I got accepted in here (asianweb!! woohoo!) and here (stargazed * *). I love these people *muaks*

I've been thinking about it. Do you think it's selfish of me to think that I give so much but he doesn't give a damn? Sometimes I really get frustrated and MAD, furious at him, and even more furious at myself. I think he doesn't care sometimes, that he doesn't really, need me; that this existance of our relationship isn't neccessary for him.

But I know deep down, really, that he cares. That he bothers to remember the things I like; that he will call, eventhough its costly; that he likes going out with me; that he will wait for me, no matter how late; that he worries, that he loves me.

But then, love isn't everything, it isn't all you need. You need more than that, right? Someone please try explaining all these to me. Please.

The whole day I've been waiting for him. I hear the dog bark, I open my balcony door. I keep walking outside whenever I hear a car pass by. I worry while we're out at dinner, if he won't have the key to come in.

Feel reallllllly sick now. Thus the terrrible effects of Rachel not sleeping the whole night to play bridge and going for roti at 630am and forcing the (salty)food down her sleeping system. Even a 7 hour nap did not help. pooooooi.

I feel like puking all my dinner now. Yuckyuck. Still no water in my house. The water in the tankee (is that how you spell it?) is running out. Argh. I hope there's water to bathe tomorrow still. Mwuahahah. I think there's something wrong with nadia. She looks vainer. LOL. She now has long(er) hair, wears contact lenses, waxed, got her ears pierced, and buys girly shirts. Hah.

I went for a party today. It was a church's youth group party, but no one told me anything. So I went there, awkward, different, annoyed with my friend for pulling me along. I wanted to leave. And then I thought, ok, maybe it isn't that bad. So my friend who brought us there, Kenneth, left me and Suet Yee (Who brought a Japanese friend) along, and went off to do some stuff. And then I got very mad. I mean, if you bring people, you should at least have enough responsibility to take care of us, not leave us there to rot! Plus, while walking to the party, he was very rude and walked in front, leaving me, Suet Yee and her Japanese friend behind. So I went up to him, me being all bossy, big-mouthed, and opinionated, and scolded him for what he was not doing. This Kenneth apologised and got us some spaghetti and bread. So we thought, hey, my scolding worked!

Trust me, that party was so not party. All the guys that went there were obviously there to scout for girls. Those who already knew each other were pretty much comfortable with each other, no one was keen on making new friends (exceot those guys, of course). Kenneth is not a comfortable guy to talk to. And he kept walking here and there. We were bloody irritated, and counting the SECONDS by then.

After eating, we were hauled to the carpark for some "ice-breakers". The ideas were kinda cool, actually, but the people were so unsporting, it exasperated me so badly. We were grouped into our month-of-birth, and the first game was something like musical chairs, only we passed coins around and whoever was stuck with the coin was forfeited. They were supposed to make "MERRY CHRISTMAS" with their butts (the improvised Mississippi game) but eck, those people just bent and squat and simply refused to shake. The second game was called snowflakes, and we were grouped into 2 groups and given two snowballs (newspapers crushed up) each. The aim of the game was to have more snowballs in the other team's area. In this game, all the groups played cheat, and eventhough my group won overall, even we didn't play fair. It was a stupid "ice-breaker". I can't even remember the name of the girl next to me.

Then we sang Christmas songs. I really wish that they had chosen funner, more livelier songs. Those songs that they chose, although nice, but were extremely draggy and long, which contributed firsthand to my pounding head. After that we were given candles and were asked to each thank God for something as we lighted our candles. Hey, I don't mind thanking God, but not in front of a whole bunch of strangers! I am so not gonna pour out my life story or anything! Of course, everyone seemingly had the same idea, because everyone's speech was kinda vague, or fake. It was weird. Really. And then we cut a cake for Jesus (that was cute.). Oh, and the exchanging of presents. Erhm, I got a pack of Pringles, by the way. Heh.

Later as Ah Loong (a nice guy, maybe past his teens, since he wasn't part of the youth) sent me back. He was a nice guy, and we talked about a lot of stuff. Heh. I find Kenneth still the same as he used to be, over-adultish in all the wrong ways. He didn't learn how to have fun, all these years in VI. It was weird seeing him the exact same way he was 4 years ago. And the same hairstyle even. Ah Loong said that people who study in Singapore are different, in their manner of speech and maturity. But I envy the naivety of Suet Yee, and the people there. While observing the hosts (since they were in front of me practically half the time), they were teasing each other about who was prettier, and stuff like that. It was cute. It was... I dunno. It was something I hardly ever saw, anymore.

1. Know how to make you smile when you are down.
2. Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice.
3. Stick up for you, but still respect your independence.
4. Give you the remote control during the game.
5. Come up behind you and put his arms around you.
6. Play with your hair.
7. His hands always find yours.
8. Be cute when he really wants something.
9. Offer you plenty of massages.
10. Dance with you, even if he feels like a dork.
11. Never run out of love.
12. Be funny, but know when to be serious.
13. Realize he's being funny when he needs to be serious.
14. Be patient when you take forever to get ready.
15. React so cutely when you hit him and it actually hurts.
16. Smile a lot.
17. Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like to do,just because he knows it means a lot to you.
18. Appreciate you.
19. Help others out.
20. Drive 5 hours just to see you for 1.
21. Always gives you a peck on the cheek when you depart from each others company, even when his friends are watching.
22. Sing, even if he can't.
23. Have a creative sense of humor.
24. Stare at you.
25. Call for no reason.

I miss my childhood. I miss being young and innocent and not knowing anything. I miss the times when people were genuine, when you could trust some one so completely and fully. I can't believe you, do you know that? How can I, when I know where you're headed towards? How can I hope, when there isn't any?

My mum wants a lot from me, so I really need to do well for my exams. If I don't get in VJ, I won't even be able to trust myself, or have any confidence in me. I can feel it, slipping away; those cheers, advice, hope, fading away from me, slowly. Failure doesn't make a person, really. It ruins you, sort of. Makes you crumble and fall. You could mend a broken house with the finest equipment, but it'll never be the same again.

Woke up this morning and found 2 fallen eyelashes. I wonder who misses me, and if the person I miss misses me. Just talked to that person just now, he seems a little different, a little distant, a little distracted. I dunno. Maybe it's just me.

Erp. I just did the ultimate iq test. Not very pleasing, its above average, but this david has a really high score. Feeling very inferior here. Argh.

Anybody has any suggestions on what I should buy for Martin this christmas? I'm feeling a little stupid. Been scouting for a present for him everytime I go out, but I just can't seem to decide. Or like anything.