SNOT RUNNING DOWN HIS NOSE

Fri|06.28

I must be a greatest hits type of person. Yup, I've been in my journals again. TURN BACK NOW! Before it's too late. This week's blog was just transcribing, wasn't it? I guess it's easier to type than think and/or write. Anyway, I was gonna do a write/transcribe combo, but I picked a different entry instead. This one cracks me up near the end. You just don't see it coming. VIVE LA LUNA.

bill collectors ring my phone scare my wife when I'm not home

Thurs|06.27

Some things stay with me, some things don't. Don't know why my brain picks what it does. Random sampling.

Mena's hanging with Del's little brother Joel since Del died, and I get dragged along. I'm in a major depression though I don't really know it. I just think something is inherently wrong with me and I'm embarrassed by it, and my friends are embarrassed by me. "Will you fucking SPEAK?" Emmy says, at one point. "My mom thinks something's WRONG with you."

Come to think of it, this can't be after Del died. He must've been in jail. That's why he's not in this story. BUT I DIGRESS. Jesus, this was gonna be really short. BAM! There it is. But no. I gotta digress, don't I. Yup.

Joel is as quick and charismatic as his brother, yet doesn't seem to be a total psychopath, which is where they differ. I still don't want to be there. I know he doesn't like me, or worse, I'm a curiosity to him, a bug that moves sideways instead of forward, or one with too many legs.

BUT I DIGRESS.

I never really knew either of them that well. In fact I feel like deleting anything I say about them, the paragraphs up there, just out of fear. Sure Del is dead but the thought of him still scares the crap out of me. A picture of him I came across a few weeks ago caused me mental and physical anguish for possibly 24 hours. OH ISNT THAT AWFUL! WOW 24 WHOLE HOURS.

He's dead he can't haunt me he's dead he can't haunt me he's dead he can't haunt me.

Mostly I think someone as alive as he was should still be alive. I picture him sneering at me when he sees me now, seeing how I waste my days and hours and years. Knowing he could do better with the time.

I guess if you hadn't run your car into that tree you COULD be living, huh Del. Huh? What's that? Can't hear you motherfucker. Because you're dead.

Like I say, I didn't really know these brothers. I still have my high school impressions of them. Maybe they weren't scary at all. Maybe we would get along now. Maybe it doesn't matter.

I did know Mena, though. We were best friends throughout high school and during part of my college "education". Hahaha.

I pretty much did whatever she said to do. I didn't have my own brain. She loaned me hers. Her will was mine. I was pathetic. Here's something I thought was very, very good: I worked hard to develop the ability to show no emotional reaction to anything at all. My ultimate goal was to feel nothing and I'd been working on it for years when I was interrupted and derailed by therapy. But I had developed the no reaction thing, if not the no feeling thing, and I was proud of it. I thought that made me strong.

This is really not leading into what I meant to talk about. Pththt. Oh well. Maybe some other time.

This depressing and self-indulgent entry brought to you by the chewed-up holes in my t-shirt.

I can. eat. mah. dinner. in a. fan. cy. resta-rawahhh-ahhnt

Mon|06.24

Sooooo as I was sayyyyyying, my graphOLOGY report, from yeaaarrrrs ago. Graphology you see is the SCIENCE of looking at handwriting and going oh yeah, this is what you're like. THATS RIGHT I SAID SCIENCE.

If you want your own analysis done, why, just turn to the back of Sunday's Parade magazine and answer the ad.

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09/24/85

Dear Reader:

Thank you for responding to the handwriting analysis offer in Parade magazine. This computer-printed analysis of your handwriting has been prepared by a team trained and supervised by psychologist Carlos Pedregal.

Here is the result of your analysis, which is confidential, of course. The following paragraphs describe the dominant characteristics of your personality as reflected by your handwriting.

ENTHUSIASTIC

The study of your personality reveals optimism, enthusiasm and a capacity for work. You are resolved to reach your goals, and you will undoubtedly do so if you continue to maintain your present state of mind and your self-confidence.

Do not neglect the opinion of others: listen, think it over, and decide. That will help you succeed.

(The concepts described in this characteristic may not completely correspond to your real personality and only reflect your emotional state at the time you wrote your handwriting sample.)

SENSITIVE

Your handwriting shows that you are very impressionable. Your sensitivity leads you to attach greater importance to certain situations than they actually deserve.

Try to maintain a sense of perspective in order to have a more balanced response to the events in your life.

ROMANTIC

One could call you romantic and sentimental. As a matter of fact, you have a very humane attitude toward life. This leads you to see things in a way that sometimes blinds you to harsher realities.

You enjoy daydreaming, and you like to think that the outside world is much like the inner world of your dreams. And your daydreaming has left you with a capacity for creativity. But, sometimes you may become overly romantic and emotional.

INTUITIVE-RATIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Your intelligence is intuitive-rational. You reason out things, problems and situations, but your decisions are not purely cerebral.

Intuition plays an important role in your analyses and reasonings and often this is what determines your decision in the end.

RESPECT FOR HUMAN BEINGS

This feature stands out among all your other qualities. Respect for other people is not at all common nowadays and involves a number of other, complementary qualities. Love, friendship and freedom are born out of respect for other people. Without such respect, even a society can break down.

Respect, however, should not be the result of a timid attitude toward society, nor a lack of confidence in yourself. Neither should it be an attitude of self-defense, but one of courage.

EMOTIONAL SKEPTICISM

You have been deeply hurt, and the consequence has been an extremely strong emotional skepticism.

The subsequent decision you made about romance was designed to prevent you from easily giving your heart again. Your attitude is timorous or, worse still, indifferent.

You have suffered a great deal, but that is not sufficient reason to eliminate love from your life.

RATIONAL IN LOVE

You tend to be blase in your attitude toward romance, sometimes settling for a merely convenient relationship.

This could be a serious mistake. You rationalize too much; this way of thinking enables you to avoid suffering in emotional matters. But you are bypassing what is probably the most important thing in life.

SINCERE

Your graphological study reveals you to be a sincere person. Loyalty is also one of your virtues. Together, these two characteristics are particularly positive in you.

One could even say you have a noble character, for whether you are right or wrong, in act or in judgment, you always behave in accordance with your principles.

REBELLIOUS

You have the inner nature of a rebel. This stems from childhood experiences that have remained with you up to the present.

It would serve your interests to analyze your behavior in depth in order to better understand your conditionings and the way your personality is now.

ENERGY AND DECISION

In spite of all we have have said up to now, you have an interior force that is always impelling you to move forward. Your gaze is fixed more on the future than on the past. You want to reach your goals and you will undoubtedly get to where you are going.

WILLPOWER

You can develop your willpower. You can strengthen your determination and energy. But beware, aggressiveness is not far off, and that is the danger for you.

The above are the fundamental characteristics of your personality according to your handwriting. An analysis of the combination of these characteristics was carried out in order to determine the presence of specific tendencies of behavior. In your case, it revealed one particular tendency above average in comparison to the general population:

REBELLIOUSNESS (20%)

This means that you have more REBELLIOUSNESS than the average person. The percentage between parentheses is the measure of the strength above the norm of this tendency.

I hope you have found this analysis interesting and that it will be profitable to you.

We are all aware of how difficult it is to get to know ourselves. Before you make a definitive judgment on the results of this analysis, let your family or close friends read it. The opinion we have of ourselves frequently does not correspond to the reality: we are generally either too self-indulgent or too critical of ourselves. And very often, even clear contradictions are inherent in us.

Thanking you for your confidence, I am,

Sincerely yours,

Carlos Pedregal

If you have a friend or relative interested in having an analysis done, an extra order form is enclosed for your convenience.

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So. There you are. I remember it felt somewhat true and somewhat false at the time, which is how all of these things feel to me. Anyway, what use is it? Even if completely true, so what?

I do like how delicately my less than stellar traits are pointed out. "Respect should not be the result of a timid attitude toward society"--SHES SCARED OF PEOPLE MAN! Yeah, so what. Freak you! That's what Sharon says.

(Not you, of course.)

Is there anything lamer than being 20% rebellious? Yes, there must be.

you've been in the sun, and I've been in the raaaaaaain

Sun|06.23

Tonight we go into our way-back machine, into the dusty box marked 1985-1986. There are pictures, but I have no scanner. One picture I recognize from my freshman dorm--my cellmate had taped Playgirl's centerfold onto the door. That month in 1984 was a "controversial" picture because the guy had a stiffie. And I saw fit to snap a photo. Why? Who the HELL knows. I remember that roommate wouldn't share her coke. In fact she HOARDED it like a big coke fiend.

Anyway. I am sharing some letters with you, my gentle reader. Not to mention my handwriting analysis.

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Tues AM

Dear Cee-lo -

Here is the check and also a coupon for a free bag of charcoal for you and [Second Sister].

Should be good at any store--also be sure and get a 20# bag 'cause it's good for the biggest size and that's it.

Everything is fine here as far as I can tell. It hasn't rained yet today but then it's only 8:30 AM. See you soon and let us know your ETA.

Love, Father

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[undated]

Hi Cleo

How are you doing? I'm doing fine. So hows life been treating you, I hope fine. Well I'm not that far away from you, I'm in Maine. I'm not moving to Mississippi. I'm not getting married, because I want to marry you, do you know what I mean. We will go out again, I'm not that far away from you. We can go out more than a night because I'm in Maine not Mississippi. I hope your doing good in school.

Well I got a job up here at Shaw's Warehouse. I make about $200 dollars a week. Where are you working. You have to come down here for a weekend you don't have to but, I wish you would, because I miss you. Were having a party this weekend, were gonna play poker and watch nude flicks, and guess what I'm the only one without a date (hint) (hint). I'm staying with my brother and his wife.

How was your holidays, I hope fine, because mine was boring. So hows your Love life without me in it, Mine sucks. Well I'll be 20 years old in August, getting old. I want you to come and see me, Please Please. Well I better let you go.

Love you always,

[censored]

P.S. - Please write please

Love ya

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June 3

Hi Cee!

I don't really know where to start. I don't really want to start it on a bad note but it will explain the keychain and pictures. I went to Panella's Collision. I found what was left of the keychain and a piece of the car. I took pictures from all sides. The key was still in the ignition. I couldn't get it out. That's really all that was in there. I tried to get or find something else but there wasn't anything. I got real dizzy when I was looking at the car. It was like a nightmare. The yearbook came out. His senior picture wasn't there. No mention or picture at all. I have to talk to Tammy Friday to see if she got a picture. Joey has been downgraded from critical to serious but he's still in a coma. Things aren't looking good.

La Bella Vita is finally closed and torn down. I got in a fight with Olga cause she wouldn't pay me all my money. I don't want to go into it. I'm too pissed. I'm working at the arcade next door. It's boring but it's money I guess.

I've been running into so many people lately. I saw Dennis for the first time in a year today. He still looks the same. We used to be such good friends. He promised he'd keep in touch more than once a year.

Me and [Future Stalker] are still together. I love him.

Did you hear what happened. I don't know the whole story. All I heard was Mena booked to Florida with her boyfriend's car. Fill me in????? I gotta go. See ya. W/B

Love,

Elle

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Thursday, June 5

Dear Cee-lo,

Finally! Here's your journal. All this time, and I never even peeked. I'm very proud of myself.

Things are sort of busy here, as I'm preparing for my barbecue on Saturday. (I'm having all the ladies from work over for a housewarming/cookout. Should be lots of fun.) Other than that, not much is new.

Sorry this isn't a wildly funny, news-packed missive, but you know how it goes. Next time I won't use up all my news talking to you on the phone!

Take care.

Love,

[Third Sister]

P.S. - When are you visiting Phila??

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June 23, 1986

Dearest Cleotyne,

HAH! Caught you off guard! I bet you thought this letter would start "Hey Cee -- what's up?" BUT you're wrong!

Well, on this 23rd day of June, it finally happened. YES! Whip has received her first official paycheck of the summer. And, yes sirree, the whopping amount of $15.00 should be substantial for about one night out. Sometimes I just can't handle my own abundance of greenbacks.

Boston isn't exciting!? You mean I've been deceiving myself by saying "I shoulda stayed up in Boston!"? Well, it's not so bad down here, after all. I just got my lifeguarding certificate and tomorrow I go for an interview--hope I get it! I saw Stevie Nicks on the 18th. She was great!!! She's so beautiful it makes me want to run over her face with a wheelbarrow. Why don't I look like that? Huh, tell me--I DON'T KNOW!

As for John's being in Disneyworld --- HASN'T HE ALWAYS BEEN THERE!!! He and Goofy were getting along pretty good last I heard. Kimmy, Kimmy--tell her I said "hi!" And I hope Ang's hand gets better--it figures he'd do it on a can of dip!

Oh, I told you about Texas Dan right? Ooooooh, doggie--wasn't he just a slimeball and a half?!! "Ain't that funny, put a B in front of Austin and you get Boston!"

I hope you have a great time in Florida. Pick up a hot surfer dude for me, will ya? Oh, yeah--and get one for yourself.

I think I'm gonna try stand up comedy next year. What do ya think? Will you come and laugh even if I'm not funny? I hope so. I have to get some material together (besides my body and face) that people will laugh at.

If I want to come up to Boston for a weekend can I stay with you? Huh, Cee, huh? Can I, can I, huh? Please, please? I'll be your friend!

Well, it's time to go. I've had such a good time -- it's hard for me to say goodbye. BOO HOO. I want to lose 20 pounds because I'm a tubsy wubsy.

See ya,

Whip

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That took so long that I'm saving the handwriting analysis for another day. You're welcome. Thanks for coming! Don't forget the little people. Or the big ones. Then there's the medium ones. Aw hell, forget them all. As Sharon Stone says in the censored version of "Casino", "Freak you! Freak you!"

(Naturally, I don't mean YOU.)