me at all that they're at least nominally Christian; I mean, there are a lot of Christians in the United States). And I'm not saying that the "Who is God?" question isn't something that should be addressed. But it's a difficult question, and it's not one that should be definitively answered with, "Well, God's the one who created the world." It should be answered, "Well, that's a difficult question. Some people believe that. . ." and maybe end with, "I believe that God created the world." That's just my opinion. Your mileage may vary. I love the Berenstain Bears because I feel they deal with relevant kids' issues in a mature way. Now I'm beginning to feel the tinest bit betrayed. Tuesday, July 12, 2005 [link] 08:48 p.m. listening to: "Happiness" - Paul McDermott So my family members have always had a filter installed under the sink, so that you can get filtered water from a little seperate tap. At least, my father's house had this device; my cousin, Lee, has this device installed as well. When I got back from Europe, I was informed by Lee that the filter water thing had broken down, and they were buying water from the store. I smiled and nodded and drank Crystal Geyser water, and went with them on a trip to the store to buy more. Then we forgot to buy more filtered water. I thought nothing of it until I went to the kitchen one morning to find a note: Lee had boiled water on the stove for me to drink. Yeah, you read that right. She boiled tap wter on the stove for us to drink. I informed her that the United States is not, in fact, a third world nation and the tap water is perfectly drinkable. And to demonstrate, I got myself a glass of water from the tap, put ice cubes in it, and drank it. Tuesday, July 12, 2005 [link] 12:15 a.m. listening to: "Cathedrals" - Jump, Little Children I had a semi-whiny entry written about my inability to miss people, and then I went and read PostSecret instead. It always takes me out of my own problems. Monday, July 11, 2005 [link] 12:01 p.m. listening to: "Hummingbird" - Kris Delmhorst I never thought that Penny Arcade would make me wiggle and squeal in joy at the cute, but it has. Oh, it has. Such genius. Saturday, July 9, 2005 [link] 01:04 p.m. listening to: "Blue Eyes" - Cary Brothers WARNING: MAJOR WHINING AHEAD. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. I think I've mentioned elsewhere on this blog that I can get a little maudlin when I drink. If you missed that entry, well, uh, sometimes I get a little maudlin when I drink. So after AnimExpo, exhausted and tired, I mixed myself one of those aforementioned Malibu/pineapple/grenadine cocktails (actually, it was Malibu/pineapple/guava/grenadine, because someone drank all my pineapple juice and replaced it with pineapple/guava), knocked it back while checking my email, and then went to bed. While lying awake, I became acutely aware of how I don't fit here. I'm sleeping in my niece's bedroom, for Chrissakes. There's no room for me here. I don't belong. And then I started thinking about how I've basically been abandoned--my mother never wanted me, my aunt left me, and finally my father left me--and I live on the charity of my cousins and I'm so unworthy of love boohoo I listen to SAD EMO MUSIC dear God I need to stop drinking before going to bed. I'm intensely frustrated with my current emotional state. Therapy has given me awareness of my problems, but no clear way to solve them. I like things clear-cut and straightforward, solution A or solution B. But it's not like that now. I don't want to go to therapy over the summer. That's money I don't have, and plus I'd have to get my family involved, which I don't really want to do. My problems are my own, and I hate having to rely on others all the time. I feel like I impose on them enough. The summer's short enough; in five weeks I'll be back at school where I belong, and then I can see my own therapist for free. I just have to be patient. I just wish I didn't have to be patient all the time. Friday, July 8, 2005 [link] 12:27 p.m. listening to: "Jr." - Xenosaga II Today's Questionable Content makes my little superhero-obsessed heart squeal with glee. Thursday, July 7, 2005 [link] 05:50 p.m. listening to: "Selig" - Helium Vola I have no idea how many of my old high school friends/acquaintances still read this blog, but I have a confession to make: I got a 4 on the AP Literature test. Thank you, and that is all. Wednesday, July 6, 2005 [link] 03:49 p.m. listening to: nothing I've finally set up my own computer! I have my optical mouse with roller! I have my subwoofer! I have all my options and programs! At last, I feel whole again! And now to download iTunes. . . Tuesday, July 5, 2005 [link] 01:04 p.m. listening to: "You Look So Fine" - Garbage Ugh. Got back from working Anime Expo last night; I just took a shower, checked my email/flist, and went straight to bed. So exhausted. And my back hurts worse than ever. It's been giving me trouble for a few weeks now--I think a month of backpacking in Europe and then a week of sleeping on the floor did not agree with it--but after all that standing around/heavy lifting it's oscillating between oh-God-someone-give-me-Ibuprofen-now pain and only slightly annoying pain. I have so much to do this summer. I think it's time to make another list. - apply for study abroad - find a job/make some money - see the chiropractor - get a haircut - lose more weight - finish watching Firefly - fix my burner/buy a new burner - actually drag my books out of the garage and sort them Aaaauuuugh. |
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