i ate too much today. i had to drink peppermint bubble tea to make everything digest. from bakkutteh in the morning (one entire leg plus 2 big chunks of meat with oily rice, yum) to lunch with curry squid, soup, fish, and rice, my mother forced me to eat chocolate cake. then they forced me to eat watermelon. finally dinner was huge and we feasted on 2 big prawn dishes, 2 crab dishes, 2 fish dishes..... *burp* I think I have indigestion. I also think my family is totally different from my mother's side family. My 2 female cousins are living with their boyfriends, they think I am an innocent 20-year-old who has never been attached. They also have blonde hair, and they can't really speak english. My male cousin is 21, yet he looks and acts so much older than me. Like a man. He actually works one of our uncle's ramen shop, by himself. He brings his girlfriend home too. They all barely finished form 5 (secondary school). They are all goodlooking (my eyes come from my mother). They are a huge family, with 5 children. I'm not sure what to feel, but I felt very young and childish and weirdly out of place today with my relatives. Maybe its cos everytime we meet, its in Ipoh in their place, where everything matches. I think I should grow up. But I don't really want to. I just noticed I switched from "i"s to "I"s in this post. I hope you understand what I'm trying to see, what I'm trying to articulate here.

I just watched Eternal Sunshine, I really like it. Its sad and touching and this is the first time I found Jim Carrey attractive and a good actor. Ever. I'm wondering what it will ever be like if I tried to erase you from my memory. And since that is impossible, I wonder if one day we will meet again and history would repeat itself. I think thats what it is. You can never stop something from happening, or forget about something that happened. Why do u think wars keep happening? Human err. Basic instincts never, never go away. I think I'm rather fearful that I will never get married. I told charmaine that today. She laughed at me and said I was still young.

I am already 20. Today I am single.

Tomorrow we vist my grandmother. I think I am typing weirdly today, but this is what I want to say.

Hello sue, and goodnite :)
wheezed on Saturday, June 4, 2005 at 11:51 p.m.

secrets

Confronting your deepest darkest secret can be very scary, but it can also set you free. I am so fascinated reading Postsecret, because it brings me into another person's life, and at some points, lets me realise I'm not really alone in this world. I want to share a secret with someone as well.

I might switch journals soon.

This is my favourite post secret cos its frivolous (but it doesn't mean I think any less of the others, this is just easier to laugh at, I dont wanna bring in any tension, thats why)..
wheezed on Friday, June 3, 2005 at 09:35 p.m.

tiresome whining

I hate everything. Why do I have everything everyone else desires in the world, but they don't make me happy? Why do I feel so unbearable depressed, why do I keep binging myself, what makes me such a horrid bitch to others, why am I the way I am? Today I made a lot of people angry, just because I was heartless and rude, Elisa sorry if I pissed you off, being inconsiderate of your tiredness. I can't stop scratching myself cos I'm so irritated and restless and I can't stop thinking about everything.

And last night I had a nightmare that I went to NTU and I couldn't do math, everyone, including the professor hated me, and I was fucking depressed. Go figure.
wheezed on Friday, June 3, 2005 at 01:23 a.m.

if i carry up with this the way i do, i am very, very sure that i will become obese eventually. MIA WILL BE MY NEW RELIGION AND BEST FRIEND!!! i ate like, 7 of these massively sugar icing coated cupcakes today. AFTER dinner. plus 4 packets of mamee I stuck down my throat continuously. *oink*

and 5 of these, i'm still counting. damn the package never ends mwuhahahahahaah

wheezed on Wednesday, June 1, 2005 at 08:06 p.m.

sign this!!!!!

A petition to ban steven lim

haha!
wheezed on Tuesday, May 31, 2005 at 04:12 p.m.

woohoo!

i think this is probably the first year where so many people are going to NTU, MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

yay!
wheezed on Tuesday, May 31, 2005 at 03:50 p.m.

i like these, they are mine.

they are from ALDO.
they cost me $39SGD.
they are too big for me.
i stuff tissue paper on the edges.
they give a cute clanking sound when i walk in them.
i love my pinkpumps.
i made a new email address: pinkpumps@gmail.com.

these are my cute little pumps.
say "hello".

thank you.
wheezed on Monday, May 30, 2005 at 06:23 p.m.

no turning back..

You have accepted the offer of ASEAN UNDERGRADUATE SCHOLARSHIP to pursue your undergraduate course in PSYCHOLOGY.

The scholarship will commence from academic year 2005-06 and is tenable for the minimum period of your course of study. It will cover the tuition fee directly payable by student (after Tuition Grant) and a living allowance of $4,300 per annum.

no regrets alright? lili my roommate here i come!! i hope lili is accepting ntu too, lol
wheezed on Monday, May 30, 2005 at 01:22 p.m.

I AM BANNING MYSELF FROM SHOPPING FROM NOW ON TILL THE 15TH OF JUNE. YESTERDAY I BOUGHT 1 SKIRT, 1 DRESS FROM ABERCROMBIE AND SHARED 2 SKIRTS WITH LIZZIE (YEP THAT KINDA MAKES IT 2 SKIRTS IN TOTAL). PLUS MY NICOLETTE DENIM IS HERE. THAT MAKES IT 3 DAMN SKIRTS. TO DATE, I THINK I HAVE ALMOST 20 DAMN SKIRTS FROM ABERCROMBIE/HOLLSITER after selling the rest SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes so i am going to ban myself from spending. i'll just pay up the rest of my mess from this week (a gold belt, 2 more abercrombie skirts yikes!!!) and thats it. goodbye crazy shopper rachel, hello oh holy saint who will not shop :D
wheezed on Saturday, May 28, 2005 at 02:37 p.m.

*cough*

I take back all the bad things I say about my parents. When I decided to go to NTU I think they felt bad and thought I was doing it to please them, cos now they are drawing up the options for NUS and telling me that they would support me if I wanted to do Law instead.

Yucks I hate myself I am a spoilt brat. But I also know what I should do in life, I don't wanna let them pay for something I know I won't really wanna do for the rest of my life, I guess.

I think, I am lucky, and I shouldn't complain about my life.
wheezed on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 10:44 p.m.

i really like fatma a lot

this is what u call a mark of friendship and support, hahahaahah :D

[definitely.maybe.] says:
i love u for depriving some ppl of a place at law haha

muacks darling <3

EDIT:
fatma is taking on the challenge of finding rachie tops like these:

wheezed on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 09:15 p.m.

I can be so silly. what am I doing trying to kid myself that I would really and truly have a passion for law just because just because just because. I'll be taking the NTU route unlike you all, and I'll try to make my life there the way I want it to be. If the toilets are dirty I'll just move out later hahahahaha :)

I think what I really miss is having your support at this point in my life. You're gone, and I survived this all by myself. Okay and bugging shili and james all the time (I love you people) but I dealt with it in the end, yes I did. Sadly/Fortunately enough, this isn't the first time but its given me courage to move right on and not look back. Just like the way I do things - I've shot it out, its over, goodbye. I wonder when you'll be back though, cos I'm scared, somehow, someway that everything will be lost.

So I've caved out this way for myself, I believe that God will guide me through my life anyway, so who cares if psychology grads are jobless, I'd have a job won't I? Because I believe that you'll provide for me Yes and Amen =) I want so hard to see my future now though, because sometimes I just feel so lost and that everything is bleak.. and I seem to cry so very often nowadays, I'm getting so emotional like that. When I try to talk to anyone the tears just fall out. I think Im getting rather unstable its not even funny, heh.

So to make me feel better, today I paid for these:

Yeah its been a long day (I paid that by selling my JC dress + someone paid me back).
wheezed on Friday, May 27, 2005 at 12:43 a.m.

good luck to all!!

THE NUS ASEAN SHORTLISTED PEOPLE zee shingy siewsze!!! and siew sze thanks for my bday pres and dearie i love you!!! muacks glad we had a good time together anyways =) and thanks shili for the treat, :)

:)

I wish my letter would come soon, but I think even if I am offered the ASEAN, I still have to go to NTU. ITs alright though, cos I realised that I don't hate Psych + Socio, I just hate the NTU Campus (I heard the toilets are dirty) I just soo soo want to go to the NUS campus instead so that would make me hate my parents eventually--- but at least I have someone to blame then. Haha I'm childish and immature but thats what my circumstances force me to be when I have parents that try to dictate their life for you, and never been satisfied with what you get.

So I'm passing for this chance of a lifetime to do law in NUS, which seems so prestigious. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH what to do, even my dad's against it. I quote him "So many lawyers nowadays are taxi drivers"!!!!!!!!!!!. And his friend "Law is excellent except careerwise" =X =X Nevermind, and a friend who is ever so helpful when u ask for advice since she's already in law goes, "It all depends if you're made for law. I know I am." Yeah whatever. And don't anyone one of you dare to come up to me anymore and tell me "I hate you cos you got into Law but you're rejecting it when so many ppl want it like me" Cos I don't get a choice in this. don't judge me when you dunno me unless u wanna talk to my parents about it. Heh. I'm just tired of fighting with them I guess =(

Thank you to all who tried to make me see clearly, who tried to give their advice (even Sue darling sorry for snapping), and especially those who didn't and made me realise how much I do love you, actually. Nikki is right, fair weather friends. Those who only give a damn about themselves. Yeah whatever, since I'm going to ARTS anyway I shall be a super bimbo yay!!!!! Fareena says if I'm going to be going there, I might as well be happy........ BUT WHAT ON EARTH AM I GOING TO BE HAPPY ABOUT??????

I need someone to tell me how great the NTU campus is please, cos I sure as hell dunno. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
wheezed on Thursday, May 26, 2005 at 09:34 a.m.

sigh

i helped my mum pluck her eyebrows today, and i realised how she was already so old, i should just give in to her.

oh, the sacrifices you make for your parents, cant wait for my children to sacrifice for me :X
wheezed on Wednesday, May 25, 2005 at 12:34 a.m.

ONLINE SHOPPING COMPLAINT!

I am so pisssed with Urban Outfitters they pended money from my debit card TWICE?????!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Thats $300++ SGD MIND YOU.

I'm gonna cry.
wheezed on Sunday, May 22, 2005 at 12:38 a.m.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

i'm upset. i think someone found her way through my links and is fighting with me for something I WANNA BUY. :( yucks.
wheezed on Saturday, May 21, 2005 at 10:32 a.m.

my new capris!!!

Seeing as how much I LOVE GREEN, I wanted to share my lastest haul from Old Navy. its so pretty =) =) =) The lighting in the room's a bit bad though, my body looks ORANGE! hahahahahaahah -blushes-

Thats how it looks! Excuse the messy table, thank you!!

Erm I had to stand on a chair to get the full view :P




And a gratituous butt shot :)

wheezed on Friday, May 20, 2005 at 08:30 p.m.

i love jasmine

jasmine dearie congrats!!! for being able to go to UK. i think its a great thing for you- God's plan for u in your life, you blessed blessed girl!! Thank you for remembering me and my listening to you paid off!! Shall put this in WORDS so u remember for ever :P

(Jas)He hung the Stars and He holds your Heart, so don't Ever be afraid says:
i promise to buy u smth from every summer or post xmas sale

hahahah i'm a shameless hussy :P
wheezed on Friday, May 20, 2005 at 07:31 p.m.

help!

This gorgeous greek goddess offered to help me make something like this.... I need ideas. Do I want it cutesy like hers, with buttons/lace, or simple and just in one color? :)
wheezed on Friday, May 20, 2005 at 01:56 p.m.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

NUS Law (i think i need to go for interview) or NTU Psych+Socio (confirmed ASEAN)??? I hate choices. =X
wheezed on Thursday, May 19, 2005 at 07:09 p.m.

sigh

When will the prices of these ever go down!!!

Yeah just to clarify, most of the money I get for shopping online is from my own money making devices, not mummy and daddy too!! :P :P :P my parents don't pay for a single one of my abercrombies!! LOL.
wheezed on Thursday, May 19, 2005 at 11:40 a.m.

phew

looks like KL is the next place to be! Hahaha. Following alme and heidi's departure, Nikki and Christine are taking a trip down. The week after that Phuong will be coming. Between that somewhere in the middle I think Vel, Daphnee, Lele and gang are coming too. Wooot. Looks like I'm gonna be busy and broke!!! :P
wheezed on Wednesday, May 18, 2005 at 05:10 p.m.

shameless plug for my bday presents

yeah alright i'll admit i'm such a bag whore, these are the bags i've received for my bday!!! big thank you to all!!! muacks i appreciate all the gifts, and even more the well-wishers cos its enough to know that i'm remembered :) thanks to everyone, muacks! here's my big coming-into-the-age-20!!

yeah i know there's still the yellow old navy clutch + the AE bag + my heart tote. what am i gonna do with so many bags? yay!
wheezed on Wednesday, May 18, 2005 at 02:32 p.m.

random

I think some people aim too high, and thats why when they can't reach their aims they get so damn upset and blame the world. Sometimes, just sometimes, its better to be more accepting and appreciative of the good things that come along your way as well.

Thanks gwen for the cute zara bag, i LOVE it, and thanks to lili my ultimate darling for getting me the lovely pair of gold pumps i wore around my house today -blushes-

wheezed on Wednesday, May 18, 2005 at 12:24 a.m.

money issues

OMG i officially hate my parents today. I got the NTU Asean, so I was telling my mum that she could just pay for my accomodation and I'd settle the remaining myself, once I'm in Uni. And do you know WHAT SHE SAID??????????

Lets just say it made me cry. I hate my mum sometimes. Doesn't she realise already that I am already making the entire university life SO GODDAMN SIMPLE for her? What daughter goes all out to ensure her parents don't have to F-ing pay for any university she wants to go to? C'mon, at this point I'm even SERIOUSLY contemplating just agreeing to NTU cos its the secure choice of a scholarship. I don't even know how all these will affect the outcome of my life, yet I'm so bent on NOT relying on her for my education - yeah my dad can't provide for my full education - and yet she can't even see it. What is $240SGD a month for ACCOMODATION compared to $160thousand ringgit or so if I had insisted I wanted to go to UK to study? US-$200thousand ringgit.

I really, really, really don't get it. Its not as if we're poor. When we were young they told us investing in the houses was for our education. Fuck that "education talk". Now its time for education, suddenly they don't wanna sell anything.

Tell me what I've gotta do with a mother like that. And she dares to complain all the time that when I'm old I won't take care of her. You see?
wheezed on Tuesday, May 17, 2005 at 12:08 p.m.

more thanks :)

to ngeeshin, shili, yun, teck chew, jenna, yiphon & james (did i miss anyone out?) for the pretty butterfly clutch! :)

wheezed on Monday, May 16, 2005 at 11:54 p.m.

pre---

IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY YET, BUT I REALLY *HEART* ALL THE DARLING TSD/A52 PEOPLE WHO ARE SHARING MY GIFT THAT I KNOW WHAT IT IS. hehe :P muacks :P I love you loads :)
wheezed on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 at 11:59 p.m.

imsuch abrat

i'm so bratty :(

I made peijun share these for me:

UHOH.

thankyou peijun!!!!! i heart you :D
wheezed on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 at 03:00 p.m.

imsuch abrat

i'm so bratty :(

I made peijun share these for me:

UHOH.
wheezed on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 at 03:00 p.m.

inferiority complex

For awhile, this looked like a serious case of "i'm just not good enough!!" from the vjc survey:

5. Complete the following: RJC = premium, HCJC = established, VJC = ??

Then I realised it was for ME to fill in all the great things I felt about my school :D :D :D
wheezed on Wednesday, May 11, 2005 at 09:47 a.m.

i want:

cutesy weird totes from here or here or here

I'm so tired.

EDIT:
nicenice sandra is getting me this:

I *heart* this lady :)
wheezed on Tuesday, May 10, 2005 at 01:13 a.m.

therapy

Deleting old livejournal entries can be so therapeutic :)

I think deleting written (or typed) proof of your unhappy emotions is a cathartic one. I know people who would write down all their unhappiness then tear them apart into pieces and feel better. In Marry A Rich Guy, sammi cheng vents all her frustrations on water in a bottle, then she pours them away. Sweet. I never realised how deleting away a part of my unhappiness to start all over again could be so refreshing. Better times for me, perhaps? :)

Something I couldn't bear to remove:
"he loves me but i will never believe it. i will always force him to the point where one day, he wont look back anymore and he will never love me and my heart will break forever and i wont be me anymore. "

Surprisingly, I am still me.
wheezed on Monday, May 9, 2005 at 12:33 p.m.

relationships

I'm sorry that I was a bitch to you just now. I guess I kinda wanted to upset you cos, well, I dunno. Its one of those things you wanna do to someone who doesn't care for you anymore. HAR HAR.

Anyway I've shamelessly changed my nick to "16th of May is on the way!"

I believe I'm going maaaaaaaad these days, due to the overwhelming shopping. I will stop from tomorrow onwards, I give everyone my word. Maybe then I'll become saner. :) do people turn older when they are 20? Will I have any significant changes? Bahhh.

My parents are back! Mum got me a pair of chandelier earrings, 2 pink faux pearl ones :) and 2 long skirties. Not the bohemian ones I showed her though, hahhaha! Its alright though, I'm still happy cos they are both back and I *heart* them to pieces!

I love my 3 dogs. Shall take pics of them soon. Today I spent time giving all my pets a good lovin'. Especially my cat.... She really cheers me up no matter what or when or where. I've decided she'll be the new love of my life!

Oh yes, another friend of mine seems to be falling into the "I can't get over my ex" syndrome. I'm recommending "He's just not that into you" book - not because it's a good book, but because it'll subtly let her know that its over. Extreme, frivolous and pretentious book, but it'll do for now. Especially when we keep finding excuses for men who can't bring themselves to tell the truth. Then again, when they do tell the truth, don't we call them selfish for hurting our feelings? I suppose, either way, when its over, its a lose-lose situation for the "victim".

Have a nice day, all! :)
wheezed on Monday, May 9, 2005 at 12:17 a.m.

I NEED TO STOP BUYING

- over the past week, courtesy of a few sales i've made, i managed to get:

2 AE eagles polo
1 green old navy capris
2 abercrombie minis
1 juicy couture tube dress
1 abercrombie tank top

I'm also gonna be collecting my:

gap rainslicker hobo
ON kids polo tee
10 or more so tarts
2 hollister tank tops
1 sophie kids mini

I will get 2 peasant skirts too.

Shit. Shit. What am I doing with my life? I better get birthday monies man -oops-

I think i need to get out of self-pity mode like RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW. =X
wheezed on Sunday, May 8, 2005 at 12:42 a.m.

random

Sometimes you forget that you're not supposed to be thinking like this--- Nicole was talking about the Zoo and I realised I had fond memories of the zooo

*attempts to wipe them away*

I'm still waiting to understand the path and destiny of my life.
wheezed on Saturday, May 7, 2005 at 01:01 a.m.

i like her:

pure, innocent, sweet- read Beautifully Broken
wheezed on Friday, May 6, 2005 at 04:24 p.m.

and here's another one to friendship; 03a52:

Okay, gotta give the ones who are leaving the headstart: =(

lynn. no, wait, LYNN!!!!!! hehehe that's more like it! babes i wanna watch your musical with yassie in it before you leave to the US- Gosh I'm gonna miss you so much. I do too, you'll always be my friend and I'll be so proud of you when u make it big one day, if you get to Broadway, I'd be down there saying to all the people around me, "that's my friend! that's my darling friend in year 1 before she and michelle got together, hurhur :P" No la, lynn, I still love you and I always will - you know, if you need anything or just wanna talk, you know where to find the 24/7 online girl =)

yas! oh my god yas i dunno what my life would be without you to feed me all my daily updates and brighten up my life with all your funny stories- just looking at you makes me wanna smile. ups and downs, roundabouts - i'm so glad to have found a friend in you. don't u dare change to become a boring old fart in germany - i somehow doubt you will though... LUCKY YOU EATING hugeyummy SAUSAGES ALL DAY!!! hehehhe =) oh babes i'll never forget you and i hope you'll never forget me either. come to KL soon and we'll spend a proper whackin' good time together! *muacks*

the rest of you are not leaving right? hehe i'll write u later. rushing out now *kisses*
wheezed on Friday, May 6, 2005 at 12:51 p.m.

just a shoutout:

book darling - I LOVE YOU!!! =)
wheezed on Thursday, May 5, 2005 at 11:40 p.m.

friendship

We should all realise that eventually we start "losing" friends. Yes, its sad, but very very REAL and we all gotta face that eventually.Like, a friend told me, "i think im running out of friends".

The thing is, once people leave, I don't think they stay the same. You don't stay the same too. After awhile, it doesn't really matter, the friendship doesn't really keep up, you can't be bothered either. There are some friends I'd still give my right limb to help and be there for even though I rarely meet them: Weyling, Suetyee, Nad, the wonderful anderson bunch - to me its all still the same, whenever we meetup again; but for some, its now the "hi" "bye" relationship that can't turn back anymore.

You do know its partly your fault though, for not keeping in touch. Like the guy said, its like you're glass. Its not they don't meet you, its just there's nothing there already. I hate this idea of transcience - but thats what our lives are. Especially at this stage of our lives when we are still so bloody young and yet we keep facing departures- in and ou t of our lives.

Oh goddammit. He made me depressed too.
guess I just want everyone out there to know, that I LOVE YOU, and even if one day we stop becoming friends - and ignore each other on the streets or run out of things to say - I'll still remember when you were my friend, and I did care for you very much.

Big hug!
wheezed on Thursday, May 5, 2005 at 10:52 p.m.

i think this whole astrology thing fascinates me.....

'cos I just got myself a free reading! talk about hitting the nail RIGHT on the head about my personality- just from reading my birthdate! Here it is, see for yourself whether u really know rachel lim ;)

SECTION I: How rachel Relates to Other People

Sun Opposition Saturn with an orb of less than 1/2 degree

Your self-esteem is based less upon what you are in your own or others' eyes than on what you do. You may become so compulsive about achievement that you cannot relax into a warm, enduring relationship until you have achieved some success in your career.

Mercury Opposition Pluto with an orb of less than 1/2 degree

You're not awfully good at being disagreed with. You delve into matters, think them through thoroughly and expect your conclusions to be universally shared. Flexibility is not your strong suit. No one should try to lie to you or keep things from you. Somehow you ferret out others' secrets although you keep your own.

Mercury Trine Neptune with an orb between 1/2 and 1 degree

You know things intuitively as well as rationally and have a rare capacity to perceive in others feelings, thoughts and dreams they may never have openly shared. Anyone close to you would have to share your love of music and interest in spiritual thought.

Venus Sextile Mars with an orb of less than 1 degree

Your love nature and your sexual nature are happily in harmony. You're comfortable with your sexual role as you perceive it and rarely go for any period of time without an intimate relationship. You need love, go after it and always manage to find it.

Mercury Sesquiquadrate Uranus with an orb of less than 1 degree

Brilliant and original as you are, you can also be difficult and unpredictable. Close ties may complain they never know when you are going to show up or what you're planning next. You are easily bored and love people who can both stimulate and surprise you.

Venus Trine Uranus with an orb between 3 and 5 degrees

There is nothing humdrum about the way that you love. You have a flair for the unusual and the creative and are drawn to those who shun the conventional. You shy away from those who tend to be over-possessive. Your love affairs are also wonderful friendships.

Venus Sextile Jupiter with an orb between 1 and 5 degrees

Yours was an indulged childhood with lots of love and lots of cookies. You have a generous nature both emotionally and materially and people are usually pleased to provide you with the love and creature-comforts you both require and cheerfully give.

-especially the cookies part, how the hell did the person know my mum makes me cookies all the time?!?!?!!?!?
wheezed on Thursday, May 5, 2005 at 02:09 a.m.

even friendster supports my shopping!

Shop around to get the best deal -- the time you'll spend is worth it.

Mwuahahahhaahah. Anyway am feeling rather lethargic today. I quit my job. I read love stories. I feel all happy and satisfied inside but I yearn something more too. I want to go to Uni! Most importantly I hope I get ASEAN - lord please let me get it - so I can go back to SG and be slightly worry free about money issues:

This is my argument. If I get the ASEAN the parents won't have to pay for uni education. So they'll be more willing to give me extraextra pocket monies.

If I have to end up paying for myself, I won't even DARE ask them for allowance. Plain and simple, I'm waiting for the grand day when everything will be revealed to me. If I don't get what I want, I'm scared of what will happen to me. Sure the parents will pay, but its me that will feel horribly guilty. I really don't know what to think at the moment but it can get quite scary.

Someone please hug me, cos hugging myself isn't anything fun at all. It makes me sad. =(
wheezed on Thursday, May 5, 2005 at 01:48 a.m.

yummy me =)

Your Seduction Style: The Charismatic

You're beyond seductive, you're downright magnetic! You life live and approach seduction on a grand scale. You have an inner self confidence and energy that most people lack It's these talents that make you seem extraordinary - and you truly are!

wheezed on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 at 11:28 p.m.

im addicted to friendster horoscopes:

ooooooooooooh look at the one today!

Today's Forecast

This is prime time for a secret admirer to surface. If there's someone out there who's been paying quite a bit of attention to you lately, stop thinking you're imagining it. You're not. Now decide what to do about it.

C'mon out now my darling admirer! Mwuahahahahahah~
wheezed on Wednesday, May 4, 2005 at 12:51 a.m.

wheee!

I can feel something good will happen to me soon!!!!!!!!!

Btw I find the friendster horoscope thing really very funny! But kinda scarily accurate as well. Look at my forecast today:

Forget last night's power struggle. It's over. Way over. Today you're in the mood to make promises, hear them recited back to you, and do everything you can to make those promises come true.

wheezed on Tuesday, May 3, 2005 at 04:30 p.m.

bleargh

what are u offering me? was there ever this place for me?
wheezed on Monday, May 2, 2005 at 09:52 p.m.

=\

martin yu! im pissed off that u went off halfway when i was venting out my thoughts. how evil of u. heehee

that said i feel a little better. i went ebaying again, heh.

what the hell am i doing up at 4 in the morning? i guess its past my bedtime- thats what. looking through my friendster and i realised that people change so much, sometimes u can barely recognise them. i just thank god for those that i can still talk to, rely on and will be there for me forever.

the law test & interview really sucked for me. its alright though, whatever god puts in my way i'll take it, i'm already thankful for everything. =) if i don't get the asean though, i think i'd feel damn stupid. life may seem to be unfair sometimes but there's a certain extent where too much is too much and u'll lash out. not yet, not now. i'm still calm, still hoping, still waiting.

moving on isn't that difficult, but why do people keep looking back? ive been having dreams of my past(S) very recently, images of people who have come and gone from my life - the kind that loved and hurt me - recurring images of togetherness and then separation again. its scary. what is it that i yearn for now? definitely not the past.. right? perhaps a chance to do everything i did wrongly from the start of my life? no way. i don't want to look back =( i think i'm rather confused now, thats what.

people all around me have weird relationship problems. its kinda bizarre and a bit relieving to stand clear, free of judgement and my own problems to help others see theirs clearly - or not. i think as time passes, even i have become rather cynical about it all. perhaps a long time from now when it no longer matters to me anymore, all these childplay, thats when i'll look back and laugh at everything, no?

i thought i would ask you some things about the future, but i realise now i don't need to. even on the most basic of basic points, it never really mattered to you. i want to curl up in my bed and forget it, then! i want to declare it out loud!

i'm tired. its time to sleep. goodbye.

NB: reading this again i realise it doesn't entirely capture my feelings at this point, but its been such a long time since i was able to articulate how i feel about anything.
wheezed on Monday, May 2, 2005 at 4.15 a.m.

i'm in a little weird happy nostalgic mood now

oops didnt update... i'm a bit tired at the moment, heh. had a nice time in sg, spent time with my bestie ;) and went to the holiay inn to hear cal and gen sing. wow *whistles* way to go girls, you sound so good! i also went to the ntu school of hss tea party, i ate so much there, basically, went for 3rd helpings! haha. but it was good, i dunno, i kinda liked them and i think its quite fascinating to be the 1st batch of something. if law doesn't turn out well, i'll be heading over to ntu instead of nus! sorry to my lovelies, but i'm gonna be a nice and happy girl in ntu so i don't make the school look so dead! LOL. martin, you deserve a hug from putting up with my angry outburst that day, was just upset cos u said u'll feed me but we only ate once, heh. take care!!! i'll miss u when u fly off to penn *CRIES*

oh gosh. i'm so unprepared for everything.

I LOVE CHARMAINE COS I'M GONNA BE GETTING THIS BAG FOR MY BIRTHDAY!!!! thank you to all who will share, you're making me soo happy already. muacks!

wheezed on Tuesday, April 26, 2005 at 12:36 a.m.

auekfnekgnejkhekuheu

Alright. I'm scared and really really upset. I think I need to go and calm down, read Job or something. Cannot start to blame God if nothing goes right for me academically. It's not His fault, its mine. It's mine. It's mine. It's mine. I just want to cuddle up to someone who cares and cry. =( where are my interviews? Why must my rejections be so damn brutal? =(
wheezed on Sunday, April 24, 2005 at 12:05 a.m.

i'm sad cos i realised i still love u but u're going away forever.
wheezed on Tuesday, April 19, 2005 at 12:24 a.m.

a self-absorbed entry

ive decided i will be bitter with my life. why aren't i give the choices which i should have? is it because i was too indifferent to go and GRAB them myself? did i need to? must life really be this rat race, else u stay behind and die mercilessly? i'm quite sad about it.

no, michigan didn't reply me yet, but im not hopeful cos arent all acceptance/rejection letters due 1st may? oh don't bother about them, i guess.

and i don't think i'm getting any overseas scholarships cos i've got no response from the ppl i applied from. its rather sad, in a way, cos i feel like the results are wasted, like if i wasn't gonna get the chance for anything, why let me have these results to be happy? i dunno, just feel kinda.... blah. like, so useless. everything is useless, kinda like me at the moment.

then i've been thinking about relationships with people. i realised how important my TSD a levels were to me, cos till today, people who didn't come and didn't support me still hurt. i suppose u try and forget about it, but its so difficult. i still remember all your excuses, and how it hurt so much cos i had worked so hard, just so i could prove myself to everyone, and i needed the encouragement.

to those that attended at least one performance, i just wanna say thank you, and in a way, i'll always be grateful and appreciative admist all my failures in life, cos i'll always remember that there are people who care about me.
wheezed on Monday, April 11, 2005 at 12:31 a.m.

Aunt agony makes sense!!

Something that caught my eye while reading the paper today, from the Aunt Agony section. Heh. How very very true..

"I read somewhere that no one makes us angry. We allow ourselves to be angry. The same can be said of our happiness and sense of well-being. We don't lose our happiness; we give it away. We do that when we place our happiness completely in the hands of another person, thing, cause or situation."
wheezed on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 at 03:35 p.m.

malaysia boleh!

Vocational lessons in Malaysian schools is a really, really good step for the country. Kudos to the government for allowing this to happen! I remember when I was studying here, and you could tell that some students weren't that keen on the studying part, and I used to feel kinda wasted that they had to spend time studying Sciences or Arts when they couldn't cope, or when their planned future ahead wasn't in those paths anyway. At least they'll have a reason to wanna come to school now.. I used to feel sorry for a good friend cos he was sooo brilliant with the mechanics, but horrible in the languages and sciences but his parents refused to let him go to a skills based school, those technical institutes cos it was looked upon poorly. By instilling it in a normal school rather than a separate institution, it doesn't make people feel inferior, doesn't build separation of classes, and even people who know they are gonna go on to further studies can try their hand in a skilled activity for fun. I mean, I'd love to attend the hairdresser's course! Who knows, given the chance and my vanity, I might've chosen a different path! LOL. Remember a girl in RIB, who was a china scholar, she was brilliant, but she said she wanted to be a makeup artist after she was finished with her education. Uhuh, so it doesn't mean if your smart, you HAVE to study. We should be given our own freedom to choose our destiny, despite our academic abilities! Seee I think this vocational lessons thing is a good way to go about it cos we're not forced to make the definite, no-turning-back choices, cos its just "trying out", so we can see if we really, really suit this. What can I say, I'm so proud of this programme!
wheezed on Wednesday, April 6, 2005 at 03:33 p.m.

random thought of the day

I just wanna say it here, in case I forget it later on (heh) that I really love my mum =)
wheezed on Tuesday, April 5, 2005 at 11:33 a.m.

advice for a confused friend about love

I dunno. A lot of people seem troubled/depressed over their love life lately. I'm not one to say much, but I think I should relate how I've been feeling lately to make some of you feel better. I just want to say that it is possible to let go of someone that you may have once felt was THE ONE. If you had loved him very deeply or whatever, if you think you cannot leave without him, the truth is, you CAN. I know you may feel so utterly miserable and sad and like your life is gonna end, but it wont!!!! So don't do anything silly!!!

Once I was able to clearly articulate my thoughts to my sister, I realised once and for all, truthfully, that I have let go in my heart, although my stubborn mind is a bit slower. The signs are clear. No pain, no sadness, no nostalgia. And I really thank God cos its all over for me. It will be okay for you too if you just hang in there.

Its funny how people could affect your whole life, and suddenly, they seem so far away and insignificant. Everything will seem a lot clearer after sometime, cos you're no longer clouded by that artificial sense of protection when you're in love. So you see things as an objective observer, so no more excuses, you realise how this person may have "wronged" you (but somehow your brain made it seem harmless)... Its okay, cos it doesn't really matter. Whats important is that its not too late! You can tell yourself, who cares! Really and truly, and I say this to one of my bestest friends, IT DOESN'T MATTER, once you let go. It will be Fine. Cos when you think about it, why would someone treat you badly unless he/she felt insecure? So move on, and don't look back, okay? Its not worth it! Don't kill braincells thinking about the past!!!!

My dear dear friend, if its because you can't let go, it may not be because you LOVE this person, but because you've become so reliant on this person. Its easy to stick to someone than to leave them. But the future can be so much better! I just wanna say that this person may actually be very normal, its just that cos you think you're in love that this person's so high up on that pedestral. For example, sorry for using your name sweets =P, I always say Martin's so great, bla bla bla, but honestly, you and I know he's just another human with normal flaws and all that. If you think that whatever u feel with this person is so goddamnned special, I can introduce you to a couple of friends who are always "falling in love" and feeling a "special connection"... For a few months. If you want longterm partnership, I think its more than that stupid sexual attraction you need to keep a family together for a whole lifetime. And if he/she is halfway GONE, or everything is wrong except in THAT department, even the best sex won't keep u together, okay?

I don't know what else I can say to you except to tell you to pull yourself together, if its not meant to be, you gotta slowly accept it. I'm being harsh and of course I know its not easy, hell its the most difficult thing in the world, especially if you were really keen on this person, but it really and truly will be okay. Watch Stepford Wives, the first time I watched it I thought it was disgusting, the more times I watch it, the more I realise that it is telling us to BE OURSELVES, don't compromise for anyone. And if someone wants YOU to compromise or change or can't accept you for who you are, then too bad, you CAN do better and its really time for you to go ahead and do it. Good luck to you, and I'll be a listening ear for you ANYTIME. *muacks, huggles and loads of love xoxo for you*

disclaimer wow this sounds like i've had a really rough time myself, lol, but this is just advice okay. if you don't need it, sorry u had to read through all that crap =P
wheezed on Monday, April 4, 2005 at 09:37 p.m.

congratulations up!

Okay I don't know if I'll get offered a place in Michigan; its all OK cos I've prepared myself mentally for anything anyway, its just that I'll be pissed for wasting so much time on those essays...... =X So I just wanna congratulate the people with goodnews first in case I get like, depressed or something, heh.

Congrats to Shingy for getting into Melbourne! hope you'll get the scholarship u need, u've been looking out for so many, good luck!!! I know u just dont wanna stay in Singapore anymore, so I guess going overseas will be great for ya to recreate yourself and have a whole new great fun life ahead!!! Gosh you've grown up so much from when I first knew u in sec1, so mature and grown up now =) BTW have fun in sabah too, what u going there for???

Yun, wow, you deserve the best for yourself in any way! Hope u get to choose Oxford, but whatever it is, I know that getting the A*star to go overseas will be a great, wonderful experience for ya. =) If you didn't get this, I'd feel very bitter and jaded, heh. I just wanna say that I am so damn proud of you, and I'm so happy to have known u! Just continue being that cool, sexy babe you were that first time I saw you ya? =) You're like this amazing girl and I'll remember you, and we must keep in touch k? Heh you're much better at it though... And remember, Thank God for everything!! look forward to our *SOB* one-of-the-final meetups before u leave! Genting, here we come!!!! Gosh u make me wish I could go to UK!

Shin, congrats for Souther Cali Uni! Get a loan and go! BEG whatever go get it!!!!!! Sigh, but if not, then perhaps its God's will for greater things, so don't be too sad about it. We'll support you!!! Honestly though, even if not, you're so fitted right in with HELP, and you'll be so happy here, pick your choice for Manchester or Cardiff wisely k? =) And I'll never ever forget you, i wish we were still in Singapore and u can still come kacau us!!!!! BTW I owe u $$ for shili's bday pressie, hehe. Better meet up soon! Are u going genting?

Martin, congrats on UPenn and UC Berkeley! So all that confidence u had in yourself paid off =) You'll be just at home in US, you're as silly-jockish as them all *mwuahahhaaha* just kidding. I'll miss you =) And if I stay in Singapore I suppose I'll remember loads about you too, but things change and lives change, and you'll always have that special place in my heart, just dont come back with that super strong accent and jockish behaviour *WINK*

Lili, i dunno if u are going to germany, I wish I could tell you NOT TO and stay in Singapore cos I've come to rely on you so much here at home. Heh. But mustnt be selfish and I know you'll be great faraway in Germany doing all those exotic things, and when I come visit you, dont sprout German all over me ah, make me feel so stupid. Argh I can't imagine, we've been such great friends over this past 2 years, and I can't imagine not talking to you all the time and staring at your hot legs!!!!!!!!!!! Babe just want you to know that don't worry, cos you'll always be one of my best friends and we shant let that change! When u are lazy to snail mail I will email and vice versa!

Sighs, who else is leaving? I'm v sad just thinking about the future. So much is about to change =(

Wenyan, hello u lurker! =) I miss u a lot too.... Another period in my life of leaving and reunions, I dunno how to describe this feeling of weird nostalgia and sadness mixed with a bit of anticipation as well. The chances of me being able to go overseas is slim, but seeing everyone getting so excited about going overseas makes me want to go as well. My mum says if I get into Berea I have to go. Its crazy, free tuition fees but I still gotta pay for living expenses, whats the point? Sigh there's no beating your parents though. We'll see what God's plan for me is. So many people have got their lives laid out for them now, I just hope mine is one that will be easy to "swallow" and accept.
wheezed on Monday, April 4, 2005 at 09:00 p.m.

Very Scared of Rejection

Michigan:
Please note: we will not be giving admission decisions via this web site. Admission decisions will be made only by letter sent to the current address of the applicant.

Shit. The Suspense is killing me. If I know I didn't get it I'd know its God's will, but still.... Waiting for that letter now. =X
wheezed on Monday, April 4, 2005 at 08:21 a.m.

endings *

So once again, my work is over and I have nothing to do again. I realised that going to work, or rather, having something to do was good for me, cos I stopped thinking about things. After 5 days of less-than-5-hours-sleep, I went to sleep today. Really, it was a sleep till 12, have lunch, sleep again till 6 and here I am now. Nothing to do. And thoughts just keep creeping up on me again. I was perfectly fine this whole week. Happy mixing around with new people, feeling all attractive and happy and fun but now that its all over, I feel.... dowdy again. =( What has happened to me?

On a sidenote, my internet is DOWN. Everything in my house cannot be used to connect to the net. So if you'd like to contact me/ talk to me, the number is +60122248423 =)

<3 happy birthday shili, hope u loved eating haagen dazs with us =) RACHEL HAD TEN SCOOPS OF THE YUMMY ICECREAM AND THE MEN WHO WORK THERE ARE SO DAMN HOT!

I also went to lili's house, its nice and warm =) lili dont feel bad about anything, i enjoyed myself v much ya? *muacks*

Now shili's turn to invite me home. BTW, I am changing room to the 2nd largest room in the house!!!!!!! *winks*
wheezed on Friday, April 1, 2005 at 09:11 p.m.

hullo!

Hey, my computers at home are all down at the moment, but luckily i'm working at a eye doctor's conference area so there are internet kiosks around =)

Working is tiring and boring but still kinda fun cos it beats doing nothing fullstop. Rachel's quote of the day =)

My tagboard is lonely cos when i come online i've got nothing much to do! *big hint*

<3
wheezed on Monday, March 28, 2005 at 07:41 a.m.

The Stepford Wives:

"I can do better!"

LOL. I'm glad I have great friends that always make me feel so comfortable. Lili, you're a one in a million type of friend, and I really and truly love you with all my heart. =) I'd share my bed with you anytime, hahaha! Thanks for the talk, thanks for letting me know how you feel and thanks for listening to me. Some sort of closure for some things as well, ahem ahem =)

I just want you to know, that no matter what, don't ever be shy to keep in contact with me even if you go to Germany. Of course, we could end up in Singapore together, you never know! I dunno, just feel like you're a good friend, and its a very comfortable feeling. Love ya hun!!!!

yay can't wait to go haagen daaz buffet with shili, james, lili, and hopefully ngeeshin too! *muacks to the darlings*
wheezed on Saturday, March 26, 2005 at 10:15 p.m.

quick entry

You are such a fool!
wheezed on Saturday, March 26, 2005 at 10:09 p.m.

mummy is back!!!

I forgot to say, my mum's back and i'm truly truly thrilled. its the kinda of happiness thats makes u secure and like everything could be alright in the world again. and i can be a little girl again and not have to grow up. mummy's baking brownies today!

Mummy seems really happy too, happier than she's been in years. she says they had a great time there, and daddy's been blessing people and people've been blessing us too. someone gave my parents a love offering for my sister's education!! so now my sis can go and study in whatever college she wants at whichever cost without taking the parents money. Thank God for everything.

Think US would be the perfect place for my family: my sis gets the books from barnes&noble (she loved that place, i remember); myself is pretty obvious- the clothes; mummy loves gap and mummy loves all the food in US cos they are mostly sugar-free. she bought a box of sugar free chocolates back, HAHAHHAHAHAH =) dad loves US for just being US anyway, we are frivolous family, heh.

btw i can't stop my compulsive shopping, so i keep telling myself the stuff are ugly anyway =X i'm feeling proud of myself cos I didn't crave in and join the GAP spree! yay me!

wheezed on Wednesday, March 23, 2005 at 11:03 p.m.

mr ho

Mr Ho is an amazing man, I asked him to help me with something, and it was done in an hour, and he even sent it out already!

I miss him la, honestly. Rather sit through all his classes again and be bored, then be bored at home, doing nothing. =X
wheezed on Wednesday, March 23, 2005 at 11:07 a.m.

I'm in love

I'm in love with Claire Forlani, she's sooooo damn beautiful.
wheezed on Wednesday, March 23, 2005 at 12:51 a.m.

cobwebs

Isn't it sad how you move on in life and friends that used to be important to you now seem like a big blank? Everything is changing and I'm so scared of growing up. I'm a big baby.
wheezed on Sunday, March 20, 2005 at 02:00 p.m.

for those applying to NTU and do not want to pay 7USD to send SAT scores:

Dear Rachel,

Your email refers.

As long as the online copy has your name and address, you can print a copy from Collegeboard's website and send it over to us.

Please ensure that you include the "Document Submission Page" which can be found on this website if you are an 'A' level applicant: https://wis.ntu.edu.sg/webexe/owa/adm_poly_appl.print_slip_login?student_type=A This helps us to trace your records.

Thank you & Best Regards,

Agnes Wee
Office of Admissions
NTU

wheezed on Saturday, March 19, 2005 at 12:24 p.m.

resist

Rachel Must Resist The Temptations Posed By the Internet. She Will Not Shop.
wheezed on Friday, March 18, 2005 at 11:35 p.m.

Stuck in my head

I cried myself to sleep again tonight
Cause I can not hold you tight
I wish I could see you again tomorrow
To take all this sorrow, sorrow, I'm hollow

When I touch you... can you feel it?
When I need you... can you give it?
When I look in your eyes... can you see me?
When I fall(fall) will you catch me, catch me, catch me?

Misery
Is what I feel
When you're not around
So I can't heal

Misery
Is what I feel
Is what I feel


Misery
Is what I feel
When you're not around
So I can't heal

Misery
Is what I feel
Is what I feel


[RIFF]
These tears on my face
Are for you
I wish that I could...
Hold you
Touch you
Feel you
My heart is bleeding can't you see
I wish that you could...
Hold me
Touch me
Feel me

When I touch you... can you feel it?
When I need you... can you give it?
When I look in your eyes... can you see me?
When I fall(fall) will you catch me, catch me, catch me?


Misery
Is what I feel
When you're not around
So I can't heal

Misery
Is what I feel
Is what I feel

Misery
Is what I feel
When you're not around
So I can't heal

Misery
Is what I feel
Is what I feel

wheezed on Friday, March 18, 2005 at 12:22 p.m.

cleaning out the closet

Look what I found. A big yellow cardboard card with the remnants of sweets and a "little boy"'s hand prints..

Look what I found. Pictures of me and my family, when I was 13, with baby fat, flawless face (sigh) and young - oh what will i give to be young again.

Look what I found. A pic with You, Alme, Pop and Elizer there, a pressie given on my birthday. I found the weird little CD that came with it and it made me cry.

Look what I found. My purple book with memories of my darling friends. Nad, Atq, Eena, Tassha, Huda. I miss innocent Anderson!

Look what I found. the blue box, the one where I keep everything of you. Should i start moving these things out of my room and away from my heart.

Look what I found. A happy pic of me and Nadia. I love you girl. don't let people put u down, stay happy and you and special!

Look what I found. Petitions sent when I was thirteen, the ink has faded and I can't see much but I remember the sincerity and all the lovely messages.

Look what I found. All whole bunch of memories from a life that seems so far away I am no longer in touch with what it was like. How and when did we all change? My present seems bleak, (not because of my friends; they are lovely) I need to seek that happiness I used to have!
Honestly, I'd say burn everything, but I'm not prepared (never, actually) to let things go.

Yesterday was Ben's birthday, I tried sending him a little SMS but it looks like he's switched numbers. Oh well.
wheezed on Friday, March 18, 2005 at 01:52 a.m.

the truth about

i've tried my bestest not to cry since the first time problems started happening and i didn't know what to do (i'm talking about the phone, tv and comp breakdown, hee), but today when i read the mail i cried. i dunno why. you always make me feel this way. its quite sad and i dunno what to make about it. about anything in my whole life at the moment.

If a guy confronts u as to why you are so cold and hard and critical of malaysian guys, and then accuses you of "still loving your ex", you would be quite shocked at his outburst. You deny it outrageously, of course, and find a million examples of horrible men, but deep down inside you know he's stuck a chord. The nerve of the asshole to bring up such a point! you know he's right, you should give people a chance, but tooo bad, your heart just can't let go. There, I've admitted it, please give me a break everyone and please don't tell me what I dunno.

I'm scared. I think I should just think of staying in Singapore and studying. Whats the big deal? Every ASEAN scholar is probably applying for the same few scholarships I intend to go for. Im just pissed that I have to put in effort and pretend that I care about these applications, cos frankly I do believe they are a waste of my time, I'm not gonna be going anywhere, why am I wasting time writing these essays?

Okay I'll admit its because I don't want to regret, at least applying and getting rejected is better than not applying and never knowing. This is my life plan if I stay in singapore: I get a cream half-siamese cat; bunk in with charms; go to school and have loads of fun; find a hottie to make me happy. See? I don't need to go somewhere else. Don't criticise me, I know I'm screwed up but I'm lost so far I dunno how to get back on track. This person I talk about in the applications, a shadow, a remnant of what I used to be, I don't see ME, big fat me in it anymore!!! Shit.

On a sidenote, I think Im too dark now. Bugger.
wheezed on Thursday, March 17, 2005 at 06:30 p.m.

i'm not angry okay?

you know how people always regret tattooing themselves with names and such? Especially after a breakup? Well thank god I never felt like making a tattoo. But u know what? I sure as hell regret having a tattooed glow-in-the-dark bolster. Coz it sucks. And it reminds me of how my life currently just stinks.

i finally told someone how i felt about myself now. bloody lazy bitch i am, with nothing to do with my life. angry and discontent with everything and everyone, surely you all must see that. whats the use of moping around hoping for a better tomorrow? There is NO tomorrow in my dictionary of BETTER. perhaps this all springs out from my own self-discontent. i must be trying too hard to let go of something that refuses to let go. or maybe my glow-in-the-dark makes sure of that. the thing is, I'M ACTUALLY ANGRY NOW.

so what am i angry about?
1. the fact that deep down inside i know i didn't let go. which is why i want to use UK to run away, but i don't really want to go anywhere... how could i possibly think the best of someone who broke my heart? you're right. i will learn to shield myself and it wont ever happen again!
2. doing well for the exams. i know this sounds stupid, but there's a lot of guilt going around in me, even becky agrees i didn't deserve to do well. if i had worked as hard as other people then maybe i deserve it, but i know i don't. and it really stinks. i keep worrying that i'll wake up to a phone call telling me that my results are all wrong.
3. malaysia. everything here pisses me off. i can't wear a tee that even reveals my tummy by a little bit, people look at me like i'm a criminal. i feel scared suntanning on my own front yard. the transportation is lousy, full of sweat smells and takes 10 years to arrive. getting around is a problem. having to take care of everything all by myself weighs me down. when u walk on the street, stupid boys whistle and cheer at you. WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? its quite a culture shock for me. and i cant bloody drive!!!
4. my need for fulfillment. i can't seem to find anything that makes me happy -i've gone off online shopping coz i still felt empty in the end- so i decided to tan myself, but even seeing the dark skin doesn't make me too happy. i go jogging, and it makes me want to cry. see, i don't know how to be happy anymore, and its because of...

God, I dunno what its because. I remember feeling so happy the first day I got my results, I knew it couldn't be my doing, it was God's. And maybe He wanted me to be a bit happier, and I was, for that day. two weeks later and we're back to square one, and I dunno where else to find that piece of jigsaw that will fit perfectly into that little hole in me that makes me so dissatisfied. Coz i really want to be me again.

I miss everything in life that used to make me, me. I see photos of me smiling away happily and I just want to find that girl again. I haven't really smiled happily in a long time. Most of the bloody time I just feel like crying. Now don't u dare sympathise with me. I'm writing this only coz I realised it made me feel a little better saying it out. I don't want anyone's sympathy, unless it means bringing a hot fine ass to me (malaysia's productions so far fail me) or buying me a pretty abercrombie skirt. Yes we all know I said they were only temporary fleeting feelings of vague happiness, but thats better than nothing.
wheezed on Wednesday, March 16, 2005 at 11:38 a.m.

long entry after long break

When I get down to essentially what has been happening recently, I guess I've been swept in a whirlpool of my past. Gradually accepting life as it is and embracing a possibly better and happier future. Not that I've put in much effort for my uni applications. Hearing martin, yas, ngeeshin etc talka about what they've done/prepared really makes me feel kinda inadequate and unprepared. So lost, really. Never felt this way before, gotta get a grip of myself really soon. Still, 5 out of 6 UK unis have given their conditional approvals! Only bristol left, but out of them all I only want York/Warwick/Bristol. Maybe Cardiff, but 3As? Forget about it. =S Don't think I'll get it eventually!!

Anyway. Do you remember your first childhood crush? God. I must've been an early started. Well I mean you can tell. Hah. Anyway I couple of my primary school friends whom I totally lost contact with, it seems, have been trying to contact me. One of them, as I remember, is my first primary school crush (I don't suppose he was the first ever, since I think I adored many many members of the opposite sex by the time I was 5. LOL) But certainly the first in primary school. I have memories of us walking hand in hand in promary one to the canteen. Yes, I guess I was a "gatal" child. Haha. Anyway here he is again, smsing me that he misses me. How weird! We haven't met in what, 7 years? I'd be scared/reserved to meet again. Well everyone knows how shy I am. So I say, "Wah I look so bad now different from pri school" and he's like "oh i'm not seeing if you're pretty or not". LOL. I have to get down to the end of this soon!

Oh yeah. I'm really worried about Umich. Apparently they didn't get my Teacher Recommendation. Feeling too lazy to do anything about it though (hmm, this paragraph's a bit contradictory... but its true, I am worried, but I can't be bothered as well!) Oh shit. I guess I won't be accepted. What the hell.

ANYWAY. To get down to what I've been doing essentially wouldn't be hard to guess. It comprises of spending a lot of $$, online and offline, with a rough gauge of numbers like 8 skirts??? Haha. Before I scare you, I'm off to order some nice VS underwear. The T shirt bra is damn cheap now! Seeya!!
wheezed on Tuesday, February 1, 2005 at 03:23 p.m.

found this poem..

This is truly a sad but eerily beautiful poem. Kinda like Plath eh? Had to share it with yall.. Got it on a link from cozycot..

The Ballad Of The Lonely Masturbator
Anne Sexton

The end of the affair is always death.
She's my workshop. Slippery eye,
out of the tribe of myself my breath
finds you gone. I horrify
those who stand by. I am fed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Finger to finger, now she's mine.
She's not too far. She's my encounter.
I beat her like a bell. I recline
in the bower where you used to mount her.
You borrowed me on the flowered spread.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Take for instance this night, my love,
that every single couple puts together
with a joint overturning, beneath, above,
the abundant two on sponge and feather,
kneeling and pushing, head to head.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

I break out of my body this way,
an annoying miracle. Could I
put the dream market on display?
I am spread out. I crucify.
My little plum is what you said.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Then my black-eyed rival came.
The lady of water, rising on the beach,
a piano at her fingertips, shame
on her lips and a flute's speech.
And I was the knock-kneed broom instead.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

She took you the way a women takes
a bargain dress off the rack
and I broke the way a stone breaks.
I give back your books and fishing tack.
Today's paper says that you are wed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

The boys and girls are one tonight.
They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.
They take off shoes. They turn off the light.
The glimmering creatures are full of lies.
They are eating each other. They are overfed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.
wheezed on Wednesday, January 19, 2005 at 06:45 p.m.

letting YOU into some tiny secrets

Yay! Daddy doesn't want me to apply to BYUH anymore! One less stressful application, and check out the scary dress code for girls, u have to sign to agree to follow it:
Clothing is inappropriate when it is sleeveless, strapless, backless, or revealing; has slits above the knee; or is form fitting. Dresses and skirts must be knee length or longer. Hairstyles should be clean and neat, avoiding extreme styles and colors. Excessive ear piercing (more than one per ear) and all other body piercing are not acceptable. Shoes should be worn in all public campus areas.
Turns out its a scary religion thats supposed to be christian, but they're abit weird, their men can pursue polygamy, amongst other bizzare regulations unlike in normal churches. Phew! Anyawy, guess who's from this religion? MICHEAL JACKSON! haha. dad now thinks its a bad choice. Whee!

Anyway I'm trying to be cold to a certain person. Trying to extend the distance so I won't feel so much for this person anymore. Dya think its the right way to go about it? And i figured that potentially ruining other people's relationships just to make myself feel better/forget about that certain person won't do me any good. I'm not sure what *our* status is, but I sure as hell don't wanna get hurt. So if someone understands, let me know. If not, I think i'm just gonna have to find ways, like distancing myself to eventually forget. Oh and perhaps shop online as well. I find these wool skirts really appealing. I think i want this one. Its SGD$42 ya know.

True little me coming into the pic: *whispers* okay why do i kid myself like i'm some kind of playgirl? I really don't like playing games. I think i should just forget about it. heh.
wheezed on Sunday, January 2, 2005 at 11:28 p.m.

happy new yr!

Happy new year to all! Hope the new year will bring good things and wipe off the bad things that have happened over the last year. :) I love all my friends, and i really pray that we'll all be okay. muacks!

hmm.. time for some ME time. i'm selfish, greedy, and consumed by materialism. and my new year resolution isn't to get rid of it! :D
somethings i want in the new year,greedy me:

from gap.com
link here

link here
wheezed on Saturday, January 1, 2005 at 01:00 p.m.

admitting something.... ;)

WELCOME BACK CHARMAINE!! I MISSED U DARLING!!! MUACKS!

i think i've become a bit weird. like, i only read a certain person's blog. then i think im a bit envious of her. okay i'll admit here that i'm jealous. she seems 2 have grown up so much, and love seems to be the key thing here. i'm not envious that she's with someone who used to be connected to me, but i wish i could have the kind of security and love that she feels with him. wow. kudos to them, and to you, you've done a good job. a far cry from last time. love changes ppl, huh??
wheezed on Friday, December 31, 2004 at 12:06 a.m.

how's my day? wow, really gd!

i fell ill today on my first official day of teaching. got so cold i was wearing a damn sweater in sunny hot malaysia. sighs. after tuition i went to the office and kinda fell asleep for awhile. getting a lot of diarrhoea as well.. :(

and to make things worse, i think i've discovered a problem student. a little baby boy, about 3 years of age only! well anyway he was cute so i was trying to carry him, i gave him my hand, and he grabbed it and tried to put it THERE! u know, a little kid's private place. at first i thought it was a mistake thing, so i tried to take it away, and he kept pushing my hand to his silly little thing! i was like, u naughty little boy! when i told him that, he started reaching to grab my boobs!!! poor me, i just screamed out coz i was really horrified at this cute little angelic boy who turned out to be so "ham sup". i told him "cannot do these things!" then i tried to make him watch tv, but he molested me further! im serious, he just laughed and reached and started poking me.. i tell u i was just SO DAMN scared. i quickly left him to play alone lar, and complain to my mum, when i returned, you won't believe it....... i said, naughty boy u! then he ignored me, sat between my left leg (i was sitting with my legs stretched out) and started humping himself! all the time laughing in glee! serious, im quite scared of him now. dunno wat to do, everyone just thinks its funny, but i'm really damn scared he'll turn out to be one of those that make negative headlines in the msian newspaper, or contribute to the statistics when he grows up.... i mean, he's only 3!! i'm quite sure he can only learn such things from people at home, i'm quite disgusted actually if its his parents who actually demonstrate such things (openly or accidentally), whatever it is, this kid is really scaring me. gonna keep an eye out for him and try to see whats going on. :S

that said, i hope whatever it is i have goes away soon. getting sick now is frustrating. think im too emotionally weak at the moment to deal with crap stuff. do u think its good if i try to heap some feelings on an external factor that would make me feel better about things?
wheezed on Wednesday, December 29, 2004 at 08:51 p.m.

thats it. maybe i should just stop it and fall into the stars once again.
wheezed on Wednesday, December 29, 2004 at 12:57 a.m.

i am so fuming mad!! so arsehole cut off the tail of my poor cat!! i mean not the whole tail, but the tip of its magnificence. i could kill now.......................
wheezed on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 at 04:10 p.m.

time for some gratitute

i suppose this is an appropriate time to thank Him for everything that has happened to me this whole year. to thank God that we didn't go on holiday in the end, and stayed at home. to thank God for letting me go out and see the world in vietnam, and let me live for myself. to thank God that i learnt to love the people around me, though i may not always be nice (that i gotta learn). that i am still alive, i really thank God. i feel quite inadequate to fully express the way i kinda feel about things... ah well. something's gotta give. i wanna watch that movie now!!! feel good time.... but somehow i don't feel good at all.

p.s my nick does mean something, all of you! its just that i'm private, so i never say. don't ask! now i changed it.
wheezed on Tuesday, December 28, 2004 at 12:18 a.m.

how i feel about someone now.

this is NOT about my own father.
editted coz forgot to say this is plath's poem. but y'all know right? ;)

Daddy by Sylvia Plath

You do not do, you do not do
Any more, black shoe
In which I have lived like a foot
For thirty years, poor and white,
Barely daring to breathe or Achoo.

Daddy, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

And a head in the freakish Atlantic
Where it pours bean green over blue
In the waters off beautiful Nauset.
I used to pray to recover you.
Ach, du.

In the German tongue, in the Polish town
Scraped flat by the roller
Of wars, wars, wars.
But the name of the town is common.
My Polack friend

Says there are a dozen or two.
So I could never tell where you
Put your foot, your root,
I could never talk to you.
The tongue stuck in my jaw.

It stuck in a barb wire snare.
Ich, ich, ich, ich.
I could hardly speak.
I thought every German was you.
And the language obscene

An engine, an engine
Chuffing me off like a Jew.
A Jew to Dachau, Auschwitz, Belsen.
I began to talk like a Jew.
I think I may well be a Jew.

The snows of Tyrol, the clear beer of Vienna
Are not very pure or true.
With my gipsy ancestress and my weird luck
And my Taroc pack and my Taroc pack
I may be a bit of a Jew.

I have always been scared of _you_,
With your Luftwaffe, your gobbledygoo.
And your neat mustache
And your Aryan eye, bright blue.
Panzer-man, panzer-man, O You--

Not God but a swastika
So black no sky could squeak through.
Every woman adores a Fascist,
The boot in the face, the brute
Brute heart of a brute like you.

You stand at the blackboard, daddy,
In the picture I have of you,
A cleft in your chin instead of your foot
But no less a devil for that, no not
Any less than the black man who

Bit my pretty red heart in two.
I was ten when they buried you.
At twenty I tried to die
And get back, back, back to you.
I thought even the bones would do.

But they pulled me out of the sack,
And they stuck me together with glue.
And then I knew what to do.
I made a model of you,
A man in black with a Meinkampf look

And a love of the rack and the screw.
And I said I do, I do.
So daddy, I'm finally through.
The black telephone's off at the root,
The voices just can't worm through.

If I've killed one man, I've killed two--
The vampire who said he was you
And drank my blood for a year,
Seven years, if you want to know.
Daddy, you can lie back now.

There's a stake in your fat black heart
And the villagers never liked you.
They are dancing and stamping on you.
They always _knew_ it was you.
Daddy, daddy, you bastard, I'm through.

wheezed on Monday, December 27, 2004 at 01:44 a.m.

1st part of vietnam!

okay! im gonna update about vietnam. finally. the first thing i would say is most definitely, travel with somehow who can speak english AND vietnamese fluently. really thank god for phuong, if not it would've been a very frustrating trip. thankie dear roommate!! love u loads!!

vietnam is very unique, the main mode of transport is the little scooter or motorcycle, which i managed to ride twice: one with phuong's cousin and it was my first time so i was clutching damn tight on this shoulders, heh. now HE drives super carefully, stopping when the phone rings and driving really quite slowly. my 2nd was the total opposite, a motorbike taxi driver, super pro but i was determined not to touch him AT ALL, so i held onto my seat and clutched it real tight tho he drive like it was the end of the world lar... so fast. had many close shaves with the big bad cars. conclusion: i'll never ride a bike unless my boyfriend drives it and i'm sitting at the back holding on to him tightly. i hated riding the motorbike coz all these couples would wheeeeeeze past me in their lovey dovey mode. made me miss some certain person... hmm.

yeah but i certainly will not hitch with vietnamese men. they are SUPER LECHEROUS!!! omg u can see them STARE openly at anyone and everyone that is a female lar okay, and when u catch them staring they dont look away! i had a bad experience with the WORSE POSSIBLE kind, the police. i was waiting alone at a junction coz the rest were looking for people, and there was a policeman next to me so i figured it was safe. i smiled a little at him, and he just gave me a totally disgusting down-to-up leering look!!!!! yuck!!! i was so scared.. i walked away. euw. few exceotions to this horrible species of men are the university boys who act like monkeys, they enjoy teasing girls like us, but at least, they're not grossly, uneducatedly lecherous. and they're actually pretty smart and make u laugh. whee! still, dont feel safe with any vietnamese men.

the girls on the other hand, are super pretty. all so sweet and submissive looking. *sigh* the other beautiful thing about vietnam is the Halong Bay with the beautiful caves and the rocks, i had a lot of fun imagining what the rocks looked like :) and the caves are just gorgeous.. the staglactites developed from over thousands of years... very very impressive!!! oh and the buildings in Hue, especially the old tombs of the emperors are really beautiful. some are already reconstructed on a pretty low budget so the beauty is gone, but the preserved ones are really worth the visit. i think my fav part about the tombs were the history, and the intricate designs on the walls.... oh one of the emporers. the 12th one i think, was rumoured to be gay! he only had seven wifes, and hated all of them. he had no children too. hee hee. and i pitied the 7th emperor very much coz he was a short man that had a lot of trouble with the family :(

love the food and the shopping there. too bad it was winter so i couldn't get anything, but bet in summer the place is GREAT. in Hoi An u can tailor make just about anything within a few hours, these tailors are so amazing, i tailored 3 pairs of slippers... picked my own design and color *beams* and a nice skirt. and a pink silk short dress. yay! haha. the food is super duper yummy too, still love the original pho, wow. =X also love the pork, i learnt how to eat all the parts of the pig in vietnam! haha... these viet ppl r bad lar, they eat dog and cat, but i vowed not to touch them! my poor kitty, how could i face it if i ate its species! hee hee hee. my fav meal was the steamboat with my roommate's family. delicious, unforgettable. better than local steamboat. not better lar, but different. feel hungry just thinking about it. oh and they have tiny grain rice! it tastes different and nice. :) and i like the grilled fish there. fish is sooo fresh, yum!!! also love the spring rolls there. the fried one is to die for :) :) :)

okay i'm tired now. another day!
wheezed on Monday, December 27, 2004 at 01:17 a.m.

mixed up

i think im a bit sad, maybe a bit angry, but i'm not sure why, nor how come. maybe i'm just bitter, because i seem to work up so much to say, but u never seen to feel any the way i do. maybe its really time to say goodbye.
wheezed on Sunday, December 26, 2004 at 01:38 a.m.

goodbye again,

byebye, you. i think its difficult to say goodbye on the phone, its difficult to communicate on the phone, actually. there's so much i'd like to hear you say and say to you that matters, but i always end up saying the words that don't really matter. i wish i could see you, and talk to you face to face, but thats kind of impossible now.

im feeling so frustrated and angry at myself now. its 3 in the am and i can't sleep. ack.
wheezed on Sunday, December 12, 2004 at 03:24 a.m.

new layout

i chose this color on purpose, don't criticise it :D

its for aesthetic purposes and you can always just highlight everything when you read *grins* unless someone can offer me a matching colour that won't spoil the effect of my new masterpiece, hahaha! uhm, okay, just wanted something more calming and slightly melancholy to fit into my new state of mind...

been feeling rather pensive and sad lately, i'm not sure why though, maybe its because of all the seperations and goodbyes. you say its not the end, people meet again and people keep in contact and life can still go back to the way it used to be, but i don't think so. once the goodbyes are said, and the paths are broken for awhile, its difficult to get back in track and have a smooth journey again. no? its only been less than a week, and already i miss the freedom of hopping out to town for lunch with you. sushi, spaghetti, burgers, i'll miss that euphoric feeling i always get with you. i miss talking late at night on the phone or chatting with phuong, i've resorted to talking to my bloody cat; i miss taking nightcaps with lili in parkway parade; i miss tuesday gelare days; i miss the gossip trips on the bus to town to shop after sneaking out of school; i miss the way you feel; i miss the warmth from you. and you. all of you. i miss bitchin', and i miss laughing. and i miss crying. home is home, but away is away. =( oh i am jumbled up and confused. i miss dressing up, heck. i miss my stupid toilet. mum keeps saying its the last time, and it really may be the last time. i'm gonna miss all of it.

people often say that when school is out you wanna go back to it even when its stressful; i never believed it. but i think i see it now.

i wonder if i am still going to vietnam. confirming tomorrow. =x if its not confirmed i may just not go instead.
wheezed on Friday, December 10, 2004 at 11:31 p.m.

phone got water spilt on/goodbyes

when you lose something that represents the LINK to just about your entire life: your circle of friends, your loved ones and the communication link betw you and that one person you want to tell things to; what do you do?

cry on the bus like a silly baby until everyone looks at you in disgust?

i think i'm sad because i got on the bus and realised this could be the last time i'm seeing you.. especially if i don't get to come back to singapore in time to see you off. or if my tomorrow never comes!! and this last time doesn't even have a definite feel to it.. :( then that awkward goodbye because of your SAT and my aching feet... there's so much left unsaid and there's so much uncertainty. wanted to send u a message but realise i couldn't. hoped u would message me but realised i couldn't receive it too. felt like a broken down communication, with no way out. just stuck like that. feel like i'm sucked in this disgusting torrent of feelings that i can't get out of. i just want you to know, that i will miss you. that i already do. :(

wanted to go visit yas because crys's words: this may be the last time we all ever meet... that was really stung on me.. but then realised i couldn't either. then it dawned on me that i would be leaving singapore quietly, sadly, forgotten, gone, no more. so i just wanna let anyone who's reading this blog know, my phone is spoilt, nada calls, wont work. don't call me. :( but i LOVE YOU GUYS AND WILL MISS YOU FOREVER!!!! oh shit! and aubrey's here too... this is quite a horrible ending to my post prom night. =X

still, much said and done, i enjoyed myself very well last night, and it softens the pain of today. my phone is so important to me, if you must know, because it helps me get to you, and right now i feel like i'm cut off from the world.
wheezed on Friday, December 3, 2004 at 08:22 p.m.

time. distances. away. goodbyes. farewell.

There are some things in life you are very happy to end like the exams, but there are some things that you really never, ever want to end. So good riddance disgusting crappy exams that i will not do well for, hello prom, hello busy week, hello sadgoodbyesmaybeforever week. :X i think its rather sad how every start signifies an end. i'm sad to part with all the people i love, i'm scared of no tomorrows, i'm scared that people will forget me and i'll just become that girl in school, whatsherface? or rachel was a great person- what did she do again? i'm scared that you will just chuck me to one side because you're too busy-you want to look forward to a new life ahead. okay fine i'm just a scared person.

i want to go to vietnam. i think it will do me good to step out of this crazy city of singapore and take a trip to somewhere where i can catch my breath and relax, and enjoy and stop worrying. i bet i'm probably the only person in singapore who ended her exams depressed because she has no. more. time. left.

i shoulda thrown you out into the ashes a long time ago and never look back.. pfeeeeeee.

i need more time. i really honestly do.
wheezed on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 at 04:07 a.m.

wheeums!

hello blog! today's TSD paper was crap for me, i think i'm REALLY screwed.. for being such a lazy bum.. i got really freaked out looking at everyone's notes, i have none. what the hell was i doing.. this is one paper i should have been more hardworking about.. :( but lets not think about it. *sigh* tomorrow, tomorrow will be a relaxing day for me! i hope too much fun won't destroy me.. ack. i think i will be damn scared of getting back the results in march. ah! fun fun fun!! don't think about horrid thoughts! =X oh yes, job hunting anyone? let me know!! i desperately need a job next year, and daddy suggested asking my cuzins who have been working here.. i'm scared! not really that close to them.. i feel shy to bother them. haha! okay i think i'm half mad, but i just wanted to update so my title of the previous post wont be a lying post..

martin is sick! hope he gets well soon, take good care of yourself little boy!! ;) if not.... won't let u go party with me.. hahaha!

yun who is sick, get well too! happy birthday to siew sze and yun too!

to everyone who finished their exams.. GRAR!!!!!!! :D
wheezed on Friday, November 26, 2004 at 12:48 a.m.

off hiatus! - back by popular demand, haha!

i promised this cute little very very important person that i would update my blog, since it appears that life and death for this particular person is hinged upon the existance of this little space online, heh.. but the internet in my hostel is S.O.S.L.O.W that i can't even access anything -pout- but i don't want this person to keep on sulking, hee hee, nor would i wanna disappoint all my great fans, so have to lug meself out of bed at 1 in the morning before my lit classical and math paper.... *aih* the things one has to do for some people ;) -winks-

so a little update! life has been doing me pretty well, been in extreme high spirits lately, maybe its because sometimes at night, i have a personal little radio to sing me nice songs, or maybe its because ngee shin left her disney cd collection in my room, or it could be that i've gotten a huger appetite (and a mini tummy), my new clothes - or lack of *pout* (i want the FOX kids shorts in size 12!!!!!), or that i simply haven't gotten over this yummy experience eating at fish n co a few weeks ago.. its still stuck in my head! for some odd reason... waaahaahaaa!!!

i hope the exams end soon. there's so many things i wanna do!!! wanna go to the beach definitely and get rid of this unhealthy skin color -frowns- and spend time with martin, ugh cant imagine a whole half a year of prob not seeing him ;(, then i wanna go on holiday with you guys!!! hk right? we better start saving up!!!, oh and i can't wait to start earning real money for awhile. sighs. i have this feeling i won't be doing too well for exams, have kinda resolved to stay in singapore and take a study loan, guess i can't bear to leave sg, and the many many strings attached to it. bleh. hello mr aubrey you said u gonna come down ya, looking forward to see you, its been sooo long! oh and maybe a manicure with wey. i am SOOO jealous that she's going to US. i wanna go on a holiday to visit someone special too. so fun =X and nadia's coming back to kl for the hols right? -dance jig- lets go somewhere!! oh i think im just desperate to REALLY CELEBRATE.

i just realised i don't really go "waaahaahaaa". someone's influence = haha! weeellll, i really have to run coz i have a paper tomorrow, i'm prob friggin mad to be online, but whats the damage done putting a smile on someone's face? -grin- leave yall with a yummilicious song stuck in my little compressed saturated head!

BARE NECESSITIES
Look for the bare necessities
the simple bare necessities
forget about your worries and your strife
I mean the bare necessities
Oh,mother natures recipies that brings the bare necessities to life.

Wherever i wonder,wherever i rome
i cant be fonder of my big home!
The bees or buzzing in the trees
To make some hunny just for me,
when you look under the rocks and plants
take a glace at the fancy ants.
and maybe try a few!

The bare necessities of life will come to you,
they'll come to you.

Look for the bare necessities the simple bare necessities
Forget about your worries and your stife
i mean the bare necessities,
thats why a bear can rest at ease
with just the bare necessities of life
Now when you pick a par paw for a pricky paw
and you prick a wrong paw
well next time bewear
dont pcik the pricky pear with s prciky paw
try to use the claw,
But you dont need to use the claw when pcik a pear,
off the big paw paw,Have i given you a clue?

The bare necessities of life will come to you,
They'll come to you.

dedicated to my favourite disney fan ;)
wheezed on Tuesday, November 16, 2004 at 12:55 a.m.

life is been treating me good lately, but i'm afraid to say things out loud incase i jinx all of it, and lose what's so impt to me. for now, i'll just enjoy it, and try not to think of what would happen if it all suddenly just goes away and leave me cold.
wheezed on Thursday, October 28, 2004 at 07:48 p.m.

old navy *

me and charm are ordering from OLD NAVY coz the sales are cheap and hence its a good place to get xmas pressies (sue i am only getting xmas pressies for daddy!! promise) so whoever wants to join us can msg either of us! :)

i like this: anyone wanna buy it for me? :)

nice ballet flats!

roommate really lems this!!

i really like this:

yay!
wheezed on Monday, October 25, 2004 at 02:28 a.m.

supermarket memories

Feels so weird finally being able to confess how i feel about that. relief, embarassment, humiliation, all flushed out. phew.

did i tell all of u i won a 20$ NTUC voucher during the hostel's formal dinner thingy nite? well i decided to go and spend some of that money on friday... took myself out to NTUC and got a whole lot of groceries. trip down memory lane, thats what it was. i suddenly remembered the times when i used to go to the supermarket with ppl. with nadia since sec 1, girl i really miss you picking up items but never really buying anything in the end coz we were always too poor/ we wanted to save money for other more impt things like our FOOD ;), then with alme and book and pop the bunch of us, and martin of course... yes. haha how we used to cajole the guys into buying us stuff *wink* and carry all the heavy stuff.. and martin and me going daimaru for our short trips out of hostel pretending to be just friends. sweet memories. that day i went by myself, i felt so lonely having no one to mock the food selections and picking and choosing the best thing to buy and choosing things together. together, thats a word i like, and thats the word to let gooooooooooooooooo. and i loathed having to carry all the heavy stuff by myself. and when i picked up a milk carton, i thought of you. you you you and you. i miss everyone in my life back then when life used to be simple. hm. then i suddenly realised that, hey, i have gone to ntuc with some ppl recently! jenna, and sue and christine and fatma and nikki before class bbq. okay. life isn't as bleak as i sometimes paint it out to be. i guess i just miss you. I MISS YOU NADIA AZAHARI!!!

i miss ri boarding. how i wish i could go back in time just for awhile. =/
wheezed on Sunday, October 24, 2004 at 04:29 p.m.

radio rants

i hate to be a wet blanket on singapore's great hero. but that susilo song is just soooo horrible! it makes it seem like a mockery of him.. its not supposed to be.. right??

anyway! radio is good tho! the launch of FOREVER21!!!! i LOVE all US brands, i guess everyone knows that by now i guess.. hehe..
Here are some of my great lemmings!!

isn't this lovely?? haha

okay.. sorry to embarass ya'll.. but its sooo cutesy!

and this pretty scarf!!!

and this nice feathered pin! haha useless but fun!
wheezed on Wednesday, October 20, 2004 at 05:54 p.m.

getting out of hand there...

What i had begun to write in my essay for Michigan rather than dwelling on the topic... *oops*

This boy was different from the others. He respected my views and genuinely cared for me as a person. We could share dreams and passions in life, and I could tell him all my crazy ideas and ambitions that I never dared to tell anyone. He never asked me for what I couldn’t give; rather he sought out what I could give freely and treasured that. I grew to love him, and we shared three happy years together.

I thought it would be nice to keep this version of it here, so that maybe one day, i would look back and remember the handsome young charming boy who once loved me. =)

hahahaha, if only i could write out all the bad schtuffff... but its a bit too overwhelming. bah. off to read some econs now!!! essays! headache lar~
wheezed on Monday, October 18, 2004 at 09:53 p.m.

futility

if you ever read a zhangxiaoxian book, you would recall the sad end of the story. if you were a fan, you would realise that all her endings are sad. all the characters are tragic, ultimately. all asian stories always end sad. 2046-- the characters are lost in time, memories, and disappointment forever. maybe its because of our backgrounds. the way our ancestors were brought up to believe that we can never really be truly happy or be satisfied. that happiness is not ours. and that follows through all the way down, even our generation.

we need to change our lives, change our endings, make our own future. for the benefit of my own future and my show of strength to oppose the traditional view given to us, i need to start studying and stop moping around.

i don't believe life is futile. somewhere out there, there's a place for each of us. i know sometimes you might feel a bit distant from me because i find it hard to express my thoughts fully, i don't like to share things with people... its as if i don't care. but i do. i just can't articulate it. properly.
wheezed on Monday, October 18, 2004 at 09:38 p.m.

goodbye.

I have just broken off all ties with him- forever. i realise that i need to let go of him completely in order to become detached from him. i can't even be friends with him. its too unnatural. i don't want either of us to end up like zhangziyi in 2046, left alone, the pathetic tragic figure, gone too far beyond to return back. too much of wastage and left-behinds. i think everything needs to be sorted out properly. this time i can only cry alone because i no longer have him to comfort me. i know that i have to do my A levels on my own, I have to deal with all my problems on my own, because i can't rely on him forever. separation is inevitable anyway. better now than later? people always say to appreciate what you have. maybe the best way to do that is to let go of the person you care for the most, and trust that one day, you and he can be really and properly happy. i never dared to see our future together, and now i know that i never will.

you know that i always make promises and sometimes forget them. i break resolutions and break them. i can't stay in contact with ppl even those that i love. i say that i'll look for you one day, but i guess you know that i probably never will. goodbye, and its really forever.
wheezed on Monday, October 18, 2004 at 02:00 a.m.

new dress!!

Am so happy. Caught this dress on sale on Frederick's of Hollywood. Will only cost me $80 in total i think, including shipping! My darlings, that is the price it originally was in USD. Plus, I LOVE IT. :D

MY prom dress??
wheezed on Wednesday, October 6, 2004 at 07:43 p.m.

blessed day!

today is my blessed day! Woke up in the morning and had hard boiled egg, and guess what??? I had a TWIN yoke! *yay
wheezed on Saturday, September 25, 2004 at 03:22 p.m.

roti boy

hi guys, remember once i said i fell in love with this mexico bun thingy aka roti boy, which was yummily buttery and the smeell was heavenly? turns out its here now!!!! not the original mexico one, but the roti boy version. in China Square Food Centre, and supposedly Isetan Scotts has the mexico bun!!!! Any takers? :)
wheezed on Tuesday, September 21, 2004 at 07:42 p.m.

fuck the day

today was just a damn screwed up day lar. i mean, i felt screwed up since yesterday, suddenly broke down during dinner for no apparent reason (i mean yaeh, there is lar, i saw my face few mths ago without these pimples...) and then today my flu is fullblown, no wonder i couldn't study last nite. ended up trying to study in the morning but nothing went it.. messed up todays paper so badly, especially coz i dint read the question properly, so i left out ONE WHOLE ESSAY!!! 20 mks out of a 100. *clap rachel* what e hell have i done to deserve such a bad time now?????? i have no idea what i did.. i dint hurt anyone but myself. i dint anger anyone. i dint curse anyone. i dint try and let anyone down. i dont remember putting anyone down either. so why me? I DIDNT DO ANYTHING, YET EVERY F-ING BAD THING IN THIS ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS HAPPENING TO ME. ok its not so drastic and i'm prob forgetting abt the poor ppl in africa... etc etc, but right now, i can't even care for myself and i have no one to care for me. i just feel like giving up on myself and just letting everything go.

to make things worse, i just read about other ppl and their SO and i suddenly miss him very much. wish i could join in the conversation and share my views, but somehow i dun think they belong to me anymore. sometimes u think u can deal with stuff, but when hell breaks loose, u realise ur all alone, and no one can pick u up except urself. so what happens when u fall sick and no one can pick u up? i have yet to answer my own question. :(
wheezed on Friday, September 17, 2004 at 09:38 p.m.

oh lord. i feel miserable today. try a bad much ado paper, a picture i saw of myself in february, before the bad makeup ruined my face, and a combination of low self-esteem. quite a beautiful punch. in the face. no?
wheezed on Thursday, September 16, 2004 at 07:09 p.m.

laughing stars **

I think i can appear to be happy all day, but become sad at night. the night is when there's no need to live up to these expectations, no need to show everyone that i'm okay. maybe i'm like beatrice, born under a laughing star, but coz my mother cried when she gave birth, so it cancels out the happiness i'm perceived to have (for the non-lit takers, Much Ado about Nothing). you say you can never imagine me crying, i say i cant imagine myself being genuinely happy, for now. sigh, but now its back to hit the books, and time to put on a smile! =)

am selling some items, you can look at them here. Tell me if you like any of them!! Size S mostly though... either Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollisterco (Sister Co), Delia's or AE. ALL US brands. Bought online, no money now wanna sell. ALL BRAND NEW NOT WORN B4!!!!!
wheezed on Sunday, September 12, 2004 at 10:58 a.m.

happy again!

Today was the first day since that day that i woke up at ease, peaceful, and beautiful. I woke up feeling silk and realised that it was myself. I woke up smiling and realised that I was just happy to be me. Woke up optimistic and joyous and just generally, lovely =) (ok sue, i'm sorry i lied, i still dint feel like facing the world)

I guess this is my way of feeling renewed, my way to tell you too, that I'm okay. Thank you to everyone who's been so sweet to me, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! =) The greatest thing about a breakup is that you know that you have such wonderful friends. EVeryone around me, thank you. you've helped me so much just by knowing that i wont be alone in this....

esp aubrey, haha, im gonna take the "you're hot" part seriously and become the confident happy person i was before this!!! The truth is, I really know that i'm gonna be okay... as in, I feel okay already! Muacks to everyone. Today is the day when i will start to concentrate and really put my head into my exams. Only got a few days, but i think i should try and make up for those lost times.. the wallowing and erm... self-pity for nothing. I can't even find myself the reason. I guess its just sth i HAD to do. blahhh.

Honestly, i think its just a very good day. And i really think i have God to thank for that, and Lynn for reminding me that He is there for me. yay! WHEEE!!! do talk to me, yall. i miss you!!! =)
wheezed on Friday, September 10, 2004 at 06:31 p.m.

happy again!

Today was the first day since that day that i woke up at ease, peaceful, and beautiful. I woke up feeling silk and realised that it was myself. I woke up smiling and realised that I was just happy to be me. Woke up optimistic and joyous and just generally, lovely =) (ok sue, i'm sorry i lied, i still dint feel like facing the world)

I guess this is my way of feeling renewed, my way to tell you too, that I'm okay. Thank you to everyone who's been so sweet to me, I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! =) The greatest thing about a breakup is that you know that you have such wonderful friends. EVeryone around me, thank you. you've helped me so much just by knowing that i wont be alone in this....

esp aubrey, haha, im gonna take the "you're hot" part seriously and become the confident happy person i was before this!!! The truth is, I really know that i'm gonna be okay... as in, I feel okay already! Muacks to everyone. Today is the day when i will start to concentrate and really put my head into my exams. Only got a few days, but i think i should try and make up for those lost times.. the wallowing and erm... self-pity for nothing. I can't even find myself the reason. I guess its just sth i HAD to do. blahhh.

Honestly, i think its just a very good day. And i really think i have God to thank for that, and Lynn for reminding me that He is there for me. yay! WHEEE!!! do talk to me, yall. i miss you!!! =)
wheezed on Friday, September 10, 2004 at 06:31 p.m.

comeback.

I decided to post because today is a happy day. and happy days just scream to be recorded down. why happy? i dunno, guess i got to meet martin after having not meeting him (his exams) for some time.. quality time, good time, yes. i like leaving a person feeling good. don't you? some ppl been feeling sad lately, i know, if i can be a better friend to you, tell me. i do love all of you, well yeah, you're my friend if you're reading this right? :) well, been a bit rash and insensitive lately.. by not really doing much actually, i've been sitting there analysing ppl and thinking of things. lenny says when u take a person as your friend you accept all good and bad. i guess my friends all gotta take a lot of my bad in huh. its ok! i love u too!! hee.

was actually on a double decker today, sat at the bottom and thought, hey, i should go up! then i suddenly remembered a childhood memory. a time when sitting on a double decker used to be a little treat for me. daddy would bring us to singapore, and say, lets go ride the double decker! and we would be happy little things, rushing up the bus and marvelling at how high up we were, and how low everyone was. how sad it is, that i no longer seek perfection in just staying stagnant, can't find the calmness and peace in me. i need to do something. i need this, i need that, i guess what i really need, is to re-evalualate my life, my relationship with God, my studies. tomorrow i will bring myself to go to church.

well there, i was supposed to be happy. yes. so well, have been having a good week, did well for some of the essays i've bothered to sit down to do, and i do acknowledge nothing there is my own effort. early last week i was so freaked out, knowing that the going is gonna be bloody tough, i just broke down. and dad talked to me, asked me to trust in Him.. i mean, after all i must be here for a reason. my whole existence must mean something, and i know that. so when i got down to do my work, things just clicked. so i know its not me, by myself. thank you for being next to me. i want to do well, you know. not be pretentious and lie to myself about everything, but i want to do well. i want to go somewhere. but im also addicted to online shopping and freecell. i'm worried shit and stressed, but i'm also carefree. i can study for an hour, and shit off online for 3. need to strike a balance. yeah. clearing out my thoughts.

anyway, its kinda semi nice to be back. just blogging for my brilliantly long list of fans who constantly badger me to blog =D nah, just kidding. take care, and good luck to those who will be fighting this one long last battle (well towards the As la) together. lets hope we all make it true, reach past our expectations and aims. i miss u becky lim!! cant wait to go home and just be with my family. im starting to be at my wits end trying to cope with everything here. palliatives. palliatives. oh hello again, cards!! haha, off i go now!
wheezed on Sunday, August 22, 2004 at 12:15 a.m.

a temporary hiatus.. only till my addictions r cured! :)

hey all! (especially my desparate fans always logging on to read my blog)

i haven't been reading your blogs or emails or updating etc etc BECAUSE the stupid internet in the hostel has gone totally wonky!! can u imagine how many times ive had to refresh just to open pitas... sighs. useless like hell i can't even access my email half e time.... :( AND i can't log on to MSN!!! this has got to be a super uber punishment of sorts :( i'm miserable.. other than that, i'm normally busy refreshing my yahoo auctions that i'm addicted to: type victorias secret, abercrombie, hollister, armani hehe to see what i'm so interested in if you're dead bored! :) i would love for someone to buy me sth nice from there, i LOVE the camisoles but they r so sinful... anyone feeling generous and sweet? *smile* welll... there's another confession actually. when i'm not online, i'm busy mahjonging in school, or bridging at home. what a social life! mwuahahaha. i need someone to stop fueling my addictions. one way, of coz, is to buy me e stuff i want!!! *grin*
wheezed on Thursday, July 15, 2004 at 11:40 p.m.

reflections

Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you,
'Cause all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove,

Oh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone,
Oh well, it seemed like such fun until you lose what you had won
Ooh oo

Give me back my point of view 'cause I just can't think for you,
I can hardly hear you say, what should I do? Well you choose

Oh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone,
Oh well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won,
Oh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone,
A fool of everyone

Take my photo of the wall if it just won't sing for you,
'Cause all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to do

Oh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone,
Oh well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won,
Oh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone
A fool of everyone,
A fool of everyone

wheezed on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 at 12:42 a.m.

i hate my life man..

i feel all hollow inside but i dun really wanna talk about it here. i don't know what to do about you, but i do know that i have to make a choice and get a grip on my life soon...

have been up since 3pm yesterday, have a flu and cold now. damn annoyed with myself.. why do i keep abusing my body? started on my protein and enzymes and detox stuff my daddy gave me.. gonna see how long i can continue to run.. i'm only doing in thrice a wk, don't want huge muscles.. went with charm sue crys von jo & mel to suntec where we had delifrance (the rice pratin is gross!) then charm sue and von went to get their eyebrows done. the woman seems to like thin eyebrows, haha! i think charm's look only a bit trimmed, which is what i like. von looks completely diff! hehe.. duo run with bry was crazy la, we like shot thru our lines and stuff, only took abt 20 mins.. hehe hope we still can do it! haven't even had a mono run, tmr's the day!!! am feeling nervous and kinda scared... hehe... i don't wanna screw up when ppl i know r coming to watch! sigh.

to tell you honestly how i feel, i feel single and lonely and helluva depressed. and its not because martin can't come for the show. it really isnt, coz i understand that and i know for once his priorities might be right. there's a lot of other things i wish i could talk about freely.. i'm really v sad, though i try and show everyone a happy smiley face..
wheezed on Thursday, July 8, 2004 at 04:51 p.m.

i've been up for more than 36 hours! haha. couldn't sleep last nite so me, lili and ngee shin agreed to take a bus down to the airport to get breakfast before heading to school. heeeee. we reached there and was disappointed that sakae, crystal jade, popeye chicken etc was closed... duh rite, its 6 in the morning! haha settled happily for coffeee bean where they had the salmon scrambled eggs meal and i had FOOD FOR THOUGHT ;) yummy! we have decided to do this once in awhile, its quite fun! looooove it. i love u ngeeshin n lili! n phuong 2 for the idea, and don't hate me darl! well, we were 5 mins late to school though, coz of the silly old lady that drove so slowly me and lili kept cursing. haha! it was ok though, i was high all the way, even throughout math, but started to feel v v v sleepy after that. after helping jasmine for a super long time i felt real tired, but twas time for tsd. am not looking forward to an academic year!

outing with fareeena and tassha and later on saiyidah was wonderfully fulfilling as usual, i really miss my darlings.. miss the times when we would act all mad and dance in orchard road following the tv screen at lido, scream loudly and not care about what people say, insult and tease and have fun with each other and life is just sweet and innocent and happy and pretty. dint wanna leave them, but weyling called me at 630! had to go see her, and we had a yummy pizza meal which i couldn't finish coz of the heavy lunch at 4+! hehe. i scraped the toppings and left the crust though, could barely finish my foooood. loved the company though, i really enjoyed chatting with weyling, then REALLY talking, then listen to her.. i think she awakened something in me. i really gotta start thinking properly man. sighs.

i don't wanna grow up,
be a toys 'r' us kid...

can't remember the rest of the song. shit. i'm really old.
wheezed on Tuesday, July 6, 2004 at 11:45 p.m.

i couldn't resist: these are addressed messages.

this is what the mean girl said to the asshole: "i won't dream of replying at your level of immaturity because i would lose a friendship over you and its not worth it."

-- private comment that only very few people would get =) (sorry, i tried to forget that "joke" but i can't whenever ur aura is in my room, like this morning.)

i'm sad that greece won, because they don't deserve to. passive footballing isn't football, their nazi-like playing was NOT creativity or anything crap those commentators said. yeah sure they played well, marking like shit and holding up their side of the field well and scoring with just that corner kick. but its sad that playing like that gave them the championship. what happened to the fun and spontaneity of a game and entertainment for us supporters staying up in this bloody wee hour? heh. sad. i teared, and as i did, i remembered nadia who used to cry when her footballers lost. she said she felt how they felt. i did too... i forgot the effect football could have on me if i watched and desperately supported.. ah well. martin lost his bet. hehee.

oh ya, i met ket again. everything i meet ket i feel strangely... awkward. super self- conscious. not coz i feel inferior, but coz when she looks at me, i kinda feel like she's givin me some head-to-toe scrunity and crossing out in a big long list which makes me feel, really, really, weird. then i worry about my hair standing or not washed or food stuck in my teeth and hands that might be dry and i reach out and clamp my mouth and tug on my clothes and then i feel like i've returned to that day.......

nadia, this is why i kept my distance. i've kinda grown a little to understand that i can never erase this feeling, and that is why i'm telling you what i feel, and why i did what i did.
wheezed on Monday, July 5, 2004 at 04:40 p.m.

look at this gross pic la!

PASSIONATE LOVER. You love to love, always looking
for a relationship. You cannot live without it.
Your lover must be passionate and you want
that you and your partner melt into each other.
He/She should not try to take the domination .
You dont want a relationship without passion,
and the sexuality plays a big part. The first
moment you meet him/her is one of the most
important. There has to be something between
you , you cannot explain. From the first moment
on everything must fix. But when this passion
disappears you disappear to. For you it is
better to leave than to see your love
restrained.
wheezed on Monday, July 5, 2004 at 04:24 p.m.

entry of such: updates! spidey, lili's makeover, and my darling..

i made lili look like a princess!!! =) am happy and proud of my efforts, she looks like a mongolian princess with her braids, clips and dark eyeshadowy makeup and pink lips! yay! i also gave her a bit of shade to make her face longer. ahahaha! phuong was like- you miss tsd too much is it? do you know what time i ended? 5am!!!!!!! yup, thats what i was busy doing, until i couldn't fall asleeeep.

its not easy to get a load of things off your mind. words do hurt and they can break your bones despite what you think. do ppl really let go, can u really remove the baggage and let go? i asked him if he still felt like that, he says, whenever he's angry he'll remember these things again. i dont want him to remember. i'm afraid of what will happen if it becomes too strong to control. i should've never let him down. i wish i wish i wish i never felt what i felt. i've tried to blame so many things you know- the same venue, my mum's msg reminding me of her aspirations for me, the time and my hunger, the fucking mrt, walking, the buying of the camera, but i know actually, i'm to be blamed. what the hell was wrong with me? i never appreciate what he does for me until its too late. its always what i overlook. he loves me but i will never believe it. i will always force him to the point where one day, he wont look back anymore and he will never love me and my heart will break forever and i wont be me anymore.

i always love going to the cathay cinemas, everytime i go there i watch a satisfying, emotion (or loins) rousing show and i leave feeling extremely happy and bloated with love. hehe. also!!!!! spiderman is the best show i've watched in a long time! katenleopord still holds as best tho. the acting was great (the lines were corny but they nvr deterred me from the show coz i was too caught up in their emotions- cant count e no of times i cried! only tobey could pull off such bad lines!!), haha, i was bragging to martin coz he said they are eye actors without much movement which is what i am normally ;) haha! whoa the chemistry was fuckingsizzlinghot, and spidey's the best hero of all because he has weaknesses and love and courage to let go, and bravery and wonderful eyes and his imperfections only serve to make him PURRRFECT!!!! heh.

i love edo sushi. martin was a darling baby and ordered us soft shell crab because we THOUGHT we were REALY hungry, ended up we were forcing the crab down our throats! haha. yes. i think everyone's right, it's been a long time since we last went out. other than meeting him when i just came back, the whole time before holidays were so stressful for us.. we didn't even meet much, except when i sent him off or when he was sick. painful. phuong says my "oh ya" in the prev blog sounds like i was adding it in for effect. haha! 2- ways la actually, i did because huan they all said i haven't talked abt martin in some time so that was my conscious effort.. ;) but also coz i really did miss him that day. two of us are slave drivers. we will work and work, then when we stop to catch our breath, we'll go- hey, where's martin (rachel)? so that was my breath catching. realised he has 6 wks to prelims, i dont wanna disturb him loads too.. he's really striving to do well.. i know he can! he's the smartest person i know :)

meanwhile, i'm just hoping my failure for econs wont be too bad.. hehe. and PC too.. all those crap i wrote *blush-red*
wheezed on Sunday, July 4, 2004 at 02:07 p.m.

end

its the end! but the whole process was painful, 2 days is not enough to study math and learn a few new topics at the same time; econs will be the death of me but i can't understand the death of plath; and tsd was tsd, as usual. i suppose when all comes out, i will have to pick myself up, laugh at me and learn from my lazzzzzzzzziness. if i get beyond an O for my econs, i shall treat somebody to icecream at haagen daaz. hah. anyone wanna trade this icecream treat with me? :) am wide awake with a overworked body, am supposed to be sleeping now. yes. i will go off. i promise. :) nite all. btw, this is a great place for all of us to learn about the essentials of our future lives once we begin the great adventure (hehe). muachies darlings!!! oh ya! i miss martin la... suddenly my mind is free again.. no more stress n worry.. and i keep thinking of tt idiot.. hehe. maybe i'll give him a call. i bet he's studying! HAH :P
wheezed on Thursday, July 1, 2004 at 10:26 p.m.

plath

kill me another way! its so difficult to understand the mind of that mad woman who gassed herself to death la.. sighs. "Cut". I see actions, self-destruction, violence, all that you set out to do gives you both pleasure and pain, that's quite freaky. so i tried to "self- destruct" as well, so i could understand well, the poem better. thought for a long while before i figured to use my hair! hehe, so i cut off some bits to give myself a short fringe. din't learn much about the pain of self- destruction, but the hair looks pretty good. MWUAHHAHAHAHA. ok, sorry, sorry. i'm NOT insulting plath, i'm NOT insulting ppl who cut or anything ok? i'm just having a bit of fun.. i do respect her intelligence, just that its so damn hard for me to understand her depression. :(
wheezed on Tuesday, June 29, 2004 at 08:06 p.m.

its time for me to clear things up:

alright. in this post i'm gonna have to apologise to bryna for being a bitch a few blogs ago, which i have removed because i realise how bloody vicious that few lines were, erp, and also for the huge misunderstanding that was created. i've never been so relieved to be wrong!!! hahaha. also to lynnie, for having unwittingly dragged her into this mess when she really had nothing to do with it. sorry babe!! :( i owe u one. also to yas for being "the mediator" as she would like to be la, and convincing me to talk to bryna. also to my fellow bimbos, for our grouped misconception of bry. hehe. its ok my PRETTIES, we'll still be happy little bimbos rite? and to lenny for bringing himself into this huge mess but i'm still laughing at him. its ok la len. heheh.

ok well, so i should clear stuff up for readers as well. turns out we were wrong, bryna didnt insult us, it was lenny's brilliant "petty - his own words!" thingy to get at von which he brought bry in.. a bit complicated but e thing is tt bry doesn't hate them la... thank goodness, i was afraid killer looks would b shot around class and soon we'd become a52bimbos and a52intellects. tt would be scary eh! but lenny is a silly boy who seems so scared n afraid now tt i find it so funny and i wanna laugh at him. i also promise tt i never meant it about bry's shoes n bags, i just wanted to make a vicious statement and i obviously couldn't do it about her hair (i always thought tt wud b a sensitive topic :P) or her clothes since we wear uniforms. so i threw in the bag, but im quite jealous of that little purse of hers n the way her shoes look on her, so my statement are pretty void. they were malicious immature statements! :(

ok then about bry hating me. she says she doesnt, which i do believe her now, and at all points where i tot she was "bitching" about me she was talking abt me, but about totally innocent things supposedly (like when i tot she was making a vicious remark abt me while i was putting on makeup she was saying tt i look like yunwen's mask), and she was v much afraid of me as i was of her (she thought i hated her coz i always had my pissed off look, which i reserve specially to look serious. seemed to have a wrong effect). heh. well we seem to be a great messed up partners as we would both go off after slots wondering what the hell we did wrongly after each slot.. pretty scary eh? we also had a similar bad experience la.. which made us super wary of each other. tt was why she called me malicious, she thought i was gonna attack her; but ironically her saying tt made me think she hated me so much. yeah, like i said, thank goodness its cleared, coz i dont think i couldn't have handled the hostility any longer, and it would b quite difficult for my friends and hers and ours as well. sighs, i do wanna apologise yet again for all my accusations towards her because they were made at the point when i was upset and hurt... and i said all those things because i thought they were true, tho i realise now they were not. am v sorry bryna, hope ur ok now... am happy we resolved things :)
wheezed on Wednesday, June 23, 2004 at 03:12 p.m.

yeah im procrastinating... ;)

Your Secondary School: anderson sec

1. Nicknames in sec school: rach? i dont remember any..

2. Sport you were into: eating!!! we always ate so much. FINE. a real sport? capt's ball. it was fun. i hated running...

3. Had a gang of frens? yes my yummy atiqah fareena tassha huda and nadia! there we were, happy ppl!!!

4. Best subject? sigh. LIT. i used to get full marks kind. look at me now!!!!!

5. Worst subject? ironically, math... haha. n then i suddenly got it!

6. A teacher you owe life lessons to? mr k! he taught me so much abt theatre, about being a erm, more mature-less bitchy person, n he gave me confidence! :)

7. A teacher you wanna kick in the ass? ms loh li woon! she said i dint mix ard w ppl enough! i was so upset.. esp since im always busy_bodying around ;)

**Describe**

8. Sec 1 year major bad boy choice there decided congwei e fellow scholar who was super quiet to me was hot but he seemed to hate me. hehe. then met my darling friends and we hung out all the time.... but tt was only after awhile. errr joined rp so dint hang ard in sch much, did e play and fell in lve.. got grounded by the hostel coz dint go back.... fell out of love too n was sad. and did well for exams. then found my love for internet. heh. we used quickdot! i remember!

9. Sec 2 year me n friends go out everyday after school, roamin the towns and west yes we did. on days the rest dint come me n nad went, stuck like glue we were! :) we also joined drama club which prob saved ourlives, met fez lang naga yas jas... i liked jeremy teo 4 awhile BAD choice there. went to chiangmai, changed me a bit n foudn out e normal stream guys r super sweet :) also love the kids there.. sighs bad year coz no lve! oh wait! there was yongyi!!! another stupid choice there lucky me unscathed.. also xingfan but all just crushes n shorttermed hee

10. Sec 3 year a weird combi of class, thank god 4 nadia jas n yas. had minor or major (eek) tiffle with yas met darlings martin n gang my best male friends ever: pop buk alme n darling martin! errr joined rp which saw me with ben for awhile... then in e end realised who i was inlove with! gang of friends all separated but still lunch n recess togetehr! end of year saw atiqah moving to aussie :( we missed you!!! but remmeber us 2 working 2gether to mc for campfire.. but i fell sick halfway. eek.

11. Sec 4 year: happily attached, and happily working with our m1yc.. we did our show in drama centre! went to marryatville (adelaide) and had the funnest time! gang of darling friends still strong, did a lot of silly things i think.. but studied hard n suddenly did brilliantly for math.. studied hard for prelims to get me in vj.

12. Your best friend was? nadia! as in we were all close but she was e best friend coz we were always together n we were crazy la basically.. i remember fighting over chem lab classes that was e most fun! but i dint like some of her friends n then there was martin so we kinda drifted along e way.. but i dunno. :|

13. Your worst friend was? heh. i think dewi coz she hated me so much it was terrifying.

14. Cafeteria food that sucked? errrrr.... i think twas tt real gross malay food store. yuck. i did love the wanton noodles tho. yum. n e indian food.

15. Most hilarious school rule? err. tight school belts! we all looked gross in them!!! and making us line up b4 returning to class coz we were late? tt was stupid. we need time to eat!!!!

16. Wore uniforms? yeah ugly maternity dresses, hated them. but it hid your food baby after u stuffed food!! :P

17. How was the prom? ok i finally admit i should've worn sth body hugging rather than flowy... damn.. but every1 looked great and it was loads of fun! bong was my date.. haha sweet thing i'll always love him! too bad my camera was left in e taxi, stupid me... yupyup. had a lot of fun n nadia looked stunning, i remmeber... what else? ooh i won a mini camera in e lucky draw!!! - yes lose one win one..

18. Who was prom king and queen? oh dear.. did we have one? i honestly can't remember tt....

19. Any achievements? i'm the "arts" student. haha! all becoz of drama la.. the best thing me n nadia did e whole sec school life was join drama! won me coupla stuff 2 give me my A, oh n guides made me public relations officer.. i dint do anything. i swear!

20. Were you popular? er, dun think so.. ppl kinda knew i was e actor person, but i dint noe e whole school.. ;)

21. Best song that reminds you of pri school? haha! peng you by jacky cheung.. chinese sch la..

22. Unforgettable pri school crush? who else? chun hong of coz. oh dear. dance partners then i tot he liked me, n got upset at him, then he really liked me, then he stole my shoe!! ah but we had a great time. he's kinda like my first love. heehee. i remember our "relationship" consisted of a lot of chasing around. i wonder how he is now....

23. Most embarrassing moment? wearing braces! i wore them for 3 mths and i was so embarassed!! took them off asap.. but htank god e dracula front teeth r gone!

24. Memory you'd like to forget about sec school? fighting with yasmin... oh dear. and probably that stupid thing i did to jeremy.

25. Best memory? my darling friends. trooping to ljs, bk, town, birthday presents, and def def def performing... :)

26. Any regrets? being a bitch, mostly.

27. Would you like your "future child" to attend your sec school? i dont know.. i always wanted my son in RI if he's in singapore.. hehe.. n mgs if a girl.. but anderson's gettin better n better.. tho we hated it at first..

28. Were the bathrooms clean? they were, actually... just not as clean as vj in e morning!

29. How were the lunch boys? as in e guys u see during lunch rite? coz we dint have like "servers".. erm. the normal stream guys were hot!

30. Song that would best describe your sec school life: blink182! all e small things! i dunno why tho... i just remember sch when i sing tt song... :)
wheezed on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 at 03:13 p.m.

beware of rachel the spider!

what am i gonna doooooooooo??? i finally started dragging out my lot of paperwork in an attempt to study after seeing how martin boy is doing his work all e time. guess what? NOw IM SHIT WORRIED!!!! so far i've done math: differentiation and integration. yup. that's about it. ok i figure i gotta at least pass math if that kills me. don't really care abt econs now, lit is hopeless for me, and tsd's unseen, right? someone pls confirm with the teachers!!! :) well that said, i feel EXTREMELY LUCKY I DONT TAKE HISTORY!!!

there was a bit of a scare today coz i lost my handbag with my ic, student pass, impt documents etc and my mum thought the temporary maid who worked for a day and left stole it. then she yelled at me, scolded me, blablabla and then, it was just hidden at a corner. thank god.i was about to call the police. hee hee. what i wanna say though, is ppl who have followed my life stories from a long time ago would know that mum yelling at me would have gotten me in a rage, a killing spitfire between us, and tearful posts from me. i must have grown up! yay!!! *dances around* i seem to be viewing things in a much more light-hearted manner these days. :) maybe i'm just happy. i must be since i'm putting on weight and martin says i'm having a happy holiday, that's why.

and take a look at my warning label!

"ACHTUNG!

rachel may actually be a spider-human hybrid

Username:

wheezed on Tuesday, June 22, 2004 at 01:53 p.m.

a kinda coherent thoughts post!

[ALright, ive editted stuff from this post coz i was previously unaware of how mean it was- you know me machine gun.. and it seems that i have misunderstood the person as well who obviously does not deserve this msg, but instead my apologies. its cowardly to remove it, but i think tis even meaner to keep it, and leave the strain. so here goes.]

i miss my fellow bad influences =), i wanna go out with u guys and be all bimbotic and fun and talk about the naughty stuff on the magazines and eat all the sinful food (how many sins have i created so far? hee hee). well i'm so bored today after washing the dogs and doing the dishes and lecturing poor martin on unfaithful men (YES GO AND DIE YOU EVIL WOMAN AND YOU UNFAITHFUL MAN!!! I THOUGH ALL RI BOYS WERE GOOD MEN. OBVIOUSLY SOME, OR ONE OF YOU IS NOT!) tt i feel.... bored now. so i did a coupla quizzies, been such a long time! i dont wanna be a CHILDS KISS damn i want lenny's DOMINANT kiss haha. martin look out!!!!! ;)

ok darlings in singapore i really really miss you!!! bringing back some oats cookies and choc chip ones, and a fruit cake! hehe. i miss class so much! but im wishing the exams wouldn't come. i have a huge untouched stack, and i wanna die......... just... thinking... of... the terms..... should i just forego one term's exam??? should i? hehe, anyone else wanna join me??

a list of what i wanna do:
meet martin, hug martin, go out with martin; go out with charm huan sue crys von fatma; go watch yuran's play with yassie n martin!!! and be a witty bitch!; group outing that we haven't done *aherm* steamboat and my pressie!!!; go out with rib kakis, celebrate my birthday leh!; my darling ena tash huda sai i want my pressiee!!!!; late night talk with jayne; sleeping with my roommate (haha, jhalley!); martinmartinmartin; school's oily beehoon; go to the zooo, etc. you see? we shouldn't have tests/exams!!!!!!

WORSHIP! You're inner Bombshell is the beautiful
Audrey Hepburn. Like her you've been blessed
with a "certain something" that no
one could describe accurately. You are more
reserved than other bombshells, and that shows
in your gentle, graceful nature. You like doing
things for other people and love volunteering
for your favorite charity. Yours is a rare gift
in this day and age. You don't need to show a
lot of skin to be sexy, all you need is your
eyes. To see Audrey at the top of her game
watch the movie "Breakfast at
Tiffanys".

You are a child's kiss. Completely sweet and
innocent and pure. You mean no harm and only
love in your sweet kisses.

Gryffindor! Fun-loving and ballsy down to the last
detail, you follow rules when it's convenient
for you and never turn down an opportunity to
par-tay. You're loud, mischievous, and a little
naive at times, but never let your awesome
self-confidence waver. Like Slytherin, you too
appreciate the finer things in life...just in a
very...different way.
wheezed on Sunday, June 20, 2004 at 05:01 p.m.

helo there! been taking time off enjoying my life away at the good food and cable tv of home, haha! today i'm sitting around in the house, hopefully not leaving the place at all if i can help it, coz my face is all dried up! crinkled actually... i'm on medication.. sighs.. anyway, its only supposed to last a day, so oh well, i'll stuff my face with melted chocolate i stole from mum's kitchen while she was making a chocolate cake! hee heee.

ah well, the thing is that i'm feeling rather peaceful at home. i dunno, there's just no stress, no competition, no bitchiness, no need to pretend. i can be happy sad or angry or whatever i want, nobody would judge me. hah. and i am happy. sighs too bad next wk i'm gonna have to go back, but dad's going off earlier than me! he's leaving tonight for US; wish i could ask him 2 buy me many many things, but somehow i have a feeling he wont buy me miniskirts tt i want.................... ;)

jayne, are you ok? take care ya.. sorry about last nite, i fell asleep and someone offed my comp i guess. you hang in there n be good!

DARLING I MISS YOU!!!
wheezed on Friday, June 18, 2004 at 04:33 p.m.

alrite, read my mini lecture at ur own risk!

this is a msg to all: PLEASE DO NOT TAKE DRUGS!!!!!

today we went to taiping 2 visit my granny, she's a lot better now, she can sit upright and talk non-stop, haha think its a family gene ;) grandma was so cute and granddad was great company, so made me a bit happier. i feel kinda sad coz she's in quite a dumpy place, but its taiping and i guess tts the best they can do. they can't keep her at home coz all the aunties and uncles work and they're afraid a maid might bully her? i don't know.. but she's a lot better! grandma still has nice black hair, btw, yay! anyways grandma can still remember my name lar thank goodness, only she kept commenting about my horrible breakout. speaking of which my father has put me on some detox shit on the claim of my breakouts rising sue to internal problems, not external. oh my god. whatever it is i hope it clears, otherwise i'm gonna demand for real facial treatments thank u very much. don't want my face to die off and leave me all alone *shudder*

anyawy the point is that we went to my youngest uncle's place to rest and the neighbour came over, seems his son, who is married and has a son, is a drug addict, took a lot of money and promised to check himself into a rehab centre tomorrow. and they believed him.. obviously he's not going to lar and tts just sad. i mean you have a child and a wife dammit, take some responsibility, wont you? so you're just gonna take all the money and run off and satisfy your stupid little addiction which will eventually kill you? i was quite sad, the elderly neighbour is already so old, the son's prob what, at least 40, he looks older than my granddad, and he can't even rest properly like how he should. if i could talk to the guy, i'd really give him a slap on the head and try and wake him up. because i think no matter how wonderful these drugs make you feel, im telling you, you're just in denial man. if u were young and wild and gone mad and no strings, then its up to you lar, screw your own life and learn from your mistakes, but what's going to happen to the small boy? i'd be real sad to grow up ina home without my dad because he irresponsibly got addicted to drugs. i mean, come on, how OLD are you?

yes, i'm really upset. but the point is, maybe, that i got traumatised later on (which is possibly why i'm SO affected) coz i saw a man just stand in front of our car and PEE!!! in the middle of the road!!!!! ok, i've NEVER seen anything like this before, and no, taiping isn't known for drugs but i'm quite worried if something is going on... sigh. anyway, this man just pulled down his pants and peed, right in front of us. dad said he's prob an addict. i could kill him. how dare he! and my sister, i really hope she dint see anything. later on i heard another news about someone else suffering after drugs as well. so i'm really angry, actually.

look, if you want to do drugs, pls think twice. if its just for social purposes, to fit in and all that shit, forget it. if its to feel good and get high and forget your problems, pls realise that you create more problems, not just for yourself, but also ppl around you tt care are affected. even ppl who are not your frens are affected. if its coz you're like seriously depressed or sth, pls talk to someone, or check into a rehab, or go see a psych. if its just coz you like it, piss off and go to hell. pls pls pls don't do drugs. i don't think its worth it. you end up losing your family, your friends, your loved ones, but most importantly, you lose yourself. think about those very moments as you beg or steal for money, or PEE IN THE ROADSIDE or do anything gross in public, humiliating youself, the aftereffects of the drugs, and you should realise, the person that drugs affect most of all, is you. don't risk it.
wheezed on Sunday, June 13, 2004 at 12:08 a.m.

whee

i agree with fatma that concrete angel by martina mcbride is the saddest video ever!!!!;

hello all, am home! just had hot stimulating sotong on a nasi lemak and feeling really great. =) chilli is good and so is home! mum made me chocolate and cheese cake. can't wait!!!

see you!

anyone who knows ms heng, she is getting married on saturday!!!
wheezed on Thursday, June 10, 2004 at 10.35p.m.

if shariza my darling reads this: girl i really really am not angry anymore. i feel bad for like screaming at you, coz we were in a really really bad state then, but you know what? it really is ok.. dont feel guilty ok? take care!!
wheezed on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 at 10:07 p.m.

this will be my last blog about you-- unless you do something again

you are scary. when you hug me or cheer me on i never know if you are sincere. i know that i am trying very hard to be sincere to you though. but you could break my heart man. i never wanna fight with you coz ppl used to tell me that probably i was wrong, i always wanted to believe it anyway because you APPEAR to be a good person. thats ok. sometimes i see through you, sometimes i really can't. maybe because i really wanna believe you as well. how do i say my final entry about you? i felt that today in the morning while raudhah was putting on make up that you were talking about me. i felt that you were saying that i behave like that in real life... was i imagining things? maybe i am. but this is how afraid i am of you. this is how i feel you view me. as if I am e dirtiest, most disgusting, low-living life in this planet earth. am i right? you are ruining my life man. i can't believe i would ever let someone like YOU make me feel so insecure. and i don't want to feel any emotion towards you. let me have this break to go back to my normal happier self.

that said, over and done with, my exams are over!! there were a lot of scary moments, i.e. someone coming in during e piece (tssk), breakdowns (bry before and me after), misunderstandings (juniors forgetting to bring my costume 2 ava when i said so... missing gloves, thank God for the SECOND PAIR!!!), hearing the wrong words (we thought Pym said "you didn't fulfill the criteria.. from the acting skill, but actually he says that he said "did").... Pym is a dear fellow after all. coz me and bryna really and truly thought he said we didn't fulfill any criteria and were like breaking down throughout, he said he felt so bad that we were so sad and we had heard wrongly and he wanted to speak to us to reassure us! how sweet is that! now i really hope he means what he says the 2nd time, coz tt'll mean we did well right? q&a went fine, and finally.... the teachers, ms poon and lofty are darlings. really. i just wana say thank you to duo partner:bryna, you've appeared to be a wonderful partner and making me believe that you believe in me and in us, and to the crew, despite all the hiccups, i still love u guys. because you make me happy and loved. promise.

ta, home tomorrow!

p.s. haha james said maybe pym will give us extra marks coz he feels bad we heard wrongly! what do u think? :P
p.s. 2. i love being a bimbo! haha.. except u have to be pretty as well, so shall i be shameless and pretend i am? :P
wheezed on Wednesday, June 9, 2004 at 09:03 p.m.

butterflies in me stomach

oh my goodness i am so scared. all the actors, and so far all the pieces went well, so congrats and yay!!! :) but that only makes me get all shittifiedly fearful---- what if mine doesn't??????????

die man.

ok, i will be strong and pray for His mercy and grace, yes? thank you Lord!!! help me get past tomorrow, i am so afraid, i can't do this on my own! pls be with me, and guide me and help me the way i always know you do. amen :)
wheezed on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 at 08:24 p.m.

i miss martin so much!!!

wheezed on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 at 01:08 a.m.

likeliness

today started out ok for me, i had nice lunch and i had a nice time talking to jo, jasmine, xtine, yunwen.. until i realised that i was just deceiving myself. no no no, i'm not gonna be deceived. i see you talking, i will just pretend that i have no idea at all what you are talking about. i'll just stuff some cake and make myself happy. smile at people who really mean a lot to me, those who mean what they say. yes, i've seen through you. i wont be deceived!!!

sighs. but yes. jasmine says, at some point, i will have to decide whether religion affects us in the long run. i see her worrying so much about her and adrian. why don't i ever worry about it? is it enough to leave it in God's hands, or do i need to intervene myself? i'm scared, that's what i am. that much i'm willing to admit.

and YOU, i have no idea what i'm going to do lar. smile and pretend the way you do. thats all life is about. no? you taught me that, and i've reverted to that person i said that i would never want to be again. but dont worry, its only to you.
wheezed on Tuesday, June 8, 2004 at 12:51 a.m.

i wish i could talk to you, but i know you would talk about me more, so let me tell you how i feel.

oh my god. i wanted to say i hate you- but i realise i don't. i can't i guess. but you? you are the walking nightmare of what i always thought i had left behind. why do you go around talking bad about me about the stupidest things ever? what is wrong with being a bimbo? does that make me a bad influence? why can't i defend my friend? its the same way you would defend your own friend. if you hate me, why do you come to me? why pretend to be my friend? why pretend to hug me and tell me nice things? what did i do wrong to you? if you don't like the way i do things or treat people why don't you just tell me? must you go behind my back and smile to me from the front? that's evil. i never even said anything about you to anyone in tsd ever since that long long time ago. i respect you. i thought you did too. eventhough i have nothing in common with you and we have such different beliefs, i respect you. i care for you you know, when you cry, when you worry, when you complain, i feel for you. how was i to know you do the same behind my back. what's the point? why are you like this? if i disagree about something with you, i would keep it to myself. ethics. i do admit i cannot talk to you properly and we would come off as unable to communicate with each other, but that doesn't warrant you the right to talk so much about me behind my back. when i don't even know the sky hit me. you know what? you are the epitomy of what i had always feared and what i never hope i'll become. you pride yourself with such great extent, but yet, your own character is flawed. if you were so good, you wouldn't be so intolerant of my inferior (compared to yours) character. good riddance to you. just don't insult my friends as well. and don't try and be nice to me again. i've been hurt by you too many times for me to dare to come near you again. i'll never ever trust you. i'm ashamed i ever did.
wheezed on Sunday, June 6, 2004 at 12:42 a.m.

two days after the today

the word "malicious". ooh. strong, but how many people are like that? actually despite what you might think, i do have an optimistic view of people, especially people who i consider friends.. so i guess that i'm just really uncomfortable with the amount of two-facing going around. coz i for one was never comfortable with pretending to like someone when i dislike/hate/backstabbing them. i guess i don't have a choice, my face gives me away. i'm very tired and upset lar. whoever you are, bugger away. i don't need you in my life. well i guess i'm just feeling insecure again, life is stressful and unpredictable, and when you are full of people who act their lives away, you never know when they are genuine or fake, i wish i could be like that too! hide away what i feel and laugh everything off..

sighs, i typed a long post about how nice my darling year 1 juniors were, we had a sweet slot last night, which even ended with daphne saying- rachel, i'm glad you're in a good mood today (incidentally leading me to reflect on my way of working, hehe, i know i got black face lar!), yes so we were happy. and i felt so loving towards all of them! then today they messed up again for our duo slot. i really hope they won't do it again man, i was too tired to be really upset, but poor bry, she was in tears... i know tt they'll be ok in e end, they always are. i hope i wasn't a terrible junior to albert last year man... sighs.

group group group. it has come to the point that i miss even the most irritating things about group, dare i say them? daphne's distortions n farts that make me go mad!!! :P, nigel's silent brooding in the corner which makes us all worry about what he's up to :P, calin when she goes up really really really really high (sorry babes!) :P, sue ann talking to just one person and the rest sitting around but not in the conversation!!! :(, lynn going "essentially" 10 times in a row! hehe, cheryl when she gets all stressed out n sits there quietly staring.. YES I MISS THAT I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING TO HAVE IT BACK!!! but what i miss EVEN MORE!!! daphne's funny faces and dead fish moves that crack us up lar :), nigel's constant supply of food, always being there for us and his sleek movements :), calin's wonderful singing (it goes both ways! :P) and when she plays tunes that just make our jaws drop, and her nice warm hugs, and her musician behavior which is so funny!! :), sue sue's infectious laughter and the mee siams and her cuteness that makes us happy :), lynn's big warm presence and the wonderful tiny bitching sessions she can hold :P, cheryl, the best mother hen ever with yummy cooling drinks, the cutest person to hold hands with and the more reassuring hugger :). i miss my group so badly. only they can put up with my sudden pissy moods, my frankness which i know can be really annoying, my sudden pangs of "we cannot make it" and panic attacks, my annoying bimbotic behavior early in the morning.... oh dear. I WANT MY GROUP..................

but groupies!!!! hold strong and work hard 4 our ISes!! we will be strong and hang in there ok! after that we still have caramel apples :), smiley fries :), steamboat in marina bay.. i can't wait! i miss you guys.. oooh, and public p!!! also the crew, you guys are really more than what i could wish for, heartwarming, loving, enthusiastic, yes, i hope you all go far. thank you for loving us as much as we love you!!! hehe forgive all the times i went mad. i tend to do that.. :(

oh yeah, belle made me her sister... its been a long long time since i last took sisters.. hmm. hello dear! :)
wheezed on Saturday, June 5, 2004 at 09:30 p.m.

oh my god.. i really hate the stupid VS band.. here i am trying to get a good rest after my tedious exam yesterday and they have been playing NONSTOP!!!! ever since whatever time in the morning till now!!!!! there's a full reason to stay at home and not move to the hostel. sighs. i keep thinking of you!!!

btw, i have put up nice pics from my birthday thingy with my hostel friends & the guitar concert in my fotoblog. oh, and i now have a LIVEJOURNAL account: username-> zekiut1. what should i do with it? :)
wheezed on Friday, June 4, 2004 at 02:57 p.m.

the group exam is over!!

oh my god. the group exams are over. once i doubted if i would ever make it this far, but guess what? now that its over i feel, empty, sad. ah. i told cheryl, lets have a run tomorrow! yes, i am truly mad. i am madly in love with my darling groupies!!!! lynn sue daph cal cheryl n nigel, i love you guys so much!! thank you for being the sweetest, darlingest, yummiest and the bestest guns and butter group ever (there, i haven't offended anyone ;P)!! i wouldn't have wanted to have my group any other way, and i'm glad that it was this formation of group that led me all e way to the As. yes. sighs. i really hope Pim enjoyed our piece, and will give us an A. give all 4 groups an A, mr pim!!!!!! =D tangents was good too!!! YAY and joanne the darling gave all of us gerberas, which made me real happy! *loveloveyou babes*

BREAK LEGS FOR TOMORROW MY DARLING chocolates in the sky and buttered popcorn! give your all! =D

now, i have to go and look at my rusting mono and duo, and try to impress him since he realised i'm probably an actor. hee hee. and you- the special one.. i miss you so much already!! today's goingaway made me feel proud of myself coz i didn't let you see what i felt you didn't need to see. still, as i walked away i couldn't help myself.. have a good holiday, and don't forget me? i will learn to be stronger and you won't ever have to worry about me! :)

no day can truly be a fully happy one. didn't we learn that a long time ago? i will treasure everything i have. i don't want anything to fall and slip away. yes, that includes DARLING GROUP and all my FRIENDS ever! let me tell YOU out there one thing, never cry, i will be here for you, coz i would never want to be alone myself. <3
wheezed on Thursday, June 3, 2004 at 09:39 p.m.

hah.. this could be either sad or optimistic. yes.

I'm an irredeemably eejitous, liberal, not-too-generous, not-too-selfish, pathetically simple-minded, dribbling child!
See how compatible you are with me!
Brought to you by Rum and Monkey
wheezed on Tuesday, June 1, 2004 at 11:05 p.m.

entry as i fart

Trying to get my life back in shape again. Too much time gone, chances lost, occasions wasted, i'm so afraid i'm wasting your time here. i'm starting to see you shun away from me, and i'm scared of what i can do. reach out, and flinch when you don't catch my hands. yes. i need some flow back in my life. In a way, while group is part of me living and breathing and taking rein of my emotions, i do want it to end so i can mend broken friendships and pick up people' i've hurt. i'm losing control of myself, im starting to worry that i won't be able to get back into a normal, controlled, happier me. angry angry angry hurt. is that all that is left of me? of us?

ahhh, i wonder why external group influences on my group is so terribly stifling. i wish we could all be carefree and start to help each other. sometimes i'm worried if group will make me lose all my friendships.

was kinda sad, well not sad, but nostalgic- like coz sue went with huan and fatma to suntec.. i can't remember the last time i went with anyone to suntec... i mean, going out and relaxing.. its been a really really long time, i think. or maybe its just a week or so, but it seems like an eternity. i miss all of you, my friends! i know that even as we meet each other and smile and hug, life won't be the same till the practicals are over. so i'm looking forward to that for us =)

sighs, c'mon my darling groupies: sue, lynn, nigel, cal, daph & cheryl, we're in this last stretch together, hopefully everything will turn out well! :)

and you... i have faith that everything will turn out ok. i miss you so much..

i wanna go home!!!
wheezed on Thursday, May 27, 2004 at 08:50 p.m.

rotting here in the heat

why do i keep having a never ending list of problems? is it just me? what's wrong and why can't i seem to not feel strongly about something for once? sue says to look on the brighter side of life. appreciate the smaller things in life. i do want to. i wish i could. i was digging up all my old stuff to find some older theatre productions, and suddenly i found some old letters. letters that brought back memories of my childish, stupid self that let go of so many chances for me to be happy. pride and egoism. it all comes before a fall. the feelings are long gone, but the regret always still remains. regrets of my decisions, my hesitations, my stupid attitude. i wish i wasn't like this. if i could embrace happy things and forget all the sad things. if i werent so sensitive just because one small tiny bad thing happened. if only i could let go and erase everything that goes wrong. if only love was ever enough for the world to last. why do i need to be so critical of everything?

i feel i give so much everywhere, but when i stretch out and reach out, nobody wants to reciprocrate. why don't you love me the way i do? why don't you help me the way i helped you? self satisfaction. right? i can't do it anymore.

sometimes i look at myself and realise that i have lost the me i used to know. everyday gets worse, basically. at least the new group piece is growing. something suddenly very dear to my heart as roommate's cd is playing:

Open up your heart to me
And say what's on your mind
I know that we have been through so much babe,
But I still need you in my life this time, and...

I need you tonight
I need you right now
I know deep within my heart
It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right
i really need you tonight

I figured out what to say to you
But sometimes the words come out so wrong
And I know in time that you will understand
That what we have is so right this time, and...

All those endless times we tried to make it last forever more
And baby I know
I need you
I know deep within my heart
It doesn't matter if it's wrong or right
'Cause i see heaven

wheezed on Sunday, May 23, 2004 at 04:30 p.m.

short stop

hello all! have reckoned my BAD MOOOODS to PMS, yes, mother nature herself sent me a personal gift on my birthday. haha! but nowadays i feel so much better, maybe its because i'm not stifled by anything and i've been having my whole life driven around by group. yes, group has been taking up a huge part of my life as we mope around the AVA singing, trying to act and dance at the same time. i really hope everything goes ok! right now, i'm too tired to do anything, and honestly i wish everything was over so i could just go home and rest. had food poisoning on wednesday and i just felt so ill and dead, yes, dad happened to call and then i felt so homesick and sad and lonely and i wanted to be home. :( i miss my family. and i miss martin a lot. wish he was there too when i was sick. sigh. but thank god for people. especially sue sue n crys n chris and von darling and my group! thank you for being understanding and caring yup. loads of love to all. charm, get well soon! to the rest of a52, like huan n fatma n nikki n joel who dont take tsd, good luck for the rest of week of school! mwuahahahah. btw, hello there joel who tagged! hehe... :) and lastly this is going out to WEELEE!!! HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY YOURSELF!!!! am unable to tag you as i don't have a blogger account :( but you look really different and cool! it must be theatre. haha :) take care all, i gotta go get some rest, tummy still feels like a washing machine rumbling off. nite-o!
wheezed on Friday, May 21, 2004 at 08:12 p.m.

happy birthday me, hah!

to all the darlings who remembered my birthday and wished me on my birthday, and for all the yummilicious presents; FROM YAS LENNIE LYNN BRY & GEN the cookies are so yummy!!!!!!!! :) and the barrel is so cute! yay; JAYNE the practical one *smile* for the big BAGS :); CHARM SUE CRYS HUAN CHRIS VON FATMA NIKKI for the nice fcuk top!!!!! hostelites darlings PHUONG SHILI YUN CHUN LILI SIEWSZE KYLE JAMES for the pretty pepperplus skirt..... :), darlin crys for the prettiest glass vases ever made hehe *hug*
and to my darling for the best day of the year (Excluding v day ;P) and the yummiest godivas and for having the best taste in skirts haha *mwuahhh*

yes, rachel is happy and satisfied.
wheezed on Monday, May 17, 2004 at 09:59 p.m.

cold baths make you feel better. wah i'm super cranky this day. not even bothering about tact and friendships and people's feelings. what to do, i'm really in a shitty state myself lar. aiyah so much i wanna say but better not said. need to rest. life is too hectic.
wheezed on Thursday, May 13, 2004 at 08:07 p.m.

no, the nightmare isn't over

AHHHHH! the weather really sucks. i've been sweating non-stop for the past few days, and i had diarrhoea yesterday so i sweating in and out of the toilet bowl. yes, as i whispered to sue today, my anal hole hurts too. heh. it was a good morning, really, but the heat and the disgusting trauma and paperwork from tsd, pc and econs, farting smelly dense farts, and waiting for my ass of a computer to load has been PISSY. apparently some stupid disgusting potential virusy programs have been dled and i get pop-ups nonstop!

i guess my whole perception of people thing hasn't really gotten off my head. don't worry, i'm not depressive, its just that i've become rather perceptive due to a recent turn of events about some people in my life. i've come to realise that i suppose i expect a lot from people, especially people that im close to. but some people only become close to you when they need help, and even if u don't really wanna help them they force it out of you; some always want you to be there for them but they never care about being there for you, whether its just simple things or the more complicated things; some want you to listen to them but never listen to you; some think you don't care and you look down on them just because you're too busy with your group/individual tsd exams tt you don't care for them. at this moment i'm probably making more enemies but i really feel as though most of the friendships i have (if i can say they are) seem more to me like a facade rather than a real bond. i feel almost obliged to play along for their sake as i do for myself. there are one of two people which i'd really like to slap and tell them to get out of my life and never ever try and pretend that we are even more than acquaintances.

no, i guess you don't really care. neither do i, honestly? it's just making me get more pimples when i fret and fuss over whether people are genuinely self- centred of plain selfish. i am too, i wanted to skip group on sunday for my birthday too, that was before i realised how stupid i probably was. so sorry to everyone if i've been being all greedy, shameless or selfish. nadia said, who is actually gonna get you anything from your wishlist? sue ann said, i would just be happy as long as ppl reminded my birthday? i guess they are right. i do expect so much, maybe because thats the way i treat other people too, i build these little heights on my friendships and these levels of love. i won't anymore lar, i mean, as long as martin loves me, and my mummy and daddy and becky do, and my roommate, and my darling anderson gang, and my rib ppl, and the a52 darlings, and von and group.. :) haha, that's a lot of people. yeah, i guess people matter a lot to me, and somehow in some way or another i hope i do matter to them too.

fuck sia i wish martin was here. life is getting more and more screwed up and smiling is getting more and more difficult. resort to reading THE QUEEN AND I if you feel like me. you'll probably relate to how people have to adjust to living normal lives when their illusions are shattered.
wheezed on Tuesday, May 11, 2004 at 09:17 p.m.

direct thoughts

some days are really fucked up, and today is one of them. when you have bad days where you need cheering up but no one is willing to stretch out a hand-- those are the days u realise your failure as a human being or as a friend. or maybe the inability for others to befriend u as well. those days when you can't stay in denial and its so blatant that human beings are actually selfish fools, we all take and take and don't give back. those are the days you can't run away from the truth. maybe you're right, but i wont give you anything again. maybe its because i am a selfish person myself, so when what i give isn't reciprocrated, i don't see why i should return the favour. why should i care for you when you don't care for me? yeah, today may have been a bad day, but maybe it was an educational day in disguise. i have so many worries lar, what do i do about this, how to i salvage that, how should i pick myself up, how should i deal with that, what happens next? i really miss my old bunch of fareena tassha nadia especially. i guess in the end, they know me so well to look beyond all that surface crap that we all have to go through in life. people forever think that their problems are "superior" to others' problems, i'm not an exception either. i know it. sorry von dear, i know you're worried but pls don't think too much about it, i better keep my problems to myself otherwise it might make things a whole lot worse. love you lots baby.

i hope you'll forgive me.

to "you": a lot of things can't be forced, i know you're gonna pretend you don't know what i'm talking about, but its a little strange for me, and by confronting you i seem to have too much to lose. its becoming too obvious and i'm starting to feel stifled.
wheezed on Tuesday, May 4, 2004 at 07:55 p.m.

there is such a fine line between love and hate, and i'm sitting here wondering if i've crossed it. how can someone who loves so much have so much hate in them, and how can i convince you to look at me the same way again? i'm just sitting here and thinking back and trying to think of how i can salvage the time again. aiyah i just want it all to be over.
wheezed on Monday, May 3, 2004 at 12:34 p.m.

i'm really quite scared and i have no idea at all what happened- i myself am grasping thin air and i'm wondering what the hell happened, is there a way back, how do we go through this when i'm unable to help you, i can't even reach out to you. i'm so afraid of losing you and yet i know you might not hesitate, the way you feel now. why isn't it? why are you feeling like this? you're almost like a stranger now, infinite, far and v v intimidating. someone pls pull me out of this and help disillusion me if need be.
wheezed on Sunday, May 2, 2004 at 08:45 p.m.

a few things i'm dying to say (and OC soundtrack playing now!)

hello all fun fair was a blast yesterday, and haunted house was the best!!! YAY! :) anyway had a good time actually, met up with all my old friends-- shoutout to darlings chingchui zee saiyidah shingyeong i miss u guys!!! must go out soon for dinner! hehe. an impt day is coming anyway.. haha! YES i really loved my make up (THANK YOU JO!!! MWUAH) and everyone else's, yes yes it was really good i had fun scaring everyone, if i scared you, i'm so sorry, its coz i HAD to, you see, to, err, make your money's worth!! hehe i screamed my head off, yelled and howled, cried, laughed, and acted mad or deranged. SO FUN!!!!! yes hope next year juniors darl will do it too, we'll be so proud of you!!!!

haha went to church with christine and catherine today. OMG catherine is so gorgeous and cute and chio and everything niceness!! aiyah i couldn't help but scrutinise to see whats the difference between them -they are twins, in case you don't know :P- well... i don't know what but they are v v different yet similar, it's rather amazing, they even have the same quirkiness and weird face distortions thingy that i always see christine do! its absolutely hilarious!!! ah well :)

must post about this. after that i went with shili and jenna, who wanted to eat yoshinoya. since i was broke, i thought i won't eat, but i think the cashiers made a mistake, they sent us an extra bowl of soup! then, they sent us an extra BIG beef bowl! we were so amazed, and being the greedy hungry msians we are, they urged me to take on the extra free meal. haha! i didn't take much urging ;P but after that, like guilty people, we kept thinking that everyone who stared at us just absolutely KNEW that we had cheated the counter ppl. haha! :) yummy though *burp*

yes, jayne has moved in!!! yayness! now that girl has gone off for dinner with a rich man.. haha! hope she's back soon she promised me kuay teow! whee!
wheezed on Sunday, May 2, 2004 at 08:07 p.m.

equality, weird maids, love and frankness

this is a big hug for darling crys *HUG*

well haunted house will be up and running and over tomorrow. seriously, we're quite good i think we're better than some of the real ones.. haha :) all thx to the 2 brilliant minds lar crys n jas.. i noe dear crys has been real stressed lately, sumore having to put up with divas... aih.. dun worry dear!! it'll be over soon and u'll be so proud of it.

im no more a voodoo girl but a freaky sexed up maid with a wonderful prop, a bloody hand! damn fun but i cant pull it off as well as some of the others.. nvm. ill try my best i guess! aih, have been really honest and bitchy to some of the sweetest ppl around, i am losing it man. soon i'll be lonely and grow old by myself. better stop it. my darling friends i love you pls dont leave me alone coz im too bitchy! i will try to go back to a nice un-sexedupmadcrazymaid rachel soon! its just stress lar. wah damn scared we have no piece now. tho i really love the buttered popcorn's group piece man.

btw, i did quite well for my math test! wanna say im damn proud of yas doing sooo well *wink* haha, i feel like i contributed a lot haha, coz she thanked me and said she took my advice! yay i feel so proud haha! i love you yas!! honestly, sometimes i feel that people who work hard deserve to do well, whether or not they study smart or not/ have the talent/ have bad or good attitudes. and i think if people put in a lot of effort, they should be rewarded. but of coz results dont equal effort, especially in a arts faculty, and sometimes i feel v sad for ppl around me if i feel their results dont equal effort. even sometimes it happens for lit, and i get so frustrated and angry, and wish that i didn't have to care about anything. sighs. for those ppl like that, i really hope that at the end where it really matters, ie the A levels, they will be able to fulfill their dream results. there is a God up there, so life should be fair.

haha i sound so noble, but actually its coz it happens to me sometimes, you know? :)
wheezed on Friday, April 30, 2004 at 10:46 p.m.

haunted house!!!

i get to be a scary little girl who pokes needles into dolls during the haunted house!!! haha :) happyish and we have loads of costumes, the AVA looks really good and potentially freaky, let me tell you, you will be irked out, if not absolutely freaked out. yay! been feeling ill of late. head becomes very heavy, which makes me irritated at things. sucks.
wheezed on Thursday, April 29, 2004 at 09:02 p.m.

promotion!!!

hey all.. mrs chan approved our proposal already, and me and jayne went around scouting for stuff today.. we guess its quite probably to carry on with this thingy, but we hope yall give support k? its real hard work and the returns aren't much, especially if we are gonna work work work lar! :) but nvm, its gonna be fun we think, and well, i guess for me and jayne to strengthen our relationship again, haha!

SHORT & SWEET (budget package) $10
1 cute small teddy bear
1 funky photo frame
1 pair of gourmet chocolates*

BASIC NECCESSITIES (traditional package) $20
1 face towel (from bath house, real cute with a 3d bunny tail!)
1 loofah/bath sponge
1 nail file
4 recipe pieces (guaranteed yummy food, tried and tested!)
1 pair of gourmet chocolates*

FASHIONISTA MUM (for the fashionable mother) $25
1 current women's fashion magazine (Elle Spore version)
1 whole body care set (Enprani & Daysys, top Korean brands, each packet will consist of 2 gift set boxes and 2 masks)
1 pair of gourmet chocolates*

FUNKY MUM (for the career mother) $25
1 funky notebook, handmade cloth cover
1 bottle Miniature Perfume (Estee Lauder, BLV, etc)
1 pair of gourmet chocolates*

*likely to be Sins, Choc Box or Chocz

pls support and promote to all friends!!!! all packages come with unique and lovely packaging and we're hand making all of the packages! can also order flowers from us.. we're working very hard to try and get cheap yet quality goods.. but its not so easy especially when you wanna make sure that we don't over charge or under charge. so help k!!! jayne n me are so tired, but start already, what to do? must finish. hehe ;)
wheezed on Wednesday, April 28, 2004 at 09:57 p.m.

brains at work

school mag was dreadfully scary, but its a learning experience i guess. hehe. well coming back with jayne was fun! we went to my hostel and she saw my room, haha! girl gonna move in next wk, her mum's very fierce! she was like, is this place conducive? can u guarantee my daughter can't climb out at midnight? will u sign an agreement to make sure jayne studies? hahaah! so cute, but i was very intimidated. felt like she thought i was a naughty girl inside me (i'm not!!!) :P anyway we are making our proposal to make mother's day gifts to hand up tomorrow! its rather exciting, i really hope it gets passed, im quite hyped to do something fun and worthwhile, at the same time maybe get earn a bit of money. not much though, its quite little and we try v hard to make the packages worth it. sighs. hope the fruit born will be worth the time! haha!

sinfullyperfect.com too, the future online shopping centre of charm sue and rach, i can't wait too... hope marilyn comes back with great buys! haha!
wheezed on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 at 11:28 p.m.

well i've decided that the reason why i'm moody these days is that there's not enough food going into my tummy. that's what happens when you're broke. you have to NOT EAT. which is quite torturous at this stage, yes? i am PMSing although its not my PMS stage. yelp!
wheezed on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 at 12:23 a.m.

i suppose you don't care too.
wheezed on Tuesday, April 27, 2004 at 12:18 a.m.

angry~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

what is wrong with my temper?

look, i really couldn't take it today. what are you trying to say? are you trying to teach me what i can say, what i can't, what i can do, and what i can't? you think i don't try is it? how the hell would you know, you're not even me, and i don't have to show you each and every part of me. so now i'm just trash right. trailer trash and lay out for everyone to laugh at and mock at i suppose. your priorities aren't mine and mine aren't yours. its always been that way. you know what? your ways don't always work either. they don't work for me, and mine don't work for you. why do you have to hurt me like this? i'm so angry i'm trembling all over. that's it man. i've blown my top. i'm so upset with you i haven't been in a long time. and the worse part is when you can run off and attend to 101 things when i'm like that. its a state you don't wanna see me in real life. no no no. ARGH!!!!

god knows i need to learn to learn to calm down. especially nowadays. i know it myself lar. later got to go for anger management. ok lar, chill. time out. i better learn to control my temper man. don't wanna grow white hair and lose all my friends at the same time. i hope you all don't hate me man. going thru this low bout of self esteem.

poor phuong just slided through the wet toilet floor. poor girl. *huggie phuong i love ya*
wheezed on Monday, April 26, 2004 at 11:19 p.m.

what money will buy me aka sweet dreams

aiyah i'm just feeling lousy lar. paranoid because you kinda know about that person who dislikes you, and because you're all in the same circle of people, you wonder how badly she bad-mouthed you, so everything that happens, you think its you. my conscience is clear though, just that i'm feeling rather sian. look, i just wish you can tell me the truth. it irritates me, above all.

the wonderful part about online shopping, is when you have no money, you just chuck everything on a watchlist, and that makes you feel like you own part of it. haha! i always liked abercrombie, but now it seems so.... reachable.. sighs.. nevermind, shall share my personal favourites, eh? (no, i am not asking yall 2 buy them.. hehe!)

skirts
cute preppy skirt!
lovely denim with touch of pink..
satin/silk/pleated yummy green, its Hollister actually
delicious white, courdoruy? not sure

ok, maybe i will be able to afford 2 or 3 of these.. i'm gonna buy the 1st & 2nd one! eventually!
tops
sheer white, ooomph. (Hollister too!)
red yummy glitter! (pic not gd tho)
i like the contrasts, and its cute..
who wouldn't like this?! (Hollister)

wheezed on Saturday, April 24, 2004 at 10:31 p.m.

perfection

Are 2 parties ever really happy if they break up? Especially if it has been a long, enriching relationship that used to take up a whole part of your life, can both sides pick themselves up, lift their heads up proud and continue walking on, alone - or with someone completely different? And what if one person recovers quickly and carries on, leaving the other behind? How does it feel like to look at the person who used to love you never looking at you the same way again, but at someone else in the way? How does it feel like, when he/she can't stop thinking about someone else, and its no longer you? How does it feel like to be left behind? How does it feel like to cry? How does it feel like to know that you no longer have that person next to you? How does it feel like to be betrayed? How can someone let go and love so quickly? How do people walk away from each other, when they have shared so much? How do they forget that they were once one, that they once felt such perfection holding each others hands, when their lips melted perfectly into each other, when life was perfect? Why did that perfection shatter? Will you do that to me one day, leaving me all alone in this darkness where life will no longer take on any form? I don't ever ever ever want to lose that gorgeous smile of yours, don't want your hands to slip away from mine, i like perfection.

ah. feeling queasy today. i guess its the updates in life that jolt you out of the comfort zone to scare you. life is so short, and still we are constantly giving up when we shouldn't. always trying to find something else that is better than what we have. always complaining that what we have just isnt good enough. when we search for perfection version2, we forget that perfection version1 is still a form of perfection.
wheezed on Saturday, April 24, 2004 at 08:05 p.m.

apologies/math/sports/mobiles

thank god math test is over. especially to charm n crys, sorry for becoming totally moody during certain periods of time, i.e. when i'm doing work or when i can't solve questions.. i really don't mean it, but i was so upset that i couldn't do them/no time! coz its the 1st time i've felt so not-in-control of stuff since i dint know some of my work.. ah i hope all the questions i couldn't do can be made up by the ones i could do.. MY DEARS pls forgive me for my BAAAD moods! will try n make up with a better swing now tt its over. wheee!! also to dear martin, sorry if i've been stressed => bitchy. thanks for understanding as always. u are a wonderment. :)

yesterday was one of the best sports day i'd ever had honestly, never had so much fun cheering bimbotically (in my prev class we would've been weird), never had so many err, cheerleaders to cheer for (since we always disliked those cheena dancing), never had so many ppl to bitch with (u know, normally in my class its just, me, nad, yas, jas)!!!!! so i had loads and loads of fun, who cares if we're last, heh! i wish we had one last year though, in full arts gear. i wonder if us being in ARTS altogether would've made things a whole lot more fun.. *sigh* for full-blown write ups, visit crys or sue. for now, i'm gonna take a nap to recover from that mind draining math test.

p.s. should i buy a panasonic x70 or samsung v200 or siemens st60??? help!
wheezed on Saturday, April 24, 2004 at 02:54 p.m.

no more cauliflowers

sometimes it gets a bit itchy coz the little stubble's growing, but generally i'm happy. yes roomie said that some of her friends do it too, and guess what she came back with tonight??? haha! soon no woman will ever get a cauliflower there. *shudder* by the way, to all my fans, i have an updated birthday wishlist. please do tick and help me fulfill this list! =)
wheezed on Wednesday, April 21, 2004 at 09:54 p.m.

wake up call

its like a wake-up call. things happen all around the world, but you never really think it would happen so near you - but the nicol highway incident won't just fade away in the background. i suppose its more shocking because its not only in singapore, where it could affect ppl u know and love, but also because its so near you, what happned to those ppl could happen to you, as well. reality has sunk in. we need to stop dreaming. and be grateful for what we have.

just wanna say that i really love all the TSD ppl, a55 (esp von n cheryl nigel cal [group]), a52 (esp charm crys huan sue yas fatma lynn len chris), the vs hostel ppl (esp phuong my roommate shili lili siewsze ngeeshin yun jenna etc), my darling rib ppl (the hk kids, sab dear ex-roommate, huilian, ch3, shingy, zee), dearest dearest nadia and weyling, MY FAMILY (thank you mum).
Most imptly:to that vvv impt person of my life (i love u for calling, i'm glad we exist).

Thank you Lord for keeping all of us safe.
wheezed on Wednesday, April 21, 2004 at 12:11 a.m.

pitas is fixed! long talks, unwanted, sadness, plastic surgery

at last, something to rejoice about! things haven't been too good recently... well so much to say, where shall i start from? pw results were nothing to cheer for, and much of a surprise especially for me (and crystal), jpl got kicked out, bad econs test, im shit broke, i realise i'm churchless, and i talked to jayne. well talking to jayne was quite self-awakening, made me feel very guilty abt things, esp when i realise i prob dint experience any of the things i said about her firsthand: so sorry again, i didn't think that as a person i affected u so much, and ur right, we go a long way and i feel i owe u enough in this friendship lar. its hard to forgive and forget, even on my part, so lets take it slowly and see how it goes..

also the scary realisation that someone really hates me but doesn't have the guts to show it! i dunno how to face stuff like that, coz im a very open person, meaning if i dont like u or i'm upset i show it, and then if i say i make up with u, i really do, and im gonna be sincere about it. if i hurt u last time and i said i'm sorry, i really am. e thing is i really am a machine gun, i sometimes can be very inconsiderate and thoughtless, but basically i don't think i am evil.. i do realise when i've "done it" and i try to apologise unless i'm really angry, but even in the end, i try to fix things. in secondary school this girl hated me since sec 1/2 for what i dunno, then when i knew her personally in sec3 i didn't like her either. basically there was alot of bitching, but when i said sorry and let bygones be bygones, i really meant it, and was very very shocked when i knew this person was still going ard putting voodoo - saying evil things to ppl who didn't even know me! - and playing tricks on me. i think that really hurts because by then i had tried to really put the past away. so what do i do when this happens? smile, i guess, and say yeah i probably deserve it. i'm born this way lar, you can't close my mouth coz i'd be so miserable. but aiyah. seriously, lots of times i don't even know what i say. but look if you really hate me, please come and tell me or make it obv n let me know, so i don't stupidly be nice to you thinking you and i have a camaderie going on and we're like, friends.

sighs so as u can see i've been quite troubled, coupled on that i think some of my friends havent been feeling too good either, so i dint wanna let on my frustrations.. so i guess i was really really miserable in that sense, all couped up, that when martin didnt pick up my call and i knew he was having fun somewhere while i was rotting and feeling totally disgusted with myself, i really broke down when i finally got to talk to him. its been a week of all sorts, and the worst thing is that im slipping away from God, and i can't get the comfort and assurance i used to have, most of the times i'm just lost, struggling to keep afloat. not to say i hate my life, coz honestly i don't, i really love the people around me, sometimes i guess u can't help yourself when things get too bad.. thank god he brought me out yesterday and cheered me up by miles. martin, you're a real gem and i'm so glad that i have you.. otherwise i wouldn't know what to do... :)

well on the bus on the way back, i got to watch a breast enhancing operation. it looked quite gross, the way the bottom half of your breast is cut open and then they stuff things inside of it to make it well, bigger. the thing is that the boobies really look much bigger after! only concern i have is whether the scars stay. yeah i've always wanted to have breast enhancements done because my boobies are so tiny, they make me feel insecure! grar!!! :) we'll see if i'm rich in the future yeah!

lastly, good job to those who got a 1 for their pw!!! ppl i know would be charm, cheryl, jayne, etc :) :) feel a bit sorry coz its like great results but cant rub it in coz ppl like us will hurt right? so this is for yall!!!! AND to my darlings huan n von n phuong who i know aren't in the greatest of moods, i love u guys and i guess we just need to pick ourselves up and go on... at least we have each other to love, yeah? *muacks* OOOOH and CHOIR PPL: heard the performances were great esp on saturday, great job yall!!!!!

i'm now off for another cheer-rachel-up sessions by mr yang yay! my days are looking better now..
wheezed on Sunday, April 18, 2004 at 12:59 p.m.

stand up for your food rights

ahh a good winner for myself today. i decided to eat dinner by myself so i could enjoy what i wanted to eat, throw away those veggies that i hate, and hide that disgusting sotong ball they serve. no one to scrutinize, stare, comment what they think. no, i'm not aneroxic or on e diet or anything silly like that, its just that i generally don't like hostel dinner so i don't force a mountain full of veggie, gross sticky sauce sotong balls, or sometimes STALE lemon chicken sauce & harm my body system. yes, i do eat. in fact my favouritest food are fatty oily food such as lohn johns, chicken rice, etc.

i never thought that i would be one of those ppl standing up for myself about food consumption or weight issues. for as long as i known myself, i am quite a big eater and i have no qualms abt what & how much i eat. most people would not resort to say that I EAT TOO LITTLE or that I AM TOO SKINNY. so why am i defending myself over such trivial issues now? frankly i've been really upset recently because of people who directly or indirectly tell me that im too skinny or i eat too little. i mean, who are you to know how much i eat when you hardly see me eat, only at dinner, or to judge what is a proper weight measurement? ask any of my close friends OR MY BOYFRIEND and he will tell you that i eat quite a lot normally. HE doesn't think i'm too thin. some even think its a normal thing if i lose weight. NO ONE ELSE IS CONCERNED, not even my parents. OBVIOUSLY there is nothing wrong with me, i'm not fainting of exhaustion after walking under the sun to the busstop or something, so stop hounding me!!!!! just because you have more meat than me doesn't mean yours is the ideal universal measurement and i'm TOO thin because i'm not like you. i'm not. i'm ME, and i like my own body, i don't really see whats wrong with my weight.

honestly, i've never been in the "underweight" category for as long as i can remember, i just have a high metabolism rate coz i'm quite hyperactive, i don't have bones sticking up grossly anywhere (that shouldn't be), i don't throw up, i don't binge unless i'm upset, i just know when to stop. i probably know more than you about eating disorders to know that i HARDLY qualify for one so stop looking at me suspiciously just because i don't like my GREENS for goodness sake. or STALE LEMON SAUCE or DISGUSTING GRAVY. what's wrong with that?!?! you know what, you people are making me paranoid. when i go to the toilet in the middle of a meal i'm actually SCARED you will think i'm puking my food out. this can't be healthy you know. i need to be comfortable with how i handle my own food, and frankly, i don't need anyone's help.

*to those who know me but haven't met me in a long time, NO, i still have the same eating habits, i haven't changed.
wheezed on Wednesday, April 14, 2004 at 07:32 p.m.

a massive weekend

hello all! i'm back now, it was a good weekend, despite my body breakdown mechanisms coz of my flu. ahh. highlight of the week-- MUSICFEST!!! well the group was so totally obvious that gen cal and adi were gonna win! loads of people thought adi was good, yeah i think calin should've played 4 instrumental cat, your pianoing skills are damn good! go guns and butter!!!! *smile* anyways, the instrumental winner was a fellow hostelite, so you go girl! i turned to charm at one point and went, hey she's playing the piano but it sounds like chinese instruments! haha that was her aim! damn good. for dance, damn sad lar rogue didn't win, i was really shocked when they were named runners-up and i knew that belly dancer was gonna win. actually, during her dance i was like whispering to martin about her possibly being the darkhorse... its ok sue! we still love rogue! and mel is damn hot lar!!!!!!!!!! *fan* so were the rest damn good, martin was amazed by cindy's muscles, haha! :P erm, the bhangra totally can make it, martin and i were like, action dancing all the way home.. hehe. martin tried to teach me his version and then he messed up.... well gen did a good job solo but i thought chloe was really good too! girl you have a beautiful voice and don't u ever forget that, i love your voice darling!

was sad when it came to an end. but we had to go back to bishan to celebrate sabby's birthday (HAPPY BIRTHDAY SABRINA JENSEN!!!), then martin and i did.. err, you guessed it! an a cappela birthday song inspired by hot joel and the choirboys. yup then we all lighted sparklers and played and threw them into the grass where they lay there like pretty fireflies..... sighs. you know, when i was young, i loved fireflies too. daddy would bring me out to the garden of the school and show them to me. prettiness.

ahhh well this weekend i got a PINK manicure (goodness me), watched gothika, cheaper by the dozen, can't remember what else, played cards till two and stay up till god knows what time. its a horrible thing to do. my laptop's quite screwed, one of the buttons not working v well. i'm NOT looking forward to a week of school, and i'm really not up for anything academic. martin the silly goose decided to go mad and sign up for his school's interhouse swim meet and then realise that all the other swimmers are.. u know, swimmers. good luck then darl!

ah i've been a bitch for a long time haven't i? evil i kept constrained for some time unleashed ever since tsd groups, i guess, when everyone else found their own. well just read some stuff, and i'm glad that someone actually talked to people to find out whats wrong and why people are upset with her. maybe she'll actually change. ah not as if i'm perfect. i know i'm not. i'm a super bitch i guess. but at least i don't pretend i'm not. some thoughts should be kept private after all though. i'm feeling a bit bad now coz i haven't been hanging out properly with my hostel people and now tsd is gonna sink in again. but maybe i should remind them that i do love em. phuong shili ngeeshin siewsze lili yun-- i hardly see yall anymore, but i haven't forgotten you guys. esp my darling roommate phuong, sorry i'm always a pain in the ass. (i just realised it yesterday when i was talking to martin -bleh- but u know u love me!) im just hoping all that'll be over soon.

to martin: thanks dearest! +hugs and kisses+
wheezed on Sunday, April 11, 2004 at 09:26 p.m.

happy easter!

happy good friday tomorrow, then happy easter! well i'll be off to stay at KL's house coz we're having a sleepover then on saturday, Musicfest, i don't have to rush back as well. whee-ums. sure it'll be fun with the kiddos. hehe :)

feeling all sick and wheezy now. might not be a great idea to attend school tomorrow. i'm not too sure but my head hurts badly... i didn't like my first part of the day coz we went to eat dumplings and noodles and i didn't like my noodles, basically coz i was eyeing chowsueann's pork ones. haha. greedy me. and then i didn't like any of the chinese desserts coz i basically do not like flour-y stuff (like PEARLS in the pearl tea), beany stuff like red bean, and no yam for me please! as a result, i was an unhappy greedy girl watching the rest enjoy their dessert. jealous, a bit grossed out (coz i didn't like those stuff) but jealous nonetheless.

sighs. useless day where i took a useless GP test which i'm quite sure i failed. life can be so good. only comfort to me is that there's no school on friday, yay! fridays are taxing and pissy. argh. miss ya aubrey! but i miss me baby most. wanna meet you, wanna see you!

just thought i'd say that i really love my family, especially daddy and mummy and becky. i miss you guys :)
wheezed on Wednesday, April 7, 2004 at 11:04 p.m.

i'm getting from bad to worse

hello there! think some people who referred to my "controversial" post about a certain person as themselves.. well don't worry, rest assured that person does not read my blog so it's probably not any of you!

had a terrible evening in LT1 listening to a scholarship talk. not sure what i was doing there since i'm hardly qualified for any of the scholarships there, and besides, the possibility of me even being academically qualified for any of them seems quite vague at this point in time. don't really wanna go to UK coz it's just not worth the money, the time, or my brain cells.. and US is a possibility but i need to talk it out with my parents. and what scholarship will i apply for? madness. evil me, crys and charm spent our time bitching, since we were getting so bored and frustrated. bet the people around us were damn pissed. haha! :)

anyway me and christine went to gelare after coz i wanted to satisfy my weird gelare craving. i swear, i'm getting really piggishly-cravings-weird. see crystal wanted to eat MACS today and since we were too lazy to walk out, we ordered take out! haha the man forgot the butter for jasmine's butter so i asked her to call em, and she really did! they sent it over to us :) haha. well i'm starting to have bad mood swings, mainly because the pre-menstrual pimples aren't clearing well. dammmmm.
wheezed on Tuesday, April 6, 2004 at 07:38 p.m.

insomnia, plath and bad dreams

one of those nights where you can't sleep because 'you slept too much today' but honestly you just know that the way things are going is really really upsetting you. when you have stupid dreams that make you seem like the big fat fool, and you tell it to people, but no one seems to understand the seriousness of how you are feeling. when you look at yourself, and you know that these dreams haunting you are, really, not just a figment of your imagination but something very real. it could happen. behind that brave grin, you know its your deepest, deepest fear. you see that flaw in you and you know one day, they will all see it too. you try and tell somebody how you feel about that, but they all laugh it off, not believing its capable of you. you think of your state, you think of them, you think of him, you think of her, you think of sylvia plath. was she ever really happy anyway? trying to reach the top, trying to be the best, trying to be happy. sometimes you just need to let go when you know you've tried your best, don't get too caught up in it. don't try to compete with someone who is out of your league. don't believe what people tell you. don't believe what he tells you. don't believe what you see when you see her. don't tell anyone i told you this. i'm fucking tired of trying to show you what i really feel.

so here i am, tried to close my eyes and go to sleep, but all that appears in my head is you, oh you big nonsensical bugger who refuses to see MY point, who in your love, naiveity and inability to comprehend what i'm telling you abstractly, kills me because! i want you to see what i see if not i do not see the point? GRAR. i am raging mad with jealousy with what you may see as perfection. when i ask you will you love me despite all my flaws? - you say you're shocked i can still ask such a thing. i'm sorry i cannot appear to be how i should all the time. i am only human after all... and as i remember from a movie a quote that i absolutely agree with: there is only one person that can break me or make me happy. until now, you do not see. nobody sees. nevermind.

enthralling-Mad Girl's Love Song by Plath. think some of daphne's poetry ideas are from here:

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"
wheezed on Tuesday, April 6, 2004 at 1:13 a.m.

yummy tuna

today was one of those days where i refused to wake up and i told my roomy some story about how i don't have to go to school.. oops. anyway i failed my gp essay, good thing it isn't a bloody test. after PE and an exhausing screaming soccer game, we opened 3 cans of tuna. was really fun, felt like a cat.. felt like my cat. we were sniffing and eagerly watching the plate, and when lennie removed the plastic filmstrip, crys lynn christine lennie and me all reached out for it with our hands haha! greedy us. forgive my bad breath, it made me happy. :)
wheezed on Monday, April 5, 2004 at 05:18 p.m.

cat is barren now

'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
rachel lim poor catcat
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
why?!
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
wat happen
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
she went to the vet today
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
and they operated on her took out her tiub fallopia
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
poor thing cant walk
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
and she keeps crying
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
wat?!
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
really?
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
poor thing
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
was she pregnant?
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
no
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
yeah u know how they do it
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
how?
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
they shave her at the bottom
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
i think i noe
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
and i think they cut her nipples haha
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
what they shave her?
rachel: coming soon, birthday =) says:
yuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
but poor thing shes bleeding
'I can tell you there's absolutely nothing wrong with that hamstrings!" says:
and she keeps whining
wheezed on Monday, April 5, 2004 at 12:03 a.m.

2 deadly sins- jealousy and greed

today i have been a jealous girl. phuong my roomy was confined (grounded) so she's stuck in the hostel... did you know jhalley her boy was such a dear he bought her chocolate, rented vcds, roses, and even BEN AND JERRY'S icecream? lucky lucky girl. good for you jhalley!

the wonderful flea market at clarke quay gave me the opportunity to buy a new brown roxy skirt at 25$ bucks!!! nice nice and wonderful. also helped phuong buy a nice pair of gray shorts for jhalley, and a nice bluish pair for martin dear! both quiksilver and priced at 25$ only too! happy!! charm n von we must go again!!! *muacks*
wheezed on Sunday, April 4, 2004 at 11:09 p.m.

coffee overload

i had that nice yummy vietnamese drip coffee at pho hua just now, which is why i am still up after such a tiring day. damn.
wheezed on Sunday, April 4, 2004 at 01:46 a.m.

my girl is so sweet and sad!!!

my girl is damn nice!! but i bumped my head while making my way on a taxi. ah seems my controversial post has irked people. hehe. don't worry i'm not generalising, its just that i know a particular someone personally and frankly i'm just sick of this person! yeah. its a bitching post there... so pardon my immaturity for that one if you don't agree!

THEATREslam turned out ok for bryna and my performance, some parents came up to me amazed that this screamy giggly bimbotic girl was that serious weird mother they saw onstage awhile ago, but i think our piece was a bit difficult (and perhaps boring?!) and a bit weird after yas&leon's great funny wonderfully shocking piece so ack. :) yes everyone was wonderful, especially melissa and lynn and i absolutely love our year2 performances. yay can't wait for year1 monologues now! *evil laugh*
wheezed on Saturday, April 3, 2004 at 10:40 p.m.

an old entry: renewed

look at what i found from one of my first few pitas posts:

Today was actually a nice day. My mum made breakfast, pancakes (and I helped a bit!), chee cheong fun (a chinese dish) for lunch and huge omelettes for dinner. It was nice, my mum hasn't cooked meals for YEARS. She bakes and all, but never cooks. So it was nice, and I knew she cared. I was sitting there and doing my homework while watching tv when suddenly out of the blue she said, "Rachel, in Singapore, don't drink too much Coke." I was like, "Why?" So she told me about this pastor they knew that loved Coke so much, and they had to operate on him, cut off his toes, and then his legs. Too much sugar. Euw.

I guess my mother and me, we always fought because both of us didn't know how to express to each other. My mother is one who hardly ever shows affection, and me, I always want to win. So we fight all the time, and back then going to Singapore was, in a way, running away, for me. And then as my first year went by and I was having trouble with myself, I would find myself calling home, and those calls would end up in crying sessions. Though I wasn't mature enough to realise it back then, I needed my mum for the "drive". I would've never reached anywhere without her. My second year, I went back the first term with a bad grade. My mum slaved me the whole break, and we fought alot then. Then on the last day, I entered her room to find her crying. My mother cried for me a lot, back then, even though I didn't know it. For my stubbornness, my rudeness, my studies, her mistake. She was always afraid that I would end up hating her for sending me off to Singapore.

I'm glad she did though. Slowly, I'm starting to grow up, know how she feels, and what to say to make things better. Learning to listen, and not answer back. Learning to comprehend her reasons for doing the things she does. My mum's not perfect, but neither am I.

So we're gonna battle the market tomorrow.
wheezed on Friday, April 2, 2004 at 09:15 p.m.

mixtures of blue and green

ah. THEATREslam tomorrow where bryna and i are gonna perform our duo which was supposedly good. so we had a run today and i felt really bad. my pronunciation was all wrong and my energy was wrong coz i forgot my lines. felt guilty towards bry coz i should've taken my free time to remember my lines again. darn hope tomorrow things will go well.

this may be a controversial post, so don't read if you don't wanna get into a verbal fight with me: sometimes you read a person's blog and think, she's not like that in real life! or is she? some people genuinely have problems, and i do sympathise and feel touched, developing respect for them; or their opinions and thoughts wow & intrigue me; some are just bloody old-fogeys-attention-seekers who can't appreciate what they have and are constantly moaning about the existence of nothingness. meaning they are self-deluded, for no bloody good reason! if you don't have medical problems (depression, clinical etc), you're doing great in school, you have great friends who love you and you can talk to them, you have wonderful parents, your life is hell good and you're pretty and normal, no one dumped you, everyone loves you and your life is pretty much NOT fucked up, so why do you keep finding yourself an expansive vocabulary basically to MOAN about nothing?!?! it really irks me. sometimes you can tell when ppl are doing it for the attention. and i feel grossed out. just leave everyone and yourself alone. look deeper in life and realise that people have bigger problems than you, have more right to be "depressed" than you, some people have messed up families, some ppl don't even have friends, and they try to survive. so don't TRY to be depressed. you don't really know what its like do you? don't you fucking try and say oh your whole life sucks.. especially when you say stupid things that you probably don't even know the weightage or effect of. don't lie and say you're depressed when you're not. i hate attention/sympathy seekers. don't come near me.
wheezed on Friday, April 2, 2004 at 07:52 p.m.

i like the outcome of this quiz

check out the stuff in      :)

Extroverted (E) 63.89% Introverted (I) 36.11% Realistic (S) 51.16% Imaginative (N) 48.84% Emotional (F) 70.59% Intellectual (T) 29.41% Organized (J) 51.35% Easygoing (P) 48.65% Your type is: ESFJ You are a Supporter, possible professions include - nurse, social worker, caterer, flight attendant, bookkeeper, medical/dental assistant, exercise physiologist, elementary school teacher, minister/priest/rabbi, retail owner, officer manager, telemarketer, counselor, special education teacher, merchandise planner, credit counselor, athletic coach, insurance agent, sales representative, massage therapist, medical secretary, child care provider, bilingual education teacher, professional volunteer.

Take Free Career Inventory Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

wheezed on Friday, April 2, 2004 at 12:40 a.m.

top 10 potential great time-passers

definite number 1: french movies, like love me if you dare - but french movies are a bit freaky. STILL, the wonderful cinematography, the beautiful colors, and the gorgeous actors and actresses make up for it.
2. *personal favourite* call someone nice to talk cock with. a good e.g. is Mr Yang (Yu). hee hee. list of topics may include future food plans like nice sushi, viet beef nudles or german sausages; or talk about that french movie you watched as above.
3.when you're really desperate, take up any taiwanese drama serial. guarantee to pass your time with well- wasted emotions.. and hormones if the actor's as cute as Jerry Yan. :>
4. talk to your soft toys. i have an ACS bear called Henry who loves to tell me about martin's lies. haha!
5. sing this song:

Imagine me and you
And you and me
No matter how they tossed the dice
It had to be
The only one for me is you
And you for me
So happy together
I can't see me loving nobody but you
For all my life
When you're with me
Baby the skies will be blue
For all my life

6. pluck all stray hairs. instructions: armpits, knees, eyebrows, toes, fingers (if you're really bored)
7. do math. :)
8. make yourself a nice happy birthday list. like the one on the left, scroll down.
9. munch on famous amos no nut choc chip, a guaranteed destressor.
10. wank in the toilet if you're a guy. moan if you're a girl just to annoy your roommate. (no, i can't do that.)

Ah well. the pleasures of having one whole free week before TSD workload begins again.
wheezed on Thursday, April 1, 2004 at 11:52 p.m.

jasmine

ok..... i'm sorry. i know i should learn to shut my mouth up sometimes. i didn't mean it!!! :(
wheezed on Thursday, April 1, 2004 at 08:36 p.m.

phone got water spilt on/goodbyes

when you lose something that represents the LINK to just about your entire life: your circle of friends, your loved ones and the communication link betw you and that one person you want to tell things to; what do you do?

cry on the bus like a silly baby until everyone looks at you in disgust?

i think i'm sad because i got on the bus and realised this could be the last time i'm seeing you.. especially if i don't get to come back to singapore in time to see you off. or if my tomorrow never comes!! and this last time doesn't even have a definite feel to it.. :( then that awkward goodbye because of your SAT and my aching feet... there's so much left unsaid and there's so much uncertainty. wanted to send u a message but realise i couldn't. hoped u would message me but realised i couldn't receive it too. felt like a broken down communication, with no way out. just stuck like that. feel like i'm sucked in this disgusting torrent of feelings that i can't get out of. i just want you to know, that i will miss you. that i already do. :(

wanted to go visit yas because crys's words: this may be the last time we all ever meet... that was really stung on me.. but then realised i couldn't either. then it dawned on me that i would be leaving singapore quietly, sadly, forgotten, gone, no more. so i just wanna let anyone who's reading this blog know, my phone is spoilt, nada calls, wont work. don't call me. :( but i LOVE YOU GUYS AND WILL MISS YOU FOREVER!!!! oh shit! and aubrey's here too... this is quite a horrible ending to my post prom night. =X

still, much said and done, i enjoyed myself very well last night, and it softens the pain of today. my phone is so important to me, if you must know, because it helps me get to you, and right now i feel like i'm cut off from the world.
wheezed on Friday, December 3, 2004 at 08:22 p.m.

time. distances. away. goodbyes. farewell.

There are some things in life you are very happy to end like the exams, but there are some things that you really never, ever want to end. So good riddance disgusting crappy exams that i will not do well for, hello prom, hello busy week, hello sadgoodbyesmaybeforever week. :X i think its rather sad how every start signifies an end. i'm sad to part with all the people i love, i'm scared of no tomorrows, i'm scared that people will forget me and i'll just become that girl in school, whatsherface? or rachel was a great person- what did she do again? i'm scared that you will just chuck me to one side because you're too busy-you want to look forward to a new life ahead. okay fine i'm just a scared person.

i want to go to vietnam. i think it will do me good to step out of this crazy city of singapore and take a trip to somewhere where i can catch my breath and relax, and enjoy and stop worrying. i bet i'm probably the only person in singapore who ended her exams depressed because she has no. more. time. left.

i shoulda thrown you out into the ashes a long time ago and never look back.. pfeeeeeee.

i need more time. i really honestly do.
wheezed on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 at 04:07 a.m.