horrible news...
Thursday, June 30, 2005 09:55 p.m.

This month has just been filled with heartbreak and tragedy. One of my best friends told me that her cousin passed away. I don't know the details...but it's just another horrible thing that has happened this summer. I don't understand the timing of all these things...all I can do is pray for those of us who have met with such things in the past month. It's just so hard to fathom why these things come all at once. Lord, help us. We need some serious healing. Please pray for my friend and her family.

Went to the city with my mom...we met my dad at Montrachet in Tribeca. We had a nice prix fixe lunch and indulged a little. I guess I'm going to try to eat a little more normally again. I've dropped so much weight this month...this week especially. A lot of it has to do with stress and heartache...and a lot of it has to do with just working out as a way to let go of all these things. I want to carve my body into a work of art...and I'm determined that this will be the year I do it.

My dad got the rest of the day off because he donated blood at work today...so he went home to clean up. I went to Times Square with my mom to see if we could get some cheap Bway tix...but nothing seemed worth it. It's still 50 bucks a ticket and a long wait at TKTS...so we decided to sit in Bryant Park and just enjoy the cool down and talk.

She has so many hopes for my future...and I know she is proud of me and supportive. I don't want to let her down. She was reading Wizard and I was explaining the whole comic book world to her...she really thinks that I would be well suited for it...I've read comics my whole life, all my lit study and experience, all my writing skills, my movie and anime love...it would all pay off and be assets if I were able to work at Marvel. I'm praying so hard that I get this job...but I have to be prepared for a Plan B if I don't get this job. I'll most likely know about this next week...so keep praying for me.

We decided to try the lottery system at Avenue Q...but we didn't win...so we headed back and got some groceries for my grandparents...I came home to work out...and tried not to think about her..

Funny thing is...I couldn't go into Bryant Park for the longest time because it reminded me of E...but now...that fades...and the pain of what has happened lately just overtakes it....there are so many places I cannot go...and so many things that remind me of her...it hurts so badly...and all I want is to have her in my arms again. I think she probably received the package today...or will tomorrow...whatever happens...I still think I may never hear from her again...and it pains me to think that it was all a dream taken away too soon. I want our story to continue...but if it doesn't...I'll just have to deal with it day by day...and prayer to prayer.

So much hurt and pain this summer. I hope an end is in sight. I'm just glad that June is over...I hope July brings some good for once...the summers have always been especially hard on me.

Lord, I want this to get better. I want the hurt to end...but these lessons are precious and we learn from each wound. I only pray that we are better people when we look back on all of this.

the restorative power of travel?
Wednesday, June 29, 2005 10:21 p.m.

So, it's almost been a week since it happened...and it's almost been three months since I've been unemployed...and through it all...I've learned so much about myself, about others, and about God.

I was up really early this morning. My mom woke me up and we took the train to Grand Central and were off to Beacon. Upstate New York on the Hudson line...this was something my mother wanted to do for a long time. She used to watch the 4:00 train on the way home. On the Verrazano you can see the train chugging up the river's edge. We took the train to Beacon and a bus to Newburgh...but the torrential rain put a literal wash on our plans for a Hudson River cruise.

So a cup of coffee and some pound cake later...we took the bus back and were back on the train. Took some pics and had a long discussion about relationships, my possible job, and my grandfather writing his memoirs about a crucial point in Chinese history. My mother wants all these good things for me...and she feels that her mother's/woman's intuition is telling her that this will be a pivotal year for me. I can only hope she is right. I love my mom so much...and I know she loves me with all her heart. I am so thankful and grateful for this.

We decided to go watch "War of the Worlds" on 42nd Street...and it was the best summer movie I've seen this year. Just intense and just awesome. I thought it was scary and just pitch perfect. I have no idea what the critics say...but it kept to the spirit of H.G. Wells vision and it was just mind blowing. My only gripe was that the aliens were a little too similar to the ones in ID4...eh...but overall...just great.

Picked up a bunch of comics to do some "research." (Ok, I needed them to take my mind off some things.) And the latest copy of Anime Insider...Issue 22! I am OFFICIALLY a published "journalist." wooo. So where is my check?

Came home to no news...but I wrote Marvel saying that I would likely be out of town until the weekend...and I'm sure they won't get back to me until after the holiday...so I'm going to sit tight and not let the waiting frive me mad.

I started eating a little more normally today...but so much has been on my mind. The hurt and uncertainty threaten to consume me...and the only thing that helps is constant company and prayer. I know that these feelings will fade with time...but for now...it is so difficult. It may be the hardest period in my life thus far. And I know that I just have to be patient and see what the day brings. Things can change on a dime...things can be bleak and change to the brightest, purest light in an instant...whether that lasts...I'm still waiting.

The days are not easy...the nights are worse...and I just know that I need prayer and the support of my friends and family. I want to become a better man from this. And I am working on it. I am working so hard on it. It hurts and I feel so lonely and confused...but I know that there is still hope.

One day...there will be someone for me, a job I can succeed at and love, and a peace and joy that no one can take away. It's a struggle...but that is what makes life interesting. I love life... despite all the hardships...I love every breath and the knowledge that I don't stop changing until my last day on earth. I love the potential in that. And I want to live my life in a way that would be pleasing to God and respectful and loving of all that I meet.

I hope that my friends and family will continue to be blessed...and I hope that I will be happy one day. Thank you all for being there...whoever you are out there in the web...thanks for reading and for all the kind words. I'll be ok...it just takes time.

Tomorrow will be hard...the day after, yes. But eventually I'll be able to smile and know that there are good things in store for me. I might start sooner than expected. Just watch me.

leaving the past behind...
June 28, 2005 11:58 P.M.

So much has happened in the last few days. I still feel this hurt tremendously...but I'll try to recap briefly. The more I talk about it...the more it seems to ache.

We went to a diner and I had like a quarter of my aunt's breakfast...just not in the mood to eat. My aunts, uncle, and the kids all went to Barnes and Nobles for a little bit before we went back to NY. The rain put a damper on any plans of going to the beach again.

The weird thing was...I kept seeing little signs again. The Ms. Pac-Man machine at the diner. I walked over and it was introducing the ghosts...and just when I look at it...it was "Sue"...then on the way home... a care with North Carolina plates was right in front of us in the traffic jam just when we were about to exit...and the weirdest thing that I could never hope to explain...I saw a truck on the overpass on the way home...and it said "Abest Communications" or something like that...but it was clearly "Abest"...

In any case, I went to get a haircut and worked out...and then the family came over for dinner and I could barely eat...and I checked my email to find that she had written back.

It was not good. I'll just summarize by saying that she was mad at me for saying that she hadn't changed, that I wasn't listening to her rationale (which I don't fully understand) and the simple fact was that she just didn't like me. She said whatever we had before was all in my head and that it was nothing...and now it was still nothing. She told me not to write or email. I'm assuming she never made it through my entire emails and she just got caught up in the negatives...it wasn't all just my hurt. I said some very tender things too. And honestly, I can't make any more apologies. Allof that hurt so badly...but I know she wrote that out of anger and frustration. I know she is probably still guided by her emotions and fear. I just hope she doesn't slip back into her old habits...and I will continue to pray for her. I am so hurt and heartbroken...but I won't let this affect who I am. I still love her and care for her. I want what is best for her. And if that doesn't include me in her life, well, I really have no say in it anymore. I don't want to kill myself with the "what-ifs" and the "whys"...the end result is the same. It's over.

I wrote a long letter expressing my final thoughts on this. I just hope she reads it. I want her to know that I want this cycle of anger and hurt to end. If we could ever be reconciled one day...I will wait with open arms. If I proclaim to be a Christian, I will act like one and love her the way that Jesus wants me to. I will learn to forgive her and I hope she can forgive me. I still love her and maybe those feelings will change over time...but I will always care for her. Until my dying day...I don't want to forget the good in her...despite all that has happened. I can only pray that our paths may cross again in kindness.

I didn't get much sleep...I left the tv on all night and I woke up to finish the letter and pick up the pictures of us. I packed it all together...worked out...and my mom was over to take my grandparents to lunch...so she dropped me at the post office.

I prayed over the letter and the pictures. If we could ever be right for each other one day, I leave that door open. If we could ever be friends one day, I would welcome that. If I never hear from her or see her again...well, that's a burden I will have to bear. I know that if we both proclaim to be followers of the same faith, then we will see each other one day. But by her actions thus far, I can only hope that she will be healed. I forgive her...I'm trying so hard to. And I will always, always care for her. Despite what has happened and everything, it's what I should and want to do.

And if the lesson I am supposed to learn from having this happen to me over and over again is that...I shouldn't let these things affect me as a person. I should remain true to my integrity, to my beliefs, and to who I am. I should stick to the way I've led my life and not be ashamed and propelled by the way the world works. I will not be consumed by anger and pity and sorrow. I will use this to better myself and in turn, better those around me. I want to be a better man for my own sake, for my friends and family, for the one I should love, and for God's glory. I know this now.

Afterwards, I went into the city and got some comics and the first MCR CD that I've been looking for. Then went to Azaleas to see the Cindys. Cindy had to go to Tiffany's (I wonder why...) so we didn't have much time...but we took the train together and talked a little. I really wish I had more time with her. I'll have to wait until Christmas then.

Stopped by Grace's place for the first time. Such a nice place. She was a little jetlagged from her trip through Vietnam, Thailand, and Hong Kong. She even got a chance to go to church in HK and the sermon seemed to really apply to her. In any case, we talked for awhile and I discussed a lot of this with her. I know that I need to pick myself up and not feel worthless. It is a sin, it is the devil whispering lies... I know I am worthy of love and success. I know that God wants what is best for me. That all these things are happening for a reason...and in due time I'll be able to look back and see why these pieces of my life had to be moved in these directions. It is so painful to go through all of these disappointments. It injures me so much, but I know that God has a purpose and a plan...and he feels my hurts. In the end I know that He will redeem me. That's the whole point, you know? We are flawed and sinful...and one day we will be made whole. It's just getting there...that's the really hard part.

So, I think I matured a lot and I've grown. I have hope in the future. I want this Marvel job so badly...and I'm praying for good news. But I know that God has a plan for me...no matter what occurs. I need to be unwavering. I need to be strong and learn from this. I need to want to become better and better. I know some good will come out of all of this. I just need to be patient and wait for it to come.

Going on a day trip with my mom tomorrow. Then, maybe Boston for the weekend. We'll see. I'm still praying for healing, praying for her. Please pray for me and for her...I think we both need it. And I'm still holding out for good news on the job front. Please keep that in your prayers also.

And to all my friends who are reading this. I'm sorry I can't thank you all individually, but know that I love you and appreciate all the support these past few days. It's been so hard, but your calls, prayers, and concerns really make it better.

With that said... I don't want to talk about that anymore. I want to bounce back from this quickly....I want to get better and better. Amen.

how am I supposed to feel?
Sunday, June 26, 2005 10:35 p.m.

things are just starting to blur...I talked to Cindy last night and she said a lot of things that made me sad...sometimes girls just make up their minds about someone...they may regret it later...but who is to know. Sometimes things just happen...and they realize that they just don't like the guy enough.

And no matter how much I want this all to be a big mistake...I can't help but feel that it is hopeless. You have no idea how much I want her back...how much I just want to start over and be strangers again...but I have to treat this like it is the last time I will hear from her...and it is killing me so much inside.

I had hopes...I admit it...I really hoped that this was when the healing was finally going to begin...and to have a taste of joy and to have that yanked away so fast...it's become the worst pain that I have yet to face.

We went to Great Adventure this morning...do you have any idea how it feels to go there depressed? I was on Skull Mountain, Batman, Batman and Robin...and just barely felt a thing...I was just numb... I don't know how I'm going to get out of this...but it's not going to be easy.

After we ate...almost all the rides looked shut down...it was just too hot and I think a lot of them overloaded...so we all went to the beach...at around 2:00

Down by Brinkley Beach on the Jersey shore...It was just so much cooler ...it was chilly actually. But walking along the shore, looking out at creation...I just prayed my heart out asking God for deliverance from all of this.

If there is any chance that we can be reconciled...I want her back more than anything...no conditions, no labels, no requirements...I just want her in my life again...

I don't know if I can handle the fact that we can never be together...but I don't know if I can live without ever seeing her again, hearing her voice, just knowing that I can talk to her... I don't know a worse pain...knowing that I can never have her...or knowing that she is gone forever.

It hurts so much and I can only hope in the days and weeks that go by...that I'll start to feel less and less...and that people come and take care of me...I just feel so broken and exhausted at this point. I'm so tired of crying at the oddest times...I just want to be back to normal... I wish I could have joy again...but that seems so far away.

I hope I can sleep tonight and that the nightmares will be mild...Please pray for me...I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.

how can I feel worse?
Saturday, June 25, 2005 06:20 p.m.

I'm at my aunt's house in Jersey right now...and I just feel so worn out and exhausted. Mentally, emotionally , spiritually and physically drained. I'm still stunned at all that's happened in such a short time...and I just plain...hurt. This feeling in my chest won't go away and I've never felt this kind of lingering sadness.

I just want to hear from her...that she's taking time to think and not being so quick to end this. It doesn't make any sense. I'm starting to have nightmares again...and I can't sleep for a very long time...I keep waking up and feeling really upset.

I keep praying and praying...and last night when Eunice came over and we sat in the pizza store...it was so nice of her to come over...but it didn't make me feel any better. And when Doris called last night...I just bawled and bawled to her... it hurts so much that I can't see anymore. My eyes are so red and tired from just crying...

And the kids make me feel a little better...Niu just gave me the cutest hugs...but it's just temporary. Slept next to Justin and Niu and Chi were all sprwaled out in the living room with me. It helped to not be alone...but I still feel like I've been so abandoned. I'm so scared of being alone with my thoughts now...If I'm not talking to someone or if someone isn't around...my mind wanders and I just wince.

Went shopping with my Mom all day for stuff for Justin's ROTC camp. Just a bunch of stuff...I just felt like I was on auto pilot all day...just numb and sad.

Supposed to go to Great Adventure tomorrow...but truth be told...I don;t really want to. I am just heartbroken and feeling so alone right now...I'm just not in the mood for that.

And how do I feel better? How do I get out of this? Time is the only thing...and prayer...and feeling loved again.

I want her back in my life. I can't deny that...but if she decides that she is going to disappear for good...well, this might be the greatest tragedy I've known in my life. It's never better to have loved and lost...I really would have preferred to have never known.

Can someone take away this feeling in my chest? It's choking me and I don't know how to make it stop.

the day after...
Friday, June 24, 2005 8:30 p.m.

I think I actually feel worse today. I broke down and cried a few times...praying. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take...the lump in my throat and the stone in my chest doesn't seem like they want to move.

I barely got any sleep and left the tv on last night. I hope I don't get back into that bad habit again. I'm just not going to be ok for a long while. This pain is unbelievable and this numbness....it creeps in when I feel like I am about to cry.

I finished both Marvel scripts by around noon and sent them in. I think I did a good job on both of them...but I can't really tell considering the shape I am in.

I wrote her another email about the things I thought about last night. I really meant every word...and I pray that if there is a chance at reconciliation...it will happen. I don't want this to be the end. I want her in my life so badly. Maybe we aren't right for each other now...maybe we won't ever be right...but this aborted attempt just came so suddenly and without real cause. It was all her fickle heart and her impulsive nature to run away...again.

And I am fool for waiting for her with open arms. I don't know if I can ever shut the door. Until someone else comes along...someone that can love me the way I deserve to be loved. Someone whowants all that I can offer....then there will always be a hole in my heart that is shaped like her.

Sabrina called and I just bawled to her on th ephone. I don't know what it was...maybe because she thinks so highly of me...and I feel so small right now...I feel like I've disappointed everyone...especially myself. I can't help feeling that there is something wrong with me. This happens to me repeatedly...and the only common denominator in all those broken relationships...is me.

I know it wasn't my fault...I know there wasn't anything that I did wrong this time. At least I believe so...all I know is that I feel worthless at this point. This is the new low...I've sunk beyond rock bottom.

Not eating...working out today...trying to fast and pray and just lift this all up to God...my spirit, my soul, my body...it's been in prayer today...asking God for a change in her heart...asking God for another chance at this.

I know that in hindsight this all will make sense...but I cannot see anything now...I'm living moment to moment and just trying to block it all out. My heart is in so much pain...my body is a wreck...and I just don't know how to make it better.

Watching the Sopranos made me so sad...I see some parallels in the relationships on that show...and with what happened...the unstable, destructive habits...returning after all that's been said. Was it all lies? Was it just a sudden realization? I don't know what to say.

Eunice is on her way over to keep me company for a bit. Chris has kept me company since he's been home...and Eric is coming home for a wedding. Thank God for my friends and family.

Please pray for me. PLease pray for my job prospects at Marvel...it's the one thing that I still have some hope for. And pray for her...that her heart might find it's way back to me. That there might be a chance that we can salvage this. If there is any hope in this...I leave it in God's hands and in my prayers...and yours.

Thank you for caring. I need your love and support more than ever...I can't go on like this by myself.

it's over.
Friday, June 24, 2005 12:44 a.m.

Just like that. She broke up with me over email. She said she got freaked out at the show when she realized that she could never see herself with me. That she could never have those feelings for me. She said that she tried and prayed about it...but I don't know if I believe her. Looking back on all the things she said...were they all lies? Was she trying to convince herself that this time we could work things out?

I don't know if she is being a scared little girl and feeling smothered...she was the one that called me ten times a day...she was the one that said we could try again. Was she that uncertain? Why had this month been so good?

Yes, I did see some warning signs. So many things that reminded me of Esther...so many things that I thought I did right this time. I gave her all the space she needed...but she wasn't ready for anything that had the possibility of being serious. She was scared and in her email...she made it sound so final. She could never have romantic feelings for me...she could never imagine herself with me...and she said that this would never change.

I don't know how the mind and heart of a girl works...but I suppose all the things she said were not connected. She said so many things that convinced me she was serious about this...and like a fool...I let her in and believed her.

Please don't beat me up about this. I am ashamed and humiliated beyond belief. After all this time...after all we had been through...I was convinced that we had a second chance to make this right...that God was on our side this time and that it would work.

There is so much I want to say...but all I can think of is how all my memories of this past month will be tainted forever. I may never hear her voice or see her face again. I may never kiss her or hold her hand again...never hear her laugh again...and it destroys me. My heart is thoroughly broken and that part of me died.

I always thought that she was the love of my life...that she was the standard I held everyone to...that she was going to be the one in the end...after all the drama and tragedy...I thought it would be different this time.

But right on time...just about a month...she freaks out and disappears...and this time it is especially cruel because we were finally together...and I believed. She was in my arms and now they are empty and I am broken again.

I know I can't blame myself. I was fooled and I was a fool. I know I could have given her everything...i could have been so good to her...but she wasn't mature enough and she just couldn't find it in herself to love me. She rejected everything I am...and I am stunned by this.

How am I going to pick myself up again? How do I deal with something like this. I prepared myself for the worst...and I knew that something like this could happen...but when it does...and so soon and so cold...it hurts like nothing I have ever experienced.

Everyone tells me I am such a great guy...then why can't anyone love me for who I am? Why can't I find someone who won't play games and will just accept the fact that a good guy exists in this world? Why do we want what is bad for us?

And maybe she wasn't the right one for me. Maybe we could never fit together...but I loved her nonetheless. Her name was Soo Mi Choe...I loved her for years and now I finally lost her.

There is nothing in my power that can sway her heart. I want this all to be a nightmare and I can wake up and find her there smiling. I want this to be some cruel joke and that she's ready for me finally. I want to be with her so much that I am about to burst. But this anguish is real...and I feel myself decaying inside.

How many more times must this happen until someone realizes that I am worth being loved? How much heartache must I endure until I can find some kind of lasting happiness on this earth.

I believe that God has the best in store for me...but these trials are getting to the point where I cannot bear them anymore. My heart is way too tender for someone of my build. I've done all I could to live a good life and believe in my God. These tests have broken me to the point where I feel like I have nothing.

I don't know what will happen next...everything is a blur and I feel so numb. I cried in the shower before and my voice is all cracked...I wrote her possibly my last email...and just let it be that.

I don't want this to be goodbye...but it might have to be. I have no control over this. I can only try to survive and be as strong as I can... it's so hard and I feel like I'm just slipping away.

I loved her so much and for so many years...and now...it's over. This could finally be it...and with that...I mourn. I mourn for all that was and all that could have been. I'll have to stop here or I'll just lose it.

So, please...no "I told you so's" ...I knew the risks and I took them...and I lost. I lost so much...much more than I think I can handle at this point.

Please pray for my tender heart. Pray that I might find some solace and comfort in the coming weeks...it will be so hard to not hear her voice...but I endured before...and I know that I will have to again.

And the sad thing was...the night of the show when we said goodbye...I swore it looked like she was saying goodbye to me forever.

And she dreamed about the number 23...how it was so prominent in her dreams...and I told her that 23 was always a number I associated with bad luck or ill omen... Today is June 23rd... I wonder if she was subconsciously planning this all along.

I talked to Doris, Eunice, Romana, and my brother about this..they are all angry...but I'm the one that has to deal with this. I went for a walk with my mother and she just told me a lot of harsh realities...about how women are so fickle and that it is so hard to move their hearts, about how I am so great and that someone would be lucky to be with me, even if you do all the right things...if it's not the right person...nothing will move her. It almost made me cry...but my heart is broken already and I'm still in shock.

My friend finally called and talked a bit about how she was doing and about the circumstances of her sister's death. Right now...no one knows for sure...but it looks like it was accidental or she died in her sleep from some ailment or night injury. I'll keep praying for her and hers...I know that my pain and hers cannot compare...but the timing of it... it's just been so awful. I was just so hurt that I could barely speak to her.

And the scripts for Marvel are almost done. I'll have to touch them up a bit tomorrow...I hope I'm able to do it...I have to do this. It's the one thing that I still have some hope for... I may not have the girl anymore...but maybe I can have the job... though I would trade one for the other if I could... I'm an idiot.

And Justin got his crew cut for his ROTC camp today. I'm still a little worried about him going...he's still my baby.

So many things going on in this life...and this one huge hurdle injures me at the lowest point in my life. Maybe it would have been best if we had never spoken...maybe it would have been better never to have known such joy and excitement...only to have lost it so soon.

I need someone that will love me for who I am...and who is just ready to take something like this in a mature fashion. S said that she prayed about it and thought about it and was sane...and she wasn't running away from the "nice guy"...so basically...she was saying she just couldn't find it in her heart to ever love me.

Now how do I ever fight that?

I hope I can sleep tonight. I will go to the Lord in prayer...and I hope things will be better in the morning.

I may need a good cry...I may need a lot more than that.

I just want to fast forward and see what all this was supposed to teach me. I just want to grow up and realize that this was all meant for something greater.

But for now...the pain is real, it cuts so deep...and I am in need of healing.

Keep me in your prayers. Thank you for being a friend.

why am I feeling this way?
Wednesday, June 22, 2005 10:50 p.m.

I don't know what is wrong with me...but I just feel so depressed these past two days. I don't know if it's the fact that I have so much time on my hands now that the show is done...or if I am feeling the pressure of not having a job...whatever it is...It's driving me nuts.

I did get TWO scripts from Marvel today. Both are super secret and confidential...and one of them is actually really good. I have to get my notes in on Friday. I'm actually almost done with one...and I read the other one. So, I'll add my notes to that one tomorrow and spend Friday reviewing.

I'm also a little stressed because S has been so busy at work and after...she has all these company functions etec...and this is the first weekend we won't see each other. I'm just afraid that we will start talking less and less and seeing each other less...to the point where it will be "out of sight, out of mind" for her. I don't need to spend all my time with her or talk to her all the time...but it's the beginnning...and I don't feel like things are solid yet. I don't want to start panicking like I did with E...because things are different...but are they really? Who is to say she isn't going to freak out and just run away again? I'm never, ever sure...and it's just such a burden on me... I think it's all the free time I have to think also.

And things with my friend are ok...she sent me an email today...so I think we are fine...but what I really worry about is our mutual friend...still haven't heard from her and I just grow increasingly concerned. I'm just worried about how she is holding up in a time like this.

Working out helps, writing helps, but I haven't been sleeping well and my mind just won't shut off.

So, please pray for me and my crazy brain. It's just so dumb...why can't I just be happy and not worry so much! It's a sin, really. I'm a bakaidiot.

woke up this morning...
Tuesday, June 21, 2005 10:41 p.m.

and things just went downhill from there. I have this weird "post-partum" depression thing that always happens after I play a show...I always criticize myself and get upset for screwing up...for not having enough people show up...or for not selling enough CDs...

Woke up super early at like 7:15...called S on her way to work and she sounded ok... and then made myself go back to sleep...woke up at noon and worked out.

Spent most of the day cleaning up and watching Sopranos Season 2... sometimes I feel like Tony Soprano...I'm a bear and a pussycat at the same time... which might explain my moodiness today.

I'm going to be officially out of money this Friday...and it terrifies me...I may have to dip into my savings...or figure some way to get some quick cash...in any case...it just really made me feel like crap.

Not too mention...having just irrational fears about S... I mean...why am I so filled with doubt when things are going well? I might not see her this weekend because she has plans with the girls and she should study...and I'll be at my aunt's...but still...I'm just worried that she will turn around and run from me... am I nuts? Am I right? What's going on? Why do I feel like this when I have no real reason too?

These doubts and fears just compounded when I spoke to a friend today about what was happening to a mutual friend...we just completely disagreed on something and I was just insanely upset. You can't expect empathy from everyone...especially when there is something personal involved...I mean, sometimes people just see things differently...and it just boggles my mind sometimes...but that's how it is. Clinical or personal? I don't know...but I was just really emotionally involved in this situation... in any case...I'm just confused, a little angry...but ultimately...it's not about me... or my friend...but what our mutual friend is going through...urrrgh...being vague here.

In any case...I am just all over the place and moody today...it's a full moon...so maybe that explains some of the wackiness...but still. Why am I sooooo femme...and then soooo butch sometimes?

Still waiting on the next Marvel script...just driving me bats...all this waiting...urrgh.

Just a bad day...I want it to be over... I pray tomorrow is better. Lord, give me strength.

what a day!
Tuesday, June 21, 2005 01:14 a.m.

Dang...what a day...got word from Marvel that they are going to send me another script...a supersecret one that I had to sign a non-disclosure agreement for...it's for an unpublished comic...eep...so I'm getting closer and closer to a job there. I really, really need one...Lord, help me. Weird thing is...I got another email from "Jim McCann" from...1800flowers...and one from "Jim McCann" from Marvel...isn't that weird???

Went to Flushing for lunch with my folks and to fax over the NDA...and then came home to rehearse some more.

Got ready and went to the LES...we were early and walked around...S called me crying because her boss wanted her to stay longer...and she might be late for the show...poor girl.

Anyways...got to Pianos and the sound there was...eh...but people started showing up...here's who I remember: Doris, Karl, Eunice, Bart, Tia and bfriend, Kathleen and friend, Yvette, Kumud, her bfriend, Lynn, her friend, Serena, Erik, Ming, and 2 friends, Nancy, Charles, friend, Lucia, Joan, Dad's coworker, my folks, my two aunts, uncle alan, alex, chris, justin...and then S came with her roommate Joanne...

Played my set and I think I sounded pretty good...a few hiccups...but it was ok. Sold a few CDs and that was that...it was finally over. PIANOS! woooo! CD...done! wooo!

I told my family to leave because S was starting to freak out...and they did disappear...and then friends started to trickle out...i even signed a few cds...so funny.

S stayed at the bar with Joanne...and I introduced her to Doris, Eunice and their crowd...S was just clinging to me and hiding behind me...so cute! Doris thinks S is hot. ahhaha!

Then Doris told me she was moved by my music...which meant a lot to me...and I might even play at her wedding...wow.

Anyways...left with S and Joanne to Opus...Joanne is part owner of a lounge...and we had a few drinks...and I knocked a glass of wine on Joanne! EEEK! Sorry...S was acting a little distant because of her roommate being there...but we had fun...PDA was kept to a minimum...in any case...we just hung out and listened to music and talked to the other owners...

Might not see her this weekend because she has something to do with her girls...but we'll see. I just don't want her forgetting about me...sigh.

Dropped me off at the train station and a quick hug...and then...I'm home.

What a crazy day...glad it's over...wish I sold more CDs...but I guess I'll have to play more shows...dang...thank You, Lord! Now onto the next challenge.

Sunday...
Sunday, June 19, 2005 07:22 p.m.

Urrgh...I'm just exhausted...got up and out to church...took the train in with Chris. I was actually a bit late...and the guest speaker was talking about the cost of following Jesus...kind of a general message. But still stuff that I needed to hear.

Went to the comic store nearby...but they were closed. So I was texting S back and watching the puppies at the pet store when I ran into Paul Kim from Stuy and his gfriend. Caught up a little...but the weird thing is...he reminded me of when I ran into him when he was a waiter at some place that I went to with S...I ran into him after that at the 5 year and he said "dang, that girl you were with was hot"...I always remembered that...it was in 99-00 too. And now he lives in the same neighborhood as S does in Jersey...that's just so weird... another one of those "coincidental" moments.

When I got home and was about to take a nap...S called and told me about church and how the sermon applied to us...it was about how God wanted Moses to take the longest path...instead of a shorter road because even though the road was long and hard...he needed to experience all those hardships in order to preserve the main goal in the end... not living a "life of mediocrity" but striving towards a common goal. Sometimes the shortest path of least resistence is the road that leads to ruin...maybe the long hard road is the one that leads to something that lasts...

Anyways...she's at her cousin's wedding now and it turns out this girl I knew is the MOH! weird...I bet I know a few more people there...she was worried that she was going to freak out by seeing a lot of hs people...but so far she is ok.

Saw my grandpa briefly for Father's Day...but my dad is at Mohegan Sun with my mom and Justin... and yes, Our Heavenly Father...give thanks and praise. Amen.

HA...ma just called now...folks are on the way home and there is pizza and chicken at home. Guess I'll be going over soon.

I'm just beat... but I'm on the Pianos frontpage right now...and yet...still no news from them...sheesh.

More tonight or tomorrow. *UPDATE*

Ok...another weird thing... S just told me the name of the bride...it's "Esther Kim"... can you believe that? And totday...I talked to a "Paul" ...which was S's ex's name...isn't that just bizarre?

another great day with her...
Sunday, June 19, 2005 02:11 a.m.

Got up at like 8:30 and got ready for S...she got up a bit late and didn't make it until 1:00...but boy, was I just glad to see her. She just gets more and more gorgeous everytime I see her...sigh.

She was so sweet today...she bought me cologne! She got me Chanel Egoiste AND Escada and a bunch of samples... so cute. She wanted me to smell good for her...and she just doused me with it.

We stopped in at Starbucks and had another one of those weird "coincidental" moments. S went to the bathroom while I went to get our frapps...and then when she came out...she was so weirded out because there was a Chinese lady with her little boy in the bathroom...and his name was "ABRAHAM"...S even stayed in there to make sure she heard right...how weird is that? what are the chances?

Then we ended up driving to LI and went to Cheesecake Factory for lunchand it was great...we just crack each other up all the time and then went to see Batman Begins...she LOVED it...I was so glad she liked it so much...and she could talk intelligently about the movie too. Just a really great movie... but S has this weird habit (similar to Doris) when she watches a movie she tends to hurt me...she grabbed my hand and was just squeezing it so tight and pressing on my thumb until it was white or digging her nails into my palm...I don't think she even realized how hard she was doing it... I think it's cute...but painful!

Came home and made Chris take pics for us...I think they will be really cute...all these cute poses...even one where she was sitting on my lap! hahahha...

Then we were thinking about going to the city...but ended up going back to Cabana for some appetizers and drinks...she told me about her dad and her stepbrothers and sister for the first time... I told her that if there were things that her dad couldn't provide her... I wanted to provide for her...and she would never have to worry about my loyalty...

Afterwards...we walked back to the car and it was PDA overload...adorable. Kissing her goodbye is getting harder and harder.

Nina was home for the weekend for Roseann's bridal shower...and when S called...she said hi to Nina... and then I checked my email and S sent me an e-card... our one month one...basically saying that things were going well and it has been sweet...and we should look forward to the future. Just a wonderful day.

Did get an email from my friend... seems like they are not sure what happened to her sister...could it be accidental? Not sure of details. Will have to email when I am more mentally awake...just so sad...plese continue to pray for them.

what a long day...need to get up early for church and rehearsing...and Father's Day stuff...

Lord, thank You... I am just grateful and glad to be alive.

days seem different...
Friday, June 17, 2005 10:18 p.m.

Was on the phone with S for hours last night... just really made me feel a lot better about what was going on with my friend...she just knows the right thing to say...and also helped me forget for a little while... she wants me to call her "pumpkin" or "kitten"...I'm still kind of stuck on "yodi"...

Got up early...worked out, ate, rehearsed...sat around waiting for Marvel to call...but it looks like no news until next week? I'm just starting to freak out and worry now...if I don't get this job...I really have no idea what I should be doing next...Lord, help me.

Got a call from my mom telling me I had to go babysit Niu...she was home by herself and was freaked out...so I rushed over and kept her company...went and got her ice cream and went to the park...sat on the swings and just watched her run around with her weird gossipy friend Daphne... that girl just talked and talked...rode her bike away and came back and talked and talked.. kids these days!

Went to Dunkin Donuts and had a coffee and Boston Cream...niu had half a donut...but really she was just sucking the cream out of the middle...so funny.

Went back and my mom and my aunt and chi came home...and he finally cut his hair! Looks so much better short! He finally cut it because he was getting a heat rash on his scalp from all the mad scientist hair he grew! hahahah...but it really, REALLy looks better short.

Went to Flushing with my Mom and went to the CPA...he wants me to get in on a seminar thing with him where I would teach essay writing and he would talk about how to apply for financial aid...I was like...well, my credentials are good...and he was like "I don't care about fucking credentials! Do you have a marketing approach?" I was shocked...but I kept my cool and said...the only way I would do it if it was with integrity and my credentials and work experience mean a lot to me...if I can help kids...then yes, but I'm not going to write essays for them...or help them cheat...ugh!

Anyways...Justin came up and we met up with dad for some Taiwanese food...he can be such a jerk sometimes...I always think it is important to be nice to waitstaff because they could put crap in your food! Sigh...

Went to get some shaved ice and ran into Lazan...he's opening a "Q.Q. Crepe" store...Taiwanese chain...but they aren't really crepes...they are like waffle cone material/cookie material...not very good...but we wished him luck...and he's moving near my folks, where Chris and Nina used to live...man, he grew up...and he's doing well..."shao long long"...

My dad and Justin are just at that weird stage...I totally understand...but Justin seems like he's in ...ultrabrattyteenager mood lately...were we ever like that?

Anyhooo...S had a long day at the company picnic/volleyball tourney...her arms are all red...and then she had to run all these errands for her cousin's wedding...going to the mall, going to the tanning salon, getting her nails done... I'm really glad that she is girly like that...I really find that attractive...and just awfully cute.

I wish she'd surprise me and just show up at my doorstep...but I know she's tired...and I'll see her bright and early tomorrow...this once a week thing is...ok...but I really wish I could see her more often...yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder...but out of sight out of mind...if we didn't talk CONSTANTLY...I'm not sure how I'd be...or how she'd be...but I know we are steadily growing closer.

Still haven't heard from my friend in Boston...I just want to know how she is doing...I want her to be ok...but I'm sure things will be really rough for awhile... who knows how long. I'll keep praying for her...please keep her in your prayers also.

I told Romana about it...and she got really upset. We are just both really emotional and empathetic people...others are just very rational and even cold "people should be more aware of mental illness" and the like...yes, that is true...but their is that time of mourning and just feeling for the loved ones left behind...I can't even imagine what a huge burden something like this must be... oh, Lord...show mercy and grace at a time like this...I really pray for the Parks ... please be with their family and friends.

What a weird week...all my problems seem so insignificant...and yet, I'm holding onto every moment, onto life, that much more tightly. Every breath should be sweeter... count your blessings, give thanks. Amen.

Have a good weekend. Tell your loved ones how you really feel. No shame in that.

loss for words...
Thursday, June 16, 2005 08:26 p.m.

I don't even know where to begin...my brother called me while I was in Ikea with my mom...and he told me that my best friend's sister in Boston...committed suicide.

I'm not sure what to say...are there any words of comfort? I just broke down in Ikea...holding onto a rack...more so for her and her family. I only met her sister a few times...but my best friend there...well, I can't say much...but maybe I am too empathetic...but I can only imagine how she is feeling right now.

I was a little upset because my mom seemed really cold about it..."life goes on" and all that crap that I didn't really need to hear...but ...I just don't know what to say.

I left a message and I'm waiting to hear from her.

It was just a normal day...I worked out, rehearsed, got a little stir crazy and went to Ikea with my mom and picked out a few things...and then the call.

S was cute today...I didn't call her all day just to see how she would react...and then she was like "did you call" someone picked up her line and hung up on "some guy"...which was probably a co-worker calling...in any case...she was cute about it...

It just makes me sad that all these good things in my life...I'm going to find it hard to share...and hard to feel a lot of things because of what is going on with my friend. This really does change everything...and I call her every few weeks...and the last time we talked things were so good. I even looked at a pic of her graduation from her Master's program today...a mututal friend sent me a pic... she looked happy there.

I hope she is ok...all I can offer are my prayers and my time. I can go up to Boston on Tuesday if need be...I just want to be there for her.

Please pray for her and her family at this very difficult time. It means a great deal. It's terrible...and it's so hard to know what to say at the moment...but I'm there for her...as much as I can be. I just want to hear from her soon.

ok...false alarm...
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 11:04 p.m.

Sheesh...she really can scare the crap outta me...but when she called again...things were fine...we just started kidding around and making fun of each other for the freak out... things are ok.

Going to see her on Saturday and maybe Monday...still not too sure about that... but we are going to spend July 4th weekend together and just hop around the city or Jersey or something.

But you are right...the gushing stops...and to be honest...I gush here more than I would ever do to her in real life. ...but yeah, she is just a girl and I am jsut a boy... trying to take this slow.

And then she jokes around about us having a Star Wars wedding where she would have danishes in her hair and we'd get married by "Yodi"...sigh. The stuff that goes on in her head.

Was she just tired from before? Was she testing me? Or is she just a nut bag? I'm not sure at this point...but I'm definitely going to watch out.

So, yes..Abe is going to get butch. Have to be on my toes about this. Lord, help me.

the first bump in the road...
Wednesday, June 15, 2005 07:09 p.m.

Ok... I blame a lot of this on what is going on in my head...but at the same time...urrgh..it's out of my hands.

I watched "Abre Los Ojos" and "Vanilla Sky" and both movies just tear me up...enough about that...brings back a lot of fears and memories.

Had to bring Justin his ROTC stuff...so while I was out I picked up some guitar equipment...

And here is where things get weird...S is apparently having a bit of a freakout where she thinks things are moving too fast...and it just brings back all these weird thoughts...and if anything...I want to do this right.

She doesn't want labels...so we aren't "boyfriend/girlfriend"...but we discussed that already...and she doesn't want me to call her "honey" anymore...so I'm not sure what she is thinking. Albeit she is really tired and hungover from her office outing last night...

In any case...we talked a bit and will talk some more later...but in the end I think things will be ok. We are still getting "reacquainted" and she is still dealing with all these girlie issues and wanting us to feel comfortable.

She says I am good for her and I'm what she needs...but at the same time she wants to take things slow... even if she is inconsistent...I'm just going to abide by it and not gush and not say so much anymore. If it makes things better in the long run...than it is all worth it.

But I have the deepest fears and doubts about all of this...it seems so familiar and new...and if I have learned anything...it will work out in the end.

I want this to work so badly...and it will take time and patience...but I need to be strong. I have this voice in my head telling me to run...but I'm not. I want to see this through and I want us to be together. Girls go nuts all the time...this I know...I can't control how she feels or what goes through her head. I just need to be myself and deal with it one day at a time.

I want her to come to my show on Monday...but I'm thinking it might not be the best idea since all of this is coming to a head. I don't want my friends to grill her and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable...and I don't want to feel uncomfortable either. My friends and family will be there...and ack...that combination might send her running.

Sigh...I need to pray about all of this and just let things happen as they will. I am SO stressed out about this, about Marvel, about the show...I just don't want to lose all these great possibilities.

I was just starting to feel optimistic about things...and now...I'm just filled with doubt and fear. Lord knows, I need help.

I want this to work...I want all of it to work. It's in God's hands...I want to have faith that whatever is ahead is for the best. ...but how much faith do you need to conquer your fears? When is the lucid dream better than reality?

Open your eyes.

so flippin' hot...IDIOT!
Tuesday, June 14, 2005 09:53 p.m.

Oh man...another one of these days where I just don't feel like doing anything. Just so hot. I worked out, ate, rehearsed talked to S...that's all.

Talked to Sabs for a bit...and found out that I won't be going to Seal's wedding because my invite was lost in the mail and it's too late to make the head count...oh well.

Ran some errand for the grandparents... went home for dinner.. Dang..Michael Jackson is innocent and Phil jackson is back with the Lakers?

Been dizzy all day...and S went to Yankees game with her co-workers and drunk dialed me like 3 times to say hi to her drunk friends...so cute...and so alkie.

Trying not to bite my nails off waiting for news from Marvel...I've basicaly given up on hearing from Pianos...I'm just gonna wing it that night...sigh. Ugh.

Sleepy...hopefully it won't be so hot tomorrow and I can go into the city and run some errands.

gah...so hot.
Monday, June 13, 2005 11:25 p.m.

So I didn't leave the apartment all day...and probably won't tomorrow. it's just so hot and I feel so lazy.

I did work out and rehearse...and spent most of the day watching "America's TOp ModeL"...yeah...Shannon, Elyse, and Adrienne are hot.

other than that...talked to Romana a bit... seems like she had a rough day...and Chris was being whiny and annoying...:P

talked to S and things got a bit serious and "chihuahua" ...the past rears it's ugly head...but we did say a lot of things that needed to be said...in any case...I did find out that when we were both babies..we used to rub our mommy's earlobe when we were sleepy or just needed comfort.

just a lot of stuff I still need to say to her...it's been a month since she's been back in my life and I want things to continue for months, years, forever...

that's about it for today...another scorcher tomorrow.

Sunday...
Monday, June 13, 2005 12:12 a.m.

Urrgh...got up early for church and the message really hit home. It was all about relationships...between husband and wife, and between children and their parents. The main highlight was the fact that Tim Keller touched on a lot of things that I've been talking to S about...especially about parents...

He said that the Bible does not tell us to love, admire or trust our parents (some parents are even evil) but honoring them should include: giving them a place of honor (culturally, like the head of the table or something), do not underestimate their need to seem themselves in you, allow them to change (they are only human), forgive them and not let them control you, grow up into an adult.

Yup, all things I need to work on...especially with my dad.

Afterwars..came home and just conked out for a few hours. S conked out too but she went to visit her mom in Queens...

One of my net buddies passed on an IM virus to me...so if you IM me...DO NOT click on a link that says "this looks like you" it's a virus!!!

Talked to Eunice and Jennie Choe briefly...man, I have not seen my friends in ages...I really need to make some money and soon!

Anyhooo...cleaned up and then went to dinner late with S...we went to Cabana for some really good Cuban food...and then went to the T-bone diner for dessert. We just had a really good conversation and I just stared at her...she just gets more and more gorgeous every time I see her...and our conversations range from the goofy to the most deep stuff...ever. She just amazes me.

She told me how she ran out of money on the way home from church and ended up in Harlem. Some guy helped her find an ATM ...and wanted her phone number...eeep! But she did learn a lot from it... good thing she didn't call me at the time because it would have given me a heart attack! GAH...

Anyways...we've been talking about our future and all our plans...and if anything..we are turning into this really cute, sweet couple... She just called and I told her and I said "well, I don;t have the compulsion to just rip your clothes off" and she was like "hey, that's not good!" ...but of course I do! I just have tremendous self-control...and I see her as so much more than that...we are really forming this spiritual bond...and I want to meet her friends and family...and just know as much about her as possible.

Tim Keller reminded us today that we need to love God above our spouse...and I will try my best to...but second place... if it really is for her...it will be easy to love her that much.

Yes, gushfest continues...but if you met her and see how she treats me and how I treat her... you'd see why.

Ok...going to finish my article for AI...almost done. Keep praying and crossing your fingers for me... I'm hoping Marvel lets me know this week...I really want this job...and I know it's silly...but I kind of have my heart set on it... sigh...don't want to be disappointed... Pray for me! It's been another good week and great weekend...amen.

*sigh...another good weekend
Sunday, June 12, 2005 05:51 p.m.

Well, Friday was spent cleaning and writing my article for AI and then just waiting to see when S was going to come over. She finished work and went home...and was going to go out with her girls but then...she ended up staying home and talking to me...so you can imagine how restless I was.

I was up at 7:30 on Saturday just could not sleep... puttering around for hours cleaning, athcing anime, working on article...and then just about noon...S shows up.

I am still floored every time I see her...but we always have this weird warm-up period where she needs to "get used to us being together"...it usually takes a couple of hours...then she gets all gushy again. Anyhoo...it freaks me out sometimes...but I understand why she wants to take it slow...so we dialed the kissing down a notch or two...:P

A bit awkward...but we went to diner for brunch and talked some things through...we are still good and as the day progressed, things were just excellent again...at one point I thought I lost my wallet...but it fell in the compartment by her side door. :P

Came back to decide what we were going to do...and then this one little moment made me so happy. She had on these tall heeled sandals and I was barefoot and she pulled me close and was like "Awww...my short boyfriend" and then she got so embarassed that it slipped out like that...I played it off...but I knew what she said...so cute!

We went to get tickets for "Cinderella Man" and then went to Starbucks...we were having fun and then she just went white...she saw one of her ex'es friends and he waved hi... she got a little freaked out...but it was ok. GAH...I just want to beat on the guy...but the police can take care of that.

Anyways... walking to theater and she goes "Who is that little girl waving to us?" ...turns out my uncle, aunt, and Niu were outside KOHL's... so weird! Said hi...and then we ran!

"Cinderella Man"...got through 20 minutes and then the film MELTED...we got refunds and went to see "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" instead...which was pretty good.. Angelina is HOT!!! Fun movie... a little long...but that was probably because I was so tired.

Yes, we fed each other popcorn the whole movie through and had one straw for the soda...and we held hands and what-not...sheesh.

Came home to just recupperate and figure out what to do... the beach was out of the question since it was too late and it had been raining... so I changed and decided we should go to the city for late dinner and just walking around.

Chris came home with his friend Judy and he met S...a little awkward...but it gets worse...more on this later.

So...we head out the door and who is coming in to the apartment? My grandparents, Justin, and my two aunts...gah!!! they all see S and we all freak out...and we run into the car. GAH! What is up with the day???

So, S and I go to St. Mark's area and we just sang 80's tunes all the way (I made her a new wave mix) she loves When in Rome "the promise" and "living in oblivion" by anything box...anyhoo...we had such a great time in the car...and were all gushy by the time we got to Cafe Mogador...had an amazing steak and salmon and couscous and creme brulee...and S has this thing with clammy hands when she is hot...but she let me hold her hands at the table...and outside...really cute.

Walked around a bit and decided to go to Angel's Share... talk about PDA! Lots of smooching and cuddling over drinks...and we just sat and stared out the window...and she asked "do you think we act like bfriend and gfriend"...mid-smooch and cuddle... OF COURSE!

And then after a few drinks...I said it. Idiot me...I told her not to say anything...but she knows. And she looked liked she was going to cry...but then I patted her on the back and was like "heeeeey, buddy...how ya doooing!" and we just broke the tension and were back to normal.

She drives like a fiend...soooo fast. My hand was on her thigh and just squeezing because it was just vroooom...and then she held my hand too...which was sweet... but she's an amazing driver. I trust my life to her in the car.

Came home and just chilled out...oh..I gave her CDs and a journal before...and then I whipped out the old pics and letters she wrote me... she was so embarassed and was like" can you imagine?"

And then "can you imagine we'd be kissing like this now?" ... wow. My dreams came true...I still can't believe it.

We sit in the garden awhile and cuddle and whatnot...and I tell her I meant what I said at the bar...when we get to the car... I whisper in her ear again...and like a pimp...she goes "thank you, I know" just like Han flippin' Solo! ...but it takes time...and I want it to come from her without any pressure from me...but she knows and I know.

Anyhoo...I conk out pretty soon and Chris comes home reeking of alcohol and he jumps on me and hugs me..."DANG! SHE LOOKED GOOD! SHE CAN COME OVER ANYTIME!" ...hahahahha...and then he goes "I'm proud of you Abe"....sheeesh! I'm hot shiznat too! But of course...S is just knockout gorgeous...

but even if she wasn't...her personality, the way her mind works, the way she cracks me up like no one else, how much she cares for and about me...these are the reasons that I love her...her smoking bod is just a plus! :P

Sigh...this is a long entry...to be continued.

stuff...
Sunday, June 12, 2005 05:45 p.m.

Yes, another one of those days where I'm just waiting around. S called me early this morning...woke me up just cause she was bored...I can't be mad at her! Too cute. I'd rather be woken up by her than to sleep until I am full.

Got up early and worked on articles. Finished one, did research for the other, and ended up writing almost half of the second one.

Not much else besides cleaning up ...S called a few times and she decided not to go out with her friends after all. She was just so tired that she ended up staying at home...and talking to me. She called and we talked. Found out all these things about her that I never knew...she wanted to change her name to Mina...as in "Mina Harkness" from Dracula mythology, she loves horse back riding, and she loves playing video games like Diablo, CounterStrike, and Halo2 (but not Halo)... she's so funny and...she wants to watch anime tomorrow. Too perfect.

She says that I remind her of Woody from Toy Story...I said that if she was going to call me "Woody" I should call her something equally as provocative...like "pussycat"...hhahhah. She also thinks that all the Winnie the Pooh friends are on drugs...

And if we get a yorkie together...we are going to name him "Uncle Peppermint." I know...we are totally queer.

But the sweetest thing she said was that she doesn't ever want me to apologize for calling her at work..."If I can be nice to all these people that bother me...I can at least be nice to the man that might be my husband!"...I'm speechless.

And yes...we are still deciding if we are really going to be "exclusive" (AKA bfriend/gfriend)...but I think we already are. Tomorrow will be our one month anniversary (well, 4 weeks, really) and it's been so amazing...all these little things we learn about each other...all of our copious conversations...it's just been adding more fuel to the fire. I want this to work so badly... and she does too.

Well, enough of the gushfest (I can't help it!)

Grace is off to Asia, Sunjoo is coming back, and Cindy will be in the US in a few weeks... big on travel this month, huh?

Man, I need to get away again...soon, soon!

So busy!!
Thursday, June 9, 2005 09:00 p.m.

Just worked on the first article for Anime Insider today...almost done, actually. Just need to fill out a few more things tonight and then I can concentrate on the more research heavy 2nd article.

It's just boiling...I have no desire to work out today... well, a day off isn't so bad. I'll get on it tomorrow.

Took Justin to his audition. And there is NO chance he is going to get this commercial. The part required a chubby guy...and apparently his management company hasn't realized that he is quite skinny and tall now. They haven't seen him in a long time...and he needs a new headshot for sure.

Went to Flushing with Justin to meet with my mom for some Taiwanese food. Flushing Mall was deserte, but it totally reminded me of Hong Kong and Canada. Had some of my faves: Tzo ToFu (Fried Stinky ToFu) and Ohah Jian (Oyster pancake with spinach...for the first time in a long time. I felt ok going to Flushing for once...yes, I think I'm over the phobia...and it's all because S has been with me.

Home...S called and we talked a bit. She got the card I sent her and she was gushing. I was so afraid that it would be too much...but apparently, it isn't. I can't help how I feel...but I may wait a bit before I actually tell her. It's different...writing something and saying it...sometimes one is easier than the other.

Anyways...MTV Movie Awards is on...more AI writing...more waiting to hear from Marvel...and more waiting for S to call.

One of my Net buddies IMed me and told me to stop gushing so much. She needs to prove herself worthy...which is completely true. But so far, things have been pretty wonderful...and the more time we spend together... hopefully it will continue to be so.

Funny thing is...last night she told me to read the Bible (which I haven't been doing consistently in awhile) and I said I would read Hosea...just randomly picked it. I flip open my Bible...and you guessed it...landed on Hosea. How funny.

Anyways... considering all things...it's all been really good. Man, it's hard work being romantic. But I won't complain. :P

more...
Wednesday, June 8, 2005 11:10 p.m.

yes, Justin needs help with school work. Went home for a little bit and helped him...had dinner.

Came home and talked to Nina...she's doing well in NC...no problems with driving yet.

Talked to my girl for an hour before she fell asleep. We are even thinking about getting a dog together...a YORKIE!!! And you all know how much I LOVE me some Yorkie! And she encourages me to read the Bible...and she's just so smart...we even talked about the "Great Gatsby"...and she's just so sassy.

I'm seriously falling for her more and more everyday. I gush, yes, I gush some more. But to know her is to love her.

And yes, I do love her. I wrote it in the card. I hope that wasn't a mistake...but I'm planning to tell her...when the moment is right.

I've loved her as a friend, as more than a friend...and now...it's so different...it's just amazing.

I wish this kind of happiness on everyone and anyone...yes, I am a total doofus right now...but it's so rare that I get like this...like THIS.

I want it to last forever.

And Laura is IMing me now...how funny...but she's happy for me...and maybe now we can really be friends... funny how things all work out, no?

busy! but good!
Wednesday, June 8, 2005 02:39 p.m.

Oy...my girl gave me a wake up call this morning and I was up and at 'em bright and early. After brunch I made more comments on the Marvel script...and around 2:30...I was done.

WOOOOO! I'm so glad to get that out and over with. I think I did a great job...I hope that they think so too! Say a prayer for me, ok? I need it! I want this job soooo badly! HELP!!!

S said that when she was in the car...she got butterflies when she was thinking about seeing me next...OMG. I am so blushing now.

Ok...that's it for now...so hot and I'm sleepy. *yawn.

"lo-fi is chic." is here!
Wednesday, June 8, 2005 12:36 a.m.

Talk about an eventful day. After all that work and sweat in the hot weather... "lo-fi is chic." came in 9 boxes around 630.

The CDs look AMAZING...so professional looking. I was just floored by how good they look wrapped up and stacked. Just amazing. After all that hard work...it's done...and I can close a chapter on a huge influential part of my life. I've put so many ghosts to rest by putting all of that on the album...and can you imagine... S is back in my life...just when all of that is finished. Just amazing.

Went to Verizon to get my phone switched over to S's old phone...I can't believe how close we've become...she even gave me her old phone...how wild is that. And of course the first person I call on it is her.

While I was waiting for the data to get transferred over and all her old numbers to get wiped away for good (and good riddance)... I went to Barnes and Noble and bought her a journal. I started the first page by saying how I'd love it if she were able to tell the story of us...yes, I'm a cheeseball...but I want her to be thinking about me and us...and whatever the future brings... who knows? It could all change on a dime.

Went home to drop off some CDs...without my Mom...a lot of this could never have been done. I wish she could really appreciate it...without me being her son. But I know that she enjoys a few of the songs...I know that if I ever do another recording...it will be much better at least.

Home...S called and we talked for a good hour and a half... we decided that our "safe word" would be "chihuahua"...anytime we start talking about the past...we just need to say the word and we can avoid a lot of pain and suffering...

I can't believe that she thinks I'm cute. I think she is sooooo adorable and gorgeous...but for her to think I'm cute or handsome even...my goodness, is she crazy? Look at me!

And despite it all...she wants to be with me and talk with me...and just be together. How amazing is that?

Ok...I gush. I stop. I have Marvel stuff and Anime Insider stuff to contend with...oh, boy.

Crazy busy day...
Tuesday, June 7, 2005 05:35 p.m.

Wow...just a lot going on in this hot weather... got up worked out, worked on the Marvel script, rehearsed, worked on the script some more...

Talking to S on MSN all day...so cute. Lots of funky little pics on there. Odd.

AND...got my next two articles for Anime Insider! Need to get them done my Monday? ACK...that means I will most certainly be indoors all day. I cant even look at the assignments until after I send the stuff in to Marvel...urrgh.

Got S's old phone in the mail...she overnighted it to me...so sweet. I need to get a charger...then I need to bring it in to the store and have them erase the phone book...and transfer mine to it.

Anyways, "lo-fi is chic." is on the way to me ...I should be getting it any minute now. UPS truck should be here soon...eeep. I am so excited! What a day!

But man, my aching back. Urrgh. So HOT!!!

eep.
Monday, June 6, 2005 10:00 p.m.

Looks like S found the blog...or at least some older pages. ACK! Do I have anything incriminating on here?....Maybe in the past... some silly things I said from back then...but recently....

Well, if she does snoop around...all she's going to find is how smitten I am with her...and all the wonderful things I have to say about how things are going...so I don't mind. Like she says it's "kismet"...

Yes, I did get on MSN so I can chat with only her...but if you are on it too...let me know...it's so much more fun than AIM!

She keeps calling me "Mr. C F W" and she won't tell me what it means!!! Any ideas?

Another weird little moment...I was telling her when I got my job I was going to buy her "purdy things" ...like " laffy taffy, snails, ear wax removal kit, etc..." and she freaked out because her room mate walked in with a bag of laffy taffy just then. All these weird little incidents...they mean nothing in themselves...and yet... we go nuts! Go figure...it's cute, ok?

This Marvel script is pretty terrible...but that's good...I get to write copious notes and show my editing abilites. good stuff...all day tomorrow and wednesday. wooooo!

Things seem better now...day isn't so bad.

Pistons and Miami....who's gonna take it ???

another weird similarity...
Monday, June 6, 2005 06:23 p.m.

S just called again and she said that she almost got into a car accident when she went to the post office to mail me the phone... she said that some car was double parked on a hill (similar to my dad's car situation) and that cars were skidding in the rain to avoid it...

Wow...just weird things like that...today has been so odd. Makes me really thankful for what I have and makes me want to hold on tighter to them... thank God for being so good... and please... take care of us.

It's such an odd, down kind of day...so weird.

another weird similarity...
Monday, June 6, 2005 06:23 p.m.

S just called again and she said that she almost got into a car accident when she went to the post office to mail me the phone... she said that some car was double parked on a hill (similar to my dad's car situation) and that cars were skidding in the rain to avoid it...

Wow...just weird things like that...today has been so odd. Makes me really thankful for what I have and makes me want to hold on tighter to them... thank God for being so good... and please... take care of us.

It's such an odd, down kind of day...so weird.

another weird similarity...
Monday, June 6, 2005 06:23 p.m.

S just called again and she said that she almost got into a car accident when she went to the post office to mail me the phone... she said that some car was double parked on a hill (similar to my dad's car situation) and that cars were skidding in the rain to avoid it...

Wow...just weird things like that...today has been so odd. Makes me really thankful for what I have and makes me want to hold on tighter to them... thank God for being so good... and please... take care of us.

It's such an odd, down kind of day...so weird.

Oh man...count your blessings...
Monday, June 6, 2005 05:16 p.m.

Day started off ok...but things just went screwy really fast... my cell phone is apparently cracked and I'm a month a way from getting an upgrade...so I need a Verizon phone to switch stuff over for the time being. In any case, S is sending me her old phone...I just better erase it...or I might get mad... arrgh.

Anyhoo... folks took the day off to pick up the Benz...went with them and it's gorgeous...really nice...even if it looks like a Transformer...but then I was in the car with my dad and the car ran out of gas on the off ramp...and I told him to pull over and just stop...but he kept trying to start it and tried to go in reverse to pull onto a shoulder...even though we were up the ramp already...he just would not listen...and I was so pissed because he seemed to care more for the car than our safety...

He called my mom to bring gas over...but she couldn't find us...we eneded up getting a tow...and I was just silent the whole time. Ugh...don't even want to write about it...and to add insult to injury...this morning he didn't put a quarter in the meter and got a ticket...gah.

All the stuff that's happened...it just reminds me that all the good things that have occured can just disappear LIKE THAT...and that we should really count our blessings and live life fully... I don't want to live a life full of doubt...but sometimes... that pessimist in me peeks out again. It's hard....and I am so easily scared back to that pattern.

Anyhooo...Marvel sent the script so I have 2 days to edit it and get it back to them... so ...lots going on this week. I'm jsut going to be a bundle of nerves... this is going to be a stressful week... and the CD should be coming in soon too. EEEEK.

More on my mind...I'll write more tomorrow or later.

Wow...revelation
Monday, June 6, 2005 12:46 a.m.

Well, talked to Amy tonight and gave her the full story about me and S...and I've been thinking about it recently, but it really hit me when I was talking to Ames...all of this good stuff started happening to me when I finished the CD.

Ok...just look at the blog archives from May and you can trace all the major stuff that happened...but here is how I see it. A lot of the songs on "lo-fi is chic." were written about painful experiences or a deep sense of longing. There are songs about S, E,...even Grace Chung on there...just songs that captured something from my past. I always tell stories at my live shows about lessons I learned and how I translated that into my music....so by putting it down on the CD and live...I was exorcising a lot of demons from my past...putting them to rest forever.

So, now the songs are a reminder of how I triumphed over the hardships and made something good out of it...and with the CD being done...maybe it sealed them away.

You'll see that throughout the month after...I had so much fun and was just brought back to life. The week of the three concerts, writing that spec letter to Marvel, S calling and us meeting up...and now...being together with her.

If anything, I've learned that hindsight is indeed 20/20...tracing all this stuff...I've really seen God's grace and mercy in my life...how things have changed so much in the course of 2 months...and maybe why I had to go through all of that to get to this point. It has strengthened my faith....because I have witnessed miracles that were out of my control.

And even talking to S again tonight (yes, we do talk alot) it was so funny because I overheard Chris talking to his friend about his infatuation with JNCO jeans...and S and I have this inside joke about her "only dating guys who wear JNCO jeans" back when she was in HS...we talked about it today...and just when she called...Chris was talking about how dumb they were when he looks back in the day...just funny.

And digging out the only batch of S photos that I had from back in 1996 !!! I can see how much we've both changed and matured...and if we do get married...those photos will be the first in the slideshow...followed by like a 9 year gap...and then more photos from 2005 and on! HAHAHHA...isn't that just hilarious???

Our story is still being written...but taken in light of our past...wow...what a story it is.

I can't imagine my life without her now...and it's only been 3 weeks since we've reconnected... how weird is that? So does that make this coming weekend our one month anniversary??? OMG... maybe it does? Or is it the week after? OMG... how weird is that. Read the blog archives from that first night...and then this weekend...wow... what a difference a few weeks can make.

Ok...enough about this...I am exhausted and delirious...well, these days I'm delirious all the time...and for good reason.

Sunday.
Sunday, June 5, 2005 02:59 p.m.

Had a very sweet wake up call from S this morning. I was so sore and tired...I felt like pudding. "What kind"... Tapioca. "Oh, I like tapioca pudding. I feel like rice pudding." Well, you are Asian. Too cute.

Went to church...a really good message about reconciling relationships and true forgiveness...what that means is 1. Resisting a sense of superiority...as in...calling someone a LIAR when they lie to hurt you... by defining them by one trait. 2. Releasing liability--taking the steps to cover the cost... of forgiving someone and not repeating the events/hurt to others. Letting go, basically. 3. Overcoming evil with good--wishing someone well... you don't know about their entire character and the circumstances. 4. Confronting...but out of love.

In the OT...God says "Vengence is mine." Meaning God knows the person's life and what they deserve...we do not know what that entails... but the NT says that God "takes the vengence...upon Himself."...wow. Deep stuff. I'm simplifying from my notes...but Tim Keller (again) is just brilliant. Really applied to my life. And taking communion again was really good. Also ran into Steve Chin...he was like "Doris got engaged." ...yes, I know. Thanks.

Went to see the folks and the vintage Mercedes they bought...but it wasn't there yet. Anyhooo...had lunch and came home.

Eunice called and we talked about relationships and where they are heading...all of that stuff... wow...every one seems to be getting to that point lately.

S called...and it looks like I won't be able to see her today. She's tired and her room is a mess...and she needs to get ready for work. I'm just being selfish when I want to see her NOW! I know...absence makes the heart grow fonder. And yeah, I'm exhausted too...I refuse to take a nap! I want to go to bed at a decent time for once...but man...I am so sleepy... urrrgh.

Home...talked to Eric...he was a little concerned, but I think things are ok...I think S really does want something real and long lasting...so, time will tell in the end...but it is so hard to really have anyone understand the situation...we know each other...and yet we don't. It's so unique...our story is just incredible...

S called me and we talked for like 2 hours. She was telling me about the church she visited today and she recapped the entire sermon...so cute. She really is brilliant...you should hear the tangents she goes on...that girl's brain is a sponge...she knows all this random stuff...but really quirky and important facts... just bizarrely cute.

We talked about us and our past...and trying to avoid the past... we talked about the coming weekend...and how we do need to spend time with our friends. We can't spend too much time together right off the bat...but still, I kind of want to see her whenever I can. She does too...but she says her friends will really get concerned that she is overdoing it with me...oh well.

Had a really good conversation about my novel and how the female main character is based on S... well, also a lot of me in her too...but the way she looks and talks...it's all S.

My phone is dying...the screen has been blanking out on me lately...arrgh. I may need to get a new phone...crap.

Lots to be thankful for...lots more waiting on the horizon. A nice close to a wonderful week and an amazing weekend. Sigh... it's NOT a dream. It just seems like one.

The perfect weekend!
Saturday, June 4, 2005 09:32 p.m.

Yes, folks... this may have been the best few days in my entire life. I am positively ecstatic. Here's the recap:

Friday night: After a long, long week of waiting to see S...she finally arrived in Queens at around 8:30. She looked gorgeous. Just flat-out amazing....a little camisole...sigh. We unloaded her stuff and then went to Forest Hills in the rain. Despite the weather... we could not get Cuban food...so we had Japanese...and let me just say...she turns heads...I walked into Cabana to see how long the wait was...and every guy around...just snapped their heads to look at my precious piece of arm candy.

Oh yeah, right off the bat...we were just attached. She either held my hand, or my arm, or was leaning on my shoulder the whole time we were out. It really assured me that she was interested and willing to be with me...even in public...yes, holy PDA, Batman!

Had a good dinner at Narita and went to Coldstone for some ice cream that neither of us could finish. It was fun to feed each other and to feel so close...

Walked back to the car in the rain...and back to my place... where I played "In Your Words" for her...a song that previously had no real connection to anyone (ok...maybe sunjoo and K)...but for me... it was my hope that it would be true for us one day.

So after a little wine... S changed into the cutest outfit... a white tank top, pj pants, and ponytail (all elements of which I have previously written about as my ideal outfit for absolute cuteness) we were back to slow dancing...and she was being cute and pushing me away for a bit...but soon we were close...heart-to-heart...and just dancing and holding on to each other for dear life. The flowers I bought her were in a vase, the choco I bought her (a private joke) was nearby...and all the little details fell into place.

After we changed... we just sat on the bed and talked, held hands, and basically tried to get over our nerves. She was tired and laid down...and after an entire night of waiting...I kissed her cheek and reached her lips.

Let's just say that the restraint she had before...was a thing of the past. It was magic. We just connected so fiercely and passionately that I thought I would just burst into flames right there. So, all of you that said "Well, I'd really question where you stand, if she doesn't let you kiss her tonight"...your fears (and more importantly, mine) have been relieved.

I'll keep the details brief because they are private...but I will add that she is an amazing kisser and she...bites. My lips were very sore this morning... which is a good thing. :P

Needless to say... we didn't get much sleep. We made up for all the years that we should have been together and allowed our kisses to speak for themselves.

She did say this: "My plan didn't work out! This wasn't supposed to happen until the fifth date." Oh, well... plans have been changed...for the better.

I am basically running on fumes right now...but I was up early to shower and get things ready for our picnic. Chris got up around 10 to go in for some work...he was feeling a little awkward... and left before saying hi because he thought S was still sleeping.

The truth is... she was up around 7...and dozed off and on inbetween our bouts of making out. eeeeeeee! I know.

Anyways...I got a chance to nap when S got ready...and when I was up and about and all packed to go...she was in a yellow baby doll dress that was just adorable...and just made my heart race.

So...this is Saturday: We were all packed for the picnic and went to get some coffee at Starbucks. Gorgeous sunny weather...a bit too warm actually. Anyways...we were off to Central Park despite our lack of sleep... and yet...we were quite peppy and frisky.

Went in the 72nd entrance and found a nice spot by the boats. Laid out the picnic... I made a ton of food...three courses including, brie and crackers, salmon or chicken pasta salad with loads and loads of veggies...with my homemade infused olive oil...and whipped cream with strawberries and choco truffles. Topped off with a Riesling in a "grape juice" bottle and a portable cd player...our picnic blanket lunch was just absolutely perfect. Took a bunch of pics...I wish I could just develop them and look at just how beautiful she is...but pictures can never do her justice. She is just so animated...and her eyes SPARKLE...the light dances in them. And her goofy smile and buck teeth... her beauty marks, her breathy, sweet voice...just more reasons that make her my ideal girl

She kept saying how she was so impressed and how she felt so lucky. But honestly, I've been dreaming about this for years...and it has been better and more perfect than I could have ever possibly.

After a perfect lunch with more kisses...we dropped off the stuff in the car and went back to walk around unemcumbered. We watched the model boat pond and sat on the grass and just joked around and cuddled... yes, it was all very gay.

We shared a popsicle and watched some kids play in mud and water...and just kept it all very G-rated with sweet little pecks....very "Lady and the Tramp"... We left the park around 545 and headed home.

We talked about all of our future plans...and were quite frank and realistic about it all...it's just been such a good start to this relationship... and we are seriously thinking ahead. Planning our weekends, our time together, possible trips...and yes...even that. So, we are taking this very seriously. Given our history...it would be ridiculous to start anything that had no future.

And the most important thing...besides her brains, beauty, cuteness,... is her sense of humor. We laugh so much together...no one has ever made me laugh so much for so long...and then we can be quiet and serious and romantic immediately right after. We are just so good for each other...and yes, she kept reminding me of our "5 hour" tirade of making out... and for you nosy folks...we have self-control. Sheesh! I am a gentleman!

Came home and I made her some chicken nuggets and she ate a bunch of the leftovers from lunch...we watched Alfie, which was incredibly depressing...but we had fun making silly comments...and making out.

Yes, there was a lot of that. We are in our honeymoon phase at the moment and neither of us want it to end. The thing that is different about our relationship... compared to my prior ones...is that S kisses me more or at least as much as I kiss her (initiating, I mean)...every red light...kisspecksmooch...and she has this cute habit of lots of consecutive kisses...and then she blows air into my mouth in a little pop...I tell her not to do that cause she might give me gas with all that air! She still does it.

And honestly, Friday and Saturday...we shared literally a thousand kisses...it was just so much and so welcome and just perfect. We are both smitten...equally...which is the right way to do this.

She made me promise to go to church tomorrow...even though I am exhausted beyond exhaustion. She said that God is the reason we are together...and we should go. She encourages me in a way that I've never felt before.

And she loves the fact that I am so tall and strong...that I can pick her up in one arm and just toss her...hahah! And I love her perfect 5 foot 4 frame...just unbelieveable...I'm still stunned that this beautiful girl is falling for me...and wants me. Gah...I'm gushing.

Our little love story has so many contradictions...and yet they all make sense in light of who we are and our history. It is pure and spiritual...and also carnal and passionate. It is true and powerful...but light and hilarious. We are such complex people...so much so that it is amazing to see how well we complement each other...Every hour we spend together...there is something new we discover that makes us realize...this was meant to be.

Even silly things like the fact that her mom was on a college basketball team...and my mom was on a high school one...are just hilariously perfect...our families, our passions, what we like, how our bodies fit together when we hug, how we laugh and get each other on a level that I have never experienced, our common ties and history, and faith...these are the ties that bind us together.... that make us realize slowly, but ever surely...that our story is a miraculous one.

So when she got in her car at 9ish...we had to tear each other away...more kisses and little things we keep between us...will carry us until we see each other next.

So,we are officially "dating and exclusive"...but it might be too early to say that we are "boyfriend/girlfriend"...even though, technically...we are. Sigh...semantics. I only have eyes for her...and she only has eyes for me. Thus shall it be. Who needs labels?

I'm sure there is a ton of stuff I am forgetting to write...just because I am so exhausted and just blissed out at just how perfectly this weekend has been...or maybe it's the prospect that I might see her tomorrow after church...or at least I will see her next weekend...

She makes my heart race... she always did...but this time, THIS TIME...she can feel it and know that it's true. And I think I make her heart beat a little faster too. Scratch that...I KNOW. I can't imagine kissing anyone else. If she's the one...I want her for forever....and I mean it.

Enough gushing...but it's so hard to stop. Her roommates will grill her...Chris will be all awkward around me...and our families may start getting curious...but what matters now is us...and the excitement of every phone call...and even better... all that happens when we are together.

This weekend has been so wonderful. You should all be very, very jealous. I can't believe this isn't a dream...I can't believe it's ME and HER....finally. Wow. I'll say it again...wow.

Excelsior!!!
Friday, June 3, 2005 02:49 p.m.

Let's just say that things are going very well. S gave me a wake up call and text messaged me 4 times before the big interview. She wrote so many encouraging things. I don't think anyone has ever said some of those things to me...I'm just stunned at how much she cares.

Went to the Marvel offices...building is very non-descript...and the office was quite sparse...except for a few comic related things.... but it's more than one floor and I think there ATARI is on a floor below... anyhoo...it's the new Marvel office and they aren't done moving in quite yet....oops...getting ahead of myself...anyhoo.. the receptionist said that the guy I was interviewing with wasn't expecting me until 10! ACK! HR person told me to be there at 9:30...anyhooo...filled out a form...which the guy wouldn't really look at anyways.

Met with David Bogart...and he was a genuinely laid back and cool dude. Very nice...and he seemed very impressed with my resume... Then he said... it would be an Assistant Editor position I would be filling and I would work on a series of books with a team...and about 6 months or so...I'd have my own book to edit! WOW!!!! Long hours...and possibly work on the weekends...oh...just reading comics on the weekends...as if that was work !!! Just seemed to go very well...he wanted me to meet ...the EIC...Joe Quesada! But Joe was in Philly for the Wizard World Tour Con... anyhoo...long story short...I made it to round two. They will be sending me a script to edit and make notes on...just the dramatic set up and what works/doesn't work...much like a creative writing workshop way of doing things.

What really floored me was...he knew who Galway Kinnell was... and his best friend is Mark Millar! Millar is one of my FAVE writers...he did the Authority and the Ultimates...just awesome... Bogart also appreciated my fanboyness...which I appreciate...i was trying not to gush...but man, it was hard. AND he said that they were looking for someone with a creative writing background...and someone to traffic, deal with freelancers..."much like what you did at Triumph Learning"...wow!!! Maybe that's why I had to go to that pit...to gain experience working with vendors! It just sounds like I am perfect for this position...I just hope they think so, too!

After the interview...I asked him if he knew Mackenzie...and he brought her over! She was so happy to see me...and I was so excited to see her. What a small, small world. We really need to catch up...but she is going on a freelance basis and will only be in on Mondays. I wish I could see her every day if I worked there...but hey... under the same roof and same company...why not? She said it was an exhausting job...but the product...just wow.

Anyhooo...I was ecstatic and went to Midtown Comics to get some stuff for "research"...called my mom, bro, and my girls... S was busy but we talked later... also ran into Nancy...she works on the same block as Midtown...

The Midtown staff was like "DC is better"...and well.. my comic purchases have been 60/40 DC/Marvel...so I would have to agree...but Marvel...my beloved X-men, Spidey, The Avengers... just wow...I want to work there so badly! Must edit this script well...whenever I get it.

Picked up a few things for the weekend with S...and just came home to clean up, cook, and wind down... whew... big night ahead too...I am just on Cloud 9! Can you tell?

More later....I'm sure I will have lots to write about then. Have a good weekend. Praise God! WOOOO! Amen and amen!

on the cusp...
Thursday, June 2, 2005 09:57 p.m.

...of hopefully something good. Just a lot of stuff going on (see BLOG ARCHIVES) and it could all be amazing if this weekend goes well.

Been cooking and chopping and cleaning and working out all day. Watched Elektra to get me up to speed on Marvel movies...and just talking to S.

We have the most insanely fun conversations usually...we crack each other up by all the dorky things we say...but she said that one of her acquaintances died in a motorcycle accident... really sad... young kid.

Other than that...it's been all fun and games and a lot of gushyness... I want this to work out more than anything...slow, slow...take it slow. I have my friends to keep me in check...the usual players... Doris, Eunice, Grace, Romana, Sunjoo...ya'll keep me level headed.

But you've never heard her laugh and the way she talks...it's so infectious...and her smile. GAH!!! I cannot wait to see her tomorrow.

Though...I can't call her "baby" or "babes"...brings back bad memories for her... well, I've been calling her "honey" ...yipes...the past...I'm still a bit haunted by some of the E stuff...and I'm sure S has some issues with her ex...but I feel like we are being healed ...at least in our relationship...and maybe it's all for the best.

Went home to get a little pep talk from the family for the interview. Talked to Ro and Amy briefly too... and then caught Tiffany on the "Hit me Baby 1 More Time" show...wheeee...not bad...but she has aged...not as well as Debbie Gibson though.

Had to take a break mid-blog because S called...we had a really, really good convo... she had so many issues with self worth in the past...running away from what was good for her...but now she is so different and mature...and she prays for me and just...so much that I've needed and wanted.

I've always seen her for how special she was... even during the insane times...I knew that she was remarkable...and she just needed some faith that she was worthy... I think she is more than that...she is just amazing. And she keeps saying..."I never realized how cute you were until now."... I've always been this cute! :P

I'm sorry for all the recent gushing...and I'm scared that things could go up in smoke any minute...but right here and now...she makes me so happy. And just our telephone convos has my heart racing. I can't wait to see her tomorrow and just pull her close. Let's see if she lets me kiss her though...heh.

And yes, she will be giving me a wake up call...she's been so encouraging with this interview stuff and everything. I feel like the world is just open to all these possibilities...and I thank God for it. Just amazing.

Well, I should be getting ready for my big day tomorrow. Wish me the best. I need it!

Um...am I blushing?
Thursday, June 2, 2005 12:00 p.m.

Archived the previous entries. Want to catch up with all the good craziness? Check the BLOG ARCHIVES link to your left. <-- that way.

S emailed me this morning:

"Sooo busy here. =P bleh. But Abes, I think I miss you...~* "

Oh, dear.

C'mon! Let me just enjoy it!