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ive had enough of feeling sick had enough of feeling sick the sugar never helps

Fri|04.26

I don't think my whiney bellybutton updates should count as entries. They're not entertaining, they're not stories, they're not funny. But I'm counting them because if I start eliminating based on content then nothing will qualify.

Had a headache so took a nap after work. Lovely. It's the weekend. Then it's May. Then it's vacation.

Vacation, okay, let's see where I can go with this. We used to go to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for the week of Easter vacation when I was a kid. We drove, it took a day and a half. This was back when the Holiday Inn where we'd stay the first night of travel had beds that would jiggle for a quarter. Those were fun. I guess.

I loved staying in motels. I loved the sounds of trucks pulling away at sunup, of people walking by our door talking, carrying suitcases, going places. We were going places too. We were halfway there. Motels were special, a blank and anonymous room just for me and my family, that I would never have to see again. Don't have to make the bed.

Stuckey's were very special, they were these huge stores that showed up when we got far enough south. They sold everything possible. They had vending machines in the bathroom, you could buy that heart necklace that came with a key, and other cool things.

About the time we started passing Stuckey's, strange green and brown growths spilled from trees. Spanish moss, my mother said. It was beautiful, and strange. We were in the South.

The daughter of the motel owner in Myrtle Beach was my age but wasn't allowed to play with me. There was a boy my brother's age and I tagged along after them sometimes, when they'd let me.

The ocean with the waves, the way they'd suck you in then toss you out, the way you'd end up further down the beach than you'd started, nothing is like the ocean. We body surfed and one year a big wave pulled me under and wouldn't let me back up. My eyes were open and all I saw was white. My nose filled with water and I was pounded into the sand. I got up finally, choking, scared. Realized the ocean didn't love me like I loved it. It was pretty much indifferent to my existence. That's the first time I can remember feeling awestruck, knowing what the force of nature really meant. It could kill me and not even notice. Hey, it was nature. It pretty much ruled.

I used to leave Easter eggs for the maids. I was nutty like that. I don't think we dyed them in the rooms, so we must've brought them with us? Hmmm. We would have a cooler in the car, filled with sandwiches and my sisters' Diet Pepsis. I felt carsick a lot, the constant motion, all the people in the car, the warm soda. Bleck.

We had fun though. I mean, I look back and I don't remember all the times I said, "Are we there yet?" even though I am reminded of it by my relatives. I remember places and things and I'm glad my parents took me to so many forests and deserts and canyons and bodies of water.

lyric or whatever

Thurs|04.25

Oh I don't know. I guess I miss being high. I miss it a lot. Been feeling free lately, since Monday I guess. Like the only thing I really have to do is work 6-8 hours a day, five days a week, and the rest of the time is completely mine. The time before it, the time after it, and a lot of the time during, actually. If I'm honest. It's all mine.

That's fading though, and a funk is coming on. Yay. Funk. I know those. I handle the downs better than the ups, the ups throw me. What are they for? No struggle, just feeling good and doing things. Who needs it? The world is full of people doing things. I'll be the one still in bed, thank you.

Welcome.

this entry brought to you by Whiney MoFo Inc. (The People's Whiners)

Confidential to sameone: SORRY! SORRY! SORRY! AHAHAHAHAAA

twenny-twenny-twenny fo owahs to go-oh-oh

Wed|04.24

Blew off Wednesday night thingie-do. Bought two more pairs of comfy shoes. Felt sad for the pair I'm wearing right now because I love them so much and some day they will be dead and worn and gone and I'm so attached to them. I almost cried.

I have this thing where I get unaccountably attached to inanimate objects. In fifth grade I had this little plastic tube that had been the cover to a pen or something and had gone through the dryer by mistake, and had melted, gotten bendy, and reset that way when cooled, and I kept it in my sweatshirt pocket at all times. I had to touch it and then I would feel better. Oooh, little plastic bendy thing. It loves me.

In fifth grade I hung out with Jennifer and the two of us would play Revolutionary War and fight over who got to be LaFeet or whatever his name was, and I would go over to her house and we would fill notebooks with sequential numbers. I have no idea why, it was her thing and I just kept her company. Really, the notebooks would read like this:

one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty twenty-one twenty-two twenty-three

You get the idea. There were complicated rules that I can't remember now, like a certain amount of numbers had to fit on one line, and stuff like that.

Anyway I was walking with Jennifer one day and Emmy, my next-door neighbor, was with us for some reason. We were walking Jennifer home, she lived a few blocks above us. Somehow they got a hold of Bendy, my little clear plastic beautiful friend, and were playing keep-away. From me. With Bendy. Children are so cruel.

So I don't think I cried (I was a bigass cryer back in the day, I don't have the nerve to tell you how bad) but I was upset and Jennifer could tell, and I KNOW Emmy could but she really liked that, so that made it more fun for her, but Jennifer felt genuinely bad as we left her standing in her driveway and she stared at us walking away.

I knew she had Bendy and that she wanted to give it back to me, but they had played it for so long I had given up and was pretending now that I didn't care, and so she just watched us as we walked away not talking, me upset, Emmy smiling with her special brand of joy.

I think Jennifer gave it back to me the next day, but it was over, it was sullied, I had already mourned Bendy and so I'm not sure if I kept it after that. Sure, I was demented, but Emmy, she was fucked up. Still is, if you ask me.

awwwwwwwwwwwwww SUPAFLY

Tues|04.23

The moon is nearly full, just needs a bit more at the buttem. It was up while the sky was still that blue color that's named after it and as I passed City Hall with its garish and fabulous dome, the moon was perched just to its right. It says hi.

HI MOON!

(P.S. - I don't think the dome is garish but I've heard it called such so I feel it would be remiss not to at least mention that. But I did say fabulous, which is my own version of the thing.)

So after work I went to a movie like a crazy person! Going to a movie after work! And it wasn't that good and the theater stunk of bleach and was reminiscent of a mechanic's garage with folding cushioned seats stuck in (I say that every time I go there and yet, still go) AND when I got out, still light! So I went to an old railcar diner and had a boiger and two glasses of wine and should've stopped at one, because afterward I was like, what's that word. Drunk. And so then I swam home, no wait. Walked. I miss swimming though and was wishing I could swim home. Could I get a floating house in a fairly clean lake and swim back and forth to things? Like there would be a floating movie house and a floating grocery store and a floating .... oh you get the idea.

I would tell you a gross story about my french fries but this is a family page. Oh okay what the hell, there was a hair on top, and it was like, ummmmm, what's the word. Oh yeah, pubic. BUT THEN I THOUGHT--I bet it's just deep fried. Yup, that's what I thought. I didn't confirm this with the cook though.

Still it's a really cool place especially at like 3 a.m. not that I've been there that late in about a decade, but don't let a little deep fried chef hair put you off the grubstake. Okay then.

Over at the bar someone had a case of cutlery and was trying to sell a set to the couple sitting next to him. I thought they were men, just judging by voices, but when I looked over, nope, one was a lady. No, a real one. I wondered if they knew each other, or if this guy goes bar-to-bar selling knives and zesters. Hey, it's a living.

The waiter was fabulous.

I've reached the end of my story.

juuSS T donT sAy YoU gave it all WHEN you Aint gAVe it aLL

Mon|04.22

My tongue hurts. No, no reason. Meow meow meow.

Disturbing mannequins were seen Saturday at Nordstrom's. I've been looking online for pictures of the doped-up little tykes with no luck. Still, the wide world of mannequins is .... it's something. Have you seen these? Then there's the flexibles. These children are kinda freaky (page down to the face "styles"), but then so are these children.

For some reason these kids remind me of a site I saw a couple of years ago that featured pictures of little girls modeling dresses and swimsuits, copied from Sears or JC Penney's or a department store along that line, with captions like (but worse than), "Yum. Check out this little cutie." The site belonged to someone using the pseud "Skull Dander" in a writing forum I frequented and there was a big hoo-ha over whether he should be banned from the forum because of his homesite.

"May I buy you a drink?"

to alll de gurls Ivf luffed b-frrr

Sun|04.21

Don't worry. about a thing.

Cuz.

Every little thing's. gonna be all right.

Singing don't worry. about a thing.

Cuz every little thing's gonna be all right!

Rise up this morning, smile at the rising sun. Three little birds upon my doorstep. Singing sweet songs, melodies pure and true. Singing, THIS IS MY MESSAGE TO YOUUUU.

Don't worry about a thing. Cuz every little thing is gonna be all right. Don't worry about a thing. Cuz every little thing is gonna be all right.