02.14

It's Valentine's Day and I can't stop listening to this song, so what the hell, I'll break a copyright law. Here are the lyrics to Billy Bragg's "Must I Paint You A Picture" in a garish shade that I like to call red:

It's bad timing and me
We find a lot of things out this way
And there's you
A little black cloud in a dress
The temptation
To take the precious things we have apart
To see how they work
Must be resisted for they never fit together again
If this is rain let it fall on me and drown me
If these are tears let them fall

Most important decisions in life
Are made between two people in bed
I found that out at my expense
And when I see you
You just turn around and walk away like we never met
Oh we used to be so brave
I dreamt the world stopped turning as we climbed the hill
I dreamt impossible dreams that we were lovers still

ketchup looooves ba-day-doooes

Thurs.|02.13

While retardoblog is regrouping its head, putting it back in proper order (if you will), we sent out a representative to interview Mr. Leonard Pierce, feared and celebrated author of so many things, including the ludic log, which is the source of possibly two-fifths of retardoblog's hits. Please keep in mind that Cleo is not a professional question-asker. Bless her heart.

Cleo: I'm sitting here with celebrity Leonard Pierce, of Chicago. Before we go to the callers, let's ask Leonard a couple questions. Leonard, hi! How are you feeling?

Leo: Like a shark. Efficient, powerful, ancient and deadly.

Cleo: Are you stoned?

Leo: Not in the "drug-addled" sense of the word. But in the wheat thins sense of the word, yes.

Cleo: I see. Are you drunk at all? Still hungover?

Leo: Not even a little. I have had nothing to drink today. My tequila of last night is long since sweated away. I could run a marathon right now.

Cleo: What are your thoughts on the state of the nation?

Leo: The state of the nation eats it with corn relish.

Cleo: If you were a girl, what would you name yourself?

Leo: Satanica.

Cleo: Cool! Why won't you let me make you up all pretty-like?

Leo: It would forever alter our relationship for the worse.

Cleo: But how do you know for SURE? Until you try?

Leo: I sense it in the depths of my brilliant mind.

Cleo: Hmph.

Leo: That's not a question.

Cleo: Ummm. Why won't you put ketchup on hot dogs? When will you give in?

Leo: Ketchup on hot dogs is an abomination unto Christ and the city of Chicago. I'll see you in Hell before I see ketchup on my dog.

Cleo: And potato chips?

Leo: Are you asking me if I would put ketchup on potato chips, or potato chips on hot dogs? In either case the answer is no.

Cleo: Hmph.

Leo: Not a question.

Cleo: Is Asia Carrera still your favorite porn star? Or have you moved on?

Leo: Asia is still my favorite porn star. Kirsty Waays come and go but Asia is forever.

Cleo: If I were in a record store right now, what would you recommend that I buy?

Leo: Hmmmmm. Depends on the record store. If we were in a place that had it, I would tell you to pick up Hella's album, "Hold Your Horse Is".

Cleo: Why don't you understand how much Deep Purple rocks?

Leo: For two reasons:
1. Because "Smoke on the Water" is the first song everybody learns to play on the bass. Which makes Deep Purple the equivalent of "Polly Wolly Doodle".
2. Because Deep Purple sucks.

Cleo: Hmph.

Leo: NAQ.

Cleo: OKAY! One last question. What will you be wearing to the Oscars this year?

Leo: An expression of discontent.

Cleo: And nothing else?

Leo: That depends on if Jodie Foster is going to be there.

Cleo: Would you father her next child if she asked you to, even though you do not WANT children?

Leo: I love Jodie so much that I would father her children, and even stay away from them when she asked.

Cleo: What if she asked you to take an active role?

Leo: In the procreation process? Absolutely.

Cleo: THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING IN THIS REVEALING THINGIEDO

Leo: Thank you for the interview. I'd like to say, in conclusion, that I love George Thorogood and the Deleware Destroyers, Jesus, and Cleo J. America, in reverse order of preference.

Cleo: Your check is in the mail.

Leo: Excellent!

Cleo: IF I WERE A DWARF WOULD YOU STILL BE MY FRIEND

Leo: Yes. But I would fear you.

Cleo: Because someday, I would kill you.

Leo: Exactly.

compared to what

Sun|02.09

I took a nap, probably a bad idea. Now I'm all unsure of reality and whatnot. I had a firm grasp before nodding off, I swear.

I feel sick. Sunday night.

Today I was thinking, maybe I'll start posting fiction, make shit up and whatnot. I'm out of true things, basically. Okay not really but it's tiresome.

I almost never make stuff up and I like to. Oh hell I don't know. I can't even remember why I started this thing.