craptacular.
Tuesday, November 12, 2002 09:48 a.m.

The weather sucked... work was stressful...Mondays. UGH.

Was going to try to go to the gym...but just didn't make it. Went home to feel like crap...but ended up going to see the folks and the big baby for dinner. Helped with fractions ...whooo.

I'm bored. I need something to do. And I'm sick of being such a moody bitch. How do I get out of this ?

Happy Birthday Nina !!!! You are getting oooold.

wild, crazy weekend.
Monday, November 11, 2002 09:33 a.m.

Friday...not much happened after work...met up with Shelb and tok the train home. Talked to Doris for a little bit....these things come in cycles. She'll be ok , but it will take time.

Doris and I decided to go to the gym together on Saturday morning. It was fun... then she had to mee tup with her Mom for lunch and I went home to bake cookies for Sara's party. I was the first one there (since I live like 5 blocks away) until Ginny, Mark, Duane, and Sara came. The drinks... goodness...lots of them. Food, and then Michelle Blake, Duane (another one!) , Nelly, Doris and Karl showed up... all in all... too much alcohol, a bit of nudity, plenty of card playing, some shouting, and assorted crazy behavior made it ...and experience. I got there at around 4pm and left at 11... and they were still going strong. Nuts.

Sunday...got up for 1115 service at Redeemer. I have lots to pray about. And I'm in need of major prayer. Went to SPICE (yes, again) for lunch with Enny, Justin, Roy. Enny was only here for the weekend and then she is off to LA... we had a quick lunch and they went off to see Urinetown...um...ok. Grace Chung called. I'll have to call her back. We have stuff to talk through? Hmmm... then I went to grab a coffee with Nicole and checked out her apartment...which was nice. She's been a great friend lately and has just been really cool. She's got some man problems...but they seem to be minor. Aren't they all? We have so many other things to worry about in life...but God is in control. Nothing happens haphazard.

I think I am ambidexterous. I use my left for a lot of things. Must test this out more. Another freakish talent!

I mgiht have an Australian roommate in January! More on this later....

On a mission from God...
Friday, November 8, 2002 09:21 a.m.

Work was kinda hectic...still feeling a bit sick...no gym for me...it's been over a week! I must go tomorrow! MUST !

So...ended up going home. Been meeting all these random people that want to get into publishing...the comic book store girl! Anyways, went home for dinner with Mom and Justin...my Dad has been working overtime..he got back as I was leaving...

Was watching Hellsing last night... anime about a government group that exterminates vampires...anyways...there motto is "We are on a mission from God"...which is what I should be thinking! Ok....I'm not packing any vampire busting gear...but I should be doing what my God given talents dictate me to do...which is to write. So... off with more contests and submissions to journals. I must do it. I must keep sludging ahead and getting my stuff done. I need to be focused on what is right for me and what my "mission" is.

Was on IM with Ryo for awhile...my old freaky roommate from freshman year...we should hang out more... he's still a freak...but hey...who isn't?

TGIF... busy weekend ? Looks like it.

it's a smaaaall world.
Thursday, November 7, 2002 09:53 a.m.

Ok...first off...took a sick day yesterday. Not feeling all that great... did a lot of thinking, cleaning up, and napping.

Realizing that things could be worse...I 'm sick of moping. I miss being fun and funny and witty and just myself. So, here's the plan. I live in denial of all that's transpired and just go out and have fun with my friends. Do what I have to do to make myself a better person. And just be ok with being me again. There are things I cannot change and things that I can. So...what's it going to be?

Oh boy, it's a really small world. New York is a big place...but still. Quite funny. In order not to embarass myself and anyone else... I'll just leave it at that. But it's funny. You'll have to ask me in person. Not fit for public consumption at this point.

Ok...back to work with me. Yeeeehaaaaaw!

urrrgh...
Wednesday, November 6, 2002 12:55 p.m.

So yesterday... training and did a bunch of work...

Some minor developments...but nothing to really write about. After work, did a little shopping to kill sometime. Just trying to keep busy.

Called Nicole and talked abit as I waited to meet up with Denise. Denise ended up being really cool. She contacted me through the Tufts alumni service thing and she wanted to learn about the publishing industry. We had coffee and ended up talking some more at Grand Central. She's traveled a lot ...all over the world and seems to have a good head on her shoulders. Taking all the right steps to get into the publishing world. Really cool.

Ended up coming home late... had a stomac ache and an awful, awful nightmare about the same old stuff. So I took a sick day...I can't control my subconscious. It's just something that needs time to work through. My poor heart. I'm still waiting for the healing...in the meantime...keeping busy and trying to be productive. Goodness, I need your prayers.

old skool...
Tuesday, November 5, 2002 03:27 p.m.

More work... rain sucks.

Met up with Rena Tucker for drinks at the Joshua tree (it's funny cause there was one by Tufts) ...and we talked about what we are doing now and where we've been. She's traveled a lot and is settled in NY. And practically married so she does all this domesticated stuff... not so much the indie chick I used to know. But she has dinner parties all the time....so I might get to go over and see how much she's changed. She's definitely cool and I'm glad she is in NYC. Old times...

Drama developing? Not sure what is going on just yet...but wait and see... every day is a surprise. Could be good or bad.

Best of U2 and new Tori Amos to keep me busy. Oh yeah...and work!

old skool...
Tuesday, November 5, 2002 03:27 p.m.

More work... rain sucks.

Met up with Rena Tucker for drinks at the Joshua tree (it's funny cause there was one by Tufts) ...and we talked about what we are doing now and where we've been. She's traveled a lot and is settled in NY. And practically married so she does all this domesticated stuff... not so much the indie chick I used to know. But she has dinner parties all the time....so I might get to go over and see how much she's changed. She's definitely cool and I'm glad she is in NYC. Old times...

Drama developing? Not sure what is going on just yet...but wait and see... every day is a surprise. Could be good or bad.

Best of U2 and new Tori Amos to keep me busy. Oh yeah...and work!

wedding...wonderful woes.
Monday, November 4, 2002 09:19 a.m.

Packed weekend !

Friday: After Excel training I met up with Eunice for lunch at a Chinese place. Came back and finished my workies and met up with Shelb and Elaine at the Belmont Lounge near Union Square. Had a few and got rightfully buzzed. had dinner at Friend of a Farmer... I thought Shelbe and Elaine got along well...eh. Went to the Marriot to pick up a flu-y Christin and headed back home. Made Christin some food and Eric and Lei came in.

Saturday: Wedding prep... people being driven over and I was at home doing the ironing. Had lunch with Eric, Oph, Nina, Shelb, and then got ready to go to the wedding. Eric picked up Mary, Kathleen, Joanne and we got to Bethany just on time. Huge church. Nice ceremony...wheee...Lester and Jamie are hitched!

Long drive to the Palisadeum with Amy... finally, FINALLY see Jessica Song after all these years. her bfriend Paul is pretty cool. Random people...Mike Lee and Ghiwon from STuy! and a whole bunch of NCPC folks. It was a good time. I got a ton of drinks and tried to drown my sorrows away with drink and dancing. Lots of both. I'm so happy for them...but I can't help thinking about the sorry state I am in. Lord, you know what is best for me and You have a plan. That's the only hope I have. Amy and Christin came back and we planned for Sunday.

Sunday: Ack... drove to Brooklyn to pick up Amy's Mom...no way we could make church...so we went to Gameeok for suhrong tahng.... then we parted ways and I met up with Nicole and her friend Jan for a little bit and had a funny incident where some white folks thought some kid had an accident at the restuarant...but it was just that old skool stinky tofu! Anyways...headed home and Eric was back ...then Justin , Alex and the rest came over for a huge dinner. Sopranos, and bed... whew.

I need to be ok. Time heals things...but I'm always feeling like somehting is missing. I just want this year to be over. 2003 must be better.

Halloween...
Friday, November 1, 2002 02:03 p.m.

Work has been getting busier and busier...urrrgh.

Got home early and I took Justin and Deborah trick or treating. A bunch of kids in the apartment building got together and traveled in a group.It was cute...but Justin was just wearing a Vince Carter jersey and Debbie didn;t put on her witches hat. Sheesh...they are getting older... they got a bunch of candy and gave me what they didn't want. And we watched some anime.

More dreams...crap... about picking a baseball team ? Odd... what is this crap???

Pray for Romana and Nicole... some bad stuff and stress going down.

Lester and Jamie's wedding tomorrow...gonna be a hectic weekend...urrrgh. I hope it's good and everyhting runs smoothly. Weddings depress me now.

chilly...
Thursday, October 31, 2002 09:14 a.m.

work...eep. been super productive with the editing. I deserve a raise.

Not much going on... it's always a matter of me waiting on other people. Seems like my patience has been rattled. The interminable sense of being powerless...relying on timing. It's always about that. Things can go from great to crap...juts because of timing. I say, bring it on. I can adapt. I can change.

Home for dinner. Kids coming over tonight for trick or treating ? I'm not sure... ah, well... I need something to do.

This weight loss is pretty amazing...though it's kind of scary. I think I'm approaching my high school size/if not weight...since I put on muscle. I have no pants left. I think I have 3 pairs that fit me. And I have to cinch my belt... cinch it!

Talking to one of my coworkers about old skool hip-hop and Rand B stuff and we talked about Run DMC briefly...and this morning...heard the news that the DJ was murdered in Hollis... that's near me ! Weird... Lord, have mercy.

Happy Halloween... be safe kiddies.

family stuff...
Wednesday, October 30, 2002 09:25 a.m.

Been busy at work...actually doing some editing instead of the mechanical stuff...wooo.

After work...met up with Doris and Sara for a drink. We are still thinking about how we are going to do this elementary/junior high reunion thing...it should be fun. But where and when? We need to get the ball rolling on this.

Went to Doris' house for dinner. Her mom, sister, and aunts were there and they were still eating vegetarian. It's hard. Her brother was in China...so I was th eonly male in the house. They are doing better...but I know that the absence of her father will be with them for a long time. What can I say...not much. It doesn't make the loss any better. Pray for her and her family.

Still restless...more weird dreams. I'm hoping this stuff ends soon.

Women are cruel and fickle. They all are. We men are just idiots. It's true. But I'm trying to be one of the good dumb-dumbs.

lightweight returns !
Tuesday, October 29, 2002 09:31 a.m.

work has kept me pretty dang busy.

Christine finished her GREs and got a respecatable score. Good for her!

After work...met up with Elaine in the LES and we went bar hopping a bit... man, I cannot handle my liquor...had a beer, martini, half a sangria, and a bit of a bloody mary and I was wasted! Sheesh...anyways...we had a good talk and she listened to me whine a bit. I need to stop doing that! And we stumbled to Chinatown and met her friend Jing for Malaysian food...and... asober subway ride home.

Elaine actaullyl called me when I got home. It's funny. But no, none of her friends will ever be my type. I don;t think I am ready for anything like this anyways.

Nicole called and we talked abit about ehr boy problems. She's in a bit of a bind. But what can you do. The heart and head sometimes don't work in tandem. Ah, well...such is life.

Restless night again. But I'm done with poetry contest entry number 2. It would be great if I won something...but right now...I'm not betting on anything. I just need to keep occupied and be the dazzling person (ha!) I used to be.

I want to feel again. This isn't fair. Lord, take this away!

rough weekend... why !??!?
Monday, October 28, 2002 09:40 a.m.

Friday: Met up with the folks in Chinatown and had dinner. They came over and watched A.I. (which had my Mom in tears, of course...) Had a talk with Romana...stuff needs to get figured out.

Saturday: Not much besides running some errands and thinking way too much. The nightmares and dreams are just getting to be too much for me to handle. I'm not sure what is better. Knowing or not knowing... all I am sure about is that I need to get on with my life and do the things that I am supposed to be doing. Amy and Grace ended up sticking around Jersey and when they went to the city...I had already had dinner with the folks and Shelb would be on his way over. Oh well...

Sunday... Went to Redeemer. Ran into grace from small group and talked a little bit. She seems pretty nice. Then met up with Perry, Christina, Grace and Amy... it was too warm in the auditorium and I fell asleep in the middle of writing a sentence! Anyways... we all had a quick lunch. Planning to call Grace sometime soon. I've missed her. I'll be seeing Amy at the wedding this coming weekend. Went to the gym and talked with Romana...worked some stuff out. She needs to take care of some business in Philly. Pray for her. Dinner with the folks and TV...was in bed by 10...unconscious by like 1130... dreamt about moving to SF... who knows.

Pray for me. I need to know that God is in control and that all the things I've been through are under His hand. I need some major change in my life. For the better. It's been a whole season that has taken me to the breaking point. It has to end soon. I'm stronger than I think I am.

this has got to stop.
Friday, October 25, 2002 09:19 a.m.

Work was work...

Made it all the way over to 34h and 7th to have some Popeye's with Eunice. I've seen her 3 times in one week! I think that might be a record. I guess we are both ho-hum about certain things...but she's definitely in a better place than I am.

Sold some DVDs courtesy of Nancy's DKNY postings. Thanks Nance! And headed home for dinner with the folks and Justin. he keeps doing these weird dances...cute...but odd !

I was in bed by 9:45... watched some anime...but had a fitful night of sleep... dreams kept coming back... woke up every hour almost and had some sort of odd dream about the past. All I know is that it has to stop. Lord, relase me from the things that have happened. I need to forgive and be forgiven and look forward to the future grace and mercy that You have in store.

Pray for me. I can't possibly continue like this.

And new terror threat in NY...subways and transport ways are targets? I hope all that I know and love...know just how much I care about them. There are so many people in my life and my heart has always been full. Even if I seem colder now...I'll always be me. the Abe that can't hide emotions and feels too much. I've got HUGE walls now...but that doesn't mean I stopped caring.

TGIF. I hope it's a good one.

manly men!
Thursday, October 24, 2002 09:22 a.m.

Had an oddly productive day at work...got a lot done even though I felt like I was slacking...oh, well...

After work...went over to see Yvette and went with her to pick up her check. We had a good little talk about upcoming events. I don't have much info...and I have to admit I'm not very optimistic these days. All I know is that I am who I am...even if that means I am a colder, harder version nowadays. I feel like I have a stone in my chest sometimes. I just don't care as much...but I do care.

Went to the gym late and stayed for a lot longer than ususal. Jack and Shelb were around and we lifted. I'm still not used to free weights...but running was cathartic. I'm really getting thin now. It's scary how I am approaching my high school weight. I'll keep it up. If you haven't seen me in awhile...I think it will come as a shock. I look good... but don't feel quite as great.

We had UNO's after...ugh. I don't like that place.

Called up Amy and we prayed together. It's just been such a weird year for both of us. I'm at a loss here. Not sure what is real and what to make of all of this. But God is in control. Choosing Him over all our fleeting desires makes sense and in the end it is for the best. I need to have faith. I need to be healed. I need grace and mercy...and I need to give it too.

urrrgh...my eyes !
Wednesday, October 23, 2002 09:11 a.m.

Work is ongoing...but my eyes are all bloodshot! I think all the sleepless nights are finally taking their toll. I need carrots and vitamins...I think.

Went home after work... hung out with Justin and helped him with his homework for a bit. He still acts like a baby sometimes and wants to be held. Sucha abig baby too! Had dinner with the folks and went home after.

Nancy was supposed to swing by around 11 to pick up some DVDs she sold for me in her office. (She sold 7 in like 20 mins. after posting! woooo!) But she was there at 930! Her Bible Study group got cancelled so she was sitting in the lobby reading. We hung out for a bit and I needed to sleep early. My poor eyes!

Talked to Romana a bit... the drama unfolds. I pray that she will be doing the right thing for her. Nicole called from work...that's insane ! She's still at work around midnight! Unimaginable.

I'm feeling better these days. Stronger..more aware of my worth. And if you can't see that...well...you don;t know me. I am unique! I am alive.

what is it about the past?
Tuesday, October 22, 2002 09:28 a.m.

Work is... you know. My eye has been bugging me lately... dry. Maybe I need to cry more? HAHAHHAHA.

Went to get a haircut after work in Chinatown and then hung out for a bit and waited for Christin and Eunice to get there for dinner. It's my worlds colliding again! High school and college friends meeting...how weird! But it wasn't both of them are sweet and amiable. And we had Joe Shanghai shaolongbao to keep us busy. SOOOO GOOOD. In any case...it was good to see them both. Christin is... doing better. But I think we are both in the same boat. It sucks. Life goes on...but the past keeps haunting us. I'm better than a month ago...but I'm not feeling normal. Neither is Christin. Eunice is fine except for the job stuffies...but I think she will be taken care of. In any case...good dinner, good conversation. No sketch factor...thank goodness.

Got home and had a long talk with Amy... again...the past arises and things need to be dealt with. I'm very cynical nowadays and I don't believe what anyone says anymore. How can I? But if Amy is getting some sort of healing...I pray that things get resolved for her. We need to pray for each other more. I miss having Amy around and our "bathroom ritual" (hahhahaha...no details...it's funnier that way!)...but we're still there for each other.

Still not sleeping well... what is up with that !??!?!

You know...I'm pretty good looking...I shouldn't get down on myself...especially since I've lost so much weight this year...I need to keep it up. I need an ego boost. Can't feel like crap anymore.

Why doesn't anything make sense?

weekend madness of sorts.
Monday, October 21, 2002 09:15 a.m.

Recap time:

Friday night... went to see the Ring with Eunice... we tried a bunch of theaters and ended up going to see the 915 show by 34th and 8th... so we ended up with a bunch of time to kill. Had some Blimpie goodness... The movie was scaaaaary and I think we missed a good 1/4 of it peeking through our fingers. It was good to see Eunice in person after so long too !

Saturday...cleaning up and prep for the Open Mic night at AAWW. Got there just as the list was about to close...but I got squeezed in and read 7th! Nicole was there for morale support and I was a big hit according to her...Once the adrenaline gets pumping I kind of zone out and don't really get back to reality until later. But it was a good response. We had to leave early and grab a bite at Han Bat since Nicole had to go back to work at Lehman. Walked her over and had some good conversation...she's turning out to be a good friend amidst all the turmoil in my life.

Sunday...was planning to go to night service with Angela but she ended up going to Mass instead...but Georgene called and we had dinner at Spice with her friend Yasmine. No matter how you cut it ...G is going to be a lawyer yuppie. She's got a bunch of interviews lined up and I'm sure she'll succeed.

Still having nightmares. What can I do ? I still miss her. I'm not sure what it is going to take to move on. I don't know if I want closure...but it's not my choice. I've been shaken and stirred and I need some "tranquility"... but time heals all wounds...even a broken heart... right ? Pray for me.

It's Monday. Ugh.

packed day...
Friday, October 18, 2002 09:18 a.m.

Work....arrgh...being the jackofalltrades... lots to do.

Went for lunch with Mary Park...she's got a hardcore passion for the Lord and for the church. She's strong willed and focused...wow. Impressive.

Set up one of my coworkers with my former student, Deanna...they are having lunch today...heheheh see what happens.

DInner with Abnel and Nancy (Charles picked her up later... finally got to meet him!)... a week late for her bday but the celebration continues... we went to Cheesecake Factory in LI... the funniest thing is...Abnel is dating Jamie Yoo !!!! From my junior high school days!!! Know how I've been saying how these things are all falling into place for some kind of circulargoingbackwaaaayback thing? Well...I called Sara and it sounds like we are gonna try to make it a go.... small world, isn't it ?

Made a bunch of calls last night...poor Mary Tsai....stressed out at school. I hope she can focus and get what she needs to get done these next few days. She's got a good head on her shoulders...but stress and a cold can knock you for a loop.

Nicole is being kept at work at unreasonable hours...I think she stays there well past midnight. It's insane!

Well...it's TGIF time... the days are flying by...am I feeling better? Do things still haunt me...of course. But God is in control. I'm just trying to live a life uncommon.

being productive...
Thursday, October 17, 2002 09:20 a.m.

Yeah...work and rain...not good.. Christine was out sick...and I think she is out again...hmmm...

After work...braved the rain to meet with Jennie Choe. Helped her out on her law school application essay. We always seem to get a long well ...she's easy to talk to and we aren't biased by what our mutual friends say about us...heheheh...and I actually met NA... I believe she is scared.

Jennie bought me dinner at Chat N' Chew...which was very nice...and we made some major progress on her essay by the time we got to barnes and noble. I hope she does well!

Talked with Romana for awhile too..I think we ae both making some headway... healing comes with time. God is in control...nothing "just happens" ...there is a reason for it all.

Had a nightmare about zombies... ack.... Resident Evil/Real Bout High School style...don't ask.

working out...
Wednesday, October 16, 2002 09:23 a.m.

so... more work... gloomy day.

Went to the gym for awhile...went home...watched Buffy.... Gave Sunny a call ...she's doing ok but stressed. Seal has some drama...but it's not "official" for public consumption yet.

Me...I'm stilll trying to keep on and get my life together. Do I want to go back to the person I was before all of the major highs and lows of this year? Or do I want to be "highly evolved" and change into something else? I'm not sure. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin anymore and I'm looking for answers that I don't know if I want or if I will ever get.

I need to feel again. I want to laugh out loud and toss my head back and feel that all is right with the world. But it isn't ...is it ?

weekend...
Tuesday, October 15, 2002 09:13 a.m.

hoooooboy... lots to tell...

Friday... another day of work and rainy misery. We had our office party for Kathleen's retirement...so I proceeded to take advantage of the open bar and drank my fill. The misery gets numbed...but it's still there. Had a few laughs with co-workers (you can't really help it after 7 hardcore cocktails)...the food was great. But trying to find my aunt in the LES was not so easy... I finally tracked ehr and her friend Hazel down at Veniero's where I had my water and they had dessert. We ended up going to Brooklyn to pick up her sisters...and then by the time I got to Queens...I was ready to pass out.

Saturday... woke up slightly hung over...and with a terrible nightmare about my Dad... in any case... I dreamt that I was walking through a town filled with my friends...but no one could comfort me... the one person I was looking for wasn't there...adn didn;t care. Sound familiar? Yeah...I still have some stuff to work through, don't I ? That and the stuff lingering from Doris' situation... it's really working it's way throuhg my psyche. Lord, help me! Went to Jersey with my family for my Mom's bday... couldn't do much since it was raining...os it was TV, babysitting and eating.

Sunday was mor eof the same...but I actually got out to the gym and ran a bit... Feeling kind of dizzy and run down...kept taking naps... I blame it on the lack of stimulants. Needless to say...I couldn't make it back to Queens on my own... sick day.

Monday.... sick day... but feeling better... went with the fmaily to farms and apple picking... had a lot of time to think... and I realize that I am better. You can't just stop feeling... more time... and I relaize that I might not want to hear any answers... cause in the end... the fact remains. She's out of my life and there isn't a thing I can do about it. She meant so much to me...and now she's out there without me. I can't make up any scenarios...it will drive me crazy...

Anyways...w e didn't get home until almost midnight...so I am in need of some catching up and I need to put the finishing touches on my revised manuscript for my entry in this poetry contest. I don't think I'm going to win... but I can try and keep entering a bunch...maybe I'll get lucky. The up swing has to come sooner or later, no? It can't rain all the time....etc... etc... pray for me. No drama!

change is good...right?
Friday, October 11, 2002 09:18 a.m.

Work...ugh. No change there.

Met up with Yvette after work for a little bit. Some kind of plan she is cooking up... more details later as the plot thickens. We went to get some curved sewing needles for her to patch up her couch...ok. Then she went to meet some of her friends for drinks... which I am curious to hear the results of. Funny thing is... Rich (Ray's brother) whom I haven't seen in years (and saw at his uncle's funeral on Monday) lives in Yvette's building! He rode down on the elevator with her...

Met up with Christin for some Soul Food... walked by the Counting Crows concert...which must have been better than the food we had. The funny thing is...Christin is staying at the Marriott Marquis and Rich...I ran into him again! Was DJing at a wedding reception at the hotel...it gets weirder. While Christin and I had our chicken and collards... Charles (Doris' boyfriend's brother) came into the restuarant to pick up a menu. He lives across the street...but it's funny how I haven't seen him in ages and the last time was on Monday...and how I ended up seeing him again...same day as I saw Rich... weird.

Anyways, Christin is a little better...we had bad ice cream (a night of crappy food) and watched TV for awhile. Amy and Carrie called and we had a little fun playing with them on the phone. I answered when Amy called and tried to pull a fast one...too bad she knows my voice so well.

Sabrina called...she's in the DC area...which has me worried with allthe crazy sniper stuff going on. And I called Nancy... taking her out for her bday with Abnel next week.

It was a packed day...but I still didn't sleep well...and I'm still thinking the same things... and I still miss her.

But I've got to do what is right for me ... but what is right for me? What do you do when a part of you has died?

I want to feel alive again. It's hard. I'm praying that God will show me the answers and fill me with the hope that I sometimes think is gone.

TGIF... lots to be done.

why do these things bug me ?
Thursday, October 10, 2002 09:17 a.m.

More work...icky icky work.

Had dinner with Kate last night...she's definitely changed so much since college. She's out dating now and unleashing her wild side I suppose. We had Peruvian and did a little CD shopping. It was good seeing her. As always... lots of questions and insights.

Romana has some major drama unfolding now. I always think we lead parallel lives...things that happen to her seem to kind of happen to me a few months or weeks later. We'll see.

I've decided to give screen writing a try. I have ideas...do I have ideas...but I wonder if they can be done.

Doris is doing ok...but it will be a long time before things are ever anywhere normal. All I can do is be there for her when she needs me.

Dreams... why are they haunting me... had a dream about someone from my past... it involved cars, lottery tickets, grocery shopping, and reconciliation...I guess that's all I can share about it. But I feel like I always have unfinished business. Lord, I need to forgive and be forgiven.

I still care. I can't help it. I've grown some walls these past few months. But in the end I'm still a confused, hurt boy. I want to grow up and love and be loved. Reciprocity. One day....

how much longer?
Wednesday, October 9, 2002 09:18 a.m.

Another day of work... another day of the drudgery that I don't want anymore.

Went to the gym for a quick (but much needed) run... I visited Yvette for a little bit before... but that was basically it...the only interesting thing was that I ran into EVA LEE !!! I was talking with Sara the day before about people we should track down for our PS131/Ryan reunion...and lo and behold... Eva joined NYSC... she's living with her boyfriend in Forest Hills and is a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company....the funny thing is when I told Gary about it...he says that Eva's old best friend Vicky is attending the new church he is at! So...everything seems to be coming full circle...I wonder if we will ever actually get together?

The past... stretching all the way to the beginning and coming back to the more recent days gone by. I don't know what I need to be healed...but I know that I need to be taken care of at the moment. I can't deal with the hurt by myself anymore, Lord...have mercy on me! I need to find some joy again... this downcycle is too much to bear. I miss feeling alive and free... I need to get over all of this.

I need sleep.

too much to handle?
Tuesday, October 8, 2002 09:12 a.m.

Let's start with Friday: After work...went to see Red Dragon with Yvette. Pretty darn good movie...I'm surprised that Brett Ratner did sucha good job...but with such an amazing cast... how could he not... but Anthony Hopkins and the "Southern accent" that Haniibal does...puzzling. Got home early and Eric came home. We went home for a quick late dinner with the folks and went back to my place and passed out.

Saturday: Got up bright and early and went with Eric, Shelb. Jack to the gym...had a good run and benched for the first time in awhile. Then went home for showers and went to pick up Justin for Harvest Buffet with the boys. Tossed the football around for a bit...quick nap and then Chris and Nina came over... Pizza... Cil, Roseanncame by and then we went out clubbing later that night. Jennie Choe called and wanted to hang out...but scheduling conflicts...ack... so we hit 2I (two eye?) for some hi-hop and drinks and met up with Viv Yuen, James, Amy Jean, Melody (?), and Joanne... Jen Yun showed up later to hang with her friends and I ran into Spencer and Cynthia from Tufts also... we had a good time dancing and had a few... Shelb and Jack had a bit too much to drink so the boys hung out for a bit after the girls went home... we went to Florent in the Meat Packing District for breakfast and got home about 4:30... it was a night.

Sunday...actually got up for church...but there were problems with the train...so went home to get Justin and the folks for lunch...and they wanted buffet !!! ACK!! went to Minado in Glen Cove...reallly nice sushi buffet...I just couldn't eat that much...but it was a nice place...then me and Eric went to visit Gary and Lisa at the apartment and then to see Chris and Nina (my aunt was out) before dinner with the folks and Eric taking off for Boston again...so Sunday night... had to get ready for the unpleasant things on Monday...

Monday: Got up on time...but had a rough night...not sleeping well again...way too much stuff on my mind...the same things but with added stress...life, love, death...all mingled together. Met up with Elisa near the funeral home and ran into Sara...we went in to see Doris and her family... the grief was palpable... wailing and crying and loud music and burning incense...it was a lot to take...This was my first Chinese/Buddhist funeral...so I didn't really know what to do...tying a white ribbon around the waist and red one for later and other things... There is no comfort there...Doris and her family... went to hug them and just saw the hurt in their eyes. Afterwards...the funeral procession (about 100 black Town Cars) drove to Westchester ...Valhalla (how fitting) to the cemetery. The burial was very traditional and we had to take a piece of candy (to take away the bitterness) and a nickel that we had to use to buy candy before we got home. The ride back and to the plot was a little awkward with Elisa, Sara and me talking about our lives and plans... life goes on..

We got back to Chinatown for a late lunch that was punctuated with some ceremonial stuff...the family had to eat vegetarian... it was a big meal..but I couldn't really eat... Elisa went home but Sara, Charles,Jen, and I stayed... Karl was sitting with Doris... it was hard. The train ride home with Sara was ok..we talked a bit...and we should hang out more...she still talks to a lot of peopel from Elementary school! In any case...we decided to take Doris out sometime when she is ready.

I don't know what to say at times like this. Nothing makes the pain go away ...only time and trying to live for the living. Pray for Doris and her fmaily.

I called Ray when I got home and told him that I went to the funeral...he didn't really say much...we just talked about other things...it was good talking to him again and catching up...

Talked to Romana, Amy, and Christin...lots of plans... fun things hopefully... life is so short...I'm glad I have good friends... and I want to be a good friend. It's been a hard year.

Pray for my Mom...her galll bladder has been acting up again...which makes me nervous... Lord, help us through all of this.

Now...back to work...trying to keep on... there are so many good things... but we are blind because we get so wrapped up in the heartache. Healing...waiting for healing. And a full night's rest for once.

inspiration?
Friday, October 4, 2002 09:17 a.m.

TGIF... thank goodness...I've had a lot on my mind this week...with all of my friends and myself...not doing too well...it's been rough. Haven't been sleeping well...and passing out while listening to anime in the background is the only way I can get any sleep lately. So...thank you Hyper Police!

Last night...after work I went up to Columbia...Lynn made me dinner! I was very impressed. I haven't been in a dorm room in ages...so that's what they look like now! After a home cooked meal... we went to see Louise Gluck, one of my Top 5 favorite poets, read at Barnard. She only read for about 30 mins. but it was good to finally meet her. (Though, I think she sounds better in my head...) I wrote her a letter and slipped her my manuscript...I hope she reads it. I think a lot of my old work was probably inspired by some of her poems. In any case... so that's Louise Gluck. (pronounced GLICK, mind you.)

Justin fractured his arm while playing ball! He has a cast on it for three weeks! I can't believe it!! Poor baby!

Been thinking a lot...which I shouldn't... Life has to move on, for everyone, what did you think Abe? I'm just wondering if she even thinks about me anymore...and whether or not she cares... because silence...that's the thing that hurts me most. I've been through this before...and I don't want to ever again. I still miss her. But who is she now? I'm not sure... a stranger.

Eric will be coming home tonight...I think I might go catch Red Dragon with Yvette before he gets home though... I dunno...

So, this is October... I hope good things happen this month...because the last 2 have SUCKED. Lord, help me !

oh...my back...
Thursday, October 3, 2002 09:35 a.m.

What is up with this weather??? It's October and it's still in the 80's ? What gives ?

Regular day of work...though I had a "late lunch" appointment with a certain "association"... I don't know if I will get it...or if they want me...or if I want the position... it's a wait and see thing. WHo knows... change is good, no ?

Was going to go to the gym...but my stomach was not agreeing with me ( I skipped lunch again) and my lower back has been giving me some problems lately.. urrrgh.

So I caught up on Buffy and finished GTO 4... seems like I am back to pre-Crisis Abe days... which sucks..

My life was changed forever...and now...I don't know if it is healthy to want to forget EVERYTHING that's happened these past 6 months...or if I should still be in pain or what... I just miss being happy and joyful... I miss so many things... I just want to feel alive and free. Lord, help me...I need something good.

too much meat !!!
Wednesday, October 2, 2002 09:16 a.m.

it was another day of work...we have a new Executive Editor...she seems nice enough...but I'm not sure of anything here anymore...urrrgh.

Hung out with Yvette for a little bit. She had an interview with a weird freelance guy from some indie film production team...um...ok. Then we wen tto Toys R' Us and just goofed around a bit.

Then I went to meet Christin for dinner...she's been having a hard time with personal stuff, family, and work...the triple whammy! Pray for her. But at least her company is putting her up in the Marriot Marquis ! COOL !!! We ended up going to Churascurria Plataforma... this place reminded us of Paraguay...but REALLY high scale... it was prix fixe buffet style...for 40 bucks a plate ! But it was worth it...good stuff... didn't gorge though...so we were good. Lots of meat. I iwll be eating salad for awhile to offset my soaring cholesterol level.

Then we walked around Times Square for a bit and went back to the hotel for drinks. I'm doing better than Christin is...and I know she will be fine given time...like me...it takes a long time to get over the heartache and heartbreak...but God is in control, isn't He? In hindsight we'll understand everyhting...but now.. this is the hard part... making it out of the dark.

So... big day today...more on this later. Change is good...hopefully things will fall into place. We'll see. I'm praying that I'll have some discernment and the opportunity for new endeavors... Lord, knows I need it.

where to begin...
Tuesday, October 1, 2002 09:09 a.m.

whew... what a weekend...I guess I'll go in chronological order...since that makes more sense.

Friday night ... ran some errands and met up with Nicole before we went to Redeemer small group at the Kong's. It was weird not having Irene around...but I guess I've gotten to know Nicole pretty well and she was a familiar face I could latch onto. The group seemed to be friendly...new faces and such, but I think I will be sticking with this group. They've been wroking through Stott's book "Christ"...and it's a quick, but deep study. Prayed with Nicole, Inbok, and Nelly... who knows if they will be back? But praying with them was good. The group stayed to watch Fight Club (because Tim Keller mentioned it in his sermons!) but I left at almost 11...tired.

Saturday... didn't really do much... stuck around at home and cleaned up mostly, Was going to go out but ended up staying in with Justin and my aunt.

Sunday... headed out to meet with Nicole to go to Calvary@ 6...a new church by 21st and Park...it was very traditional... even had real wine with Communion! Dip the wafer in ...which I had never done. Nicole and I went down to the West VIllage and had Spanish food and got to talking. She's really cool and we seem to connect...at least in terms of our hard rock tendencies. It's nice having a new friend to talk to about random stuff. She's still getting used to NY and all...but we'll have more time to hang out and explore the city.

Monday...ok...the hard part. Sunday morning, Doris called and told me her father passed away on Thursday. I think she's still in shock and trying to make sense of it all. It seems so quick since he started treatment ... I really don't know what to say. I took a day off on Monday to visit her and try to just listen. It was hard... her family was making arrangements and doing all of the Buddhist rituals. I just wanted to be there for Doris but I didn't really know what to do or say ...but just be there. We had lunch and took a walk and I just hung out with her and listened all day. Heading home...all I could do was pray and make myself available to her and her family.

I went home for dinner... Mom and Justin were around...but dad was out... in any case... they know that I love them.

So, back to work... trying to do what I need to do... change on the horizon? Who knows? Lord...You are in control.