Why does it always rain on me?
weyLing / naDia / chArm / yasMin / huanLing / crysTal / sueAnn / lenNie / faTma / aDik / linGkai / genEvieve / lynNyanglin / yvoNne / nirWan / TSD / pitascom /
tag
Saturday, September 20, 2003
:: 08:27 p.m.Look at my two "high" personality disorders. I kinda saw narcissistic coming.... because I am that.. but histronic? Well learnt something about myself today..
| Disorder | Rating |
| Paranoid: | Moderate |
| Schizoid: | Low |
| Schizotypal: | Moderate |
| Antisocial: | Moderate |
| Borderline: | Low |
| Histrionic: | High |
| Narcissistic: | High |
| Avoidant: | Low |
| Dependent: | Moderate |
| Obsessive-Compulsive: | Moderate |
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! -- | |
Thursday, September 18, 2003
brar :: 06:50 p.m.today was a good day. minus the crazy lit lesson we had with mr ho. well i kinda listened to sue talk, and it made me feel better. i mean, this is like the time i wanna let someone else talk and bring me somewhere else, so sue, its ok :) love u anyways. after eating i just couldn't go for my math lecture anymore, too much to think and too much in my head, so i went to the tsd room to rest. tried to study but i was feeling extremely weird.. i needed to be hyper. so i jumped around and made bitchy remarks and talked loudly and laughed, and i could, lift it, for then. for a long time i suppose coz after i slept for 5 periods. the longest i've slept since this week. econs was amazing then. i should sleep before every econs lesson! haha!
went back, took a long bus stop with nikki, was real fun coz we talked about peter and jane, spot (you know, the dog), care bears, smurfs!!!!, hippos with tutus, rjc, shaun (a bit lar).... quite relaxing. i went to siglap centre to alter my pants, bought my groceries and felt, very very relieved suddenly. i kinda know what i wana do now. is it temporary or my prayer answered? what sue said wasn't exactly true coz i kinda thought i was prepared for it already, but i guess i goosed out. stuck my head out and realised the impact of everything.
hope this is not a mood swing. maybe the effect of a good rest. but its creeping back again. hell.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
that thing going in my head :: 06:15 p.m.Travis – Why does it always rain on me?
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody's saying everything is alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all of these lights
Sunny days, where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Chorus
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shinning I can't avoid the lightning
I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I've got my mind on something else
Sunny days, oh where have you gone
I get the strangest feeling you belong
Middle eight
Oh where did the blue sky go?
Oh why is it raining so?
It's so cold
why cant i be silent? :: 05:31 p.m.
well. i admire people who can face up to their own problems and try to move on. why can't i do that? felt sick today. tried to laugh, jump around, sing, think of other things... thank you crystal, u made my day a lot better than it couldve been. sue too for just being so cute. i looked at yasmin and i found insipration for myself. even bryna who touched me. i wanted to cry but i couldn't. i won't. and i feel really bad now because i teased charm the whole time coz her reaction was so funny.. but i realised tt u can forget temporarily, but it still floods you. comes again and again and again and u wonder why u make such a stupid mistake and u want to hate and resent the world. i wish i were. i wish i could. i don't know if i want to be either. so its over now, thank you, take your bow, and leave. i don't know why i cant let go. maybe its because this is the first time i have to say goodbye, and i don't want to. haveto. wantto. all the things they tell u about following your heart. no. you will ruin it eventually... right? will i? i don't know. all i know is that i hurt and i wish there was something i could do. and i don't want to talk about it with ppl coz i wanna forget it. but it just doesn't go away. so help me, Lord, i know you're there, guide me, and show me what to do.
thank god crys brought me to ikea. coz i could concentrate on the food there, the nice things, me, my life. crys is wonderful and so is her mum. got myself a nice pink watering can thingy tt crys has too, in black. she says use it for a pitcher. i will. i will drink from it and i will be happy. i need things to decorate my room. i need to tear down what isn't mine anymore. and i will. eventually. give me time. so that was my peak moment, when i decided to buy tt pink thing. like my moment for change, in my loserly way. and her mum paid it. she's so sweet, i'm gonna give them lapis tomorrow. but then we walked through the photo frame section and i couldn't take it. went there recently.. was one of the happier times. i nearly broke down so i walked away. must walk away. learn to not look back anymore. right? now i know how it feels like. can i say sorry to you, and you? please forgive me. wanted to buy a plant, crys thinks plants will make me feel better. didn't see any nice ones, so no go. flowers in the future. i will buy them myself. so i'm supposed to have had a happy day. why do i feel so sad? i don't know what i'm doing anymore. maybe i shouldn't have said something. its so stupid why. to me now it seems trivial, but whats done is done. i don't think there's room to turn back anymore.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
:: 09:45 p.m.i like this :)
You have a mysterious kiss. Your partner never
knows what you're going to come up with next;
this creates great excitement and arousal never
knowing what to expect. And it's sure to end
in a kiss as great as your mystery.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
good days :: 08:38 p.m.
hey you..
is there sth going on tt u should tell me about? i can tell ur upset, or dislike or ur just unhappy with me, and i think u should try to either talk to me or get out of my way. i hate trying to talk to u, only to be snubbed. makes me feel sad. and i miss u so. ah.
---
well today was a good day's rest. yesterday was a great day too! well i finally tried the yummy seafoodsoup that crys loves so much! was so happy they gave me 3 prawns :) hehe. then after we pretty walked around for awhile until keatsiang came. see charm said he would be in blue so i pointed out every single ugly blue shirted man to her for fun.. she got very irritated i think.. hehe :P then after we went to zara and i found this amazing skirt! wanna buy it but must save money.. so i showed it to him to ask him to buy for me.. he says he wont buy 'at the moment' coz its near promos n i wont be going out w him so i'll wear it out w other ppl... wat do u think tt means? haha! anyway was a good outing but i felt really sick in the evening, slept through my dinner and couldn't do anything in e evening. so i wanted to take a rest and after tt talk to him... and it didn't turn out tt great at first, but after tt things became better so its real weird n i don't know wats going on. feels v weird not being in control of e situations and my feelings at this point in time.. or not knowing really wats going on. but i went to sleep feeling a bit better coz i think tt everyting will be ok eventually. and whatever is supposed to happen will happen. fate. god's will maybe?
ok lighter note. was happy day again today. was very pleased with my results.. but what made my day was kinda mel's hug and i dunno.. felt like i learnt a lot from her, and she was so wonderful saying thank you to me, and i felt happy tt we helped each other. i know she wont read this.. but im so grateful to her for everything.. working with me is hard shit.. n alot of things tt we did couldn't have worked without my partner's maturity and wonderful thinking.. MEL and her shoes got special mention! after that i came back and took a good rest.. my bones are really aching so badly and i dunno why.. head too... and the stupid hostel bed is so uncomfortable when ur sick.. but music made me happy :) later around 4+ me and martin made plans to talk a bit.. but we ended up eating sushi, stuffing our faces.. well... he more than me coz i didn't really have e apetite and we were on buffet... hehe... felt good eating sushi. yum. we talked a lot too.. but nothing abt yesterday which was weird.. then i showed him the zara skirt lar! took the mrt together for awhile. not sure what will happen but i think i can take it in my stride. will be strong! :) well i'm online now, with an old friend.. we used to like each other but things kinda went wrong.. we're not right for each other, but we can be such good friends.. i dunno..i hope he still trusts me the way he used too.. and i love him very much (as a friend lar) still. hope tt when he comes back we can talk again! yay! oh i love jian guan too.. he just msged me to find out if i was ok.. and to get well soon.. so sweet :) i miss my sec school friends suddenly. feel very lost without them around to share all my feelings.. still have my wonderful roommate n shili.. but they're busy too.. esp phuong w jhalley n i dont wanna depend on them too much.. im not very independant am i? shit. must learn to be again! i guess i used to always have nadia around for me, and when martin came he took over tt responsibility. makes me feel so useless. heh. but this is supposed to be a happy post rite? well i still am happy.. don't know why.. maybe its because things arent settled and i like to believe in the happier possibilities.. tts why, crys n charm ;P still, read gen's blog and felt touched. i love everyone u noe. everyone.. just wish joel wasn't so cynical nowadays.. sometimes there are some pleasant things in life.. and i feel tt we should always try to see whats right instead of whats wrong.. except in the inet industry: haha, joel mosey fatma christina n kelda... and i thoroughly enjoyed gp today. amazing huh.
wow that was long.
Sunday, September 14, 2003
back! :: 02:55 p.m.guess which god i would be? i'm so proud of it.. i'm..
Aphrodite/Eros
Which Of The Greek Gods Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
anyway juz got back, yay! can use shi li's laptop to use to lan. sth's wrong with mine, gonna bring it to school tml to check it out. hehe :) well dunno why everyone is so upset abt homework.. i didn't know we had any.. do we? hmmm. anyways.. thanks to the ppl who's been tagging me ok, i think i'm juz in a rough state coz i haven't had much to do so i think a lot... really sorry if i sounded whiny... grr. anyways school's starting tml so all the more i should be whiny, yes? but looking on the brighter side of things, i'll be going back to my darling class. yes, i suppose tt's what matters most. :)
Saturday, September 13, 2003
my cat is playing with a rat now. :: 10:27 p.m.i ate this really really yummy bread thing called the mexico roll. it was so delicious. see me my mum n dad went to eat dinner and when we got out of the car i smelt this wonderful buttery smell, so i asked my mum what it was. we went over and ohmygod, it was these yummy things screaming at me to eat them! haha, bought one and it was heavenly. went back again to buy another one. then after we bought three more. oh i think my dad's heating up one for me now. its a crispy layer of bread skin with white yumminess inside and butter inbetween. called the mexico roll. oh goodiness. dunno if they have it in sg, and i'm going back tml, shit!
ya, damn upset now his parents are down so i can't talk to him, and i don't think he'll fetch me tml. so depressing coz like i havent even seen him in 2 wks!!! sometimes i wonder if he loves me. ok what e hell am i saying im sure he does, but i'm juz in a bad mood. misshimmisshimmisshim. love. grrrRRRRRRRR.
okays i look at my icq and this ex of mine is online. saw him there since monday, bet he's talking to his girl.. aiyah. anyway on monday i was really really bored coz no one was online and i said hello, but he didn't reply. feel so stupid. its true. can't be friends after u break up. he prob hates me. oh god. ok i might've been evil during after... aiyah.. ok its my fault. shit. why do i even bother? actually why? my psychology just doesn't want to be hated. yeah, i want him not to hate me anymore. tt i was immature and stupid, and i guess i knew i was in love with someone else.
tomorrow's the long bus ride. hope i can blog again soon. i'll miss home. i always do. i'll miss the silly cat. i think my parent's are gonna put my beloved snowy tt's been with us for 8 years down at the vets soon. she's really old now, and besides, she got into a fight with the mountain dogs behind our house so now she's limping. i dunno how i'll take it. i remember our first dog, penny. i cried and cried and cried. i love snowy. she's an amazing dog. she'd run after our cars, walk us down anywhere, always there to protect us, licking us when we were sad, understanding even when we forgot to feed her, cute and lovable in every way. she is the best dog tt i've ever have and i think i'll ever have, and i don't know how it'll feel like one day to come home and find tt she'll never greet me again.
darn. :: 2.00 p.m.
oh my god. i just woke up and realised tt i wasted my week away!! its already what, saturday? and i'll be spending my whole tmr on a bus. wow. tt's really neat. damn pissed with myself. again.
i bite. :: 12:26 a.m.
feeling pissy because my good things are always taken away from me and i have no claim to my shit. i hate _________ / too dangerous to say and i dont wanna mess myself up. but im dead pissed and i wanna kill somebody. NOW. grRRRR.
was bored so took up victoria beckham's autobiography coz my sis fren lent it to her. well tt women is so annoying but i feel sorry for her. i wouldn't want a life like tt. thank god i have no dreams of being a star. i'd rather be anonymous and happy.
piss off you. i'm so pissed off. effing shit.
Friday, September 12, 2003
:: 03:32 p.m.and..... my sister's fren said tt i looked like i was 25 in the above pic. wat e hell. am i that old? shit! i should stop standing next to crys! i bet i'll look fiiiiiiiiiftyy then. GRRRRR.
science lesson! *squeal* :: 03:13 p.m.
hello, do u noe tt we are attracted to ppl by the way they smell? not the COLOGNE smell, but 'pheromones' -> biologically produced chemicals tt are given out when we come within reach of a potential sexual partner. all of us secrete these stuff, n we are attracted to that which is most genetically different from us! cool huh! see nature planned it like this so tt the babies will turn out really healthy.. not sisters or brothers... hah!
oh yes!!! and guess wat? women produce more pheromones when we ovulate, tts why we feel horny.. coz we're most fertile then.. and well.. we should be having sex then.. darn! and another! breast feeding mums n their babies give our pheromones tt make other women feel like having sex! hah! isn't mother nature smart or what?
feel so enlightened.. :) can't understand why fatma hates babies.. maybe coz she feels like having sex so she's in denial.. haha dear juz kidding!
:: 12:48 a.m.
sigh, anyways, daddy's birthday today! happy birthday my old man, love you very much! we're going for sharkfin chinese dinner with seafood tonight! yumyum!
thinking :: 12:16 a.m.
well. start happy. was damn happy today! turned on channel v and saw TRAVIS *live* playing and the [V]HQ :) i love happy music like tt. maybe its coz since young i listen to like christian music. but anyways i love travis coldplay oasis. there's nothing like good singing to make ur day. you could sway along, jump, heck sing along (there's a tune!!) and i dunno..... just.. happifying. i noe crys hates music like tt, but i dunno why. how could any1? im so glad nadia introed me to bands like tt. i mean i was just swooning when Fran Healy sang. such a wondrous voice. no wonder i love the choir. i love acapela (how e hell'd u spell tt anyawys). i love good voices. wish i could sing well. oh goodness. tt made my whole afternoon. i even willing brought my sis water to her room for her to take ONE sip and bring it down again. the power of travis. and if u sing, sing, sing.................... :) for the love u bring won't mean a thing, because i love you!!!! yum. *smiley*
talked to my senior wee who went to us. told me about his life. and i was like. wooooooooh. so what e hell am i doing now? i mean, wat exactly do i wanna achieve? yas noes where she's gonna go and everything. charm noes wat course she's gonna do. lennie noes his future job. and i hesitate. do it all the time. wat e hell. used to be so sure of who i was and what i wanted to do, but all i do well for now is math. why e hell would i wanna study math? ok tts not even the point. the point is tt i really have no aim in life anymore. i mean i talk abt it all the time, but why do i feel like im willing to sacrifice or compromise for a lot of things? i noe i will, in the end. i dunno how to say this, but right now, i can't even see myself like, 2 years from now. actually i don't even feel confident or whatever anymore. remember tt tsd workshop where lennie n yas said they're more confident now. and i can understand why they'd feel this way, before this they were in an environment very different from now, and now they can be who they are. but somehow i feel tt i haven't moved. haven't changed. if anything, probably deteriotated.
i dont really like socialising or making talk anymore. i mean. i let ppl like them who love talking (i love talking too but nowadays not really anymore) do it. but does tt mean im less liked than them? have i become like some sort of shelved thing? i hate feeling this way. i was thinking of tt in the car on the way to supper u see. and thought of tt time lennie was feeling low abt himself. i dont see why he feels the way he does because we all love him. i insult him all the time but i love him. i love everyone. tt's why im not bitchy (well i've toned down) anymore. coz i dont wanna hurt anyone the way i did before. does tt make me a less interesting person now im quieter? sometimes i feel tt ppl would like me less coz im uninteresting. i have explosions then i become subdued again. im tired. im 18 and im tired of socialising. i'm really, a laugh.
grr. but i love tsd. yet i feel im not really good at it. u noe.. as in, i can do well for the practical side coz god gave me this talent, ive been acting since like wat, pri sch? but im not really great in the theory part of it. my ideas aren't inferior, but i nvr feel they're really mine. its compilations of what ive seen over the years, n there's really a lot there. and somehow i can't write the way i see mosey write for his future ds, i don't see things in a macroview like charm does, i don't have the "urges" the way yas does, i keep thinking, but all i see is, perfect the acting. i mean no wonder mel gets upset working with me. i would get upset too, i think. when ppl tell me im a good actress, i feel like telling them, im the puppet. i can't think up the great general idea. i act, but tt's it. shit why do i feel like this? i mean, im quite useless in this sense rite?
stupid wee. made me dig into my own feelings. i mean, id be happy being the ignorant shit i am, but then again, sometimes i'd feel stupid. when everyone's maturing, i feel im shrinking. into nothingness. the end is deep and i cant see anything anymore. i wish i had my aim again. i wanna go to the states or uk or canada. but i think i might stay in singapore. erk. i wanna get a scholarship. but everyone wants one too! and everyone seems far ahead. i may have done well for midyears, but what is tt? the only reason was maths and that's brainless work. im such a shithead. i miss martin. i wish he could talk to me and tell me what to do.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
:: 01:00 a.m.
I'm sure it's no big surprise to you that your
romance is The Princess Bride. A heartwarming
tale of "Twue Wuve" that has giants,
Spainards and swashbuckling. You really do
think that love can overcome anything. You may
be a touch naive but your heart is certainly in
the right place. You've probably got one of
those relationships where proper nouns have
been replaced with "Snookums" and
"Pookie Pie". Eww. Beware a cuteness
overload.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
eek. :: 11.10 p.m.mum's in a bad mood. shit. hateithateithateit. think i'll go offline. p.s bought 2 new tops, whee!
show off! :: 12:01 a.m.
show off no 1: MY MUM'S THINKING OF GETTING ME A DIGI CAM! I DIDN'T EVEN SAY ANYTHING OK!!!
show off no 2:
our new car *beam*
its a Carnival v6.. its really huge.. not sure if i'll like it.. but YAY, anything goes!
hah!!! :: 10:56 p.m.
Hee! You are Jack's "You have to find
yourself a girl, mate ... you're not a eunuch,
are you?" speech. You're quite a bit sex-
crazed, and you assume that everyone else is as
horny as you are. Get it on as soon as
possible so that you can join the rest of us on
Planet Earth ... I'm sure you'll have a good
time doing so.
Which one of Captain Jack Sparrow's bizarre sayings from Pirates of the Caribbean are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
shopping! :: 10:40 p.m.
my cat doesn't eat cat food, it'll rather give it to other cats and steal the dog's food. its breath also stinks after eating fish. EUWWWWWWWWWWW.
well went shopping today with dad n sis while my mum went to see this baking class for pastry-like mooncake [its a swirly baked thingy with cooked filling, cripsy and yummy], was real fun, bought my daddy a nice new john master shirt for his birthday..we tried to hide it but he saw the wrapped up thing, but we're not saying anything! HE bought LOADS of stuff. i take after my dad, we love to spend money. hehe. bought yasmin's bday present (hurrah!), its real nice, charm's sharing it too!! :) hope u like it.
bought me a nice pink shirt n a black one from factory outlet. tt place sells branded stuff like quiksilver dorothy perkins fcuk zara stussy op and you get the drift, only its real cheap coz its like the not-excellent stock. but since they can't sell it cheaper, really, so they like cut the tags (the one at the back of the shirt) and sell them really cheaply. i dont really care, they were just pretty shirts n id've liked them with or without brands, haha! wanted to buy loads of other stuff, but shall wait. feels weird to want to buy like short skirts n stuff when your dad is waiting outside. hahahaah!!!
so. found out why i have such a deeeeeep passion for LONG JOHNS!! turns out when i was like real young, i ate ljs and i liked it a lot so everytime we came down to singapore we'd eat it.... no wonder i like it so much. the same way, i never drank milk, tts why i HATE it!! yay!!!
hm. finally. me and him have been talking... and i hope everything will be fine. i want it to be. :) go rachel! will try to get things back together again. love him a lot, miss him too. think i had another dream about him, but im keeping it for myself! :)
Monday, September 8, 2003
a list :: 11:56 p.m.1. My sister writes football poems (can you believe it? they rhyme)
2. I miss singapore. I miss school (actually just the tsd rm 4 sleeping n my class). And him. himhimhimhim. bah.
3. My mum makes JELLY mooncakes. I mean, normal mooncakes, but jelly ones too!! yam durian coconut i dunno wat.
4. My parents are going to japan 1st 2 wks of holidays, and i'm stuck in school.
5. Got 300bucks to go shopping tml!!
6. My cat. is evil. She catches cockroaches, tortures them, lets them go, plays with them again, and watches them die.
butts!!! :: 11:37 p.m.
sorry, i know this is weird.. baby butts and such, so cute!! courtesy corbis.com.
hmmm. :: 06:46 p.m.
well i was wrong. things might not be too good. and im so confused myself about what i really want. i think the past week really screwed up and i did a lot of wrong things myself. i was in a terrible state of mind and prob did or say too many things tt will cause a lot of shit. oh god. dunno if im too late. dunno if i want to be too late. shit. need to think abt it myself. but i noe one thing for sure. _______________.
forgive'im :: 12.58 a.m.
will forgive him. poor boy. DOWN WITH COUNCIL. bully my boy.
Sunday, September 7, 2003
about driving licenses :: 10. 40 p.m.i love rachel! (7:27 AM) :
eeeeeeeeee
this woman i met told me its damn scary
w in d~ (7:29 AM) :
no lah. it's okay. must remember all the things to do lah. then try to flirt a bit with the examiner. heh
i love rachel! (7:30 AM) :
HAH!!!!
really?
w in d~ (7:36 AM) :
but do it subtly lah
w in d~ (7:36 AM) :
sometimes miniskirts help. heh
i love rachel! (7:37 AM) :
WAT?!
w in d~ (7:37 AM) :
haha..but i was in jeans that day...with quite translucent white tee.
i love rachel! (7:37 AM) :
WAT???!
w in d~ (7:37 AM) :
and must remember to be polite. esp when you reach over to pretend to adjust the side mirror.
w in d~ (7:37 AM) :
hahaha
i love rachel! (7:38 AM) :
HAH?!?!?!!?
r u serious?
w in d~ (7:38 AM) :
yeah. really.
w in d~ (7:38 AM) :
don't go overboard. or pple will think you're a slut
i love rachel! (7:39 AM) :
WAT?!?!?!?!?!
w in d~ (7:39 AM) :
why so shocked
diao. wat e hell?!??!!
bwam. :: 03.45 p.m.
its all hitting me all the way, all theway, alltheway. Sick and pissed of and tired of being pissed.
Had to go for my stooopid driving last 6 hrs theory lesson today. hate the way those assholes do things. told me to be there from 8-830 (wth) and then we had to wait for the transport till nearly 9. we reach there ard 10, the man talks abt the kind of different licenses, which i have heard and been TESTED on, hello!? and that took like 1 half hour because he was CRAPPING: e.g. [in a loud booming assholic voice]"if ur L license is one day late, the next day is first saturday of the week, holiday, sunday no open, monday is 1st day of gongxifacai, tuesday 2nd day, wednesday selamat hari raya, then will be vannakam deepavali. No ex-e-cuuuse!" HELLO? i'm paying THREE HUNDRED BUCKS to learn about the motors and the engines and how to sit and how to drive and USEFUL stuff about driving!!! not about the licensing when its all perfect commonsense! as if his REALLY LOUD BOOMING VOICE (which is louder than mine, so u can imagine) wasn't bad enough, he talked all his rubbish with full facial expression, walking up and down and really near to you, annoying malay with broken english and lapsing into cantonese and hokkien and watever, he sounded so proud of whatever he was teaching us. Wanted to stand up and tell him to shut up. But he signs my stupid license form. well after 1 half hrs he gave us a break.
A half hr break after which he decided to start on the more correct side of the 'lecture', but he had only started on the basic stuff tt we already had in the previous lecture before some guy came in and whispered in his ear and then it was over! AND our driver came and pushed us out and we sped away in case the driving authorities find out we ended early. it was like, 6 hrs shortened into 2?? I don't know. i mean, i'm kinda happy i din't have to be tortured sitting through this, but its the principle of things aint it? i mean, not just the money, but you are cheating us of what we should know before we go and drive. i was thinking abt it, i prob won't know shit when i go for my lessons u noe. and the girl next to me told me tt if u don't give bribes, tts e end of you. you can take the tests as many times as you want, but you won't pass. that scares me.
is this how my country functions? does it really reflect well on us? is it really much better to be rich and let ppl who can't drive for nuts on the highway? why??? i saw the "vision 2020" on the parliament building yesterday when we drove past it, and i remember thinking to myself, you think we can achieve it?
more and more i'm realising that ive been disillusioned by the ideals of malaysia. but i still love it, still holding on.. remember how happy being here used to make me. i do tt alot, don't i? hold on to things that dont seem to want to be there. during the very boring lecture the booming man was giving, my thoughts went to you. again. i miss you. and i miss your hugs.
p/s: dreamt of a few things last night together w him. first one was scary coz lofty removed all practical stuff from the tsd syllabus. -cutthroat- p/s: the night before: classroom scenario; charm n huan were praising each other 4 being slim n gorgeous (how weird is tt?)
well today's stay in day. daddy going to preach in sentul. long long day. should i give in?
morning sunshine! :: 08:02 a.m.
Had a nice dream. you and me, we were happy and ok. and then u gave me a very nice surprise. i love you.
Saturday, September 6, 2003
:: 11:03 p.m.Just talked to Alme. Martin called him to go out.. seems he's really free now. shows how much i mean to him eh? sniff.
news flash :: 10.24 p.m.
.... on a lighter note:
*NEWSFLASH*
charm n crys, we were wrong! pirates has been out since 28 Aug!!!! and sinbad is out too!!!!! so is the italian job or sth like that.... we were wrong... msia is getting faster!! woo hoo!!
talk :: 4.00 p.m.
came back from lunch. went to ikea and all that. but i was thinking abt sumthing. i used to write honestly n whatever i thuoght in my blog. should i now since more ppl read it? the thing is tt i think ive kept myself ever since i came to vj. i never used to be able to really share my feelings anyway. it was always just anger. sadness. i couldn't tell anyone what i really felt. even him. and thats y we keep clashing.
he didn't send me off yesterday. and honestly i was upset. because he hadn't talked to me the whole week very much since he was busy preparing for his science pracs, and in betw was the teachers day celeb on the last day of school. last wk he asked me to be understanding and support him. so tts what i tried to do. i let him do his work, i talked to him only at the end of the day to wish him luck, i didn't bother him abt anything. i wrote him letters and made him stuff.
but then there was the celebration, and he didn't talk to me after, and i was going home that evening. when i went back i packed up, did my stuff and all... waited. and waited. maybe i'm just silly, too idealistic, i thought he'd call me, at least, last min, whatever. then i knew he wasn't going too. sent a first msg. was nice. told him i left him sth nice with phuong, tt she'd call him to get it. then 2nd, i couldn't help it. i told him tt we'd nd 2 talk. really. i figure i cant stand being like this. i must get away before he hurts me even more. i nvr thought things would be tt way. and i dont want to be hurt anymre. i dont want him to make me hate me. because id hate myself then. then the third msg, i told him he wasn't the person i knew anymore. it was 7.50 then.
The bus took really long, so we reached the checkpoint at 8.40. i told my friends, i was very upset. poor james. i think he was trying desperately to get him. i suppose i knew he was sleeping. but tt wasn't the point. the point was that he shld've remembered i was going home. when he called me then, i cancelled the call. i was too angry. connection died off, but a message managed to come through: have a nice trip.. take care. i thought i could handle my anger... but i couldn't. halfway i asked him, do u want to explain what happened? he said he only slept for 30mins last night and fell asleep all e way when he came back.
i dont know why, but i really really really feel disheartened. disappointed? needed to tell someone. see my relationship isn't a bed of roses. i have to fight distance, fight his shitty council, and he fights my theatre times. he never used to forget me. ever. but now its all slipping away. should i get out before i fall?
thank god i got this one wk to get away. to think things over. every time we near a quarrel, god always seems to put me home. the place where i know i belong. where my family is there, my father showers me with love, my mother finds it hard, but she gives me food. i know she loves me. and my sister. i love them. home is my refuge. but il have to face the battle ultimately. when i get back. i'm sorry if u read this n u r angry tt i'm saying it out loud. im so very hurt, and the only reason is because i love you.
from home! :: 12:08 p.m.
oh no!!!!
they wanna delete my chatterbox (TAG THINGY) because i haven't had any tags because i never updated!!!! *sniff*
anyway i'm home. the new cat is SO PRETTY!!! its so manja manja and its SO ADORABLE! its mostly white, with patches of brown and black. pretty white whiskers and a brown fleck on the nose!! oh and around its mouth is a brown little circle.... so cute!! and it sleeps on beds!! hahaahahah
ok i'm still so tired... had a long bus ride. its time for lunch!!
Thursday, September 4, 2003
love VS HALL!!! :: 10:31 p.m.VS Got internet!!!!!
yay!!!
I'm so happy ok, however, there seems to be some problem with MY computer because its accustomed to dial-ups so i need to reconfigure my proxy settings (wow.. something intelligent). well i was feeling full of myself, and slightly proud of the pictures i took :) haha, what can i say, so here is the new layout! to ppl who got sick of pink, SORRY LA! people like shocking others sometimes.
yay so since i'm going home tmr, i'm logging off now. talk to y'all soon!!! :)
<3 rach
Wednesday, July 16, 2003
hello you! :: 08:47 a.m.In an extremely badmood now. PW, can you tell? People have been asking me to update my blog, but you guys need to wait till I have internet in VS!!!!!! it aint here yet! oh n i'v got a new layout in mind, just waitin 4 e internet.. hehehe =D few things:
+ jayne, im confused abt u n majun's status
+ goodnews1: got mel as my duo partner, was so scared id get unoewho. cant work w her. but mel's cool. u think we'd end up bitching al e time? haha!
+ jo, r u havin e bbq? :) hopeso
+ feel confused, is our clas united?
+ no1 insult me abt doing well ok? u dunnno e pressure i go thru w 80 other geniuses living w me, n moe's guidelines. im just trying 2 get past..
+ ah yes. so proud of martin. got 3As 1E (for econs :P). he rocks my world.
+ i miss tsd. weirdly enough.
i'm very worried about a lot of things. lately been in super mad bad moods, u think ppl are starting to hate me? feels weird.