All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go,
I'm standing here outside the door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breakin', it's early morn',
The Taxi's waitin', he's blown his horn.
Already I'm so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you'll wait for me,
Hold me like you never let me go.
'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane,
Don't know when I'll be back again.
Oh babe, I hate to go
-John Denver

I'm actually at the University of Notre Dame right now. My host is in bed, sleeping. Anyway, I love this place. Yes, South Bend is a pretty shady town, but the University is amazing. In the game between Notre Dame and Georgetown, Notre Dame's up a couple of points.

On Thursday night, I checked my e-mail and found out that I got into UC Berkeley. I found out from my sister that I also got into UCLA. That's amazing. The reason I applied to so many private schools was because I didn't think the competitive state schools would accept me. I mean, these past four years, I've totally bashed UCLA because they were too gross for my tastes. And my sister also listed LMU. My Notre Dame acceptance letter also came in the mail. It's official now.
Sunday, April 1, 2001, 01:36 a.m.

Things I once thought
Unbelievable
In my life
Have all taken place
When we walked through
Little Italy
I saw my reflection
Come right off your face
I paint pictures
To remember
You're too beautiful
To put into words
Like a gypsy
You dance in circles
All around me
And all over the world

And I feel like some bird of paradise
My bad fortune slipping away
And I feel the innocence of a child
Everybody's got something good to say...
-PJ Harvey

I really do feel my bad fortune slipping away. Maybe I'm still on a Kairos high. Whatever it is, I'm feeling pretty happy. Sure, I was pretty lost in all my classes today. But I don't think I really care. The last quarter starts in two days. As long as I don't fail any classes, I'll be just fine. Because, yes, I'll say it again. I'm going to Georgetown. Hehe.

I've been thinking a lot about it these past few days. It eventually became a choice between Notre Dame and Georgetown. I promised myself that I wouldn't make a decision until I visited both of the schools, but I pretty much jumped the gun. I'll be flying out to South Bend at the end of March. Maybe I'm only hyped about them because they're giving me a free trip. An IH grad from three years ago talked to me and said she was psyched about me visiting. I hope she doesn't suck me in. In retrospect, I believe that I'm the only girl in four graduating classes who has gotten into Georgetown. My family and I will be visiting D.C. during Easter vacation. But I never know. Some amazing revelation could dawn on me the second I step on Notre Dame's campus. I think that's exactly what I'm waiting for...some kind of divine intervention. Maybe I want God's voice to say, "Danielle, this is where you're supposed to go." When I was so stressed out about applications earlier this year, Ms. Pollia used to tell me, "You'll get in where you're supposed to get in." Okay. But what about if you get in to a superfluous amount of places? How am I supposed to know? For all I know, I probably should be going to USC or something. Oh yeah. I got into two more colleges: UC San Diego and University of San Diego. Yes, there is a difference.
Monday, March 19, 2001, 10:51 p.m.

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right it front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

Let it be, let it be
Let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
-The Beatles

"What day is it day? Wake up. Wake up. It's the fourth day." That's how I woke up this morning. That's how the last day of Kairos XIII began. I left for the infamous retreat on Tuesday after school. I wasn't sure what I was going for. Maybe something in between going for the sake of my friends, going to make amends, going to figure out what I'm supposed to do, going to miss three days of school. But I did go. That's what made the difference.

I can't exactly go through everything that happened. We ate a lot. It was weird having "hearty" meals at specific times. I'm not exactly sure what that did to the anorexics and bulemics in my class. I know, however, that my classmates and I made some weird bond concerning personal hygiene and the toilet. Sanders explained it to me: "We're missing our toilets, so everyone's constipated." It was so funny. Nobody wanted to take a dump the first two days. I think a lot of people were embarrassed or not used to eating so much food. Christine brought Glade air freshener. That chick is one smart girl. I would have never thought of that. And thank God for Immodium AD. It was so funny that we were all talking about farts and just letting the gas pass. And that sneeze-fart? Yep, that was me.

There were the late-night conversations by candlelight, the sobbing and the tears, the extra large boxes of Kleenex, and the deep dark problems that you only thought you had. At first I was kind of turned off by the fact that it seemed like mass group therapy. I was afraid that it would turn out to be the "pity-party" that Megan had warned me about. Yeah, the stories did seem that way. But the message was there. I think the point was that we're not alone. Nobody's perfect. Nobody has the perfect family. Nobody really has the perfect body. Nobody really has the perfect life. We don't need to try so hard to look perfect. We just need to let ourselves be.

Live the fourth!
Friday, March 16, 2001, 11:20 p.m.

I've got a bad disease
Up from my brain is where I bleed
Insanity it seems
It's got me by my soul to squeeze

Where's all the love for me
With all the dying trees I scream
The angels in my dreams yeah
They turn to demons of greed that’s me

Where I go I just don’t know
I've got to got to gotta take it slow
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna give ya some of my good time
-Red Hot Chili Peppers

I got into Georgetown. I opened the letter yesterday, but I'm still in shock. I screamed for about fifteen minutes straight. And I couldn't keep my mouth shut today. I told everyone. Well, I told some people, and it got around. I don't think it's set in yet. It's an amazing feeling. I can now tell Stanford to go screw itself.

You know, I still have to figure out what the hell I'm going to do with myself. I really do think I'm doomed if I go to Georgetown. Every time I think of Mike, I want to barf. I know I should just leave it alone and wait for scar tissue to form. This big gaping hole I feel I have won't be filled by pining after some guy. Rule #1: Don't go to college to follow a guy. I feel that my decisions have so many ulterior motives. I hate this. It would look like I was crazy if I turned down this opportunity. But I want to go because of him. And I don't want to go because of him. I hate him.

Tulane's offering a nice scholarship. I can use the money I save for beer. Just kidding. I love New Orleans. But I don't think my parents are paying for me to live in everlasting Mardi Gras. That's another hyperbole, but what's life without embellishments. Oh yeah, I'm in Irvine too. But Jerel will still be there. He'll be a super-senior. I'll be Jerel's little cousin.
Tuesday, March 6, 2001, 07:33 p.m.

I walk along the city streets
You used to walk along with me
And every step I take reminds me
Of just how we used to be
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me

As shadows fall,
I pass a small cafe where we would dance at night
And I can't help recalling
How it how it felt to kiss and hold you tight
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
When there is always something there to remind me
Always something there to remind me
-Naked Eyes

It was Nora's ring ceremony today. Actually, it was Junior Class ring ceremony. Nora asked me which was the better experience: being the ringed or being the ringer. It was fun giving the ring, even though I remember that my ring ceremony was a surreal experience. It's like being admitted into some kind of secret society. Our class ring, for some odd reason, instills in us some permanent pride. As Nora's ring sister, I took her out to lunch with Val and Mari and their ring sisters. Between Marisa and me, I don't think a decision can really be made. For days, we had been waffling between House of Pies and Gladstones on PCH. We ended up at the Cheesecake Factory in Old Town, a pretty tame place considering that we almost did drive to Malibu. I swear, I will never eat at the Cheesecake Factory ever again. Let me restate that. I will never eat anything other than cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. The food is way overpriced for the crappy food that they serve. Granted, it's served in large portions, but it's really no excuse for the nine-dollar "Navaho" sandwich of lettuce and tomato.

Anyway, after lunch, Nora and I decided to go watch a movie. We both wanted to see Heads over Heels, but I guess it must have really sucked because it's not playing anywhere. We ended up watching Sweet November. It was one of those movies that leaves you very unsatisfied, more of a bittersweet November than a sweet one. I couldn't stop thinking of Keanu as Neo. I don't even remember his character's name. Oh yeah. It was Nelson.

I was admitted into USC. My father has been cracking jokes about being a Trojan. And he keeps on singing the fight song and he marches when he sees me. Today, I got into UC Riverside. Wonderful. Four down. And one month more to go.
Thursday, March 1, 2001, 10:23 p.m.

nelle@envy.nu
http://nelle.envy.nu


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A Day in the Life of Danielle
March 1, 2001

Age:
17 years, 9 months, and 6 days

Looking forward to:
March 13, 2001
Kairos XIII

Reading & Read:
The Sound and the Fury
by William Faulkner

Madame Bovary
by Gustave Flaubert

Last Movie:
Hannibal
Sweet November

Song of the Moment:
Charm Attack
Leona Naess

What's Spinning:
Comatised
Leona Naess

Talking to:
No One

Craving:
German Chocolate Cheesecake
from the Cheesecake Factory

I'm feeling:
Very Sick

Sisterly saying:
"She's abusive..."




© 2000, 2001 Danielle