| |
|
[ all talk all day ] |
eek
finally feel a bit better to post. yesterday was horrible, woke up at 6am so already was feeling really sick, night before couldn't sleep out of fear, and my head was thumping and all already. after waiting for so long, i guess i really wasn't ready at all for the stupid test, i wasn't prepared physically, and mentally? even worse, whoa, i've never been so scared for anything before... i really feel like quite a shithead. now gotta pay 200 for that stupid retest. i still don't see HOW MY STUPID CAR couldn't go pass uphill. shit, i'm such a shithead. and i thought all my worries were over once i reached the yellow line on the dot. heck.
Thursday, December 11, 2003 @ 12:03 a.m.
sighs, i failed the hilly part of my test. i managed to stop on the middle of the line, but i failed to start the car properly to get it downhill. sighs, so now i gotta go back next week to take that part of the test again. sighs. i was so damn scared man, i really think i'm not meant to drive, when i was walking over to the driving spot, i was so afraid my legs would give way. u know, i might reconsider all driving options. *cutthroat*
Wednesday, December 10, 2003 @ 01:24 p.m.
nightmares
i've officially gone mad. at night i lie awake thinking about my driving route, in the car i never take my eyes away from dad's driving, sometimes i estimate his gear-changing. what has happened to me? haha. i'm a driving obsessed weirdo. sighs. we went down port dickson coz its the nearest beach today. got darker. i hate it that i get dark and not golden brown. GRAR. nicole, yeah, i wish i could kill the boy, but then... i wont get his 500 bucks.. hahahahahaha. sighs.
Sunday, December 7, 2003 @ 7.10 p.m.
ah. an entree containing unhappiness
Babes, just been back from a yummy food outing. i woulda taken pictures but i didnt bring the camera! hehe. Had nasi lemak in the morning, then some tidbits from mum's baking class, florentine, fruit cake and choco cake roll, then delicious mango sago ice thingy and real good crispy stuff i dunno what, some sorta chinese pancake thingys? yup. and then dinner was jap sushi and noodles at uncle's place. THEN ice-cream with choc topping on top. yeah. great day. later mum's friend is coming over with some new cheese cake thingy. wheeee.
today i observed my dad drive and had a semi lesson with him about observing engines and stuff.. doing that i realised how incredible it is that we, mere human beings, are able to do amazing things like DRIVE. heh. of course i've been watching the new TVB pilot series and it just makes me think, life is wonderful. the fact that God created us itself, walking, communicating creatures is a feat, but that we can DRIVE, is.... unspeakable. heh. i am just feeling a bit proud of myself having finally grasped the concept of driving (i hope).
at the same time, i'm feeling a bit of this ungraspable feeling of.... disappointment. at a certain somebody who i realise lets me down time after time and i feel wasted. someone whom i cherish and love. ah well. hopefully the person will come to her/his senses soon. i am well and sick of people thinking that i am a stupid bashing bag that they.can.just.very. well. treat me fine if i'm around and then pretend that i.dont.exist when i'm not. sometimes i keep things to myself because i treasure you, but if you can't do the same, forget it.
Saturday, December 6, 2003 @ 09:46 p.m.
fotopages!
ok in case no one realised, Fotopages is a really good image saving tool.. its like a blog, with easy picture saving and real easy to view too. see on the right hand side? that's MY blog. now go! *tee hee*
Friday, December 5, 2003 @ 09:49 p.m.
driving and a sorts random post
Today was, i daresay, a really really smooth and good driving class today. No big mistakes at all, and compliments here and there. even the minor mistakes, i managed to correct them all nicely today. i mean, i should, right? my test is on tuesday, and i have no more lessons anymore! yep. the instructor (he makes me call him 'si fu', which is 'shi1 fu4' in canto and means teacher) let me do my own little practises today, and i'm mightily proud of my progress today eh. parking was no problem anymore, my car is straight now and my steering is much better, according to mr teacher. also, i'm starting to understand by myself how to change gears based on the engine noise. see the instructors dont tell you that, they just tell you, change, change!! but my friend said her dad had to teach her tt, so i decided to try to catch up on my own. well. feeling better now. so i've had a chance to rectify my horrible driving lesson. i'm scared, suddenly. please God, please let everything turn out ok. *sighs* thanks charm, love u loads. calin too, its not all that easy yea babe. huan i know u miss me larrrrrr. =D i miss u too....
yes. one problem i find really really terrible. i have a huge arm muscle problem. i find that i have no strength there!! when turning the steer, i find that i take up nearly all of my energy and am nearly sweating after. dunno if its the heat or my heart, or my arms. poooey.
martinmartinmartinimmissingyoutoomuchnow.
heard CHINABLACK was a blast, good for you, jayne! love u lots girl =)
Yasmin seems melancholic, go cheer her up and mind her rant. heh. Wonder why though, since according to Gen's blog, it seemed to be a good day.... hmmm. well look at both their blogs for a bit of fun then a hit right down to earth! (Gen then Yas.) As yasmins points out, NEVER expect from [her]. [she tends] to crush it to smithereens.
see u all my darlings.
Friday, December 5, 2003 @ 03:33 p.m.
i find this test accurate. that's because the test questions are general too so you don't really expect such an answer =) saw it in joel's blog:
Cb major - life is full of complecations,
commitments and organisation. You love to make
sure everything is just perfect, but sometimes
this can cause you to fall over your own feet.
A slightly unsociable key: why Cb major when
you could be the identical Bmajor? It has less
accidentals.
what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 @ 10:34 p.m.
forgot to say that charm the gorgeous is back too with lovely pics in her blog! only that all the pictures without her are super nice =P miss everyone.. i kinda wish we had school.. we dont do anything anyawy, and i get to see everyone and laze in TSD room with charm n crys... sniff...
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 @ 09:59 p.m.
entry of frustrations
ah. its been a mixture of a day today. first up, i saw huan's tag in charm's blog and i realised she's back!! yupyup missed ur blog girl u never fail to crack me up coz you're so weird (hehe did u think i was gonna be nice to you juz coz i missed u?? :P)... another thing i'm happy about is that i finally found my real yummy friend rachel!! been missing her and trying to find her, but it was real hard, yup.. luckily i was surfing an MG girl's blog and found her. ahhh. last happy thing, zee my dearest exroommate found her way on to the CHATTING WORLD!! hehe.
still, it hasn't totally been a good day, at all. see today at tuition i actually broke down in front of my tuition student. see, i've been teaching him math and been real patient, but everytime i teach him, the next day he forgets everything.. the thing is that he's not stupid, he studies in singapore lar, sorry to say (sorry) that he's one of those kiasu kids and thinks he's real smart and super impatient. if i try to teach him something, he gets this impatient look and tries to cut in-between, and he thinks he's real great. he keeps doing these "chut chut" sounds that sound like he's impatient. don't get me wrong, he's a good soul, but when it comes to work, he's just unbearable. naughty too. *sighs* pri 5 ok. so today i was revising with him what i taught him b4 class ended yesterday, when you wanna change sides of an equation, you have to change sides right, SIMPLE STUFF. when i taught him he said that too, so i gave him a coupla eg.s to do right.. and i guided him thru the 1st few.. then i gave him some to do and he had minor mistakes here and there... so i was trying to be patient, teaching and teaching, and he KNEW what i was telling him, just that he kept making stupid mistakes like the wrong signs, saying the answer was 200 when actually 12x was 200.. u know.. so i got real upset.. by then i had been going thru that ONE THING for ONE AND A HALF HOURS. i mean, any normal person would really really breakdown. what i was teaching him wasn't any mathematical formula, or any difficult calculations, or anything! i only asked him to CHANGE SIDES and do DIVISION!!!!! i got really really upset, i mean, i felt useless and stupid and really really wasted by this fool of a boy. he wasn't stupid, really, he wasn't even trying. he kept laughing if i asked him to do again and mumbling that i was being strict under his breath. and everytime i taught him he gave this, yeah yeah, i already know, stop nagging look. i mean, i really gave up. i just started crying.... how embarassing.. but i really felt like such a loserly teacher. i know now i'll never be a teacher. its just waaay too frustrating.. lennie.. u wanna be a teacher, english is harder to teach than math. I KNOW.
that upsetting thing done, i had a minor (but major on my part) failure while having my driving lessons today... parking and going up the hill and all sorts was okay, but then when we were on the road and the instructor was like, okay, we can take a break tomorrow, no need to learn, then we went up the hill, and while balancing and gearing up and stuff i think i let go of the clutch when i shouldn't, and the CAR STOPPED!!!! IN THE CORNER OF THE ROAD, A sub-MAINROAD!!! i was majorly embarassed. not to mention humiliated and upset, and all sorts. ESPECIALLY after this mornings failure. i really felt i was a total failure. yeah. that's me. guess what? my teacher thinks i should continue lessons tomorrow. whoop-dee-do.
you know, in a way, i know how that boy feels, coz while teaching at the same time, i myself am learning. but everything is so frustrating. trying to be a good teacher, trying to be a good student. i want to pass my test because i really CAN drive, not because i paid to pass. dammit. why why why.
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 @ 09:33 p.m.
You are Orange.
You are outgoing and optomistic. You always try to find the bright spot in everything. You are energetic and people are naturally attracted to you. However, you are not always sure of what your purpose or goals are.
Most Compatible With: Fresh Mint
Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 @ 07:23 p.m.
la la la!!!
a new photopage (zekiut1.fotopages.com), with newly uploaded pictures of 1)my cat and 2)attempted art in the dark. hehe =) had a fun outing with nadia and huilian (LOVE YOU TWO GIRLS) and ate the 'best assam laksa in the world' according to my dad. nadia, being the weirdo she is, took a video of that. how weird is that? haha will try to put that up soon. that said, me and lian watched brother bear and i have to say i enjoyed it. silly me teared over all the parts where koda was telling the story about his mum, when kenai the bear told little koda that he was the bad hunter... and koda is just lovely.. his love is overwhelming.. and the parts where kenai, his brothers denahi and sitka embrace in their reunion... and the moose and koda never failed to catch me in their silly squabbles! that said, koda and kenai are the cutest bears ever!! bears are lovely things!!!! hehehehe =) sorry nadia...
Monday, December 1, 2003 @ 08:00 p.m.
for VON
happy trip home girl!!!
from my own experience, all i can tell you is, try to make e best out of what you have.. and always, always, please ur parents... and help do some housework ;P
This is a picture of my CAT!!! :)
cute innit? =)
Saturday, November 29, 2003 @ 11:50 p.m.
the perfect girlfriend? hah
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.
What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Weeelll i didnt' cheat, but somehow i feel that the person who created the quiz probably took a stereotype of a boyfriend. coz i sincerely doubt mr boyfriend finds me perfect. hah. i think i had a dream last night where two of us fought. it must've been a dream, coz i'm here, and he's there. there............ some where in thailand god-knows-where having fun. i miss him. i don't even have the heart to be pretty happifying/honest for now. i need to change my layout. exams were over a real long time ago, right? dammit. i just can't do anything. i wish... i really really wish.... aiks. it should be around now when mr boyfriend's going back home. how come he didn't call me? or msg me? or anything??!!!?!?!?!?
Saturday, November 29, 2003 @ 01:48 p.m.
q&a
Courtesy Sue:THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME: 01 | Being ugly 02 | An old maid!!! :( 03 | everyone talking abt me behind my back ;S THREE PEOPLE WHO MAKE ME LAUGH: 01 | martin 02 | nadia azahari 03 | huanling THREE THINGS I LOVE: 01 | my family 02 | martin yu 03 | my pretty phone THREE THINGS I HATE: 01 | being broke 02 | crying... 03 | irritating people who annoy the hell out of me THREE THINGS ON MY DESK: 01 | mic (talking 2 sue) 02 | my new Guess wallet! 03 | the computer THREE THINGS I'M DOING RIGHT NOW: 01 | err doing this 02 | talking to sue 03 | clearing my throat THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE: 01 | have sex!! haha 02 | earn a hell lot of money and spend it!!! 03 | become gorgeous hahaha THREE THINGS I CAN DO: 01 | bitch 02 | act ;P 03 | do math!! haha THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY: 01 | weird 02 | bitchy 03 | moooody THREE THINGS I CAN'T DO: 01 | have sex.... 02 | be super gorgeous!!!! 03 | love everybody and be nice all the time THREE THINGS I THINK YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO: 01 | ME. haha! 02 | my group's singing! (i hope) 03 | alternative music (coldplay, oasis, travis....) THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST: 01 | what, what, what??? 02 | see, hah! 03 | let me tell you something (thx sue) THREE OF YOUR ABSOLUTE FAVORITE FOODS: 01 | chocolate chip cookies!! 02 | thai spicy foood, mmmmmmmmm. 03 | buttery things, melted butter ;P THREE THINGS YOU'D LIKE TO LEARN: 01 | read a person's mind 02 | steal credit card numbers 03 | speak french THREE BEVERAGES YOU DRINK REGULARLY: 01 | water 02 | TEA! 03 | juice THREE SHOWS YOU WATCHED WHEN YOU WERE A KID: 01 | my little pony and friends! 02 | carebears!! 03 | sesame street :) RANDOM QUESTIONS... 01 | Spell your name backwards: lehcar(yuck, disgusting!!!) 02 | How did you name your blog?: errr. my msia friends like calling me chel ;P i liked it... it stuck. 03 | Are you homosexual? i have no idea. DESCRIBE YOUR: [ x ] Wallet: guess, black leather, new! [ x ] Hairbrush: green and yellow with a pink elephant, body shop! [ x ] Toothbrush: red.. boring.. [ x ] Jewelry worn daily: silver studs [ x ] Pillow cover: currently, little teddy bears at play! [ x ] Blanket: some green orange thing [ x ] Coffee cup: no particular one.. [ x ] sunglasses: i look horrible in em [ x ] Underwear: baby blue esprit! no bra haha [ x ] Cologne/Perfume: davidoff cool water, j.lo glow, moonflower tbs [ x ] CD in stereo right now: serena, dreaming of you [ x ] Tattoos: no.. [ x ] Piercings: 4. nuff. [ x ] What you are wearing now: pink top and pants [ x ] In my mouth: mucus haha! [ x ] In my head: my baby pooo :( [ x ] Wishing: he was around....... [ x ] After this: install digicam stuff! [ x ] Fetishes: hands, feet, martin, techo toys [ x ] If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what?: haha somebody who hates me.... [ x ] Person you wish you could see right now: martin ;P [ x ] Is next to you: my cam [ x ] Some of your favorite movies: i am sam, crazysexybeautiful [ x ] Something you're looking forward to: seeing him again [ x ] The last thing you ate: fruitella.. [ x ] Something that you are deathly afraid of: growing uglier... [ x ] Do you like candles: yeah. ;) [ x ] Do you like incense: not the chinese ones... [ x ] Do you like the taste of blood: er, no. [ x ] Do you believe in love: Yes. [ x ] Do you believe in soul mates: Yes. [ x ] Do you believe in love at first sight: no. [ x ] Can you eat with chopsticks: Yes. [ x ] What are some of your favorite candies: fererro rocher, almond roca [ x ] What's something that you wish people would understand: that i'm not a 'dao' person... -.F I R S T.T H I N G S.F I R S T.- [my name is]: rachel [in the morning i am]: grouchy [all I need is]: him. [love is]: bittersweet [I'm afraid of]: the cold.. [I dream about]: daily life... quite sad.. -.F A V O R I T E S.- [COLOR]: yellow, blue, red! [NUMBER]: 7 [SUBJECT:] theatre, bimbo-talk, shopping, food [CLOTHING BRAND:] i like zara skirts, but no fav brand [SHOE BRAND:] nike, reebok! [SPORT TO PLAY:] swimming.. shopping [DRINK:] ice lemon tea [ANIMAL:] my cat cat and dogs! [HOLIDAY:] everyday is a holiday! [FAVORITE LINE FROM A MOVIE:] i have bad memory :( [BAND:] coldplay!!!! -.H A V E.Y O U.E V E R.- [pictured your crush naked?]: i'll admit my horniness, yeahhh.... *drool* [actually seen your crush naked]: no... :P [had sex]:no. [been in love]: Yes. [cried when someone died]: Yes. [lied]: yeah duh. -.W H O.- [makes you laugh the most?]: my sister for now [makes you smile]: martin [gives you a funny feeling when you see them]: martin [has a crush on you?]: oh hundreds of men... hah. [easiest to talk to]: martin -D O.Y O U.E V E R.- [sit on the Internet all day waiting for someone special to I.M. you?]: sometimes... [save aol/aim conversations]: no... [wish you were a member of the opposite sex]: yeah i wanted 2 go to RI [cry because of someone saying something to you]: Yes. -.H A V E.Y O U.E V E R.- [fallen for your best friend]: i guess.... [been rejected]: Yes. ouch. [rejected someone]: i dont know how to say no, i just kinda avoid things... ;P [used someone]: maybe [been cheated on]: i hope not... [done something you regret]: lots... -.W H O.W A S.T H E.L A S T.P E R S O N.- [you talked to on the phone]: dad [hugged]: catcat [you instant messaged]: sue [you laughed with]: my sis -.D O.Y O U / A R E.Y O U.- [smoke cigarettes]: no.. [obsessive]: sory.. im anala abt my work.. heh [could you live without the computer?]: hell no!!! [how many peeps are on your buddylist?]: dunno... [what's your favorite food?]: sweets!! [fruit?]: ciku! or mango.... maybe mangosteeen... [drink alcohol?]: sometimes [like watching sunrises or sunset]: sunset... cant b bothered 2 wake up.. [what hurts the most?]: fighting with loved ones.. [trust others way too easily?]: depends... sometimes i do... mostly i dont.. -.N U M B E R.- [of times I have had my heart broken? ]: 1 [of continents I have lived in?]: 1 [of drugs taken illegally?]: 0? [of tight friends?]: i dont count! [of cd's that I own?]: i dont count! [of scars on my body ?]: dont make me find out THAT one either ;( [of things in my past that I regret?]: too many -.P I C K.O N E.- [MARRY PERFECT FRIEND OR PERFECT LOVER]: friends... friends r for life.. i might wanna stop having sex one day.. haha [CATS OR DOGS:] both!!!!! [1 PILLOW OR 2 :] 2! [W/ OR W/O ICE CUBES: ] with, but without for coke [TOP OR BOTTOM :] bottom ;P [WINTER/SPRING/SUMMER/FALL:] fall!! [NIGHT OR DAY:] night [GLOVES OR MITTENS:] mittens, cute! [DRESSED OR UNDRESSED:] dressed?? [BUNK OR WATER BED:] gimme a water bed [MTV OR VH1: ] mtv rocks [OCEAN OR POOL:] ocean!! [SHOWERS OR BATHS:] a bath [LOVE OR LUST:] love [SILVER OR GOLD:] silver's prettier [DIAMONDS OR PEARLS:] diamonds r a girls best fren!!! -.I F.Y O U.C O U L D.- [Move anywhere:] hawaii!! [Meet one famous person:] God [Live with one person the rest of your life:] martin [Name one thing you love:] tatty bear [Name one thing that embarrasses you:] one of my past crushes.... UGH!!! :( [Do you like school? :] only coz of my classs ;) they rock [Do you like to talk on the telephone?] haha, sue me. [Do you like to dance? ] yeah :) with someone special ;P [Do you sing in the shower?] sometimes... if i'm in a singy mood.. [Do you think cheerleading is a sport?]: yes it is..! [What's on your ceiling?] a light [What's the hardest thing about growing up?] life isn't as simple as you think it is... phew. :( its done...
Thursday, November 27, 2003 @ 05:52 p.m.
as if an afterthought, i wish martin was here. god, i miss you dear... =S
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 @ 11:53 p.m.
my grandmother
well, i have to admit its been a depressing day, putting me in a bad mood... went to visit my grandmother.. she fractured her leg again on sunday... well its been a recurring thing where she keeps falling down.. ever since a few years ago when she fell down the stairs, she's been forgetting things, people, the time... remember how i used to get so irritated when she asked me every few minutes whether i'd eaten my lunch, when i had.. but my grandmother still always looked the same to me, nice and plump, and i always tossed aside the evil memory of myself screaming at her, when i was 9 or 10, and daddy and mummy were away on holiday and i was sick, and i told her i hated her and never wanted to see her again. she really packed her bags, i remember, and told me she'd never come to visit me again.
today, as i stared into my grandmother's eyes, as i had to repeat my name for her for the 2nd or 3rd time, i felt really really sorry, i kept thinking of that time... and she said, "can i come stay with you?", in chinese. i didnt know what to say. she had forgotten, but i couldn't. you know, my grandmother always forgot the other cousins' names, but she never forgot mine. i suppose this was because i was the eldest grandchild, but i always suspected it was because i was the one with the bad temper, year by year either fighting with my mother or sister or my grandmother. yes. i think that is it.
i didn't recognise my grandmother when we entered the ward. all i saw was this tiny old lady with large, scared eyes, really really thin and small, she hardly looked like my grandmother. MY GRANDMOTHER had abundant hair, curly, grey, it sprangly lovingly on her plump, smiling face. i didn't recognise those wrinkled, paperly hands as i held them in my own hands. i was embarassed that my hands were normal. i wanted to cry. i could see daddy was tearing. this was his mother. and this was my grandmother, whom i incessantly argued with and always, always got tired with, i found her a burden.... but now, reduced to this, i realised that although she was losing this battle, i was losing it as well. i missed my grandmother. and as i sit here typing this i wonder how long more my grandmum has, i wish i could make her happy again. my grandmother is so beautiful you know, and i only realised that today. she has the most beautiful eyes, like a cats, a lovely peachy mouth, and the sweetest tiniest nose. and i love her voice. the voice i once detested, that very voice i always fought against. and only because she is my grandmother.
i love you grandmother. God, please, please make her feel better...
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 @ 11:13 p.m.
Last September, Ramsey heard about a man in San Jose who had just circumcised his daughter over the objections of his wife. He had waited until his wife left the house and then locked his three-year-old in the bedroom with him and performed the FGM. "He said that she was too wild," Ramsey says. "She liked to play outside too much. She had friends who were boys. He said this will tame her."
Saturday, November 22, 2003 @ 11:31 apm.
i like this quiz
You are Lauren Bacall. You started off as very shy
but with a little help, your roots come out.
You're an honest person and your values,
beliefs and convictions are very clear. You
love a good time, and you want security at
heart but you're ready for anything that comes
your way. You may also have an air of grace
about you, and more beauty than you'll ever
realize. But others will see it.
Which vintage movie star are you most like?(For girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
wow. this is a really complimentary quiz. love it!
Saturday, November 22, 2003 @ 11:45 p.m.
teaching
yes. thinking about female genital mutilation is really doing it to me. sorry martin, aub, sue... i probably scared you lot off with my ranting and raving and stuff i read online.. but i'm just thinking i need to feel it enough, i want to do something about it. will our art form be enough? yeouch. was gonna launch into a long i-can't-believe-these-stupid-tribes-rant, but i'll save it. i need to calm down.
yes, shall talk about my teaching. i realised that i am an unfair teacher. but i am only human, and when faced with cute faces vs not attractive faces, one is obviously more inviting. without much guilt, i realised how i would give out less challenging/quantity of work to my more favoured students, while the entirely too eager ones are given diffucult work in which i relish chiding them for not being able to do as well as the others. i would lavish praise on a mediciore piece of work, yet put my nose up high against a well-done work, because it has too much effort into it. i love seeing the ones i dislike squirm and frown, pondering over their work, while my favoured ones are given special attention, winning smiles, and tiny m&ms. giving out stars to students i do not like is almost terrifying for me, i grudgingly draw a small red star next to their neat, perfect little book, feeling almost bitterness handing out that measly red thing. it is painful, when you play favourites. but i am in the game, and i cannot get out. my brain automatically processes the thoughts for me: this is a cute girl, give her this easier piece of work; yuck, i hate that girl, lets give her the essay; ah, my smart boy, i'm sure he'll do this really well..... sometimes i hate myself, and i feel guilty, and i try to be extra nice by giving that extra star. but the disgust is there. why why why do i have these thoughts? yet these students, clamouring, unknowing, passionately knock at my door beaming with pride over their school work, fight to hand up their completed work first, yelling friendly greetings whenever i come in sight, shy grins all over their faces, and the guilt is there. instant.
so tomorrow, i tell myself, i will be a good teacher. i will go into class and try to smile at that unattractive boring girl over there who has absolutely no life, competes to finish her work first, with her smug look, the pride in her eyes, that girl. ah what did i say about being a good teacher again?
Saturday, November 22, 2003 @ 12:20 a.m.
sick rachel
FEeling so sick i wanna die. leave me alone. and one saddening week without martin online. die........ *ah choo* i've got the worst flu in years! its green and orange and sometimes bloody, yes, that's my throat mucus.. the nose is constantly blocked.. even lynn couldn't accuse me of being too loud now. sniff.
Friday, November 21, 2003 @ 12:08 a.m.
in heat
my cat is in heat and its so disgusting to watch. she wakes up and stretches herself and whines until she is let out of the house, and then she goes to the gate and mews flirtatiously till a bunch a male cats come standing outside in lust. as if her verbal flirtations are not enough, she seductively rolls around and increases her pitch, nearing towards the male cats who cannot wait to pounce right on top of her. it takes all the effort i have to pull her back to the house, and refrain from slapping her and calling her a slut. now she is sitting at home, very angry, frustrated and in need, whining to all of us who are extremely disgusted by her horrifying act of lust this morning where her HORMONES and new-ugly-grey-cat-of-a-boyfriend took over her hunger and normally large apetite. oh, woe is my cat. we are locking her up and going to all pains to stop her. but i know, she will get away.............
Wednesday, November 19, 2003 @ 02:40 p.m.
i forgot to say that i enjoy watching rugby now. yeah.
@
an update
oh my, look at my previous post! seems i went back in time. hehe :) well i'm home now kiddos! its been quite good so far, my mum went around parkway to check it out while we were waiting for shingy (which i agreed to fetch home) and we saw lovely pointed toe boots.... my mummy bought me a pair! she liked em, and decided they were too young for her to wear permanently.... i think she wanted to borrow them once in a while. still, they r lovely, and when my mum goes ard to buying me that digi came she remembered, i shall take pictures of my black-based, maroon-splashed and gold-specked boots. lovely.
so thats the first thing. i had my 1st driving lesson today! was scared shitless, coz i've NEVER EVER driven before. i mean, neither have most of us, but you know, i knew nothing about driving. so there i was, holding tight to the steering wheel (my instructor told me after to relax, heh), pushing the damn clutch so tightly whatever leg muscle i had hurt and when i let go after i got a cramp, eyes all squinting at the road. whoa. what an experience. the fun part is seeing all the mirrors around you, i could check out my eyebrows from the front mirror, my sideview from the side mirrow, cool! well, learning the art of narcissism from charms, i actually winked at myself once in awhile at the mirror. its quite fun. well, i learnt today that i hate manuals, i shall get cars that dont need me to change gears, oh how i hate them. i love turning the car, its real fun, like datona, and i love stopping the car, coz there's like a whole rule thing, quite cool. my instructor's real nice too! can't wait for my next lesson! i was damn scared, but i'm not anymore! quite proud of myself, being all badly-coordinated and all, the brake and the pedal's still a bit of a mess. slowly. i will conquer my awkwardness! driving, here i come!!!
3 more highlights:
nad called me today. love u girl! looking forward to friday, yay!
getting me haircut soon. layering off every bit of hair there.
freaky friday is actually quite a cool show.. reminds me of M1YC..
HAPPY HOLS TO THE REST OF YOU. MISS YOU!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2003 @ 01:49 a.m.
eek i'm back, things look bad. :(
Monday, January 1, 2001 @ 01:02 a.m.
melancholy
It's confirmed.. i go back Saturday morning. dad's coming down to take me for a breakfast then we're off to visit some people then go home. I'm so sad i can't go for class BBQ cookie baking any class outing cinderel-LAH and the very exciting tsd cleanup *sniff* furthermore i might not be allowed to come down for tsd coz my sister says mummy's real upset at me grades. ack. i'm looking forward to a great great holiday now aik!
Wednesday, November 12, 2003 @ 11:21 p.m.
school mag
Because my phone bill is too high, i shall post here and hope people read this message: SCHOOL MAG MEETING FRIDAY @ 11AM. ITS TO DO PROOFREADING, SO IF EVERYONE COMES WE CAN FINISH ASAP! please charm can pass the message to charlene? :P i don't have any info about her.. haha! ok thanks guys.. tag me if u read this.. otherwise i'm gonna msg/call y'all thurs night... :)
Wednesday, November 12, 2003 @ 03:48 p.m.
a recent update
i have a lot of things to say, i guess, and maybe not all might be good, but sometimes left unsaid might upset me, but saying it i can let it go... you know.. forget... ack.
1. the matrix: yup, i watched it. i may not be in love with it, but the loyalty stands in their 1st good movie. and prob the ppl i watched with :) (hehe :P) i actually enjoyed the fighting parts of the movie at the beginning b4 they started dragging.. the multilation scenes were damn gross! but that cute guy who opened the gates is so cute! neo can't cry for shit, trinity has lousy lines, but the black couple were so cute, they made me tear. plus, i actually was amazed that the ending was quite intelligent. i'd have never think to end the movie that way. in fact i didn't even think of the ending that way (no one who watched it with me did) except martin poo. ok fine, the digital stuff were not too bad.... still, the storyline never fails to amaze me that they still have fans. haha!
2. food: we've been having loads of yummy food lately. coz we got money, we ate this chinese restaurant place with their pork rib noodles featured in 8days, damn nice!!!! plus they have this yummy onion pancake... oooh. then swensens i was so lucky! i got the 5.50 meal thing, and like 10 other ppl after us who were trying got soft drinks haha! then was so yummified ok! woosh good 4 swensens! too bad the offer's over :( then i finally consented to meet boy's classmates who are really friendly and nice! yay! we had sakae, and we ate like... i think nearly 70 plates between 6 ppl... ugh... but i ate weird stuff that i never ate b4... quite good... yum.. too bad i didnt get to try the parkway one.. *sigh* also found out that the satay and the tomyam at the hawkers' opposite starbucks is real good too!!! haha now only need to try out that yummy fries place sue talked about. i'm sorry to any malay ppl who read this ok? don't mean to flout about food.. anyways puasas halfway thru! yay! sorry about wanting to eat today too, fatma *shame*
4. tomcat: this is an extremely horny show with loads of butts. and pretty girls. but ugly men. haha! borrow from huanling! one gross scene: some doctor eats up a BALL! as in, a real ball, scrotum.. haha! yucksyucksyucks!
5. PW: well my long postponed post about pw from yesterday.. and im not entirely sure why i've been apologising... i've been quite anal about my pw in the last few weeks, particularly coz we kept talking about things we wanted to do, but not accomplishing them, and i'm not saying that things were loaded to me, but that i felt that most of the time i did a lot of stuff.. i mean i wanted to.. not the most of coz, there's always fatma to remind us stuff, prepare stuff and everything.. at the beginning of pw i didn't wanna care.. then after the written report, mr ho seemed to have faith in us.. and that kinda spurred me, like ok, if we can do it, why not? so the perfectionist in me took away and i wanted everything to look good. well at least what i did was do the stuff and then ask for opinions about the editting/ let others change stuff.. not force everyone do stay up late with me.. i'm anal but i know what i do is good. can you tell me i'm wrong? i'm not being egoistical but i know my own strengths and weaknesses. like i know i screwed up my own parts, but for everything i did wrong i tried hard to make up for it by putting in effort i felt was impt for the pw.. remember our project in sec 3 yasmin? haha! my journals... eek.. its just some weird characteristic in me.. so when you want the presentation to be perfect, and someone who's making a fool of his/her speech screws up effort you put in till 3 in the morning making the notes, inventing intelligent things he/she says for the minutes when he/she is hardly there, and you have to constantly drill the person about what he/she's doing and bla bla.. and worse still, screws up the actual presentation when minutes before you keep reminding the person.. and when you ask him/her why, he/she actually doesn't think he/she's wrong at all? and apologises without meaning it... i don't think i don't deserve the right to be angry. nor do i think i should let the person believe that he/she had done thing wrong. when because of that person i have to stay back after my pw to do work because the person keeps forgetting to do a simple task such as borrowing a book. when i have been nice throughout the whole project, only saying after everything is over and i believe that i shouldn't keep my anger to myself. when i ask if i can help him do the work and he says no, but ends up not doing it. i suppose more because of my trust towards him that eventually he will not screw up. yet he made the most obvious blunder of all. i know, on that day i was absolutely anal. i'm sorry i scolded you about the q&n also, sue. ack! i know i screwed up mine too. i'm sorry i panicked and checked stuff tonnes of time and got upset over the music. honestly, i felt that we could have been better la. it pissed me that we had such plans, and tho we managed to carry out a lot of them, they were probably overshadowed by the mistakes. or were they? maybe i'm just picky. but i feel that the person deserved to know where he was wrong. if my members can tell me when i'm being anal or worrying too much, why can't i tell this person how much HELL he/she put me through, worrying shit about how he/she would perform? you might not feel the same, but you wouldn't know the nights i would call martin nearly crying over this stupid person, when i casually say i'm worried about this person, would you have guessed i genuinely worried for this person? granted the grade is an individual one, but as a group, i don't want anyone to fall. in many ways i'm very grateful for the people i have in my group.. and everyone contributed.. we had no real fights until this one where i lashed out.. everyone had different strengths, i would say, and we complemented each other so we were able to come this far together.. but when crystal said while watching other groups present that every group has someone who is anal and blablabla in a veiled manner, of coz, i was hurt because she couldn't see how much i felt for all of them, that what i wanted was for us to do well.. and it didn't upset me that i was doing things to help.. i wanted to.. but sometimes i think, crystal and fatma r the smart ones in the project, sue ann organises meetings, jian guang does the labour work and i get the anal stuff done. if i was a slack asshole, would we have come this far? i'm not saying i'm great, what i mean is that, they are the kind of people that say the smart stuff, and im the one who bothers (other than fatma) to put the stuff down in a physical form. i think... sighs.. nvm.. so its over now. they were probably right when they said it was no use scolding him/her, as he/she wouldn't understand. but i feel none of them understood how i felt. true i was just being anal, and he/she was prob just unlucky and got the bane of it, but now that pw is over, i feel nothing. no happiness, no regret, no more anger (now). i always love my pw group, but probably that i scolded him/her there is a strain now. there. it had to be my fault. like i said, everyone says what is correct, but im the person who had to put it down in a physical form, to spit it out. that's my job.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003 @ 09:31 p.m.
my mind of food
oh my god i haven't blogged in a week! hah! well i have been doing a coupla things after all ;P
1. Watching the Matrix
2. Stuffing myself with food and martin (haha does it sound suggestive there?)
3. WPOP which i will definitely elaborate
4. Watching tomcat.
Ah. enough for me to talk about tonight. For now, i'm off to meet my dearest FAREENA who has invited me home for breaking fast. WHEE! love fareena. love tassha huda saiyidah atiqah and NADIA! whom i have not met in a long time. whee-ums.
Ah. tomorrow we are all meeting! For tassha' birthday i think. wonderful! SIAM kitchen. whee whee they already booked! hehe!
foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood
Monday, November 10, 2003 @ 03:28 p.m.
headache
i feel like God took a holiday. sighs. okay i'm not supposed to be thinking about those kinda things anymore. ack. din't go church today coz shili was sick and i only fell asleep at 5. feeling queasy all sorts eh? well if my pw group is reading this, i'm not gonna do content coz it seems like all of you are doing the same. i'm gonna focus on the design of our powerpoint yeah? :)
seems like yasmin enjoys saying stuff on her blog bit and bit and OSTRACISING (in her own words) the rest of us.. ah soon i shall stop going to her blog since i get zilch of it anyways :P just kidding. feeling left out now.
ok feeling sick. i had to help shi li's pw group do this filming thingy.. was supposed 2 be the guy's girlfriend and i'm like dumping him now :P hehe but it wasn't fun at all! what do u say to someone when you want to break up? i've never done breakups in real life before. i'm a chicken. well, sorry shili dear if u expected more.. i know i was really sucky.. ack... love u hun..
Sunday, November 2, 2003 @ 05:01 p.m.
*sniff* look at what this quiz result is!!!!!
How Horny Are You? Find out!
Saturday, November 1, 2003 @ 09:39 p.m.
ah the sick one speaks!
well I have made up my mind that I will go for the easiest solution: ACTING. no puppetry coz i'm too bloody lazy to get any puppets done. heh. when i messaged lofty, he actually said, "i knew you would!" hahaahahah! that man is actually quite adorable. he kept scaring me when i said i would like to do set, or make-up or something. well i've been mucking around in bed coz i really don't feel well. think physical labour is not the thing for me. my head hurts so badly lar. and so does my whole body. creak. i can hear my neck. ouch.
i love my new earrings from shalini. they are so pretty :)
sorry to all the friendster haters ya, this is a love friendster post! mygoodness i'm so happy with friendster!! i mean, i actually found my msian classmates whom i thought that i had lost forever! like shinee, a cool friend of mine in CBN said, "thank god for friendster!" yes, for once i can say that the internet truly does something good... like showing the avenue for me to meet all my old friends again! gosh i feel like i'm in malaysia again. feel so happy happy happy!
and although sue says our group piece is pretty freaky, i'm really excited. i mean this is one issue that i'm dying to talk about. people always avoid talking abt the issues of the blacks, genital mutilations, inter-racial marriages, it's just evading the issue... trying to stay on the correct side of things. but we can't hide from it. things like this still happen. how can we be happy and think of our own superficial sadness when people suffer? i hope that we'll be able to handle these things in the group piece. i know its adventurous, but i'll be happy if we can at least try to step in and explore a little. should i give away a delight? we might be using masks. oh well we prob will. YAY! love my group!!!
oh yes, if anyone wants to tell me something about the blacks (i'm reading alice walker, our piece will prob be based on possessing the secret to joy) do mail me yups zekiut1@excite.com. :)
yes. some of you might have missed this post that got deleted when pitas crashed: my views when i read alice walker's possessing the secret of joy, about women's placing in society, genital mutilation, etc. currently i'm reading another book by her! :)
16/9
Feel strangely remorseful after reading Possessing The Secret of Joy by Alice Walker. Feel almost guilty that I'm part of a better world, not in any sense except that I did not have to go through genital multilatIon. In my head all this while I could only imagine distorted, ugly features of the vagina, but I never thought of the emotional suffering one woman might have to suffer under those circumstances. And being exposed to all these suddenly... it tears me apart. I feel like I'm being shaken from depths beyond what I can imagine. An awakening. That's what I suppose it is. It's terrifying... I wish I could stop Tashi's pain. over and over again I feel like crying for her first death, the encounter with such pain that removed all her joy. Can you imagine such pain of your privates being removed, and then sewn together??? People laughing at you, mocking you, hating you, for not being like them? It scares me so much. I don't want to imagine how unbearable the pain can actually be. nothing, nothing we will ever face, in our complaining, superficial youth, our materialistIc, lazy fucked up world, will we ever understand their pain. the feeling of uncleanliness, the smell, the predujice, the loss of innocence, the suffering... Nothing I say can ever make you understand, anyhow. If you who are reading this needs to feel compassion for others, if u want to see something beyond anything you have ever imagined, read this book. It will bring you from levels to levels of realisatIons, it brought me to intense emotions and such a jolting sensation of something... something I cannot describe.. I'm sorry. I cant put it into words. Feel disturbed beyond my own consciousness. I want to do something.. but what? what can we do? I just feel so immature suddenly. Yes. To always feel angry or upset or feeling cheated over trivial things. But yet I know I must thank God.. that I, we, are not the ones suffering the way they do. We have no right to complain about our pains.. What is the pain, our form of pain, compared to theirs? And yet, quietly, surrendering, they accept theIr position. Those wonderful, wonderful African womem.. but in the end they lose themselves in the pain, in the ignorance, in this RITUAL they are forced to accept, and they lose their own children ultimately, those who grow up in the same pain. Why can't this be stopped?
Friday, October 31, 2003 @ 10:34 p.m.
oh my goodness goody try this. you put an image thingy and you get something REALLY REALLY cool. i'm not kidding! so fun! martin's friend, martin did this!!
Monday, October 27, 2003 @ 08:13 p.m.
hopeimwrong
well correct me if i shouldn't be disgusted with people who pretend they don't study. i mean, if i tell you honestly what i did, i'd expect u to do the same too. right? i've never met people like i meet in vj. whoooooosh.
Monday, October 27, 2003 @ 07:47 p.m.
random
was having streaks of dreams in my sleep. First one started off quite sad as it involved my darling. suddenly i was trapped somewhere, no space to move, caged. and no one was there. kept screaming. help me. but he wasn't there.
then i was forced to wake up. i knew then i was sorry. sorry for quarreling with you last night. sorry. i miss you babes. sighs i think i have a huge ego problem. i can't deal with my own issues and i take it out on others. just like last night, what am i doing complaining about my tsd? i'm so sorry shili.. i don't mean to be blatant and complaining.. or inconsiderate. god. that's what i dont want to be. *looks down*
couldn't force myself out of bed with my huge cold and feverish head so i lumped back in bed.. but i knew at the back of my head was supposed to come for tsd.. class discussion.. fell back into slumber and i dreamt that poony was giving me a very sarcastic look, reminding me that they're already changing the viewing times for oedipus the rex coz we're not coming this wednesday.. then they gave out some huge poster leaflet thingy with some people's names and pictures on it, i was one of them. had me with a funny face, my caption read something like smarty- pants? and my comment was how im using my 'sickness' as an excuse to skip school.
sorry but that was so freaky i woke up immediately and came to school. no kidding. grar. now i gotta catch up on sleep in tsd room later. sighs. feeling melancholic. wish i could see him. there's so much left unsaid. so much i need to hear, so much reassurance and i think i feel sick.
oh yes. went out with weyL on friday.. had a good talk but you know what dear? my sister, younger than us, is wiser than us.. read this:
But I discovered that since SATAN is the God of this world, and not God, therefore, SATAN is the one who actually makes sure we are plagued by calamities.
She is true. I keep blaming god and getting angry at him over all that's been happening, now i don't want to go to church, but really, i think i know at the back of my mind that its not Him, its me, and its the devil.
phew. i gotta go prepare for math now.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003 @ 12:08 p.m.
rumours
פ°^§hï LÏ©^°¤× (11:20 PM) :
sighs. dont tell me abt martin checking out chicks.. got bad rumour today v pissed off already..
- = a l m e = - (11:21 PM) :
hahaha cuz u believe in rumors... that's y ur pissed...
that was me using shili's icq. its true. i do believe stupid rumours of some fucking bitch who thinks martin likes her. go to hell, loser. and i do hate it when alme says things like, oh martin was checking out some hot chick just now.
so maybe i'm insecure. but i hate it. i feel so sick i could vomit.
Friday, October 24, 2003 @ 11:23 p.m.
friendster
hoi i have joined friendster coz i decided i was vain enough to get friends!!! hehehe :) add me so i can feel lucky ya!!! yay yay yay!!!
Friday, October 24, 2003 @ 11:04 p.m.
swollen
My lips are swollen really badly and its not even because 1. I've been having a passionate make-out session or 2. I've been bitten by a hot man. Dammit. It's just an ugly white ulcer. I must be so lucky....
Friday, October 24, 2003 @ 12:24 p.m.
complaint
fuck so annoyed i can't find a nice picture of myself at this point in time either too small or i like but i dont think its good. and stupid phuong is saying its impossible to get a nice picture of me and i should just use pictures of her. what the hell.
Thursday, October 23, 2003 @ 11:02 p.m.
I'm so cool I talk to the principal
Walking past Mrs Chan she asked me how I did... ok la, not too good, but not bad that I should be complaining. Well I was returning my cup then.. feeling a little depressed coz I'm so broke and I'll be needing to start earning some money. HEH. If I make jewellery and sell, and it looks good, will you guys promise to buy from me???
ANYWAY. about mrs chan. She says she's been seeing a lot of people crying... thinks that things are looking quite bad, so I said, why don't we just moderate all the results, especially math? The econs and one of the science HODs were there too...... ERM. The econs teacher gave me a BAD, BAD look. Well Mrs chan said that they don't wanna make us SOFTIES and we must learn to face facts and something about how the exams are way harder than this. OH GOD.
Bah. I feel irritated coz all the scholar people did well and I feel inferior. INFERIORITY COMPLEX.
Thursday, October 23, 2003 @ 12:28 p.m.
pitas is back!!
ok my stupid pitas was screwed up so now i'm redoing it. hah stuff r gone and i dont really care. i hate this exams and i think all of you are screwed up like me.
Wednesday, October 22, 2003 @ 10:42 a.m.
|
|
|
