boo...not that spooky.
Monday, October 31, 2005 11:08 p.m.

Yeah, woke up late even thought I went to bed relatively early. Just a lazy day...though kind of productive.

I actually managed to get up to page 7 of the new novel. I'm going to try to keep writing and then edit when I get to about Chapter 3. I'm going to try to get somewhere near 30-50 pages by December...I'm hoping that's feasible.

Watched "Most Haunted Live" again...and was unimpressed. And only one group of girls came to trick or treat tonight... oh well.

Played some of my Buffy videogame and that was about it. Also spent an hour trying to get my DSL bill lowered...and yes, I have to call again tomorrow.

Still waiting to hear from MGH. I'm hoping they will contact me tomorrow...if not..well, I just need to be patient at this point. I can't bank on anything...but man, if I don't get this...I'm gonna freak.

Other than that... November is here! Let's see if the next two weeks really do bring me some sunshine. I'm hoping it does. Glad to see October fade away... a lot of weird drama...and all in all...I am better...but still a long way from being fine.

So, keep praying, keep on keeping on. Such is life.

Reese's Pieces are good.

ho-hum...
Sunday, October 30, 2005 11:29 p.m.

Not much going on today. Woke up early...but still felt kind of weak and tired. I think I am still getting over the low sickness...never full blown...but just draining.

Worked out a little...wrote 2 pages of my YA novel...and just watched scary stuff on TV. "Most Haunted Live" has me really puzzled...if people keep saying they see stuff on the webcams...why don't they ever show any of it on tv?

Anyways, not much else going on...was supposed to have dinner with Lynn but she is still sick... so...just stayed home.

Halloween tomorrow... not gonna dress up...gonna throw pretzels at the kids. That's about it... Hoping to hear from MGH in the next few days...hoping for some good news.

Another weekend come and gone...thank goodness. I'm ready for November and good stuff... c'mon!

Oh...and if you haven't yet...check out Eric's xanga page for the details about the engagement. I'm so happy for them. I can't wait to see them Thanksgiving... FATURDAY hazing, Charmander!

weekend blues.
Sunday, October 30, 2005 01:06 a.m.

Not much going on... my insomnia got the better of me...and I'm still feeling kinda weak and sick. I got up at like 1:30...and then Shelb came over with some Popeye's...we watched some tv and pigged out... he'll be back for Thanksgiving...now I gotta get on the ball and see if a "turducken" is gonna be possible for the fam this year.

Weekends are still hard... still feeling all sorts of lonely and not really wanting to go out...so I just watched scary programs all day...and just not feeling really scared.

Chris went to a Halloween party dressed as Barney Rubble....the blonde hairspray actually worked pretty well. And Nina is still watching Buffy.

I may stay up all night and read "Runaways"...but I still feel kinda sick and tired...so maybe I will pass out sooner than I expect. In any case... just wanting the weekend to be over so I will know about the job stuff.

And then I can move on...really, move on. I'm serious. Lord, help me.

Comics, dvds, working out, music, prayer...some comfort...but I want a revolution in my life. I want a major change for the better. I don't want 2005 to end without something to redeem this "annum horrible"... so...I got two months...let's go...LET'S GO!

Ok...I'm sleepy... and then I'll get in bed and toss and turn...sigh. I'm sick of this.

Stand.
Saturday, October 29, 2005 12:12 a.m.

So I finished the Stand mini-series and I have to say it wasn't bad...not great since it is a little dated and some of the stuff seems a little cheezy. All in all...it seemed a bit stuffed since the book was much better. In any case, I thought the Christian message was pretty clear. Giving yourself over to God's will and trusting Him through the trials and tribulations...and in the case of many characters even unto death. Man, and I thought the stuff I went through was tough. Anyways, I was really encouraged by a lot of it... surprisingly.

And another thing...and I quote "Jane and Elaine enjoyed meeting with you and expressed much interest in having you work on this project. I am meeting with Jane and Elaine on Monday afternoon to discuss offers etc., so I should have more information for you then."...so am I nuts in assuming I got this? And if timing works out...this might fall into my NOVEMBER IS GOOD theory. Gonna wait and see. Keep praying for me.

Worked out and I realized...I haven't run in weeks. I hurt myself when I slipped awhile ago... and my leg is STILL kinda swollen...but I'm going to try to run tomorrow. I'm all muscley now...but I got to get cut. I'm definitely in much better shape than I was in July...but still...I can do better...and I want to get in as good a shape as I can for whatever lucky lady I am gonna meet in ... NOVEMEBER! Kidding...who knows about that...and I am still all kinds of injured from the past.

Just seeing a lot of reminders lately...I won't even give them creedence by mentioning them here...but ack... I still wince.

Tired and a little sad...the weekends are always hard on me. I just want to stop feeling alone in a crowded room... I just want to have the feeling of being wanted/loved again....but I'm not sure I know how at this point.

Well, if I can take care of the job thing (and I'm hoping this is going to be it...please) then things will get better...just a little.

Had dinner with the folks and they kept talking about Eric's wedding...we are seriously going to go all out. But between him, Doris, and Romana...all this wedding talk has me a little stressed and depressed...one of these days I will be "Abe Chang + guest"... one day.

OK... I haven't watched anime in awhile... gonna recap ROD before I get the last disc.

PINOY PRIDE!
Friday, October 28, 2005 12:13 a.m.

Yeah, another hard night of restless sleep. Felt tired and groggy when I got up at 11.

Worked out, rehearsed, packed up...and then I was off at 4:00...went to get a few pre-gig comics first and then went to Nightingale Lounge.

I was the first musical act and I read a poem before. I nailed all three of my songs (pinioned, scent of you, under lock and key) and I offered people free CDs if they would donate money to the cause. I said I'd take phone numbers too...ha! Or so I thought...

Anyways, a bunch of people wanted my CDs...mostly dudes! What the heck! Dudes always want to talk to me...it was cool. Anyways, lots of GREAT acts. The poetry wasn't so hot...but the singers...man...this one girl Laura works on Broadway! This girl Sylvia was on Filipino Idol... lots of really talented people.

Now... here's where it gets interesting. This one guy John Flor Sisante... really amazing guitarist... very Neil Young/ Death Cab sound. He even wrote a song for Natalie Portman and got it to her...and she said she wanted to see him perform. Lucky guy...anyways, he was pretty awesome. I was in awe of his guitar skills... he played chords that were just like... dang.

And towards the end Jay Legaspi played...he played at Tea Bag that one time I played. And his stuff is R&B and smooth and his guitar skills are insane. These guys are pros.

Anyways, we all traded CDs and I said I'd email them to see if we could play a bill together or if I could open for them. All of our styles are really different... I'm definitely more rock...and I think my vocals are stronger...in some aspects. But man, Asian Invasion...a little something for everyone...I think that would be cool.

Ok...so I talk to the bartender cause she reminded me of S a bit...turns out she went to the same high school. And I think I may have insulted her when I asked her if she had a day job...anyways, turns out they have open mics on weds. Sorry, Teresa... I think you are quite cute! I'm unemployed...so I suck.

And then... while I was watching John play this girl comes up to me and stands next to me at the bar and says she wants to buy a CD. I said "I'm giving them away for free"... but she stays...anyways, I go outside and she follows me. Turns out she is an aspiring actress/writer...and she liked my poem and my music...and apparently she wants to email me. So, we talk about poetry and writing a bit and I offer her some humble advice. Anyways, so was she hitting on me? I don't know. And she still gives me a ten...that I donate to CORE.

Anyways, after everything is said and done...I find out that one of the organizers...this guy Mark had my CD in his car and when I played "pinioned" he was singing along. He said that was his fave song on the CD. And Lorelei had me sign a CD for him...

And then I give this guy Ian (Sylvia's brother) a CD...and he wants me to sign it for them...and then he shakes my hand...and slips me a ten. Which I keep since the donations are done by now.

And the host...this comedian called "Air" is hosting "Asian America" on PBS...and he said he might have a spot for me on the show... we'll see.

And it was the first time that Fred got to see me play...and Lorelei was really appreciative. hey, they are family.

Anyways, I get home and I am tired...and just reeling from all the stuff...and like anytime I play a gig...I get a little depressed as the adrenaline wears off and I realize I am still singing songs about girls that have broken my heart. When do I get to sing a love song for someone that actually loves me? It hurts still....and I want to stop missing her. Or I want someone else to hurt me to forget.

Yeah, same old song and dance, Abe. I know, I know.

But for now...I'm hoping for a job soon...and then...maybe I'll be able to let someone in again. But man, I am wary...and I trust not a one of you wimmins!

I'm a good guy, right? Cute, creative, not crazy... is that really so difficult?

Anyways, I may find out about MGH tomorrow...so if I can take care of one "blue chick" in November...I'll consider that a huge victory.

Random thoughts: Lindsay Lohan's new video/song...man, never expected serious stuff out of her. I may cry... and I Love the 80s 3D... Debbie Matenopolous (or however you spell it) is HOT. Why does everyone hate her?

Ok...gonna watch scary movies and try to sleep. Another weekend already? Oh boy...let's try to make it a happy one.

friendship...
Wednesday, October 26, 2005 10:55 p.m.

What a weird day it's been...a weird week in fact.

I could not sleep again...and I was feeling a little sick...so I ended up falling asleep around 4 and up around noon. Went grocery shopping...then worked out and rehearsed.

I check my mail and then I get a card from Grace...and a check for an amount of money that really shocks me. No, I'm not going to cash the check...but the card said it all. It really was a very sweet gesture that touched me. Everyone knows what a hard time I've been having...and my friends and family are trying to help out in different ways. All in all, it was the stuff that she wrote in the card that encouraged me the most. *sniff. I really, really appreciate it.

On the other side of the friendship spectrum. Another of my friends calls me and begins to yell at me. Turns out that I told her cousin some stories about our past...which I thought were all ancient history and worth a few laughs (believe me, I'm usually the one holding the short end of the stick in them) and she was not happy with what she heard. I'm not sure what her cousin relayed to her...or how much she embellished...but it got her pissed. And then to top it off...she tells me that I shouldn't comment on her dating her ex again...honestly, the only thing I remember saying was that he "wasn't our favorite person" and this was based on a lot of what my friend used to say about him. I don't personally know the guy...only met him a handful of times...but based on what I know from her...I thought it was a bad idea. In any case, my friend is pissed off to the extent where she does not want to be my friend anymore. And honestly, I did not really get a word in edgewise. All in all, I left a message and wrote and email...and I've said my peace. If this amounts to losing a friend...well, I'm saddened by it...but believe me... this person has put me through a lot more. A LOT MORE. Lesson learned: don't tell stories about your past to a third party. They will talk...and they will embellish or whatever...it's like "telephone"...anyways... I've had enough stress...and this just adds to my list of women who threaten to "never speak to me again"...just unneeded drama. I've apologized and I'm not sure what else to do at this point. It's out of my hands.

I love my friend and I know she goes through a lot of ups and downs...but in the end...we've got some funny, insane, and even some heartbreaking moments that we've shared. I hope I don't lose her...but if that is the case...I'm used to people leaving me. Sad to say...but it's true. I should go hide under a rock and cry some more.

Other than that... watching Mythbusters and Kari is just...sigh...Kari.

Benefit show tomorrow...a lot of talented people performing...amn, I'm gonna feel like such an amateur if I don't step up my game...and it doesn't help that I'm still feeling kind of sick...still kinda hot and woozy.

My Naruto article is out in the new Anime Insider! wooo.

Urrgh... just want things to stop being weird... just want some normalcy or something good. Tired of all this insanity and just feel like my world is being rocked.

I need some love and prayers right now. Just feeling all sorts of uneasy. I need a hug.

getting closer...
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 09:35 p.m.

Ok...I think I am getting sick. I woke up really dizzy this afternoon...and I feel like I'm getting weaker and weaker. I think I'm getting whatever Nina had.

Anyways, I got ready for my interview and headed out to the city in the wind and the rain.

Does anyone remember my "blue chick" theory...basically, it's if you look at your life as a dozen eggs that you compartmentalize...your goal is to raise healthy "yellow chicks"...each of these represents and aspect of your life, your career, relationships, well being...and at any given time...there seems to be a "blue chick" one thing that just isn't right...anyways...my "blue chicks" at the moment are career and relationship...ok...the weird thing is...as I was coming up the escalator at the Manhattan Mall...some store was introducing a line called "blue chic" and the logo was a "blue chick"...maybe that's a sign that I'm going to be taking care of some business soon?

Anyways, I killed some time at Starbucks and went up to McGraw Hill. As I was going in...I ran into two old coworkers from Holt...Netcher and Mike...anyways...I go up and wait for the HR person to take me to the VP...and I run into Pete from Holt...funny.

So, I meet with Jane, the VP and Elaine the Exec. Ed...and they are both really nice and we have a long talk about the project and my experience...and it seems like they really are interested...because I tell them I may have some other interviews coming up and I would appreciate it if they could let me know ASAP...and the VP says they were interested.

After I spoke with them...I waited to talk to the HR person again...and I waited for 20 minutes. I think they were discussing me...anyways... I speak with Cindy and she tells me to check in on Friday to see if they will make me an offer.

The job would be the Editor of the World Cultures TE... gr. 6. Something that I could do considering the World Lit stuff I did at Holt...so I am optimistic about this. Whether or not I get it... yet to be seen...

It's a one year contract or until the project is over...but people move on to other projects and whatever...and McGraw Hill owns other publications and I could always move within the company to something else down the line. Who knows...right now...whatever door opens for me is the one I am going to walk through. And if it happens to be here...then I am ready.

Now, how about that other "blue chick"? I'm still having nightmares...and little things remind me of her...and it hurts. I still miss her and I still feel so sad...I just need time and someone else to help me forget about this absence and pain.

Anyways...I went to Best Buy and got my folks a router and I got "Herbie: Fully Loaded" for me...and I liked it...it was cute and family friendly...and I used to love Herbie movies when I was a kid...and Lindsay is so cute and healthy looking in the movie...sigh. What happened, kid?

Ok...I'm gonna drink my Theraflu and pass out early tonight...ugh. I feel crappy. But hopeful still.

glimmer of hope...
Monday, October 24, 2005 10:27 p.m.

Been feeling weird and kind of sick all day...but not a full blown kind of illness or anything like that. Anyways, I went to bed by 2...but I was up at 1:30...so maybe I am ill.

Went out grocery shopping while Nina was still busy marathoning Buffy. When I came home...I had a message from McGraw Hill! So, I called and I have an interview tomorrow....when it is going to be pouring rain...oh, man.

AND...then I get an email from my headhunter saying she has something for me... and I forwarded her my current resume and she is going to try to get an interview for me soon.

Anyways, a little respite from all the downturn lately...but I still feel a little weird. Not sure how to shake this feeling.

Got Greg Dulli's "Amber Headlights"...it was the solo record he was working on before his friend (and director of "Beautiful Girls") died... so it's very Whigs-y and I love it...and it's obvious that some of the songs evolved into Twilight Singers songs...good stuff.

Afghan Whigs, Superchunk, Shudder to Think, U2, Placebo, the Smiths, Depeche Mode...these will always be some of my faves.

Anyways... I'm almost done with Arrested Development Season 2...the second time around...I'm just catching so many little injokes...the seal/hand stuff...the Steve Holt/Buster not knowing their real dads stuff, the little things...and of course...for the geekiest of the geeks...Henry Winkler literally "jumps a shark"...like the Fonz did back in Happy Days...just PACKED with lots of little jokes like that.

Well, got to get mentally prepped for interview tomorrow...and then we'll see what other surprises are in store... remember, November is next week...and if my theory proves right... things will gradually get better and better. Believe dat.

better soon...
Sunday, October 23, 2005 09:55 p.m.

Well, I'm hoping that things do get better soon. I'm actually feeling a bit under the weather...kind of hot and cold...maybe Nina gave me whatever she had...ack.

Anyways, got up at noon...just not doing well with the insomnia again...and it was cold and rainy...and not feeling so great.

Went home to see Justin and try to get the computer fixed. We didn't even have to say anything...I just hugged and kissed him and that was it. Chris came too...but the computer looks like it needs to be wiped out and restarted from scratch... ugh.

Other than that...I just stayed in and watched Arrested Development Season 2...which I'll probably finish tonight man...I keep doing these marathons... and Desperate Housewives... it's getting better...but they need to get all the girls together. And dang...Lynnette was hot tonight for once!

Just trying not to think and dwell too much. I'm still really worried about the whole "seeing things in the corner of my eye" business. It's starting to worry me...because in the past 24 hours...it's happened three times while I was watching tv... just think I see a glimpse of something skittering away... I just wish it was an actual bug or mouse or something real...and that nothing is actually wrong with me...let's see what happens in the next few days. Maybe it will just go away.

My aunt and Alex dropped by for a bit...and Nina has been on a Buffy marathon...she finished season 1, half of 2 and 7 in the past two days...ugh.

I want to work out...but I just feel really tired and only did 250 reps... which is like half of the norm...but still...just don't want to get fat after I made all this progress lately...

So, I'm hoping that after this week...things will turn towards the better. Maybe I am deluding myself by trying to stay positive...but I think November really is going to be when things turn around. I said fall would be the start of things getting better...and they are...but there have been some hiccups in the road... can't let it derail me completely.

Lord knows, I'm tired and a bit upset ...and just not feeling right...but I need to keep going...need to just put my head down and wait for this storm to rage past me.

It's going to be over soon. I know it.

breakdown.
Saturday, October 22, 2005 10:02 p.m.

I just had one of the worst days in a long time. It wasn't any one major thing...but the compounded nature of all these little things just got me to the point of just breaking down again.

I'm going to be honest. There's a lot of things that I don't post on here...but I'm just going to write whatever I need to at this point. It's my own form of therapy...just writing on here and getting my thoughts down somewhere. So, bear with me.

If you know me or if you read my blog...you know that my little brother Justin is who I love the most in the whole world...and maybe that's why I was so frustrated today. Yesterday and the day before were not the best days... but I went home to help Justin clear out the basement and to fix his computer. He was just giving me this attitude that is typical with teenagers...but it just got me so frustrated and angry that he was raising his voice and copping this attitude when I came over specifically to help him out. It hurt. And on top of everything...I just lost it and yelled at him like I never have before. I was so mad that he couldn't see past his own needs (and what teenager can, really? we've all been there) but the fact that I've always gone out of my way to help him, to get him things, to just do whatever I could for him....that he couldn't spare 2 seconds to get me pen and paper so I could get some info to fix his computer...just sent me into a yelling fit.

In any case, I felt terrible...but my mom told me she understood where I was coming from. It wasn't just this incident...it's just been months and months of feeling ineffectual and useless and frustrated that has gotten me to this point. I don't know if it's just my self-esteem and my wounded pride...but I suspect that it goes deeper. It shakes my faith. I'm trying to endure this...and I want to believe that God will see me through this. I realize how weak I truly am...and I do need a miracle to get me through this.

Last night...I went to meet up with Gloria and maybe meet some of her friends. In any case...I was waiting for almost an hour until she came...and then when I got in...it was just crowded and really loud...and she introduced me to people...but they were all old friends and I felt like I was intruding. I wasn't in the best mood yesterday...and I probably should have stayed home. In any case, I left and called Eunice to see where she was.

Eunice is one of my best friends and I feel comfortable around her...but when I met up with her...and her friends (bunch of couples) I just felt a little weird...and just needing to go home.

All in all...as if I didn't have trouble fitting in already...the past few days has just been a bunch of reminders of how my life isn't where I want to be...and how much of an outsider I still feel like. Yes, I'm probably more emotional than most people...and more sensitive than I should be...but sometimes I can't help feeling this way.

So, with my brother's engagement (which makes me feel like an ass that I am not more happy for them), yet another job opportunity that should have been a logical fit falling away, with me feeling awkward in my own skin, with the apartment a mess and overcrowded, with Justin growing up...I just lost it and when my mom called it just left me in tears and feeling so lost.

The short end of it is...I'm just in need of someone to take care of me at this point....and yet...I'm not sure if I want anyone to be that close. I'm just so tired of all the conflicting advice...I talked to Eunice, Romana, and Grace today and they each gave me advice that was in direct opposition to each other...and in the end...I'm not sure what I can do. I'm not sure what I'm willing to do. I know that I probably shouldn't drink anymore whiskey by myself though...

I just feel that this time of trial and tribulation in my life has taken me through so much turmoil. And the scary thing is ...this is nothing. Looking at the people suffering through the hurricanes, through war, through terrorism...what kind of person am I? I can barely handle the fact that I am unemployed and nursing a broken heart? How weak am I, that I feel that this is more than I can take?

I'm still praying, I'm still hoping that God will make all of this clear. That there is some redemption in all of this...and that He will take this wretch of a person and save him from himself.

I am so tired. And I scare myself with some of the things I think about. And on top of the nightmares...lately, I'm starting to worry that I'm developing some kind of nervous twitch or something...I think I see things moving in the corner of my eye. I think there is a bug or a mouse or something (not uncommon in NY)...but when I look there is nothing there. I'm really scared that this will continue. Because when I think I see something...I am fully awake...no alcohol in me...nothing. And it's happened on a handful of occasions already.

And I started breaking out lately...maybe I'm under more stress than I realized...I haven't had much acne for a long time...but the past 2 weeks....I can't control that.

When I am in control...things are fine. I can enjoy so many things... and really count my blessings. But it's these things that I cannot control that really scare me. The nightmares, the seeing things, these little fits of panic...that just come from nowhere. I am a logical person...and this is completely illogical to me... but how do I stop it? And how do I not feel like a freak?

So, please...please pray for me. It may seem like silly little things when the world is in such chaos...but this is the only body, mind, and soul I have...and I want to be in control...but more importantly...I want God to And on top of it all...I always joked about my OCD tendencies before. But seriously, I just feel so uncomfortable that there are piles and piles of stuff that I can do nothing about. I want to clean and rearrange things so badly...but there's just these areas that I can't touch...and all this is stressing me out in a way that is completely illogical.

So, I'm begging God to help me through this. I'm just having a really bad day...and I want to be able to sleep and not have nightmares...I want to live like a normal human being again. I'm asking for grace and mercy here.

I'm just tired. I have more to say...but I don't even make sense to myself right now.

CONGRATS!
Friday, October 21, 2005 07:14 p.m.

Ok, well...I've kept it secret long enough, but by now everyone should know... Eric got engaged.

My lil' brother proposed to the girl of his dreams (that would be you, Charlotte) on a row boat somewhere in San Francisco. Tres romantique.

I am so very happy for them and I know that Charlotte will make a great addition to the Chang clan. Man, get ready for some FATURDAYS!

So, the coming months will be lots of planning and such and we'll have to find someone to be the ring bearer that is cute enough...are all our kids too big now?

Anyways, I'm ecstatic for them...but I'm kinda sad for myself. So, I'm going to be all out of character and go with Gloria and Joe to their friend's bday party. She wants to introduce me to some of her friends...anyone got any use for a broke-ass, tortured artist-type, with loads of charm? :P

Anyways, I love my brother. And I will come to love my sister-in-law dearly as well. God bless you and love you.

Welcome to the fold, Charlotte. Get ready to be fat. Don't resist. Come with us to the buffet table. Ahhh...one of us! One of us! You think I'm kidding?...oh no. Thus is the Chang way. You'll fit right in.

gorram nightmares.
Friday, October 21, 2005 02:28 p.m.

Yeah, I had another of those dang nightmares...the ones when I get up too early and go back to sleep and I dream...

Anyways, it was about S. For some reason, I had returned to NY and was visiting my old church (which doesn't exist anymore, btw) and I found out that she was going there since I was gone. So, we go to all these meetings and lunches and whatever and I'm sitting across from her acting polite and not saying anything...

After the meeting...I somehow revert to being really young and then I'm in the car. My folks are driving along a pier with all these cruise ships and there is like a Mardi Gras party atmosphere...and then I get home...and for some reason I'm running through a forest and heading towards a Keebler Elf type house...bumping into picnic tables and whatever.

And the part that upsets me is that in the dream I can feel myself saying "I desperately need to reach her" and I start calling and I get this wrong number and tears are streaming down my face because I think that if I reach the Keebler Elf house...it will all be over. And then I call and she answers...but the door to the house opens up...and I wake up.

Needless to say, I felt like utter crap this morning. I can pick apart this nonsensical dream and psychoanalyze myself...but in the end...the most important thing is that this sense of loss is not something I can get over soon. I do miss her. I wish things were different...and in the end I do resent her too.

Honestly, I want someone else to break my heart so I can forget about her. I just want some stroke of intense emotion to cover this...

I'm just tired...gorram it! (Firefly speak.) And I'm taking care of Nina since she took a sick day. I'm scared to be in the same room as her...since I have to sing on Thursday...oh, well.

And to top it off...PR emailed and said they may hire someone else before I even get in for an interview. GREAT.

Ok...my "multi-concert theory" isn't quite working out yet...but mind you, I said it would start in November...sigh.

More later. TGIF, anyways.

new song!
Thursday, October 20, 2005 11:37 p.m.

Weird inspiration has me writing a completely different type of song. It just came out like a Bright Eyes/ Wilco type country-rock song...really simple...but I tried to convey a deeper level in terms of the lyrics.

It might sound a little bleak: It's about when you don't know if someone is going to save you or harm you. It's basically a song about trust and whether or not someone has the best intentions for you...and sometimes this means yourself.

Anyways, here's "As I Walk the Borderline"

And I'm feeling dead in the water
And I'm ready to sink down
I'd let the waves wash over
But you won't let me drown

Just don't waste my time
If you're gonna come and save me
Do you realize?
That you're stupid for your bravery

And I think I'm in your crosshairs
A steady finger trembling close
A moment's pain I could bear
But it's the sound that I fear most

Just don't waste my time
If you're gonna pull the trigger
Do you realize?
That this waiting makes you sicker

Waiting on you
I'm waiting on you
Waiting for the truth
Waiting for you

But today I don't feel nothing
As I walk the borderline
I'm letting go of every thing
But I'm holding on too tight

Can't make up my mind
If I'm living or I'm dying
And I realize
What's the point of even trying?
I'll believe your lies
Just this once and then I'm leaving
Just this one last time

Serenity
Thursday, October 20, 2005 03:45 p.m.

Ok, I just had to write about how much I love Joss Whedon. You all know about my Buffy love...well, I just finished Firefly and I am just so sad that the show got cancelled.

The series didn't catch me with the pilot...but after a few episodes I was hooked. And Kaylee and Inara are just so hot in there own ways. And Mal...who doesn't want to be Mal?

Just a lot of interesting things I've been noticing about the casting. Let me explain: first of all the Desperate Housewives connections Doug Savant and the guy that plays Karl...both have cameos as Alliance jackholes. Then there is that woman from OC that plays Mal's little tryst partner.

Also, Kaylee was in Wonderfalls as a pretty important role. And Wash is in a bunch of movies (Dodgeball for one) and Mal... he's the evil preacher on Buffy! Anyways, not using actors names but character names... but you get the picture.

From the get-go I knew I'd like the show... the similarities with Cowboy Bebop (one of my fave anime series of all time) was a sure bet. Then there is the fact that it is a Whedon creation. How in the 'verse could I not love it.

But the capper: the liberal use of Chinese through out. Joss never comes out and expressly states it in the show...but the superpowers of the US and China are the only ones that survive in the future and it's all blended. So...everyone..EVERYONE speaks English and Mandarin...and even if they don't get the accent right...I still can understand a lot of it... I was cracking up... "go-se" and other words for poo...and the use of "dong ma?" (understand?) and "mei-mei" (little sister) ...but the long rants...I couldn't make it out (bad accents)...but the beauty of it is...you just "get" what they are saying due to context...and we know context is everything (it's a cliche writer thing to say...but also look at the Chuck Klostermann excerpt from yesterday.)

Anyways, I was up late last night...AGAIN. But I was productive. Wizard is hiring an Associate Editor and if there is any justice in the universe...it should be me.

Maybe things are falling into place. I've been a freelance writer for Anime Insider for a few months now, my interviews with Marvel have put me in contact with the comic book industry, and the kicker: Nina is working at a paper upstate...and guess where her "beat" is... Congers. Where Wizard HQ is.

So, if things go according to plan (God's plan) then maybe this is it...and then there is always Princeton Review.

Regardless, I'll be sitting by the phone and waiting. Pray for me...I need this.

blossom...like a Lotus.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005 10:41 p.m.

Another long day. I'm beat. Got up and went to the city to meet up with the ed of Lotus. Stopped by Midtown and got a comic or two...and then went downtown to Cha-An.

Ok...so you know that I was reading Chuck Klostermann's "Killing Yourself to Live"...which is basically a travelogue meets pop-culture-infusamania...anyways... it was pretty good...but when it got to the last few pages...I thought I was going to lose it on the train. I started reading it and then I had to stop. I got choked up and got out at 2nd Ave...and I finished the book walking down the avenue... and collected myself.

Well, here's a bit of what I am talking about (Chuck, sorry...hope this isn't breaking any copyright laws):

"We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It's easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven't even met yet, probably. They all count. But there are certain people you love who do something else; they define how you calssify what love is supposed to feel like. These are the most important people in your life, and you'll maybe meet maybe four or five of these people over the span of 80 years. But there's still one more tier to all of this; there is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it always happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of those lovable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. You will remember having conversations with this person that never actually happened. You wil recall sexual trysts with this person that never technically occurred. This is because the individual who embodies your personal definition of loves does not really exist. The person is real, and the feelings are real--but you create the context. And context is everything. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they're often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because fot the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else."

...and that's when I could feel my throat catch. I can't say that I agree with everything Chuck says...but there is a lot of that that makes me think of her. I don't want to believe that she was the love of my life...and that I lost her forever...and if I really meant "nothing" to her...well, that just makes me the fool for carrying this torch for so long.

In the end, I want to forget it all. I never want to experience that in my life ever again. The raging desire and concern for another human being... that ends in ashes. I can't take it. I'm not strong enough to handle something like this ever again. Sometimes, I wonder how I can even function...but I do. I take a deep breath...I keep busy with my weights, my running, my writing, my music, my books, my music and my "stories" and my prayers....and I live.

I don't know who is going to be the one to shake me out of this emotional armor that I'm slipping on. I don't know what kind of woman is going to want to deal with me after all of this. And I don't know when I will be good for someone else again.

But I know that I am getting better. I am crafting myself into someone that I think is worthy to love and be loved. And in the midst of people getting married and falling in love...I'll have to grit my teeth for awhile...but when it happens for me... man, there is going to be a PARTY. Capital "P"... I know there are a lot of people that are going to be ecstatic for me...cause hey, I'm the "friend with the worst luck in relationships"... one day...we can ALL laugh about it.

So, keep me in your prayers...and throw me at single girls. Anyone want a poet/musician/popculture freak? Holla atcha boy.

Anyways, the day... went to meet Carrie and she is a bit eccentric (but aren't all writers?) and she is very opinionated about China and politicsandstuff...

So we talk a bit and there might be a chance that she will want to hire me as an editor for Lotus... I would love my own column and write my Sedaris-esque "observations about life" yes, cliche...but with a SPIN. And pleas, don't take my blogwriting as how I would write professionally. GAH.

So, she says that she can tell that I was "intense" and this was when we had sat down for approximately 90 seconds and all I had said was basically "nice to meet you"...mind you, I don't know what it is about me...but a lot of other people have said this to me... someone even said I "emanated this powerful aura" (guess who that was? think a few summers ago.). Anyhoo...maybe I got a lot of "chi" or I'm just a really manlyman (HA!) but ok..."intense"...whatever.

This Lotus gig sounds really cool. I think it would be great to have another creative outlet and maybe a little cash...but most importantly...to just be forced and disciplined to write again. That is something I really need.

Afterwards, I went over to check out Gloria's new digs...pretty neat place. And we just chilled for a bit and I helped her get some groceries. She was going to cook with Joe that night. Man, I want that life. Coming home to someone you love and just cooking together. Watching LOST and just feeling secure (ironic, huh?) that someone honestly, truly loves you.

I'm still waiting for that. And let me tell you, I'm hoping it is worth the wait.

Home. beat. Got me some new peachFresca. Watched LOST...it was ok...but 3 weeks until the episode when someone gets whacked?!?!? ARRRRGH!!!

And gig news...man, it's gonna be a short set...but I think it will be good to get in front of a new audience. Next Thursday.

Oh...and PR said that I might not have my interview on Friday... they still haven't set it in stone yet... oh, great. Maybe everything is supposed to happen in November (remember my theory?)

Stay tuned, kiddies. It's gonna happen.

I feeeeeel you.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005 09:40 p.m.

Ugh...up and out again. Went to Tower Records near NYU and picked up the new Depeche Mode and got a wristband. I was guaranteed to meet them...and then I looked at the line...and it wasn't that bad. There was maybe 100 people lined up...so then...here we go.

This guy Mike and this girl Kelly agreed to hold my place and I met up with Gloria for lunch at Pizza Mercato...my old NYU staple... anyways we had pizza and a beer at Josie Woods next door...and we talked...seems like she is a little "unhappy with being happy"...things are going well for her...so there really isn't any reason for not feeling well...except for the fact that there isn't much drama in her life...man, if I had a job and a healthy relationship and I would not complain....but that's just two things I can't seem to get right.

Anyways, Princeton Review calls me right after and tell me to come in on Friday. wooo. here comes another interview.

Gloria leaves and I wait on line...and I realize this guy Mike is a bit of a tool...anyways, he works at a sex shop and is really into electro and electronic stuff...a little too much. Anyways, this couple from Jersey...April and Brian seemed pretty cool...and this photog said she would email me some DM pics she took outside. I got a few...but they weren't that great...I'll upload them to FLICKR anyways...

So, it's 7:00 and we head in and...bam...the line just moves... they don't even personalize the stuff...they just sign and shake hands. Dave, Martin, and Andy... and I give them each one of my CDs! I shake their hands and then Dave goes..."it's not even demos we're getting..we're getting whole CDs now!"

So, that was it...the security rushes us out and then...that's pretty much it.

depeche mode may have seemed like a fad to some people...soem junior high thing...but their music changed my life and I will always love it. Depeche mode, U2, afghan whigs, superchunk, placebo...these are just some bands that I will forever be indebted to... their music really resonates with me...and will continue to until the day I day.

Anyways, the new album is pretty good...I'm sure it will grow on me...but the single "Precious" is just amazing...old school DM...and just a great melody. Definitely check it out.

So, my busy week continues...meeting with the EIC of Lotus tomorrow to talk poetry and maybe get an editorial job...we'll see.

I'm beat. So much else I'm thinking about and want to write...but I'm just tired. More later, kids.

FFFFFFF...FFFFF!!!
Tuesday, October 18, 2005 12:39 a.m.

Yes, you guessed it. Insomnia again. I couldn't sleep until 530...and I was up at 1 again. Dang schedule. I need to get unconscious tonight!

Went to the bank to deposit my "poetry award" and then I picked up some groceries. Came home and worked out a little...ate and then I was off.

Met up with Kathleen and we went to the "Theater at MSG" a smaller section that I think I saw Amy Grant a loooong time ago. Anyways...the openers were ok...Cut/Copy was really derivative and a little pretentious...and TV on the Radio was not worth the hype. They just had no hooks and their songs were heavy and just seemed like they tried a little hard.

Franz Ferdinand were pretty awesome. They played most of their two albums and they were just tight. Sounded really good and they were light and entertaining. I like their music...I don't love it...but it was a good time.

Went to have a beer with Kathleen and we talked about how silly and insane things are at my old work place...and the ever challenging search to find love in this insane city. She's been having an interesting few months...and I'm glad for her...I just wish she had a friend for me!

Anyways...thus concludes my 4 concert spree! And interesting to note... Foo Fighters, the Faint, Franz Ferdinand...what's up with all the "effs" ? Any significance in this?

Well, I'm going to see if I can meet Depeche Mode tomorrow at Tower Records. I really do not want to stand in line all day...but if I can get a wristband or whatever...and meet them...then it will be worth the trip. Having lunch with Gloria at least... that will be fun.

So, I'm hoping that the first week of November will be when things kick off for me. I'm hoping my fortune chances and that I will no longer be "fate's bitch"...I'm ready for a change for the better...and I hope it sticks this time.

Sometimes if I sit or lie down and start thinking...all this stuff just threatens to overwhelm me...and I just have to make myself not think about it...and just envision a time when I can look back on this "annum horrible" and realize that things have gotten so much better.

I want to have faith in human kindness and genorosity and truth again. I want to be able to see people as they are...and not for them to have such a potential to hurt me. I want to be able to let someone in again...and feel like things will work out...and not end in tragedy.

I want to be able to forget her.

I need to get on with this thing called life...and if I have to imagine some "perceived balance in the universe"...then I will hold on to the hope that God is just...and that things will turn out better...if I hold onto hope and faith...and believe that everything happens for a reason...then maybe the answers will be inevitable...and I can really praise, rejoice, and rely on a power greater than I.

In any case, tomorrow is another day to change. It's another day for hope. Black celebration or no... I'm sure there's a method to this madness.

worked up so...asexual.
Sunday, October 16, 2005 06:21 p.m.

Oh man, insomnia again. I was tossing and turning something fierce until around 5AM. My alarm went off but there was no way I could get up for church. I ended up waking up at 1ish...ugh.

Worked out, watched some of the Aviator's extras and got ready for the Faint concert. Rehearsed for upcoming gig. Still not sure if "Helena" will sound good acoustic.

Chris was watching "Team America" and Nina was reading the "Love Hina" manga. Just a lazy Sunday. Feeling sleepy now too.

Off to the Faint show at B.B. King's which is probably the weirdest venue for them to play at. Anyways...I got there a little early and made a few calls. Romana is pushing her wedding to December of next year...which is the best for everyone. And Jen and Mike are getting ready for San Diego in April...

Eunice came and we went in... and let me tell you. It was just bizarre. It was called the "Sin City Tour" and it was sponsored by Camel. So it was all Vegas-y and there were pole dancers and a "pleasure lounge" which was kind of lame. It was blackjack tables that you could play for fun...and man, Eunice won a ton! And there was a fake tattoo guy that gave Eunice a tiger tat on her lower back...dang. And there were all these girls dressed up like showgirls walking around...and a "Chapel of Lust" where you could take a wedding photo with an Elvis impersonator... just bizarre...

And then there were the opening acts...part of a Vegas-style revue. Led by Johnny Fayva...this fat guy in a bad wig...he did a version of Hey Ya, One (is the loneliest number), Come Sail Away, and I Believe in a Thing Called Love... and then there was "Dirty Little Secret" this burlesque act ...4 hot girls. And then there was Miss Ursula...kind of a comedy hula hoop act...and this awful half-Asian stand-up that just sucked...maybe he was half-Japanese...cause he BOMBED (thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night.) And this one magic act that was all about smoking cigarettes... great.

Anyways, I get into the left side of the stage...and Miss Ursula and some of the DLS girls stand near me to take pics of Johnny...and then behind me ...I'm like...no it can't be...but it's Sia Michel, the HOT Editor-in-Chief of SPIN! I wanted to go talk to her and beg her for a job...but it was too loud...and the reason I knew for sure it was her...because MOBY was standing right next to her. So funny.

Anyways, the Faint played a kick-arse show as always...they played all of my faves...especially "Call, Call", "Worked Up So Sexual", "Agenda Suicide", "Glass Dance", "I Disappear", "Desperate Guys" etc... just awesome dance-rock fun.

So, if you like the Killers, the Rapture, or the Bravery...they owe a lot to the Faint...and well, 80's bands.

Anyways...it was a great time...had just a great time dancing and thrashing about...much needed...and thus ...three concerts were attended in one week! So, if my theory hold correct...the first week of November should be super awesome for me... let's see.

eh...another weekend.
Saturday, October 15, 2005 10:07 p.m.

Weird dream...I was running through high school and I was trying to get this red transclucent sewing kit to someone...and I was missing 6th period. And I ran into a bunch of nuns in pink uniforms and they asked me to help them out with their bake sale. So they stuffed me in this pink bunny outfit and I helped them out. And then Angela from Boy Meets World (the black girl that was Shawn's girlfriend) hugs me and is like "You never really loved me." and she sticks her tongue out and I kiss her...and she's all surprised. Anyways, the anime I was watching had "nuns with guns" and Angela obviously represents you-know-who...and I guess the sewing kit...not being able to get it there on time...means I'm trying to mend something I can't... PSYCHOANALYSISTHERAPY..."analrapist".

Anyways, I took a walk outside with Chris (no rain finally!) and got a few things at the grocery store. And then I worked out, wrote a little, and watched the Aviator.

I was just saying to Chris... the flood waters, the rain, the fires in Cali, the earthquake in Pakistan...does it seem biblical, or what?

You know, figuratively my world has come crashing down these past few months...but what if it was literal?

Anyways, a few things to look forward to. Going to try to go to church tomorrow...I just hope my insomnia let's go tonight and I can get up...and then the Faint tomorrow night.

Monday--helping my dad fix the roof and Kathleen called and asked if I wanted to go see Franz Ferdinand with her on Monday, Tuesday--depeche mode signing...anyone want to go?

Lazy Saturday...I don't have much choice...but I hope it changes soon.

Oh yeah, someone said my pic on this page made me look like a dork...so I changed it. My stories aren't always the best...because they are things that actually happen. Sometimes I just list what happens without embellishment. It's just the way it is.

And yes, truth is stranger than fiction sometimes. And even more heartbreaking. Hey, what can you do? Pray for better days, kids.

FOOZER!!!
Saturday, October 15, 2005 02:23 a.m.

Oh man, what a day... started off with work outs and the last few episodes of South Park Season 6...

Then off to Port Authority to get tix for the bus...and then picked up Eunice... got on line for the bus...and no buses! The Port Authority didn't plan it very well and there were hundreds of people lined up. Anyways...by the time we got to Continental Airlines Arena (yes, again)...we had missed Hot Hot Heat... oh well.

Got some neato Weezer wristbands for cheap and some snacks...and then we found our seats. AWESOME! Mid-arena and the first row above GA! Awesome! Weezer came on like 5 minutes after we were seated and they launched right into "Say It Ain't So"... I'll post the setlist tomorrow...anyways...they did a great job... but a little less-rock more nerdygeeky...but the cool thing was that they switched off instruments and Rivers didn't even sing all his songs! WHOAH! And then...they did a cover of a Foo Fighters song! "Big Me" sounds good enough to be a Weezer song...and then... the drummer sang one of my faves "Photograph" that went into "Song 2" by Blur!...The encore was pretty fantastic...Rivers went to the back of the stadium and played an acoustic version of "Island In The Sun" and when he came back...he passed by our section...AND HE HIGH FIVED US!!!! WOOOO!

Other highlights..."El Scorcho" (the song about having yellow fever" and the closer...one of my faves..."HASH PIPE"!!!!...and WEEZER CONFETTI! I got some...

Here's the Weezer setlist:Say It Ain't So, Perfect Situation, Don't Let Go, My Name Is Jonas, Dope Nose, This Is Such A Pity, Big Me(FF COVER!), The Damage In Your Heart, Why Bother?, El Scorcho, We Are All On Drugs, Surf Wax America, Beverly Hills, Photograph, Song 2 (BLUR COVER!)
encore: Island In The Sun, Undone (with dumb girl from audience that couldn't play guitar), Hash Pipe, Buddy Holly

Then after a brief intermission...it was time for the FOO FIGHTERS!!! the crowd was really there to see the FF...much more into it and up for it. They opened with "In Your Honor" and then right into "ALL MY LIFE" one of my top ten fave songs of all time! Just pure awesomeness. Then they played a bunch of their hits and obscure cuts (setlist tomorrow) and Dave Grohl is apparently hanging out with Jack Black too much because he sounds like he is in Tenacious D...funny, though.

And in the middle of "Stacked Actors" ...Grohl ran through the crowd and played some guitar licks from the mezzanine. Then he came running withint 5 feet from me and looked right at us...and gave us a big "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO"!!!

I think he might be overcompensating with the compliments to Taylor Hawkins...we ALL know that Grohl is one of the best rock drummers of all time... and he played one song while Hawkins sang...and it's just obvious..Grohl rules. he was even holding back...anyways..."Everlong" was part solo...and then the band came in at the very end...they should have came in a little earlier...but it was still awe inspiring.

Encore was a big surprise... Roger Taylor from QUEEN came out to play drums and Hawkins sang "Tie Your Mother Down"...dang that's pretty cool... and they closed with "Monkey Wrench" but we were already out the door and heading towards the parking lot.

Here's the FF setlist:In Your Honor,All My Life,My Hero, Up in Arms,Best of You,Learn to Fly,Times Like These, Stacked Actors,DOA, Cold Day in the Sun,The One, Breakout, Everlong
Encore: Tie Your Mother Down (Queen cover featuring Roger Taylor on drums),Monkey Wrench

We got to the bus and sat down...some drunk douchebag kept saying..."I'm like a dog in heat...someone's in heat...I can smell the blood drops." Biggest douche...ever.

Got in to the city and we actually wandered around a bit trying to find a place to eat...and we eventually got to CoffeeShop and chowed down.

Overall, it was a great night. THANKS EUNICE! It was a ton of fun and we got to rock out and forget our troubles for a night. It's been a tough year...and if it can wind down with some happy (rockin') moments...then there is some justice in the universe.

I'm trying to look for happiness in the little things now. I'm going to abandon the big ideals of things like "love" and "destiny" and all that... for now...happiness will be in the fleeting moments...like when you can thrash about and throw some 'horns for Dave Grohl.

so give me all your poison...
Friday, October 14, 2005 12:45 a.m.

What a day... got up at 11 and Justin had Yom Kippur off so my mom and I took him to Harvest Buffet...and man, without my dad...it's just not worth it...I just can't eat that much anymore. I really think my stomach shrunk. I am not buffetworthy.

Came home and shuttled my grandparents onto the minivan. My mom has this whole week off so she took them to Atlantic City. They got a comped room and they are gonna go to my aunt's after the Taj Mahal fun.

I went to Forest Hills and cashed in my spare change at Commerce Bank...you gotta love the Penny Arcade. And I used my new found cash and got me some comics...Infinite Crisis is totally confusing unless you read the original Crisis...which I still have yet to finish. sigh.

Anyways...came home and got ready for the My Chemical Romance/ Alkaline Trio show. Got to Port Authority early and got tix for the bus over to E. Rutherford. Justin was in Flushing...and he took the 7...but didn't realize that he was at the last stop...and ended up going back towards Queens... so he had to take it back...anyways, by the time we got to Continental Airlines Arena...we missed the opening act...which was fine by me.

Justin is totally into the memorablia thing...he bought two MCR shirts and was trying to get a poster...but some girl bought the last 6...and he didn't get one... on to the show.

Alkaline Trio were really good. The sound system there SUCKED...but they did a good job. Man, those Satanists have some catchy songs. They played my fave songs from the last two albums too...those songs were good...and they are all kinda funny too. I got a little packet of 4 mini-buttons...they look pretty cool too.

Lots of cute gothppunk girls...although they are probably all like 17...lots of parents and their families...funny. And there is always a guy in a Metallica shirt...man, they just don't get it.

Anyways, me and Justin were wedged between two sets of girls...3-apiece...the ones on our left were the nerdygiddypunk types...and they were just funny and yelling things...the girls to our right...were like sorority chicks... this one girl, I think the correct term is "muffintop" where she is kinda chubby and her sides spill out over her jeans...anyways...this blonde, kinda chubby, muffin-topped girl bends over with her arse in my face and she's wearing this g-string...as in dental floss.

I think I threw up in my mouf a little.

Anyways...she keeps drinking Bud Lites all night and inbetween sets she taps my leg and goes "excuse me, but do you smoke?" as in "SMOKE" ...and I was like "nah, I got nothing for ya...I'm here with my LITTLE brother, he's only 15." and she's like "I guess he doesn't smoke either."

Anyways, all through the MCR show she does her little drunken dance and rubs up against me every now and then. See, if she were cuter and not so muffin-topped...I wouldn't mind so much. Anyhoo.

MCR come into a Smiths song! "Please, Please..." and I think they are gonna be all mellow...but they just kick it off slow and WHAM start off with my fave song "...Venom"...and Gerard is wearing a priest's collar and the visuals in the background were like stained glass..actually really pretty. They play most of their two albums...including the hits "Ghost of You", "Helena", "I'm Not OK"...and he's kind of a dork...and he gets the crowd to give a nice Jersey "F*CK YEAH!" about a hundred times...anyways...this is fun for a bit...until this little girl comes on that's a friend of his family or something (he taught her to throw 'horns when she was like 2) and he gets the audience to give her a "F*CK YEAH!"...that was just hilarious.

Anyways, Justin had a good time and we got some post show pizza at the Port Authority and my dad picked us up at Union Turnpike...he went to a Rangers/Devils game with our "Uncle Felix" (my Dad's best-non-Asian friend)...

So, I'm home....a little wired but tired...and psyched for the Foozer show tomorrow...wooo...And I got a weekly metrocard...so I've got to go out everyday for 7 days to get the most out of it...anyone got some free time and want to sponsor my broke-arse?

Ok...time to cool down and get some rest. Nite. nite.

AMERICA, F*CK YEAH!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005 11:20 p.m.

Got up at a decent time today. Not too early, not too late. Worked out and finished "Team America"...which was just hilarious and brilliant social commentary. It just skewers both the right and the left...and it was just a well made movie. PUPPETS! The songs were just hilarious. I could seriously listen to them all day. Funny thing is...I knew the montage sequence was coming...and I had just seen the "asspen" episode of South Park...and I thought...wouldn't it be funny if they used the same song...and THEY DID! Just hilarious.

More thoughts on South Park... Season 6 was 2002...so I guess that's the year when Comedy Central allowed the words *avert your eyes kids* "pussy, dick, asshole" to be used on South Park...interesting to note. And of course 2001 was the infamous "shit episode"...so man, there really isn't much left that they CAN'T say... well, in context...that's when it really matters. DISCUSS!

POURING rain today...so I just puttered around until my mom came over. She got her hair done and it was actually really cute. She got a perm that looks kind of like Jean Harlow? Something really old school...not like "80's Asian Lady Perm"...which is awful. We had a late lunch together and I got some Canadian goods from her...mostly cookies. I have such a bad sweet tooth. I really need to be careful and be sure I keep this work out thing going...chances are Doris' wedding is going to be some place tropical. ARRRGH. I have less than a year to get in AMAZING shape. I'm pretty good right now...but come May of next year...it is going to be starvation time. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Picked up Justin from school and I came home and made won ton noodle soup for me and my cousins... and watched more South Park. I just love Butters. He's my favorite.

Also sent my info to interschool.org. They place minority teachers in private schools...so ...hey, who knows. Doris gave me the heads up on that. And tomorrow...I have to contact Princeton Review...see what's what over there.

And MCR/Alkaline Trio concert tomorrow. I actually have stuff to do...wooo.

And when it stops raining...I'm hoping things will really start to get better. Come on, my October theory needs to kick in!

dvdmania!
Tuesday, October 11, 2005 07:21 p.m.

Man, second day that I got up before 9. I'm trying to get back on schedule. Took Justin to the dentist. The rain is just ugh... making me really depressed. Had to wait a long time so I got breakfast at BK and tried the "Enormous Omlet Sammich"...it's got sausage, egg, cheese, and bacon AND Ham...in other words...I'm never having another one again.

Went to Blockbuster to kill some time...and then Hollywood Video where I broke down and got Crash, The Life Aquatic, and The Aviator.

Justin finished with the dentist and then I bought him McD's.... he had a DOUBLE quarter pounder meal and a chicken fajita. He's got an appetite...good thing he is skinny right now. Made me think of a few years back when he was small and chubby...but getting bigger. When we crossed the street he'd still reach out and hold my hand and not even notice it. I was thinking "man, he's getting big"...and now...I just wish I could hold his little, chubby hand now... now he's all wrapped up with someone else...and he's not my baby anymore. Man, I'm gonna totally wuss out when I have kids of my own....guaranteed.

Anyways...he went to school and then I came home and worked out and watched the Life Aquatic...which I loved. Just quirky and weird... subtle humor... and it was a bit of a tearjerker too...kind of surprising.

And yes...Lisa finally emails me back...so I'm not dead to her after all. Then Gloria calls and tells me she got laid off! BUT...she has a job offer already...she said it was in the works before the lay off so it's good timing. She won't even have a severence check before she starts her new job...dang. And yes, she's another one of my friends that is supposedly keeping an eye out for me...eh, we'll see.

Laundry and then I get my delivery of a HUGE stack of dvds... all of which I didn't have to pay a cent for because I sold a bunch of my dvds...so I got South Park Season 6, Firefly, Boy Meets World Season 3, Chrono Crusade 5-7, and Team America...whew...I got loads to watch. WOOO.

Basically, there is no chance of me getting over my dvd addiction...so this whole "recycling" thing works well... by the end of it...I should have the cream of the crop left over...and I'll have traded away all the "ok" dvds I have...and all I have to pay for is shipping which is like nothing. AND with coupons and used dvd prices... I pretty much break even with the trades... good deal. Just needs a little elbow grease.

Ok...I'm kinda beat all the working out and getting up early has me all tuckered out. Hoping tomorrow will bring some nice surprises...ok...time for Team America...I FINALLY get to see it! I've been waiting so long... AMERICA, F*CK YEEEEAAAAH !!!!!

weirdly eventful day...
Monday, October 10, 2005 08:32 p.m.

Ok...got up early and got some crap seats for depeche mode in December... I'm set on bringing a hot girl to this...if not...there's always one of my friends...hahah.

Anyways, I'm hoping I am on the right schedule now. I got cracking and actually finished my Anime Insider article early...so I'm hoping there aren't any rewrites needed for it.

So, I decide to bite the bullet and just apply for this Princeton Review job I saw a few days ago...and lo and behold...less than two hours later they call me. I may have an interview next week. The hiring manager was out today...and they need to schedule...so they'll get back to me Thursday.

And then Marco emails me and tells me that work has been hellacious...and it turns out he is working in the department that I would be interviewing for. sigh. Hey, beggars can't be choosers, right?

But the Lisa thing is bugging me to no end. I don't know why she isn't calling me back or responding to emails or whatever. I'm not sure if she is mad at me for leaving or what. I don't know what is up...and it makes me sad. I thought we were good friends... *sob

Ok...enough of me being a total wuss. Speaking of which....I was IMing with my 'net friend "John"...and he thinks that his friend Ann would "be perfect for you" (menaing...me.) So, Ann apparently has been reading the blog (yes, my deep dark dorky secrets have all been revealed)and I have to say that this is me when I am at my rambling best. Stream of consciousness isn't exactly "cool" ... I mean, c'mon...I have some "game" nawmean? Ok, maybe I don't...but still...I'd like to think I am rather cute and charming in person. Eh...whatever. I can't even fool myself anymore.

So, I'm going to *wave* to Ann and let her see that which maketh the Abe... in all it's utterly geeky glory. Anyone who could like me based on this dreck I post... has got to be cool...or insane...either way, apparently just my type. (ha.)

Speaking of which... Nicole is also on a mission to hook me up with some one from her business school. She seems to be really optimistic...but who knows if she can find someone for me. I'm just floating about on my own here... my time will come...in like 2010 or something...but still.

I'm just not used to Justin coming home so late...he's always going to be my baby...but he's so big now...sniff. Sunrise, sunset...sunriiiiise...sunset.

So, I made a big pot of "leftover surprise" and John inspired me to make some chicken curry...but I had no potatoes or onions...so I used corn. It came out pretty good too.

Ok...I'm tired. And I am so NOT going to watch "Blue Hill Avenue", Eunice. I got anime to watch.

Dang Yankees.

weekend...
Monday, October 10, 2005 12:22 a.m.

Not much going on here. Another sleepless night...turns into a messed up schedule. Up at 2... and all I did was the same old same old...worked out, watched tv, and that was about it.

I'm just frustrated...I feel so stuck and the weekends are tough...my mind races of what I could have been doing...and who I wanted to do them with. I'm tired of remembering. I want to forget all of this. I want someone else to break my heart...so I can forget about this.

Surreal Life finale.... and what Carey Hart went through... similar to me...but not so extreme. I want to be able to go from rock bottom to the top... I just don't know how.

So, I'm hoping and praying for something good to get me through this. I need to luck out and just get a job already. I need to move on with my life. I'm glad I had all this time to work out and get my health in order...and to just relax after all the stress...but I really need to be useful and working. So, anyone have any ideas?

Thank God that no terror attacks...supposedly planned for today...but heck...still got me on edge. I won't have to get on a train until Thursday...but still. Just be careful.

Ok...next week is going to be my 3-concert week...but after that...I'm seriously thinking about going to Old Navy and just working retail. I'm running out of ideas. And everyone knows...no money...no honey.

It's all about the steps. Just trying to get to the first one.

Worst dream ...ever.
Saturday, October 8, 2005 09:11 p.m.

Ok...just more weirdness. So, I think I'm over my insomnia finally because I'm unconscious by 130 last night...anyways...Chris forgets his keys and calls at 445...so I let him in and I can't fall asleep until almost 6. So I'm in and out and I keep thinking about all the stuff that has got me stressed out...lo and behold...I have this terrible, terrible nightmare.

I was watching this show about this family that is being haunted by this demon. They live in a former funeral home in Conn....long story short...I dream about this house...and I am by myself basically...and I know the place is haunted and all this weird stuff is happening...and I'm desperately trying to get to my cell phone because I'm expecting a call...and I just want to get my phone and get out of the house. I finally get the phone...and it's "S" on the other line...and she says "Where were you? I've been waiting since 2." And then I just start to cry...

And I wake up feeling insanely lonely and sad...and I just want to cry... so I get up and it's like 130...and I'm just feeling like crap. It's raining and I can't shake the feeling... it's like reliving something over and over again. It's the horror of realizing that someone is gone and it's over....and having that realization hit you again. Well, you know how I've been re-reading Sandman...this is what I get...

The worst dreams I have are dreams of being reunited with someone and being happy and then realizing that it isn't real...and then when I wake...whatever happiness I felt in the dream was just a twisted trick my mind was playing...and it just HURTS. No words can express that pain of having something that your entire being craves...and then having that disappear. And the saddest thing...is it's happened to me in real life. The dreams are nothing compared to what I lost.

I just want it to be over...I want to get on with my life. If I never hear from her again...then that's something I cannot control. I miss her so much sometimes...and then there are moments when I think it's better this way.

I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of waking up and panicking and having that wave hit me...again and again.

So, I sign on and I get an IM from my friend Nicole right away...and she's like "I've got someone for you!"...HAHAHAHAH! So, there is some girl in her class that likes big cuddly Asian guys...hey, I'm all muscley now...for serious. You just have to feel for yourself.

Anyways...after working out some and eating...I go to the dry cleaners with Chris and we are just SOAKED...as in my boxers are drenched. We get home and are just dripping. Chris likes the rain...I'm indifferent...it can be cathartic...or it can just make you feel like even more crap.

So, I work out more, work on my anime article...and just try to get on with the living. Justin came home after a day with his friends...Chris went out...and Kelvin and Nina are watching a movie now... me, I'm just... I dunno how I feel anymore.

I'm tired of this waiting. But what else can I do? Anyone have any ideas or leads on a job? I'm getting DESPERATE here...

Don't ride the subway tomorrow if you can... on the news they said the attacks were originally planned for Sunday. Besides...it's gonna be pouring.

Well, I'm getting tired...but really, I think I'm just sad.

ugh...
Friday, October 7, 2005 10:13 p.m.

Some funny stuff (not for you if you can't handle obscenities): http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

Just another tough day...could not sleep again... went to sleep at like 4-5ish...and then was up at 9... just groggy and tired all day.

Went to the post office to mail something, picked up some groceries, came home and worked out. Walking home from the post office I just had this overwhelming sense of sadness... and I just felt like...I can't even describe it. It was horrible.

That was it really. It's going to be raining for days...and the terror threats...and the fact that I have no money... it's going to keep me inside for awhile.

I did get commissioned for another Anime Insider article....so that will give me something to do for the next few days. Man, they really make you work for the money. Lots of research.

Weird thing... Doris and Eunice both watched the Killer Jellyfish thing last night! What's going on with the Discovery Channel.

Ok...the Faint makes me want to boogie. But I'm so tired and feeling so out of it now.

Do I want to laugh or cry? I dunno...I'm just loopy. Pray for me. I need it. Help.

wild day.
Thursday, October 6, 2005 11:54 p.m.

Ok first off...this insomnia business must stop. I didn't go to sleep last night...well..at all. I slept from 830 AM to 2:30PM... man...I am so off right now.

Anyways...my folks are taking my grandma back to Canada and then they are going on their little vacation up north. So, they stopped by and dropped off some food and were off. I'm going to be watching Justin until Tuesday. Sad thing is, he has money to go out with his friends and I don't.

Ok...it's official. My grandma has been here for like 3 months and I did not get the "fat talk" once. I am officially not the fattyboombatty of the Chang family! She even told me to eat more! MY GOODNESS. You have no idea... this is the first time in my ENTIRE life that my grandma did not give me the "fat talk"...I am really proud of myself.

Not much else on my end...kept the work out light today...since I'm all off...and then Justin came over late.

Eunice lost a friend of the family...really tragic. Please pray for her and her family friend and those around. It's really tough when people are close and are basically your extended family...so sad.

Romana called and had a bit of stress...long story short she told me that I handle problems like a guy...since I try to solve them. She said she just wanted to call to vent...anyways...I think she is much tougher than she gives herself credit for. She'll be fine.

And it just brought my life into view right now. I'm really proud of myself. I mean, people have killed themselves over less. I went through A LOT...but man, some people have it a lot worse. So, yeah I'm thankful that I'm getting better and getting through this...now the pesky job thing...

I wrote the temp agency last night and spent an hour and a half getting my stuff on Monster updated...so...we'll see.

Saw this thing on Killer Jellyfish on Discovery Channel...my goodness...the box jellyfish is insanely dangerous. Even the tiny ones. Once you get stung...there is no antidote...you just writhe in pain...for who knows how long. It's excuciating, all-over pain. Just every part of your body. This one guy...2 days of constant pain...and the woman..2 WEEKS. Morphine drip! *clickclickclick!

And ok... Kari Byron from Mythbusters...I just think she is the cutest girl. She even wore like a little "Clockwork Orange" outfit once..with the bowler hat and suspenders. Plus she's smart, an artist, and she can build cool stuff... can someone get me her number please? Or like, clone her...and make sure the clone likes Asian guys named "abe" ?

I'm broke, lonely, freaked out (terrorist threats...subway) and just really tired...but I still have faith that things are bound to get better. Amen.

Send some love (or cash) if you can.

108 = eep!
Wednesday, October 5, 2005 09:58 p.m.

YES...finally getting some answers on LOST...so it's all about DHARMA...hmmm... wonder if Greg knows about this... *groan. (I know, I'm a cheeseball.)

Not much going on...still dealing with the insomnia. Stayed up last night and watched some of ROSWELL Season 1... Shiri Appleby and all her doe-eyed lying tendencies...reminds me of someone from back in the day... sigh.

And it doesn't help that I'm re-reading "Identity Crisis" and the character that dies in it is named "S"... I mean, I was telling my friend... when you breakup with someone and you are really out of their lives...they are really "dead to you"...and if they really did die...would you ever know it? Unless you went out of your way to find out... who knows? It's just so sad that there are actual people in my life...who have just scarred me enough...that they are "dead to me"... and yet, I'm always waiting for some sweet resuurection...some hope that it was all a mistake and something can be salvaged. It's sad, believe me...I know.

Yeah, so throwing myself into working out again...and pondering if I should apply to the Princeton Review...there is a job that I am qualified for...but I really do not want to go through the same stuff again...and Lisa...someone that I thought was a good friend once...she doesn't even contact me anymore. I don't know if she's mad at me for some reason...or because I quit and I'm just out of her life... I don't know.

Anyways, I'm still going to go with the temp job idea for now. Just actually have a ton of stuff to do. My folks are taking my grandma back to Canada...so it means I'm going to have to watch Justin until Tuesday when they come back... so...it's extra cooking and cleaning...and worrying...since he goes out with his friends all the time now... sigh...I know what it feels like to have kids.

Urrrgh...so another week is almost over and my schedule is still revolving around my TV watching and how many reps I can do in a day...I'm sorry the blog has been so lame...but hey, it's better than me crying over the keyboard, right?

Yah, excitement is overrated when it's bad drama. But good stuff...yeah, still waiting for it. Ho-hum.

Could use a little love here...anyone, anyone?

Abe is feeling...not much nowadays. :(

waiting...and waiting...
Wednesday, October 5, 2005 12:42 a.m.

Yes...more insomnia. Watched "Hitch" and more Naruto last night... got up at around 11:30 and did the routine of working out, looking for jobs, etc.

Comics are one of my precious joys. If I didn't have the JLA and the Flash to get me through the day...man... life is so much better in four color glory.

Eunice is a real sweetheart for getting Foozer tix for us (Foo Fighters/ Weezer). IT WILL ROCK! GUARANTEED!...it's going to be the week of the MCR and Faint concert...so hey...it's the return of the 3 concert week... last time that happened... my world got rocked with good stuff a few weeks after that...and then the sudden decline a month after that...so if there is any justice and any parallels in this universe... a lot of good stuff is going to happen to me in the weeks after the "three concert" week...and this time they will LAST. I'm hoping that it's the case this time around...

Went home for dinner and talked to Romana a bit on the way... Christin called and we had a nice long chat...the first in awhile...and talked a bit to Amy too. Everyone's got different problems...everyone is in different places in their lives...but we all have hope that God will remain good...and that all the things we've been through...will make us stronger and better people. I really hope that we learn from this difficult year...and that the time we have left...will be spent through wiser eyes.

Honestly, people keep talking about having "Christian community"...well, mine is a little unorthodox since none of us go to the same church... but they are still there for me...and I hope that they pray for me...and that I will continue to pray for them also.

I'm still looking for jobs...still begging God to help me heal my heart...still holding onto the hope that life has meaning and it's been planned out...that it's not all just random, meaningless incidents.

I want to be loved and be worthy of something good and shiny and new.

A bit of good news...my THIRD shipment of my CD goes to Amazon tomorrow. I just wish they let me ship more at a time...at least someone out there is buying my stuff.

Hoping tomorrow has some nice surprises.

analyst + therapist = ?
Monday, October 3, 2005 11:04 p.m.

Well, if you saw Arrested Development tonight...then you know it's "analrapist"...gah, you gotta love that show.

Anyways...sweet insomnia kept me up until 4 am again...and I was up at 11. Worked out, and...um...worked out...and then I swallowed my pride and applied for a job at McGraw-Hill...yup, back to ed. publishing. And I am definitely qualified for the job...and for a reputable company...yes, I don't mind going back into the industry if they create a quality product with the good of the students in mind.

Went home for dinner. Justin is just getting so big...and then I get a voice mail from Grace telling me she quit her job...that explains why she didn't come to the show. I just hope she is ok. Seriously, no need to work if you don't have to.

But for me...I miss the stress and I miss having something to do...I miss feeling useful and not like a burden. I just want to be back at the grindstone and just throwing myself into something that makes me forget the one area of my life that I cannot seem to fix. I just need to get back at it...and move on.

Yeah, I thought about her today...and it hurt. It really hurt for a while...and then I hit the weights and forgot about it. Ahhh...my own personal Fight Club...hurts so good.

I think I really need something to do. I'm going to contact the temp agency soon. If I don't hear from muze, DC, or Mc Graw-Hill...at least I have that.

well...more of the same tomorrow...unless there are some surprises. I'm hoping for something to make me happy...even for a brief moment. Just something to shake up the quotidian with a moment of brightness. Just...something.

showtime.
Sunday, October 2, 2005 11:47 p.m.

Wow...that might have been the weirdest show I ever played...that turned out pretty good.

Spent the day getting ready... rehearsed a few times... got up late again...and went back to sleep...so I didn't have too much time before.

Got to the Delancey at 530 and Anna (the organizer) didn't get there until almost 6. Kinda disorganized. She had a bunch of flyers and a banner so I helped her put up stuff.

Most of the people that came were her church friends... so they were of a certain kind (I guess?) so...talked to a few people and went upstairs for the BBQ. Turns out the Delancey has a free BBQ every Sunday! MAN! The rooftop was just AWESOME...much nicer than the bar and the basement area... really cool space. Trees, koi pond, the works. Gorgeous.

Anyways, I was waiting on line and then Melissa Schwartz comes out! AWESOME! She totally surprised me! We had been emailing a bit before... jsut got back in touch. She looks exactly the same as in high school...still pretty cute. And she brought her friend Yvonne, who had moved from New Orleans right before all this stuff happened. Anyways, Melissa is in advertising right now... talked a bit...but had to get ready for my set.

Yvette came with Brian (her ex or are they back again? ugh....who knows with her.) And Doris came with Karl and Eunice (who lives two blocks away) came too.

Anna warned me that someone might not show up...so I may need to play a longer set...and then she asked if I could play "Amazing Grace" for her to sing...and then her friend ended up singing like 7 songs acapella...and she asked if I could accompany her...without any music or any rehearsal...um...that's asking a lot.

Anyways...her friend sang and there was some weird spoken word thing...and this punk band in the basement starts blaring...so she stops. People were really polite (I guess they were all church friends) when she sang...

Then I go up and add an extra song into my set and try to compete with the band in the basement. Ended up being a really good set. I even did "Cry Me a River" seemed like people liked it...but maybe they didn't get the humor...I dunno. Anyways...I was very proud that I played a 7 song set "off book" I didn't look at my sheet music almost the whole time...and you know how I forget my own lyrics...but I think I nailed it this time...only messed up lyrics for "under lock and key" in one line...but that's because I got distracted.

Anyways...it was for a good cause. I had some friends come...and I sold a CD to a complete stranger. It was cool beans.

And man, talk about God blessing someone...that Anna girl did not have her stuff together ...and it all worked out pretty well. Man, ask and ye shall receive. So, hopefully she gets the funding she need for her missions trip to S. Africa...and for Katrina victims.

Hung out with Yvette and Eunice for a bit...and then Eunice bought me a beer and we chatted. I guess Doris is like my cousin and Eunice is some weird stepsister or something. We shouldn't have any incestuous behavior... that would just be grody.

Eunice bought me a "papa" (mashed potato and beef in a fried chewy thing) and she drove me all the way to Queens...awww. And it was the first time without incident! She tried to drive me home twice before...once we got stuck in the snow...and then another time her battery was dead...but this time...SUCCESS!

Lynn said she was going to bring friends and Grace said she was going to come...wonder what happened? Hmmm...curious.

Anyways... came home and watched "Desperate Housewives"...yes, I'm supergay. And Nina is practicing on a djembe...ugh. I'm sleepy and actually...I feel kinda drunk...maybe that's just tired.

I'm hoping to get some more interviews soon... but honestly, I'm going to contact a temp agency on Tuesday. I just can't sit around anymore...sigh.

So, still hoping that October brings some good things... just hoping that the universe balances out soon.

Yup, another week...here we go.

ho-hum
Sunday, October 2, 2005 12:52 a.m.

Remember my little problem with insomnia? Well, now I'm sleeping at late hours...but getting up late too. I went to bed around 4 and then woke up at 1130...then I watched the Inuyasha movie...and then woke up at 230. There goes a day.

I rehearsed my set twice, worked out a bunch, and ate way too many carbs today. Chris stayed in all day to keep me company...and Nina was home in time for the SNL premiere.

Not much happened... but I'm realizing that I don't get upset much over what's happened...it's this pervading sense of numbness that I can't shake. I just don't feel very much these days...which may be a blessing.

Yes, every once in a while I get that panicky feeling and I can't breathe and I'm scared I'm going to keel over or cry or scream...but then it passes and I go off and do something...usually involving weights or running.

I'm glad that this working out thing is therapeutic...but I really need a job, for practical reasons...and I need to get this broken heart thing behind me.

The weekends are still hard...and it's the worst part of the week...I just don't feel right.

Well, I don't think I will make church tomorrow...but please pray for the benefit show. I hope I don't mess up any words or music too bad...and I hope that the benefit raises some money for the charities.

I just want to be useful again...I just want to feel needed and be able to contribute. I need to not feel like a burden. Well, I guess I'll look into the temp thing on Monday... and just get cracking.

Lord, help me through another weekend.

Archived...and ready for October!
Saturday, October 1, 2005 01:50 a.m.

Ok... I'm still up. Eunice came over and we watched some Family Guy and Mean Girls when Nina came home. I made Eunice a Boca Burger and we just chilled. It's good to have people around.

So it's October. And I've just had so much stuff that's really rocked my world this summer. I think October is going to be when things shift. I'm ready for it.

Yeah, Autumn officially started about a week ago...but I think it really begins now. I'm hoping that I am right and that things do get better from this point on. I'm hoping and praying that I'm right about this. Please do the same for me. I don't think I can take much more of this.

God is merciful and God is good...and He also has a plan. I just hope that I can have the patience and the strength to endure. I've tried my best...the weak person that I am...and I've lived through and learned a great deal this year. I'm still really young and immature about a lot of this...but it gets better every day.

So, kind friends...let's keep going and hoping that the world is a better place come tomorrow.