rain... arrrgh.
Friday, September 27, 2002 09:24 a.m.

it's still riany and gloomy...doesn't put me in the best of moods.... speaking of which...less moody now...but kind of numb...not feeling much these days...is that normal? I think I need a hug...and soon.

Didn't do much yesterday... just worked... checked out some sneakers which I know I shouldn't buy...and then that was about it.

Went home... watched Friends...cleaned up. Bored.

Lord, help me...I need somehting good in my life...or I need to be someone good... help me to help others or help someone to be good to me... AIIIIIEEEEE..I don;t know what I need. All I know is that I am in need of being ok with the world and my place in it.

TGIF...checking out church small group with my new friend Nicole. She's ubercool.

meetings and such...
Thursday, September 26, 2002 11:45 a.m.

All these meetings at work...and training...urrgh...how are we supposed to get any actual work done if we are trapped in a room most of the time ?!?!

Not much... went to the gym...RAN...now my feet hurt. that's pretty much it.

Went home for dinner with Mom and Justin... Justin had this weirdcute little pantomine thing he did for Blade... I was like..."what's on TV tonight" ...*Justin does swordfightfangs pantomime thingeee... "uh... what is that ??"...it's BLADE... hahhaha

Rearranged my DVD collection. I'm bored and lonely. And it is raining now. Suckfest continues.

dinner with the gals...
Wednesday, September 25, 2002 11:26 a.m.

Work is work...but actually went to Discorama and got more anime with Christine. Arrrgh... I dunno. I need to stop. But it makes me feel better...so ... for now let me splurge a little bit.

Went to Flor De Mayo with Christine and Susan for dinner...food was ok... but the upper west side...I love it...I wish I could live there... had desert at Cafe Lalo...the place where they shot "You've Got Mail"... a movie that I actually love...I am a sap...wait...didn;t the hopeless romantic in me die ? Yes...dead. Ugh.

headed home... kick ass Buffy season premiere... oooh...can't wait for more.

Talked to Romana a bit...she's doing ok... busy with class and work.

Jennie e-mailed me... she went to some crazy party...all blingbling and flossin' the platinum!!! Check out pic 24 !! http://www.thecrusade.net/gallery/

Eh... e-mail is my friend.

Monday...urrgh.
Tuesday, September 24, 2002 09:18 a.m.

Yeah...it was another Monday of meetings and work. Little to talk about.

Bought a few DVDs from Blockbuster's buy 2 get 1 free deal... went to the gym and home.

Not much to report... watched TV... ripped some CDs to mp3...called Roseann. That's about it.

Didn't sleep well again... I need this to stop. Please pray for me. I need to rest...I need to forgive and I need to be forgiven. It's still so hard. When does this get easier ?

another weekend...
Monday, September 23, 2002 09:34 a.m.

Where to start... Friday ... after work I met up with Yvette and we had a couple of drinks and headed out to see the Doves...the odd thing is... she wanted to buy this baby doll. And she actually did. I have no idea why...it was very odd.

The opening band: My Morning Jacket... roots rock from Kentucky? Um... not bad...but they didn't really fit the bill. The Doves were amazing...inspired performance with visuals... They played my faves: satellites, rise, caught by the river, words... really rocked. When they played seasong...they ahd this surfer movie with Jan Michael Vincent in it?!??! It was odd...but I recognized that guy from Airwolf...and the weirdest thing was... I was reading ESPN the magazine and some football guy mentioned that movie ! WEIRD!

Saturday... worked out , laundry...talked to Jen for a bit...we were supposed to meet at Gary and Lisa's engagement party...but she ended up being a no-show...arrrgh!!! Long story...but the engagement party was pretty cool...lots of old faces, Z, John, Johnny Wu, Alvin, Christina, Jimmy, Kenny, etc... real blast from the past... everyone seemed the same...a little older but basically...the same personality wise and all. Maybe I've changed more... I dunno. In any case...we all had a greta time and Gary and Lisa seemed really happy to have us all there.

SUnday.. Redeemer... ran into Arnold Ng. We had lunch with Shao Fei and his new girl Betty. Tim Keller was great as usual... mor eon Exodus... the disintegration in our lives when we disobey God...it's because it follows the natural order... an unmaking of Genesis... things crumble to chaos. Good message.

Got Brother of the Wolf...Canadian 3 Disc release...wooo... and then went home to watch the Sopranos and the Emmmys with my folks.

I'm sick of being lonely. I need to be ok by myself. I need to be doing something productive and healthy. Time heals all wounds, doesn't it ?

Date-o ?!?!
Friday, September 20, 2002 12:21 a.m.

Yeah...more work...more papers...yucko.

Met Christin for our "date" last night...I thought it would be funny and cheezy if I bought her a rose... she looked lovely in her glasses, infected eye, and new hair cut. The poor rose... was mangled throughout the night... twisted, bent, broken, LIKE OUR LOVE...hahahhaha...We ended up getting Shanghai food which was ok...not great and a box of cakes from TaiPan and Saint's Alp stuff...it was fun...we talked like the bitter people we are trying hard not to become...and lamented the fact that we are too good too be treated thusly... I think I'm actually doing a little better... but Christin...she needs some tiem to sort stuff out.

I think everyone would freak if we ever ended up dating...which is an unlikely possibility...but hey...the future is uncertain.

Weird thing... ran into Mary Park on Canal...just when I was thinking that NYC is so huge...and what are the chances of running into anyone I know... weird.. anyways....

E-mail...what would I do without it ? I'm such a junkie. It's nice having people I can "talk" to... and just spill.. it's a good thing...human communication. I need it.

Well.. it's done. I'm trying to make sense of it all. Writing helps take away the hurt...but it's still dull and throbbing and I'll never be the same.

Sue e-mailed me...some bad stuff went down at home...still waiting for details. Hope she is ok. It's weird talking to her again... vicious cycles! Need to break free !

Doves tonight with Yvette... wheeee!!! TGIF !!!

family stuff...
Thursday, September 19, 2002 09:21 a.m.

Yes...more work... same stuff.

Stopped by Yvette's to say hi... been walking alot after work since I can't get to the gym..then Went to Midtown Comics and got some manga... it's weird since that whole lovetrianglemurder thing took place right around there... eerie and sad.

Off to Flushing to meet with the family for dinner... man... got into a discussion with Nina... I'm the outcast...not the other way around...I try to get along with other people... but my interests and personality ...just don;t click with some people. It's just the way it is. I've tried for years...and I've come to accept the fact that I am different.

Anyways... I can't bear to go to Flushing.. I want to stay as far away as possible. It's going to take time and healing.

Thursday... lunch with Jenny D? Have a "date" with Christin... man, maybe we should just get married and forget about all this other crap !!!! ARRRRRGH.

Justin's Birthday...
Wednesday, September 18, 2002 09:19 a.m.

It was an odd day... after a day of work and meetings...I decided to walk alll the way up to 53rd and meet Gary. He was donating blood...I ... I can barely stand the sight of blood without getting queasy...let's just say that a childhood of nosebleeds (hemmoraging...more likely) has given me an aversion to the red stuff. In any case, it was odd seeing him on a recliner and filling a pint bag.

Went home for Justin's bday and had the traditional noodles thing. I can't believe that my baby is already 12 and in junior high! Well, I still see him as a baby...but as each year goes by...I'm waiting for his voice to crack and the pimples to appear...

Not much else...I'm an e-mail junkie now. Human contact is good...even if it's only electronically. More on this later.

Can I keep this busy? When do I burn out? When I start feeling like myself again...I suppose... give me time. Pray for me.

Monday...suckfest !
Tuesday, September 17, 2002 10:01 a.m.

yesterday...just sucked... barely got any real e-mail... barely got any junkmail...it was just a crappy day in general.

But I am startin to realize...I need to open my eyes and look around at other people...and not be so wrapped up in my own misery/stagnation... if I can help other people with their problems... my own problems will take a backseat and start to fade.

I want to believe I am a good guy... that I have a heart capable of immense love...but even if it's been broken... I need to heal and be healed... what use am I if I'm busy shoegazing and dwelling in the past?

Moving forward...being hopeful... being a blessing.

Pray for Doris and her dad...pray for Irene, pray for Gary and Lisa, Jamie and Lester..... all the weddings coming up.

I need to see the "burning bush" in my life. What uncommon thing is just blazing away and I'm not taking notice? Open my eyes...there is so much out there. ...and I am full of potential.

It's Justin's 12th birthday today! Not a baby anymore... sniff. More on this tomorrow.

weekend...
Monday, September 16, 2002 09:11 a.m.

So...Friday... didn't go to Redeemer small group after all. Irene couldn't make it and I was too chicken to go by myself...so I ended up having dinner and drinks with Elaine and her friend Evelyn on the L.E.S.... turns out Evelyn went to PS131 and Ryan JHS. So we knew a lot of people from waaaay back in the day....another one of thos..."small world" moments. Elaine is awful busy helping out at some UN convention type-thing...gives her something interesting to do.

Saturday... The "Spirited Away" screening at my place... I spent the whole day getting food prepared...and people didn't show up until like... after 630! In any case, I made a ton of food... about 15 people showed up.. Angela, SangHee, Maria, Chris, Nina, AmyJean, Roseann, Howie, Gary, Aaron, Shelby, Mariela...and Gareth! It was just about the right amount of people. Everyone seemed to like the movie...but I was wiped out and people left early so I didn't get a chance to really talk to anyone... oh well.. it was fun though.

Sunday...went to Redeemer and my "aunt" ended up going too...the baby and some of her friends were there... I totally forgot that she used to go to Redeemer...Tim Keller is back! A little skinnier...but he seems like he is in good health. Preaching from Exodus... open eyes to see things that are extraordinary...being aware of the spiritual reality of things. Anyways...ran into Irene and Big Dave from Philly...but ended up getting CDs at St. Marks and going home afterwards. Alex, Uncle Alan, and my aunt were at my place, LuLu came by too...so we just watched TV until my other aunt (Flora) and the new baby came by afterwards... then SOPRANOS...wheeee. Talked to Amy and Romana for a bit too.

My folks and Justin took my grandma back to Canada....had a little car trouble but they are there and heading back today.

Is life getting back to normal? I'm not sure...something is missing...but I don't know what I want or need right now. Lord, help me.

back to normal...
Friday, September 13, 2002 09:26 a.m.

work is still the same old stuff... kinda frustrating. But meetings make the day go faster, I suppose.

Had dinner with Lynn. It's been awhile since I've seen her...she's been in the UK and in China for awhile now, She seems the same... turned 21 and finishing up school. I always thought she was older...worrying about the future and all. But she has a bright future, she's a good girl and awfulyl sweet. We had Italian and went to Starbucks after.

Went home to say bye to Grandma before she takes off for Toronto. She loves it there...lots of activities.

Talked to Sabrina for the first time in ages! I thought it was her bday...but it's a week from now ! Oh well...it was good to catch up a little bit.

Had a really rough night... couldn't sleep...the same old thoughts came back to plague me. I'm not sure how to deal anymore. I hope I cna get back to being me again...but it seems so hard. My life has changed...and I feel like I've been put through some harsh machine. I don't know about anything anymore. Lord, help me.

Looks like it will be a small turn out for my little soiree on Saturday...but at least there are people coming! Even if it's like 5 people...I'll be happy. All that food! And Spirited Away! anyways... it will be cool to have people around.

TGIF...things can only get better, right ?

what can you say...
Thursday, September 12, 2002 09:09 a.m.

The night before...took Grandma and the family out to East Buffet. Once a year is fine... ate way too much...but it's the first time I've eaten like that in a long time...

The 11th... a year really is nothing. It's still fresh...and it was an odd day of trying not to watch TV...but feeling compelled to. I tried cleaning up around the house and going to the gym...but it's something that will be a part of our lives forever.

But life goes on... family came over to meet my "granduncle's daughter's son" ...so I guess she isn't my second cousin? In any case...he was adorable...and as I am excellent with babies...I held him for quite a bit... life in the midst of a year of fear and destruction...we are alive...and we continue.

That's another thing. I am alive, I am capable of change. I can still experience heartbreak and healing. In the big picture...we get these moments and we deal,we mourn, we celebrate...but we keep going on. God is good. We can't expect the best RIGHT NOW...but in the end... it all works out in a story of redemption and love. I believe it.

So, another normal day ? Surprises? Who knows... we'll see.

what to do with my time...
Tuesday, September 10, 2002 09:18 a.m.

well... work is work... meetigns and such...come on new project!

Had lunch with Jen....she got the job at Macy's in LI...which is 5 mins. from her home...so she's happy. She thinks I should write up a "boyfriend profile" all the qualities I have that are worth promoting. You know...I might be lonely and broken hearted right now... and I'm not sure if I am ready for anything else...but I know that I'm at the point where I cannot be the "caregiver" anymore...and that I need to be taken care of...to some degree.

I miss being myself.

Went to the gym briefly and then off to Costco to buy some stuffies for my shindig on Saturday...which looks to be just me, myself, and I...why has no one replied yet ?!??! I'm freaking out...come on! Queens isn't so far !!!

Talked with Romana last night also... she had her first class at Seminary...and things look good for her...she's had the drastic change in her life to get her moving on. I think that's what I desperately need.

I feel like I've been turned inside out...I'm raw.

So when does the healing come?

we be church-in'....
Monday, September 9, 2002 09:19 a.m.

man...what a weekend... Friday was cool... had lunch with my former student, Deanna... who happens to work two buildings from me. Then after work... had a drink with Yvette and headed over to meet Irene for Redeemer small group. Pray for Irene and school...she needs some help...but I'm sure she will be fine. The small group on 24th and 3rd was pretty good. FInishing up a study on Christian communnity...sheep and goats... met this one girl, Nicole...she's from Singapore...still getting used to NY... we prayed for each other in small groups...it was good.

Saturday... tired...stayed up on Friday cleaning... so no gym this weekend. I went to see the kids go bowling...it was Patricia's eighth bday...so cute...but when we got there...they were eating and done with bowling. :( Went home...took a power nap...got up late and went to my uncle's for dinner with the family. Pretty low key.

Sunday...more church ! Went to LFCC with Gary and Lisa... and saw Grace...she's pretty durn big...three more weeks and Han is a proud papa! Didn't really get a chance to talk to Christin... headed out with Gary and Lisa to visit ANOTHER church...Agape something ...in Bayside... it was cool... Korean/Chinese congregation. Small though...and this kid Johnathan from CT goes there now. Had diner food with G and L and their frined Michelle. Then home for a bit... power nap. 15 mins! Then off to Costco with Mom...

But it was closed ! Crap...have to go back tonight to get party goods for Saturday. Oh well..

Talked with Amy... it's been such a long time...we really need to catch up. She's going to Beijing to visit her friend Lisa. A tour of the country ! AWESOME. Hope she has a good trip.

Talked with Romana a bit...she's back from vay-k. She wants to be a groomsmen when i get married...ok... well.. since that doesn't even seem like it is going to happen for a loooong time... I won't need to think about that.

More dreams...but it was about my family... my second cousin is supposed to be around...but haven't seen her and her new baby yet...so I had a dream that my family went to see her and the kid... weird... I seem to dream about stuff that I think about an hour or two before I fall asleep.

Am I getting better? I don't know...it's hour to hour... and all I know is that I'm waiting on God to bring healing... He knows what is best for me... despite the hurt. There is something good coming out of all of this.

Happy Birthday, Opher !!! I'll buy you a game soon.

ahhhh...Christin!
Friday, September 6, 2002 09:51 a.m.

Ok...seems like things at work are changing...the new project is underway...so, change is good. Hopefully, I won't be too stressed out.

What do you do when you think your friend's plans are unrealistic? Encourage them to try...even if all the odds are stacked against them? I guess that's really the only way...

Wen tto AAWW again...hopefully I can get that teaching position for December. I'd really like to get plugged into the lit scene again. I'm going to be sending out submissions ...hardcore. Entering contests when I can and all that.

Met up with Christin for dinner at Cocina Cuzco. My goodness ! Her hair is sooooo long now...and she lost some weight. She looks pretty darn good. We are both going through somewhat similar situations...but she is more hopeful than I am. We've decided... if things don't work out....Christin and I shall be wed ! Well... in 4 years...hey... there is always Vegas.

Gonna check out Redeemer small group tonight. Hope it's good. I need to meet new people. ...and have some "fellowship"...however you define that. Pray... we all need it.

ugh...headachey. Still not sleeping all that well. When does this get better?

GYM...more dreams?
Thursday, September 5, 2002 09:26 a.m.

Work is...full of meetings.

Been writing a lot of poetry lately...it's good to get it out...but it brings up so many emotions...I'm not sure I am ready yet...but when the muse calls...I have to answer.

GYM... yay. runrunrun.

KELLY CLARKSON !!!! America has chosen correctly.

Talked with Christin a bit... I'm glad we can both still joke around even though it's been awhile. We've been through so much together throughout the years, but deep down...we're still the same as we were freshmen year... goofy... and she's still full of gas! HAHHAHAH. Dinner tonight will be good. No beans !

Dreams...I miss waking up to the alarm... what is up with all the dreaming? At least this one was...um...normal. Anime karaoke? Ok...I'll take that over heartbreak and waking up sobbing any day!

OY...more meetings...but hey...it's Thursday already!

urrgh...let me sleep !
Wednesday, September 4, 2002 09:11 a.m.

Work is... you know... so I'm sludging through ...hoping things will make sense as our next big project gets more clarified.

Had drinks and dinner with Elaine...she's so funny...she 's traveled the world and it continues! She's going to stay in the US this time...but she'll be getting on the job search thing soon. She hates poor spelling and likes to walk on the left. These are things you should know about her.

Christin is in NYC now ! We talked for a bit and it seems like she's matured a lot...but things could always be better. Down turns are just that...down. But it's good to have someone that's known me for so long...and so well in the same city...for a little while at least.

Dreams. I've been having way too many dreams lately... this one was about someone from the past...I thought I had all the closure I needed...and the fact that she is doing well in Boston helps...but maybe there is stills tuff that needs to be resolved? Or maybe I shouldn't work out so late and eat crap! Who knows... all I can make sense of is... I need someone to take care of me. I'm tired of doing the "lone wolf" thing. Lord, please help me through this!

I hope I can get out to the gym tonight. I need to run.

hanging out....what a weekend!
Tuesday, September 3, 2002 09:17 a.m.

oy...where to start... we got out of work at 3... so I hung out with Yvette after work and just checked out her reel that she has been working on for CG stuff. Her sister Annabell came over and we got drinks...it was a very chill start to the weekend. I went home for dinner and picked up Justin...he slept over so we could head out to AXNY bright and early.

AXNY was pretty chaotic... we got there early and there was no line for registration for the day. We saw the opening ceremonies and waited for hours for the Bebop panel. My friend Kate brought her friends Aileen, Grace, and Sharon... I had no idea that they would be so into the dealer's room! In any case...met some guys...Ed and Steve that did AMVs. They were pretty friendly and we ran into them throughout the day.

The Bebop panel was worth the wait. I met Reikun for like 2 secs...he was sitting in back of me typing up a storm for AOD. (Check the site out for his report!) It was cool to hear Kawamoto and Watanabe talk about Bebop...but it was all abotu Yoko Kanno! She is so quirky and cute! She is totally Ed! I got to shake her hand too !!! Bliss.

The dealer's room was packed and the wait was....ugh. I ended up getting loads of free stuff. And bought 3 DVDs...including Spirited Away (the red tint wasn't so bad !) I may have an R2 party at my place and screen Spirited Away "the way it is meant to be seen!" for whomever. We hung out for a bit...and ended up getting BK...then came back fro AMVs,....which were sucky. The girls left early and me and Justin had a good time. He wants to go to more cons ! I don't know if I do ! HAHAHA!

We got back around 11ish...and I had to get ready for Philly. My folks picked him up and I collapsed. Sunday morning. I got all packed up and ready to go. I met up with C at her church...things are definitely different there compared to Redeemer, Small and homey... it was a good service and they had free food for one of the pastor's bday. We took off for Fort Lee and picked up Jane and a cake for Romana and we were off to Philly. First time I met Jane...she seemed pretty cool. Lots of world travel and stuff. Now she is looking for a job...

ILLADELPHIA! We got there in a decent amount of time. Romana was happy that we could all make it...we just hung out and ate and a good 35 or more people actually ended up coming. It was pretty cool...but a lot of them were older. CHit chat and stuff. Sunny came and Jennie Choe and her brother also... we all ended up playing Pictionary for awhile. I did pretty dang well for a first timer!

After the crowds disperesed...Romana, C, Jennie, Jane, Sunny, and Dave and "Dave" went out to the city to get our party on! We ended up at this hip-hop joint called Moda (or was it Loda?) and had some drinks and danced. Lots of large African American ladies were dancing up on me... I guess that's a compliment? It was fun to get out and to see the gals move ...hahahha!

I ended up crashing at "Dave's" place... he showed me this big Gudam thing he bought! And just passed out. It was interesting.

Monday morning, C, Jane, and Ro picked me up (while D slept) and we went to brunch with Tina and two of her friends. Service was phenomally slow...but it was brunch for Ro's bday. We ended up having to go back because Jane left her phone :(

We chilled out and headed to Jennie's MANSION...whew,,,and met her sister ! ... we watched old tennis matches on TV and waited for Sunny to get aorund to haver dinner. I actually got to know Jennie pretty welll and we got a long a lot better than I thought we would. She's basically on the verge of marriage and had a lot on her mind... but we have a lot in common and it was easy to talk to her.

Dinner at Macaroni Grill...and off to NY ...whew... it was a long drive... but we got back in one piece thanks to C's Volvo. Our love-hate relationship has just gotten more mature, I guess. In any case...made some new friends and being distracted has been good.

Romana is loved and doing well. We don't need no stinkin' drama!

Me, I don't want any more drama (yeah, Mary J. you tell them...) but I still feel this void...when you miss someone and something...this deeply...it just doesn't fade. I don't know when this will change...all I know is that life goes on and the emptiness gets filled. Lord, help me. I need to feel whole again.

Whew... need to get some work done. This has been too much. Work...hear we go.

scary dream! but what is it about ?
Friday, August 30, 2002 09:12 a.m.

uuurggggh. I had one of those dreams where it totally freaks you out...but then when you think about it...it's like huh ? And I know exactly where it came from ! I was watching Vandread late last ight...and then I had a dream that some country in the Middle East was building this supercomplex that had a centrifugal roof (I guess it's some sort of shield thing) that was made of pure BLACK CRYSTAL! And I don;t know whay that scared me...but it did. In any case...some chopper cam and reporter was relaying all of this in my dream...and they made it sound scary....weird, no? Ok...I'll shut up now.

Good news ! My friend Angela got a teaching job at the job fair she went to yesterday! She'll be teaching 6th grade Math in LIC...but she wanted to teach elementary school. In any case... she came over last night to pick up some DVDs for the weekend...it was good seeing her after so long. And she's employed ! CONGRATS! OMEDETO!

And I finally talked to Gary about how the engagement went down. It was pretty smooth...he pulled the here's an-anklet-but-I've-really-got-a-ring-in-my-other-pocket move. Hey, it worked. So, the planning begins! CONGRATS !!!

After work I trekked over to AAWW...while they were in the middle of some NYU freshman welcome thing...they ended up introducing me just as I got out of the elevator. AHHAHAHAH little do they know that I am always ready to spew...so I gave the freshpeople a few words of advice and encouragement to do well. Hopefully, I will be teaching a course at AAWW come November...it will be great to teach again...and I neeeeeeed to get back to writing.....but it will all be about the same thing, I bet... :(

Dinner at Congee Village with the folks. Justin got into HONORS at Ryan JH !!! wooo... I was worried... But he needs to study... A LOT more than he has been.

Ok...so it seems like loads of people are having good things happen to them...so I believe I am next. Come on. God loves me.

Friends fighting is not good. Get along can we all? Yoda has spoken !

AXNY tomorrow !

OOOH..controversy...going away for the weekend with Christine...bwahhahahah ok...not really. We are going to see Romana's new digs in Philly and celebrate her bday. I need to get away. Badly.

Am I gonna see Elaine tonight? Where is she ?

Whew...long entry... TGIF. LONG WEEKEND. Getting out at 3 ... what could be better ! yeah yeah....I know.

writing again.
Thursday, August 29, 2002 11:56 a.m.

Yesterday...had dinner at Chat n' Chew with Nina and Cheryl...it was fun and the waitress was super cute! Cheryl went to get some bleach for her hair...and I think Nina is gonna do it for her today. Took Nina out for ices...and then went home and watched Excel Saga and American Idol. Go Kelly !!!

Pretty much it... work is work.. AXNY and Philly are the only things on the agenda.

I kept waking up in the middle of the night...with lines of poetry in my head. So, at my all morning meeting...I scribbbled down what I remembered and actually started working on 4-5 poems. I need to get more stuff published...I want to have my total be...about 10 publications by the end of the year...so right now...I'm about half way.

Writing is my therapy...just a lot of stuff to work out. And a lot I want to say. It's the only way I can cope with all the hurt, I suppose. Something good will come out of all of this.

So...it's raining and it makes me sad and nostalgic... No plans for tonight...but I need something to do...anything.

gym...etc...
Wednesday, August 28, 2002 09:26 a.m.

yes...it was a Tuesday... work work.

Ended up meeting Doris after work and we took the train home. Please pray for her father...he's very ill. And Doris is trying to stay in good spirits...but she is tired. Everyone goes through crisis at some point in the year... whether it is big or small...it's something we deal with. Faith, hope, what we cling to. It puts it all into perspective.

GYM...not long...but much needed. I can turn the old gray matter off and just run and thrash out to KORN. Am I more hurt...or more angry ? I don't know.

So it looks like AXNY is a go. Justin willbe going...one of my coworkers will be going...but not C. She's playing golf. And other random assorted people... it will be interesting...but expensive !

...aaaaand. The cat is out of the bag...everyone already knew but Lisa. But Gary called from the airport and they are OFFICIALLY ENGAGED. Yup...two engagements this past week. I am happy for them...but can't help feeling more lonely and depressed now.

Ugh... take me away from all of this. I deserve to be loved ...properly. I'm worth it, dangnabbit.

whew... too crazy.
Tuesday, August 27, 2002 09:04 a.m.

Seemed like it was going to be an uneventful Monday...but it actually turned out to be pretty packed.

Had lunch with Jen Lee... she thinks I lost more weight. Good for me! She's still prowling for a new job. She went to martin's wedding! Wow.. Martin is married now ! I can't believe it...I'm starting to feel old.

AND.... KAORI IS ENGAGED. Her fiancee popped the question on her bday. WOOO...More weddings to save up for !

Work was work...but then I had dinner with Mary Tsai... she's growing up into a very levelheaded and motivated young woman. We had Cuban food and Italian ices and some good conversation. It's been a long time...and we've both grown up.

I finally got a chance to bring home our company product and showed my folks and my grandparents...the "fruit of my labor"...well the anthology that I appear in at least. It's weird thinking that teacher's will be instructing kids using my poetry. So there I am, between Dickinson and Frost somewhere.

The weather seems to have cooled down considerably...and I'm still in a weird state of mind... I'm hoping that there will be some sort of reconciliation or resolution in the coming days, weeks, months. These loose enda... why do I have so many of them? Does everybody? Is it better not to know? I'll take the truth over the hurt...but often...they come together. Delightful pair.

another weekend with the family...
Monday, August 26, 2002 09:21 a.m.

Friday night... after work... went out to Chinatown and actually got a really decent haircut! I think I will go down there from now on. Had Malaysian food with my folks and Justin and off to Lincoln Center. We went to see the Taiwan Youth Orchestra. They were excellent....some funky "neo-Asian" stuff and some western classics. Chopin makes me want to die. So sad...

Saturday...gym...and then cleaned up majorly...It's an ongoing project. Had brunch with grandma and Anyo Su...and dinner too. Rain...urrgh. Then Shelb came over for a bit.

Sunday... more family stuff... missed church. Brunch and Costco...then nap and dinner with the family again. Whew...

Now it's Monday...back to work. This week should pass by quick and then a packed weekend to follow.

Happy Birthday, Esther. I hope you are well.

so...is this the social elite?
Friday, August 23, 2002 09:17 a.m.

Work was work...nothing spectacular...except that Christine and I are going to start ebaying our brains out...starting small...selling my junk and she gets a cut because she will be posting the thingees. We'll see how this goes.

Went to dinner with Yvette. We went to Chat N' Chew which I've wanted to check out for awhile. It was nice and homey...food was pretty good. Yvette had some foot pain and had to buy flip-flops and band-aids cause her shoes were just not doing it. After dinner we wen to her sister's "selling" party....which was at her friends apartment on University Pl. It was kinda chi-chi/frou-frou because of the wine and cheese and the belts, jewelry, funky stuff they were selling. But the prices were cheap. I dunno..it's a girl thing...but lots of "fabulous" people ended up coming in to buy the wares and mingle. I felt a little awkward because I was in my punkrock gear (it was a casual type day) and some of the folks were pretty "trendy." Eh... we stayed for an hour or so and talked to a few folks and split to get some ice cream. It was very "NY"... but I think I will stick to what I know.

SO...i couldn't sleep because I had too much to drink. So I ended up starting this crazy drastic redecorating thing at my apartment. I was up for awhile and itchy because of the dust. Oh, well... it gives me something to do.

TGIF. I'm still waiting for somehting grand. I'm waiting to hear that things will be alright. I'm waiting for regeneration.

let me tell you how to get...
Thursday, August 22, 2002 09:07 a.m.

another day of work... yay. Ok...not really. I need a change in my life.

Talked to Angela Bai for a bit...she's still looking for a teaching job in NYC...anyone have any leads for her?

Met up with Frances for dinner. I have not seen her in years! It was good to catch up with her and learn about her exciting job as Creative Director for...Sesame Street ! She dealt some dish...it was quite funny. We ahd a nice dinner, stopped by Discorama and checked out her teeny tiny apartment that she shares with her cousin. She thinks her boyfriend might be gay. He works in the fashion industry...hahahhah. We also walked around the West Village a bit. It was nice because I never go that far west...it was a good opportunity to explore. She's a really nice person and a ton of fun. I'm glad we got in touch again.

Ran into Howie and Roseann...so they gave me a ride back to Queens! That's divine providence for you.

So, I actually got back home early...and jogged to my folks place... and walked back. A good way to clear the mind.

Tamyra got voted off American Idol ? WHAT A JOKE! I love Nikki and all..but Tamyra is way better! She'll get a record deal...no problem.

ELAINE ??? Is she back yet or what ?

My blog is nutty. I am not sane. I am UNSANE !

doing something...
Wednesday, August 21, 2002 09:19 a.m.

day to day...it's just something to do for now. I'm working... prospect of a new job? Who knows...

After work, I stopped by the Asian American Writer's Workshop and talked to a few people there...I'm hoping I get a chance to teach a seminar/course next year...it would be good to teach again and make a little extra cash on the side. And I'm finally getting the urge to get a chapbook done and out there. I'm hoping that I'll have a chance to hang out there a little more and just get my stuff bound and on the shelves already. I think it is about time....

Met up with Gary after work and we headed out to meet some folks for dinner at Jackson Hole... Aaron (back from Japan), Alla, Xavier, Steve, Alice, Lisa (of course), and....Mary. Mary is like 5 years younger than me and when I was in HS she would always write me letters and buy me these little HK knickknacks... so it was cute. It's weird to see her as a grown up "woman" now. Odd how that time thing works, isn't it ?

So, Gary and Lisa are packing up tonight and heading out to St. Thomas on Thurs. AM. It will be interesting to hear stories when they get back.

Elaine should be home today. She better call me. That punk.

Sue... long rambling message on my voice mail... it will be interesting to hear what she has to say...

"Sludgery" continues...it's a daily thing. I'm still keeping busy and trying to make heads and tails of things. DO I need the answers? Do I need closure? I'm not sure... it's this vicious cycle. The worst thing is not knowing and wallowing. I can't do that. I'm worth more than this.

the cruelty of time...
Tuesday, August 20, 2002 09:10 a.m.

Well...starting on our next big project at work...but it's in the prelim stages so it's all easy stuff for now. Not a big deal...but at least it's something new.

Had dinner with Georgene. ... we actually walked all the way to Union Square and Gramercy Park back to Ktown where she had her first real Korean meal at Han Bat. She's wondering if she should even pursue being a laywer anymore...she's got plenty of time to decide after she finishes law school. Talked a little...it was good. Went up to the roof of her apartment building...great view...but I don't do well with heights! So a vodka tonic calmed me down...whew. I probably won't see her until next year. Hope she does well and decides where she wants to be.

The hurt doesn't go away. I'm still waiting for that "something good." I know God is faithful...I'm the one that needs faith. Please keep praying for me.

another weekend.
Monday, August 19, 2002 09:19 a.m.

Some mishaps...but it was an ok weeekend.

Was supposed to see Blue Crush with Eunice in Queens on Friday...but she got lost and ended up going home! So I had dinner with the kids at home.

Saturday was gym day...and it was good to run. Then had dinner with Roseann, Howie, Nina, Melanie, and my aunt at Uno's...it was waaay too much food and it was rainy.

Sunday... church. Was good...but I miss Tim Keller. Pray for his health. Then hung out with Grace Kim for probably the last time this year since she is going to HK ...today ! Yipes! In any case, it was good to see her and wish her well. I'm glad she had time to see me before she left. Afterwards, hung out with Monnette and her bfriend Brian and their friend JT. We actually walked across the Brooklyn Bridge...something that I have never done before. It was an experience. Haven't seen Monnette in years...so it was good to see her for a little bit.

A packed weekend...but still a load on my mind. I'm praying for reconcilliation and healing. Lord, help me.

surprises...
Friday, August 16, 2002 09:16 a.m.

Yup...working on the library still. Not getting the big project stuff until next week...what can you do?

Had dinner with Mariela last night. I missed her bday last week so I made up for it by taking her to Han Bat for some Korean food. She had loads of stories about Anime Expo and Otakon. I miss those otaku! But I think ...where I am right now...I'm just drifiting in a different direction and getting my priorities straightened out. So...I still love anime and stuff...but not as much as before. But it was definitely good to see Mariela... her family seems really interesting and I do believe that Gareth exists !

A really big surprise.... When I met Mariela at her office...I bumped into HEIDI KLUM filming outside! I did a double take and she just looked over. No one else seemed to notice...jaded NYers! And I was cool and didn't ask for an autograph...but I should have !!! Heidi frikkin' Klum !!! She is tall and gorgeous in real life...really!

Reconciliation has been on my mind lately. Things in the past seem to come around full circle. It may take years...but they do and it is a big surprise. I'm not sure what God's plans are...but I hope it is all for the better. Despite the mistakes we make along the way...second, third chances...they are a blessing.

Esther is taking her GREs tomorrow. She'll do well. I hope she is doing alright.

high school daze...
Thursday, August 15, 2002 09:01 a.m.

Work is...ugh... getting weird...this library thing is an odd assignment... but we are supposed to be getting something "real" very soon. I hope it is better and not worse than what I'm doing now.

Ran into Mariela at Cosmic Comics..."you are alive" she said...I've just been in a weird place, that's all. So we are having dinner/beverage tonight...I missed her bday last week...i felt bad.

Met up with gary and we headed over to the big HS get together. Kaori was back from her vacation allover...never got a chance to talk though... Jen came with Mike...who happens to have a lot in common with me... we both love Moz/Smiths and other stuff...cool to finally meet him. DIana was the same...married life hasn't changed her much... and Christine is offering me some sound financial advice... Gary and Lisa...yeah ...them two...still bickering but sweet. I miss that.

ACK...i don't know if I can stand to be away from my desk most of the day...it might be a little too hard to bear...but I don't think it will be too bad if I have company. Christine is supposed to be helping out...so can't be as bad as being all by my lonesome.

too hot to do anything.
Wednesday, August 14, 2002 09:10 a.m.

Work...new assignments...not happy. Will be away from my desk a lot...what am I going to do without AIM ???

Too hot to do anything...went out for a bit and actually ended up with a nose bleed ! Sheesh ! what the heck! And this weather is going to last all week again ?!?!? ACK.

So bought some groceries and had Nina come over to watch anime and American Idol... it's good having her back. She starts school in a couple of weeks and so does Chris...so I'll try to spend more time with them before they get too busy. They are good kids.

Goodness... been busy. But still the mind is still overworking. I think I'm so stressed out that I'm losing my hair...or maybe it's just that time. I don't know. I just hate feeling like this. Lord, help me. I need the clouds to part and something to let me know things will be ok.

Pray for me and mine. Thanks.

Road to Perdition.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002 09:00 a.m.

So...work was work...at least I'm not doing charts anymore and moving into the exciting world of proof reading and copy editing for a little while before the real mongo-project comes in. Oh well...

Had lunch with Jenny D...man...I haven't seent hat girl in ages. And let me tell you...she is GORGEOUS and is going to be a movie star. She was the nicest person in my MFA program and has been such a sweetheart to me all these years. She's just a lot of fun and super creative. I hope she lets me crash her hollywood parties. :)

After work... went to see Road to Perdition with Yvette. I felt bad ...sicne Yvette had seen it already...but we had half price tickets...and there was nothing else that was playing at a convenient time. So ...Paul Newman...wow...he's gonna get an Oscar for this. It was a good movie.. a little slow in parts ...but great classic drama reminiscent of some Lone Wolf and Cub stuff etc... but worth seeing.

Yvette has been going through some major crisises lately ...so I guess we both understand where we are...without saying too much.

I'm still the same... waiting for something great to happen. I have faith that it will. It can't always be like this. God has been faithful to me thus far...I just need to be patient and listen.

Help me to keep busy ! Call me ! Take me out ! I need to feel alive.

aiiiieeeee....
Monday, August 12, 2002 09:01 a.m.

Friday was good... went to a Redeemer Bible Study with Irene. It was by old Stuy ...so it was kind of far and out of the way. It was alright. I felt a little out of place with all the bankers, doctors and lawyers...so we might try visiting another small group. But they were all friendly and I am meeting some new people. Good start.

Saturday was with the family. It was Lu-Lu's bday so we went to Karaoke...it was weird...the whole family was there and my aunts and uncles were dancing and singing too. MY EYES! HAHAHAH it was fun. Thekids are all grwoing up too...wow.

Nina is home and she had a great experienmce doing Missionary work in Mexico. A lot of hard labor and major insight. Made me nostalgic for Paraguay.

Sunday... Church by myself... home for a little bit. Nap...and some moping around. I am still waiting for thunfer and lightning...or even a whisper. Something wonderful to happen to me again... I'm waiting Lord. I know somehting good is coming my way.

Ugh...it's Monday. Work.

busy bee...
Friday, August 9, 2002 09:07 a.m.

So after work I went to meet Gary so we could run some errands...actually ran into Kelvin on the train...he's a good kid...we talked for a bit...He let slip that my brother and my cousin Chris have BLOGS !!! I never knew about that ! I bet they are writing all sorts of mean things about me !!! That's why they never told me !!!! YOU GUYS!!! In any case...yeah...

Met up with Gary and we hit Modell's, Costco, Best Buy and did the whole exchange thing and buy stuff business... it was a crazy night of just getting things in order.

Going to check out a Redeemer Bible Study tonight with Irene...we both decided that we should get more plugged into the church we've been attending...it's hard since everything is in the city ...and after work...I just want to head back to Queens. but nowadays...meeting new people, being surrounded by positive encouragement is what I need. Lord knows, I need it.

Call me. Talk to me. Please.

TGIF !!! And the weekend approaches...and the cycle continues.

to every season...
Thursday, August 8, 2002 09:10 a.m.

Change... not much but gradual...like the weather...like my mood. Minute to minute...I'm realizing how volatile everything is. We keep the same routines and try to maintain some level of control...but in the end...It all gets flipped and twisted... everything is so uncertain. That's why faith is necessary...and hope. How can we survive a single day if we don't have any?

Had a bit of a philosophical chat with Jack P on IM yesterday...I think that has got me thinking...

More gym...and then dinner at Gary's place... finally saw Angela! It's been years...she's all grown up now...sniff... I remember when she was a baby...

Getting in touch with old friends... trying to keep busy... trying to what is right. Tryiong to figure out what I need to do to make myself the person I've always wanted to be. These things are priority now.

SIGNS...
Wednesday, August 7, 2002 09:10 a.m.

After a long day of work...went to see SIGNS with Yvette. It was good seeing her...I don;t think either of us are doing too well.. so we can commiserate. After all this time and all that we've been through...we manage to be good friends. I hope she can get her life on track and not worry so much...she's headed in the right direction though.

The movie...a bit of what I expected... especially the "twist ending"...made me think...that I am definitely in the category where I believe that there are no coincidences...that everything happens for a reason. That there is a God watching over us and allowing us to learn and grow. I need more faith...I need more trust. I want more hope.

So, I face another day and try to make the most of it. I think this has been a really wild year for me. All in all, I'm learning a lot about what I need and who I want to be. Help me get there.

nothing left to say...
Tuesday, August 6, 2002 1:41 p.m. h6> I have nothing left to say. Except for this.

I am just not in a good place right now...and trying to work my way out of it. I don't know what is going to happen...all I know is that I am in need of a lot of healing.

Every day ... it's a struggle...to learn something new...to find something good. Lord knows, I need to turn to Him now.

Please pray for me. It does me tremendous good...more than any words of advice or comfort. Please continue to do so.

I'm confused and hurt...and I need to not be. How I do it... well, there are two paths. I want to pick the right one.

That's it... another minute, another hour, another day. Healing... we all need it.

alll wedding-ed out...
Monday, August 5, 2002 09:20 a.m.

I'm kind of tired...so I'll make it a short report. The wedding was marvelous... it was celestial. The bride and groom were glowing and beaming...the ceremony was glorious, the receptionw as loads of fun to be had by all. It was good to see them start off so well...I've seen Ann and Andy together from the very beginning and now... all I can say is that they will have an amazing future.

It was great to see so many people share in their joy. Loads of people I haven't seen in awhile...and it was just like old times to hang out and be the way we were. We hung out... I had waaaay too much to drink and was probably babbling incoherently for a good part of the evening...but we had diner fun afterwards and didn;t get much sleep.

The funniest thing was I thought my friend Jamie was hanging around when I was about to get a drink..."Hey, what are you drinking" ..."Gin and Tonic" ...awww crap...not Jamie! "By the way my name is...Pia"... ack !!! so sorry...that was not my intention...so I skulked away embarassed and in need of a G and T myself.

Sunday was fun...we all headed out to Redeemer and hit KTown afterwards for a mass luncheon... a bunch of people came over afterwards to my pad and we just basked in the AC for awhile...I think there are still a few people at my place right now...

All in all...a great time was had by all... still tired and maybe a little buzzed from the alcohol and all the thinking and reflecting.... ahhhh... to love and be loved.... that's all we really want.

done ....and done.
Friday, August 2, 2002 09:13 a.m.

Yes...more gym.

Been working on a project for awhile now...it didn't turn out exactly how I planned...but I think it captures what I've been feeling. In any case...it's out of my hands and in transit...to an intended audience of one.

I don't understand where I get this "nice boy" image from... one of my friends was freaking out about how nice I was...and how "nice guys finish last"... the thing is...I'm not that nice... maybe I just act that way because I can empathize/ sympathize with people...but I can be selfish and evil... bwahahhahah. I think that might be something I need to work on.

I'm not the same person I was three years ago. I've changed, we've all changed... My goodness... "you think you know...but you have no idea"... and all that... and gimme my bag of chips!

I think when it comes down to it...I might just give off the impression that I am a "nice guy"... but trust me...you don't know what goes on in my head and heart. It's not all that pretty. I really wish I was as "nice" as I seemed.

But this might all be a moot point considering where I am now. I'm busy working on this new body of mine... increasing my knowledge of things that I want to know, and making myself better and stronger in every way. Lord knows, I need to grow up and start creating a "hard candy coated shell " of my own.

I'm ok with being vulnerable. I hurt and feel deeply...but it makes me stronger. Believe me... I AM PRETTY DANG STRONG now.

Ok...enough with the spewage... I have hope in the future, don't get me wrong. I believe in the happy ending and the fairy tales. and all of that...but I won't KNOW it until I'm there... call me naive...but I think it will happen to me.

Urrrgh...all this wedding business is making me think of crap. I just need to go and bust out my old skool moves... and get lots of free food.Screw the diet this weekend.

TGIF.

the future...is uncertain.
Thursday, August 1, 2002 09:11 a.m.

Quite an unexpected day... normal day of work and then some big news about Esther.

She got her job offer from SCORE! and will be starting next Monday, August 5, the year of our Lord, 2002. YES ! I'm so happy for her. I have to say that after the first interview I had a good feeling...and after the second...and third... But I'm glad she is employed and well on her way to a bright future...

Speaking of which, we had a quick dinner ...she has a relative visiting, she needs to study for GREs, she has friends coming this weekend, and work coming up... so... after not seeing her for a month... I was glad to have any amount of time with her. I've missed her immensely.

The funny thing is...we were both wearing reddish colored polo shirts and jeans... So we kind of matched. I thought that after a month of not seeing each other and so forth...that this little coinkidink constituted a "moment"...she thinks I look for them...but hey...I thought it was kind of cool..

We talked about her trip to Korea, work stuff coming up, and a little about what might happen since she is going to be in NY for some time. The point is... we don't know what is going to happen. Things are crazy and there is a lot for her to do... and I want to be around for it.

I'm not sure what the future holds...but it is uncertain. All I know is that day to day, moment to moment, I am praying that I will be a better man...that I can live life the way I want to... despite all the cynical hearts out there. I still believe in TRUTH, BEAUTY, LOVE... it's old-fashioned and cliche...but it's the details...the details that make it real.

So, here is to the future...whatever it holds, whom ever we become. I plan on being someone great... the question is... do you want to be there with me ?