aiee I'm so lazy! skipped training today because shuyu was feeling sick, and I didn't wanna go by myself :( so that means I'll only be able to get my silas marner from charlene on saturday (which reminds me, I've gotta weedle sam fong for a copy of ariel sometime soon).

we were supposed to go watch a show or play pool before training, but had stupid council campaign speeches, which were so pointless that they didn't even make a dent in my consciousness. if you asked me now "how were the campaign speeches?" I'd just look at you blankly and go "huh?"

didn't realise until now how much I've missed being home early. I used to be home by 1530 latest everyday, including lunch, from a month before Os.
and now, if I'm lucky, I'll make it home by 1730.
if I'm not as lucky, around 2100. geah.

oh YAY and I just remembered! during stupid boring campaign speeches in the hall, my mind kinda wandered, so I was scanning the hall out of sheer boredom and guess what I saw! minsheng (zheng's twin. yes, the tall cuddly teddy bear) and pravin (guy in my class who has eyes that rival any girl's) were sitting on the chairs next to each other (most the rest of the school were on the floor) and sheng had his arm kinda slung on pravin's leg. squeeeee! and sheau ying and I (fellow yaoi fans) were like omg they make quite a cute couple actually hahah oh no we're thinking too far. but really! they doooo.. hahah and I was quite happy after that, because sheng is soo handsomely adorable and pravin is so seme to his uke and gaaahh I will never be able to look at them together again without squeeeing in front of sheau ying. no one else in class seems to appreciate such things though -pout- philistines.

ooooh speaking of pouts, do you know that bertram pouts more often than I would care to count? o__0 I know. how disturbingly adorable is that right?

found my dad's diana krall CD and decided to give it a spin. and karla's in jazz club, which is still holding auditions, I think, and I'm wondering if I should try out? but I don't think karla'd appreciate me bullying him in and out of class, so heh. I'm actually quite mean to him, which I'm beginning to feel twingey about now :( nvm. shall get him queen of whatever badge on friday to make up for it ^__^



whee I feel my muse is about to explode with some embarrassing concoction soon. and I've still to learn the soleila, which I'm still quite smitten with dammit.



smile, tho' your heart is aching,
smile, even tho' it's breaking
when there are clouds in the sky,
you'll get by
if you smile
through your fear and sorrow
smile ~ and maybe tomorrow
you'll see the sun come shining through
for you.

light up your face with gladness,
hide every trace of sadness.
although a tear
may be ever so near
that's the time you must keep on trying,
smile ~ what's the use of crying?
you'll find that life is still worthwhile
if you'll just smile.

that's the time you must keep on trying
smile ~ what's the use of crying?
you'll find that life is still worthwhile
if you'll just smile.

-- nat king cole.

is it sad that when I look at you, all I see is the person you were, when you don't even remember who you were yourself?
and all the smiles I've saved for you just don't mean a thing anymore.

yaahh too much jazz. I love evergreens. like cry me a river by diana krall. and autumn leaves! and now I've got vertical horizon and eminem on my plate as well. have I ever mentioned that I'm an eminem fan? yeah well, yes so now you know. he's controversial and cynical and brutally honest without being overtly insulting (at least not without good clause) and you can never appreciate that enough and I bet he's a bloody cool dad and I can tell haley's gonna be so beautiful when she grows up and I don't care what other people say 50 cent is SO not the next big thing (I mean, without eminem, there'd be no cent whatsoever) and eminem will always be The Best Rapper ever because he'll never be mainstream like the kinds who sing about bootys and funk and wild nights out(coughrkellycough).
aiyah I just love his style larh. it's so different. he's got character. and goodness knows, I love most anything that has character. everything else is milk piss.



and the stupidest thing - my brother's just come home, with a cut lip from a fight. so now not only is his shirt totally soiled with blood, my parents have to see the principal tomorrow -__- gaaah boys will be boys.

and YES! i finally got my dizzy up the girl back from his girlfriend. it's like, one of my preciouses ok.

next stop! the eminem show. and maybe I'll get the man who as well. and siamese dream! and vertical horizon -nods- yay yay yay planning way ahead of my budget over here.



is it possible to feel crazy?

you know what I've realised?

that people who have lives don't blog.

which would make my life, actually, very very sad.

met up with jeanne yesterday at guthrie to eat ice cream and buy chocolate easter eggs for her class. omg I love the cold storage gourmet over there -swoons- the bakery is awesome, and there's the widest and weirdest selection of cold cuts and olives, and they have so many chip dips it's like nobody's business. needless to say I stocked up on my mentos supply. always have one in hand for lectures, yah? pink grapefruit!

then there was a sudden influx of rj people, which I had not been conditioned to expect so excuse the surprise, and I spotted one of my eyecandies walking into coffee bean with another girl :( but 'sokay. you don't ever expect cute guys not to have cute girlfriends anyway.

yay decided to pon school today. go me. tried to catch up on math. and chem. muahahah needless to say it was absolutely hopeless. am trying to complete a zhuo wen at the mo, but as you can see, I've decided to take a break.

it's going to rain. how lovely. I love the rain when I'm at home and have no where to go. especially in the evenings, where it's just grey enough to seem like a black-and-white picture, and light enough so you can see the raindrops as they fall. pretty.

I love watching my dad with zachary. it kinda reminds me of the time he didn't manage spend with me, but I don't complain, because as far as childhoods go, mine was pretty ok.

so we're not exactly a disney deal, with home movies and photo albums, and toys and dresses, and ballet recitals or piano performances. at least the family's still together.

so it's these Kodak moments that I really learn to treasure and appreciate - sitting on the swing with zack in his lap, singing him to sleep, the stupid gags he pull just to make him laugh, the way zack smiles at him with his eyes. it's times like these you learn to forget the worries of tomorrows. so it's times like these that I need the most.

omg ouch.

training is. um. painful, to say the least. but it's bearable, and they're still playing games now so it's quite fun. but there're too many girls in foil now, so shuyu wants to change to sabre, but sabre has really vigorous training, and there aren't that many girls who take sabre so it's easier to win something during competitions, meaning there's more cca points, something I'm wondering if I should be worried about as well, considering I'm never going to be a gifted fencer anyways, so it'll be doubly harder for me to win anything. oh well. scholorships require four As, 2 S papers, excellent project work and maximum CCA points, a feat that I will never be able to accomplish, considering all the other damn bloody smart and hardworking people in school, and I'm just a procrastinating slacker anyways so whatever, I'm just not going to give a rat's ass.

went to town to get amanda's present. cute yellow ducky!! hahah and I got a little stuffed dog that I wanna call sugar, and I'm gonna talk to him every night before I sleep because dan's not here to do that anymore. then shuyu suggested that I call him sugar dan instead, and I thought "sugar dandy!" so yeah, that's gonna be his name from now on -nods- and we got matching pig badges as well. should have gotten the queen of whatever one for karla, but oh well, shall remember to go back some other time.

and I bought socks! 3 pairs for 5 quid. should I be worried that all of them have pink? hmm.

have been comparing blogs and realise that some people, you will just never understand, and others, you understand too well it's almost unnerving. so it's strange to read about someone you know, and making guesses behind the hidden identities of hes and hers and thems, because it's almost like you're breaking into a drawer that's been locked as personal property, and pilfering through secrets that were never meant to be shared.

I'm so totally losing it.

but maybe one day I'll be able to write something happy, like a siamese dream, or something deep and dwelling and revealing, like a mellon collie & the infinite sadness, and who knows? maybe I'll even be able to write about love, a love I know, like an ave adore, like a beautiful but inevitable echo of the face that I have chosen for the world to see.

and I think I have homework? but hmm. knowing me, I probably won't do it till like, late tomorrow night =p so I shall go sleep now. because yes, sleep is always good, especialy when you don't have enough.

everything's good when you haven't had enough.

erm. I think there was something I wanted to say? about something else? but I forgot? so yeah whatever.

becoming more airheaded by the day. not enough enthusiasm to think, you see.

oh well. at least ht supports my psychiatrist campaign. discussed random stuff over the phone, mostly about her love life, or rather lack thereof, and about classes and bridge and pool and lectures and electricity bills, and certain tall cuddly teddy bears.

yay am happy to be leaving school early tomorrow -grins- but it's probably gonna be the only and last time, considering that the new time table totally sucks, where on a good day I end at 350 and on a bad day I end at 510, not to mention training on wed afternoons and sat mornings, and all the homework in between, when I can no longer use the excuse that I'm a second-intaker to escape random tests and answering homework questions during tutorial.

oh look, I'm complaining again. this whole blog is turning out to be a trash book anyways.

and forgive me, but I think that april fools is a lame excuse to start pranking people, esp if you're no good at it, and your plan flops, which would serve no purpose other than to humiliate yourself in front of an audience at the sheer lameness of your joke (attempt) and earn for yourself a couple of stares. STUPID, if you ask me, but since you didn't, I'm just telling.

love love love lalalove,
lalalove makes the world go round.

I just wish my stupid uniform would hurry up and arrive already. I'm sick of wearing bedsheets to school o__o

subdued! I'm so subdued! and not bitchy enough! wake up, the me within!

it always bewilders me the strange associations I make between things that have absolutely nothing to do with each other at all.


left fencing training early today to go meet jonk at dhoby ghaut. I think it's real cool that he's just tall enough so that when I hug him hello the side of my head just reaches the front of his shoulder. talked about inane stuff over a BK dinner. like his new ericsson phone, which he treats like most men treat their brand new mercedes, and he actually says grace before every meal, something which I still occassionaly forget. how embarressing.

he showed me random photos, some that he took with his phone, others transferred from his laptop through the bluetooth that he just got, and there's a few of his gold/dusch mix that looks exactly like a mini version of a golden retriever, which is the most adorablest thing I've ever heard or seen. must make it a point to go over one day to say hi. and to steal a couple of CDs as well. heheh.

fencing is a very expensive sport, I've just realised. and it's expense is very solid in the weight of the cheque that I'm supposed to be handing over tomorrow. and I wanna go for the UK Lit Trip too, which is gonna cost 4000 quid for 15 days, so that means that I'm just basically bleeding the family money pool dry. I feel so guilty. maybe I should just join a cheaper cca. like art club or something.

sighs dejectedly.

just realised after I paid the deposit for silas marner that I can just kope it from psy, so I had to ask the book shop auntie in my sweetest possible voice if I could cancel my order (I swear, that woman is so creepy sometimes I wonder if she cackles when no one's listening). muahaha. I'm well on my way to learning the artful skill of parasitism.

just realised that zheng gives me the impression of a really tall cuddly teddy bear, albeit a rather handsome one. must be those bracks. or the eyes. or maybe it's just the way he smiles.

shrugs. sheau ying and shuyu both disagree with the [cute] guy that I've singled out for myself, but maybe that's just because I really do have bad taste. either that or I have a unique palate. hahah euphamisms galore.

but at least now I know how to mask eyecandy-spotting, thanks to a useful jap phrase that shuyu taught me. of course, it doesn't help that zheng knows jap as well, and he seems to know, in some way or other, all the people that I point out. darnit.

thinking back, I don't think I'd ever regret the time I've spent in nunyang, no matter how much we've bitched about how sucky the admin is, or how being a gepper there is the suckiest thing that could happen, or how incompetent our teachers are. The best and the worst times of my life, and the most incredible and unforgettable people I've met, are both because of nunyang.

So maybe, in a way, I'm happy I missed that extra point to make it into rg, because looking at the way some people have turned out, it might have been a blessing in disguise afterall. Same thing with hc I suppose. freak accident, yes, but maybe all for the best. jeanne's complained that hc's too boring for her anyways, and I more than thank god that I've been posted to a slacker class.

and totally out of point here, but as much as I love jonk, sometimes shovelling his emotional shit can be a full-time job, one that I'm not so much unwilling to do as I'm unaccustomed to doing, considering that usually, the only emotional shit that I shovel is my own, so it's a pretty big responsibility, knowing that the sanctity of his sanity rests largely in my hands.

ah, and today, another pathway of friendship has been paved, as karl proceeded to taunt me with the signature "lorraine" that lillian used to claim as his own, whereas I, in retort, wrote "stupid cow" along his arm in dark blue marker.

afterwhich, a most amusing (to me at least) thing happened as zach (no, not my brother) pushed him against the wall on his way out and called him his bitch.

I've learnt somehow that before I complain about things, I should think about how much worse things could be, and be thankful for what I already have, so egods, how I love my class.

and I've come to realise that there are damn alot of people in 3L whose names end with "ah".
sara, anna, glenda, melissa, leila, yusrina, vidhya, asilah. all girls! hahah.

stupid rj school song is stuck in my head.

I hate chinese.

and I have homework for the first time in, oh, three months? gp and math. thought gp would be somewhat interesting because the topic's on gay marriages and I thought, wow at least something I actually have a say about, but it turns out our gp tutor's this old cow who moos monotonously and has no dress sense. so totally unengaging. and me and armrita just spent the entire hour or so trying to hide behind people so she wouldn't call on us.

school's fine, because I spend most of my breaks gossiping and/or spotting eye candy anyways, but lectures and tutorials themselves are pretty boring, because I have no idea what they're talking about majority of the time and I'm only half awake from being roused at some godforsaken hour in the morning. gruelling travelling time, if you know what I mean.

had chem prac for the first time yesterday and I HATED IT, partly because the equipment was so old they could've proven the existence of cavemen, and also because I had completely no idea how to calculate the purity of the ammonium sulphate.

so I find myself counting the hours, and eventually the minutes, till the number gets so big I just give up altogether. I only fear that the majority of the rest of my life will be spent in such a manner, and I owe my survival so far to a fastly disappearing stash of haribo roulette.

thank god for friends. they're probably the only salvation for an emotionally starved existence like mine.

taken more neoprints within the week than I have for the past year or so of my life. and yes serene, I want the travis cds too! but they're all like 20 something quid, and though this may sound ridiculous, I'm actually trying to save money. honest. maybe I'll get the vertical horizon ones.

happy birthday to a few people - xueping, risse, kella. I can't believe we're all going to be seventeen soon. like the mag that everyone wants to get into. hah I even spotted someone from school in this month's edition. she's been my schoolmate for 7 years and counting, and we don't even say hello anymore. not after I forgot her name and she started putting on makeup.

spent an eventful conversation with the gang on the far east overhead bridge where we thoroughly put our uniforms to shame. was discussing old classmates with fran on the train home, and we both decided that our favourites were bert(ram) and lillian(shawnloh). it's terrifying sometimes when you think about how much some people have changed. like how terence's lost his spark, and I can't even bring myself to call him szetoh anymore, because he - it - just somehow isn't the same. and how chin totally ruined her results when we both know she could've done so much better.

there's somehow a little space in my mind that seems to expand a little more each day. I'm chalking it up to pms, but somehow it doesn't seem right. I'm a shiny brightlights people and music's all I hear.

but it's not so bad
you're only the best I ever had.

it's not so bad.

at least I'm having a nice hair day. and there's ice cream in the freezer.

waaahah S03L roxor~
and there are actually cute guys in my class! for a change. and the lit people (indian girls mostly) are really wacko. and eunice aka the hongster is so adorable hahah shuyu has a snap of her patting her stuffed snake that I totally had to laugh at. and karl! hahah half the time I think he's a girl. seriously. and I haven't exactly learnt all their names yet, but managed to skip pe so quite happy, considering they just ran alot today. my CT rep is some old fart with whiskers growing outta his ears, so that was pretty traumatic, but everyone's been really friendly so far I guess. at least no one's like openly sore that the music people had to be kicked out so that they could make room for the new lit people, so all's good. so far.

am dreading the monotony of everyday school life though =p lecture, tutorial, break, more lecture and tutorial, and then CHINESE. gaaah. and I can't pon if not that woman will know. dang.

it's weird the things you learn everyday. and I have chem prac tomorrow, which I've never done in jc, but from what I hear, according to the seating arrangement, I'm prolly gonna be one of the people who're partnerless, so I'm so gonna die I tell you.

ahahah and I'm so totally smitten right now it's almost amusing.

I still have no idea why I'm writing all this, but maybe it's because it's all just a facade, an image I want to project, a shallow illusion because I can't bear to dig any deeper. and maybe it's because I want people to know me, the way I want them to know me, through this little window that I create on the web. everything's just a mind game now. because we don't know each other well enough, and I just want everyone to like me. hahah. how shallow is that. ah but thinking too much just gets you into trouble anyways. don't think! be happy!

successfully downloaded nightmare before christmas. shall now revel in the genious that is tim burton.

(which reminds me, there were art sketches in the dvd version of edward scissorhands that fran showed us last week, and they totally looked like the ones from the melancholy death of oyster boy and other stories. oog. I am such a fanatic I tell you, I'm scaring even myself.)

I've nothing to say. still have no idea why I'm writing this entry.

saw psy at the canteen today. his appeal was rejected. whatever will happen to him and charlene?

ben lai is still afraid of me.

wang is weird. and always surrounded by girls.

being happy all the time is terribly tiresome.

I have no idea what cca to join. fencing? interested, but there's the issue of lack of cca points. chorale is good, and they're going to italy, so that's a double bonus, but there're probably already too many people in there. my mind is still somewhat jumbled.

why is chris always crashing rj?

I love the jap room. totally. ulu, yes, but the aircon's nice and they have internet access and a toy snake.

chernise hasn't changed one bit.

eyecandy all around, but most of them are probably attached anyways.

does it mean there's something wrong with me if I tell you that I feel hollow inside?

ah, the neverending roller coaster strikes again.

it's sad that some people are sad. maybe because I'm quite happy (jinx) in comparison, but probably even more so because the person that I remember had the most infallable spirit, and the biggest faith in God that I'd ever seen.

and now he tells me he's messed up. and I can only begin to comprehend what that means.

I think I talk too much. either that or other people talk too little.

am so dead tired. feet hurt, but brain is happy. I think.

my new OG has some kinda ponning complex, and shawn is a terrible orientation buddy, so I decided to join shuyu's which has a more accommodating slacker complex, with sheau ying and kats, and three other girls from yesterday's group, and decided slacking was still better for me. yay everyone in her OG actually went for lunch today. BK again, but not complaining. played pool, where kats (bless his soul) taught me the fundamentals of trig and angles and bridges.

I think ben lai was avoiding me, until I got tired of playing the look-once-and-turn-head-away game with him, and just shouted "BEN LAI" really loudly and waving. he looked rather shocked. ah, chalk one up for lil' ol' me. does anyone know if he's still afraid of girls? or maybe just me, because I used to bully (nicely, mind you) him in pri school.

there aren't any good movies out now. which sucks, because these are gonna be the last free days we have for a long time, and no one seems to be inclined to watching cat in the hat. hmph.

can't believe the speed in which I'm making new friends. I don't remember it being this smooth in sec one, probably because I'm a loser at speaking chinese and I hated my hair, but still. am still quite amused. in a good way. and I love the J2 OGLs. they've got spunk, man!

also found out today that I cannot do the running man. sucks for me that shar tried to teach me breakdancing and failed. ah, sorry people, but coordination? what coordination?

shall go flip through random cable channels again to see if there's anything nice on. if not, I need to go back to sleep. war games tomorrow, and I wanna be ENTHU!

gaaah kill me already.

ok, so it's official -- the world has stopped spinning. I knew this would happen the day I decided that it was a good thing being rafflesian. oog.

so. where did it all start? how in the world did I get into rj when it was my second choice? let's try freak accident on account of the computer picking random people randomly, and myself being somehow randomless in their picking.

don't make any sense? tell me about it.

it's tempting for me to spill diatribe over my rather exciting day, but I think I'll just document the main events and spare myself from cringing, should I happen to read this in the not-so-distant future.

1. learnt new rafflesian jargon like the fact that I'm a Kasegon, though I'd rather be a Levanox, and that I'm also a Selfar.
2. played a very interesting (read: amusing) twist of wacko where everyone just kept hitting sherry on the head, regardless. poor girl. very spirited though.
3. I think everyone in my group thinks I'm crazy to some degree, considering the way I rolled onto the floor clutching my stomach in bales of laughter somewhere in the middle of the game. oops. better they found out now than later I suppose.
4. gossipped like no one's business on the more salacious bits of our student cohort
5. explored holland v
6. realised that I don't really care anymore about most of the things (or people) that used to make my head crack
7. guys have no stamina for gossip
8. ok fine, so maybe rg girls aren't stuck up. some of them, anyways.
9. I intend to run for council (ahahahahahah -dies laughing-)
10. my girl is the bittersweetest movie I've seen in a long time. I love both the main actors. the boy's eyes! gah. totally shifting back to paedophillic mode now.
11. I can remember all the names of the people in my group. go me!

um. ok. I suppose that's about it. OH! and I managed to lay my hands on TRC vol 4 and DNAngel vol 10 today. and Neil Gaiman's Stardust. yup, so it was a pretty good haul.

am finally being able to do my dream combi of bio chem math lit. I love literature. really makes you think. all those critical people who actually know all the good authors and can link the remotest relationships within shakespearean text. I almost feel my ears tingling from the anticipation of having another philosophy debate with people who actually know what they're talking about. I swear my brain has gone rusty from three months off lit.

most of my reading recently has been worn down to consist mainly of comics (tintin! I have the whole set -beams- and hitch-hikers guide. and witchblade, courtesy of uncle. bosnia! I need your sandman series!) and fluffy feel-good novels.

yes, it has been that bad. and maybe, after a few good lit lessons, I'll finally be able to write something here that requires more than five braincells to comprehend.

was supposed to meet shuyu at the jap room during break, but I only had two minutes left after catching up with random people and from what I hear, the jap room's pretty ulu, so I had to forgo afore planned trip. sorry shuyu :( will make it up to you by joining fencing as well (ah, and the memories of rnj come flooding back).

and bertram has this freaky way of jumping at you in the mornings during registration that make you go "arh! omg what're you doing here?"

how terribly embarressing.

oh well. I'm pretty bushed, and I'm only hoping that my OG will be as fun as my group, so -keeping fingers crossed-

I can't believe it. I'm a rafflesian. after snubbing the elitist complex that came with that label for so long, I only find it immensely disturbing that I'm so open to accepting it.

so just slap a big shiny label onto my forehead, people, be it green, black or white, and I'd glady do a poor rendition of the raindance for you (which, apparently, has no purpose in the heralding of rain whatsoever).

I am so warped.

is it mere coincidence then, that tim burton and neil gaiman look strangely similar?

have found solution for identity crisis -- take break from self.

as blog is part of self, will be taking hiatus for a while till insides of brain fully materialise. shall pray that not all hope is lost.

CLASS DINNER!!!

talked about everything! I love class shit like this, where we swap stories and things always turn scandalous toward the end of the evening and we end up finding out random useless stuff like mitch would never sleep with a guy no matter how hot he is and phuing got chatted up by a guy with tattoos on their trip to sentosa and how yy broke up with her bf in aussie and they're now just brother and sister. other more salacious bits I'll have to keep out from here, for sakes of privacy and blah blah whatever.

btw, if you ever go to BigO at Wheelock Place, do NOT order their main dishes. other than the fish and chips, everything else is a bloody small portion compared to their prices. order the side dishes if you must. they're only 4 quid and are much more worth it than the main courses. mudpies not included. only good thing about BigO for me is that they serve one helluva Irish Cream mudpie with biscuit and the works. probably the only gratifying experience of the day, after walking all over the place looking for jeans to fit serene, which is not so much of a problem as trying to find one that fits her budget. even This Fashion doesn't sell jeans that fit her budget, so you can only imagine how small that budget is.

and I had bloody (no pun intended) cramps in the middle and all around so had to sit in one of the toilet cubicles at the bottom level of wheelock to vegetate. did not help that I was wearing a skirt. I hate bloaty days.

found an Open copy of the Sandman book at borders after dinner with bosnia and we totally fawned over it, squealing and jumping and awwwing and all. but 63 quid! bah. the good thing about the comics section at borders is that most everything's open, so we can browse without having to rip open the cling wrap in the sly like I usually do at kino. sigh I'm a bad shopper =( but that's what people do when they don't have cash anyways so -waves it off-

no you're still the future boy
yes I'm still the future boy
we'll build you a time machine to get back home

OH and mandy bough an iPod!! -so jealous- she says she's gonna call it her baby and sing it to sleep every night hahah and she's pilfering CDs from everyone so she can put them in. mandy rocks!

brother's friends are staying over tonight. I think it's very disturbing that I think that one of 'em is actually cute. how traumatising. I either like guys who're older or younger (sans new year's eve and now) so WHAT IN THE WORLD has happened to all the guys my age? o_0 I hope this isn't a permanent type of damage -feels around head-

the darkness burns
the sunlight stills
he's your everything

addicted to song. am going over to fran's for movie marathon soon! yay get to watch extended versions of TTT with David Wenham!! hello!!

as you can tell, very excited, and this has been a long entry, so I salute you if you've lasted this long. and as a consolation, I've got great news - jeanne finally broke up with wesley!

ok fine, maybe great news for me, because she's finally free of weasly-box-kite and I couldn't be happier for her, but now that it's happened, I can't help but feel just a little sad. I mean, they've been together TWO YEARS. hello. even my fetishes don't last that long. then again, I argue that they've only been together so long because they've refused to admit the truth a long time ago - that they're just not right for each other, so again, only a teeny weeny itty bitty little bit sad. very teeny weeny.

shall go make random cheering up phonecalls right now because jeanne's still a little lost and I intend to plan major girly outings that consist mostly of ice cream and shopping. go me.

and sometimes I don't know what's worse - being flighty and crazy and happy and wrong, or being right and dark and unreachable. It's not that I haven't been thinking enough, it's that I've been thinking too much. and that's why everything I write is just a skim - because thoughts are just a jumbled up fright, and though I know I'm not like this, I do nothing to change it. this isn't me this isn't me. I'm screaming and blotchy and chaotic and confusing and rambling and erratic. I'm not naive enough to believe that I'll understand myself anytime soon. I just wished that there was someone else out there to blame.

I love talking to dan, even now, even if it isn't in the same room with him strumming randomly on his guitar (it's like a nervous addiction, something he does even when he's not nervous, and when he's bored his left fingers always mimic the chords and if you listen closely enough, you can hear him humming. quite interesting, really.)

of course I still miss him. I don't think I'll ever stop. esp with the monthly bouts of pms when I probably miss him the most because there's no one to rant at anymore. he's probably the only male I know who listens to most of my shit anyways.

I don't know why I'm writing about him again. maybe it's because my fingers itch to put into words all the mess that's in my mind, if only to make it more comprehensible. but I'm no good with words. never have been. and I'm probably fine with being misunderstood anyways.

ugh why do singaporeans have to blog in such bad english?

great, now my brain hurts. stupid spelling.

did a few things today, namely

----ate a gorgeous meatball sub,
----bought a flesh imp tank at 50% off,
----got the cartillage of my left ear pierced,
----watched The Butterfly Effect (a beautifully disturbing movie),
----bought reinforcements for my T-shirt making spree,
----forgot to get hoops (again),
----watched Oprah's Search for America's Most Romantic Man (which restored a little
----faith in me),
----and listened to zachary babble to himself in his cot.

ah, retail therapy at its best. all in all, a pretty good day. could be worse. turns out my dad's flight was 2 something in the afternoon, so he only had to be there at 12, and he came back after breakfast to pack his stuff, so I didn't exactly miss the chance to say goodbye. doesn't feel as bad as it did this morning anymore. granma's moved in again, complaining about the condition of my room. ah, how I've missed her diatribes.

tomorrow's my last day of freedom. how delightful. ms' lending me her notes (thankyousoverymuchagainms!) so I can finally start on the chao mugger phase of my life. saturday's full, with the gep fair and the uk uni exhibition, and supper out with the cellgroup (cough) after, and sunday's found me at a lost of excuses to skip church so I'm in again for the long haul (at least for that day) so that's full too, and monday's class dinner night, or so I hope, so jeanne and I and the gang are prolly gonna meet up before and play pool or something. yay. beautiful.

how pretty, that I'm skimming off the surface again so I won't have to dip in too deep. too many things spinning around in there anyways. nightmares again tonight are a high possibility.

I miss my daddy.

I know it's strange for me to say this now, after he asked whether I wanted to have breakfast with him at the airport and I said no before rolling back into the sheets.

it's not that I don't love him - of course I do - and it's not that I'm not hungry - I always am - and I berated myself for it, long after he clicked the latch on the doorkey and I heard the car door slam, because I see him at the airport alone and I want to cry, and I see him eating breakfast alone and I want to cry, and I still can't understand why I said no, and I wish I could be there for him when he enters the departure gate, to say "have a nice trip" and "see you soon", because I know I'd want someone to be there when I left too, and because it's another 20 days before I see him again, and I've missed having him around, his voice in the mornings, the stupid canto music he listens to, the funny way he always knows when I stay up late and gets up specially to make me go to bed, and the two week window between trips to vietnam are hardly enough.

I'm babbling, but I guess it's ok, because in the end really no one cares. and I still wish I hadn't said no, because I'm known for making all the bad decisions in life, because if I didn't screw up all the important things in my life I just wouldn't be me.

and I still miss my daddy. in the saddest, most barren way possible it is for me to miss him.

had THE strangest dream last night. about aliens (big ones) and secret government organisations and brains detaching themselves from the skull cavity. something about a great conspiracy told in a gritty, dark comic style, kinda like O-ren Ishii's story in Kill Bill.

I think I was dreaming about watching a movie? so I actually asked my mom in the middle of the show how come the alien predicted that Jurong and Jurong Point are going to be reclaimed by the British. something like that. but there were points where I felt like it was actually happening. maybe it had something to do with wide-screen projection. and Jensen Ackles made an appearance as the cool alien who had symbols tattooed onto his body so he could walk through walls. I think Gareth Gates was tossed in somewhere too, along with a few random people I know but I can't really remember who at the moment.

omg I'm loosing it, aren't I?

either that or too much neil gaiman. first it was smoke-and-mirrors-type nightmares, now sandman-type ones. what is it about this guy? and according to ms, I'm the only being affected in such an explicit manner. go figure, strange ol' me scores another one.

jeanne called outta the blue to ask me what I was doing.

"I'm making T-shirts."

"huh?"

"drawing black cats with fabric paint."

"for what?"

"um.. to give away? for birthdays and belated christmasses and stuff like that."

"mellie, you're weird."

"no, just bored."

turns out no one's replying to her email about class dinner next mon, so she's pretty pissed. poor thing. always having to organise crap like this when no one else really gives a shit. sigh the once indestructable 412 is falling apart.

eh, actually, we were never really indestructable. we were a bloody lotta fun, and we caused the biggest ruckuses ever, and if need be we could band together to give one helluva drama production all by ourselves, but still, we were segregated in our own unity, if that even makes any sense. we're not the kind of people who eat marshmallows at campfires together, or have huge slumber parties to recount the good ol' days. granted, we'd prolly do that in smaller groups, just never as a class.

too many restricting parents around -nods-

anyways, have a weird craving for burger king right now. shall go poke my neighbour into coming with me. sigh. I'm still as people-neurotic as I was four years ago. again, go figure.

and queer eye is damn funny! I like carson -grins-

EASTER'S BEEN CANCELLED - THEY FOUND THE BODY.

everyone's got something to hide.

how stupid for a 15 year old boy to kill himself over "love". and from the 6th storey too.
I mean hello, if you wanted to kill yourself you should've found a taller building. and in the end he got carted away bloody and unconscious, so it probably took him a coupla hours to die. stupid.

onto quirkier things, my dad brought himself on a shopping spree today and got a pair of sandals with magnetic straps, so he's spent the past hour or so showing off how all he has to do is flick his foot and the strap snaps into place.

-__- hahah my mom says he's like a primary school kid comparing pencil boxes.
"mine is better than yours."

"my digimon got fireball can shoot your digimon ah."

laughed till my tummy hurt.

boys will be boys.

secluded. it's a wonder how some things always come back to haunt you. like that scary man that hides in the shadows of the alleyway, or your first view of the inside of a prison cell where people treat you like trash and then some, or the nauseous feeling you get from the pit of your stomach up to your throat from swallowing too much paracetamol; all the anxiety, all the fear, all the things that make your spine shiver with a cold that cannot be banished with a blanket or a cup of hot cocoa.

and there are faces everywhere, morphing, changing, like blacker ink on blacker paper; eyes that stare blankly through you, as if you're not even there; eyes that glare at you, as if all the fault of the world lay on your shoulders; eyes that go dead, like yours, like the way you look at yourself in the mornings through the mirrors.

and the biggest fear you have is that you'll simply disappear. like the man in the coldplay mtv; just disappearing a little more each day. and when you're finally gone, people'd walk past your empty clothes and your empty shoes, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.

there's something at the back of my mind and the pit of my stomach that's screaming "sushisushisushi!!!" repeatedly in a very perky anime-ish voice.

I've spent too much money today than sits well with my conscience, so I shall once again push it to the back of my mind by rewatching random episodes of QaF and falling asleep over a harry dresden book. very good.

my mom says my new haircut looks nice, but maybe she's just trying to coax me into going with her to her dental appointment tomorrow. ah whatever, it's not like she can't force me even if I don't wanna anyways.

oh! and one more thing. if anyone ever finds a coupla hundred dollars lying around, I would be tremendously grateful to you if you would pass them to me so I'd be able to get that fabulous outfit from GUESS. please and thank you.

at the beginning of the week, I settled myself down to (hopefully) enjoy tim burton's latest production, expecting it to be somewhat abstract and fairytale-ish, and left without feeling too confused, unlike serene who decided that it was somewhat hazy and disconnected.

it basically played like a dream, from the reality cut to the flashbacks, to the use of lighting to create a somewhat iridescent glow in most of the scenes where everything seemed bright and hopeful, and the delightful incorporation of witches, giants, mermaids, werewolves, sad clowns, siamese twins to its motley crew of characters.

and there was the whole big fish reference that left me baffled for a while, till I finally pieced together a semi-coherent understanding of it. let's just say, its one of those movies that you have to watch to get, sorta like signs, where all you can do is sum up the story in a sentence and let the audience watch the rest.

the whole show was, in its own right, a fairytale - the quintessential kind with a once upon a time beginning, a moral at the end, and a fantastic journey in between.

although I somewhat blanched at the gauche commenteries that ejected themselves from the front row.

and my entries seem to be getting later and later, from 1 to 2 to 3 a.m. in the mornings, and now finally 8. no I did not stay up the whole night, and yes I slept before morning, but still, school's gonna start soon, and I'm gonna have to wake up at 6 again every morning. so mental note to self: WAKE UP.

shall embark on a journey to the hairdresser's later in the day to chop off my hair. I've gotten sick of waiting for it to grow past shoulder-length where it keeps sticking out at all angles. and dang, mandy got caught for her highlights, so I can't get mine. sigh. stupid hwachoo.

oh yes, and shar, I know you're reading this even if you refuse to tell me, but if you don't say anything, then neither will I, so it's all good (and better for me).

but just in case, a little disclaimer: everything here is fiction unless I deem it reality, so don't take anything too seriously -nervous laugh-

sometimes it hits you how much of your life till now has been very much of a waste. and at other times, you try to convince yourself that there is no emptiness you cannot fill with the presence of people. it's strange how afraid we are to be alone, when in the end, the only person you can ever trust and truly know is yourself.

there's just so much emotional mess; and it's like a scab that you pick at, because it itches, nags at you from the back of your mind; because you think that maybe by doing so you'll make it heal faster, heal better. but in the end you realise that all you've done is made it worse, so you leave it alone, ugly as it is, because at least you won't aggravate and complicate things anymore than you already have.

and hopefully, time really does heal all wounds, and all that's left of your relentless picking is a scar that fades but never goes away.

I hate not being able to sleep.
it's like there's something hanging over your head reminding you of your very unfinished business. am feeling more stressed after I got my results than before, which is very baffling for me. am just bloody scared that because I dropped hcl, I just screwed everything up for myself.

lost my PIN number for a while today. almost blew a hole in my bedroom wall. hmm. should prolly spend the rest of my hols packing up.

so my fate has been sent off in an electronic text message across the endless web, while my mind keeps screaming profanities at me for some reason or other. that would pretty much sum up the context of my day, besides that

I am a bloody klutz when it comes to handling a pool cue,
SUBWAY has developed for itself a newfound place in my heart (and stomach),
neil gaiman and tim burton will always be two of my favourite people in the world,
pink looks freakishly good on me (again, my wallet has lost the pounds that should have gone off my waist),
and people do not appreciate enough the sheer wonder that is gale harold.

hopefully the bounty of the day's misadventures has drowsed me enough to cancel my nightly hour-long toss in the sheets.





is it merely ironic that while I'm fully capable of dishing out emotional and strategic advice to other people, I am at a complete loss when it comes to my own affairs? ah, such is the story of my life.

i'm supergirl, and i'm here to save the world
but i wanna know, who's gonna save me?





am feeling that my very extensive collection of defence mechanisms are actually byproducts of my deep-rooted insecurities.

ah well, and the academy awards were a little disappointing too. I wanted johnny depp to win -pouts- stupid sean penn.

yes. pleonasm. the use of too many words to express a single idea. I probably do that alot.

am very happy with 412. we rock. we got second in the whole level for Os, as compared to bottom for prelims. stupid tai tai woman should be banging her head on the staff room wall by now. good. wish I could be there to rub it in her face.

am feeling strangely disconnected now. should be able to smile again in the morning.

till then, for my entertainment purpose only,


Apathy, well I can say your lucky, in some ways.
You see Apathy is no emotion, basically you
don't care. But that does not make you a bad
person. Some of my friends are apathetic and I
love them, but it wouldn't hurt to care a
little more. Trust me life hurts, most people
who are apathetic do it cause they were hurt.
But don't worry, life is pain, its also
pleasure. Good luck.

What Emotion Dominates you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're a lollipop!! You're known for your coolness,
for you are a trend setter. You're a natural
leader, and are good under pressure. People
often seek you out for advice, for you have
great insight.

Which kind of candy are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

I suppose at the end of the day, everything's just there for you in interpret as you wish.

From the highest to the lowest in rank, the orders are: seraphim, cherubim, thrones, dominations or dominions, virtues, powers, principalities, archangels, and angels.

so, hc or rj?

truth be told I tried my best, but somewhere along the way I got caught up in all the world has to offer.

and if I'm not home this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.

*yawn*

yay so my dad's finally back from vietnam. never realised how much I missed him till I heard his voice on the phone asking about my results. nice to know the whole family's back together again. still a little strange for me to remember that not too long ago I used to hate his guts. funny how things work out.

like my results. never expected to get 7 A1s. wouldn't have been surprised if I only got 5. so yes, I get to go wherever I want now, and the question that remains still remains unanswered - where do I want to go?

got halloween photos from samy today. woah that seemed such a long time ago. claud and bosnia came as mobsters. I wanted to steal bos' black trench coat. so nice! and fran actually rented a mask to look like phatom of the opera, while I just put on a sweater and called myself "autumn". and it wasn't even an autumny colour =p oh well. mitch came as surfer dude, if that's any surprised, and mandy! oh yes mandy and her crazy-faith-slayer outfit. leather pants! and she was so on about the whole thing she actually went crazy shopping for accessories with me. again, my total lack of enthusiasm shows.

serene won best dressed, of course. everyone loved the mad scientist look. you go girl! -whistles- um. -or at least tries to-

am feeling strangely mellow now that I've spent most of the night out. lyn was like "I got 8 points and I'm crazy happy! you got 6 girl, what the hell's wrong with you?"

hahah truth is, it just wasn't in me. I have no idea why. of course I was happy, DUH, I spent the entire week worrying hello? but I guess just not enough to jump up and down like a lunatic or cry my eyes out with joy or something like that. I did bounce a little though, if that's any consolation.

maybe it was just the school u. white on white bedsheets tend to do things to your enthusiasm.

anyways, guessed I made up for it when shar and the gang brought me out again. I swear I'm the little baby in the group. cough. I sure am the youngest though, and it still scares the shit outta me that I'm two years older than everyone else my age. I mean, mid-life crisis, hello?

anyways, most everyone was there, wei and his sister, shar brought her friends from school, jeremiah haoyi chris nictay kella yishin ruyi. yup. and everyone was trying to get me to do spastic things; they claim it was to celebrate my great achievement, but I suspect it was for their own entertainment instead. monsters, all of them.

am probably too tired how to sound excited. might get headache in the morning from too much laughing. till then, adieu.

played pool at mambo today while everyone else was still at school so we had the entire place to ourselves for a while.
which was nice.
everything turned out damn taiko in the end. for me, at least.
played for almost two hours. cost us 11.60 altogether.
quite ok larh, considering.

then went lido to watch along came polly. hilarious.
"be like the hippo."
frank azaria I think his name is. love his accent. he really bulked up, esp since america's sweethearts o_0 oog.
still don't understand why serene wants to watch gladiatress, oh so-not-the-fan-of-stupid-humour person that she is.

then went to try on random stuff all over the place.
realised that purple isn't really my colour. and pink looks freakishly nice on me for some inane reason.
found a nice MNG skirt, but it's 65 quid. as usual, my taste exceeds my means.

finally convinced ht to get a skirt. woohoo.
I dress too old for my own good.

40 hours till everything pulls to a standstill.

shall go murder my legs on the track tomorrow if my head should happen to stop spinning.

and that is the sound of my life being blown away.

semiconscious update:

whaaat?

ugh. am too busy worrying about the results to do anything remotely coherent. will try to eat in a couple of hours. till then, shall wallow in the little hole beneath my desk until friday morning when my world ends. my fingers are going stiff. is that a bad sign?

do not understand chem. and worse, my book doesn't seem to cover redox, unless it's renamed and refiled under somewhere else on the content page. am going to die when school starts. oh wait. if I'm not already dead, that is.

again, wallowing. do not disturb.

waaahh the sky today was so beautiful! not a cloud in sight. perfect day for burning your skin off and developing a sun rash.

tomorrow's tuesday. and the day after that is wednesday. then it's thursday. and finally it's The Friday where The Results get Announced and people like me get The Breakdown. then, of course, the class plans to go out and freak. if it's good news it's to celebrate, if it's bad news it's to do all the crazy things we've always wanted to do before getting back in touch with our sanities and eventually commiting suicide, so either way it's gonna be wild.

anyways, mom's decided to blow up the kitchen again cooking beef stew, so I've gotta go programme the fire dept on speed dial first. ciao.

omg squeee!

hyde from L'Arc~en~Ciel

everyone I'm in love with is older than me! I should probably stop this right? not good. not good at all.

go here for more pics. AAAHH!!! he's like an asian version of johnny depp *g*

acjc funorama was sweltering. boy, the sun sure chooses the damnest times to come out. oh well, mandy says it could be worse, at least it ain't raining, which I am inclined to agree with.

there was basically nothing to do, just walk around and exhaust your tickets on food. I'm not really a game person. ht wanted to get a henna tatto, and since the shelter ran outta space, I had to wait for her in the sun. turns out, the henna artist did a really bad job because she was pissed at something before ht came (uh..) and I smashed into her hand anyways, so oh well what a great waste of 5 quid. and the friggin crushed-ice stall put yucky corn cream onto my rootbeer flavoured ice. yeuck.

other than that, sat at jeanne's stall and stoned -__- and faith ran off with jeremy to dover market to get oil for his stall. um. or something.

psy was there. HELLO PSY! bosnia too. HELLO BOSNIA!! and mandy and cheryl. HELLO MANDY AND CHERYL!!! oh yijin too! haven't seen her since new year's eve. HELLO CHIN!!! and zhic and james and chris and kimboon. HELLO EVERYONE!!! there were damn alot of people whose faces I remembered but whose names totally abandoned me, so there was just alot of waving and smiling and walking off again. hugged everybody I recognised because the heat was making me dizzy. plus the fact that jeanne forced me to buy pasta from her stall. I wonder if anyone's died from food poisoning yet. and faith went crazy calling "timmy" in her squeaky voice every two minutes. hahah so cute. she says she's addicted. I think he has a crush on jeanne though o_0 hahahah joking larh. then again, who doesn't?

cheryl thinks he's handsome -__- and I had to agree. shtupid #@!%*&$!@ -mutter-

and ye was doing glitter tattoos at one of the booths. wtf?! isn't she in hc? but anyways, she made a mistake, so she was trying to rub the glitter off one of the girls' left shoulder blade. nyaHAHAHAH. I bet I could've done better -sniffs conceitedly-

blah. left EARLY because IT WAS FRIGGIN HOT and THERE WERE TOO MANY PEOPLE. bummed around at ps for a while, drinking mosburger ice tea till my tummy bloated like a lifesaver =P found a shop that sold the glittery tattoo stuff. wanted to get the black one, but it's the sponge tip kind so you need stencils. I'd rather just use a pen to draw random stuff all over my legs. cheaper. hahah. graffiti girl.

found a DAMN PRETTY flower clip that cost 28 quid (I know. wtf?!?!) but it's from aussie and it's limited edition, and the girl brought it out to show us, and it was friggin nice and I totally fell in love with it, but again, 28 quid -__-'||

anyways, they were having this promotion where you buy small flower clips for 2 quid each instead of the usual 3, and they'll do your hair for you. wanted to, but I was in the wrong outfit, so decided to come back some other time. tried on a brown skirt with vertical stripes (slimming effect!) was very nice but cost 36.90 without discount. too bad. ht was a very sporting shopping parter though. heh.

ordered my own copies of trc on the way home. they have up to book three!! must tell wei's sister.

so that's it. I'm spinning into one of those people who do nothing but recount their days on their blog. whoopee! maybe being stuck at home has somewhat addled my literary senses.

ah frig. results are out next friday. damnnit. why can't I stay in "waiting" mode forever?

and there are some seriously retarded people out there.

just finished calling wei's sister to squeal over trc. I swear, that woman is still stuck in her teens man. she's 25 this year, btw, and still looks like a college senior, while I'm 17 and look like I've been dragged through the mud and back. damn that family and their bloody good genes.

and I found out that she has a blog too - one that her family's not supposed to know about for obvious reasons similar to mine (we're both mad, for example). but one cool thing about her -- she studied in the UK before, so she's totally unsheltered, unlike the rest of my cellgroup aquaintances, which means we can totally spill on everything and anything! cool huh.

another cool thing about her -- she actually speaks really good english, again unlike the rest of my cellgroup aquaintances. and she even kept her UK accent because she knows it pisses people off.

ahah! like the time when we were having lunch at taka and a bunch of chao bengs were talking damn loud near the steps along the escalator. so the both of us were riding up the escalator and talking equally loudly about inane girlish topics, and basically just trying to disrupt their conversation with our brit accents kicked into overdrive.

and guess what? we got a glare! cool eh?

ok, so enough of the cheap thrills. as you can tell, I'm so bored nowadays that I get high on the slightest things. um. when I'm not torpid half the time, that is.

hahah and here's an excerpt from today's entry. she says it's ok to post as long as people don't know where to find her so shhhhh..

A of the latex love, so happy in his newfound fetish, is extremely concerned about my romantic well-being. I do my best not to comment that if the alternative to being single is smelling like an explosion in a rubber factory, I'll pass, thank you.

We met for a cup of coffee and to check out the talent in town. Or rather, he eyed the talent as I did my best to deflect the inevitable matchmaking.

"Over my left shoulder," A hissed and I looked to see who lay beyond. "No, don't look straight at him. Just have a quick look."

What was this, junior school? Do You Want to Kiss Me - Tick Yes or No. "You're starting to sound like my mother," I sniffed. "Anyway, too short."

"How do you know? He's sitting down."

"Oh, believe me, I know." Button-down blue cotton shirt, tucked in to too-high trouser waist. "He probably has all the Patrick O'Brian novels too."

"You have to be kidding." A clearly can not see the forest for the rubber trees. "You can't reject someone on taste - no, not even on taste, on your assumption of their taste."

"Can do, will do, done."

Some minutes later as we picked at a shared pain au chocolat, he spotted another likely suitor. "On your left. Tall. Reading."

I looked over. Sure enough, a long drink of water was unfurling his limbs under a table, holding a paperback copy of Requiem for a Dream.

"Not bad," I mused. Oh wait - no. "Eep, smoker, forget it."

"You're going to reject someone based on that? But you've dated smokers before."

"So over that," I said. "If someone's going to have an expensive, pointless hobby, I'd rather it was skiing. Or better still, buying me expensive, pointless things."

"If you carry on like this, you'll die alone."

This from the person who once told me, aged 23, that he hadn't had sex in six months and was therefore taking himself permanently off the market. This from the person who perennially lusts after his first lover, whom he hasn't seen since they were both 17. This from the person I can vouch is the worst kisser ever (all tongue, no style). With friends like this, who needs relatives?

I scoffed. "What, at this wizened old age I'm already past it? Besides, my talc-coated friend, we all die alone anyway."

to the clueless - A's her ex and he's two years older than her. they're actually from the same U, but they only met during her junior year, afterwhich he graduated, which I debate is the reason why they broke up. they still meet up once in a while though, and according to her pictures of him, he's hot. albeit in a very typical tanned, sunglasses-wearing, wake-boarding, killer-smile kinda way.

but who cares? he's still hot.

hm. ok. think two entries in the same night is enough for me. I'm becoming a little too dependent on this blog anyways.

night!

song for the moment: behind blue eyes limp biskit

yay just borrowed CLAMP's latest work from wei's sister. and it's so damn CUTE!!

um. well. ok fine so it's not really that cute, but I love the way the CLAMP team managed to compile all the characters from the other series into a new storyline. and chii is still so kawaii ^__^ love the new cat ears. still a bit miffed that sakura's the main girl though.

and I figured the name out too! the whole manga series is called Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE (I know, I know, the whole toggle ala singaporean thing doesn't do if for me either but -waves it aside- it shall henceforth be typed as trc due to my increasing lack of connection to the shift key).

1. I have no idea why Tsubasa. anyone know if there's some kinda special meaning?



2. res·er·voir     n.
   A large or extra supply; a reserve.



3. chron·i·cle     n.
   An extended account in prose or verse of historical events, sometimes including legendary material, presented in chronological order and without authorial interpretation or comment. A detailed narrative record or report.

so basically, the story is a detailed account of events that occur within the lives of selected characters from CLAMP's pool.

yay. I'm now well on my way to becoming an etymology detective.

or not.

either way, I'm bushed, and my feet hurt from playing soccer. and when I say "playing soccer" I mean my nugatory attempt at trying to maneouver a ball around a basketball court.

eventually I gave up and just went for kicking the opposite team in the shins. I tried to make them look like accidents, but it was kinda suspicious that the people I kicked happened to be nowhere near the ball when it happened.

hrmm.

aahhh I'm damn friggin full!

went for dinner with jeanne and faith and a few of jeremy's friends. wesley wasn't there. thank goodness. and guess why. everyone's trying to get jeanne to break up with him. I still don't understand why she won't though. I mean, I understand the whole "he's my first so he's special" thing that my dad tried to explain to me, but still, anyone can tell jeanne deserves better.

ok fine so I don't really know him that well, and I don't know his habits or his favourite colour or how his handwriting looks like, but I could tell straight off that he was just wrong.

call it female intuition, or an auto-friend-protective thing, but wesley just doesn't deserve jeanne. not in the least. especially not her loyalty, when he can't even stay faithful to her for chrissakes.

grrr. jerk.

anyways, obviously faith and I have been trying to play matchmaker right? girl power banding together to save jeanne from the evil clutches of boxkite-weasly and all.

so: GO ZHIC!!! wo men yong yuan zhi chi ni!! wooohooo!!!! -waves pompoms around like a couple of crazy lunatics-

hmm faith and jeremy are damn cute together doncha think? ^__^ see:





and here's me and jeanne. yay she gave me a hug and told me she missed me -sniffsniff- I MISSED YOU TOOOO..



the guys: zhic (the cutey with the shui weng weng eyes), john (the stoner/girl/bitch) and kimboon (the shortie whose temples pop in and out from the sides of his head when he chews! hahah we had a damn good laugh about those pulsating temples -nods-)



and random freak shots when faith went trigger happy. notice how jeanne's eating in both? -raises eyebrows-





yup. so that's it for my pic sharing. had a damn bloody good time. totally adored the bunch of 'em. frickin monkeys the whole lot.

they were showing the mtv asia awards red carpet on the screen across our table, so we at least had something to talk about through dinner. jeanne thinks tata young is hot. hmm ya think?

oh, and kimboon had a lame rjc joke for us. here goes:

why don't people want to fly on Peter Pan Airways?
because he nevernever lands.

doi.

and stupid michelle was in a movie, so she was initially supposed to meet us at 8, but even after we finished eating and all and practically walked half the way to monsterQ already, she still hadn't shown up yet -__- doi.

other than that, watched ryan and trista's wedding pt2 tonight. all I can say is - at least it wasn't tacky. was actually even a little touched by it, too. who know? maybe it really is possible to fall in love with someone over that short a period of time.

and this only goes to prove that women choose better than men -- the bachelorette is the only couple still standing. just goes to show men appreciate things better when they've had to fight for it.

sigh. the things we women have to put up with. maybe I'll just give up on the male population and join 'melia on one of her lesbian romps around the country.

who's line is on soon! shall go watch now.

by sixpence none the richer.
hmm ever wonder what it meant, for that song to be sang by a female?

which ties in with todays sensational!entry -- this.

other than the (shocking!) fact that schwarzenegger is governer, the gay issues are worth a look or two as well.

honestly though, I don't see what's so wrong about it.
gay marriages, I mean, not the fact that arnie's a governer (my thoughts on the matter range from "wtf" to "wtf?!?!").
my cell group leader will probably shriek appallingly (considering the recent address of the matter, in which I decided to keep my mouth shut before they send me to bible detention), but hey, never really liked him anyways.

but really, same argument -- with the track record of hetero marriages going down divorce lane, and the complete disrespect for the sanctity of the term "marriage", what with adultery and britney spears and all, I really don't think any of the "people" have the right to judge what's "allowed" and much less what's "right from wrong".

you see the thing is, hetero couples take marriage for granted.

it's simple for them to say "will you marry me?" at the nearest street corner and have the rest of the crowd cheer them on. "married" is just that easy a status for them to achieve.

gay couples, on the other hand, know the value of marriage because they've been deprived of it for so long. they know it's something they want, something they've wanted for a long time - as compared to the young hetero couple who jump into marriage on a platter with an impulse.

so if it's an issue of who should be allowed to make a life commitment to one another (an issue that is larger parts personal than political, the way I see it), maybe it's the gay couples who "deserve" to be married, at least more so than people below the age of 23.

but I'm wrong. the first mistake I've made so far is separating the hetero couples from the gay couples. there is no difference. they're all just the same -- two people who value each other enough to want to make a commitment. something that's getting rarer nowadays, hetero or no.

so if the so-called moral issue here is about the "unnaturailty" (don't think there's such a word, but wtf) of the sex act between a gay couple, just so you know -- perfectly straight people have done worse. much worse.

freaky-deaky omg what is wrong with you people bizzaro type of worse (the possibilities are within your level of sheltered-ness, but think the worse, all of which have been commited by perfectly "natural" straight people).

I think I've made my point. so forgive me if I find it downright degratory when people use "gay" as an insult.

considering that more than half the male population have negative dispositions toward gay issues, and that the other less-than-half consists mostly of gays themselves, dan says it's a type of permanent damage, having him as a best friend, because now no matter how amazing! a guy is for me, if he happens to have anything less than an accepting attitude toward the gay community, our chances of a future drop to nil, and I could very well stay single all my life because of it.

damnit. he may be right.
again! grr.

and this just made me laugh. bushit. "dignity and respect" my arse.

because nothing really matters --

is this the real life, is this just fantasy
caught in a landslide, no escape from reality
open your eyes, look up to the skies and see
I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy
because I'm easy come, easy go, little high, little low
anyway the wind blows, doesn't really matter to me

mama, just killed a man, put a gun against his head
pulled my trigger, now he's dead
mama, life had just begun
but now I've gone and thrown it all away
mama oooh... Didn't mean to make you cry
if I'm not back again this time tomorrow
carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters

too late, my time has come, sends shivers down my spine
body's aching all the time
goodbye everybody, I've got to go
gotta leave you all behind and face the truth
mama oooh (any way the wind blows)
I don't want to die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango
thunderbolt and lightning, very very frightening me
Galileo (Galileo)
Galileo (Galileo)
Galileo figaro (Magnifico)
but I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me
he's just a poor boy from a poor family
spare him his life from this monstrosity
easy come easy go, will you let me go
Bismillah! No, we will not let you go, let him go
will not let you go, let me go
no, no, no, no, no, no, no
mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

so you think you can stone me and spit in my eye
so you think you can love me and leave me to die
oh baby, can't do this to me baby
just gotta get out, just gotta get right out of here

nothing really matters, anyone can see
nothing really matters, nothing really matters to me
any way the wind blows

-- bohemian rhapsody queen

ahahah everything is wrong with me nowadays. find any word in the dictionary that means crazy and voila! you've got me.

I'm beginning to suspect that I may have a mild case of schizophrenia.

oh well.

thank goodness not many people know how to find me here. actually only (a choice few) 412 people and a couple of friends, fellow bloggers, that's all. which is very very good, because if half the people I know actually read this crap, I'd find myself extremely ostracised for the state of my mental capacity.

yay if things go as expected, will be watching lost in translation tomorrow. verry good. have been wanting to watch it since the golden globes yes.

feeling mildly estranged with the contents of my wardrobe at the moment. I can't believe there was actually a time when I'd have bought all that stuff. intruiging.

oh yes, and I've finally found a clause for all the strange yapping I've been doing recently --- flu!

yes, apparently, the fact that I've been getting minimal sleep on an overdose of booze-induced nightmares has been doing rather pernicious things to both my personality and my physical health.

so now I'm nursing a stuffy nose and a swollen oesophagus with a nice warm bowl of sweet potato soup. yum.
hmm. may be developing a case of ginger-addiction.

song for the moment: this love by maroon 5.

due to the sickening miasma of booze in the more recent of my misadventures, please excuse the previous lack of coherence. I guess it's believable that I've been walking around in a comatose state for the better part of my memory, and have been rather torpid for a majority of the other.

dan had the nerve to called me puerile.
hence, I retorted by calling him a schmo, and added that he was responsible for most of my malefactions anyway.

compare the total lack of precocity there please, which totally just proved him right. I hate it when that happens.

yes I was pretty pissed off at his accusation, because he was right as usual, and yes I was absolutely livid, but only because he had to go and leave me all by my lonesome self, and again I stress the part where I say all by my lonesome self.
it's all his fault, you see. absolutely.

but I still abhor myself for being so damn disconsolate at his absence. I hate this part of myself as must as I hate him for being right all the time.

because he was my grace.
and now all I have is a vacuum where there used to be repose. how's a girl supposed to deal with something like that?

am beginning to understand the meaning of lacuna coil. strangely disturbing how mood swings bring whole new meanings to words that didn't use to have any at all.

yes I changed my layout. because someone told me that the previous one turned him on, so I'm trying to take away that one speck of pleasure he derives from using the internet. muahahah. bad, evil me.

that's the sketch I did in my black book -points right- which is why there're a few scribblings at the bottom and the lines are sticking out all over the place -__-

and my granma keeps calling my hamsters mice in chinese. what's up with that?

hm vday was a little weird. sharlene gave up trying to get me to dance, and we headed off to our cell group "singles" party, which was actually just a realy big farce to get people drunk, considering that there were couples there too. at least people were coherent before midnight. the only remotely-though-pathetically-fun part was watching people slump over the second floor railing of wei's house, while a bunch of us placed bets on how long it took for him/her to completely fall off.

other than -counts one, two, three, four- people, I hardly knew anyone there. like I said, the party was a farce, so only about a quarter of my cell group was invited - the (above legal age for drinking and won't rattle to their parents if they found alcohol at a cell group party) quarter, actually.

so the weird part came when someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was les.

uh, gee thanks.

after I gave him the "who the hell are you" look and told him NO, he asked me for my number and I asked him if he did this very often.

ask a girl if she's homo, and then ask for her number, that is.

turns out he was with the bunch of guys who asked 'melia for her number (which one? happens alot. uh, last friday. freaky orange hair guy? yeah that one.) and as usual we followed our routine of her pointing to her friend on the dacefloor and telling them that she's her gf, afterwhich she places her arm around me and I smile reeaaal sweetly. once, a guy even said "cool, can we watch you two kiss?"

coughcoughcoughwheeeze.

how very male. typical sleezebags.

anyways, as it turns out, he vehemently denied his lousy excuse for a pickup line and I told him thanks, but no thanks.

I really didn't understand why he asked me, but if it's because of a bet, I hope he got a really embarressing forfeit for losing it.

of course, sharlene was with me, and she muttered "loser" while he was leaving, after which we both broke out into giggles (so I'm a girl. forgive me.)

but really, if you want to make friends, you do it the normal way, ie. introductions from a mutual aquaintance, not go up to a stranger and pretend to be interested in being her friend, when in actual fact all you want to do is get into her pants.

but I still hate myself for feeling flattered, though. maybe it was a good hair day.

truthfully, I never really found a point in cybersex.

I mean, all you do is text message porn and jerk yourself off. not to mention that you have to have a hand on the keyboard all the while to keep the opposite party up on your progress. wouldn't you rather rent a porn video? at least then, you'd have the visual and audio stimulation as well.

so, remind me again, cybersex -- what is the point? if it's because you want to do it with "someone else", that plan really backfires on the fact that you're just ultimately masturbating, which is a "one person" thing. so, duh, see the contradiction?

*konks random people on the forehead for no reason whatsoever*

anyways, been spending time sketching cute!sumomo and pensive!kotoko in my trusty black book. am relatively happy with the way they both turn out.

and this is the point where I remind myself of Freud's hypothesis.

if I can get my scanner to work, I'll prolly upload it (always a joy to share my pent up sexual energy -__-) so don't wait at the edge of your seats, people.

shall write more about my very strange friday night once I get back from dinner. and my stupid clock keeps screwing up so the dates on my entries are all wrong. blast.

crashed hc today. um. or yesterday. bio lecture on lipids! the teacher was damn nice, as the record of lecturers go. met andre there and ms was like "that's andre? he looks like that? I always thought he looked different from that." hm. weird. oh and I met mandy there too! she's freaky friendly nowadays, but that's a good thing I guess. hope she's made lots and lots of friends. jun and kelvin were there too. and yy!! omg yy looks damn feminine now *boggles* she grew out her hair so it's all wavy at the back. so pretty! hahaha and she wore earrings too. who woulda thunk?

miss 412 like crazy. life in JC is boring. all you have is lecture after lecture, more tutorials than you know what to do with, stupid SPA pracs and ridiculously long days with pe at the end.

and I'm so dreading getting my O level results back. the worst thing that could possibly happen is that I get more than six points, which means that there's a very large chance for the worst to happen. go figure.

anyways, I'm gonna be happy happy happy for as long as I can manage. sharlene's trying her damnest to teach me hip hop, but well, HAH. me. dance. no. my leg-hand-eye coordination will disgust you to no end. yes, it is that bad.

am going to sleep now. hopefully. SING MAROON 5!

oh, and happy valentines' everyone.

"why're you always so happy?"

that's what len asked me today over the phone.

like it's a bad thing.

but really? I just don't have enough energy to be anything but happy right now. thinking too much, caring too much, bothering too much, worrying too much. everything's just too much. so I do what I can, and I do what I should, and I try to make someone's day better by sounding perky over the phone, because I can't seem to make mine better. might as well send all the good karma somewhere right? is that such a crime?

so I'm not exactly the angsty oppressed teenage rebel or the happy ignorant just-plain-cutie little pie, but hey, I get along.

and sometimes that's just all you can do.

so I'm going over to the airport tomorrow with the rest of the section to see mel off, and I'm going to tell her how damn lucky she is, and we'll hug and we'll joke, and then we'll say goodbye. and she'll be happy. because really, what's the point of feeling sad over something you can't change? might as well stick it a finger and face it, right?

right.

ARGH i'm up before 10 again -rubs eyes-
my leg itches. stupid mozzie bites.

oh, and mel por's going off to melbourne too. great. so now TWO people whom I know and care about are gallavanting down under while I'll be stuck here pining and envious, as usual. frig. maybe I should've taken up my dad's offer to send me to trinity. at least then we'd be in the same 10 mile radius.

and stupid dan had the decency to remind me. ha-bloody-ha. stupid git.

hm. no point thinking about that at the moment. just wanna get my o level results back and dammit, but I hope they moderated the humans papers.

shall go bury myself in more chem now.

Freud claimed that all art is merely redirected excess sexual energy.

-looks at various sketches and poems in sketchbook-

hm. I guess that makes me a pretty big hoe.

and I've always wondered why I found art classes so appealing. if only I actually did my homework once in while I might have actually passed o_0

fascinating subject, psychology. too bad it doesn't pay as well as it fascinates.

anyways, my attempt at the contrelamontre challenge travelling.

finished in 30 minutes. sorry if it's short. muse is on vacation.

Diversion.
LotR RPS. Davelijah. PG-13.

( David never believed in forever )

wow, the grammys this year was better than I expected. at least john mayer didn't win anything. and neither did 50 cent, or sean paul. yay to both!

too bad sara mclachlan dinna win anything for fallen though. I like that song. and the beatles tribute! wooo! pharrel looked quite outta place though, being young and black and basically coatless for the performance.

so do not understand the appeal of clocks as record of the year.

but the hey ya! performance was pretty awkward, I think. does anyone know if the flashlight guy was jack black? and the whole weirdo-green-tribal-complete-with-titanium-boots look was just that. weird.
the band was a nice touch, though.

apologies for the inane and broken blah that's being rolled out. haven't really got much mind to think at the moment. maybe it'll get better once my tagboard starts working again.

hah. whatever gave me that idea?

anyways, think I've babbled quite enough as it is. catharsis over the net just doesn't do it for me anymore. it's nicer to spill things to people who are actually physically there.

if not, I got myself a voice recorder. yay. so now I can so stupid felicity things with it.
if you have no idea what I'm saying, be thankful that you have not been exposed to that monstrosity that they dub "drama". I still do not see how it managed to procure a season two after the disaster it made in one. puke me.

oh, yeah, and does anyone understand howtf to do electron configuration for chem?

mail me. please and thank you.

I wonder what it's like to be you, sitting across me with your red miniskirt and black eyeliner. you finger your cigarette nervously and let out a shaky laugh. I hold my breath, because I know you need that puff; that choking sensation that tells you you're still breathing, that sting in your eyes that tells you you can still cry. I've never much liked cigarettes. they killed my grandfather, and I fear that they will kill my father too -- though I fear more that it is not the smoke that will kill you, but something far worse.

I missed you at lao ma's this year.
laughs. my dad wouldn't have appreciated me being there.
he still hasn't let you come home yet?
shakes head. I don't think he even wants to remember I'm alive.

there is bitterness in your voice, a voice that I have not heard for more than a year.

I try to change the subject.

how's school?
not going too well. It's my last year, so I really need to buck up.
then why don't you stop working?
I can't. It pays for all of this.

by this you mean the clothes and the makeup and the hair and the cigarettes; long-term investments you called them. I never found the point in making money from selling your ass, just to make it prettier so that you can sell it again.

the money's really good. and I don't even have to work every night. sometimes if I'm lucky, all they want to do is watch.

it's too cold for me to blush, and I try to sip my mocha, but my chill's too deep for me to warm.
so I look up into your eyes, and you quickly dart your gaze down, and I see your mask is flaking. your lips are cracked from all your laughter, and your fingers are peeling from all your pain.
I try to remember the girl that you once were, playing with the girl that I once was, and all I see is that we're both lost. I met you on a pavement along a rumbling night in clarke quay, and I wonder how different I am from you now, and how different I was from the overachiever that fell once, too hard, and forgot to stand up.

but you smiled and told me that I've grown, and I asked how you've been, and we sat for some coffee, and the night seemed to dim because there were too many people with too many agendas.

don't you have to work tonight? I asked.
just finished actually. so don't worry about it.

don't worry about it. that's what you said when I begged you not to.

don't worry about it, the manager told me they're all credible. perfect gentlemen, really. not like those lao ah peks at the ktvs.

yes, and you deserve better than them, because you're no mere tramp. you're a call girl, so different from the whores that pander the streets; a social hierachy of prostitutes, selling their bodies to pay for their souls.
because sex is merely a commodity, and you're a fair merchant.

but you're a pretty girl, and they all love your smile, because you've practiced it so many times in the mirror, you can't begin to distinguish the act.
like the way you're smiling now, when I know all you want to do is cry.

crying's so silly. it doesn't solve anything, and it sure as hell doesn't pay the bills. so why spoil a perfectly good evening sobbing in the dark, when I can be out here, where all the bright lights are?

It seems ironic that you were the one who gave me the strength that I needed to break free, yet I can do nothing as I watch your family fall apart, as I watch you fall apart.

so I wonder if my pity for you exceeds my admiration, for doing what you do takes guts. my apologies that I can't get angry enough, or sad enough for you, because it's been a long time since I've found it within myself to feel, and everyone knows that all I do is listen and nod, when really I wish I could do more.

you walk into a room, any room - the reception at a hotel, the waiting area at an office, the pub around the corner - and you see her. she glances at you once, and you wait for her to glance your way again, because if she does twice, that means she's ready to be seduced. so you sit down, and you wait, pretending to be absorbed in the latest Time magazine as you watch her from the corner of your eye.

you look up, your eyes meet, and she's yours.

but then, in that random apartment in the middle of the night, when you awake to splash that blessedly cool dash of water onto your fevered mind, do you ever wonder -- will this ever end? of course you don't belive in love. love is only meant for the selfless and the brave, not the selfish and the cruel. then again, you are not a cruel man; merely heartless.

but your pain is a private shame, not a public excuse, so you bury it deep, deeper than six feet into the ground, so they cannot come back to haunt you.

perhaps you are already damned, but only because you cannot bring yourself to seek your own salvation. you're not worth that much, you say, you're not worth that cost. and in your aloneless, you feel more lonely than you can bear, for there is no peace within you, just a dull leaden weight that you call the inevitable.

but you chide yourself. love is a hopeless cause, and you have sold your hope to keep your soul. for we are all only beggars, begging for love -- and what love can come from two people with an empty bowl?

so you wash, and you dress, and you collect your things from the floor and the bedside table, and you close the door behind you.

because that's what you do -- you close the doors behind you.

watched ocean's eleven again this morning because my dad isn't in town so I totally ransacked his vcd collection. am still dazzled by the brilliance of it all. I wonder if it's really possible for such a thing to happen in real life. hmmm *cogwheels turning*

totally unrelated to the gist of the show, but quote --

TESS: I'm with Benedict now.
DAVID: Does he make you laugh?
TESS: what?
DAVID: Does he make you laugh?
TESS: (pauses) He doesn't make me cry.

yes, love is screwed up, isn't it.
oh, and I totally loved that black british guy! the one with all the explosives.
"in other words, we've just found ourselve in alot of rubble."
"huh?"
"Barney Rubble? TROUble!"

alright then, next stop, italian job.

and that sr-71 song is so totally stuck in my head. gaahh. oh well, at least until I move onto something else, like I do with most things in my life.

The fastest man in the world, fast asleep at the wheel
Nobody wants to be alone, so how did I get here
When I look at you, I see him staring through me
Awake and a smile, cuz he's been inside of you
Is he all the things you tried to change me into?
Is he everything to you?

Does he make you high, make you real?
Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you

I can still find the smell
On my clothes and skin
I can still see your face, when youre sleeping next to him
Is he all the things you, tried to change me into?
Tell me does he…

I've had enough of fears, you let them out
Now I wrap myself around you
Like a blanket full of doubt
The darkness burns, the sunlight fades
He's your everything

You make me high! You make me real!
You make me cry! Now you know the way I feel
Love is all around you, your universe is full
But in my world, there is only you

[sr-17]

it's strange. the way people fuck each other up, fuck themselves up, because they're just not ready to see.

ugh it's barely 10 am. what in the world am I doing up so early?

oh right. I'm supposed to be in hc at 1130.

sigh I have no idea how I'm going to survive the mornings once it becomes a requirement that I go to school.

anyways, johnny depp's hands! um it's the best I can find in 10 minutes.

btw, the layout uses blackadder itc font. if you don't have it, you might wanna get it. it's a given for windows xp winword, but I'm not sure about the other versions. yeah. just so you know.

guuuh the lotr soundtracks are bloody good. and I, very surprisingly in fact, considering my normal alt rock inclinations, find myself very much in tune with enya at the moment. annie lennox doesn't really have a good voice. the song is quite another thing altogether though.

aah thanks to ms and her 13pound ether song cd, I've finally found the name to that song.

I'll probably never forget dan, and there's no way I'm even going to try, so I'm going to deal with it. in the best way possible. optimistically, of course, and with much help from sarah mclachlan and dearest kellA, not forgetting the eternal fandom of lotr rps ^__^
for the moment, anyways, till I find something else that catches my fancy.

speaking of kellA (her name's kellyanne, actually, but she says it makes her sound like a sweetheart and she hates that, so instead, after debating over how else people should address her, she came up with a name that sounds like a member of S.H.E. -__- much to my chagrin. but, hey, who am I to judge? she's the best thing that happened to me since ice cream.) the cooleset thing happened today while we were out shopping. kellA wanted to get a prezzie for one of her cellgroup mates, so we went to the body shop to see if they had any cool offers. itchy fingers that I was, I went around smelling all the perfumes (I already like the passion flower one) and all the shampoos and body washes. while one of the salesgirls was really amused, the other was really annoyed, so I purposely went to gek her by smelling all the face masks as well ^__- hahah that's me, public nuisance #1.

anyways, they were having this offer at the counter where you can get a body wash for 5 quid instead of the normal 12.90, and the bottle said "cinnamon and nutmeg" so I was like "ooh, cinnamon! I love cinnamon! and dan used to smell like cinammon too!" so I lifted the cap and took a deep whiff.

I tell you, if I hadn't been in public (I do annoying things, not embarressing things), I would have squealed so loud the glass would have shattered.

it smelt exactly like him! hahah I now know the type of detergent, shampoo and body wash he uses! -boggs- so I bought it, and have been sniffing it like a drug ever since. people sniff glue, I sniff the body shop cinnamon and nutmeg body wash. yay ^__^ happy me.

....

I swear, if dan ever found out, he'd hang a big neon sign around my neck that'd flash "STALKER" in bright red letters, complete with blinking arrow.

wheee yes, so I finally spent some time on my page. the formatting is a still a little screwed up because the previous one clashes with the current one, but, yeah, whatever. just deal.

first and foremost, omg jeremy sumpter is ABsolutely DElicious *fans self* I don't even care if people say he has bad teeth, I can look at smile all day anyday *squeee* omg omg OMG!! I can barely supress the squeees right now. and in celebration of my paedophillic fantasies, I am going to daydream about him for the rest of the week. nightdream too, of course *nods sagely*

secondly, nick nickelby is SO SLASHY, and I don't only mean the show.
I thought that guy playing nick looked naggingly familiar - even the way he talked was damn friggin familiar. so I waited till the credits to find out who he was, and then, bang, everything clicked into place: Charlie Hunnam.
Nathan from QaF UK!
no wonder! I should have recognised that mole anywhere! and that accent he has that sounds like he's always over enunciating in between words at all the wrong places? so now I also know how he managed to act all the slashy scenes with such.. slashiness.

hahah which reminds me, I CAN'T WAIT for the next season of QaF to start screening! Brian Kinney is SO my friggin wet dream.

well, that is, if girls even have the ability to have wet dreams.
hum. never really thought about that before. do girls have orgasms during dreams just like the guys do? how intriguing.

anyways, other than that, didn't really do much these past couple of days. ate alot over the long weekend, because one of my aunts is muslim, and she held the belated puasa dinner during haji and I can never resist her mutton satay. sigh. and on monday, we had cny dinner with our neighbours, at the woman's brother's western stall (he used to cook for some hotel or something. new business, she says.) and the portions were huge. as in HUGE. but it was so good that I couldn't bear to waste it, so I took a really long time, but I managed to finish everything. after that, of course, I had trouble walking to the car. hahah. it's quite hilarious now that I think about it. it's amazing though that I didn't puke on the way home.

remember that woman I mentioned before? the one who's like 20 years older than me but we clicked right on? we met at my dad's office bbq or something, and she introed me to an author - osho - and he sounded pretty amazing, considering how she'd been waxing lyrical about him for the past hour or so, so I decided to go check him out. all I can say is woah.

WOAH as in "omg this is so totally true" and it's like he managed to put the mess of thoughts, and ideals, and illusions that I had about life and organised them so that I finally made sense to myself.

love, freedom and aloneness. the three greath mysteries of life. hahah. amazing how much I've learnt, after reading that book. yet maybe I have not learnt at all, but have finally understood what I've already known for so long.

best thing is, he looks like an Iraqi/Iranian/somewhere-inbetweener, with the beard and turban and all.

of course, I have not forgotten that neil gaiman is still my phwoar.
check this out:

Quote from "Sandman: Preludes and Nocturnes," Morpheus in Hell:

MORPHEUS: You say I have no power? Perhaps you speak truly...
But -- you say that Dreams have no power here?
Tell me, Lucifer Morningstar.. Ask yourselves, all of you...
What power would Hell have if those here imprisoned were not able to dream of Heaven?
genius. I am surrounded by genius.

zach has this strange way of making me feel better all the time. all he has to do is give me one of those signature omg-are-you-friggin-crazy? looks and I can't help but smile. he's the only thing hanging me by the thread at the moment.

yay my uncle's promised to teach my how to play slide on the guitar. and I'm going to cut my fringe! hahah yeah so it'll be like those chinadoll straight lines that run across the eyebrows. ah, the memories of primary school.

nothing else much to say. except happy hari raya haji everyone. it doesn't matter if you're not muslim. any public holiday's worth celebrating.

progress on dan: no longer sighing as much. onto the stoning stage.

{update: oh yes, and I'm so so so screwed up right now that I actually like Britney Spears' new single -faints from shock- the Mtv for that song is so WAY out there. ghelpme, I like it. I'd do something about the shades for the bike scene though -nods-}

am now in mood to write angsty fic.

you know how when you give someone a really big hug, and at that very moment when you squeeze your arms together you instinctively take in a deep breath as well, and if you're lucky, that person hasn't been having pe under the sun for half the afternoon and doesn't smell like your brother's socks after training, and instead smells like fresh linen practically all the time? dan used to tell me that he'd always have a change of clothes in his locker so that no matter what, he'd be able to change before he came home, because he's never been able to stand those kind of people who stink up the bus over the long arduous journey home, and there's no way he'd ever become one of them. I'd like to think it was because of his courteous disposition, but I have to admit to the possibility that his natural gayness was what contributed the few extra points to his personal hygiene.

so every time I hugged him welcome after he came home from ns, he always smelt like freshly pressed linen sheets and clairol's herbal essances.

which is probably why I stay away from the laundry now, at least until I can bear the smell without thinking of him again.

actually, that's just my excuse to myself as to why I'm not helping out with the housework. if I really wanted to forget him, I wouldn't be taking out the old shirt he gave me every night and sighing myself to sleep with it.

GOD this has got to stop.

signout [18:10:50]

I have decided to climb out of this ridiculous ditch that I seem to have fallen in. I refuse to be a victim of musings, or despair, neither of which, as I have learnt through various means, are worthwhile uses of my time. also, I have realised what a complete and utter letdown I am being to myself, considering that I have lost sight of many things in the past month or so, things that I should have put higher on my priority list. now that most of my distractions have been cleared, I shall attempt to complete the first in my long list of tasks - to clean my room, goddammit.

dan left somewhere in the middle of wednesday night, sometime after midnight when I couldn't be bothered to find out the time just in case I started counting down (always a damper on the spirits, yah?). I didn't cry, amazingly, because I told myself that that's not the last memory I'd like to leave him with. until he comes back, of course. yes. must keep that in mind. summer break, yah?

I sound somewhat broken now, I think. can't seem to string the proper words into proper sentences. it's just strange, having him gone, after I've depended on his presence for so long.

anyways, watched the last samurai yesterday. it was terribly heartwrenching. really makes you think about what truly matters in life, and how we have sacrificed our souls for economic advancement. almost cried in the middle of the killings. maybe I'm getting pms again. I just felt it was such a waste, to have so many deaths, for an ultimately worse cause - the death of the soul, perhaps. like the guy said, he died in his honour, whereas we have no honour left between us.

other than that, my brother totally kicked ass at the new soccer arcade game. won some card from the machine that everyone seemed to want. edgar davids or something. davies. david. davids. hmm. yay to him!

watching peter pan today! ^__^ going to see jeremy sumpter, yes? yes. and I watched the interviews he had with that wendy girl on AXN. they were totally flirting with each other it was so *eeshe* but then again, they're only kids, so it's kinda hard to separate the platonic from the romantic. why do you think all the short-term relationships happen in lower sec? ok or at least that's what I tell myself. because I still want jeremy sumpter *chuuu* just that I gotta wait for him to grow up first.

kinda ironic, though, considering he plays the infamous peter pan.

I can't believe dan's gone. I mean, I know he is, because I see it everytime I turn to message him and think "oh wait, he's in australia." and the times when I feel like going over to fiddle with his guitar (I'm on my third chord *beams proudly*), I realise it's not there anymore, because it's probably sitting beside him on the moving van right now as he drives to his uncle's (his uncle is SO COOL. so cool. and he doesn't even look 57.) so many things that tell me he's no longer here, and all I can tell myself is I don't believe it.

hah. but no one really cares what I think anyways. every song I listen to, every programme I watch on tv, every mrt train I take, every time I log onto the com and wish it was his laptop; everything reminds me of him. my mom says it's just the effects of the adjustment period, and that it'll get easier to accept soon enough.

maybe I don't want to accept that he's gone. maybe that's why he's most of all I think about, because he was the only thing that really mattered to me. really, really mattered.

-laughs bitterly- why, oh why, did I have to go and fall in love with a gay man.

oh well, it's an old song, but that's probably why it's once of the hardest to forget --

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

And now we're grown up orphans
That never knew their names
We don't belong to no one
That's a shame
But if you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won't tell no one your name

And I won't tell em your name

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same
It's lonely where you are come back down
And I won't tell em your name

name by the [goo goo dolls]

I'm not the one who broke you, I'm not the one you should fear.

it's actually quite frustrating that they don't have a compilation album, because all the good songs are scattered around.

signout [19:29:36]

A Story

It was Judgement Day, and at the Pearly Gates to Heaven, God interviewed all the creatures who would be given passage through.

First, he asked the Rabbit, "How have you lived, Rabbit?"

"I ran atop the hills and I had many babies."

Then, he asked the Bird, "How have you lived, Bird?"

"I flew across the skies and I had many babies."

After that, he asked the Deer, "How have you lived, Deer?"

"I sprinted over the meadows and I had many babies."

He nodded and turned to the Wolf, "How have you lived, Wolf?"

"I prowled the forest and had many children. But once, in order to give my babies strength to grow, I killed a Rabbit to feed them."

Then, he asked, "How have you lived, Dog?"

The Dog replied, "I was faithful to my master, and I had many babies."

Finally, Man came along, and God asked him, "How have you lived, Man?"

"I worked hard, I earned money, I fought tooth and nail, and I had many children."

So God asked him, "And what has become of your children."

The man answered, "They were killed in the wars."

The animals had done well for themselves, but Man, alas, had made so many mistakes. In the end, God passed his verdict, and allowed all the creatures to pass through to Heaven.

"Even Man?" the animals cried.

"Man, too," God replied. "It's all my fault, for I was in too much of a hurry, to make the world in seven days. I could have taken two weeks, and there was no one to complain. Maybe then, I would have done a better job of it."

The End.