fOR reaSOns unExpLAiNed she LoVED thE MOnkeY MAn

Wed|03.20

I lost a shitload of weight recently and I'm not giving myself any credit for it. Part of it's because I'm not finished. The rest of it is that I'm pretending it never happened, kind of, and in another way, on the THIRD hand if you WILL, I'm trying to gain it all back. I don't WANT to gain it back, or DOOooOo I. I don't know what goes on in my mind. Not really. I feel like an addict sometimes. I mean, I know I am, in some ways, by some definitions. Sometimes by my own, if I'm honest about it. Which I hate to be, because then I have to say, okay, well then what? And then change my life. Or change the way I think, or something. My choices, yeah, but how? How the FUCK do you change? Is it giving in to give in? Is it lazy not to find another way? Why do I keep trying the way that's not working anymore?

I make anyone around me miserable after surface stuff is gone and vice versa, so I'm alone. That's not completely true. Physically, yeah, it's me and the cat. She's next to me, curled up. Sleeping. She won't let me clean her ears. I don't blame her. I like when she bites my arm, and she's holding back on the damage she could do, and she's watching me as she does it. I like when we're both on the bed, and I lean my head toward her, and she bites my hair, and I can feel her teeth scrape against my scalp. She never breaks the skin, I don't know how she can do that so perfectly.

The truth is no matter how shitty I feel, the clothes that were too big for me yesterday are still too big for me today. That may change but I won't be asleep while it happens. Not literally, anyway.

ZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZzzzz

youuuuu you haVe your owwwWWn spciAl wayyyyy

Mon|03.18

People were crazy for the Genesis where I grew up. Not the Phil COLLINS Genesis, not that suckass version. Oh no. Heavens no. The GABRIEL Genesis. Ohhhh yes. That one. Sure, they'd LISTEN to Phil. Three Sides Live was KIND OF Genesis. In a WAY. But Gabriel ruled.

Every prom theme was either "Follow You Follow Me" or "Your Own Special Way." Yeah, I know, "Follow You" was Collins. But, but, the song got ya RIGHT THERE. Okay, maybe not.

"It's one o'clock and time for lunch, hum de DUM de dum dum." Do you know what that's from? I do. It will never be pounded out of my head. God knows I've tried.

When Zeppelin was scheduled to come to town, when the Stones played the Terrierdome, did people care? Yes, KIND OF, but it's not like it was GENESIS for Christ's sake. GENESIS!!!! GENESIS!!!!

GENESIS!

Kids are nuts. There, that was one point five minutes of your time. Thank you then. Bye-bye.

I said good DAY to you, sir!

come AWWN lessgo space truckin

Sun|03.17

Ever since kissing the carpet guy who installed our wall-to-wall shag back in the early 70s, I've loved the mens. I SUUUURE DO LOOoOoVE THE MENS. Okay it started before that, in kindygarden. But I've been thinking about celebrity crushes, mostly because I have no fucking idea of what to write for this thing so I thought Johnny Gage, remember Johnny Gage? While finding pics to link to this incredibly fascinating installment of retardoooo blog, I looked at all these guys and wondered what the hell I'd been seeing. I mean sure, RANDOLPH MANTOOTH still has a special place in me heart, him being the first actor I had a crush on, but David Soul? Shaun Cassidy? Please.

Then of course when you bring up Shaun Cassidy, Leif Garrett and Andy Gibb must be mentioned. Check out that hair.

There was one episode of Starsky & Hutch that was pivotal in shaping how I viewed the world and what I would later see as romantic, although I couldn't tell you exactly how. I found a summary of it:

5. The Fix Wed, Oct 8, 1975 10 PM

I've never tried heroin, and haven't enjoyed most of the junkies I've met, so I doubt it's that. It could've sparked my faskination with seediness. Or maybe I picked up on homoerotic subtext when Starsky nursed him back to health. I could see me digging that.

Mostly I remember thinking how sexy and frightening it all was, Hutch tied to a nondescript motel bed, going through withdrawal or being high or something. Every so often a gangster would come in and shoot drugs into his arm. He made faces and was covered in sweat, he moved his head back and forth and moaned.

I bet it was Robert Loggia who hooked my Hutch on the skank. The junk. The...white...horse. At the time (I was nine!) I didn't know who Robert Loggia was. I know who he is now, for all the good it does me.

bad luck kitty put a spellll on meeeee

Sat|03.16

I got the performance anxiety with the writing. Plus I think I'm out of things. It would help if I read the paper or something maybe. Or read anything, at all. Or went outside or listened to people or .... hmmmm.

I am just so tired. I can't complain about this enough. Sooo tired.

The calendar over there is turned to August 2001. 2002 is on a chair, ready to go. READY! It's very pretty, too. But. I don't know. It's 2002? Okay, okay. Okay.

How embarrassing. But there have to be bad entries. THIS IS ONE! If there weren't horribly boring entries, um. Something something something. zzzzzzzzzzzzz

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