ah! my stomach keeps bloating. feeling v angry now. and it feels weird to read an ex's girlfriend's blog and read about her talking about him. that must be part of the attraction. yes. i'm intrigued by her. hahaha!
ranted on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 at 12:20 a.m.
a happy and narrative entry
watched the eye! its a very interesting movie but scary isn't the word i would use to describe. at some points martin hugs me really really tight like he's afraid, but i'm sure he's mocking the movie. coz... it had a nice plot, but it wasn't scary. really. hehe! now i wanted 2 watch my girl coz gen said it was great, but martin has the vcd! yay oki shall watch it soon.
we were looking for food to eat when you know that chinese restaurant down at suntec food area? well they're always having the cheap food promo thingy right? so martin got real excited coz u get sweet sour pork, beef, scallops etc $6 each, and sharks fin bowl $6 each and coz we are essentially poor students who don't have parents ard to bring us to eat chinese delicacy, we fell for the trap and decided to try the food. martin was so enthusiastic coz he got to order food, and he over-ordered at first. haha! we ate so much! but there was a yummy yam ball thingy with scallops and all that. he likes it. anyway the food is okay only lar. but that yam ball thingy is nice. its $15 tho. yay! nice food day.
well babies of february and march will be glad to know i trudged in sweat and stained ice-cream hands (i bought on the way back) to the christine-recommended place werner's oven to get a nice chocolate mousse cake! celebrations tmr everyone!!!!! :)
ranted on Sunday, March 28, 2004 at 08:55 p.m.
self-pitying post
i slipped a tiny pink rubber band across my hand because it looked nice and i thought i'd wear it later, but i didn't. now my hand has a red line across it, it's really ugly now. i wonder if ppl look at things at first and really love it for what it is, not what it looks like, but slowly, when they see that there are cracks and faults, will they still love it as much? i'm sad that in life, nothing is perfect, yet some people can't see that.
was nice going out with the kiddos today. they all look a bit different, a bit more mature, a bit more lovable. too bad when martin came they stopped talking to me and left us to our own devices. poor boy was e only guy as alme n james din't come so he was quite traumatised walking ard in far east.
feeling kinda sad. it hasn't been a good day. overall i haven't been feeling too good. having a bit of a low self-esteem, guilt, self- loathe, pity and a bit of disgust. i wonder how long i can trick myself, that maybe i can match up to all that i see. acting is a delusion, not an avenue. somehow u can see yourself as that perfect figure, but only onstage. offstage, i'm still that simple, plain jane. i wish someone could hold me and tell me that i matter.
ranted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 at 10:42 p.m.
i just read my blogs last year and realised how much love and zest i had. haha! do i lack all that love for ppl, eagerness to compliment and liveliness in my posts? i fear that!!! and i still love you, my darling. i love you so much, i shall message you now. haha :)
ranted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 at 12:45 p.m.
truth
an accurate description of me, actually found in a chain email:
You consider love as the most beautiful thing and you love to fall in love, but a number of your group members think that the person they love is not sincere with them.
You love to be with your friends and you are always found to be a dutiful friend.
You can hardly control your patience, which is a very big drawback of your nature
ranted on Saturday, March 27, 2004 at 11:31 a.m.
my new egg!
look what rachel went and got herself, now! :)
ranted on Friday, March 26, 2004 at 07:21 p.m.
mono pix
oooh. i put up nice quotes of my MONO. for the ppl who didn't come watch it, here's e nearest i possibly get to recreating it..
HERE! :) alt i've a video, can ask me if u genuinely wana watch k!
ranted on Friday, March 26, 2004 at 07:06 p.m.
change, gms and God
Quite happy with the GM today.. for the first time this whole year i felt lofty actually saw, understood, supported and defended us... and it felt really good because we had all at one point or another felt so left out, hurt and betrayed by them when they gave us all these ultimatiums, restrictions, etc... and i guess we were all so touched, when he finished his speech i said thank you.. i heard a few others (yas jas lynn len) too.. i felt like crying.. the teachers really and truly do care.. and we need to realise that.. :)
the same way i was happy things were thrashed out with the juniors coz that'll definitely prevent us from bitching about them.. i remember last year i hated GMs and i always thought they were unneccessary, but only when you look at it from the other side can u fully understand the neccessity and urgency of it. i hope they understand that we genuinely care for them, thats why we want them to change, so that they can feel sort of belonging to our pieces.. and also that our relationships will be better lar.. regarding a certain person, i really told myself i'd be understanding, but i really can't.. so given the opportunity today, i hope change might improve circumstances! :)
finally, feel v guilty and disgusted with myself, because i didn't thank God for my really good results, i owe it all to Him coz i couldn't have done it alone.. pray that He'll continue to be with me, and forgive me. sighs. yasmin said i'd get to perform both my mono and duo. yay i guess, feel v honoured.. don't let it get to my head pls! i love all of u. =)
ranted on Thursday, March 25, 2004 at 08:08 p.m.
looking in today
have i been sounding a bit self-indulgent lately? i think so. ok, so lets put all the bitching and name-calling behind for now and focus on a stress-free tsd-free happifying stuff for this period of time. get back my friendships that i've left out, bring back my darling, get back in sync with normal life. my tsd acting grades were great, too bad it's only a 16% and my theory isn't strong enough in all papers. gotta work hard i guess if i wanna try and get a B.
went with charm and huan on a really long but fun trip to her house where we stopped by at white sands, then loyang point, her house, then the chalets. was quite fun being normal students again talking about silly stuff.. these 2 are clowns that i will nvr forget. u know huan, i do think we're a bunch of weird ppl but that what makes us so fun. to each other i mean. haha. i love yall. saw nice jelly sticks that crystal like so i got a bag. i think i'll learn to soothe my ever-jumping nerves for now and try to feel better about things.. yes. ah. trip to zoo with fareena and co soon. yay!
hmmm. oh and me charm n crys went to pastamania for lunch, we had a heart-to-heart kinda chat about things that i suppose we've kinda been thinking individually but not talking abt.. and it felt good because i thought we all felt like proper good close friends again.. confiding in more emotionally connected things... i missed that a lot.. kinda brought me back to year 1 days when we would go out of school and enjoy ourselves.. these 2 girls make me so happy sometimes.. i really was.. i think its weird how ppl can understand u so well despite knowing u for such a short span of time..
what can i say? seems like i'm starting to look at my friendships and value them more all of a sudden.. maybe it's the incident that triggered it off, but let me tell the dears tt invited me back to the chalet with them, it made me feel welcomed and loved. and i love you back equally. haha. don't worry, i'm not hitting on u. i'm just feeling... blessed as of now. till then, i won't think about deadlines, exams, stressful times..
OH AND yuran actually called me for dinner the other day. made me happy i hope he'll call again. happy.
ranted on Wednesday, March 24, 2004 at 09:09 p.m.
:)
today was not a good day. i have no idea why nicole suddenly lashed out at me abt lofty.. i mean, i don't think i've had any disagreements with her and i thought she was pretty ok with me.. does this mean the stressful times are back again? sighs.. i dunno but i hope tmr's results will not change the way i feel about anything.. scared though, because my mono experiemnt was a real freak. yeah feeling really vulnerable because of the person i thought hated me, but maybe it's just a moment of pissiness. i get pissed at ppl too, so i guess ppl have the right to get upset at me as well.. :) i'm sorry if i'm a real fucking bitch to anyone.. unless i hate you, i probably din't mean it.. and i rarely hate ppl... fuck i feel really upset today... especially after watching He Loves Me, He Loves Me not.. you kinda wonder if the life you lead is a real one, in that sense.. scary thoughts, sad life of me.. i'm just happy i made it though the day not breaking down with all these feelings that ppl around me must hate me... ah well.. protecting myself.. that's prob why i'm resorted to my lifestyle..
ranted on Tuesday, March 23, 2004 at 10:16 p.m.
mind drifting away..
I am a horrible discriminating person. was on the bus and saw an elderly man with a deformed chin. his bottom half of the lip all the way to the end of the chin was swollen skin, i think it's a kind of disease. i had to sit diagonally opposite him and i felt so trapped. i couldn't look anywhere, i kept checking my bag, playing with my phone and pretending i was dizzy and stare ahead of the bus. i feel so guilty though. when i sneaked a peak, i saw how utterly sad this poor man looked, and i knew that he probably knew how uncomfortable i was. yes. i must be one of those disgusting people who are so hypocritical when i tell people not to be shallow and looks don't really matter. what a bunch of lies i'm telling you. i bet you can see through me, can't you?
aww hell. anyway speaking of people judging other people i'm really sad that someone i thought was a good friend to be talking bad about me. maybe i should've expected it, i kinda saw it coming with the way this person had been behaving... well what can i say? i'm real good at bitching too, but i never bitch (meanly, or intentionally hurtful) about my close friends.. especially people that i really really treasure. i treasure your friendship.. even when people wanted to tell me how you changed, i tried to stop them, i didn't want to join in. maybe it isn't worth it. but i tell myself at least i'm true to you.
As the bus stopped directly outside st pats, i didnt even have to look up to know it. how dear, how familar, how much has vj become my life? i love everything in here, thriving in this environment.... especially since this holiday, i actually realised i really really missed my friends: esp huan my no1 fan (see who tagged me again ;P), charm, sue, crys, von, fatma, yassie, and my parkway kakis lynn mosey lennie. haha. :) and lofty dropped by and chatted with us for nearly 2 hrs. nice. he makes you think and i take back every upsetting thing i ever say about him. he's a dear dear wise soul. love him. and ms poon's not feeling well, guys. we got her a nice lovely card and a good book to read. ah.
feeling better a bit now. :) yes life's not all bad so long i have ppl who matter to me. i like holding charm's hand. hey, i'm not lesbiany to you, okay?! its too long.. my food's getting cold.. later..
ranted on Monday, March 22, 2004 at 07:54 p.m.
dancing in the rain
I'M HAPPY TODAY, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU! have fun listening to maroon5... hahahahhahaha :)
huanling is now my no1 fan.. that's great.. that's one hell of an impt fan ;) yup today i had cravings for rosti but when i saw martin's crestfallen face when he heard tt i wasn't dying for sushi (the way he was), i relented. was a good idea in the end, coz we ate sushi for lunch and i had my fav spicy salmons & squid thingy, BUT!!! we had rosti for dinner/break/tea erm.. which meant we had rosti and a nice berry waffle. yum. a perfect combination. after that it was raining but we were hurrying back, so we ran in the rain. in my new HIGH HEELS. darn, think got a bit of a blister. nvm, quite fun actually, i felt quite liberated, bet if i was running for a longer time i'd like strip down to my undies and run in the rain or start masturbating like that porn show me and phuong found.
haha. i'm just kidding you know. :)
(am i?)
ranted on Sunday, March 21, 2004 at 10:46 p.m.
change
At some point in time, now when i look back, i realise that i have changed from that loud noisy clanky thing i was to someone who's actually quieter and thoughtful and much more of a loner.. i don't mean to say i've had a complete 180d change.. but that i'm realising that these ideas of being alone, enjoying the quiet and peace, and these treasured times suddenly mean a lot to me. a horoscope says Tauruses are homebodies, who like ritual and enjoy their quiet time... few years ago i would've scoffed at that.. i always was in the center of attn (gd or bad), making loads of noise unneccessarily even, i think.. now i don't seek to do that anymore.. though in TSD i have a few treasured and loved friends.. we're happy and i'm happy to sit back and relax sometimes.. no longer want to constantly prove myself in everything.. i love walking home by myself.. a lot of time to think thru my day and see what i've done correct or wrong.. i'm not the loudest person around anymore (Eventho when i'm excited my voice is damn loud but i can't help tt! :P) but rather i'm talking abt letting go and being myself.. i'm happier this way.. i think.. i always thought i was one of those that would enjoy nightlife and make a lot of noise and happily attend parties and go out a lot.. but my room becomes a good friend, a solace i can turn to when i'm down... i'm not sure though if this is my change.. will people look at me differently? will i lose my dearest friends? will i lose you?
fuck i hate being alone still though. no matter how much i change, if being alone isn't a voluntary choice, it doesn't make me feel good. here i go contradicting myself. you wouldn't understand, i suppose. too happy out there in your own world and i can't change my own destiny.
ranted on Sunday, March 21, 2004 at 11:54 a.m.
for you
...and you, i dunno how to say this but i really miss you. its stupid coz ur physically there, but i don't know how to explain it.. i just hope u'll get work out of the way soon.. i'm missing fun days out having fun without worries or other appointments.... but ur great :) for making the effort your forever my darling. heh.
ranted on Saturday, March 20, 2004 at 08:04 p.m.
jolted up
On jhalley's comp now.. a nice meeting of old friends today.. realised and thought about people and our relationships... each and every one of us are subject to these ties: the 'holds of relationship'.. love, friendship, circumstances, joy, pain.. but im so afraid when i am able to see that you and i, our priorities and choices are so different, will it break the strong tie we have, or used to have, if i were to be so cynical? sometimes love might not be strong enough for what we all need, and then what we need really in this world-- a reality check.
ranted on Saturday, March 20, 2004 at 07:56 p.m.
mona lisa's smile
i finally watched it and thought it was a brilliant movie.... :) too sleepy now.. off to bed havent done a thing! and im going back tmr.. what a bum i am..
ranted on Thursday, March 18 , 2004 at 11:08 p.m.
its early!
well hullo! someone really special and cute reads my blog so this is a biiiig hello and a yummy *HUG* and loads of bunny kisses and i miss you! haha :)
its damn early coz me and daddy went for dimsum in the morning.. he noes my fav still, ordered all the prawnish stuff for me *burp* ah. satisfied..... martin dear's going for camp today and i hope he'll take goood care of himself, yes? dun u dare sprain that little leg of urs... i like it.. hahha! :)
been reading chicken soup for the christian teenage soul lately and rethinking my own goals, priorities, attitudes in life.. i'm a real failure at being a christian. i'm one of those people that when the occasion rises and when i have something to say i'll defend my religion to the death of it, but actually i don't even practise God's word. i bully, discriminate, love biasly, i don't deserve God. but yet i know He loves me, and he'll stay with me. so maybe i'll just say this as a change to myself.. i want to be a better person.. and i will try my best.. there's no use keep on coming back everytime i do something wrong and ask for forgiveness, or whenever my exams are up i pray to God and ask Him to forgive me for straying. i am that black sheep, but if i want to try and change, will He stay with me? i suppose i want to do this for myself, for my family, for my future, and most imptly i want to shine in Him, not in my own self.. ok this might not make sense... sighs..
oh yeah mum says if anyone is feeling depressed drink honey and put a spoonful of cinnamon in it. she has a chronically depressed friend, now off med coz the honey made him feel much better.. sth worth trying... if you really want to help change your own life..
ranted on Thursday, March 18, 2004 at 09:12 a.m.
heya babes!
hullo and i'm home! previously havent got the mood to actually write something, but seeing as daddy's home finally with loads of jelly bellies and candy and chocolate and.......... u know.. why not? :) feeling good finally had my indian food, YAY! also mummy's been great.. feel kinda sorry for her coz my SISTER knew she wanted badly to watch MONA LISA'S SMILE (someone pls explain why mum wanted to watch it!!!!) but didn't go with her. nvm, we'll get the VCD, haha! :) martin's phone's always engaged at night.. wonder who has taken my place as the queen of nighttime calls... i really hope its his internet, his parents, or (i don't hope this) a breakdown and not some girl.. named tarty or sth.. haha! :) yeah still havent bought my jeans and a skirt yet.. if i have the time i will. managed to make mum buy me a nice pair of heels, yellow though.. they dint have other colors.. but surprising since its 80 bucks, nvm, there was a discount! maybe tt's why.. also when she brought us to mega mall we went inside the gourmet date shop which incidentally sells cookies and chocs and she let us pick away! amazing huh? yup its been a good hol, only thing is the nagging feeling behind me that we've got to do 2 friggin essays, math hw, peer appraisal shit (i've been sculpturing answers in me head!! :P), try some math S stuff (it's damn hard!!) and finally.... study econs. pls tell me how difficult the test is! *mwuah* my lovelies! tag me i miss yall!!!
ranted on Wednesday, March 17, 2004 at 1.46 p.m.
i learnt that when you are sick, what matters isn't the amount of medicine you get or the rest or the time you sleep or anything like that, but that special person holding you tight telling you you'll be fine, and giving you flighty kisses that take your pain away. i love you baby.
ranted on Saturday, March 6, 2004 at 12:10 a.m.
Just wanna take this opportunity to really apologise to everyone who i have pissed off this week, i've been feeling really bad and thus took it out on you ppl - not right i know, and i'm sorry =S. esp the harmless people.. To all my dearest friends in school: a52 and a55 dears, i'm sorry i've been a bitch, pls dun hate me! :( i think most imptly to someone dear that i didn't have the time to pick up the clues and be more caring a friend, i'm really really sorry. you're really dear to me so i hope everything works out okay. lets all treasure what we have, because when life takes everything away and strips us bare of what we think can hide all our flaws, we won't be able to survive in the vulnerability. i feel lost and, sadly, flawed. will i be saved?
ranted on Tuesday, March 2, 2004 at 11:41 p.m.
missing you it hurts
Oh - thinkin' about our younger years
There was only you and me
We were young and wild and free
Now nothin' can take you away from me
We've been down that road before
But that's over now
You keep me comin' back for more
And Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
Oh - once in your life you find someone
Who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down
Yeah, nothin' could change what you mean to me
There's lots that I could say
Just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way
I've been waitin' for so long
For somethin' to arrive
For love to come along
Now our dreams are comin' true
Through the good times and the bad
Yeah - I'll be standin' there by you
ranted on Tuesday, March 2, 2004 at 11:35 p.m.
i am a baroness
Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi.
ranted on Sunday, February 29, 2004 at 12:44 a.m.
by the way, happy birthday to my horrible smoking alcoholic friend, whom unfortunately i still love v much..
ranted on Sunday, February 29, 2004 at 12:35 a.m.
gems from rachel
feeling a little weird recently. with my weird extremist mood swings, i appear to have offended a lot of people (methinks) and i guess i must admit i'm been a little highstrung lately. that day over fight with nadia about me needing to loosen up, i had to bite back (a correct thing to do) a bitchy post about how ppl around me should learn to get a grip and be more serious abt life. ouch. yes. think i'm getting old and cranky, yes. still, to some extent i think i'm sick of jokes that have subtle (often not so) or sarcastic or serious undertones. i'd like honesty and humility once in a while. okay there appears to be no connection between the two. nevermind. i just am tired of facades, and people who pretend. i don't know what i'm saying i guess. still. in this very stressful period i thought i'd say something that i told von, which i realised how valuble it was and that i should just put it down here so i'd remember it myself. i think we all need a lot of assurance and love and support from one another, so maintain your relationships well now, because they are most essential: in love we should all be more understanding and caring towards each other, reducing each other's pressure faced; in friendship we shouldn't put pressure on one another and try to lighten up the times when we are together, and not focusing on stressful competitive topics that are rather sensitive at this point; in a working environment we should all be polite and considerate to one another to make the whole place a better one, to not poke your nose in when not needed. had an unpleasant experience today when jas decided to "crash" bry and my slot which both of us dislike. heh. :| yes. i think these are my rough guidelines i'll work within, hoping others will do the same too. it's a difficult time, i think, and unless we all think for one another and ourselves at the same time we won't make it. not happily anyway.
on a lighter note, regardless what jasmine thought, lofty thought me and bry were doin rather good and that we were able to play out a rather difficult piece in that correct frame of mind. and we've kinda got it. so there. let us to our own. worried shitless about mono and unable to see a solution. what do i do? worry. yes. keeps my mind off loads of things.
dearest, i'll be there for you whenever you need me and i said that i would continue to support and understand.. so i will...
ranted on Sunday, February 29, 2004 at 12:19 a.m.
staying back
Stayed back to watch the music fest auditions.. first up the clubbing girls' group was real cool.. i loved chloe and mel and that mary! i was just staring at them.. haha wish i was a guy i'd be in love with them ;) i think mary should be in front.. yupyup. yeah and then nigel's group. wow. i mean.. i'm underexposed and expecting just breakdance, but its beautiful! its like a funky sequence and i dunno how to say this.. but its damn nice. :) good job nigel my group member! mwuah.
after that, we went to watch calin and gen sing.. gen has a real good voice.. but the way she looks when she sings is a bit funny... oops... ;) still, twas a touching song that touched my heart... calin is a wondrous singer lar.. aih.. what else is there 2 say abt her? my groupmate what.. why are all of them so talented? hehehe. :D
i hope they get in, this year i'm def gonna watch MUSIC FEST!!! =) oh yeah, nearly forgot to say, alphis looked damn hot on the drums, what else can i say? *SIGH*
ranted on Wednesday, February 25, 2004 at 05:26 p.m.
smart or stupid?
oh my god. read
THIS. I'm so disgusted at the people who judge other people's relationships based on their education and background????.. so what if they're "intellectual disparity" is wide??? to begin with, whoever one chooses to date is none of YOUR business! just this evening i was walking back with another scholar who was posted to xin min before making it to vj today.. i suppose, like me, she was one of those who were able to see the other side of singapore, the half that aren't part of that "elite" mindset of themselves. honestly, i have to say that the way singapore tries to group the students into different streams (i only just recently found out GEPs were picked at primary 3 or 4??!) thus creating the gap of the "SMART" and "NORMAL" kids is very very wrong! this is a very clear and obviously disturbing reason of why it is wrong. these people will never be able to realise that not everyone is like them. and while they continue to compete in their smart world where everybody else, like them are high flyers, scholarship achieving, bla bla bla, they will be insensitive and incapable to understand other normal people! i was appalled actually, when meeting some of the top school people, when they look down of students from not so prestigious and high ranking schools, thinking that these people are incapable of achieving what they have.. i remember those that claim people of these schools should not be in our top jcs.. its one of those discouraging things that really upset me. what makes you think that with your supposedly higher intellectual capability you're superior than others? i mean, really, when you go to work, do you think where you come from is gonna help you get your job done? gonna confirm you promotions? gonna make sure you get far? gonna let u pass your As? you think it means you're the smartest person around? ok, what am i talking about? SURE IT MAKES YOU FEEL THAT WAY!!! it's no wonder that people in less well ranking schools, or rather the neighbourhood schools (see, must you call it that?!) feel that they are inferior beings. the whole bloody country treats them that way. well these people are fucking wrong! you, of all people, you who are educated, well trained in eq, equipped with knowledge beyond others, you should be the ones who help the lesser capable! not looking down on them. i tell you, i'm proud of where i come from. so what if i'm not from like, rgs? i'd pick anderson still, any time, any day, because i would have the chance to see and understand, and treat people with care and concern, without any disparity or judgement based on their ability to think academically, than be from any top 10 school and go off to the real worlds thinking i'm some superior being. because you and i and everyone else knows... no one is. i'm so angry now.
ranted on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 at 06:47 p.m.
please go look at my darling kitties at home! they are so absolutely tiny and adorable. yes. yes. i love them. ginger and all.
here.
ranted on Tuesday, February 24, 2004 at 12:04 a.m.
a happier entry
I think when life suddenly takes a turn and becomes better, it does really become better. i realised that i need not be in this hell hole called pain, at least not alone, and when you and i, we lean on each other for support, life is so much more bearable. so that's why God made man and woman. =) thanks aub for helping me realise that i had to make things right again. yes. a talk that made sense and lots of love to go around. thats what we all need. thats what you need my dear, i didn't realise that you must've been miserable yourself.. ah.. without my man i'd still be stuck in the dumps wailing and ranting about my sad life. yes. haagen daaz ice cream chocolate fondue famous amos and a bit of love suddenly makes a whole lot of a difference.
yasmin darling, why in the world would you think i'm referring to you? i think i kinda miss you, in fact. i see you, yet i don't really see you. i wish i could just hold you and see you become happy again. don't u miss times in anderson where we could bitch and be happy and nothing really mattered? i miss nadia and fareena and tassha and huda and atiqah and saiy and gully. wanna go back where life was so much... simpler.
yay mummy will pay me back and give me money and she says i can take a nice yummy executive bus home this time round! feeling happy at the fact that i'll be going home. martin's going home too, so we'll get a break. NOT FROM EACH OTHER LAR. just from a hectic school life that's wearing us down so much when we go out we look dead. haha. :) yay. yay. aubrey why don't u come down singapore and buy me new underwear? i want new underwear!!!
ranted on Monday, February 23, 2004 at 11:25 p.m.
love actually
i finally watched love actually, RA and all. i was happy for 5 minutes until i realised you never really knew what happened to the married couple. i mean, would they ever really be happy again? and poor carl and that girl with the brother too. how can good things happen to the normal people but not the people with the special issues??!!?!!! AHHH. sad.
ranted on Sunday, February 22, 2004 at 10:31 p.m.
here we go again.
i think i'm becoming a bottled up angry person inside. i'm very very upset and i dunno why. maybe i do, but how to i articulate all these when i have no idea what i want? i'm angry at this hell hole, at people who don't live up to expectations, being taken for granted, and i'm afraid that i'm all alone and all the people around me hate me. am i becoming paranoid or just sensitive enough to realise that maybe i'm not wanted? i'm scared. i'm scared to do what i think must be done. i'm scared of knowing the truth. what if, you do hate me? DO YOU?
ranted on Sunday, February 22, 2004 at 11:13 a.m.
a busty entry
things havent been so good. ive been quite edgy, a bit upset at the grades i suppose, unable to accept failure, like ms poon says. but ive got pressures from the parentals as well. so when you do okay but not great, i'm not sure how they'll react. that said i'm quite worried abt
YOU too, if u read this you'll know i'm talking about you.. hope things with u and him are going ok, i'm quite worried for you coz u seem really down recently, so take care, and i'm here for u to talk if u need to :)
yeah well. being in an edgy mood my temper is extremely volatile. comes from self frustration i guess. i'm trying to be a nice and sweet person you see, but if u hit my gun, i'm gonna shoooooooooot all the way. yes. i'm quite upset that people don't care when they should. i'm angry that the world is unfair and people just aren't the way you thought they would be when you're the one facing problems.
i'm angry that you're always busier than me, and so you think you don't have to care about my own feelings and failure. i know i have to get over things myself, but sometimes a little encouragements would help. especially when life over there is great, you know. i didn't realise that much, but nigel shot out. made me think. wth.
i saw my name. thanks aubrey dear. i miss you! but i have to hit my books. bah.
ranted on Friday, February 20, 2004 at 07:29 p.m.
what do i say to you, babe, when im scared of what i think i might not own anymore. i love you and im glad ur there for me. thank you for what you said. these are the tears of joy of an opening.
yeah i think group is much better now. i mean, the way we work. i hope we can get a C. i mean, at least. the way things are.... :) i have faith in this brilliant group of mine.
ranted on Friday, February 13, 2004 at 12:42 a.m.
mixed feelings
i had a nice time with group today.. we went to far east, kinda shopped around, cheryl's real cute... :) she kept clinging on to my hand.. and we were walking together hand-in-hand like little kids... and at one point we even stalked nigel n calin coz they were so deep in conversation they didnt hear us!!! well we had a nice lunch at Hans, nigel ate his own meal PLUS pie, the 3 of us shared 2 nice western set meals. YAY! happifying. sue shoulda been there too though... :) anyway.. we met horny couple melissa n moses and leonard (poor light bulb) in PS, was real fun.. altho that horny couple couldn't keep their hands off each other.. i was real unfortunate to turn and see moses stroking mel's thighs... AHHH!!! heheh :D oh dear i hope they don't kill me...
looking forward to group tomorrow.. im glad there's no more tension.. i know how to give and take, when to tune in and out, how to love them without demanding anything. although, they touch me with how much love people who never really knew u before could give.. especially when i wasn't too friendly last time.. i think im happy the way we are. the grades really don't matter. so long as i have my group :D cheryl calin sue nigel. happy people happy me.
yet at the same time, i'm a bit disappointed about someone. i'm not sure what's going on, but i feel like crying sometimes thinking about it. i feel like.. i'm being let down, when i need support most. (and i'm not sure whether its worth it, the trouble i go through for you, if u don't appreciate it.) yeah. so i'm not exactly having a perfect life now. at least my group makes up for it.
i miss fareena tassha huda atiqah saiyidah and my dear nadia.
ranted on Saturday, February 7, 2004 at 10:23 p.m.
happyish, i love my group :)
ranted on Wednesday, February 4, 2004 at 09:12 p.m.
sorry for being a spoilsport these few days
hello all! this is a brand new rachel, revived and rejuvenated!!! :) what happened was that martin and i went to watch the chingay parade... and i really enjoyed it. i can't remember the last time i really enjoyed something so much-- but yes, it was exciting and thrilling, and the performers were enjoying themselves- therefore the people enjoyed themselves too. and as martin talked to me about things, i realised that.. that was what I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO. i think i keep forgetting to relax (yes nadia), to take things easy, and sometimes to just let go for awhile. so i went home, inspired, a bit ponderous, but altogether a much happier person. yes. i think when i let go, i find i can breathe much easier, let other people in my space, and not be so scary. i'm sorry guys. i heard jhalley (SPECIAL MENTION, MAN!! arent u sth?) got depressed when he read my blog. i'm normally not like this... but i guess when i get too low, its difficult to get up again. this time, i gotta thank my wonderful group-sue cal cheryl nigel, i love you guys, we rock!! i love our group piece!! and martin dearest. u put a smile on my face, rain or shine. i love you baby. oooh wait.. check out the funky
MATCHIN TOPS from zara i got us!!! ok not really matching.. but try to match e same shade of orange. haha! :)
yes, food, love, friends and happy group (and sex, only i didn't get it... darn) makes rachel a very very happy and contented and peaceful person.
ranted on Monday, February 2, 2004 at 10:17 p.m.
a twist
i think im at an all-low of fuck-knows-what. i really was quite sad yesterday... i just needed someone to be with me and talk to me, coz i have no friggin idea why i'm upset.. and thing is now its gotten even worse. i can't see why i keep crying for no silly apparent reason. my roommate was upset yesterday so i dint wanna bring her feelings down more... then sab only came back real late and by then i was half asleep, not really listening to her anymore. at least i had a nice talk with sue nigel n von. they made me happy a little. but you, of all people, i don't understand you. why can't you give me a little time. i always give you time. why not me when i need it now?
the workshop sucked. and i guess i was one of those who couldn't give. i really couldn't. i tried and tried and all i wanted to do was cry. or go home. or hug my blanket. why do i feel this way? i need to scream or sth. bah. ok i'm gonna stop this or i'll sound like a depressed maniac. i'm not. i'm just going through a really really low patch.
i think i know what my problem is. i demand too much from myself. nigel thinks so too. he sees that i'm unhappy if they all can do stuff which i can. i thought of it for a long time, and i really think so. i guess i'm a perfectionist, everything that i attempt must be perfect. either that or i won't even wanna try it out. i guess doing a musical really pulls me out of my comfort zone... coz suddenly i have no idea where my input comes in. ok i feel that i don't contribute enough. i'm like the empty tank, so big but useless. eh?
ooh i got it!!!
i'm v proud of my group and i love them, i love what we come up with together, but maybe, secretly i'm jealous they can dance n sing and all i can do is shout. =P
kidding lar! i love them. :)
(suddenly feel so much better)
ranted on Saturday, January 31, 2004 at 03:49 p.m.
he's not ignoring me. yay! thank god..
ranted on Friday, January 30, 2004 at 09:59 p.m.
the day i cried for no reason
hello all.
rachel is in a horribly bad mood. as if screaming at poor vivienne, poor IS crew wasn't enough, i screamed at my group. well. cheryl. ouch. shit. i feel absolutely horrible. why am i feeling this way? why the hell can't i shut up?
i hate tsd prelims. they are giving me pimples, stress, wrinkles, a sore throat, a horrible strain in friendships methinks. i think its only a matter of time, but i'm slowly losing grasp of all people who matter to me. i'm also starting to scare people. i think my group hates me.
fine i'm depressing don't read anymore.
tmr's GP common test. i hate school. and then there's a tsd workshop? i'm dreadin it, honestly, i really can't face up to it. i SAID i would get pissed if the teachers said THAT. so i did. and i got pissed for a whole lot more of other reasons. i dunno what. i can't tell. i don't know myself lar. lemme go straighten my thoughts. i think lofty hates me. fuck it i hate myself. i wanna give up lar.
ok even nigel's ignoring me online.
ranted on Friday, January 30, 2004 at 09:30 p.m.
sad, rainy season
sorry martin, thank you for understanding... i love you, and happy chinese new year!
feeling melancholic today coz its new years and all shops are closed, so i'm stuck here doing nothing. i'm bored out of my wits i decided to read a bit of vocab from a SAT book. check this out: since Kelly was so FASTIDIOUS, she volunteered to proofread our group's report. i finally have a "term" to describe my intense feelings towards meticulous detail. haha! i'm proud to fastidious!
yes, i think i'm finally going mad. in need of cash, in need of family love, in need of a life. sick of school.
koped from nadia's site, this horoscope is kinda accurate for me, phuong and jhalley, horribly wrong for martin (says he's the save e earth kinda guy...!!), i'm not sure abt nadia but she insists it is...
ranted on Friday, January 23, 2004 at 04:43 p.m.
happy chinese new year!
what a nice unexpected dinner time! =) my teacher mentor invited all the girls to her house, but in the end only i went. still, it was great fun, we had steamboat grill thingy like seoul garden, but only nicer coz we had scallops, prawns, balls, chicken, pork, salmon, and that yummy fish i duno wat. aahhhh. and then we ate tiny mandarins, bak kua, drank sour plum juice, jia jia liang char, and tapioca! and finally i got banana cake to bring back for supper! also, ms neo gave me her apartment key, exciting!!!! AND i got a $10 angpao, how nice! i really love ms neo, she's the best teacher mentor in the world... sighs :) just hope tmr everything ends up ok and that its a happy new year. i hope no surprises for martin so i can ahve a nice time with him.
ranted on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 at 11:43 p.m.
a happy + sad post in one
happy chinese new year every1! i realised that i really treasure all the friends that i have made in a52 and tsd, because you guys are truly a bunch of wonderfully great and real friends. especially dear crystal, thanks 4 going to the bookshop to buy me mamee when i was sick today, although i know u hate going by yourself, i love you dear! and even more so for inviting me home, i feel very very loved!! hehe =) and von for just immediately buying me h2o when i got that horrible headache. you're the best, jie jie. hehe =) and to charm n sue for helping me print, i always knew u guys had a crush on me. hehe *muacks* and nigel's such a darling bought and carried 2 bowls of porridge one for me and one for him! yay! i feel really loved today.. esp coz every1 said they would bring me food and all from new year... ahh. i think my new year won't be sad if i think of all of you dear folks. and huanling's secret. hehehhe.
WELLL. i feel better now, yes, i should sleep now, but i'm rushing my journal overview to show the teachers, yes? tomorrow i'll have a slot with ehsan, because my boy is busy. i hate complaining about his time, but sometimes i get quite hurt because im not sure if he really is busy or whether he just says he's busy to rid of me. do u think? argh. i shouldn't think negatively, after all, if u love u trust. i just wish we had more time, i mean, i thought i would be busy, but he can't even find the time, so i can't even plan around him. i just don't know how bad things can get.. i'd hate it if i had a birthday and martin couldn't meet me- which happened to poor jasmine and adrian. i can just pray and hope things get better.
and my dear aubrey: thank you! i wish u could come down, i wanted to tell u my story but i'll do it soon :) i miss u dearie and have faith n believe in me coz i sure dont believe in myself for now. too dangerous, too difficult, i'm afraid i'll lose to the piece, rather than it to me. blah.
ranted on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 at 12:47 a.m.
the space spore at my fotopage!
ranted on Sunday, January 18, 2004 at 11:56 p.m.
im sick of tsd.
aubrey, what you said is right, although you werent the shocker, but i somehow have been thinking about these the whole day... and since you told me that, i wanted to share this. i was obsessed with pleasing the teachers with what they thought suited me, chekhov, shakespeare, greek... when i didn't feel for these pieces. i should be doing something i love, that's why i'm in tsd! what has happened to me? i guess that's why ive been feeling all down and pissed off, yasmin, if you really wanted to know. fezhah gave me the shock that made me see the truth. its your piece. not theirs. she's right. this is not the feisty bitchy confident rachel. this is a mellowed loserly person i've become. i forgot that theatre is passion. so when did i move away from myself and turn into this person that's unsure, tready and cautious. so now i know its the wrong approach. and i know i can get up and try again. there's still time. i hope when i find this piece out there waiting for me, together we can shine together. yay i love smart ppl who make me think hehe. sorry aubrey. i hope i didnt make u give up on me.
but math s also stresses me. it aint all that easy, that's for sure. but for once, almerick said the most comforting thing to me. i will carry on and work hard once i get my tsd settled. one thing's for sure. i cannot break down.
group group group. a musical is so difficult. i hope u see that. i want us to be a serious working group during group slot. don't waste time. after that we can talk. during breaks we can laugh. we can even laugh during slots. we can be a happy group working, not slacking. i worry because i want to tell you that i know, from experience, that a musical is not so simple. its not just blocking and learn the songs. there's a lot to encompass. a lot to get there. what i am saying, i hope u understand.
ranted on Thursday, January 15, 2004 at 07:36 p.m.
it seems like someone doesn't like me, i have hatemail on my tagboard! erm, if u don't like me u should tell me 2 my face, i'll be glad to let you say those nice words to my face. :) thanks btw, it makes me feel special that someone is thinking of me! btw, the next time leave ur name so i know who thinks so highly of me to be able to be a wanker and a cunt and a clown!
ranted on Sunday, January 11, 2004 at 09:57 p.m.
i need YOUR help
ACTIVITY AND HELP:: give a piece of vote over that at the tag: u don't have to know what i'm talking about, but just put the word u like most: either beckett, pinter, strindberg, chekhov or shakespeare (pls no i hate him). (Read below to understand my dilemma)
hello all
waaah i have been so stressed lar! coming back to school was a real culture shock for me, including my holiday homework i've been real bogged down by work work work. i have horrific eyebags, my skin looks disgusting, my eyes have lost its shine. yes. i am a depressed person because i can't get my hands on a monologue. i have decided i do not want to do cyrano de bergerac anymore. i feel uncertain about the role- not much to portray? albert feels that i can try my hands on absurd because i have a voice that "comes back". meaning when i stop, ppl know that i might have something else to say. that said i know i can do chekhov or ibsen, but i need a change. not any melodrama crying schizophrenic ones, thank you very much. currently i am considering harold pinter and some tragic pieces (by strindberg the mad man) albert found for me, one of a young mum who has lost her daughter. i feel that i shouldn't be doing pieces of women my age, coz i know that my look is matureeeee and my voice basically... is.... not girly lar, when i use my diaphragm. so i'm stuck. i know that i'm picky, but ppl would know that i am such a perfectionist i want to pick the right piece. yes. yes. yes. please. help me? albert suggests beckett as well. not too keen. but he says that since i'm a good actor (he complimented me!!) i should try him because the movements are minimal and focus on the face. not a bad idea. i'm intrigued. basically, i'm torn by the many options and curious by the closed doors. what i don't want to be is a stereotypecast by the teachers.
as you can probably see, i am very distressed by my acting exam. that's all i can think of now, i've been catching up on the math homework, vectors are annoying. i hate them. math S is superbly interesting but extremely difficult. my class is wonderful, and my junior class aint all that bad either. in fact, i like my SECRET PAL! finally, a guy. and martin is a love. martin is a yummy huneyfied love.
ranted on Sunday, January 11, 2004 at 06:09 p.m.
URGENT BIG QN: DO WE HAVE HOMEWORK????
ranted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 at 04:55 p.m.
happy new year!
with that said, i had a very nice LOTR the return of the king experience yesterday that left me rooting for my darling eagles (my FAV bird), dearest sam, yummilicious aragorn, and liv tyler looks absolutely fragile. ahhh.
i guess i wanna say something i shouldn't have done this year. overspent. this year i have spent too much money and now i regret every little penny of it. next year i shall strive not to do so. i can hope, can't i?
new years resolution is also to get off my bum and start realising how impt my As are, try to study hard and get some good prospects for my future. i'm only now starting to realise that it doesn't mean that studying in uni and being really smart educationally guarantees success in the future. it doesn't. shit.
i will spend more time with loved ones. thank you for a great year: classmates- A52 n TSD ROCKS!; my hangout buddies- charm huan sue von fatma crys yas, thanks for 'pleasuring' me, haha; the best friends in the world fareena atiqah tassha huda saiy and of course, my one and only NADIA and!!! WEYLING. love you; mustn't forget my darling hostel ppl who keep me alive- shili phuong lili my bridge kakis, ngee shin yuyun n siewsze. and my rib lovers- zee lian chingchui shingy sabrina kl n heidi. ahhhhh. and my darling martin stevenson ngan yu who never fails to color up my day BLUE RED YELLOW GREEN ORANGE PINK PURPLE WHITE BLACK.
and a better relationship with my family. thank you Lord for my daddy, my mummy and becky lim! haha!
too much mushiness for the day now...... see you tmr darlings!
ranted on Wednesday, December 31, 2003 at 12:03 p.m.
tsd
guess who's my tsd IS partner? bryna! for better or for worse, i'm really looking forward to it! i'm thinking, this will be an interesting year, and i know i'm gonna be a changed person... ey?
btw, this is worth a read. laughed till my tummy ached. ;)
ranted on Sunday, December 28, 2003 at 11:26 p.m.
3- day road trip
road trip pics
first up, we decided not to go up to Thailand, so i'm sorry, charm, couldn't get those sandals, saw them @ rm16.90 per pair, i guess u won't want them then..
24th Dec
Drove down to Taiping, Perak first to visit my grandmother in the nursing home, she's doing pretty fine, kept asking us to bring her to Penang, ack. she asked me where my BROTHER was too.. anywy to cut that story short, my dad decided it was time for me to take over the gear. driving is damn fun!! ho ho ho i swerved here and there my dad looked terrified, i swear. then to turn in my granddad's place, there's this dangerous turning and as i did so, another car came from the opp direction and nearly hit me! luckily and managed to brake in time. my dad said his life got cut short by 10 years. mwuahahaha! ok, from there my dad drove up to penang, we got on the ferry and was our way to GEORGE TOWN to stay for the night. got a place at city bayview for the night, so we headed down gurney drive to this seafood place along gurney drive for dinner! had lobsters, fish, LALA (yum) then went down KOMTAR which is supposed 2 be a tallest mall but its really quite ulu and weird... penang is quite boring only the food is good so we went back to rest lar, prepare for the next day! ferry ride at 830am...
25th Dec
MERRY XMAS!! took the ferry to langkawi, cars aren't allowed in.. so we left the car in the hotel carpark. the ride took about 2hours, we arrived there to people offering cars for rent, its real cheap, a kia for $100 per day! yup so we had to drive to CENANG BEACH which is at the end of the island and where the heavenly beach is. dad had already booked a hotel in sherwood resort, its quite ok, but the city is more fun. drove around town and found all the duty free places for chocolates and kitchen appliances, real cheap there! and good quality, coz langkawi's a duty free island! yup.. then had malay food for lunch, ooh yum! then we went back and decided to enjoy the lovely beach and wait till sunset.. the sand in langkawi is truly fine and white... and the water is clean! well the area's only been slowly commercialised around 5 years ago so everything is still quite basic, alot of the old kampungs and roads still exist. the way of life is still fairly simple too! the sunset was lovely as well, no hint of any pollution, unlike KL's sunset. hehhe. beautiful is what it is. *sigh* i caught a starfish (i know i'm amazing!) but let it go in the end, quite silly but daddy sis and i played with hermit crabs that hide in shells, played in the water and all, real fun! finally we ate crabs, prawns, deer and sotong for dinner.. aahhhh... oh yeah before i forget i got to drive around from the city ;)
26th Dec
After breakfast we drove down to the Anna and the King set which is quite pretty.. took some pics then went back to the hotel to pack coz we had to return the car at 12! after checking out, we went to get some souvenirs and explore around the area first.. but not much time lar. then we decided to rough it and walk to the complex for lunch before checking out the shops at the langkawi mall. not bad u know, prices are quite cheap too! except... the swimwear.. wahh... 200++ per suit, even the plain ones! what to do, essential items lar... yup. so then we got more stuff, and finally went to the jetty back to penang. phew. this time we took the penang bridge, the longest bridge in asia, haha! back to kl... all the way.. and then i slept till 4pm the next day..
thats it!
ranted on Sunday, December 28, 2003 at 01:47 a.m.
holiday
There is always a certain period of the year where my mother decides the world is against her, and decides to fight against just that. and nearly always, it would be
really near to that holiday we'd planned, or a rail against something my dad/me/sister did that she thinks its wrong. *sigh* This time its the holiday, surprise, surprise. First we wanted to go to Thailand by tour, which my mum absolutely loathed and made a point to say so. So we decided we'd take a slow drive down instead and go past Perak to visit the relatives, Langkawi for the beach, Penang for some shopping before heading up to Thailand by car. Then my mum was a bit satiated. Today she decided she doesn't want to go at all. What do we do? The hotel is booked, the plans have been made, the 'much awaited holiday' is just sitting there in the dumps, calling out and we. have. no. frigging. idea. what we should do now. i love my mum, but i hate her moods. (dad's calling now) Aite. we are going to go without her. its no surprise, really, its just another one of those, my-mum-did-it-again soap stories that we're all oh so familiar now. but it hurts because i had really hoped it would be a good family outing. i am sick of my mother pulling out of us at the last minute and making it seem like it is our fault. coz it really isnt and i wish she would grow up. see all of you when i get back from a trip that doesn't look too promising then...
ranted on Tuesday, December 23, 2003 at 09:18 p.m.
alert
new photoentry!
FOOD from my uncle's jap place!
There's something wrong with my msn, i sign in but i can't stay signed in. If you desperately miss me or urgently need to convey your love for me, there's always the TAG at the side, or icq me *winks* 12934310. Till then, enjoy the FOOD FEAST!
ranted on Sunday, December 21, 2003 at 05:45 p.m.
u know u wanna read this
1. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? now? 10am, i have to teach the 2 brats.. ;)
2. IF YOU COULD EAT LUNCH WITH ONE FAMOUS PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE? erm, either josh hartnett *swoon* or ms gorgeous babe JLH!! heh.
3. GOLD OR SILVER? silver's purtier!
4. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? last samurai!! its really nice n tom cruise *swoon again* hehe
5. FAVOURITE TV SHOW? are you hot. is there any doubt there??? excuse me i need to close my mouth n wipe the drool (fine, i know i'm shallow)
6. WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? nasi lemak! or indian food, or sausages n ham.. yum
7. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE LEFT IN A ROOM WITH? ooh darling, my baby lar...!
8. CAN YOU TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR TONGUE? i wish.
9.WHAT INSPIRES YOU? good plays. books. friends. God.
10. WHAT'S YOUR MIDDLE NAME? sim ping (peaceful heart, haha!)
11. BEACH, CITY, OR COUNTRY? draw betw city n beach, but i think city wins.... coz of the shopping ;)
12.SUMMER OR WINTER? summer.. i dont really like winter that much coz my body falls sick then
13. YUM? mmmmmmmmm. thank you =)
14. BUTTERED, PLAIN, OR SALTED POPCORN? buttered! prefer caramel though..
15. FAVOURITE CAR? VOLKSWAGEN beetle, yellow!!!!! gimme!!!
16. FAVOURITE SANDWICH FILLING? egg+tuna+bacon bits yum
17. FAVOURITE TYPE OF MUSIC? enrique (haha nad =P), rock love songs (bon jovi, staind, 3doors down, etc), alternative rock (coldplay, travis, etc).. erm, n faye wong
19. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? backstabbers, hypocrites, and liars, and i hate most of all people who pretend they dont study.. seems to b a certain country's favourite pastime ;) (Sorry dears!)
FAVOURITE FLOWER? the beautiful sunflower!! i used to do silly things for this flower.. i even used to think these flowers determined the way we should live... heh
21. IF YOU HAD A BIG WIN IN THE LOTTERY, HOW LONG WOULD YOU WAIT TO SPEND
ALL? r u kidding? i'll spend it immediately!
21. DO YOU WEAR PYJAMAS? yup, sometimes, if im not too lazy to find em
23. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? dark "boring" brown.. wish they were grey, or green, or blue (altho that'll look weird on me eh)
24. HOW MANY KEYS DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR KEY RING? 2. one door key, one drawer key
25.WHERE DO YOU LIKE TO RETIRE? somewhere private with loads of facilities, and no worries!
6. CAN YOU JUGGLE? erm, does only 3 things count? ;)
27. WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE DAY OF THE WEEK? saturday's curfew is 11, no sch! n the day my darlin is normally free..
28. RED OR WHITE WINE? red. white is a bit choking
29. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY? somebody sweet gave me a surprise! and then my wonderful VH ppl gave me another one! :)
30. DO YOU CARRY A DONOR CARD? heh *blush* nope
31.WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? les miserable
32. FAVOURITE BOARD GAME? monopoly! hah i'm money minded and a win freak!
33. Fav. Magazine? cleo, except when it features britney!
34. FAV. SMELL? moonflower, martin's smell :)
35. COMFORT FOOD? someone yummy
36.FAVOURITE SOUND? somebody talking, coldplay's sooth, basically my own voice as well =)
7. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? alone n unloved...
38. WHAT'S THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? NOW: shit. late to teach tuition. SCHOOL TIME: shit. school.
39.FAVOURITE FAST FOOD PLACE? long johns!! yummy.. i miss the times when me n nad used 2 go almost every day.. *sniff* now martin has to put up with my LJS craves heh.
40. COMPLETE THIS STATEMENT. "IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY, it would be gone in no time at all... but spent on myself and my loved ones!
43. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? hee hee, martin's tatty!
44. STORMS, COOL OR SCARY? i am a brave and unafraid person! fear not!
47. FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME, i wouldn't tell you coz i like to think i dont have the time!
48. DO YOU EAT STEMS OF BROCCOLI? yup. love broccoli. heheh
49. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE? pink looks horrible on me!! so prob dark red. i'm not gonna go ard looking like a golden monkey!
50. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? erm, err.....
ranted on Sunday, December 21, 2003 at 12:07 p.m.
the teardrop with a dolphin
tidbit of the day- check out the fotoentry
I was lying in my bed when i caught sight of something on my shelf. it used to be a glass teardrop with a beautiful jade colored dolphin statue inside. staring at it for awhile, i knew that this was a present that i treasured a lot: i remember elation that came with the gift, the mystery of unveiling it, a tinge of pride that I was selected for that special gift, and yet most of all sadness when the glass broke, leaving the dolphins in my hands. but try as i could, i couldn't remember
who was the one who had given me the treasure. i never thought i would come to this day when i would forget the giver of such a beautiful gift- one that i had vowed to keep with me forever. now it is left on the shelf, not hidden, but certainly not prominent. i am saddened by my own lack of commitment to remember. i cannot remember my 5th birthday. i cannot remember the 'happiest' day spent with martin. i cannot remember the last time i quarrelled with nadia. i cannot remember the previous bbq a52 had. i cannot remember that trip with my pri school friends. i cannot remember the last time my best friends and i went out, all 6 of us, nadia, fareena, atiqah, huda, tassha, me. i cannot remember you, you who used to make me think that i was special. when did u leave me? how did u make me feel that way? why did u give me this present? what happened?
i never thought i would forget you.
ranted on Friday, December 19, 2003 at 04:39 p.m.
elijah and mount carmel
new photo entry!
I shall inform all of you each time i blog in my photopage and you must go and look!! hehe =)
thanks charm, sue, nad, nicole, my sister and everyone for the vote of confidence, I PASSED!! hoho, thankfully. i nearly cried when i reached the slope coz my car wheel was right in the middle, and i ignored the fact that everyone would probably be looking at my loud engine when i did my balancing. phew!!! but i know that most of all I have to thank the Lord, for reminding me that He is there with me.
last night my sister suddenly told me to read the bible- i'm really lazy and i guess my walk with God is.. barely there. but HER telling me that must mean something, so before i went to bed, i remembered the bible and prayed for a word for me. i opened the bible to I Kings, and Elijah's victory in Mount Carmel over the Baal prophets. It was about how Elijah needed to prove to the people that God is the one and only God, and the other idols were well, useless, so he told everyone to go to Mount Carmel, and got the Baal prophets to let their gods create a fire for a sacrifice, and if they couldn't, his God could.. so the prophets sang and prayed and begged and chanted... but nothing happened. Elijah then rearranged the altar, and God sent His fire down.
isn't it wonderful how God reminds and proves to me, one who is doubtful and cynical towards His word, that He is Lord? i think the passage strengthened my faith in Him again, especially when i have being feeling let down and backsliden in my faith. failure after failure to achieve my goals (not about the driving exam!) has made me bitter and unbelieving. cold and harsh towards Him. doubtful that He exists. scornful that He will not help me. but i am wrong, and i am happy to be.
when i continued reading, Elijah had fled when he knew that Jezebel was out to kill him.. he was afraid and wanted to run away and give up on everything, but God brought him back, told him to carry out his duties, and not to be afraid, because He is OUR GOD. Yes, with this spirit i went into the test circuit and prayed throughout my test that i would bring him Glory in carrying my task out well. =)
ranted on Thursday, December 18, 2003 at 03:40 p.m.
alert
dear all,
tomorrow's the exam. weirdly i'm not nervous yet, and i'm not sure if that's a good thing OR a bad one... the first time i was scared shitness, i nearly peed in my pants and i couldn't even walk properly, heh. this time, i'm strangely too calm. now i worry that reality will hit me in the head all too late.
WISH me LUCK
ranted on Wednesday, December 17, 2003 at 04:03 p.m.
new layout babes!
this is a simple layout and i'm happy it is.
i feel it somehow depicts my serenity and calmness to be home.
=) the black & white
pictures are taken from my comfort area. tatty bears are a way
of my
present, the eeyore a
past, the cow lamp
friendship,
and my scattered table
myself. animation is used as
signifying
life - here
is where real life moving pictures surround me.
please check and see if you're linked at the [mates] section and if you're not but u want to be, please tell me ok? also see if its correct! i did this last night, i'm so sick of the old one! hehe.
btw, i want to share a song that i really really like, the lyrics are meaningful, and it melts my heart...
You ask me if I love you,
and I choke on my reply,
I'd rather hurt you honestly,
then mislead you with a lie
and who am I to judge you,
on what you say or do
I'm only just beginning to see the real you
Sometimes when we touch,
the honesty's too much
and I have to close my eyes and hide,
I wanna hold you till I die,
till we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you until the fear in me subsides
Romance and all its' strategies,
leaves me battling with my pride
but through the insecurity some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer,
still trapped within my truth
a hesitant prize fighter,
still trapped within my youth
At times I'd like to break you,
and drive your knees
At times I'd like to break through,
and hold you endlessly
lovely isn't it? enrique iglesias, but he's not the original singer. anyone knows? *sniff*
ranted on Tuesday, December 16, 2003 at 06:30 p.m.
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