Tuesday, October 7, 2003

a worn out entry :: 10:18 p.m.

exams suck. i am so absolutely tired and drained, coz i can't sleep at night.. i end up waking in the middle of the night to read through the notes that i have been reading over and over again.. probably a million times, yet i still cant let go of it.

thank god econs is over. it is my scariest paper.. hah.

my head really hurts now. been sleeping non-stop, and now when i went to watch holland v and baby boom (courtesy of von and charm who keep talking abt it, so i decided to check it out) i got a major headache. eughhhh.

Sunday, October 5, 2003

 :: 11:09 p.m.

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE! :) too tired to post.. wheeeeums.

Saturday, October 4, 2003

NADIA SEXY BABE! :: 10:29 p.m.

shoutout to my darling NADIA!!! girl, pull yourself together and wake out of depression. its SO NOT YOU babe!! LOVE YOU LOTS GIRL *muacks*

Friday, October 3, 2003

bitchy mood :: 11:42 p.m.

Just watched the ford supermodel competition/singapore and singapore brainiest kid. Felt really sad after watching both shows, and I think it was because I felt that they were self-parodies. don't get me wrong, i felt that the 1st and 2nd place in the model comp really deserved to win, and the "brainiest kid" really wowed me with his ability to remember. But perhaps a tinge of pensiveness.. for the way mankind has to put a barrier, a standard, a RANK, for everything in this world. sad, ain't it? and why is there a need to prove ourselves? why can't/ or shouldn't we be contented with what our innate gifts, and isn't that enough? I suppose these thoughts have been linked to how I realise I dislike how ppl dress up to show off. I may be talking abt ppl who overdress (err).. but generally, it saddens me that we are all so VAIN. I am, too, and that's probably one of my greatest sins. Grar.

and suddenly I feel that I want to thank God for giving me my brains, my body, my face, my eyes, my mouth, my hands and feet, my talents.. and I want to tell Him that I am sorry for always condemning myself, because I am not perfect.. But to praise Him instead for creating me in such a way that I am unique. And I should be uniquely happy because of that. :)

YAY! yes, you must all love yourselves, but we mustn't mustn't be vain!!
**restrains self from throwing abuses at someone. hah!

 :: 05:02 p.m.

hmmm. Martin's an aquarius... I didn't think i'd get Aquariuses, coz Tauruses never get Aquariuses.. wrong planets or sth.. and characters.. maybe this is a wrong quiz.....

You should be dating an Aquarius.

20 January - 18 February

Your mate is communicative, thoughtful and caring.
Though he/she can be tactless and rude and
sometimes self-interested, he/she enjoys the
intellectual experience of sex.

What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

for aubrey :) :: 12:19 a.m.

my dear aubrey.. in my little sec 1 heart that never changed, you have never stopping being interesting :) and i'll always care for you la you silly cow ;P hope to talk to you soon after my exams yeah? hang in there.

my last rant! promises* :: 12:05 a.m.

shit. had meeting with the MOE officers. reminding us about the tragedies of having a conditional renewal (i.e. i might not get my scholarship). great. its wonderful to know the scary consequences of my possibility of failing lit.. or econs.. or... ack! ok i shall not be pessimistic.. my posts are getting more and more self- absorbed, its disgusting!

hah. anyways i read through my DNF today, forcing myself to see beyond my distaste for the book.. took me a whole day though, coz i fell asleep between readings, and sometimes i'd stop and think about it.. for a real long while, eat, mess around, and go back to it. yas is right, my lit sense should come to me, i shouldn't be forcing it out.... yup.. i should stop obsessing over stupid lit and focus on more important issues... LIKE ECONS. i will!! :)

martin is going into his chem battlefield tomorrow *twiddles finger*

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

i hate lit :: 09:05 p.m.

The internet is getting lonelier and lonelier. i see less and less of everyone and it so depresses me. My online time is getting shorter and shorter. Hah! maybe its a sign for me to stop. yes, to fully concentrate on my promos? but i cannot resist the temptations of my wonderful internet.... *sniff*

oh yes. studied my much ado about nothing because i talked to albert today. feel a bit enlightened, coz i'm starting to piece my knowledge of much ado together, something that i've never done before. find benedick more and more endearing, and maybe it isn't a bad name at all... funny too how you can get benedictus and benedictine out of it.. shakespeares a bloody genius and i wish i had half his talent.. then i won't be taking my bloody As, i'll be earning my millions.. hahahaah!! :)

had a nice talk with adel about her sentiments about language.. started because i was reading ck's essay and i was upset because when you think about how well you could do for lit without EFFORT, bloody hell, and compare it to how i feel my grasp of the language is slowly deteriorating.... and mel was saying that she was upset tt her grades are constant and 19/30.. and 2 of us were like, whoa. (we both have been deproving... :<) i mean, i wish i could be constant THERE. then i wouldn't worry. ppl still dont understand how my family behaves. i cannot show my mother a grade of 15. she wouldn't understand. the thing is not that i want to be petty, but because of my mother's expectation. if i do badly for my lit again, my holidays are gone. i'd be miserable coz my mum would be on my back throughout the hols. i asked her already about dropping lit... no go. shit. and now im trying.. but it doesn't seem to want to go anywhere. i've just lost my lit instincts. god. replaced with math. isn't that horrible? yuckyuckyuck.

then again. i shouldn't complain because i do well overall. but it hurts when harris returns you the essay that says: there is an art, isn't there, to convey the whole of the book in 500 - 600 words, but you haven't achieved it.

Right. you think i don't know that? you think i don't struggle with my fucking essay? the only reason why i dont want to attend your class is because the whole novel depresses me. not knowing how to write the bloody thing. to put my INCOMPETENT thoughts into words. as if i didn't care. fuck you. and when i told you today that i found my essay, and you said with such sincerity, oh thats good, i was feeling bad for shooing you away... bla bla bla.. i couldn't feel it. i couldn't bloody see you feeling bad. you make me hate the subject i once loved so damn much. why?

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

 :: 09:33 p.m.

and Yes. must say sorry to charm yas and crys for being really bitchy and angry before and during maths lec... i was really really upset about the cards... coz i remember giving them out and............ GRRR. anyways i bought em new cards... $2ea!! rnfkghdhrgr.

exam busted :: 09:30 p.m.

i've finally figured out complex numbers and its one of the most fun topics in the world of c maths after all. ok, i know this sounds REALLY nerdy, but it feels good understanding math, because it makes you feel kinda smart.. hee hee. i remember NEVER understanding nuts for maths in sec 3! just one bloody word -- thanks to mrs ngliao. whack.

have no idea why but i'm really paranoid about the promos. thing is that i'm freaked by lit being the day before econs, coz i'm a last min lit person, and i'm worried about not remember my econs stuff after lit. esp coz its a bloody afternoon paper. school mechanism just sucks. grar. all the sci ppl get one sub per day. why us? shit lar.

Monday, September 29, 2003

school! :: 03:43 p.m.

well school's amazing! seems like we'll be off school from thursday onwards. wheee-ness! wonderful mrs chan!! i'm super happy now. then! i don't have to worry about attending school for awhile for my attendance taking. hee hee. i swear! vj is just the best study environment ever! i love being with my class.. there's this wonderful class atmosphere of studying together which i just canot comprehend.. reminds me of boarding with hui lian and zee.. :) when we used to study together in the study room during prelims period. that's how i had the energy, the drive to work at my exams. otherwise i'd prob be in somewhere else.. slacking my butt off and screwing my jc up. of course sometimes i wish martin was here with me, esp during the exam times coz i find it so much more conducive to study him.. i mean, to study with him around.. but garrrarar. nvm.

Sunday, September 28, 2003

 :: 09:48 p.m.

suddenly paranoid of who might be reading this blog, and how much i actually want people who know the ME outside inside as well. i have never been worried about my words, but more of the truthfulness of my feelings. i think i will have my private diary, and i will leave snippets on this blog. now you wouldn't worry about it, would you? if you think you can handle knowing a lot more about me, then mail me or leave a tag for the password. i would give it to you, only if you respect what you read about me. otherwise, this blog will bring in the slighter on-the-surface parts. :) cheerios ppl!

 :: 04:40 p.m.

back from church. studied loadsa stuff on the bus from the way back from buena vista. met my darling, and we had lunch. very happy. time was short, but fulfilling... :) shall not talk about it here. wheeee!!!

the time spent with you today was short, but wonderful-lest. its times like this when i wanna tell you that this is how i always dream about us. i'm happy if you just smile at me, or hold my hand. i'm happy like this and i want you to know that i love you so much.

i wish we had more time to ourselves. things are just so messed up and we have so much to do, but i'm just waiting till its all over, and you're mine, once again. and then i can get all the love and hugs and kissies and smile and martinness that i need!

p.s. just read this really cute card thingy:
don't wanna bug ya just wanna hug ya
and just give you an itty bitty smile coz i love ya
im here you're there
now you know that i care about you!
because....
don't wanna bug ya just wanna hug ya..
(goes on and on ;P)
---- thanks nad, love ya.

your smile :: 04:22 p.m.

saw your lovely face
i didn't know what to say
baby ive been missing you
all this time
can you smile for me? / i can see me / in you / right there / and my heart will skip for you / & i will wait / my heart cannot lie /
this time i know
you love me.

Saturday, September 27, 2003

 :: 08:49 p.m.

Victoria's THIRD!! :) yay!

having three hours of maths with a teacher tt doesn't really know how to explain to us is really, really bad. i kinda feel sorry for her because she looked sadder than we were. haha! hope we all do well. anyways i was so tired i slept when i came back, just woke up. hah! :)

one month away from being with my darl for two years!

Friday, September 26, 2003

 :: 10:53 p.m.

well i suppose i would be a really scary TSD senior next year then... hee hee hee

obsessive compulsive

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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 :: 10:29 p.m.

im here without you baby
but ur still on my lonely mind

i hate being alone in the room. feel so claustophobic. i miss you. miss you miss you. are you sleeping? i took a really long nap, from 5 all the way up to 9.30. keeps me company, my sleep. makes me forget that i'm alone now, with my comforter for company and no. no. no. you.

im here without you baby
what an appropriate song on the radio, it leaves me in this mood. bah. and tonight girl, its only you and me.....

 :: 04:42 p.m.

the feeling of someone you love a lot being too busy for you is so sad. there's so much to tell you and no channel to. every little time is so little and i cant grasp everything. i miss you and wish time didn't pass so fast. i hate you, stupid old time that doesn't let me take what i need. i feel like crying. somebody help me soon before i fall again.

Thursday, September 25, 2003

 :: 06:02 p.m.

dear, i miss hearing about you, will you please blog soon. *tweedles*

I-dle :: 05:31 p.m.

Feeling pretty good now, messaging martin. i took a walk back today, it felt really soothing, and the weather was nice. so i thought about school today - or rather the lack of it, since i skipped 2 lectures, thus having 8 period breaks :) - and i realised tt i had a pretty good time. w lynn lennie charm yassie mosey!! yes!! hmm. hope there's more fun sessions coming soon coz its a great way to destress. i got my BIG P, and i've got the worst cramps ever. heh. painful now, yeowch!! hate this part of the month. yuckyuckyuck. BAHHHHH. and i realised tt my math isn't as great as it may have been for awhile. need to work on it, i suppose, but i don't have enough time! i have econs and tsd and LIT. i realy dread lit. i just don't know why. i used to LOVE THRIVE on it, but i just can't see myself doing well! no matter what i do. ah well. its always, use the language, use the language! well bloody hell i know i have to use it, but HOW??????? am i fated to not know? i regret every single boastful sentence i have ever made in my stupid secondary school life about being good in lit. EVER. i am a lit disaster. i am SURE harris laughs at me every time i speak. argh.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

bah. :: 07:37 p.m.

I am thinking about 2 things now...

1. when its over, thats the time i fall in love again.... and when u go, go, go, go, i know, it never ends, never ends....

2. my friendships. i feel like a lousy friend. i mean, i keep complaining tt yu ran doesn't love me anymore, but is it his fault or mine?? like lalang n fez, yas is waay closer to them than i am. i miss nadia, but i don't call her. i hardly talk to jas, and yas just told me tt she reads my blog. i miss her so much, and i always ask yas abt her, but why don't i ask her directly? i love my best friends, but i never plan meetings unless something impt crops up. its me. i'm a horrible horrible friend. i live in the present and i forget the ppl that created the existance of my very present. i should just shoot myself. BAH.
ok, i should do sth. no use complaining.

TSD :: 07:13 p.m.

oh my goodness, i just realised tt i put my age as '19'... hahahah i must have been thinking about martin then.. yuck ;P well i didn't blog yesterday because i was in a bad mood, and then i fought with my roomie over the radio station she was playing because i was in a bad mood and i just felt like fighting. eouw. feel quite bad for her. good thing i gave her chocolate. hope she remembers tt and doesn't hate me!! :( after tt she left the room and i felt so lonely. i think i was feeling lonely, tts why i was upset. i talked to martin on the phone and he was so far away, i mean, literally, coz i could tell he was worried for the exams already and i couldn't be there, physically, to cheer him up. weeeeks. hate stuff like tt when it happens.

i guess i felt a lot better because i woke up at 11 today!!! :) was really good coz i got to rest and then go to school, FOR THE CLEANUP. for some of those ppl who never ever go for cleanup, i kinda know who you are, and i don't forget. i'm very petty about details like tt because i thrive on fairness. wahaha! got a very pissed off face during the meeting we had because i just couldn't stand it! why were WE, who were ALWAYS PRESENT, getting the blames? i just didn't understand it. it always upsets me. in the end i sat on the floor and decided to shut up. haha!

still, the room is so much cleaner now and i'm really happy because i went out with mosey lynn yas n lennie. the last 2 are getting closer and closer, and i'm just wondering...........................

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

a late entry :: 01:40 a.m.

well i'm not so angry now. did my acting conventions of my tsd essay. feel quite proud coz it sounds smart for once. just hope the teachers like this change and i'll maintain my normal grades :P AND dont wanna miss a thing by aerosmith is playing on e radio now, whee!! well i finally found out about the song i really liked and held me up (i sang along to it like a doggie) when i was down.. reminds me of myself then.. :)

3 doors down - HERE WITHOUT YOU
A hundred days has made me older
since the last time that i saw your pretty face
a thousand lights had made me colder
and i don't think i can look at this the same
and all the miles had seperate
they disapeared now when i'm dreaming of your face

Im here without you baby
but you're still on my lonely mind
i think about you baby
and i dream about you all the time
i'm here without you baby
but youre still with me in my dreams
and tonight, it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
i hear this life is overrated
but i hope that it gets better as we go

Everything I know
and anywhere i go
it gets hard but it won't take away my love
and when the last one falls
when it's all said and done
it gets hard but it won't take away my love

feeling like i can feel like this forever. happy and i love you.

Monday, September 22, 2003

 :: 09:19 p.m.

shit lar. read sue's blog. i feel really really bad for her. what the hell is going on in the world today? why do ppl have perversed desires to 1. flash disgusting body parts 2. walk in ppl's room to steal money 3. take wallets they see on the bus and NOT RETURN IMMEDIATELY??? i hate all this.

bad day :: 08:59 p.m.

well, this will be the final stroke of bad luck this week since last monday. last monday was my temporal break up and today is my realisation of my loss of money from my wallet, presumably last night when someone DISGUSTING slipped in my room UNDISCOVERED and LET HERSELF to my remaining allowance for the week. Well done rachel. you be so careful the whole time, the whole fucking 4 years, only to lose 4 wallets, 1 camera and you let a friggin thief in your room, all during your most tight, stressful budget making time. i'm impressed. i'm feeling really angry with myself because i cannot believe what i have been doing this whole year. i never was a klutz, really. ask anyone and its my best friend nadia who loses stuff. but why is this happening to me now? could it be retribution? i bitched like crazy last night. lost my money today. great. i don't know, but i feel tt there's some far greater force out there controlling this. but i'm very sure tt its not God. He doesn't put bad things on us. its just tt things happen due to the consequences of our actions. what have i done? what have i done that no one else has done? WHAT IS IT? feeling v stressed now because i cant tell my mum the truth, tt i'm out of cash. martin's so sweet coz he tries to make me feel better, but really, i feel like a useless piece of junk. and something in maths has finally gotten to me. complex numbers. why why why did i skip all the lectures? i don't know what is going on now!! i can't do these stuff by myself, can i?

i miss you daddy, i wish i could come and look for you now. in times like this you're the only one i can turn to, and you're so far away. no longer a phone call. come home soon. 4 more wks and counting.

 :: 12:31 a.m.

well, its our senior NIRWAN's birthday today! go everyone and wish him a happy birthday so that he can feel popular for the day! haha!

Sunday, September 21, 2003

happiest day of my life currently :: 10:19 p.m.

well things turned out amazingly. :)

it started on wednesday morning, he msged me and said tt he felt that he had made a mistake. i didnt know how to react to such a thing becoz i didnt know if it was impulsiveness, or really, he regretted what had happened. and i felt i needed some time to myself to readjust my life, think about him and what i want. plus, i already told him tt i just didnt wanna play around with stuff like this.

well my days went by, and though things started to get better, i knew that we did something wrong. that what had happened wasn't right. and what charm said if we loved each other we shouldnt. and how sue said there's always hope. and i prayed to God to make me feel better. i prayed in the evening, and i decided to msg him at night. i felt that i was finally doing something right. i told him how i felt about what we did and how stupid i thought it was and if he felt the same way as me......... and i'm glad i put down my pride and all those stupid things i said and the big fake i'm-so-grown-up-i-don't-need-you facade. because i do love him so much and i do want to be with him so much that it hurt. (my biggest lesson learnt)

since my mood has greatly changed my layout shall also change because i am very very happy. happier than i ever have been recently. :) it felt good anyhow to be together again, like new lovers. a little awkward but.. loving. i hope that i will never ever make a stupid mistake, or allow such a mistake to happen again. i just know that the pain is too much to bear and if it ever has to happen again it will be because we really are forced to, or he stops loving me. i love you so much!!!

well ok i shall stop being gross. went to esplanade with charm and von (who dressed like a taiwanese today, was so cute!!! i love her) and we met leonard and lynn. well put these bunch together and what do we do? well, we bitched non-stop. haha! was the wonderfullest bitchest session in the longest time because it was the REAL kind, woo hoo! kinda prepared me for my talk w martin too :) yes, i am so glad tt other ppl now dislike the girl i have disliked since the first day of tsd lesson where she suanned me, no i have not forgotten it. wheeee!!! i shall go and eat some mangoes my darling gave me, and try to forget the week i have lived in misery (yes, tts why i have archived all the sad stupid things, no more! yessir!!!)

speaking of, joel moved his blog. well, i guess if he wants to express his feelings about his classmates full blown i guess its better he does it, because i fear tt one day he might hate me, and i won't be able to take reading such a thing... sorry jo, i respect you for being able to say out a lot of things tt we might feel, but sometimes i feel that you go to the extreme, and i don't know how to feel. and i won't ask you if u mean me or not, because i'll never know. hope tt u will learn to accept us one day.. but till then i'll always remember the joel i knew when you first came in a52, and being your first friend :) then, i will always love you. (no, i'm not being fake.. if i were i won't say i love you.. i just wish you could feel differently)