SERVICE NUMBER:
6128421

CURRENT RANK:
PRIVATE

DESIGNATION: RIFLEMAN

EMAIL:
LIMKENVI@YAHOO.COM

ADDITIONAL UNITS:
[ Lt Col Lilian ]
[ WO II Yu San ]
[ S Sgt Nina ]
[ Capt Cindy ]

SUPPORT ELEMENTS:

[ MINDEF ] [ DOD ] [ SPECIAL OPERATIONS.COM ] [ SAFEPLACES ]

Wednesday, July 23, 2003 12:38 p.m.

The comment system is wonderful. Now instead of wondering if no one is reading my blorb, I KNOW no one is reading my blorb.

Something funny going on with Cindy's comment system. As I was saying to her "blur" entry, it reminded me of this army exercise I was in.

It was a pretty hot day, as you could expect, but there was plenty of shade among the oilpalm trees we were maneuvering in. Tactical movement is always painfully slow, but we were all in a pretty good mood. Yesterday saw Alpha Company take the lead in our push towards the 'enemy' base in Kuala Lipis. Today was Bravo Company's turn to take the lead. My company.

So, we're all walking along pretty casually. My platoon was tasked with an assault on an 'enemy' outpost. We were to take out that outpost to prevent the main base from knowing of our approach. The only problem was, NO ONE TOLD US WE WERE ALREADY IN ENEMY TERRITORY

So there we were, like I said, walking along, when suddenly we hear this loud burst from a 7.62 General Purpose Machine Gun. And we all just looked at each other, wondering what the heck was going on. It took us a while to realise we had stumbled on to the enemy.

We eventually scrambled for cover (I don't know what we were doing behind oilpalm trees - a 7.62 round can rip an oilpalm tree to shreds). After grouping up, we made our way UP the bloody hill only to realise the enemy had already fled. So we had to chase them over the NEXT hill. Luckily, I got shot and had to sit that out. And another platoon attacked the wrong hill.

And in recognition of Nina's performance above and beyond the call of duty, I award her the rank of Staff Seargent, with all the rights and priveleges accorded.

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 11:54 p.m.

Testing, testing, one, two, three....

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 04:39 p.m.

I just realised I have an opinion. And I just realised I have somewhere to put it in. So without further ado, my opinion on something already long since passed.

This, is the story of the "Bolehwood" controversy. Being of middle-income myself, I couldn't afford the extravagant prices to watch the comedy, even though I would have loved to.

Anyway, it all started with this ungrateful chappie who went to watch it, then complained to the papers, thus generating controversy, thus forcing Bolehwood to close down. I have two things to say.

1. I wish we could be a bit more open about this sort of thing. I mean, the censorship in Malaysia is a tad bit extreme isn't it? Banning movies and heroes that have 'undesirable' elements in them (like Daredevil and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers). Are we really a nation of ninnies who cannot tell right from wrong? Unfortunately, we are. You gotta remember that the elite few who complain about the state of our nation and the whole censorship issue are reasonably well to do, have tertiary education and English-speaking. Unfortunately, the rest of the nation isn't as fortunate. They're the kampong people who really ARE naive, and are really subject to these influences. Just the other day, someone I know fell violently ill, starting screaming, flailing and fainting. My first instinct would have been to call the ambulance (which I did), but the rest would have no part of that. In fact, they cancelled the ambulance I was calling. Instead, they had some guys come in and recite a 'yazid' or something. Now, at the risk of sounding insensitive to religion and all that, I think that's all fine and dandy, but shouldn't we at least have some medical attention??? Most of Malaysia are still living in the dark ages, where superstition and traditions are strictly adhered to. Science is the devil to these people! So, unfortunately, censorship DOES do some good. At least to these people. I wish humans were smarter but we're not. You and me, at the end of the day, are as dumb as doorposts.

2.On the other hand, censorship in movies or plays should be more relaxed, and if possible, removed. I mean, I understand censorship in newspapers or public TV. This is because ANYONE can have access to these mediums. So, we do have a responsibility to people's sensitivities. On the other hand, people have to PAY to watch a movie. This constitutes a conscious decision to watch said movie. In which case, if I am offended by, say, violence, why on earth would I pay ten bucks to watch "BLOODY MASSACRE 5 - DEATH AND HURT AND PAIN", then bitch about it to a newspaper? If I don't like violence, I don't watch the movie. End of story. If someone else wants to watch that, go ahead! It's not like they're shoving it down my throat.

So, what kind of idiot would go watch something that offends him, then bitch and whine about it in the newspapers? Don't like it? Get out! What was he expecting in "Bolehwood" anyway? All the publicity clearly stated that the play would make fun of the government, religion, et al.

It's like someone who was afraid of heights got on an airplane, then sued the airlines for flying too high. Whether the play was, indeed, inappropriate or not is a different matter. The point is, that guy is an asshole. And an idiot.

Ok, all better now.

Monday, July 21, 2003 03:00 p.m.

And so it begins. And when it rains, it pours. After six leisurely months of 'finding' myself, I've discovered there isn't that much to find. I'm just your average joe. And that sucks. I wish I found I was a tortured artiste or some enigmatic, mysterious, wild, extraordinary guy. But I'm not extraordinary. I'm extra ordinary. Ha ha.

Anyway, I'll be starting work soon as a copywriter and general PR dogsbody with Chameleon advertising, and that promises to be interesting. Meanwhile, I'll still keep doing my voice-over bits for that educational VCD company, for a little bit of extra income. On top of that, I'm the Freelance Advertising Manager for an up-and-coming magazine, called 'PINCH!'. It's a totally new concept, but the closest I can compare it to would be... KLUE meets Redbean meets JUICE meets a fatal accident, and then exposed to Gamma radiation and bitten by radioactive spiders. That's PINCH for ya. (So, yeah, if you want to advertise, gimme a call or email me!) Yeah, I know. Shameless plug. After that, I'm helping the aforementioned Brit friend of mine put together a themed disco night. THIS, is pro bono, because I think he'll do a great job.

So, yeah. Like I said. When it rains it pours. After all that, I've got the army, I'm still trying to find time to go to Officer's School so I can get my commission (2nd Lieutenant Lim Ken Vi has a LOVELY ring to it... and so does Major General Dato Seri Lim... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA). I won't be going to Ninjutsu class for a while until this worrisome lump on my back disappears. I've promised a lot of people I'll see a doctor, and I will. Soon. Eventually. Probably.

I guess this is life for me. I wonder how all this will turn out, and I wonder if I'm spreading myself too thin...

Saturday, July 19, 2003 11:40 a.m.

Following entry inspired by Lilian's craze for Pirates of the Carribean.

Saturday, July 19, 2003 11:13 a.m.

I am an idiot. I can't remember why, but I do remember thinking to myself

"I am an idiot."

First off, billions and billions of thanks to the incredible Yu San (WO II stands for Warrant Officer 2 - The highest enlisted rank in the Malaysian Army). My blorb looks slightly better for her efforts. Muchos gracias!

I had the oddest dream the other day. I dreamt I was a volunteer officer (rank of Lieutenant, to be exact) in the JAG Corps (it's because of that stupid JAG series). Anyway, I suddenly realised...

"Hey, I can't be in the US Navy AND Malaysian Army at the same time, can I?"

So I ask that chubby Lt (I can't remember his name). And he tells me to ask Commander Rabb (Or however you spell his name - the main character at any rate) or Lt Col... Woman. Mackenzie??? MOVING ALONG, Lt Chubby then remarked that they were both unavailable (off on another episode I suppose). Then I realise I can't remember joining the US Navy in the first place! So now I'm wondering if I REALLY am in the USN.

So me and Chubby are hanging out at Inti College, checking out girls (this WAS part of the dream), when an idea hits me as to how I can ascertain as to whether I was really in the USN. The idea?

Go to a cafe and order a drink. Then charge it to my account with the US Navy. If the Navy accepts the charges, then I'm in the USN. If not, then I'm not. So I go in and order a drink and charge it to the account. As I'm about to walk away, Chubby tells me to pay in cash anyway, just in case the Navy rejects the charge. This is so that the cafe won't lose money. After all, I don't want to be a thief, do I?

And then the dream ends there.

Friday, July 18, 2003 10:59 a.m.

You know what's funny? About a month back, I couldn't care less about blorbs. I couldn't even remember my own password, or the fact that I HAD a blorb.

Now I treasure my personal blorb, and take great pride in it. How do you figure that? I used to think that you'd be crazy to have a blorb. Now I know it.

Thursday, July 17, 2003 11:43 a.m.

Seriously, folks. Got a job offer yesterday. Great stuff. On the way there, they called "Can't make it now. Meeting. Meet up later?" I said fine, and turned back. Then they called AGAIN. "Looks like we can make it after all. See you soon!" Shit. So I turned around YET AGAIN and arrived at the office. And what do I see? Three doors down there's a funeral going on. And I'm thinking

"Hmmmm"

Anyway, this morning I had to help a friend of mine, a Brit, find out if he can perform as a DJ in clubs. He's an audio engineering student, and his student visa prohibits him from working. So I call up the Ministry's task force (PUSPAL which stands for... fishfingers. I can't remember), put on a fake French accent and no one bloody understood me. At first they told me to call back Monday when the boss is around. When I kept on pressing the matter to get an answer, the lady pretended there was a bad connection and just stopped answering me. I made sure they heard me say "PEEECE OV SHEEYT" (heavy French accent)

The French would have been proud.

I can't wait for August 2 and 3. The army will be doing river-crossing techniques. You know all those scenes from movies where they show these soldiers slowly wading stealthily across a river with weapons pointed in each direction. Yeah, that's what I'll be doing. That, and learning how to make a raft out of bamboo.

The French would have been proud.

Thursday, July 17, 2003 11:40 a.m.

Must... add... entry... did it!

Tuesday, July 15, 2003 12:01 p.m.

I just read what a bit of controversy my anti-christian rant has caused. I'm not sorry a bit. I've actually done a bit of research into my rants and raves, actually. No, really I have.

But the problem with religion is that, there's a lot of evidence to go either way. And, my stand that we shape the universe according to our belief stands. You take the evidence that corroborates your beliefs and ignore the rest.

For example, there's evidence that the "Virgin Mary" is no virgin. The ancient Greek translations of the Bible reads "The Young Maiden Mary". As the Bible got translated to Latin, then English, the word eventually ended up as "Virgin". Are you going to believe this? If you still believe Mary was a virgin, no amount of evidence is going to convince you otherwise. If you've been on an anti-Christ kick (like I am), then you'll sieze this as the gospel truth.

I anxiously await your emails.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003 11:48 a.m.

List of words I like:

Minyak - Doesn't the word sound suitably oily?
Geledak - It means deck, as in on a ship. Can't you hear the footsteps of sailors ondeck "geledak, geledak"
Tong - An empty tong does, indeed, go "TONGGGGGG"
Plank - When you drop planks on top of each other, I think they go "plank! plank!" Unless the wood isn't very good, in which case they go "plunk!" or even "plonk!". But that's another story.
Plate - It just sounds... platey.
Gravel - Try stepping on gravel. It goes "grvlgrvl". I also like the sound of a car on gravel.
Galoshes - Well, there you go.

ACCIDENTALLY saw Galaxy Angels or whatever on AXN the other day. I had no idea Japanese was so easy to learn. For example:

Biological Weapons : biologicu wepondes.
Hatchback : Hatchu baku.

I was supposed to go for Ninjutsu class, but my lip still hurts. I cut my lip during the last class. It was the last free fight (no holds barred - everything is a target). I was holding my own pretty well, to my suprise. The Sensei said I fought like a Tiger tank, on account of my size and mass (my main advantage). Anyway, my mouth was wide open and a quick strike to my chin ensured that teeth and flesh collided. The result was a big oozing of blood. Owowowowow. And what did my Sensei say?

"Next time keep your bloody mouth shut."

Where's the sympathy??? But I do admit I was asking for it. On the bright side, it was a cool scar. But now it's turned into a major ulcer and it hurts when I laugh or smile.

Monday, July 14, 2003 11:48 a.m.

Went to the firing range in Kem Sg Besi as part of my army training yesterday. It was a load of fun. I'd forgotten what a kick the M16 can give you. And this is just on semi-auto mode. Running and shooting the M16 a la Counter-Strike? Dream on. A few things pissed me off, though. An odd 30 or so extra soldiers turned up today without letting anyone else know. So what do they do? They cut the allocated number of bullets per person to accomodate these jerks. Then, obviously, there wasn't enough food to go around, so our rations got cut too. And of course, after shooting, they buggered of, leaving the cleaning to us guys. I felt very bad with the new recruits (they just passed their bootcamp) who were given the task of cleaning up. But I'm ALWAYS the good guy. The NICE GUY (You can stop laughing now, Lilian). So I buggered off. I want to be an asshole for once. But even if I become a crazed mass-murderer, I'd still signal before changing lanes and turning. Yes.

My Major is a comedian. Major Saiful Abdullah, RAMD (Rejimen Askar Melayu Diraja), who is 2nd In Command of my battalion tells dirty jokes everytime before a class or when we're in line. Some are so bad, you HAVE to laugh. Here's one:

Seorang lelaki memberitahu kawannya betapa sengsara hidupnya kahwin dua.

"My first wife, garang macam harimau! My second wife, hari-hari mahu!"

Keep your day job, sir.

The army. What can I say about the army? It's a lot of fun. I mean, I get regular exercise, the food is surprisingly good when you realise that the national budget allocates a luxurious RM1.20 per person per DAY for the military, and you get to shoot guns.

I use the M16. Now, some people will realise that we don't tell exactly which version of the M16 we use. Like, if you read about the SAS, they'll always (well, almost always) write "M16A2". This is because we are using the M16A1. This was the first generation jam-o-matic assault rifles used by the US in Vietnam.

But being in the army is also a lot of responsibility. No, really. Because at the end of the day, if war were declared, my job would be to shoot and kill people. People I don't even know, people I've never seen before. Sobering thought, and a bit melodramatic, but there you go.

But I have complete faith in the army. I remember arguing with my seargents and confused classmates on whether we read the x-axis or y-axis on a map first, during boot camp. And during Excercise HARRINGGAROO 2003 (Joint military excercise with the Australians), my Captain managed to attack the wrong hill. Do you know how HARD it is running up and down 3 or 4 Kelapa Sawit hills with a ballistic helmet, M16, 200 rounds of ammunition, 2 smoke grenades, 4 flashbangs, water canteen and flashlight? It's NOT pretty.

When we finally slogged our way to the right hill we miraculously found ourselves AHEAD of the lead element. Anyway, while waiting for the lead element (The 25th) to catch up (We were the rear guard), we caught sight of the enemy. They were medics. Carrying a real casualty (he was hurt while setting up a boobytrap - roman candle to simulate a landmine). And the Captain says

"OPEN FIRE!!!!"

Hmmm... anyone hear of the Geneva convention? No? Right. Here goes. POW! POW! POW! Now, because we're using blanks, the gas from a blank round escapes too fast before enough of it can be routed back into the chamber to eject the empty bullet-casing and load the next one. So, in effect, we have to cock the M16 EVERYTIME WE SHOOT. That, as you can imagine, will chafe your fingers. Ouch.

On another note, the M16 is VERY, VERY LOUD. And after a few rounds, I couldn't hear my Lieutenant, who was right behind me. Apparently, neither could anyone else, because he was yelling CEASE FIRE!!! at the top of his lungs and we were still going at it good and proper. It took us a while.

So that's life as a volunteer in the Territorial Army. The Terriers.

And Lilian is such a darling to me. I really don't appreciate her enough. I wonder how she puts up with me.

Friday, July 11, 2003 01:38 a.m.

I also think I'm the worst blogger in the world. The previous entry, hell this entire blorb probably violates all blorb rules. I'm sure there are rules. Some sort of "SACRED BOOK OF BLORB".
As you can see, however, I am a regular updater. Once a year. That's regular. What's freaky though, is just as I finished putting in this entry, Winamp played the final track on Eminem's Eminem Show album, where this guy goes
"Guess who's back, back again. Ken is back, tell some men. Rub my back, rub my back... etc."
Also forgive the way it looks, but the BR command is the only HTML I can remember after one year.

Friday, July 11, 2003 01:26 a.m.

WHY AM I HERE???

What's up with the world? I mean, seriously. What the heck is it all about. Is it random? Is there some sort of big plan? And if there's a plan, then what's the plan for? Is God really, really bored? Nothing to do, so he just makes this big soap opera. Y'know, existence. put a bunch of ninnies on a planet and see what they come up with. Hey, compared to an infinity of nothingness, I do see its appeal.

So there's a plan. Or maybe there isn't. So, either God ISN'T omnipotent, or He's got this really deep reason for making mankind so screwed up. Or He's got a sick sense of humor.

We just think the universe is some fast food joint, don't we? How convenient. We choose whatever the hell we want to believe. Deep down, everyone has an 'I'm right, you're wrong' attitude. Some of us admit it, some don't, some realise it, some don't. But we're all like that. And we justify our own beliefs, completely oblivious that the choices we have made might as well be random. Don't like this particular church/pastor/speaker/rabbi/cleric, don't like that set of rules, don't like these rituals or those clothings or these traditions or customs, or religion or whatever. Hey, no problem. Go find something you like and are comfortable with. You enter a nuclear power plant.
"Sir, you're going to have to wear some pants." "I don't believe in wearing pants. I'll go look for a nuclear power plant that let's me hang my coney dog out." "Whatever."

We don't conform to the universe. We make the universe conform to us. I was discussing the possibility of the existence of extraterrestrial life with a friend. Do aliens exist? Would they come and visit/invade? My friend said it didn't affect her, so she doesn't think about it. She said:
"If I don't believe in aliens, then what does it matter if they invade or not? It won't affect me." I thought "This is probably what the British were thinking." "If I don't believe the Japanese will invade Malaya, then it doesn't affect me whether they do or not." "Brilliant, sir. Your biscuits are ready." "Are they the ones with the little sugary bits in the middle?" "I'm afraid not, sir." "Oh, blast. "

And then, we have the nerve to believe that our own personal beliefs are completely right, and other people's are completely wrong. It's also pointless to argue with these people (i.e. people like me).

What's up with war? You know what I hate? Those self-righteous ding dongs who send smses, or write letters or tell people, urging them to keep praying to God to prevent war. Like that Iraqi war. Everyone was like smsing and saying "Let's pray to God to prevent an Iraqi war." Well guess what? The war happened. WAR STILL HAPPENS. So either that means God doesn't care, God can't do anything about it, or God wants war to happen. And if it's "God's will" that war happens, shouldn't these freaks be praying FOR war? That's why these people are stupid.

I also hate these people who believe EVERYTHING is God's will. There was this dumbass girl who went on a trip somewhere in the US. She made no preparations whatsoever, just put everything in God's hands. WHAT AN IDIOT. And of course, everything fell into place. She got lost in the airport, but it was GOD'S WILL that a security guard was there to guide her to the right place. Yeah, sure that's God's will. Otherwise, he'd be in the backroom masturbating like an over-caffeinated monkey. You gotta love these guys. They're completely helpless. Everything is God's will. If the toast is burnt, that's God's will. When I sit down and watch TV and the TV doesn't blow up, that's God's will. When I go to a bus stand and a bus stops to take me to my destination, that's God's will. What is WRONG with these people???

If I kicked 'em in the nuts so hard they choked to death on their own balls, would that be God's will??? Go over and set their noses on fire, shove pencils in their ears.
"Oh, no. You can't get mad. It's God's will that I'm squeezing this orang-utan up your ass." "Oh, ok. Maybe if I relax my butt muscles he can climb in."

How do we know the Bible or Qur'an really says what it says? How many of us read Hebrew, Aramaic and Demotic, or whatever the Qur'an was originally written in? And how many of us have seen the originals? Who was the guy who put the bible together? How come he got to choose what got included and what didn't? I read about how some chapters were left out of certain versions, etc. etc. Is that why the Bible is so screwed up? I mean, there's a lot of stuff in there that contradict each other.

And what was God thinking when He put that tree of life and tree of knowledge in the Garden of Eden?
"Hmmm... I'll create these two trees whose fruits must NOT be eaten by man, and chuck them RIGHT here, completely unguarded." Why did He need to create those trees anyway? "Hey, I'll invent an END OF WORLD DESTRUCTOBOMB with a HUGE RED BUTTON that says 'DO NOT PRESS - END OF WORLD BUTTON' and put it right in the middle of the Institute For Pathological Button Pressers. Then, I'll ask them not to press that button."

And what's so great about the Middle East anyway? What's so important about the Jews that they gotta be rescued first, and not the rest of the world. Millions of Chinese people, Native Americans, Aborigines, Africans, ancient Europeans. Screw these guys. I gotta save the Jews first. And then I'll leave it up to them to misinterpret the Bible, and use my name to conquer and subjugate the rest of the world. Why wasn't the "Son of God" born in China or something? If we are to believe the Bible, then the Jews were already 80% correct. After all, they were, apparently, worshipping the correct God. The Chinese on the other hand were busy with their idols and many gods.
In the Bible, God says that "Thou shalt not put any other god before me", and warns us not to worship idols. The scene in heaven, where God is interrupted by an angel.
"Hey, these guys are worshipping idols! I gotta put a stop to that. Go teach'em a lesson, son." "Excuse, me, God. But what about the Chinese, the Native Americans and the Africans." "The what?" "The... other people you created, God." "Can't you see I'm busy??? And don't you have a trumpet to blow and praises for me to sing or something?" "Sorry, God."

Which brings me to the Crusades and those godless sonsabitches (so-called Christians) from the so-called civilized world who massacred innocent Muslims. They were worse than barbarians. You read about them being so intolerant. They raped, murdered and pillaged. While the Muslims were busy seeking knowledge and living in peace with people of other beliefs, those dumbass Christians had to come on down and "rescue" and "liberate" cities under Muslim rule. I don't care WHAT the bible says, if these guys can go to heaven, I'm switching religions.

And what about the millions of other people who have not heard of the "true religion". If only by Christ can you enter heaven, then these pagans are all going to hell.
"I'll create only ONE true religion. Then, I won't give these people a chance to know about it, and send them to hell."

And of course Christians would have you believe all these other religions are fake. But everyone of these religions claim to be the true religion. So what is this? A lottery? Pick the wrong religion, and that's it. Kiss your soul good-bye. St Peter is up in heaven with his podium. "Ooh, so close. But I'm afraid the correct answer was 'Christianity'. Thank you for playing. We have some lovely parting gifts for you, though: Hell."

In that vein, it is statistically better to be Christian. If Christianity IS the true religion, then you're going to heaven. On the other hand, if Islam is the true religion, then Christians can still go to heaven, because according to the Qur'an, Christians and Jews have nothing to fear from God as long as they remain true and sincere to their beliefs. So either way, you're ticket's good.

I hate RELA. I think they're a bunch of whiny, pathetic, good-for-nothing, 'ooh-look-at-me-in-my-fancy-uniform' bunch of posers. They're all losers who want a fancy uniform, but can't stand the hard work. I'm in the goddam ARMY. And I earned the right to wear my country's uniform. Even then, I'm ashamed to admit it sometimes. I don't like wearing my uniform in public. Because I cheated. I'm not a full-time member of the army, but I get all the fancy duds. But then I remember that the army is staffed 99% by illeterate, in-bred retarded devolved monkeys, so I don't feel so bad.

Personally, I like to take the middle road when it comes to religion. I think that there are many roads, but they all lead to the same destination (See what I mean about us conforming the universe to ourselves). Because just as each one of us is different, there is no one size fits all clothes. And so it is with religions. There is no one size fits all religion. Each different culture has its own interpretation of God and their ultimate destiny. I also subscribe to the reconsiliation theories that compromise between gospel truth and scientific fact. I mean, there's some stuff in the Bible that can hold up to our current understanding of the universe. Take the "we are made from the earth" thing. That's true. Because our basic molecular... stuff comes from the same goop that made up the planet, and our entire solar system for that matter. So, in a manner of speaking, we did come from the earth.

I think I have to come to terms that I won't be a runaway success. We all have dreams. But not everyone achieves theirs. During Perestroika and the subsequent conversion of Russia to a democratic nation, many Russians had the opportunity to pursue their dreams. Not everyone made it. They say 80% of new businesses fail. I think I'm that 80%. I'm the guy who makes up the rest of the statistics. I'm the other guy. I'm the guy that doesn't quite make it. It kinda hurts when I see other people succeed when I know I should have... I wonder what's up.

Then I think about it, my whole life has been... nearly unreal. I think this is a very bad trend. Shy, low self-esteem, apparent disconnection with reality... isn't that the recipe for a mass murderer? Anyway, my life seems unreal. Like it's fake. Maybe a test. I don't know what the Good Lord has in store for me. I think I just have to accept that I'm not on good terms with God, there is a very good possibility I'm going to Hell. I feel at peace. Now I can concentrate on thinking about how I can make the world a better place for other people. I'm going to volunteer at church. And other stuff. I don't know how to get in touch with these help-society clubs. There's a better term for it, I know but it escapes me.

Then I think "Who am I kidding." I am a very lazy person. If we didn't have to breath to live, I wouldn't do it. That's another thing. I hate it when I become aware of my breathing. Because then I consciously suck air in and out. And it takes a while for me to return to 'automatic' mode. I just realised you can't "suck air out". Whatever.

Why am I here? What is existence all about? How did the universe exist? Why does it exist? What's outside the universe? Or is the universe everything? Either way, I want to know why. This is the sort of thought that can keep you up all night. That and knowing that in a couple billion years the earth is going kablooey.

Am I the only person who lies awake at night wondering what the hell I'm doing? Or worrying about death, and my parents and the people I love dying?

I also hate that we only have one life. I mean, I've got it GREAT. My life is unbelievably normal. I have good, honest parents. They have a good relationship. They're responsible. I've never wanted for anything (except loads of toys). I get three squares a day (when I remember to eat the breakfast, otherwise it's two - I've actually got it so luxurious that I CAN SKIP MEALS. I CAN MAKE THE CHOICE TO NOT EAT. Try explaining that to a starving kid in Nairobi), I got a roof over my head. I can do stuff like write this crap.

But what about the people who are born in war-torn countries, or draught-ridden countries? They are born into hell. They live a few years, then their stomach swells like Britney Spear's breasts and they die. Or the people who are tortured in prisons like the jews, or in Cambodia and stuff? They end their lives in pain and suffering. And that's it. The end. Adios amigo. Thanks for trying. Don't give me your Christian SHIT about not believing in Jesus meaning you're condemned to hell. Some of these people don't know where their next meal is coming from. They don't have time to read the Bible. If you're telling me these poor people are going to hell, or that non-christians who dedicate their lives to saving these people are going to hell because they don't believe, well FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING RELIGION. I like to think God's BIGGER than that.
"Hey, God... I was born in a small village in the desert with no food. I lingered for a few days, caught a deadly disease and died. My life's been a living hell. Sorry I didn't get to hear about the 'good word'. Not many churches where I come from." "Well, too bad. Since you didn't believe in Jesus, and since your little tribe worships Idols, it's hell for you. But don't worry. It's not really that much different from your life."

God creates these people, puts them in this situation where they suffer, or puts them in situations where they have to steal just to survive, and doesn't give them the chance to be Christians and then sends them to hell. Yeah, that's a great plan.

Sunday, June 17, 2001 02:30 a.m.

I don't know how I got suckered into this, but I was. Still coming to grips with HTML. I can't help but wonder what poor sods will read my blorb (That's what I call blogs). If I put a counter on this thing, I'd reckon I'd get maybe 10-20 hits in about 15 years.

I'm told this is fun. The people at Pita said so. They also told me I want to have fun. I'm inclined to believe them. After all, it's on the internet. They wouldn't put it on the internet if it weren't true, would they?

And finally, I would like to say "Polyunsaturated fat".