Drama.
Friday, February 7, 2003 09:28 a.m.

Ok...work done...went to Guitar Center...nothing I wanted.

Home...ate... TV.

Esther called...we talked a little. News: She's back to seeing her old high school boyfriend. One of her friend's Mom died...she moved to Astoria... she has a weird work schedule...and we are going to try to talk again sometime later.

I always felt that we led parallel lives... After Doris' Dad died...It was hard on me... and I'm sure Esther went through much of the same...and then there is me and Sue... that hasn't been worked out yet. I even sorta called this morning...eh...

Esther, I hope that if you ever read this that you know...I want the best for you. We need to talk some things through...and if anything, I'd like to be your friend. I don;t know what the future holds for us...but it's the future and we both have lives to attend to.

With that being said...I left Wendy a message last night...and she called at 2:30 by accident...woke me up when she should have been checking her voice mail. It was a nice surprise...but I couldn't get back to sleep until 4... ack.

BUT...have been thinking a lot...and I am ready to write again...with all the drama in my life (and reading Box Office Poison) I know that I need to be working on my novel. I'm going to start with the 5 vignettes about the character's love life...and then I've decided to stick with the shifting POV between the 8 characters... it will be interesting, And I need to stick with it and really do it. I want to finish my first draft before I'm 28... and hopefully get it published before I'm 30.

Dangnabbit...I am an award winning poet, my work appears in a national textbook between Sandburg and Dickinson, and I have a letter from Frank McCourt saying he loves my work! I need to make good on my potential.

All in all...I'm ok. I'm a decent human being. And I haven't given up on love. I'm just not going to be giving it away anymore.

Earn it. Cherish it.

TGIF...I'm gonna archive this bad boy... starting fresh next post.

STINKY!
Thursday, February 6, 2003 10:01 a.m.

Yeah...work. Ugh.

Me and C did not win the LOTTO. :( Allour plans...down the tube!

Went to Chinatown with Eunice for mor ebday stuffies. She got me a MashiMaro soccer thingee and a little picture frame jammie...um...yeah. Cute...but I'm trying to toughen up my image! So they will stay at home. HEH.

Had Taiwanese food at SO GO...not too bad...but stillnot the same. Oyster pancakes...slimy. Stinky Tofu! Kinda weak...but Eunice couldn't eat it...more for me...ugh... felt sick. And the rest of the stuff was ok...Flushing is still better. One day I'll bring myself to go back...

Had desert at a cafe after and talked about the future and what we want...things with Rob...are going well. But do they have a future? I hope so... and as for me...I'm just confused. Things have been waaaaay tooa ctive as of late...and I really need to decide what I want. There is that one person...but does she want to be with me? I don't know.

So...I'm confused as ever.

Box Officer Poison and Argento Soma... numb the pain!

More gym tonight...maybe hanging out with Elaine sometime...who knows.

I feel like crawling under a rock...can someone tell a pretty girl to come and get me?

urrrrgh...
Wednesday, February 5, 2003 09:47 a.m.

Got in late...sick passenger on the F train...cleared the whole train...been hearing sirens allmorning...not happy.

Been reading Box Office Poison lately... man...can life really be like that?

Popped into ESPerNet to see the new home of #animedvd folks...it was good to hear from old timers again. Hey Carpy! Miss ya dooood.

Had dinner with Wendy at Coffeeshop last night. That's three times I've seen her this week...and ...well..I'm not even sure if we are friends and if it's worth the risk of anything more...considering her status at the moment. She's funny, smart, shy, interesting, talented, awfuly sweet and cute. But...but... yeah. Even went grocery shopping for a little while. She had a lot of freelance projects due...but she made time to meet with me. Which was nice.

Been thinking a bit... how everything come sin waves and how I get wrapped up in the drama that seems to find me. Sue's bday is coming up...and she seems to be under lock and key at home. I just hope she is ok... and the whole thing with Esther.

I'm not sure what to make of it...and what I have to say...but I miss her life. I miss the way she used to talk...and how funny and quirky she used to be. I want the best for her... even if we can't be friends...even if she doesn't want any part of my life...I want her to be well.

I'm not good with harboring anything bad...I want to let it all go...and just be content. With myself, with my loved ones...with the grace of God...

Loving unconditionally is hard...but it's worth looking into.

And can I possibly live with Lucia for the summer? I think that's craziness...but having a little extramoney would help. Heh. Ahh...wait and see... a lot can happen in 5 months.

Bday celebration continues! DInner with Eunice tonight.

I'm...ok.
Tuesday, February 4, 2003 09:26 a.m.

Work is... hectic. We're missing deadlines and we are restructuring...what can I do ? (Besides look for something else..heh.)

Christine bought me lunch at Teriyaki Boy...it was more bday goodness.

Went to the gym...ran my little heart until it was full. My arms are getting pretty dang cut...must keep at it. Too bad I have a gut still...but a much smaller one than before. WOOOT.

So, I've been thinking...I'm ok. I need to be ok by myself and with what I need to do. Sure, I can be lonely and confused at times...but who isn't? There isn't anything wrong with me, per say...but perhaps the choices I've made. If I'm going to get involved with anyone...I need a partner...I can't stroke anyone's ego anymore...just because. I give compliments freely...becuase when I am amazed by genius or beauty, I'll acknowledge it. But I know what I am worth. And I need someone willing to acknowledge me too. I'm sick of the one-sidedness...where I am the only one willing to change, compromise and adapt. That's not a relationship...that's self-flagellation. What do I need that for?

I told my Mom I had been upset....and she called me last night. She said she was thinking of me all day. And she knows what a fragile heart I have and she was sobbing because she didn't want to see me hurt again and again...but I've changed. I'm stronger for it. Maybe there is something to this warrior-poet thing...

I'll always be passionate...I'll always fight for what I believe in and what I want...and the past few months...I've learned what I am capable of...and how much more I need to go.

But I'm great. I'm good. I have a heart. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. And if you can't see the value in that or me...that's a shame...because I see it in you.

Anyways...have been writing...many demons to exorcise...and exercise.

Helping Wendy find a job...and looking for stuff for myself. DInner with her tonight? Who knows...

More than I can handle...
Monday, February 3, 2003 09:15 a.m.

Let's just cut to the chase and get to what is primarily stressing me out.

I ran into Esther.

She was at Redeemer night service. And I got up and went to the bathroom towards the end and was standing in back. I didn't believe it at first...but when I saw her. My heart just stopped. She tried to play it off as if nothing had happened in the past few months. But of course...words were said. I'm not even sure of what happened...but we do need to talk. If she is ready.

If anything...I still miss her and care for her. Despite the hurt and the heartache...I can't help but feel that there needs to be something said. I don't know what I want anymore...and this past month has been crazy. All I know is when I see her...it's a rush of so many things. I need to really think and pray about this. Lord knows, it's been the defining thing of this past year. And in order for me to function...in order for me to really get better...there needs to be some sort of resolution.

I can't make her care for me. And I can't help but care.

In any case... it was an up and down weekend.

Friday: After work...hung out at Wendy's new digs for awhile before we hit Chinatown for the big dinner. She's amazingly sweet and cute...and she showed me her photos and all the stuff she's been designing. Shari came over and we headed to Nonya to meet up with Wendy's friends Brittania, Jen, John, and Chris. We had a ten course new year's meal and a lot of SIngaporean/Malaysian food that I've never had before. Wendy was a gracious hostess and was just...great.

We went back to her apartment for awhile and then Britania, Shari, Wendy and I went to Centro-fly. It was lots of fun... Basically...it was me and Wendy most of the night. She bought me a couple of drinks and we danced all night to electronica and hip-hop. She was there on her friends' guest list...but she just said hi to them and hung out with me all night. Very sweet. One of the best birthday's I've had in a long time.

Saturday: not much...recovering. Eating left overs and counting my red envelopes. Heh.

Sunday: Family came over...we had more leftovers and my 2 day old bday cake. Then I went to Chinatown and got a snazzy haircut... very trendy and cute... asymmetrical. Then went to church to meet Nicole, Wei, and...Wendy. Then the Esther thing happened.

Which brings us to the aftermath...I was upset and confused and went to dinner with the three... but managed to calm down some by the time we got to Yakiniku. It was fun...we had a good time...and I walked Wendy home. Yeah.

Had a hard time sleeping...made a few phone calls to my support group of friends...and well...I feel a little better. I'm not sure what I'm going to say to Esther (if and when) we talk...but I need to see her and see if we can clear up any misunderstandings...and maybe I'llget some answers. It was all a matter of communication...that got lost by the stress of her coming home...and me stressing out because she was stressed and not speaking. I want more than anything for her to be in my life again...but at what cost? I'm not sure. I hope there is a friendship we can salvage...but is that even possible? Can we be healed? Can I learn from the past and move on?

Drama. I don't look for it. Trust me.

Speaking of which...Sue is still incommunicado...man...what is up with this bad timing???

Urrrgh...and now work. Pray for me...because I need it more than ever.

Year 27...
Friday, January 31, 2003 09:48 a.m.

So...it's my birthday. What do I usually do on this day? I evaluate my year and really try to do better. The things I want are the same: to love and be loved in return, to make good with my promises, to not hurt so much, to just get better. Lord knows, this has been one of the toughest years of my life. And there are so many things that I don't understand. And I'm praying for wisdom and patience as I start another year. "27" is "supposed" to be a good one... we'll see.

Met up with Roseann and Henny last night. They took me out to "Moustache" for Mid East food. It was fun...Roseann needs to stop thinking and breathing school so much. ACK. Henny is just too cute for her own good. The Aussie accent goes a long way.

Ended up on the phone with Wendy until 4 AM. Looks like I am spending my bday with her and her friends later tonight. We get along great. She loves anime, comics, art, films, and has this weird FOBBY/AsianAmerican thing going on. I'm intrigued. And awfully tired.

Work... just blaze through the day and get on with the festivities.

Chinese New Year...bday goodies. Yeah. Things could be good. Let's hope they are.

Seriously, after all the crap I've been through...don't I get a chance at being happy for once?

I think so. :)

It's yer birfday! Go Abe! GO! GO! GO!

*does little dance.

I am too cute.

Ph34R My L33T 5KILL5!!!
Thursday, January 30, 2003 09:15 a.m.

Work is work...which means it is yucky.

Been reading Megatokyo... the whole l33t speak stuff is funny. But only if you get it.

Been feeling down in general...it always gets this way around my bday...can't help it. Self-evaluating my year of us and downs...and this one has been probably the WORST ever... I can't believe the highs and lows...just hoping year 27 will be much better.

Met up with Yvette...we ended up going back to Cosmic COmics... Genvieve...sigh. She told me to email her...trying to hook her up with a job.

Went to Johnny Fox's...had great, great bar food. Greasy as heck but good. Yvette told me why Jen had to bail on me...wow...now I know...and dang. That's a good excuse.

Explosion in NC had me all worried...so I had Doris call Sue...she wasn't home...ugh...whatever. This is pissing me off.

Having trouble sleeping again... ack.

DInner with Roseann and Henny tonight. Woot.

Back to being a monkey.

Cous-Coused out...
Wednesday, January 29, 2003 09:17 a.m.

Work...the day after the layoffs...so no one is in a good mood... It's eerily quiet. I can't deal.

Sold lots of shiznat...to pay off my expenses this month...and still...I'm swimming happily in this ocean of debt...but I am chipping away...and I am employed.

Kiehl's? Christine loves the stuff.

Went to meet Christin afterwards...we went to Mogador for Morrocan/ Meditteranean stuffies. Christin always likes the nasty stuff...grilled sardine appetizer? Um...ok. Anyways...we had a nice dinner and a long talk. We've both just been burned so badly this year...and we are healing...but we are in no way back to our normal lovable selves. It's mindboggling how cruel people can be toeach other...and I can't bring myself to do the same. It's not in my nature. I cna be a bastard...but I've always apologized for it. But the whole "abandonment" thing... that's something I can't deal with. Man, I hate that.

In any case... Christin agrees that Grace acts funny around me ..still.. I think we need to have a talk... I'm fine. But I hope she doesn't harbor anything...who knows.

And apparently...Marsha sounds great...and Christin has no excuses for not introducing us...besides the fact that she wants me all to herself. Heh.

Lucia... things have been rough. Just a flesh wound. You are worth more than this. You rock. Hang in there.

Sue...still missing. I hope she is ok.

Dinner with Yvette tonight...haven't seen her in weeks... when am i ever gonna get to the gym ???

Ugh...good and bad.
Tuesday, January 28, 2003 09:57 a.m.

Good news: Still employed.

Bad news: Failed road test. KFC bucket, toppled garbage can, car in my lane going the wrong way, this equals me getting flustered and making stupid mistakes. But my parallel parking was perfect! Just need to renew permit and take it again...hopefully, in better conditions.

Stayed home...cleaned up...felt like crap because of the bad office politics and the whole driving thing.

Denise called...she's sick...has the huskysexysicky voice thing... we talked for a little while and are rescheudling our plans for Sunday. HUZZAH.

Been selling a load of crap online...to pay for the new couch, the new glasses, and going out a lot. DANG...must keep this up.

Recs for Ross and Lucia are done and will go out in the mail today. Lucky them!

Currently listeing to:
ZWAN--Mary Star of the Sea
Ladytron--light & magic

Office is dead quiet...freaks me out. But I have work to do... and a resume to update.

Day of Stress...begins..
Monday, January 27, 2003 09:08 a.m.

First...last night. Jack, Shelb, Gangsta came over...we had FAT food and brews. Tampa Bay crushed the Raiders... dang!

Got enough sleep...got in to work extra early... going to see if I have a job after this morning. ACK.

Then road test at 1:00. DOUBLE ACK.

Maybe movie and dinner tonight with Denise? more acks?

Anyways...I'm a little tense at the moment. Headachey too... need to breathe.

Pray for me.

why is everything brok-ed?
Sunday, January 26, 2003 05:23 p.m.

So..>Friday plans had to be cancelled/rescheduled...even my alternate plans!

Denise...some bad stuff...some kid she knew from middle school committed suicide...sad. So she went to the wake...adn we have to reschedule our stuff for Monday or some other time later in the week.

Lucia has a busted ankle and bruises...and then she broker her thumb! Yipes...My cloud of bad mojo spreads...

Back to Friday...was going to go for drinks with coworkers...but my glasses broke. Just snapped. Ugh. Rushed to Chinatown and got black wire frame glasses (EMO-lite) in half an hour...so went home to eat with the folks.

Saturday... went to Minado with the whole clan...and had Japanese buffet...ugh. no more. And drove around for a bit...I'm good at this "parallel parking" thing. woot.

Puttered around, watched "Virgin Suicides" and cleaned up.

Sunday... home for brunch with the family... and changed my first flat on my Dad's car. I feel manly. More driving...more parallel parking. I feel pretty ready.

The guys are coming over later for Super Bowl festivities. Should eb testosterone filled goodness.

Recs are ready to go. Lucia doesn't take compliments well...

Sold lots of shiznat on the net. But instead of paying down my debt...end up paying for new glasses. Sigh.

Monday...ack...big day. Find out about the layoffs, the road test, and maybe movie and dinner. It has the potential to be a very,very bad day. ACK> I just want my stress level to drop a bit.

Make note of this: the worst thing to do to Abe is...go missing. Incommunicado is a thing you do not want to be around me. Not good.

Ok.. Super Bowl shuffle time. Praying that tomorrow is a good day. ACK.

I need a massage. And a hug...and ...more. :(

cold! must stop!
Friday, January 24, 2003 09:38 a.m.

Not much going on yesterday... was home... wroked on recs for Ross and Lucia... cleaned up.

Had dinner with Mom and Justin...Taiwanese stuff...haven't had that in ages...

Back to work...back is a little sore...

Movie and dinner with Denise tonight...wooohooo.

TGIF...again... hopefully it won't be my last one at work...

ccccold.
Thursday, January 23, 2003 10:16 a.m.

Ok...I took a sick day...I'm siff, my neck is sore..and I've been gettng leg cramps and stuff. Just don't want to deal with the cold...and I mean like 8 degrees cold.

Had lunch with Grace Kim last night. She's smart, ambiious, gorgeous, and she's got a good head on her shoulders. She's headed back to HK for 6 months and will be back in NY in August.

Helped C buy a watch for her man. I would never buy a Gshock for myself. Ugh...

Working on recs for Ross, Deanna, and Lucia... just in case I get laid off...I want to get these out on letterhead before it's too late.

Dinner, movie, drinks with Denise tomorrow...ok...is this more than friendly now? I'm not sure...oh well...

Sue... whatever. Too much to deal with. Bad drama? Avoid it.

Gary swung by for American Idol for a bit.

I should probably update my resume and look for jobs...ack.

It's bitterly cold...in more ways than one.

Bad drama...
Wednesday, January 22, 2003 09:34 a.m.

So... back to work after a long weekend...nothing but the pits...since more talk of layoffs and the future looks bleak. If I do get a pink slip...it won't be so bad...but I do need money. But severance and unemployment could fund some writing time...hmmm...

Ok...bad drama...Sue's ex...called me last night and we eneded up talking for 20 mins. Apparently, he hacked into her phone invoices and knew that we were talking...in any case...he thought we were dating and that she was in NY...which isn't the case. I had to tell Paul "Po Wei" Chen off...and tell him to just get on with his life. Sue, goodness... when does this madness end?

In any case... Denise...I'm liking her more and more...she's just witty and funny... as opposed to my first impression of her. She came off as very serious and professional... but I think the ice is broken...and we are having movie/dinner thing on Friday... see what happens.

Grace Kim is back from HK...supposed to have lunch with her today... funny thing is ...I was thinking about her on Sunday...Helena Bonham Carter reminds me of her for some reason...and HBC was nominated for a Golden Globe on Sunday...hence... yeah. I'm nutty.

Too much!

Weekend....
Tuesday, January 21, 2003 10:19 a.m.

Long weekend...full of ups and downs.

Friday: Had a lovely dinner with Lucia at Cite. Got blazingly drunk cause I was a bit nervous. But had a good time. It's a shame we didn't click...but it makes things less complicated. We'll be friends..hopefully. I think she is brilliant and fun...so it's something I'd like to preserve.

Things with Sue have gotten very... confusing. Apparently her exfiancee has been calling and threatening to visit...and she's had to chnage all her phone numbers. Not sure what is going on since we haven't been able to talk...but ... things don't look all that great at the moment. For anything.

Feeling a little ill... sleeping like a mofo... but driving has been excellent. I am mastering parallel parking...I feel like I can do anything... small victories.

Sunday: Grace and Amy decided to pop in and surprise Christin before she leaves NY. Met up with them at church and went to Ktown after. It was good to see them.

Things with Grace will never be the same. She still emphasizes the fact that she is eating...and we can't even talk for more than 60 seconds without things getting weird. AND she made it a point to call her bfriend in front of me... odd. But I can't let myself read too much into it. It's in the past....and that's where it should stay. I miss her and the way things used to be...but above all I'm glad she's happy and well.

Ugh... why do things get dredged up all the time...I should just up and move someplace where no one knows me.

Monday: More driving...hanging out with the family. Cleaning up... getting ready for work.

Weird thing...around midnight... two "call and hang ups" one on my cell phone and one on home phone. I'm thinking it might eb Sue's MOM checking out her cell number caller ID's ...or it could be the ex...ack. What's going on???

In any case... work... movie with Denise this week...and more driving... one week from now...I could NOT be working. Scary thought...but contingency plans are on deck.

So...back to work for now... Lord, I hope all of this works itself out soon.

Friday!
Friday, January 17, 2003 09:32 a.m.

Work is work.

Went shopping with Doris lastnight... no one bought a thing. Heh. Ran into Denise! Funny... by Grand Central...she's supposed to call me later and let me know about our movie plans. Hmmm...

Lucia is coming into NY today. Dinner tonight. Not expecting much besides some good wine and a nice steak.

Sue sounded really surprised when I called last night? Wonder what's going on...hmmm.

Long weekend....wooo... TGIF.

Change in plans...
Thursday, January 16, 2003 09:27 a.m.

Work...ack...charts.

Went to the gym pretty hard again... tired. Came home and cleaned up.

Looks like I'm meeting Lucia tomorrow night. Her friend's stepdad passed away...so she needs to reshuffle her NYC schedule.. if anything, it would have been betterfor me on Saturday...but...such is life.

Nina busted her ankle... she's got bandages and a cane now. Snowboarding messes ya up!

Sue has been going through some messy family stuff...I'm a little worried...but I hope she'll be ok. If anything, I'm going to be here for her...it's hard because we have such a messy history...but when it counts. Yeah...I'll be around.

They are filming "Third Watch" across the street from my apartment...they are supposed to blow up some building....eeek.

Urrrgh....cold. It's in the 'teens.

eh...it's what it is
Wednesday, January 15, 2003 09:30 a.m.

Not much going on besides a sleeeeeeew of workies.

Christine bought me a salad...I like the new C.

Lucia finally got stuffies. Cooky.

Went to Paragon with Doris...helped her pick out a ski coat...in kid's size! Heh.

Tooth doesn't hurt much anymore... weird thing is Sue went to the dentist ....and had tooth problems too! It's cosmic!

She's actually going through a lot at home...school stuff, stuff with her Mom...maybe our timing will always be wrong. But are we really in each other's lives for good? Is there ever an answer to that question? Wait and see...I'm supposed to be patient...and I have been...but will I always be?

BORK... more charts and jammies. Must go to gym tonight.

YES..love the 'net.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003 12:54 a.m.

WHeeee....loads of work...no web access until now...so got a lot done...

Last night...met up with Denise...we had Thai... she got a job...she asked me to see a movie sometime soon. She's cute, smart, funny... Goodness...what am I doing ? She's Peruvian too...do I have a thing for Peruvians now????

Wendy was chatting up a storm last night...urrrgh. She got an apartment in Union Sq. man... I need to get out of Queens.

Sue...she said she gave a special offering at church for me. Which is really sweet...and we talked and agreed on certain things. Nothing is real until we see each other. Which makes complete sense and is only fair. But when?

Lucia...should have gotten stuffies. Hmmm.

Gym tonight. My tooth hurts and I have no dental coverage...ack.

weekend...
Monday, January 13, 2003 09:36 a.m.

Friday: Went to the gym...came home... that's about it.

Saturday...did my little driving thing...more gym... feeling a little ill. Ate like a monster...but was sick... eh. Serves me right. Headache-y...

Sunday... cleaned up... waited around... Henny called. Met up with her UES ...apartment looks nice. Helped her find her phone thingeee...and met up with Tom for dinner in CHinatown. Henny is sooo cute...for aN AUSTRALIAN. Tooo friendly for this town...and she's the touchy feely type. She'll learn the ropes soon enough. Had some Theraflu...and passed out... seriously... BAM.

Lucia should be getting stuff sooon...hehehhe.

Sue... urrrgh. What does she want? Wants me to fly down to go to wedding with her ? Hmmm... we'll have to see.

Urrrgh...still headachey...must get better.

Monday? Crap...it's only Monday.

oh boy...work sucks.
Friday, January 10, 2003 09:23 a.m.

Ok...so I'm in charge of doing allllll the interleaves for Gr. 9-12...this means 30 some odd Scope and Sequence jammies that are a huge marketing sell...and that teacher's demand...and with a grade per week...it's abit overwhelming...

After work... went to get Nicole some tealights for her "suprise" bday plans for her guy Wei...she's doing the whole "candles leading to the bedroom" thing...what a tramp! hehehehhehe... have to call her and see how things went.

Sue... we talked last night and worked some stuff out. She's taking things pretty seriously...which is good...but also kind of scary. But the whole ..."I'm free to do whatever until we see each other and figure things out" thing is kind of cool. And honestly...I'm not banking on anything, with anyone...I'm free to live my life according to what I believe in and waht I want...now...exactly what that is...I still need to figure out.

7 days and counting...Lucia and "DIVAstation"...wooot.

TGIF...I said it. And I mean it.

Urrrrrrggggh...
Thursday, January 9, 2003 09:16 a.m.

Things at work are still hectic...it's just going to be like this.

It's cute watching Christine gush about her man...haven't ever seen her this way. I really hope things work out for her.

Eunice told me that she was tempted to throw away her encyclopedias...but...she had named all the cats and dogs in them...that's right... under the pics in the encyclopedia...she gave the animals names... HAHHAHAHHA. too cute.

Lucia has "beans." Nuff said.

Had coffee with Wendy and her friend Shary...trying to help her find a job in publishing...things just look bleak all around. Wendy is looking into classes at SVA.

Nicole is all stressed because of the situation with her man...and her friend that's been persistently after her...he feels hurt and betrayed...but she never liked him that way from the start... hmmm. hard to give any advice.

My own little soap opera with Sue continues. I'm beginning to think we shouldn't talk anymore. It's not good for either of us...since we don't have any clue what we want or what to do about it. She's more confused than I am...and I have to keep living my life...with or without her in it. SIlly girl. Don't say shiznat you don't mean....and don't judge me lest ye be judged. Old patterns are easy to fall into ...and at the same time...the roles have been reversed. I think we are beginning to resent each other. And we have no right toi. The past comes up and bites you in the arse. It just sucks.

I think everyone should just leave me alone.

EVENTFUL...but perturbed.
Wednesday, January 8, 2003 09:28 a.m.

Oh boy...what a day... How to recount...

Company is announcing more layoffs at the end of the month. Supposedly...I am safe....but who can be sure? I'll find out on the 27th.

Went to J.Crew and exchanged my ratty old peacoat for a new one! FOR FREEEE.. It was "defective" therefore I got the switcheroo...

FIrst girl that contacted me online...is back in NY and she wants to have brunch ? She says she is still "intrigued"...but um... a little too late. I'm sort of occupied now.

Wendy wants me to meet her friend today...to help her find a job... so.. yeah.

Denise wants to take me out to dinner next Monday ? ACK...

Henny is in from Australia this weekend...gonna grab Tom and try to hang out Sunday...

Interesting...some "alfieralfie" person IMed me saying : "Forget the ex, move on, stop worrying about weight, be a man goddamit." Um...ok. Good advice. But who are you? You obviously read my blog...but how did you get my IM screenname? Apparently, knows me or knows someone that knows me... hmmm...thanks.

Lucia... was criticized for her headshots? PUHLEEEZ... she looks gorgeous in them. What an idiot. That was just rude.

She says she "hates me a mucho a lot." Heh...beans. It's better if you don't know, isn't it ?

Sue....still unsure...

passed out last night...watching more Mr. Show...after another 2hours at the gym...I'm wiped out.

Lots of work...and stresss.... eeeeeeeeee.

Mallrats!
Tuesday, January 7, 2003 09:33 a.m.

Man...getting a beat down at work. Scope and Sequence...3 charts to go... got 4 done yesterday...woooo.

Got my "pro-rated" 3.5% raise yesterday...which means it really is a 2.03 raise or something like that....in any case...it will be like 50 bucks more a month...bleh...better than nothing.

hit the gym hard again...man... I'm working hard at this...but I hope the results pan out...4 hard workouts and I think I look and feel better...who knows.

Lucia has been back at FSU but she's been sick. Wish I could teleport her some chicken noodle...but SOMEONE refuses to divulge the secrets of teleportation to me...sheeesh. Share and share alike, I always say.

I love Kevin Smith...watched Mallrats (his weakest film) last night...and still liked it a lot... passed out soon after.

Can't stop singing "Jenny from the Block"...dangnab J. LO.

Shelb and Elaine went out to the movies last night...very curious as to see what happened...heh.

eeeeeeeIKEA!
Monday, January 6, 2003 09:30 a.m.

Sunday... got up a little later than expected. Mom woke me up and I walked over and got a ride in the new Odyssey...wheeee...new car smell and all.

Drove to Ikea, had a snack ...and picked up my lovely new couch and DVD shelf... I was joyous.

FInally got rid of the ugly old thing...sequestered it to the back of the TV...so the living room is quite lovely now. Just have to get people over to see it...or a person...hmmm...

Didn't do much besides cleaning up and shifting things around. Need to pull down the anime thingees and make it a little classier in Abe's Den O' Magic (cue "jazz hands)...

Lucia safely arrived in Tally.. she sounded sleepy. But I guess she's glad to be back in the routine. All I have to say is...goodness... NUMBER 3 ! Yowza.

And the ongoing saga with Sue... more talking, more giggling, more questions. I've definitely become more like her and vice versa. Not going to know anything...until we see each other. Which is still being decided.

And Wendy emailed me saying she is "preparing herself to be under my command" since I've been helping her out so much in finding a job. Heh...silly girl. Don't say things like that to the Abe!....

In any case...I'm a little overwhelmed by all this. I'm just trying to make myself the best I can be...which means writing, gym-ing, and keeping my head and heart on straight.

I'm constantly evolving...and I cherish the fact that the person I am is still intact. I care, I try to be patient, gracious, and generous. Help me.

party...and more.
Saturday, January 4, 2003 07:27 p.m.

Friday: Stayed at work until almost 6... cause I came in late.

Made my way into Brooklyn to Elaine's house. Goodness... she has such an amazing place. Her Mom is hilarious..wanted me to get drunk and stay the night. Ended up being 50 some odd people... Shelb actually made it out too. He got drunk and chewed me out for my stupidity concerning certain people. ANyways... got happily drunk and ate. Denise is...whooo...she's grown up.But she's still only 19! Goodness. Lots of random folks...mostly Wellesley girls and Denise's little friends. It was fun...I was a little woozy...so left early.

Shelb and Jack went off bar hopping. And I wanted to sleeeeeep cause was in drunkmonkey mode. Justwanted to watch Mr. SHow and drift off...

then Sue.. called... we ended up talking until like 3 AM...and I really don't know what to think. What she says sounds...really good. And it's almost as if she is willing to beg for us to try again. But time, place, emotional stability...these are things that worry me. An whether or not it's a good idea to be involved again. I'm torn... part of me is screaming that this was exactly what've been praying for for years...and then there is the part of me that is so terrified of risking anything for anyone. So...I don't know what is what yet. And I'm in NY and she is in NC... so what do we do?

All I know is that I don't know much.

Oh...folks got thenew car last night. So... the Acura will be all mine...yuck. That car is 13 years old and has been through a grinder. It's horrendous. But I'm poor. And it's better than nothing. Just need the license first...January 27th ! WOOOOT.

On a lighter note...Lucia got her headshots done. Am excited to see her in her "superstar" mode. Young, talented, beautiful, smart...she sounds like me! hahahhaha! In any case...she is headed back to FSU soooooon...and before you know it... in NYC. HUZZZAH to the HUZZZAH!

Saturday: Wok up ...hungover... woke up late too. Sue called me like at 8:30...I have no idea why she was up so early...since she sounded drunk as I was... anyways...

Went for my refresher course. I need to parallel park better. I'm surprisingly still rather good at driving considering I haven't gotten behind the wheel in two years. Eh... must learn to park.

Off to gym for another 2 hour crazy burn. Dang. I won't lie and say I'm doing this for myself. My poor pecs...the ACHE! And goodness... the abs... must keep at it. Heh.

Gap..ack...bought underwear.

Home...the guys wanted to go out. But I'm sore and tired and just want to watch sketch comedy. Blarrrrgh. Enough excitement. I just want a hug.

Quote of the day: "You shit in my mouth and you want to call it a sundae!"

from Mr. Show with Bob and David. Love it. Need it.

oh boy...
Friday, January 3, 2003 10:31 a.m.

First day back at work...busy as allgetout...whoooo.

Went to the gym right after...got there around 5:45...didn't leave until almost 8... I actually don't feel all that bad... did 2 30 min. rounds of cardio and lifted...oh boy... a lot. I am the master of the decline bench!

Lucia wrote a poem... a lot of good stuff in there already. She has so much potential to be a really good writer. She floors me with her talent and attention to detail. I'm such a sucker for good imagery. Snapshots. Moments. With a little encouragement and shaping...whooo...look out.

Was exhausted... was going to go to bed early...but Sue called. And we talked...really talked. Things look good. It's too early to say what is going to happen. But I think we both are arriving at some common epiphany. But maybe timing and location are just wrong... so..living life as it comes. But what happens when we see each other next... that's going to be it. It's too early to say too much...but it's funny how everything comes full circle and we end up back where we started....but playing opposite roles. She doesn't have to say it. I think I know. ...and in the end.... the words escape and we are just left with the truth.

Got in a whole hour late today. But sped through work...

Checked voice mail...she called. Heh.

New Year... wooo.
Thursday, January 2, 2003 08:14 a.m.

Didn't do much for the rest of the day... cleaned up...tried to clear my head. Headed home for dinner.

Lucia is definitely coming to NY. In two weeks. We'll see what happens. Though... I can't really tell, I'm sure we are friends to say the least. She's feeling a bit down lately. I hope the world treats her kindly in the coming year.

Sue...not sure what she is thinking or what she wants of me at this point. Again, the circle comes back around. Why are we so foolish? It's just innate. We don't learn and we go stumbling through the darkness again.

Back at work...no one seems to be in yet. So I'll start off with a few New Year's resolutions/absolutions:

1. Date more. Hurt less.

2. Get on with the novel.

3. Keep gym-ing. Get excellent.

Starting off with three...see what else I can come up with.

Did I lose my Metrocard? Crap...this is going to bug me all day.

Three hours of sleep...not good... running on fumes. Blaaargh.