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Saturday, July 6, 2002 12:36 a.m.
I am back in the black hole. It sucks to have depression. It's like this big cloud of tired nothingness. No matter what I do, the cloud catches up with me. I think about slitting my wrists, and I laugh, like it is a funny fantasy. Glamorized and dripping with crimson blood, like this indie film a friend of mine made...
Everything is going well, I have two jobs, an amazing apartment that is like a tree house, and good friends. Still I'd like nothing more than to crawl into my bed. Maybe it is because I am almost at the end of an era. "The College Years." Now what? I have things I want to do...but getting there, well that's another story!
Tuesday, April 23, 2002 05:13 a.m.
Keeping up with this diary is hard. Keeping up with my life is harder.
So far everything is in a weird state of some kind of wonderful. Got invited to a party where the current object of my lustation will be, and an indroduction promised. Because it is all about boys.
Sunday, January 20, 2002 03:26 a.m.
Permanent Crushes vs. Reality
If you have to ask...then no--or so they say, when it comes to playing the "does he like me" game.
In fact, I feel like I am really not ready to move on with my life when it comes to new men, so instead I find myself slowly mentally limping towards freedom at a space-slug's pace. A few real-world bad relationships, a few mind-fucks along the way, and I am truly ready to spend the rest of eternity in bed with only my stuffed animals to keep me warm. I do think that I have made a few super-hops, and only minimal trips the last two years career-wise, so really I should be happy--but isn't that just simply the mantra of the overeducated, under-self-esteemed post-feminist females?
So, to compensate for my bipolar self issues I have found myself sadly living life as a relational scab the last few years. (In reality the scab in question has lasted me a good five years, which progressed somewhere in that timeframe from a massive pustulating abscess.) More or less I am permanently in love with an imaginary boyfriend, created from a one-time friendship gone wrong down the road of like, who doesn't even exist in my life anymore. See, the thing is when it comes to love, I am beginning to think that scabs are really the way to go. You can pick at it all you like, but it is always just a scab--with the same old expected gush and goo hiding underneath.
So, the last 12 weeks or so ago, I finally decided to quit playing with my scab...and I am pleased to report that it's actually slowly becoming a scar. This scar is definitely not as comforting as the good old flesh wound, but in a way much easier on the sanity--or at least for a bit it was! Somehow I thought life was all going to finally be OK, and that I had left the tunnel of obsession hell I've lived in for so long... all the while comforting myself with extra large helpings of Pad Thai. I thought that since my career was going better, and my smile is a little more sincere these days, that there had to be some new injuries on the horizon of life and love yet to be incurred--and I was up to the challenge!
Thus, the last few weeks I inadvertently set myself up to encounter the inevitable. I managed to develop a nice 6'1 scrape, from a slight lifting of the scab goggles that I have worn so comfortably for the last few years...in a mere matter of days. Just like jumping rope with a garden hose, there he was like a crack in the sidewalk! I was actually in shock, from the amount my retired heart could still hurt. In fact the stinging pain was so horribly crushing in comparison to the dull ache I live with daily, that it made me want to crawl back under my charcoal gray impulse-buy fuzzy blanket forever.
Worst of all, I simply have to get up and find my own Band-Aid this time, and move on fast like a super-stealth space slug! Mainly because there isn't a first-aid-kit in site, and my scrape had no clue I was looking for a relational paramedic, so to speak. I just really don't want to make the same mistake twice.
...and if you take care of it quickly, scrapes are supposed to heal faster, right?
Friday, January 11, 2002 03:09 a.m.
Well, it seems that the new year has started off with a bunch of disorder. A good friend lost a job, another good friend lost a home, and somehow I lost a lot of money in my bank account! (Yes, I am $197 overdrawn.) I honestly don't know how that happened?! I haven't really been spending that much, and I tend to be pretty good with the ol' check card! Add to that a lovely battle with some insane bitch from hell on ebay...my stuff better fucking be in the mail--you whore!! And well, there you go!
Tomorrow I am going out to lunch with some people from work, with some club guy, hoping to cut a deal. Scary when college radio becomes schmooze land too! Nothing is sacred anymore. All in all the gig is good. A little too working for the PTA, but good nonetheless.
Anyway, I am down to having to deal with myself again. Which is hard. Much harder than anything else. I can work a stupid job, go to stupid school, march through the rigmarole, but I can't save myself. Insomnia, and depression. Quite sick of the one two combo. Took some benadryl last night just so I could have a break...but the blank sleep was so odd. Falling asleep, and then waking up five hours later, like I had just blinked! In fact, I was rattled awake by the loss of time! Kinda like how you feel when you think you slept through your alarm, and just missed a final exam. See when you never sleep, the absence of sleep causes this nifty side-effect of 24 hour consciousness. Even when you doze, the clock can still be felt ticking.
I don't know ... maybe it gets better. Life is rather lonely in a weird way. I've been thinking about how people get spiritually tired, and just give up. At what point does it not matter any more? At what point do you laugh at society and just decide to sit on the curb, and watch the vultures tear at each other?
When can you refuse to play the game, and get away with it?
Tuesday, January 1, 2002 03:47 a.m.
Happy New Year!!
I can't express how happy I am that 2001 is OVER! There were highs, but mostly lows. I have high hopes for the new year... it started out pretty well. I got to spend time with people I like--which is always good.
I am almost free of the family thing. I feel like a hostage in my own house--everyone is off of work, relatives are over. It is hard to find a moment of quiet anywhere... Still working on the offices. Hopefully they will be ready soon.
Hilary is back in town tomorrow which is awesome! I miss her way too much. My sister has started calling us, "Co-dependant Platonic Life-partners"... which is kinda sad, but it is good to have a best friend! So no apologies here. Anyway... Hil' hooked up with a hot boi in El Paso for midnight, and I spent New Years with a hot boi here ... so perhaps there is hope for us yet on the world dating scene? Har, har, har...
I need sleep and a resolution.
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