a change is a-comin'
Sunday, July 25, 2004 09:24 p.m.

What a weird day...I must have been super tired yesterday... I couldn't fall asleep until 4:00 though..and didn't get up until 1:00 today! What is wrong with me ?

I got up, had breakfast and got stuff ready for work. Watched some tv and that was really about it...I tried drumming a little...but I can't keep up...too tired and weak... but I started working out again... so hopefully I will build up my strength.

Well.. tomorrow is the big day...I'm gonna need a lot of well wishes and prayers for this new page in the life of the Abe. I'm a little nervous, excited, and all the things you should be when you start something new.

So...here's to good things happening. I'm tired of the negative and the dark... bring on the light.

So...to start things off right...gonna archive this and start a new blog page... hey, it's the little things, ok?

Good night. Sweet dreams.

a change is a-comin'
Sunday, July 25, 2004 09:24 p.m.

What a weird day...I must have been super tired yesterday... I couldn't fall asleep until 4:00 though..and didn't get up until 1:00 today! What is wrong with me ?

I got up, had breakfast and got stuff ready for work. Watched some tv and that was really about it...I tried drumming a little...but I can't keep up...too tired and weak... but I started working out again... so hopefully I will build up my strength.

Well.. tomorrow is the big day...I'm gonna need a lot of well wishes and prayers for this new page in the life of the Abe. I'm a little nervous, excited, and all the things you should be when you start something new.

So...here's to good things happening. I'm tired of the negative and the dark... bring on the light.

So...to start things off right...gonna archive this and start a new blog page... hey, it's the little things, ok?

Good night. Sweet dreams.

clock is ticking for going to work again!
Sunday, July 25, 2004 01:48 a.m.

Quick recap...since I can't sleep.

Friday: Didn't do much besides working on some more music. Redid vocals for "reverie"...I think it sounds a bit better...but I decided to include an acoustic/live version of it as a bonus track...since I can't seem to get it just right on the electric/drum version for some reason.

Anyhoo... got that done and some mixdowns. Played some Xbox, cleaned out some files, watched Cold Mountain...man, want to be depressed? Want to think that it was lust and not love? Watch this movie. Not bad...but not great...eh.

Saturday: Ok...officially wasted the day. I did laundry and did some more "reverie" mixdowns. Listening to the last one now... not too shabby I think... Eh.

Ok the time wastage was basically me and Chris watching the Surreal Life 2 marathon on VH1...ok... I think Trishelle is hot in some weird trashy way... and Traci Bingham is hot but just dumb...but Tammy Faye...man, she's got a lot of love...and is a really tolerant person. I'm not sure about her faith...but wow, if Christian charity and grace are so prevalent in her faith...wow. props!

And Vanilla ICe...man... got some issues. Need to "chill" hahah ! Ron Jeremy and Erik Estrada were pretty cool too... even if one is a total perv and the other is PONCH...hahah CHIPS ! woooo

Went home to celebrate my folks' 30th anniversary...all the kids were over...we ate watched tv, played cards (ok...chichi saying "screw you" after I said that he played his cards really wrong was not cool. little punkass kid! He lost anyways. So I was right. :P), went to Dunkin Donuts and then my family was singing karaoke and watching my Dad's DVD of their reunion class stuff.

Man... that stuff is funny. Middle-aged Chinese people dancing, singing, skits. I almost went blind when I saw this woman dressed as a (I kid you not) "whore/street walker" and her fat little companion writhing on the dance floor...when another lady in a cop uniform tells them to scat...while this Chinese dude is playing the sax in the background. Kids, you can't make this stuff up.

And my baby cousins are all grown up...almost they still act like babies sometimes and need to be held and cuddled. I love those kids. So cute. I can't wait to have some of my own...and my kids will be polite and well mannered! And cute ! Rearranged Justin's room...it's a nice set up... got the tv and the game systems all neat.

Well,I'm beat...I need to get a load of stuff done tomorrow before I START THE NEW JOB!

Happy Anniversary folks. I love you.

Nite, nite. I'm a little lonesome right now...but someone out there loves me, right?

Fave albums of recent years
Thursday, July 22, 2004 09:16 p.m.

Ok...just a list of (no [particular order...just whatever comes to mind)a few of the best albums I've bought in the past few years: 1. Superchunk: Here's to Shutting Up
2. Twilight Singers: Blackberry Belle
3. Interpol
4. The Shins: Oh Inverted World and Chutes Too Narrow 5. Flaming Lips: The Soft Bulletin and Yoshimi
6. Dashboard Confessional: Everything up to the latest album. yuck.
7. Hot Rod Circuit: Sorry About Tomorrow
8. Brand New: Deja Entendu
9. THRICE: The Artist in the Ambulance
10. Placebo: Black Market Music and Sleeping With Ghosts
11. Jimmy Eat World: Bleed American >BR> 12. Kylie Minogue: Fever
13. Do As Infinity: Do The Best
14. Flickerstick: Welcoming Home the Astronauts
15. Morrissey: You Are the Quarry
16. Killers: Hot Fuss
17. Tenacious D
18. Get Up Kids: Something to Write Home About
19. The Strokes: Is This It and Room on Fire
20. The Postal Service: Give Up
21. The Darkness: Permission to Land
22. Natalie Imbruglia: White Lillies Island
23. Idlewild: Hope Is Important and 100 Broken Windows and The Remote Part
24. Blink 182
25. Muse: Absolution

I'll add more to the list as I remember things.. but if you want a kick ass CD collection...you've got to have at least 5 of these in your shelves! Give a listen !

And hopefully one day.. "lo-fi is chic." will be on someone's list...uh..a good list, I mean.

could I BE any more productive?
Thursday, July 22, 2004 09:13 p.m.

Wow...I've been getting loads of stuff done. Let's recap, shall we?

Got up at a decent hour and went to Forest Hills to return a faulty Xbox game...got Soul Calibur II instead and only paid 5 bucks to make up the difference...it should have been more like 10...but who knows their return/exchange policy...oh well.

Got some other thigns for the house...and Mr. Clean Magic Eraser...it works pretty well! But now there is this 2 ft. clean spot in the middle of my murky linoleum floor. hahah I don't want to clean the rest. I love cleaning products and assorted stuff for the house. Lechters, bed Bath and Beyond, Staples...stores like that are just awesome. I'm pretty gay, huh ?

Recorded more... I'm almost doen with "On the Brink" already! If I can nail the drums over the weekend... wooo. All I have left to do is re-vox "reverie" and then "scent of you" (which will most likely be just acoustic and vocals...and I AM DONE. Now... the cover art and the final track list and mixdowns...those still need to get finished. hmmmm.

Went to get haircut with Chris at Gus' ... the other hair place on Union Turnpike is closed down now... but man...the first Playboy I ever saw in my life was at that barber shop! HAHAH I remember being so nervous and sneaking a peek and being like WOW... so that's what they look like! HAHAH nudity totally doesn't phase me anymore...ever since my year in Europe...nudity is kinda boring... clothes are better. Nudity can be kinda gross. Ugh.

Anyhooo... not much else... still listening to Van Halen ... rocks my world.

Oh...I'll do separate entry about my fave albums of recent years... been meaning to do that for awhile.

ACK! Thursday !

that's what I call productive...
Thursday, July 22, 2004 12:39 a.m.

Despite an upset stomach that has been bugging me the past day or so...I've actualyl got a lot of stuff done.

Working on the novel is doing me a world of good. It's great to get all this stuff out and feel like I'm making some baby steps. I need to finish this thing before I hit 30. So will I be done in a year and a half? Who knows. But I'm working on it.

The progress on the CD is good too. I was satisfied enough with the latest mixdowns of "love's brutality"...so much so that I cleared it out and started working on "on the brink"... I'm actually half done already...I spent a lot of time yesterday and today getting a lot of it done. Just need to record the harmony line and the drums...which might take awhile...depending on if I can get it right. A lot of reworking on this song...had to go in and get the guitar parts redone...ugh. what a waste of time...but at least it's almost done now. Should sound pretty good and moodymetal rocker-ish when it's done.

Got some of my old comics from home... all the good stuff is safe now! Whew...my old school X-men!

Oh... and got a bunch of Xbox games in... man.. DOA Extreme Volleyball is fun! And yeah...the girls are superhot...but the mini-games and the whole resort thing is just simple fun.

Oh man...my week is flying by! Thursday ! OH NO !!!!

Four days before I start at the new digs...oh man.

I *heart* Lindsay!
Tuesday, July 20, 2004 07:18 p.m.

Ok...day two of freedom... let's recap:

Monday: I got up kinda late and headed home... my folks took half a day off and we went back to stripping the carpet off the floors and painting more. It was hot and sweaty...and it was worth it. There is soooo much more needed to be done...and I just realized how much more crap I have there...jeebus. I need to start throwing crap out...just start chucking....but I did find my prized collection of old skool X-men...whew. Glad that they are still there.

Home..showered and went to Harvest Buffet with my folks and Justin...oh man... no mor ebuffet. But the funniest thing is Justin's "blow fish" technique. He gets crab legs and he cracks them and blows the meat out...it's hilarious ...and it works. Only his family would eat his "blow fish" crab legs... hahah.

Tuesday: Woke up upset...had a dream about "you know who"...not sure why this happened...all I know is that I am sick ...SICK of this. I just want the memories to be erased ala "Eternal Sunshine" or "Paycheck" ...but not "Memento"... in any case...ugh...bad start to the day.

Went outside to run some errands... took my guitar into the shop...went to Best Buy and Target...DVDs and CDs and household necessities.

Came home and listened to the new Van Halen Best of... I have most of the songs...but there are some new ones...that were AWESOME. Man...I love Van Halen.

and today was another Lindsay Lohan day..."Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen"...man...this movie sucks...but Lindsay is sooooo cute in it. Her DDR routine was awesome (even if it was fake DDR) and she is just cute throughout the movie. Man, I wish I was a teenager again and I didn't have to be ashamed of my gay little crush. But dang...I love Lindsay Lohan!

Finished up more mixdowns of "love's brutality"...this new version is worlds better than the live/acoustic version I did on "lucky insouciance" first off... man...the harmonies are tight and the creepy keyboard is awesome...but the best part...the Linkin Park-esque electric guitar at the end...I finalyl got the tone close to that heavy nu-metal sound...sounds amazing... realyl dramatic build at the end. IM me and I can send you a sample. I am so EMO. Make that SCREAMO.

Oh...got an email from my new Senior Ed...turns out they want to take me out for sushi...and mind you ...3 years at Holt and I never got a "welcome" lunch or a lunch just for me...only when I left did I get the "goodbye" lunch... sucks....well...hopefully this is a good sign...new place = goodness! So far... fear not...how tough could it be? *crosses fingers. *prays to God.

AHHHHH! "JUMP" is playing..not a typical Van Halen song if you are a fan...but man, this makes me want to do whindmill kicks and rub my lycra clad bum like Diamond Dave. 1984 lives !

EEEP... Day three is tomorrow !

the other one...
Sunday, July 18, 2004 08:11 p.m.

Wow... I won't be in at work to blog tomorrow! So, I thought I might as well write an entry about the weekend now.

Saturday: Got up and cleaned the apt. Did laundry and then went over to Serena's mom's place... Justin was still in Boston...so I went by myself. Gary actualyl stopped by. It was Serena's niece's birthday...her of the unfortunate name...hahah. In any case...thsi little girl was so cute and well behaved. She was opening her presents and looked so adorable! Serena said that she was evil and was just pretending...little did I know.

So the little girl apparently takes a likeing to me right away and wants to play with me...which turns into her kicking me and stomping on me. Still really cute...then she sits on me and jumps and says these really odd things like "I'm evil!"... and repeats for a good 15 minutes: "I m 10!" when we all knew she was turning 7...in any case...she calms down and we do a Hello Kitty puzzle together...cute kid...but maybe that name really makes any girl turn evil...hahah!

Serena's brother Eric is the same age as Justin...good kid...kinda quiet...her nephew Derrick was realyl cute too. Her friends were all ...quiet. Mostly... Wennie, her husband, and her baby Jonathan, Ricky, Dave and his dog Rolex, and some other folks came in and out...all quiet. Of course Serena only has two settings..LOUD and LOUDER...oh wait...one more LOUDEST.

We had BBQ and cake and it was a good time. The kids were all really cute and I had a good time. Serena definitely wears the pants in her family...and suffice it to say...most of her friends. Man, that was funny.

Anyhooo...home , tv, HALO...sleep.

Sunday: I promised my Mom I would help around the house...so I went over...and saw Justin...and made him breakfast...one week and he's grown taller and his voice got deeper...my baby is so big now... sheesh.

Folks went out and when they got back...we went to work and pulled up the nasty carpet... the whole house is basically wood floors now. And I AM SO BEAT.

Came home...watched "Paycheck"...really not so bad...but the DVD is jittery in one section...crap.

Ok...I'm pooped... I am sore and achey from all the housework and I know I got nothing to do tomorrow...but all I want to do is sleep...must stay up and do something! I have no work tomorrow ! Stay up late time !

Last day thoughts...
Saturday, July 17, 2004 01:22 a.m.

Well, it's over. My little three and a half year run at Holt is done. It was a very odd and awkward day to say the least.

Got in at normal time...wrote my goodbye email and trained Emily on how to write manuscript. She might even get my job. She definitely needs to pay attention to detail more and her writing style needs to improve...but in the end...she can make do. I hope that things will work out for the best for her. I do feel that we've gotten less friendly since the debacle after New Year's ...but in the end...she'll always be my friend. I only realized today how much I'll miss seeing her everyday. She's a cutie and a sweetheart...but man...that place brings out the evil in you!

Anyhooo...went to Monster Sushi for lunch and picked up my cake at Whole Foods... went back and all my coworkers had a slice. I didn't really say much...nor did I want to...I just wanted to leave and just be done with it all. The page is turned, the book is closed.

It was a little uncomfortable...and honestly, I will miss some of these people...but on the whole...I could care less. I learned about what the working world is like...how people are thirsty for power and how they can say such hurtful things when they think no one will know any wiser. But it was just a job for me...I'm thankful for the things I learned...and I'm looking forward to what the future brings.

I got a 20 dollar giftcard and a card from coworkers and Emily wrote me a very short and sweet goodbye. All in all..very, very weird and icky...but it was necessary. Emily walked me down...gave me a kiss and a hug...and off I went into the sunset... to buy DVDs and video games!

So...I'm home..cleaning up, bumming around, relaxing and just thinking about all the things I need to do on my week off before I start the new job.

I'm anxious, excited, and a little nervous. That's completely normal.

Now the girl thing... man...I'm glad I have XBOX...cause video games seriosuly make you forget about that stupid stuff.

Thank God for the little miracles. Amen.

Justin should be home soon. BBQ for Serena's niece tomorrow...oh...guess what her name is... starts with an "E" and it makes me cringe...hahahah... I'll call her "Mei Mei" or "Mui" in Cantonese.

Happy Birthday, Elaine! I miss you, kid! I'll get concert tix for the Killers for us !

Ok..anime...maybe some Xbox and sleeeeep!

Last day here.
Friday, July 16, 2004 10:25 a.m.

It's my last day at HRW. I'm done... It's been exactly three and a half years since I started working here...and I've definitely learned a lot... but it's time to move on. I'll miss a lot of people here. Especially, Emily. And there will be some people that I will not miss. heh... so onto bigger and better things. Pray that this new chapter in my life will be enriching and rewarding...and that I'll succeed and make a difference.

So...recap of yesterday...a few final work things to close out ...training other people, etc... and then coworkers took me out to lunch... Emily, Zakhar, netcher, KS, Anne, Mary, Myles, Laura, Alissa, Kristen, Kerry, Jennifer, and Crystal... A good group...had a "kobe" burger...couldn't really tell the difference... and that was that...

Left at 430... final bunch of crap that I had to lug home...and then ordered pizza with Chris... Mom came over and we went to Costco for stuff... loads of crap... more I love the 90's and sleep.

I've got a few hours to kill...but it seems like an eternity...I just want to get out of here and just start fresh.

This is new. This is a welcome change. This is good.

I hope things won't be too difficult...things here were bad for several reasons...but they were good also... so we'll see what happens.

It's all part of the ride.

TGIF, kiddies.

I Love the 90's OWNZ me !
Thursday, July 15, 2004 09:39 a.m.

Work was weird... less and less to do...and just a petering out ... moved the majority of my stuff out...the last of the big files and such went home last night... and just a few knick knacks...my gym bag... and that's about it... I'm pretty much done here.

Got comics with Zakhar and then finished up some art pieces I was writing...that's about it really. Oh...I got my 20 dollar gift card for Best Buy from HR...since the Intranet team won an "On The Spot" award...heh... did I mention that already?

Eunice finished her last day of work... wow...we won't be able to have lunch together for awhile...hmmm.

Came in late and left early...geez... Home...just before the torrential downpour... Cleaned up the crap I brought back and just lost two hours watching "I Love the 90s" ... and that's probably what I will be doing tonight...sigh... the 90's really were my formative years. As much as I love the 80's ...I was a kid then...I GREW UP in the 90s and much of what happened...made me who I am today...unfortunately. :P

I need to be productive with my week off...record, write, clean, get stuff ready, WORK OUT..man...I thought I was gaining weight...but my clothes are still loose on me...the thing is...I'm LOSING muscle... crap...must start working out again...HARDCORE... gotta do it !

Wow...Thursday already... let's get the show on the road.

urrrgh... nauseous.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004 10:19 a.m.

Ok...I'm pretty ready to get the heck outta here...I feel like I am just kind of biding my time... still got a bunch of stuff that I need to take home...dang...I got a load of crap... sheesh.

Myles, Peter, and Fred...the guys from design department took me out to Minado and we ate ...not like pigs...but close enough.

Last minute work stuff... and went to last team meeting... it's going to take 4 people to replace me... for all the things I do...it's going to be split amongst actually... 5 people...2-3 of them are completely new to the project...that's a lot of people...

The more I think about it... the more I am assured that this place is done and over with...I made a very good decision leaving at this time... who knows if this office will exist when this book is done?

Went home...loads more crap with me... and watched Batman the Animated Series and I love the 90's 92-93 with Chris and Fred.

Woke up in the middle of the night ...nauseous...stomachache... dang Minado. Weird dreams...and late for work...heh...I'm really tired from moving all this crap... and I just want this week to be over... lame duckness!

Wednesday! wooo. Let's get this done.

ugh... long commute
Tuesday, July 13, 2004 09:29 a.m.

Yesterday was somewhat uneventful...and yet it was at the same time...does that make any sense ? Work was mostly throwing away my files and getting other things ready for my departure...

Got a couple of DVDs cheap...but still a pain since one of them was all scratched up...arrgh...have to go back...maybe at lunch today... or something...anyhoo...

I left work early...at 430...and then everything spiraled south...electrical failure on the EFGVR lines...so I had to get out at Queens Plaza...and I have no idea where anything is...and the lines for the bus are just insane...the neighborhood is crazy...some car plowed into a store...a taxi almost hit a guy on a bike and I'm just trying to keep a level head and figure out what is going on...mind you...I have a ton of books I'm carrying home from work...literally 50 lbs. or more... HEAVY.

So I give up on holding my umbrella and just rest.. I call my Mom and my Dad...who happen to be home and they drive out to pick me up...that's when I run into Priscilla.

I thought I had seen her before...but wasn't too sure...and then I'm waiting for my folks...and she comes over... small talk... lent her my umbrella...got her phone number...not that I would use it... heh.

Ok...folks pick me up...home...long hot shower...exhausted... I love the 90s on VH1...I love these shows! And then sleeeeep... so beat.

Anyhooo...my two and a half hour commute was the exciting thing...I'd rather do without the excitement at the moment...ugh.

Still cleaning up here. I've got a lot on my mind...so it's mental clean up too. I'm surprised I'm not freaking out...it's been almost two years... and I think if it wasn't for Chris living with me...I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. The tossing and turning would have gotten to me...and I would literally be a mess.

But lots of things going for me...good things. New job, check. Album almost done, check. Working on novel again, check. Friends, family, etc...all good, check. Hot girl waiting for me... STATUS NOT CONFIRMED... meaning... who knows.

I'm taking everything day to day...so much can change and yet...so much stays the same. Lots of surprises...and after a long, long , long stretch of darkness...I think I'm finally seeing the light.

God is good.

Keep fighting the good fight, you emo-tards!

Tuesday... let's rock!

ugh...Monday.
Thursday, July 22, 2004 09:34 a.m.

Wow...what a gloomy day... it looks like it's gonna pour any minute...yipes. Supposed to be like this for a few days ? YUCKO.

So...first day of my last week here. I can't wait to get out of here...but it's definitely a weird feeling... A few things I need to take care of before I go...weird.

Rought time sleeping last night...dreamt Serena was beating me up... :( watched the first disc of Gungrave last night...after a slow start...I'm totally intrigued... Mafia and the whole... "you know the best friends will betray each other" and "the girl and guy don't end up together"...but HOW ?!??! thing going on... I'm ready for more...

Other than that...not much going on...still reeling from the weekend. Come on...good things are sure to come.

what a weird weekend...
Sunday, July 11, 2004 10:34 p.m.

Man...what an odd weekend... Friday I got up late and didn't get into work until like 1030...eep... anyhoo...just worked and got the last of my project done...

went home and waited for Eric...he came over and we played Halo and went home to eat... sooo beat... Jeremy, Sowon, Jeana came over and we played Halo again...and Shelb...

Got a call from Gary...they wanted me to play at LFCC on Sunday! Talk about last minute... so I got some stuff ready...

Saturday: Home...did some chores and moved stuff around...rehearsed...cleaned up... Jeremy, Sowon, Jeana over again...mroe Halo...then went home... Eric took Justin to Boston with him! My baby is in Boston right now...so weird.

Sunday...had such an odd dream this morning. I dreamt I went to an Anime convention somewhere...bought a bag full of stuff and went to Urban Outfitters...I checked my bag and when I went to leave...it wasn't the anime goodies I bought! It was a pair of neon orang Chuck Taylor's ! WTF ?!??!? I was so mad I was cursing and jumping...and then my Mom called and woke me up...got up and rehearsed...packed up for my odd little gig.

Gary picked me up and we went to the Five Star Dance Studio where LFCC has their night service..set up and played my songs... did pinioned, reverie, in your words, here comes the rain again, scent of you, unrequited, cry me a river... the acoustics were really good...and I thought I sounded GREAT...but the stone faced church crowd...sheesh....can't even joke with them... man.

Anyhooo.. My folks, my aunt, my two cousins, my uncle, Serena, Jeremy, Sowon, Sora came out...and I knew Scott and Mary and Pastor Ro... message, some praise songs, and that was that... weird ! But good. I needed to play..

I still hate Flushing...but went to eat at Laifood with Serena... I missed oyster pancakes and stinky tofu...and Serena is cute and funny...so we had a good time.. she bought me an ice cream cone and I beat her up...

Home ! So tired ! Chris was back from Boston....pretty much it...I am totally beat... man. UGH !

Last week at Holt begins Monday !

awesomeness.
Monday, July 19, 2004 04:35 p.m.

http://triadfrog.home.comcast.net/

Go Soundwave, Go Soundwave, Go !

urrgh...late.
Friday, July 9, 2004 11:09 a.m.

Ugh...didn't get into work until 1030 today...ack... overslept... kinda headachey and tired...

Yesterday...just work...comics...moving more sfuff home... how'd I end up with so much crap here ? ...no idea.

Home..ate...recorded. Been working on the new version of "love's brutality"...going to be difficult...it's probably my most emotional song...and singing it really takes a lot out of me...and if you've heard it before...you know the "it's over" ending of the song really shreds my throat... I laid down the vocals and I hope they are good as is...cause I don't want to sing that stuff again...not for awhile...just need to come up with a keyboard counter melody...and maybe a bass line... who knows.

Sabrina calls me out of the blue...she said she had a dream about me where I was really depressed...funny thing is...I'm ok... but I was wearing the Georgetown Law shirt she gave me YESTERDAY...weird ! Anyhooo...we talked about her wedding... Labor Day weekend...I'll have to make plans for that... and just catching up in general... am I ever going to meet anyone? Who knows at this point...ugh.

Then... I felt compelled to work on the novel. I wrote most of one scene...see if I can extend it into a chapter... but it felt good to try to write something...ANYTHING. And I can remove myself and realize that these are fictional characters...even though I'm basing a lot of it on my experience and people I know...it's not going to be personal.I'm in charge...and I make the rules here... so maybe the guy gets the girl in the end...who knows.

What I do know... it's Friday. TGIF. I need to rest, kiddies.

food for thought...
Thursday, July 8, 2004 09:38 a.m.

Work was weird...still have loads to do...but at the same time...it really feels like it's over. I started bringing home a lot of my stuff ...

Home...went to dry cleaners with chris...lots of food shopping too...stopped by the folks place for dinner...and to see Justin...he got bigger ! I haven't seen him in a week and he looks taller...and Philip...he's got gray hair...I really worry about that kid...he needs to be more active and social...and he needs to stop being a wise ass and start being friendly... he's going to summer school now...and really... "enrichment" is a load of crap...he needs to make friends and stuff...

And Doris... you are not fat. Stop it. You are HOT. See...I wrote it for everyone to see!

Home...recorded some vocals... and then watched some Gungrave...a little slower than I expected...better get good!

Then...had a three hour conversation with Laura...and it turned from good to worse...to ugh... we just keep rehashing the past...making imaginary boundaries that do or do not exist...and thinking we want something...when we really don't... at this point...it's better if we remain friends...and just keep our distance...at least for a while...

It's always really complicated between us...but in the end...I know I don't have any feelings like that for her...but I am attracted to her in an odd way... does that make any sense? So on my part...I can't say for sure that I will NEVER have feelings for her again...but at this point... I don't.

I think it is unfair of anyone to say that..."we will only be friends, and that's it" ...that's limiting and ignorant of the changes that the human heart is capable of... after revisiting the past this weekend at kaori's wedding...I knwo the heart is a maleable thing...we can feel more intensely or less intensely toward the people in our lives at any one point. It's just how we are as humans.

And to say... to qualify things is ridiculous in my opinion. I could possible fall in love with ...you...one day. I don't know...and that's the point. Sometimes, we see a side of a person that's new and exciting and it makes us think for a split-second..."maybe?"...and then it's gone. But what if...what if... those moments came one after another, and under the right circumstances and timing...and BAM! There you are realizing that you want to be with this person...this person that you thought was old hat...that seems so new and vibrant and gorgeous now. It could happen...it HAS happened...and it might happen again.

I don't want to close myself off to the possibility that someone in my life at this very moment...could be the one that I want to be with..I've made my mistakes in the past...(and some of them are married now or will be) and I don't want to do that again... so as for me... I'm open. I'm ready to be surprised. Are you ?

The bottom line is...we don't know each other as well as we think...and if it deepend...would we like each other more or less? I don't know. Walls are good...but being open and honest is as well... let's just see where the day takes us.

Thursday. awwww heck.

New page... in more ways then one.
Wednesday, July 7, 2004 09:45 a.m.

Archived. Loads of stuff happened on the June/July 2004 page...so check it out to catch up on the wackiness.

So...the proverbial new page. Lots of things happening. The biggest change: I quit my job yesterday. I'm still here until the 16th. But I think everyone is mentally preparing for my departure. My supervisor was really surprised...and she gave me a big hug...she said she was really pushing for my promotion...oh well.. and my old boss...when I told her I was promoted to Editor at the new company she was like "REALLY?!??!" grrrrrrr... whatever.

Mark (big fat old gay coworker) called me from his office...we had a good laugh...racial and homophobic slurs not withstanding.

Had lunch at the Shake SHack with Eunice... food was good...but small...but decently priced...I'll miss the park... oh well.

After work...started lugging more stuff home... just really beat...I need to sleep...fo real. Ate... played more Medal of Honor...did some mixdowns of "in your words" and "tearing" and cleared them out so I can work on new version of "love's brutality" it's gonna be a hard one to work on...very emotional...we'll see.

Chris came home late..Fred's cousin had a baby and they went to see. He says he wants to start going to church more often...good for him...he just got back from a retreat...retreats are good...but I'm wary of the "highs" associated with them... the stuff you take back...shouldn't all be emotional...but there has got to be some intellectual heft to it...I kind of miss going on retreats...I should go to one sometime soon...

Anyhooo... Cindy is safely in London and working...and my start date looks like it will be July 19th at Triumph...

Like I said, new page.