Spinning on that dizzy edge
I kissed her face and kissed her head
And dreamed of all the different ways I had
To make her glow
Why are you so far away? she said
Why won't you ever know...

Marisa and I had lunch with Mike today. In fact, I just got back. It was nice seeing him after seven months of absence. I was late, of course. It's my trademark, yet another one of my character flaws. But Mike said that he expected it. I'm always late. It tells people that they can't count on me; it also tells them that I have a life before them. I was late for a couple reasons. First, I had to go to the bank, my dad. Then, as I was driving to Chandara, I realized that I needed to get Mike a gift. Gum, I'll get him gum, I said. It's an inside joke. So, I drove into a gas station, but didn't see the kind of gum that I wanted. I wanted the 25 cent packs of Wrigley's, but they only had Trident and Dentyne. So I just decided to go to Rite Aid on Larchmont. Fifteen minutes late, I buy six packs of gum and even ribbon to wrap it in. Thirty minutes late, I walk in to Chandara, looking lost. The woman at the bar asks if I need any help, and I mumble as I look around the Thai restaurant, "I'm with someone." And then I hear it, "Danielle." I wonder how I overlooked him in the first place. He was almost the same old Mike; I noticed that his hairline was receding. Maybe law school does that to you.

The chicken was dry; I've had better. I don't think the lunch was about the food. It was about just talking to him, just being in his presence. At times, I felt out of place. Marisa dominated the conversation, and sometimes I hate her for that. She does have that dominating personality. But maybe, it was because I couldn't talk. I knew that I would have a hard time talking to him. I felt like a fool, smiling like I did. And maybe I am a fool. Vanessa thought that seeing him would end my obsession. I thought it would too. For months, I've placed him on a pedestal. I thought maybe it was because he had been so far away. Maybe it would have been better if I had never seen him again. Marisa and I sometimes joke about the last time we saw him in May. It was so corny that it could have been a movie.

I must say, the last ten minutes I was with him must have been the best. I parked my car two spaces in front of Mike's on the street. Marisa had parked in a parking structure a block away, so she walked in the other direction. We got to talk alone for a couple of minutes. I'm not even sure what we talked about. We were just standing on the sidewalk exchanging banter. I gave him a hug and the gum. He laughed. He had chewed all the gum I gave him in May. He told me not to go to Tulane. Earlier, he had said that if Marisa and I joined a sorority at USC, he'd come back to kick both of our asses. Interesting.

I would be stupid to go to Georgetown Nursing just because he's at Law. I think my parents know that's why I'm even applying. He said that we might not see each other for two years. I miss him already.
Thursday, December 28, 2000, 04:53 p.m.

Yale. Yes, I'm applying to Yale. Yale, with its 10% admission rate. Do you remember that Saved by the Bell when Zack told everyone that he was going to "*Coughs* Yale *Coughs*"? I remember now that he cheated on his SATs; I think he sat next to Screech or something. Anyway, at least I can say that I tried. Oh, and I'm stuck.

Now write the essay you would have written if you were not trying so hard to say just the right thing to the Yale Admissions Committee. Perhaps you felt torn, wondering which of two topics to discuss. Regain your equanimity by writing about the one you didn't choose.

So they want me to try not to impress them? Is that it? Regain my equanimity? As if I ever had any eqanimity...
Wednesday, December 27, 2000, 10:30 p.m.

The family went to midnight mass for Christmas. And I, because I am a yes-woman, was a lector. I can hardly say no to anything, yet another one of my character flaws. The church was packed. I was like, "Where did all these people come from?" and "Where is that hot guy the other 51 weeks out of the year?" As one of my friends said to me last night, "I wonder why people bother going to church on just Christmas and Easter." Really, why do people bother going to church on just Christmas and Easter? For Christmas, you hear that Jesus was born in a manger. For Easter, you hear that Jesus died on the cross. Those Christmas & Easter worshippers don't get to hear what Jesus did in between. If you think about it, Jesus was a pretty cool guy. He had groupies, and he hung out with hookers. Anyway, enough with the internet-evangelism.

Merry Christmas.
Monday, December 25, 2000, 02:51 a.m.

It's Christmas Eve eve. And the family still doesn't have a Christmas tree. I don't think we're getting a Christmas tree this year; our living and dining rooms are still under construction. But of course, Christmas isn't about trees, stockings, and ham. As said by the Grinch of Dr. Seuss' book How the Grinch Stole Christmas, "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" Just as long as I'm with my family and I hear Johnny Mathis asking Do you see what I see? in the background, it's Christmas enough for me.

On to college news: I have conquered the College Board, I have not allowed it to conquer me. And no, I didn't get a 1600. I did, however, achieve my goal and break 1400. I did a kick-ass job on verbal, if I do say so myself. But almost, I don't care. It's just a number. I spent so much time worrying about what I would get and what colleges would think of me. It really doesn't matter, I don't think. It's just a number. I don't want to be a number.
Saturday, December 23, 2000, 03:32 p.m.

Insomnia. Actually, I think it's called fucking up your sleeping patterns while on vacation. I think I went to sleep around three last night after watching Magnolia with Jerel and Vanessa. Good movie; I actually didn't want it to end.

I think I went shopping yesterday. Actually, I've gone shopping every day since the 14th. Interesting. And I wonder where all my money goes.

Monday was pretty uneventful. Sunday...let's not talk about Sunday. Saturday was pretty weird. Marisa called me up and asked if we could go out. After I agree, she tells me that we're going to her mother's friend's party, with politicos. Interesting. I wasn't really sure what to expect. It's Marisa, after all. She comes up with the most amazing stories sometimes, like when she dated Ben Savage. To a point, I believe her on that one. She has a lot of the facts straight. However, I have yet to meet Corey Matthews and Kevin Arnold. Anyway, when we're driving away from my house, she tells me that we're going to Gloria Molina's house. So we're going hard-core Democrat now. At the get-together, Marisa introduces me to four congresspeople, some guy running for mayor of Los Angeles, and the Speaker of the Assembly of California. So, Marisa does tell the truth.

We went to the House of Pies afterward, and we talked a lot. She drives like a madman; she almost got me killed.

I often catch myself asking her,"When is Mike coming home?" I act like we have some kind of hold over him or something. We wonder why someone like Mike has so infiltrated our thoughts and our lives. In essence, he's such a nerd. Everyone knows it. Even Jerel and Marisa's brother said so. But it's almost depressing how much we miss him. We almost don't want him successful. Marisa thinks that he should've waited a year before going to Georgetown. Yeah, like Marisa could've chained and shackled him to the bedpost. Eww. Scratch that. It has almost gotten to the point of scary obsession. I always used to think Marisa had a crush on him. She's always denied it. I say I look at him as the brother I never had. I teeter between that and crush. However, if I think about it long enough it is disgusting. He's seen me cry (a lot), he's seen me laugh, he's seen me in torn pantyhose. He's seen me on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and he's seen me at my worst. He's watched me grow, he's said no to Danielle and Vanessa bribe attempts. He gave me daisies. I do have a brotherly endearment towards him. It's Marisa's worst case scenarios that push me over the edge.
Marisa: Wouldn't it be funny if in ten years I just meet you in the street and you tell me that you married Mike?
Really. For about thirty minutes we talked about the future Mrs. D. Vanessa thinks that it's quite disturbing, and it is. It's funny how girls talk about trivial stuff like marriage. We have weddings all planned out, we have our eyes on that Vera Wang, and we have in mind who the perfect man is. I asked Marisa why she couldn't marry Mike. She said she couldn't imagine kissing him. Good point, Marisa. I told her that she could have one of those platonic relationships. She said marriage was for sex. I then said that she'd probably have one kick-ass wedding. Good point, Danielle. Anyway, Mike is coming home on December 26. It seems that he won't be spending Christmas with his family. We will hopefully be taking him out for lunch sometime next week. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at him in the same way again.

On another note, my acceptance letter from Tulane University came. Maybe I'll go visit them during Mardi Gras.
Wednesday, December 20, 2000, 02:23 a.m.

Oh my goodness.

My heart's not beating as fast as it was. I submitted my Stanford app at 11:59:00. That's crazy. I realize now that I had two typos in my essays. Dammit. I didn't want to go there anyway.

Last day of school was Friday. Yay. We had a Christmas program, and the seniors sang the obligatory Silent Night. It was pretty melancholy. So sad, so sad.
Saturday, December 16, 2000, 12:28 a.m.

I took my last SAT I yesterday. I think I'm doomed to be stuck at 13-something. It's a very unlucky number. My goal was to break 1400, but I doubt that's going to happen. I'll just go to UCI then. I'll be majoring in Biology and also Criminology, Law & Society. My cousin says that I'm going to be Agent Scully. Maybe.

Nora and I went to the Galleria and met up with Marisa. Marisa is crazy. We were looking for make-up, and she bought everything. We went to Stila and I bought the holiday special for $26. It had two eye-shadows, lip gloss, and two lipsticks. Then she decides to get it too. Then we went to Sephora, and them she bought the Urban Decay face kit. Then we went to True Colors and she spent $30 there. All because she likes eye-shadow.

Today was IH Open House, and as an ASB officer, I had to be there. I smiled and said, "Welcome to Immaculate Heart." Last year I used to say, "Welcome to Immaculate Heart. Hope to see you here next year." I can't say that anymore.
Sunday, December 3, 2000, 06:39 p.m.

So really, how was my week? It should have been nice; we did have a four-day week. Our school raised over $100,000 during our fundraiser, so they gave us Monday off. This week, however, has had people pulling their hair out.

I'm so proud of myself. I did not procrastinate on my UC application. I was not one of those people with some outrageous story about going LAX at 11:00 at night. Too bad, huh. I actually sent the application on Wednesday, November 29, 2000, as opposed to Thursday, November 30, 2000. I think I had to prove something to my mom. I could do something right for once. She thinks I'll end up like Jerel or something. I probably will. I wrote a damn good personal statemnent, if I do say so myself. I finished that early enough that I got my college counselor, some classmates, and some representative from Berkeley to read it. Anyway, my life isn't in my control anymore. Some faceless guy now holds my future in his hands.

On another note, I didn't do my Mt. St. Mary's application. I didn't tell my mom. But why should I waste her money when I have no intentions on going to another all girl's school. Four years is enough for me. Nora wants to know why I don't have a boyfriend. She says that I'm sweet and "homely," but not in the domestic housewife sort of way. Now what guy wants homely?

What about I just stop the college applications process right now? Nobody says that I have to apply to Vanderbilt, Georgetown, or U Penn. I could be quite happy at UC Irvine. Maybe not. I'll tell you a little secret. My first choice is UC Berkeley. I even bought the sweatshirt to prove it.
Saturday, December 2, 2000, 12:48 a.m.

nelle@envy.nu
http://www.envy.nu/nelle


ARCHIVES

July
August
September
October
November

A Day in the Life of Danielle
December 2, 2000

Age:
17 years, 6 months, and 7 days

Looking forward to:
December 17, 2000
Winter Formal
A Touch of Winter

Required Reading:
Rosencrantz & Guildenstern are Dead
by Tom Stoppard
Joy Luck Club
by Amy Tan
Emma
by Jane Austen
The Little Prince
by Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Last Movie:
Bounce
Charlie's Angels

Song of the Moment:
Just Like Heaven
The Cure

What's Spinning:
When the Pawn...
Fiona Apple

Talking to:
Nobody

Craving:
Chili's Awesome Blossom

I'm feeling:
Melancholy

Sisterly saying:
"Log off, web hog..."



© 2000 Danielle p.b.