I got my feet on the ground and I don't go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds and you're not all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don't forget what I told you, don't come around, I got my own hell to raise
-Fiona Apple

Marisa [4:07 PM]: Yesh... I had an awful dream though.. you were in it
Danielle [4:07 PM]: Really? tell me about it
Danielle [4:07 PM]: I hope I didn't do anything bad
Marisa [4:08 PM]: We were in this room, and you started like humming to yourself (very scary).. and then I suddenly am in this room with you and all you are doing is humming and then screaming devil every ten seconds.. suddenly before I know it, you are stabbing me in the abdomen and in the head, but then you were screaming "retribution!" I was very weirded out

Marisa just told me about a dream she had about me. Either she's trying to trick me, or her insight is better than even I expect. First of all, the humming thing sounds like it's straight out of Stephen King novel. So Marisa's in this room with me and I'm screaming "Devil." Marisa and I have had a very rocky relationship. Mike has said that he's surprised that we're still friends; it seemed like it was the end of Marisa and Danielle a couple of times last year. In the middle of May, I hated her. She wormed her way into my birthday lunch at Islands. And I'm not sure if I'm lucky or if she's lucky to have this relationship. Her dream has me stabbing her in the abdomen and in the head. She fears it has something to do about her appendix and her migraine spells. She had to be rushed to the hospital twice because of her medical trouble. And maybe she sees that I want to kill that. According to the Merriam-Webster, retribution means "the dispensing or receiving of reward or punishment especiallly in the hereafter." Hmm, maybe I do need a reward for putting up with her crap. Or maybe, she feels guilty for the things she did. That sounds right. Hey, this dream was hers, not mine.
Monday, January 15, 2001, 04:19 p.m.

Karma police arrest this girl
Her Hitler hairdo is making me feel ill
And we have crashed her party

This is what you get
This is what you get
This is what you get when you mess with us

Karma police I've given all I can
It's not enough
I've given all I can
But we're still on the payroll

This is what you get
This is what you get
This is what you get when you mess with us

For a minute there I lost myself
I lost myself
For a minute there I lost myself
I lost myself
For a minute there I lost myself
I lost myself
For a minute there I lost myself
I lost myself
-Radiohead

I woke up today thinking that the family was just going to a normal brunch for my grandmother's 85th birthday. My dad woke me up and told me that we were going to the Renaissance Restaurant on Franklin and Bronson, which is pretty close to my school. To put things into perspective, I said, "It's probably across the street from the Church of Scientology." However, after fifteen minutes of shouting with my dad, we still couldn't find the bloody restaurant. So, my dad calls and finds out that it's inside the Celebrity Centre (sic). Ah, so we're joining the Scientologists for lunch. (In no way am I criticizing you if you are Scientologist. This is just my perspective as a Catholic school girl. I'm trying to be as open as possible.)

Brunch was good. I have to hand that to them. However, my uncles were like, "Let's go on the tour." I actually believed that we were going on a tour about the hotel's history. How naive am I? The tour guide starts talking about Dianetics and the Purification Process. It was something straight out of a science-fiction novel. That was the genre in which L. Ron Hubbard wrote. My sister asked the tour guide why she had joined Scientology. She really didn't have a good explanation. She just said that it worked.

They made us watch a movie called Orientation, and my sister covered her ears because she claimed she was being brainwashed. The movie did have that "brainwashing" quality to it. The message, to an extent, was good. How does the way we treat our bodies affect our spirit? I can see how a person could need that type of guidance. Guidance counselors came in the means of auditors. I don't know about you, but "auditors" connotes to me the IRS and taxes. There's something fishy about the whole process. An important part of the movie was about which books to buy. There was like a packet of books that you had to buy in order to understand the Church. I don't doubt that it was pretty pricy. For five minutes in the movie, there were about twenty people who talked about their Scientology miracle stories. Kirstie Alley said, "If it weren't for Scientology, I would be dead." John Travolta said something along those lines. It surprised me that I didn't see Tom and Nicole. I realized that they were bombarding me with propaganda. If I wasn't a stronger person, I might have given in.
Sunday, January 14, 2001, 03:25 p.m.

I wouldn't know what to do with another chance
If you gave it to me
I couldn't take the embrace of a real romance
It'd race right through me
I'm much better off the way things are
Much better off, better by far, by far
-Fiona Apple

Val and I are talking about the effects of single-sex education on the girl/woman's psyche. Certainly, from my point of view, the benefits of an all-girls education outweigh the harms. Throughout my four years at IHHS, I've grown in a way that makes me comfortable to express myself. One of my teachers has commented that we are not afraid to make ourselves look like dorks. We're girls in a man-free environment. We don't care what we look like. Granted, I and many other girls do choose to wear make-up, comb our hair, and take showers. I never, however, have had any desire to look good for a guy. I mean, where am I going to pick up guys? At Rite-Aid? However, we do try to look fresh, clean, etc. because you can't have "Women of Great Heart and Right Conscience" who look really bad in wrinkled uniforms. Many people complain about uniforms. I actually like them. Uniforms aren't that bad. I've worn uniforms for twelve years; I have about sixty more years to dress myself. I don't have to think about the fashion police, and screw coordination. As an added bonus, I get hit on more when I'm in my uniform.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm missing out on. Yeah, right. Nicole thinks that I should get a job to meet guys. Really, that isn't the safest either. That comes from a girl who met her boyfriend through speech and debate. In no way am I criticizing speech and debate. Sometimes I must remind her of the incident.

I have only one more semester of this single-sex education. I'm thinking that I should enjoy it while it lasts. Finals are Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I need a miracle.
Saturday, January 13, 2001, 12:11 a.m.

Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else
Sunny days,
Oh where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong...
-Travis

There must be something wrong with the world if I get a carwash (the only one I've had since August), and it starts raining three days later. Wonderful. I love the rain. I visited the post office again today. This application for nursing school is definitely my second to last app. Do I even want to go to nursing school? I think this is something I let my mother talk me into. I wonder if I'll turn out like my mom. With my luck, I'll probably end up with a daughter just like me.

Speaking of nursing, one of my classmates overheard me talking about applying to nursing school.

Danielle: I'm applying to nursing school.
Michelle: What? You want to become a nurse? Why do you want to become a nurse? Do you know how much money they make? Why not become a doctor? They make more money.
Danielle: Uh, yeah. Whatever.

Really, is that the only reason people become doctors? When asked whey they want to become doctors, many of my classmates have said, "Uh, well they make a lot of money." Interesting. Marisa asked me why I wanted to do whatever it is that I wanted to do. I said that I wanted to help people. I do. I do think that I probably want to help people because of the wrong reasons. I feel guilty for things. And I don't see any other way to fix whatever it is I feel guilty for. It's funny because I know so many people expect more from me. I think I'm beginning to discern what it is that I want and what it is that other people want for me. So many people have tried to tell me what to do and what they think would be better for me. I've forgotten what I want to do. I have a feeling that I'll never be happy with any of my choices. Still, I hope to God that I don't find myself transferring to USC next year.
Wednesday, January 10, 2001, 05:42 p.m.

I have the strongest desire to go to Vanderbilt. That's kinda scary.
Friday, January 5, 2001, 11:22 p.m.

nelle@envy.nu
http://www.envy.nu/nelle


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A Day in the Life of Danielle
January 5, 2001

Age:
17 years, 7 months, and 10 days

Looking forward to:
January 19, 2001
Semester Break

Required Reading:
The Metamorphosis
by Franz Kafka

Last Movie:
Magnolia

Song of the Moment:
Infected
Bad Religion

What's Spinning:
Ophelia
Natalie Merchant

Talking to:
Adela VL

Craving:
Fried Cheese-on-a-Stick (Extra Crispy)

I'm feeling:
Giddy

Sisterly saying:
"Bitch...I have to do the midnight thread."




© 2000 Danielle p.b.