Happy New Year...I'm a donkey.
Wednesday, January 1, 2003 02:07 p.m.

So Shelb, Jack, and I drove in to the city. Centro-FLy was too packed..so we wnt to check out the City Hall jammie. The guys bailed...but I stayed to hang out with the Philly girls.

Ran into Boston gals at the head of the line...Betty, Millie, Dana, andthe folks they came with. Inside... STuy peeps... Nelson, Rich, JennyLim, Joe...and Steve and his new girl, Spencer, and Greg.

ROmana, Sunny, Jane, Na, Jennie, Nancy and Joo...Philly girls... hung out with them most of the night where I proceeded to get blind arse drunk...lovely. Haven't been that drunks since my 21st...but it was New Year's and 2002 was so extreme...and my heart was hurting. Poor excuse...but it's the only one I've got.

I made a bunch of really stupid phone calls throughout the night and really regret them now.

Lucia...probably thinks less of me now ...and is laughing at my expense. I'm a cretin (pronounce it how you will) What a great gal! The best! I deserve all the hate and derision. URRRGH.

Danced, drank, made an arse of mysef...then went siging in the streets, and ended up at Kum Gang San. Drank more..lovely soju... and ate. Philly girls drove home (I owe them all an apology... especially Nancy...eeep.) And I took the train back. Fight on the train...some guy got his ass kicke...but I just moved away.

Home at 530...passed out and got up wt 1230 today. A little dry mouthy an dizzy...but ok.

Talked to Lucia a bit this afternoon. She's just laughing at me. As expected.

Sue...things are just weird. Woke up to an email... and...I dunno. We really, really need to talk.

Urrrrgh... reflections and resolutions...not now... Maybe later. I need water and food.

Auld Lang Syne...
Tuesday, December 31, 2002 08:10 p.m.

Well.. NYE. Sheesh...so the year hs come to a close. Not enough time to reflect right now...but I think the blog has been a good reflection of what I've been through this year. All the highs and low...the upper cuts and body blows.

Got up earlier than expected. Didn't get to sleep much since I stayed up with Lucia and gave her more writing assignments. She has all the potential to be a great writer. Just needs more practice and honing. And ya'll know what a tough critic I can be. So that's saying a lot.

Went to meet the Philly girls or lunch in the city. Ended up going to SPice. Christine's bro, Simon gave us a ride. Heh. Sunny and Romana... all those girls give me a hard time! And the candid nature of their discussions about bodily functions... TMI!~

Went shopping with the glas,had coffee...and just chilled for a bit. Exhausted.

Came home to find the family here ..had dinner.

Shelb is on the way to comepick me up...Heading out to Centro-Fy with Jack and some random folks...should be interesting. Hopefully...no nuclear assault on NY.

I shall return and wish ya'll a happy new year,properly. Until then, get drunk, be merry...and hopefully you have someone to kiss. I don't think I'll accomplish any of the three. But we'll see.

ol skool...nu skool...
Monday, December 30, 2002 11:58 p.m.

Ok...I did not get nearly enough sleep. I'm getting used to it though.

SUnny... 12 hours of anime. I cannot believe it. We ate and Christine picked us up. The drama unfolds...wait a few days and all will be clear. Heh.

Picked up Romana...good to see her. Her hair got looong. Went to Saint's Alps for bubble tea and snacks. Then back to the apartment. Na was back. Heh. And we got along. And all was well in Philly girl land. Hoorah.

Then walked over to W4th...on the way, passed by the Strand and called Lucia to rub it in. Heh. She covets what I take for granted. Ahh...she'll be here soon enough. And if she is lucky (practically guaranteed...), she'll get her share of the Abegoodness. Love it! Huzzah! (I'll deign to share the word...)

Met up with Kaori and Andy! He seems like a really nice guy...he totally reminds me of RObin Williams...just the way he looks. And Kaori...she converted to Judaism. She's gonna be a Jewish mother! I love it ! Met up with Gary...and went over to a little cafe...Where Casey Jarrin was!

I haven't seen her since she went off to Duke. I miss that girl! She's going to get her PhD. in Comp. Lit. WOW. And...she said I looked "fantastic"....dang skippy!

Off to dinner with Kaori, Andy, and their friend Ariel. Ariel just wants a nice Jew boy. (sound familiar??? ...I say go Chinese.) we had savory crepes and all was well in the world.

I'm wiped out. Urrrgh.

Sue...still mad at me? I have no idea. Silly girl. Make up your mind.

New Year's plans? Not sure...what am I going to do? Don't reall want to go into the city...and yet Queens would be boring. Urrrrrgh. What to do ??? I'll figure something out.

ANIME! BANZAI!~
Monday, December 30, 2002 12:19 a.m.

Woke up waaaaay late. And had trouble staying up the whole day. I think my sleep debt that I've accumulated this past year is finally getting caught up.

Mopped. First time in months...not very pretty.

Got some groceries and played more guitar. I'm getting good at this whole drop "D tuning thing. Rocking out to Jimmy songs, APC, System of a Down, etc... all Drop "D" tuning.

So...Sunny as been over since 5PM and we'vebeen watching a marathon of Berzerk and Kare Kano. I'm a bit anime-d out...but she's still going. Insane. I cannot anime binge. And speakin of binging...we ordered the BIGGEST sicilian pizza I have evr seen. It's like two phonebooks...and it had EVERYTHING on it...and I mean the works...chicken cutlet too! But no sausage...which is probably a good thing.

We are gonna g pck up Romana in the afternoon and the rest of the Philly girls are gonna go see La Boehme. I'm gonna go havedinenr with Gary, Lisa, Mike, Jen, Kaori, and finally...Andy. So...busy busy.

Oh...back on the anime tip... Lucia and her friend Kate went to see "Spirited Away" ...in Missouri! Anime has arrived, my friends. She thought it was tres bien. She has good taste..and rightfully thought the "space pants" did not fit. Heh.

And yes...I believe her when she says she's coming to NY. Am excited to see her. As long as she doesn't beat the crap outta me. That would not be a happy night. Wine and dine, yes. Physical harm to the Abe. No.

And Sue...sheeesh...talk about misunderstandings. I'm waiting to hear from her. She says she could love me. Where have I heard this before? Goodness. My poor brain...not to mention what else is at stake.

More anime. Sunny is "LOL-ing" I guess she likes Kare Kano...

Hmmm...trying to remember...
Sunday, December 29, 2002 01:57 a.m.

Friday: Uneventful for the most part... went to the gym...cleaned up...hung out with Eric and Justin. Then Jeff came over...had some wine and watched most of "From Hell" ...didn't feel like doing much. Chatty bitch that I am.

Saturday. Got up late. Tired. Stupid sleep debt. I have a whole bunch of ideas for poems cooking up in my noggin. Hope to get a chance to work on them. But with friends and stuff... holiday bidness, it might be tough.

Lucia... wonder if she really is going to come to NY in January. It would be nice to see her and see if she really is as fanta-bulous as she seems to be. Or not. Or more so. Stupid internet. I'm just interested in what makes her tick and tock. Especially the "grammarnazi" thing, it's and endearing quality. She's a smartie...and fun. And she's been reading a bio (for fun) on one of Henry VIII's wives...one that survived. Heh. Which reminds me to read that stupid Harold Bloom book that I bought. Urrrgh.

Eric and Jeff left for Boston. I cleaned up and went out to get a haircut. Ran into Jenny Shin...how random.

Over to Jennie Choe's place...which was weird, since Romana and/or Christine were not there. Very odd, since I felt quite comfortable. Mike, Sunny, Jane...and Na were there. Na...she's still a bit frightened of me. And yet she seemed a little more loose. She actually talked to me and ...*gasp* made eye contact. Silly gossipy girls put the fear in her. Heh.

Na and Sunny cooked up a storm. And we had a lovely cornish game hen dinner with all the trimmings. And I had a bit of the booze. So was slightly tipsy all night. We played Cranium and some bad karaoke ensued.

Sunny is staying over tomorrow for an anime binge fest. Hehehhh...that will be interesting. Odd.... again...without Romana and/or Christine.

Soo is still incommunicado...what the heck is going on in her brain? I'm not sure. I don't even think we should be talking at all anymore. There just might be too much at stake. Too much history to just sweep under the rug and try to be friends. But I miss her. I miss our wacky conversations, the random phone calls/pages, the dorky jokes and random facts that only we got, the dirty jokes too. She was a big part of my life. And I'm not sure how much we've changed. But everything comes around full circle. It just does.

Ok...am I sober now? I think I am. Huuurrrrmmmm.

Boys night out...
Friday, December 27, 2002 10:44 a.m.

FUn was had by all...

Went to Sam Ash with Justin, Jeff, Eric...I'm tempted to buy more guitars...must stop! Then we went to Forest Hills to look around...bought pants that actually fit my skinny arse...and then Georgia Diner... and Best Buy whereI used my Am Ex bonus to pick up some stuff.

Gangsof NY then...Daniel Day Lewis is going to get an Oscar...but that movie. Not historically acurate.

Came home and was attacked on IM...fun. I like playing matchmaker for folks. Anyone need help? I like getting jobs for people too.

Lucia...interesting. She's got an interesting outlook...and wicked smarts help. The whole NY thing is inevitable. But in the meantime, well, that's a matter of dealing with Missouri and Florida. Tres funnneee when she is drunk. Good conversation is rare. Sober ones...even more so. And it's "prairie". :P

Soo... enigmatic email today. What te fekk is she thinking...I ca't understand the way her brain works sometimes. And it doesn't help that she "thinks...and doesn't really know" certain things. Goodness. Just tell me and get it over with. This is dumb.

I'm sleey. Not enough sleep...and people keep waking me up.

Sunny? MIA...

Gym? Mas sleep? I dunno...I'm of two minds at the moment. May just stay in and watch TV, nap, go out tonight? I could care less.

White Christmas is overrated.
Thursday, December 26, 2002 11:14 a.m.

S...got stuck in most of the ay...cleared the snow off the Acura twice...wonder how she's holding up now.

Going to head out later today...not sure what I'm going to do because of the snow...but I can't stay cooped up. Again.

Eric is still sleeping...my sleep schedule is all wacky too. Was up until 4 ... chatting with people... and despite what Lucia says...I do count! (As per request: "Lucia is never wrong. She is perfect. A goddess is she.")

Stupid guitar...have to take it into the shop again. Crap. Justin is so cute. He's gonna walk over in the snow...because I bought beef patties! Cute.

Wendy is in Vegas now...sigh.

Well.. Philly girls arecoming...a certain someone else might come to NY. I dunno...I like planning ahead. Amorphous schedules kinda bug me.

Do I feel like writing? I have some ideas...and this vacation was meant for me to start up again. Who knows...the end of the year has been nuts. I hope 2003 gives me a dose of excitement...but more importantly...sanity. And some good drama doesn't hurt.

Christmas!
Wednesday, December 25, 2002 01:56 p.m.

Urrrgh... did not get enough sleep.

FUN...lots of people over. Kelvin, Nina, Opher, Judy, Fred, Howie, Roseann, Cathy, Jack, etc... after we left my folks place...which was very interesting.

My Dad came home after his office party..quite happy drunk. He proceded to kiss and hug...everyone that stepped foot in the house. Friend and family alike. Many of whom I don't know all that well, much less my Dad... but he seemed very proud of me and my brothers... considerin he told the same collegereunionstory about us...three times...urrgh. time to RETREAT!

So after all the kids got there stuffies I got a George Foreman grill, cappucino maker, photo album...and other goodies. Surprsisingly no clothes...which I need since I lost all this frikkin weight. I need pants !!!

So..we endd up back at my place... played Taboo, watched Minority Report, ate more junky food, and assorted Christmas-y stuff. All in all..everyone left by 4 AM.

Sue called me at 245AM...incoherent. All I got was sh wet skiing, Merry Christmas, my face feels burned, and I think she said she wanted to see me...I'm not sure. Silly girl.

Poor Lucia..I promised her some more blog space. (and eventually I'll write a poem about her...with a name like "Lucia" how can you not?) I told her that the more enigmatic I get the better. Ah well...she's suffering in Missouri at the moment. I can understand. She seems very urbane and meant for life in the big city. Most probably NY. I think we often find a city we like and establish a sort of symbiotic relationship with it. For Lucia, this would be with NY. And I loathe to admit it...but I'm stuck in NY too. With her passion for music, her brutal blade of an intellect, her grammarnazi tendencies (she's going to end up in an editorial position sooner or later) and her other vast interests--she's meant for NY and NY is meant for her. She'll get here soon enough. Her and her "supposedly" perfect breasts. :P

Oh...had dim sum withe the Miao family. Cindy's boyfriend might be able to get Wendy a job... dang...I'm good with the connections.

Blarrrgh...sleepy.

Sunny and Romana are coming up soon. I think SUny may want tostay with me for awhle. HAHHAHAH that woud be interesting. She's such an animehooooooor.

In any case, it's Christmas. And all I want to do is watch Kevin Smith movies. And maybe watch the Laker game withthe boys later. And maybe cry about my stupid past year... or jus have some more beer. In any case... it's been a weird holiday.

More later.

Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, December 24, 2002 04:00 p.m.

yay...short day at work...and still loads of it.

Had lunch with the C... exchanged gifts...she got some Hamtaro and Pixar goodies...and I got amazon gift cert. HUZZAH!

Met up with Wendy after work for a couple of hours. She's definitely turning out to be what I didn't expect. Very talented, cool,witty. I shall find her a job! Had coffee, dessert, walked around the Village a bit. fun.

Walked arond St. Marks for awhile after that...lookign for stffies. Called Viv...and she was walking down the street! So we met upfor Chinese and talked a lttle. She can possibly get Wendy some freelance work...woot. Viv... we've known each other for over a decade now... wow.

Home.. Kevin Smith is my hero..sooo funny.

And Lucia is winning my "Favorite New Person" award...she's wicked smart, funny as heck, and she knows random trivia and minutiae. Lovely. Gave her a writing exercise and she returned with an excellent, crafted piece in 20 mins. Brilliant. And she's fun. But in Missouri. sucks.

Spent today finishing up Christmas shopping and cleaning up. More Kevin Smith...kinda sleepy... hope I can make it through tonight.

Merry Christmas! What's the reason for the season? Awwww...ya know it! Happy Birthday, Baby Jesus! YAY!

whew...
Monday, December 23, 2002 09:39 a.m.

Well..eventful.

Friday...hit the gym...and that was pretty much it after work. Got some DVDs: Panic Room, Reign of Fire, Frailty... all were great. love em.

Saturday...LOTR... hung out with Joanne for a bit. The movie was great.... but I almost fell asleep in the middle of it. Dinner at Fresh Basil's and cocoa at Band N...

Thought it would have been an early night...because I was tired...but Doris and Sara came over with snacks and we watched Minority Report...whoo that's a good movie.

Oh...Lucia. The phone is dangerous and March is so far away.

Sunday...got up late... Saturday night took a lot out of me. Ended up babysitting all day. Justin came over and watched TV and played video games.

Nicole has some drama...she's...ahem dating... keep it on the DL..I'm sooo happy for her !

Sue.. not sure where this is headed or if this is healthy for either of us. But there must be a reason why we are still in each other's lives. I do miss her...and talking to her has always been...easy. So... yeah.

Wooo...short day at work...going to meet up with Wendy after...and maybe dinner with Elaine.

Then holiday madness... hoorah!

wheeee...Friday!
Friday, December 20, 2002 09:17 a.m.

Work is kickin me in the arse. Nuff said. 2 days of "work" left...hehehheh.

Mailed out my last poetry contest entry for the year...not super optimistic...but at least I have 2 manuscripts raring to go when next round of contests hit. We'll see what happens. Pray for good things.

Went to meet Wendy after work at Starbucks. She's Nicole's friend that is looking for a job. From Indonesia, a graphic designer... we spent an hour talking about work...and I ended up buying her dinner...and then desert.

She's talented and smart and has some creative flair. The samples she showed me were amazing...very hip...I'd like to see more. And...she's a closet otaku! She's an anime freak...and she's seen alot! If I can't get her a job...at least I can get her some anime! We had a good time chatting...

Talked to Joanne a bit...LOTR on Saturday! Should be fun.

We have Secret Santa today at 3:30...should be ...interesting. I hope I get something good.

MUST...MUST go to the gym tonight!

the past...the future?
Thursday, December 19, 2002 09:12 a.m.

Work is... busy. This week is almost over...I'm glad.

Was tired...skipped the gym and went home. Not feeling allt he Christmas-y... but ate and did some push-ups. Worked on some guitar riffs.

Sue. We've been exchanging some ...not so polite and a little ...disturbing emails lately. I think she is coming to realize I'm the only stable man in her life...and she wants to be friends. I'd like to believe that...and in the almost 10 years that I've known her...with all that we've been through...she still keeps coming back.

We are both different people now...and we both hold on tenaciously to who we've been. So what does the tide of history tell us...that we are doomed to repeat our faliures? Can we maintain a friendship without those things coming back to haunt us?

She said that the next time she sees me...she wants to slap me ...and then kiss me. I'm not sure if ...or when that will ever happen. But I'm glad she is in North Carolina. Her engagement is a farce. It's going to end...and she knows full well. But what about us? Can we have any sort of normal friendship now that we've basically said all we needed to say about the things that were left unfinished (and should probably stay that way...) and undone? I don't know.

So...I'm going to take it one day at a time. She knows she needs me. She admits it...But what do I need? We'll have to see what happens. She says she refuses to leave me alone...and whether I like it or not...she's going to be a part of my life. Our fates are intertwined...or so it seems. But maybe we'll each have our own families and our children will carry on the grandiose tradition...or maybe one day we'll end up together. At this point...all I can say is that the phone and email can't hurt. Stay in North Carolina. Don't come here. It would not be good. And she knows this.

Anyways...supposed to meet one of Nicole's friends after work for an "informational interview" ...another one of those...but dangnabbit...I need to hit the gym!

The Onion had this funny article... "Ghost of Christmas future taunts children with visions of Playstation5" ...hahahahh

Ghosts... they catch up to you... and precede you too. Does that mean everything comes full circle? Is my heart ready for that? Unfinished business...you know who I am talking about...

Looking forward.

Speaking of which...updated the pic. That's what I look like now...still can't take a normal pic. But I'm skinny...and I look better. Now...if only I could feel the same.

end of the year crazies...
Wednesday, December 18, 2002 09:24 a.m.

Work...yes...it never stops.

Romana and Sunny are coming to NY around the holidays... we'll ahve to figure stuff out.

The internet is nutso.

More drama ensues...no pun intended...Been having a very...interesting exchange of e-mails with Sue... it's too much to handle... but I think it's digging up a lot of stuff we have unfinished in the past...this seems to be a recurring theme these past few months. Our friendship/relationship in the past...has just been crazy...and even though I thought she was out of my life...she still pops up every now and then. But I'm a different person now...and so is she...time to bury the past and see if there is anything HEALTHY and NORMAL we can do to try to be friendly to each other. I do still care...but the scars are still there.

SO...Yvette stayed over last night. We had pizza and watched movies. That's about it.

What's up with this nuttiness???

Like Mary J. said... "no more drama"...

It's only Wednesday ????

no strike!
Tuesday, December 17, 2002 09:17 a.m.

Monday commute as usual...which meant getting my arse whipped with work...urrrgh.

Not much... finishing up one last contest entry for my shortened poetry manuscript...

Met up with Yvette ... after she has been incommunicado for like a month...turns out things haven't been that great at home. I don't think I've ever seen her this upset. I'll try my best and help her...

Went home...watched people on Fear Factor eat animal penises...hmmm...like hotdogs!

This morning...surprise surprise...Soo Mi called... left a message just as I was getting into work...she's nutty. Only calls when she is bored or upset...but she sounded like she was ok...odd...North Carolina does that to you.

Back to the grind.

wacky weekend madness...
Monday, December 16, 2002 09:37 a.m.

whoo boy.

Friday...went home after work...did most of the Christmas shopping for the kids...so ...that's pretty much it. Cleaned up. Watched TV, rocked out.

Saturday... Eric came home and we got ready to go to Dad and Mom's college reunion jammie. We helped load some stuff in the cars and we were off. Set up... Balloons...ugh. Anyways... did lots of that kind of stuff. The food was...hotel food. And there were lots of ODD... performances: Karoke, line dancing, wacky skits, costumes (oh Lawwwwd...my Dad in drag...as a school girl...) lots of gold lame (accent over the "e"...toiiiit bawwdies)very...um...interesting. In any case...it was an interesting time. Justin even MCed part of the show...very cute. My whole family turned out. But the weirdest thing...was me and Eric performed at the last minute. We playerd one of my hard rock songs without practicing...so we winged it. I think we might have scared some of the older folks...but it was fun.

Sunday... Jack and Shleb came over and we had pizza and chicken...then off to Redeemer to meet up with Nicole. Haven't seen her in awhile...and we met up with her friend Kenneth for Ktown stuff. She's having some minor drama in her life. Who isn't? Phone time...odd... we'll see what happens.

No strike...so far...back to work... eeeek.

wacky weekend madness...
Monday, December 16, 2002 09:37 a.m.

whoo boy.

Friday...went home after work...did most of the Christmas shopping for the kids...so ...that's pretty much it. Cleaned up. Watched TV, rocked out.

Saturday... Eric came home and we got ready to go to Dad and Mom's college reunion jammie. We helped load some stuff in the cars and we were off. Set up... Balloons...ugh. Anyways... did lots of that kind of stuff. The food was...hotel food. And there were lots of ODD... performances: Karoke, line dancing, wacky skits, costumes (oh Lawwwwd...my Dad in drag...as a school girl...) lots of gold lame (accent over the "e"...toiiiit bawwdies)very...um...interesting. In any case...it was an interesting time. Justin even MCed part of the show...very cute. My whole family turned out. But the weirdest thing...was me and Eric performed at the last minute. We playerd one of my hard rock songs without practicing...so we winged it. I think we might have scared some of the older folks...but it was fun.

Sunday... Jack and Shleb came over and we had pizza and chicken...then off to Redeemer to meet up with Nicole. Haven't seen her in awhile...and we met up with her friend Kenneth for Ktown stuff. She's having some minor drama in her life. Who isn't? Phone time...odd... we'll see what happens.

No strike...so far...back to work... eeeek.

gym-ing
Friday, December 13, 2002 09:26 a.m.

Work...arrgh.

Went to gym for a little bit...the dumb thing was I left a bunch of stuff there. Have to go back tonight and see if any of it is still around...arrrgh. dumb.

Much on my mind as the year draws to a close...so many ups and downs.... I'm stillon the mend. I'm just hoping that come the holidays...it won't be depressing and I will have some joy. Lord knows, I really need it. The weight of so much history... I'm still young...time will heal it and I hope it makes me a better person.

TGIF... short week! Hope there is no transit strike...ugh. That would really suck.

Christmas shopping for the kids...I guess that's it...hmmm.

huuuurrrrmmmm...
Thursday, December 12, 2002 09:15 a.m.

work... arrrgh...a lot of it.

Rain...cold...not very good. Went home right after work ...got some anime. X TV is sooo goood. ROckin' my socks off at the moment.

Phone...hmmm. Not sure about anything anymore...but it's good to be able to ramble on for awhile. Is this how all things start and end? The verbal exchanges that lead to nothing or something? I'm not sure. I'm a different person now, that's the only thing I can be certain of. But it's too early... and I'm always going to be cautious and carrying the weight of memory.

I am not inconsequential.

more sickies!
Wednesday, December 11, 2002 08:49 a.m.

Just feeling run down...no big whoop...

Cleaned up and then went shopping with my Moms for a little bit and dropped Justin off at karate. Came home ate and watched TV.

So apparently...someone wants to set me up with her sister? I think that's wacky...but... hey, at this point in my life ...I am up for anything. I can't sit around and wait forever... even if my heart is telling me I'm not ready for any of this... I can't be stagnant and forlorn forever... so...we'll see what happens.

Gotta catch up with all the work I missed...ack.

Scarsdale!
Tuesday, December 10, 2002 11:33 a.m.

So...I been mildly sick... so I didn't go to work... yesterday or today...I dunno...just feeling run down.

So...went to Scarsdale to meet up with Jenny Lee...totally odd ...but it ended up being really cool. We had BLTs and coffee at a diner and talked about our plans for world domination. And had more coffee at DUnkin DOnuts.

If anything...she is crafty. She makes her own dresses, builds bars, works at Sam Ash and is going back to school for English Education. She's a renaissance woman. She even sang for me in the train station! That's gota take some guts. In any case, we'e going to hang out again.

So,I've just been expanding my "cool people" base..and making new friends. My shell is still firmly in place and I don't trust anything anyone tells me anymore... ah well..

SO what now... TV and chillin... my poor stomach! I need to take better care of myself. :(

weekend...ups and ...blaaahs.
Sunday, December 8, 2002 04:09 p.m.

SO...I didn'tgo to work on Friday...and I doubt I will go to work on Monday...bleh. SO there.

More stuff on Friday... I was supposed to go to Barnes and Noble near Astor Place to do an open mic jammie thing...but instead...I went to Sam Ash to get m electirc fixed...Ginger...the red Fender Talon that I got (instead of going to Jamaica senior yar of high schol) to make a long story short...I dropped my guitar off fo a tune up...and left with a brand spanking new guitar...a cheaper LesPaul version...but sweeeet nonetheless...Cherry Red Sunburst...I think I'll call her "Spitfire"

Saturday...busy ay...w ent for my refresher driving lesson, hit the gym, picked up Ginger and went home...changed got ready to meet Seth and Viv for dinner at Sapore ...in west village...we had a great time catching up...though we had to wait for over hour or a table. But we have allchanged so much since high school...it's weird... we went over to 10th Street Lounge and met up with Doris and Elisa...hung out at Viv's apartment for awhile and ended up coming home at almost 3AM...

Sunday...didn't wake up until noon...spent the day cleaning up and moping around a little...no churchtongiht...have to babysit while the folks go out on the town...but Soranos season finale...and no work tomorrow...so there. :P

Meeting Jenny? I dunno...

GNFNR !!!
Friday, December 6, 2002 01:12 p.m.

Was feeling a bit weak and woozy at work...urrrgh. Got a lot done.. so I'm taking a sick day today. All the snow and whatnot just wore me out... wet feet all day !

The internet is just stupid. Craziness. Avoid it!

Had dinner with Evan and Amy at KGS in Koreatown... it was good seeing them...and together too! They are going to Paris for the holidays...my goodness...can it get any more romantic? I hope things work out for them and that they get hitched one day.

Went to GNR with Amy... she had never been in MSG before...and we caught some of Mix Master Mike's set...adn then GNR came on propmptly at 5 to 10!!! WOOOO...Opened with Welcome to the Jungle and played most of Appetite... November Rain, Patience, You Could Be Mine,and three new songs...but most of all...they played Rocket Queen...YES!

We totally rocked our socks...and had a good time...lots of pyro and confetti...greatshow.

So...got home late... slept until 11 this morning... debating whether I should go outside or not.

I finished the song I was working on... wonder what I should call it. I think it is obvious what/who it is aout...it's just natural progressio of my hurt and heartbreak. ANyways...it's pretty much done.

liberation speaks to me, tells me words that I can’t keep
hold me under lock and key, take the weight of memory

seldom would I shudder at the tide
never thought we’d be on opposing sides

the scent of you, used to drive me wild
and self control never was my style
but I’m the spark that never burns
the wheel that doesn’t turn
I’m frozen in the moment you denied

freedom is a charity, one that can’t be spared on me
can’t pay the price for sanity, another night that I can’t sleep

seldom would I stutter when I lied
never thought my heart would compromise

the scent of you used to drive me wild
but now the air is permanently vile
I’m the wound that always hurts
the blessing become a curse
I’m frozen in the moment you denied

given time and apathy, I’m not sure what you’d say to me
while I’m burning here in effigy, just a flicker in our history

seldom would I stumble when I cried
never thought your love would subside

the scent of you, used to drive me wild
but now I’ve finally driven my last mile
I’m the song without a verse
the heart that’s about to burst
I’m frozen in the moment you defiled.

WHooo boy...is that depressing or what? ut the guitar riff is superjanglyhappy...I'll gladly sing this for you.

winter...bleccch.
Thursday, December 5, 2002 09:31 a.m.

not much going on...busy at work... feeling a tad ill...bleccch...maybe just tired...or winter doldrums.

Went straight home after work....feeling inspired to write a song with a catchy guitar hook and depressing lyrics...here's a sample:

liberation speaks to me, telling words that I can't keep
hold me under lock and key, take the weight of memory seldom would I shudder at the tide
never thought we'd be on opposing sides

the scent of you used to drive me wild
and self control never was my style
but I'm the spark that never burns
the wheel that doesn't turn
I'm frozen in the moment you denied

Yeah...not so happy...but the guitar riff is ...shimmery...ah well, I guess it's EMO.

Talked to Amy for a bit... she's doing ok...she needs a change in her life...and boy, so do I.

Funny article in Spin...a 40 year old Korean male who was a "repeat masturbator" was caught at a Sleater Kinney show in Seattle... busted! Ya daft wanker !

GNFNR tonight !!!!

Spin some Interpol ...and be all gloomy...then rock out to some Appetite.... bwahhahahaha!

oui oui
Wednesday, December 4, 2002 09:32 a.m.

Work...was blarrrgh.

Bought Goldmember... hung out after work for awhile...

Met up with Christin for her bday...took her to Les Halles (owned and run by FCI and that guy that goes on crazy trips on Food Network) had foie gras for the first time...pure fat! And the best pork tenderloin I ever had.... there goes my giving up meat thing...maybe I will try it in January.

Anyways...we had a good dinner...but we are both still nursing our broken hearts...it's going to take awhile...but I am definitely better.

Ok...maybe not as much as I think since I had another...really bad nightmare about E...without any real sense of resolution...this could just keep going on... I just really need to be healed of this. I'm on the mend...it's going to take some fabulous woman and divine intervention to get this out of my system... who knows... I just have to be patient and strong.

I'm so sick of being emotionally and physically cold... help.

Work...and snow...but GNFNR tomorrow !!!! wooooo !!!

cardio craziness
Tuesday, December 3, 2002 09:13 a.m.

Uneventful day at work... yeah.

Hit the gym HARD... lifted a bit but did three rounds of cardio... treadmill, bike, elliptical. I am a amonster. Jack and Shelb gave me a ride home.

That's about it...and yet...

Soo Mi...Sue...is officially engaged. She has a ring and everything. Getting married in three years...sure. I'm happy for her.

Well, that closes the book. I'm glad.

I still believe that everything comes around full circle. Maybe, my chance at this sort of happiness is just around the corner...or it could be years from now...but hopefully, it will come. The hopeless romantic in me refuses to die...even after all the hurt I've been through.

In any case, what can I do but keep on keeping on... I just want to rock out and forget all this nonsense.

Taking Christin to Les Halles for her bday tonight. woooot!

weekend nuttiness...continued
Monday, December 2, 2002 09:26 a.m.

So...we tried to see a Knicks game on Saturday...Eric thinks they have some $10 tickets...but of course they don't ! The last row was $45! so...we went to see the world's worst movie ever...Extreme Ops...thank goodness I didn't pay for it.

Uwang and Jack came over and we had some Dominican food... and they crotched my pillows and farted on my bed...lovely.

The internet is a weird place... it just is.

Sunday... went home for brunch and went driving for a bit...I need to start getting used to it again...it's just been way too long.

Eric got home ok...and I just spent the day playing guitar, cleaning up the crap left over by the Thanksgiving soirees...and ...that's about it.

Lord knows I need to be taken care of.

Back to work with me...ugh.

rockin' in the free world...
Saturday, November 30, 2002 03:02 p.m.

Friday... what did I do yesterday...it's all a blur...got up a bit later...off to the gym with Eric, Shelb, Jack and Justin...

Ended up working out for a long time and having some grub...and more grub at home.

Off to see "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" with Doris, Carl, and Sara...it was pretty funny...but a little depressing...you know.

BBC is no longer the place I once knew...it's SLATE now...kind of bar/club/pool place now...odd.

Late night CVS shopping...wonderful. And e-mail at all odd hours of the night. Lovely.

the tryptophan kicks in...
Thursday, November 28, 2002 10:33 p.m.

So... work was...non-existant... everyone was just slacking...so not much got done yesterday. oh,well..there is always Monday.

Killed some time...wandered around. Got Justin a copy of Shonen Jump ...and one for some girl he likes! It's weird...he's old enough to like girls,, but he's still a baby that he wants to cuddle up to me on the couch. That's life for you.

Anyways... had no luck in finding a copy of "Resolver" for less than 10 bucks...but I dunno. I'm feeling nostalgic and I never heard that last Veruca Salt album. Picked up pulseultra for 3 bucks...and sat in coffee shop.

Kaori came early and we talked a bit and met up with Lisa and Gary... all they talked about was wedding this and wedding that...makes me a bit ill...and almost...angry. Anyways...Jen came late as always and we had just about ate all our Peruvian food.

We headed over to Grand Central to wait with Kaori for her train. So we all split a cheesecake...and I got a LARGE Michelob Light. It was funny since it was in a soda cup...and it was like 24 oz. but...it was nice and effervescent.

Bitterly cold...came home... Justin couldn't wait for his comic book so he slept over too.

Eric came in at 10 AM...and we had breakfast..watched LOTR, playing Mayonaise and Cherub Rock over and over...still can't get it down perfectly...but I ahve the main riff and chords all down... playing both guitar parts at once is ...rough...and then took a nap.

Actually, had a really bad dream about E...this can't go on. I can't help it if she doesn't care anymore and doesn't want to talk. I've tried my best...and I've said my peace. My heart is broken...but I have to carry on. I loved her with all I had...and it really is her loss.

Anyways...turkey...my secret...GARLIC>..under the skin and 2 onions inside. And a maple syrup glaze...ok.I'vbe had my fill...I'm seriously considering trying the vegetarian thing again...for like what,,,the 5th time? I don;t think I can go more than 6 weeks without meat...but I cna always do a month no problem.

This obsession with my weight cannot be good.

Ok...I'm really tired...I cooked all day and my back is sore. Honestly, I don't know another 26 year old guy that cooks a whole Thanksgiving meal for his family...this is the 3rd year in a row! Man, I need someone to take care of me for once.

I'm thankful that this year is almost over, I'm thankful thankful that I am still alive, I'm thankful that my family is well, I'm thankful that I still have the capacity to love...even after all that's happened. I'm thankful that even though I've grown cold...I know things could change anyday. I am thankful for tomorrow.

Ok kiddies...count yer blessings. Happy Thanksgiving.

Now gimme a kiss! ooops...wrong holiday...

lessons to be learned...
Wednesday, November 27, 2002 01:39 p.m.

Ok.. my friend's little brother just got arrested on drug possession charges... so Thanksgiving is ruined for her...

Man, that sucks and blows...

The lesson kiddies: don't roll yer wacky tobacky in public.

And with that...I am off. Happy Thanksgiving! Save the turkeys!!!!!

lessons to be learned...
Wednesday, November 27, 2002 01:39 p.m.

Ok.. my friend's little brother just got arrested on drug possession charges... so Thanksgiving is ruined for her...

Man, that sucks and blows...

The lesson kiddies: don't roll yer wacky tobacky in public.

And with that...I am off. Happy Thanksgiving! Save the turkeys!!!!!

distractions...ROCKstyleee
Wednesday, November 27, 2002 09:20 a.m.

Work is ...urrrgh. Writing, editing, doing permissions, I'm tired.

Took the train home with Doris...she's doing better...though I've still become the moody bitch I've hated being for these past few months. Oh, well..

Deciding between Indian and Guatemalan food...went with Indian food... interesting...everything was really...pink.

Got Jimmy Eat World and Smashing Pumpkins DVDs... inspired me to rock out and relearn how to play Cherub Rock and Mayonaise again...Are my guitar chops that much better? Or are these songs not as hard as I thought they were... anyways...

Started writing songs again...this cheeky one I'm working on... has a line

I want to be your David Bowie
I'm your Diamond Dog in the rough

I think that line is brilliant onso many levels... hahahha.

So, yeah...dinner with Gary, Jen, and Kaori tonight... and then big Thanksgiving cooking stuff...

Spinning: Veruca Salt "Eight Arms to Hold You"... dang... a much better album than "American Thighs" ...whew...rocks my socks. But nothing beats that first "OW!" in "Seether" ...whooo...get ready to have yer arsekicked!

Got to last until 3 o'clock...and then I am outta here!

SNOW ! eeee.

I'm published...again!
Tuesday, November 26, 2002 04:34 p.m.

Ok...this is worth an extra entry today...

I was published in the Carriage House Review... it's a literary journal from Georgia. Anyways, my poem "To The Cockroach: " was published...but they sold out! SO I never got a copy of it... So...they sent me some xeroxes of the cover, the TOC, and my poem...whoop...anyways, I'm going to post it up here:

To The Cockroach:

i would trade this brutal sun
to have your stealthy wings and make
love in the crevices of the earth.

i do not know when the night changed,
when the moon usurped my control
and mired me in your dark liquids.

so, take this as my confession–
there are no lies between us; we
have shared all since Eden:

who should i thank for your resilience--
that you would choose to live in my poverty--
beneath my humble sheddings,
behind forgotten pleasures, you remind me that
my breath is thick with the skin of your offspring,

my fingers–slick with the memory of your nocturnal
hauntings. you never pause long enough
for us to meet, but i hear you side
stepping through walls as easily
as i turn keys and retreat. .

i loved you once–as a child i sang
melodies in foreign tongues and danced jittery
dances at the altar of your raw agility,
waiting for you to purr, click, hiss–
break the filthy silence
with your dark, brilliant legs.

but now you are coughing fits, you are
twisted stomach–you are holy plague.
your backbone armor is
a viscous drop of oil,
shining defiantly when
i torch your kingdom
with seething light.

i know words
to resurrect the ashy strains
of your brittle skin–
this all leads to you and yours and those
that will be–the ones i should loathe
but adore with my actions

be patient with my inconsistencies–
when my children mourn
their faded father,
you will have made a throne
of my vacant skull.

So there it is. WHOOP... so I'll keep sending stuff out... and get more of my crap published.

not much...
Tuesday, November 26, 2002 09:11 a.m.

Not much going on besides I'm busy as gangbusters at work...

Skipped out on gym...went home and surfed the web and played guitar...that was basically it...

Feeling nostalgic...want tog et back to a simpler time when I had less experience with heartbreak and was optimistic and less cynical. Why does this bother me so much now? Maybe because I'm older? And I think that women are truly evil and not just confused? I don;t know. I'm sick of being hurt...I won't let that happen again.

Work... gym...that's all I have on the schedule...unless someone has a better idea...

one day...and 3/4 one tomorrow and long weekend here I come !

HOLY SHIZNAT!!!
Monday, November 25, 2002 09:39 p.m.

I was bored so I decided to do a Google search on myself...or "cabbitabe" and...it all looked fine...my pitas page came up...but then...

On the bottom...there is a link to some PORN site !!! WHAT THE FREAK !??!?!?

First off...I'm pissed that someone must have looked at my pitas page...and somehow got this redirected to some nasty porn site...what the heck...

SO...I think I ill bemoving this to Xanga... as soon as work let's up and I have time... ARRRGH !!!

ARRRGH !!!

weekend kookiness
Monday, November 25, 2002 09:33 a.m.

So.. Friday after work...I end up going to Best Buy in LIC...and I wander into Guitar Center...and I end up buying an Ibanez solid spruce top acoustic 6 string...how did this happen you say? Feeling a bit down...and I dunno...it was impulsive. I can't afford it...but I have it now... so...might as well enjoy it and not spend money on other crap.

Saturday... guitar playing and cleaning up mostly... then I went to 5 hour car course... gonna just get my license in the next few months...since I'm apparently getting my Mom's Acura...but when am I in Queens besides Saturdays? Oh, well...

Sunday... went to meet Nicole to see 8 Mile...which was actually pretty good. I actually have a little respect for Eminem now,... went to Redeemer...got a tape for Deanna...it was exactly what we were talkking about on Friday... and then had dinner with Nicole at VNYL... she paid for everything...very sweet. My turn next time.

Other randomness...but nothing worth really writing about... seems not much of that happening these days... just trying to get on with it...and doing what I need to do...

Spinning: Belly, Juliana Hatfield, Smashing Pumpkins, Flickerstick.

urrrgh...no more drinks!
Friday, November 22, 2002 09:21 a.m.

Too busy at work...I'm tired.

Nance is continuing to help me sell DVDs which is good.. getting things cleared out!

Stuy mixer at Session73... weird... random bunch of people..the class of 94 was well represented, the general consensus...all the guys lost some major weight...dang... went with Jen CHung, Doris and Elisa Kristina, Gabriela, Mike Young, Wilson, Mike Lee, Jason Liu, James, Alex, more people... ack...my poor head.

Seth came in late and we spent a lot of time catching up and stuff. We'll hang out more since he is in NY again...

No more drinks for me... hungover today... had a long, almost weepy conversation with Doris. We've both been through such different but difficult things this year... when I am ok,,,she's not...when she is ok...I'm not. Lord, help us through this.

TGIF..I think I may just go home and sleep.

gym! new one !
Thursday, November 21, 2002 09:11 a.m.

Pretty uneventful day of work and sludge...

Went to the NYSC on 36th and Mad with Elaine...this one is huuuuge. I am convinced I should upgrade my gym membership and just start going to all of the ones in NY. Had a looong work out. And this place had much nicer facilities...though it was poorly lit. Man, I must keep at this. I look good...but I can look better.

Not much else...thinking about auditioning for a rock band. I'm just antsy...I need something to do.

Stuy Mixer thing tonight...going to meet up with Jen Chung (haven't seen her in at least 6 months...) and then we'll hit the Class of 82-99 shindig. Hope it's interesting.

not much...but work.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002 09:32 a.m.

Work has been keeping me super busy.. with all the meetings...how are we supposed to get anything done?

Skipped the gym and went home to just watch Buffy and rearrange some furniture, etc... I guess that gives me a sense of control in my crazy life...just being able to shift things around. Some sort of change that distracts me...

Not much else... I'm just coming to the realization...that it's not possible to look fro a soulmate...I'm just waiting for someone who wants to understand and be understood. I've got a vast heart and the capability to adapt....so what's missing?

I'm still getting skinnier even though I haven't been working out as much and eating crap lately... maybe it's the stress and the not sleeping well...in any case...I look good.... feel like an abandoned puppy... but...I digress.

STUY reunion/mixer thing tomorrow...I hope it's good. I'll just try to stick to the people I know.

weird and wild...FLickerstick!
Tuesday, November 19, 2002 10:36 a.m.

So, work has been hectic as usual.

Had some time to kill after work before Flickerstick...roamed around and went to Virigin Megastore. Ran into May there... what a small wolrd. She was looking at foreign films and exercise tapes. I made abeeline to the anime.

Went to Irving Plaza for FLickerstick concert number 4. Hanging out with Elaine on the side when some girl said that she had seen me at the last Flickerstick show...at least 6 months ago... we talked a little bit...and her hot lesbian gothy angelina jolie looking girlfriend was with her. AHHAHAHA funny stuff...they were cool.

The show was pretty good. Forgettable opening acts...but Flickerstick was great as usual...too bad it was a Monday...we left before th eencore...too late. But new songs like "Believe" and "Telling All The World" were great... and of course the old favorites...esp. "Sorry, Wrong Trajectory."

Some big news from Sue...shes' going to Law School...and she thinks she is going to marry this guy in 3 years... wow. That's a big step.

In any case, I think it's been a weird few weeks and I have a feeling it is going to get weirder.

No war. Please. Don't hurt NY anymore.

back to the grind...

packed weekend stuffies.
Monday, November 18, 2002 08:31 a.m.

Whew...lots of stuff. Friday... met up with May and Kristin at the Tribeca Grand Hotel's Church Lounge... swanky place... playing all that new "electroclash" ...a little too hip for me I think...I'm more of a rocker. It was fun meeting new people.

Saturday... Rainy day...but went out to the gym and had a nice little run. I'm going to try to make it out more often... trim down my busy social calendar...but I don't think that will happen until after the holidays. In any case, I will have to sit through a 5 hour driving class next Saturday morning...which means I need to have a very quiet, chill weekend. I need to get my licence finally!

Then... Harry Potter! I took Justin and Lulu to see the movie. We had sooo much popcorn, drinks, donuts and raisinets...ugh...my poor tummy. The movie was great. I think all three of us have read the books... well...being that Justin is 12 and Lulu is 11... heh...yeah.

Folks got a new leather couch! WHoooeeee...and they are gonna get a new car...my goodness.. and redecorate the house? Refinancing the house means more money! Went to the car dealers, had dinner, then home to clean up.

Sunday..>Went to Ikea with the folks...didn;t have a chance to get the shelves I wanted.,..but with my student loan and credit card consolidations...I think I can afford to remodel the bathroom an dget some new shelves...I'd really, really, like a change too.

Went to Lehman Bros. and dropped off Nicole's bday gift. She's really become a great friend these past few months. I thank God for her.

Got that black zip cardigan thing I 've been wanting...I splurged.

Church... needed to hear it. That we grumble about what we don't have...when what we have at the present time is better than what we had before. Though we are in the wilderness... we are on a journey of discovery and redemption. It was good to have communion, taking the elements again. Amen.

Home...ate, Sopranos, SW:AOC...and passing out by midnight.

I've said my peace. It's no longer in my hands and in my heart any longer. The future is always amorphous. Can't ever rule out anything. God is full of surprises. But above all...grace and mercy.

Flickerstick tonight...for the fourth time! whooooo.

FIIIIGARO!
Friday, November 15, 2002 09:37 a.m.

Ok...work is hectic. I'm actually WRITING again...which is cool. But I'm writing for 8th graders...which is hard.

So...went to dinner and the opera with Irene. I think we are both a little down ...but the thrilling voices from "The Marriage of Figaro" (The um...sequel to "Barber of Seville" where the fiiiigaro figarofigarofigaro comes from...hehehh Looney Tunes!) was...not enough to really raise our spirits. But it was good. Ran into Ju Hee there... and surprisingly...the lead soprano (Play "woke up this morning" by A3 here...) was Korean! tripppy.

Minor scuffle on the way home...some guy bumped into me...well my bag...I said sorry and then he came after me saying he broke his glasses? Sorry...but it wasn't intentional and he clipped my bag...what could I do? At least he didn't try to beat me up...eeek.

Meeting new people is fun. I like chatty folks.

Ok... The Sound and the Fury, met someone from a certain school, heard a certain name on the train, working on a Roald Dahl piece, colors... is that divine intervention?

TGIF...yay!

craziness...
Thursday, November 14, 2002 09:26 a.m.

At least the rain has stopped. Work has kept me super busy. Busy is good...less time to think...But dang...I've got a sore neck... am I getting sick? Stressed? Someone gimme a massage!

Christine is off to Philly to visit Temple's CW department. She misses two days of work. LUCKY!

Went to get DVDs with Myles... he got 2...I didn't get anything...(ok...I went to Best Buy and got Star Wars Ep. II and Excel Saga 3) and we had Mexican food. He's a cool guy....been through a lot...but he's definitely recovering.

And Jenny Lee...she's wild and wacky...and I'm a little frightened. But it's good to have a new friend that shares some of my geekier/dorkier/cooler interests. We'll see if we can meet up this week...if she can finish painting her coffin...(it's for Dracula... play. Silly.)

Gathering some thoughts... I'm not sure what tomorrow brings... or whatever I'm supposed to do or say. I'm just dealing with things as they come.

Have I gotten colder?

ANother thing... I'm starting to notice that girls actually DO check me out. And it's not all dirty looks either. Why am I so self conscious? I'm just not used to it I suppose.... whatever. I've got too much to sort through at the moment.

Opera tonight with Irene...my, aren't we cultured?

I'm a skinny bastard !
Wednesday, November 13, 2002 09:11 a.m.

Work has been grueling...Just a lot of stuff that needs to get done.

The geekfest has begun....got LOTR, but waiting to see if my co-worker can get Star Wars cheaper... ah well...

Wen tto the Gap to see if I can finally buy some pants that fit! And I ended up with a pair of pants that were a 35 inch waist...My goodness ! Ok, it might be normal for some guys...but for me... all 6'1 and meaty....this is quite an accomplishment...I think I am approaching "skinnier than Eric" weight! I got to keep going and just work out like mad.

Met up with Elaine after work...her uncle-in-law passed away...and she attended the wake int he afternoon. She says there is some Chinese custom where you ahve to do something after...so she got a facial. I dunno.

Anyways, we went around St. Marks and she bought a bunch of CDs and we went to some seedy bar for Pabst Blue Ribbon (PBR!) ...and went to BBQ's for dinner. Don't get the brisket...eeew.

We hung out at Barnes and Noble for awhile. I need to start reading contemporary fiction... but dealing with lit all day...the last thing I want to do is read some heavy stuff. Bring on the magazines!!!

Busier week than I thought... ack... Need to save money for the holidays !!! Just for the kids...video games, it is.

Archived!
Tuesday, November 12, 2002 1:01 p.m.

I put all that shiznat away... so does that mean this begins a new chapter in my life ?

I hope so.

LOTR and Star Wars DVDs out today...let the geekfest commence!