high brow, low brow...
Wednesday, June 12, 2002 09:05 a.m.

Looks like this week is going to be filled with smartie/dum-dum moments.

Dumb stuff: got me the Korn DVD (which is aaaaaarrrrrsome.), Excel Saga (finally,,,thanks DLW!), and Buffy Season 2.

Smart stuff: Started reading "Absalom, Absalom!" which has been on my "To Read list" since like 1996. :( I'm finally getting to it and dangnabbit if it doesn't make me want to read Wuthering Heights again...anyways... i thank Esther for making me want to read Faulkner again... next it will be Hemingway or ...Joyce...ack.

Esther is in Virginia at the moment...and she'll be traveling elsewhere soon. I miss her. A lot. She called to let me know she got there ok. So...I guess she is having lots of fun...and here I am working on California Reading Standards charts. Joy.

Romana, Elaine, and Sabrina ll called within the span of like 5 minutes... eeeep. Good to hear from them.

I don't like being at work. It's weird. :(

together...and alone.
Tuesday, June 11, 2002 09:05 a.m.

The real journal is getting a major work out. Let me just say what I can say: we are still together...but she will be traveling for a month and a half... and figuring out what she wants and needs.

I keep telling myself I am a man of great patience. Now I need to prove it to myself and her. I'll be waiting in the wings.

So, this is how it feels.

waaaaay too much happened.
Monday, June 10, 2002 09:31 a.m.

wow...what a weekend. Too much happened. Just a quick update. The really important stuff goes in the real journal--in pen.

Well, my compnay laid off nearly half of my department...I'm still around...but I do not feel good or confident in anything at the moment. It is a weird place to be.

Y100 Feztival was awesome. Unwritten Law, Jimmy Eat World, Dashboard Confessional, Papa Roach, Incubus, and s System of a Down...lotts of fun... got kicked in the head by EMO kids crowd surfing, got my bum pinched and a boob pressed to my arm by some skanky girl who wanted to sit on my shoulders ( I declined.) All in all...loads of fun.

Picnic, cliche and lovely... pizza and chicken with the fmaily and friends. World Cup...Korea vs. US....more family and fun... and anime.

and yet... my heart is breaking...but it is hopeful. I believe... Lord, I believe. help.

Tae Kwon Do nunchuck master is superkawaiiiii !!!!
Thursday, June 6, 2002 09:32 a.m.

More work...which sucks... some friends having problems... but all in all...things are as they are. That's life. Ok...I make no sense now... Kinda giddy.

Had drinks and a light dinner with Elaine... she's doing well...possibly teaching English in Asia...we had a great time just talking about crap and all the changes we are going through. Trash talking some BAKA people that we know...and trying to get a hook up going on... more on this later. Elaine likes organic stuffs...no chemicals... but soaked in SHIT...literally.

Home... had a private demo of the 14 progressions of the nunchaku style of one Eun Joo Kim. She showed me some axe kicks and stuff worthy of her black belt degree...she looks pretty dang dangerous...but hotdang !!!! she's too cute. I couldn't help but chuckle and cringe in fear at the same time.

My goodness... brilliant, talented, funny, gorgeous, witty, creative, AND ...she can kick my @$$! Wooo...she's a keeper.

And pizza. She likes pizza.

and I like her. I like her a lot.

crisis averted...
Wednesday, June 5, 2002 09:31 a.m.

yeah...sometimes you need to put yourself through the terror and dread of doubt to get to a place where you can be more certain. My over analytical brain...and overactive imagination sometimes claim me... and I need to process thigns and make sense of them before I come out at the other end of the tunnel and realize what I want to do.

It makes sense. It's terrifying and takes a lot of bravery (stuff that I don't usually have) to really get on with just this day. My "baggage"... all the crap, hurt, disappointment, betrayals of trust... I can't make those things go away. As I said before, I can't change the past...I can only make the future better.

I'm keeping this vague...but it means something to get this out in the world. I'm taking the harder road, the one that makes me burn, burn, burn like flaming roman candles... It's by no means the easy road... and I wouldn't want it any other way.

This is worth it. I'm sure.

I am apologetic... beyond belief.
Tuesday, June 4, 2002 09:26 a.m.

Oh, geeeez... How much more messed up could it be...first...I don't tell E that we should meet at 74th Roosevelt... and I wait an hour and worry myself physically sick... but then she goes to my apt. building and has my doorman give her the twenty questions treatment...startign with "Are you Abe's fiancee".... and if that wasn't a bad enough freak out... I didn't go grocery shopping and had to pull some last mintue pasta thingee out from the ether.

And then we had a good time talking about Absalom, Absalom, and being distracted in other ways... but lo and behold, Abe, the idiot kills everything by being giddy and play ful and giving his gfriend the finger ...because he wanted some attention... How immature, how childish, how completamente BAKA, AHO, PABO, BEN DAN of him...oh, wait...that's me.

I'm sorry...sometimes in times of stress/excitement/emergency...I go into "looney tunes" mode... too much of a good or bad thing will set me off. It's not until after the fact do I realize what an @$$ I've been. I apologize from the deepest recesses of my "special" being.

I been eating too many retaaaaaahd sammiches.

Oh... sweetness added a cell phone to her arsenal...it's pretty cute... like her. :)

I am number one Chineeee boy, please to date-o with me?!?!
Monday, June 3, 2002 09:19 a.m.

Well.... let's get to the interesting part. Friday night. Wonderful. I get a certain hot little number all to myself. We went to BR to spend my gift certificate, and to Pearl Paint where I go into full "sugah daddy" mode and shell out the dough for some much needed art supplies. I see it as investing/sponsoring an artist. I would have spent even more money...but she only got what she needed. Hey, it's not everyday I feel so generous...take advantage! Silly girl.

Next we head over to Bar 89, the one with the cool bathrooms (and supposedly haunted...sssshhhh I didn't mention that.) Had a mojito and some lovely food. Then BBar for overpriced drinks... a heart-to-heart about the past, present, future...while the T-storms raged above us. And finally... the Stoned Crow... where the fixins are free and they have Strongbow on tap. We had a lovely time getting a bit sloshed and ....a little affectionate. All in all....it was a lovely date... and since we are "seeing each other exclusively"...I'm expecting many more. Was this our first "official" date? I guess it was if you think that going out for dinner and drinks is a "real date" ...I'd like to think it was "sort of the first out-out"...oh, labels perturb me.

Saturday: Went home for food... Gym, cleaned up. Back for dinner...played with the kids.That's about it.

Sunday. More gym, light shopping. Church...Tim Keller blows me away...he's just a brilliant guy. Last weekend...the church bulletin opened with a quote from Fight Club...how cool is that ?!?!?

Ugh...Monday...but maybe after work things will be better.... I wonder why....

Jene and the tongue...
Friday, May 31, 2002 09:42 a.m.

Well... I was distracted at work because someone was whipsering in my ear all day ! It was cute...got me through the drudgery.

So, Esther picked me up from work...I showed her the digs. We went on over to Bryant Park for a little while before we picked up her housemate, Jene. Jene was really, really funny. Her impression of one of their other friends has piqued my curiosity... in any case.. .X-men, Jeff Buckley, and the proverbial "fuckers" were the hot topics over dinenr at Cocian Cuzco.

After dinner we took Jene over to 100 Centre street where she would be interviewing today. Afterwards...I snuck Esther over to Applebee's ( yuck, I know) in Times Square where we had a little alone time over a mega margarita and oreo milkshake.

Speaking of shakes...I walked her home...and got a hearty handshake. That's it. Seems like the no-PDA rule is in full effect. Lucky me.

So, it seems as if I've met one of her dearest friends... so I guess she's gonna have to meet mine. Maybe next weekend...

I'm very happy and content. Indie boy ---> Eurotrash... that would be moi.

oh, TGIF, BTW.

unsure of the certainty...
Thursday, May 30, 2002 09:15 a.m.

well... first day back after a brief hiatus...it was interesting trying to work while I am distracted. C came back from her trip...the UK was kind to her and Sunny...though she is a little forlorn...lack of drama and stuff...

hit the gym for a little bit... this 4 mile a day thing has been pretty good to me...kind of helps that I can't eat or sleep properly...all my vices intact and all...

Sometimes phone calls or lack of them fills me with dread.... it's the whole bi-polar thing getting to me... things can be going great and then the curveball, the change-up and I'm thrown for the proverbial loop.

You can only really be certain of your own thoughts and feelings. Why worry when there isn't much you can do to change them? I am myself... this is me. I can't offer much more than that. I've always tried to live my life with the Victorian/Romantic ideal of LOVE, TRUTH, BEAUTY, and the rest. If I'm true... I am true.

What I feel is as certain as gravity. You can't change that.

so...this is how it begins.
Wednesday, May 29, 2002 09:26 a.m.

well... Eunice came over Friday night and had dinner and watched some anime... I was a little upset because of something...but it was resolved pretty quickly. In any case... we had a good time.

Saturday went by in a blur of gym and food shopping.

Sunday was church and more shopping.

The rest... was... something I'll keep for the real journal. What I can say is that... she is home.

(that sentence means a lot more than you think.)

So, I am looking forward to long talks about Faulkner and Braque, trying to figure out which anime to best introduce to a newbie, what movies would have the same unexpected effect that Notting Hill has, and what else I can pull out from my bag o' tricks.

I'm v. happy. I love Bridget Jones.

Just call me Mr. Darcy.

it's catching up to me...
Friday, May 24, 2002 09:20 a.m.

Ok...ok...I caved...I can't take the 3 hours a night sleep regimen much longer...that's why I didn't go to the gym and went home, ate, showered, and slept... before 9 PM ! Esther called around 1 and we talked until about 4.... I'm going to miss these late night conversations. But the trade off will be that she'll be in NY. I would much rather have it that way. :)

I may have to hide this weekend... sorry TnM and Sapphy....I have no cash until next week...kind of spent it all...eeeep.

Eunice is coming over to play DDR for the first time and watch Titus...we've been trying to watch it for like 2 years now! In any case...it will be fun. She hasn't even seen the TV yet ! WOW..it's been a while.

TGIF !!! Short day too...wow...I cannot wait until Monday...why won't Monday come sooner ?!?!?

keeping it to myself...
Thursday, May 23, 2002 09:31 a.m.

well...I think I've been gushing in public for long enough...from now on...I'm going to be keeping a lot of things exclusively for "the real journal." So... I'll entertain questions...but really... there are some things that are really meant for the two of us.

Appplying for a job at Maxim! I've always wanted to work in the entertainment field...so we'll see how it goes...I might have too much of a high brow background...and then... would there be a pay cut? We'll see.

Hurting...but better now...didn't go to the gym last night. But I will tonight.

Lunch with Doris? Hang out with Eunice? Book Off with TnM and Sapphy? Eeeep...I have no money and time to spare...so who knows.

Dinenr with Justin and Mom last night... it was nice that I didn;t have to cook for once...I'm sooo tired...I wonder why.

Esther went to Foxwoods and a friend won 15 bucks for her... we talked... until 5...It won't be like this for long, once she gets home...it will be different. I'm getting used to just coasting on 3-4 hours of sleep. It's not a problem when she keeps me up. Sleep is overrated.

need to worry ?
Wednesday, May 22, 2002 09:28 a.m.

yes... more threats against NYC... makes me feel uneasy. I just don't get it... please leave us alone.

Lots of work yesterday...YUCKO... went with Georgene to look at stores in the 'hood...she's a self proclaimed "rube"...so it will take her a little time to get used to the big city. She's on vay-k in London at the moment. I wish I could leave here...

More gym... I ache all over... I'm sore. These are the silly things I do to impress a certain someone... needless to say...I will be back again tonight...if I can stay up.

BUFFY!!! FInale was pretty darn good... some nice set up for next season...all I have to say...YAY SPIKE !

A little psychic moment... decided to listen to my SUEDE mix for the first time in MONTHS...then stopped in to SUncoast and lo and behold... a SUEDE DVD ?!?!? Import only... and NTSC too !! WOOOO... great stuff...and I used Replay coupons ...so it was free !!! YAY !!!

Esther, my sweetest gumdrop... we had a nice long talk until 4:30 last night... some things are just... I dunno... "unique" to our situation... we cut through so much of the small talk and crap early on... it may seem that we've only been together a short while... but really...that's just time. In terms of where we "are" I think that's a different story altogether. We are not like other people and we shouldn't go looking for measuring sticks to compare. This is ours. This is OURS. In any case... I'm very happy... and I can't wait until she is home and with me.

aaaaand did I mention she got a 4.0 this semester and is graduating with some kickass honors? aaaaand...she is smart as a scholar, sensitive in more ways than I can count, mysterious, hilarious, kooky, full of "stories," sweet as all getout, gorgeous, with a body I've only seen in comic books and anime? Goodness...who is the lucky boy !??!?! *points to self*...and *again*.... :)

So...things are still moving along... and my heart is full. God is in His heaven and all is right with the world...that's what I would love.

unfounded fears and such...
Tuesday, May 21, 2002 09:18 a.m.

Monday, bleccch...but still thinking about the good stuff coming up next week...that's the only thing that will get me through...

Georgene is in NY...she's living 3 blocks away from where I work... man, she's really, really tall... almost as tall as I am...in any case...she's got a swanky apartment for the summer and knows that most of my time will be going to my favorite gal...so ...

I guess trust and faith need to go hand in hand. Things in our past are just that...there is nothing to change that...we can only look forward and look at now. The things that scare me...well, they would scare anyone...they are natural fears....but maybe thinking that "this time it's different" isn't so naive. Maybe this time it really is... only time and wisdom will bring everything into view. As always, it's clearer in retrospect...so enjoy the moment! Goodness... less worry...more hope. Let's pray about this, shall we?

LOOOOONG time at the gym... 2 hr. 30 session! Man... I'm surprised I'm not hobbling around considering all the stuff I did...100 crunches, 7 mile run, dips...ack...dips...and all that arm and chest stuff...well... there is a reason I am torturing myself into shape. Babygirl, you know it ! (eeeeew....I know...I can't help the sweet talk.)

speaking of which... spent the night watching the Others...somewhat predictable...but with lots of twists and turns too...I liked it a lot. STayed p...watched some Ranma...still can't get enough of it...and Esther called at 2...she went to her school's club night...she SAYS she rushed home to talk to me... :) I'm glad she misses me some but I know I miss her more... (eeeeew)...so 4:30 and we are still talking and I don't want to let her go. In any case... she'll be home in 6 days...so... it will be 6 days of me being quite the wuss...and then... more so.

nothing...
Monday, May 20, 2002 09:20 a.m.

absolutely nothing happened this past weekend...

actually...nothing I would care to share with the world. but I will say that I am incredibly happy, content, and hopeful.

the stuff that matters, really matters...goes in the real journal... paper and ink.

I AM FAMOUS !!!...well...I should be.
Friday, May 17, 2002 10:40 a.m.

Stupid me...the Grade 9 book was bound and done and it just occured to me that I haven't seen it...

In any case...I have 3 whole color pages and I'm right before Emily Dickinson!

I appear in the Table of Contents twice...once for my poem "Folding Won Tons In" and once for the "Reflection" on why I wrote it...

Sooooo...if the textbook stays in print...and my stuff survives any revised editions...I will be in print for a long, long time.

I'll put some scans of the pages up when I get my copy of the book.

YAY !!! Bragging rights !!!

amazed you will be !!!
Friday, May 17, 2002 09:20 a.m.

well...another packed day... work and more work then off to KMART for "supplies" etc...also got new GetUp Kids cd...which is much lighter ala Superchunk's last few...I should just call them 'Chunk Jr....and the Rubyhorse advance CD...wooooo !!!

Talked to Esther on IM...which always makes the day better and go faster... I'm excited ...beyond excited to see her.

Attack of the Clones ! Went with Justin, Chris, and Nina... sooooo much better than Ep. 1 !!! But some of the cheesy dialogue and bad acting...ack... and goodness... can someone please fry jar jar..e.ven 2 mins. of him is too much. But the story line and where things are headed fro Ep. III are very promising...I can't wait. AND YODA!!!! I thought it wouldn't work...but man...I was really impressed. Like everyone says...the last 20 mins. or so really make the film. And can Natalie Portman be any hotter ?!??!

Home late...late dinner... sugah is packing and going to Six Flags... so I actually got to sleep for 7 hours...woooo !!!

TGIF...you have no idea !!!

*is giddy as a schoolgirl*

jam packed... and some drama.
Thursday, May 16, 2002 09:29 a.m.

yucko...first day back and I actually have work...seems like my cube neighbor Amie is leaving...I'm so sad ! She's my hair metal buddy! We should hang out when she's not here... she's actually one of the normal people here...sad.

And C left for Ireland/UK !!!! Walked her to meet with SUnny after work... sad...what am I gonna do for two weeks without her ?!?!? I feel so empty. :P

Had lunch with sowon and jen... talking about the whole couple thing...kinda sad...makes me a little pessimistic...but we are different! I AM DIFFFERENT... I don't like the way the world works sometimes...Lord, I need strength !!! STRREEEUUUNNGGTH !!!

went to the gym... quick workout...but I'm beat.. headed over to Costco and Kmart to get some much needed supplies... for "supplies" ...heee heee...I am cheezy.

Esther called me while I was at Kmart...sounded a little distraught...seems like she was getting bombarded with questions from people in Boston...I'm sorry...it spreads like wildfire... mostly because I am BELOVED...I kinda wish things were quieter...but soon, soon...All that really mattters is us. And I've always been the "lone wolf" type (HAYAMA !!) and I never get embarassed easily...but my poor baby... I'm so sorry... I will make it up to you...BIG TIME.

Anyways... not much sleep... and I'm happy to miss it. Esther should be done with her last final right about now. Did I mention how proud I am ??? How smart she is ?!?!? Goodness, she's such a catch. She deserves me ! :)

Got Star Wars tix last night also... so 6:50 tonight...taking Chris, Nina, and Justin... he's gonna bring a lightsaber... cute ! I can't wait !

back from the West...
Wednesday, May 15, 2002 09:32 a.m.

man... I really do not want to be back. I had a great time out west...but it was much too short... and it was jam packed... let me just list some of the highlights. Ask me questions if you need more info.

LA family stuff: Stayed at my uncle's place with his wife and the baby-Alyssa...she's sooooo kawaii!!! But boy, does she have a temper...moddy kid. Loves you and hates you in a matter of minutes. My uncle really took care of us... his wife was awesome too. They are definitely one of my fave relatives. My oldest uncle and his wife came around and took us out for dinner and Serena was around....but no Felicia. I love my cousins to death...we have such a fun family. And then we visited my Mom's side...her aunt and cousin. Which was fun...though they are definitely older. All in all...family was good.

VEGAS: dude...my uncle got da hook up ! He got us VIP treatment at the Mirage (home of the gaybeyondgay Siegfried and Roy)... it was awesome. It was like old 60-70's ratpack style... down to the Paul Anka concert that my uncle got tix for... yes, that Paul Anka. Justin actually loved it. He's such a weird kid ! I played slots...lost like 5 bucks. Not a big deal... spent a lot of time on the phone with my honey (hee hee...that sounds so weird... indulge!) and hopping on every free DDR machine. I learned that it's much easier to play at home.... people watching me really throws me off. Not to mention all the DDRFreaks that can do Afro-Nova on Expert... crazy.

Bellagio and Monte Carlo...I want to stay there next time... and NYNY was fun... Justin spent most of our time there playing games. The food was ok...buffet and all that...but the VIP suite...manb... talk about nice. The jacuzzi alone and the two tv's and the snacks that got sent up... whew. I definitely want to go back...

LA: hung out wiht my other cousins in Palos Verde...which is supposed to be like a crazy rich neighborhood...though I have no idea how they can afford that. Hung out with Jen, Enny, and Linda...they love me ! I haven't seen them since the NY stuff that went down... and we all share a bond because we went through that together. In any case.... Jen is moving up in the hollywoodagent field....I'm so proud of her ! And our plan for world domination is in full effect. Enny and Linda think it's sweet that I have it so bad for Esther...heehehehhe... It's undeniably cute. It is.

Oh... didn't get to see Karen...bummer. :( Took Justin toi Disneyland...which was great because there were no lines...and Space Mountian rocked my world... twice. Indiana Jones was pretty cool...and the Matterhorn hurt my @$$. Lots of those rides are inappropriate for kiddies...come on! They be scaaaaaawy ! DARK !!!! and the Honey, I Shrunk the Audience thing with the leg swishies... eeeeeeew!!! But I actually kept my eyes open through the whole Haunted Mansion thing...back in '84 , I didn't... sorry. I was but a wee tike!

Jetblue is pretty sweet... directTV and all. Home... no sleep. My other uncle picked us up in his new Santa Fe... Mom wwent to work...me and Justin went to sleep...but not before I talked to youknowwho for a bit. I'm sorry ! My day is incomplete without her!

Random stuffies: Happy Bday Jen Yun!!! (I didn't forget)... Christine is leaving for Ireland tonight... so sad... my animelunch buddy! How do I survuve without her for 2 weeks !?!?! Carpy...you sweetbastich...thank you for the discs, I will enjoy them heartily. Amazon stuff coming! Lots of DVDs I won't have a chance to watch... must start ebaying stuff.... big weekend. Clean up! Eric loves the Get Up Kids !!! and um... need to practice DDR...and um... did I mention I am crazy about this girl ??? @_@

if Spidey can stay up all night...why can't I ???
Wednesday, May 8, 2002 09:21 a.m.

so... had an odd day of wrok and fun...sent Eun Joo a little package o' lovin' from NYC. Nothing much, but enough to keep her wanting to come home...soon.

IMed Eric about the situation...I think he gets it... He's entitled to be worried...but then on the other hand... things are taking care of themselves.

Does anyone think this blog is really the complete record of my thoughts? You must be kidding me...this is just light and fun for ya'll to share in ! Come on! Had a nice chat with Nina about E... and picked up tix for Spidey. Got Justin from Carnegie Hall.. my Mom lost grandma and her friend ???

Anyways... Spidey was awesome...what a good movie. Fun and action... all around good stuff. But the cheezy dialogue between Peter and MJ ...ahem... reminded me of two other crazy kids. Cheez abounds.

AAAAAND..I saw Sapphy coming out of the movie theater as I was going in!!! ...She was with some guy...hmmm.. but I got a nice hug and I showed her the "infamous photo" ... I guess word got around AOD. Cool.

Came home and typed up Justin's report for him.... and called my gal. It was weird cause she had a lot to do for one of her art classes...and I was whining for some attention...that she eventually gave me! YAY ! She is very generous with her time... in fact...we may be a little too generous since we talked until 8 AM !!!! Our phone bills are going to be ridiculous... but it's only fgor now... when we are seriously falling for each other and seriously far far away. It will be different when we are together.

We had a deep conversation that covered a lot of stuff that I WOULD NEVER share with anyone but her. It's so exciting ...we connect on so many levels. I don't want this feeling to end. And she feels the same... she feels the SAME ! She doesn't want no sissy "pretty boy" ...she's got me... and I'm pretty dang cute!

So yeah... I think we cleared up a lot of stuff...and we are just anticipating Mem. weekend... when the wait ends.

Vay-k !!! I just need to make it through today....

Sleep... who needs sleep ???
Tuesday, May 7, 2002 09:43 a.m.

It was a weird day...I kind of floated through it... staring at my picture of Esther and having my co-workers look at me kind of funny. It was weird. C was acting a little weird when I told her... Iguess she's happy for me.. maybe a little sad for herself. I'll always be her friend and she'll always be my anime buddy.

Which brings up the question of how my friends are going to take this... I guess it's that weird place where my female friends kind of realize that they are losing me... in fact...I feel LOST ...:) Esther... wow... she's incredible...I'm not worried about letting go and thinking about how it's going to be the two of us for awhile. At least... I don;t have to feel like so much the third wheel when I hang out with the old crew... I guess we are all involved now!

Running on little sleep...I actually packed and slept at 10:30 ish... Estehr called at 12:30 and we talked until almost 4. I guess we are both kind of tired...but it's such a marvelous tired-ness. We can talk for hours...and sometimes it's not about much... but I love hearing about how she's finishing up... and how she is getting ready for her art show...and how her return date to NY keeps getting pushed up... so as it stands...I'll be seeing her before the end of May. We've been imagining what's going to happen...and how it will happen. It's kind of terrifying...but exciting.

I'm babbling...but come on...I'm allowed, huh ?

Spidey with Justin tonight ...maybe Nina might come... we'll see...then tomorrow...and off for vay-k !!!

Belle and Sebastian... good...but something better at home.
Monday, May 6, 2002 09:15 a.m.

I'm going to have to apologize to Yvette. I was pretty distracted last night at the concert. It was fabulous and Belle and Sebastian played an amazing set... the new songs sound great. "Sleep Around the Clock" was a great choice to open... and my favorites " State I Am In" and "Fox in the Snow," "June bug," "Mayfly," etc... and an AMAZING cover of ..."Stayin' Alive!!!" and some really genius moments from Murdoch and the crew.

But I was distracted... I was telling Yvette about Esther all night and pretty much sickened her. She threatened to slap me if I didn't wipe the goofy grin off my face.... but I didn't and she didn't. In any case... happy early bday, Y. We will come over for BBQ one of these days.

I rushed home... took a shower and got ready for bed and called her... you know HER. The illustrious HER in my life... anyways... she sounded a little upset because some crazy middle aged woman was harassing her by her house... even to the point of waiting for her outside and trying to get in the car where Esther and her housemate were in. It was really scary... and they called the police. So...promise me promise me not to go to the studios by yourself. I don't think I could take it.

Well... she was a little upset for another reason...because I think my brother is being a little overprotective of the both of us. He was talking to her about us...and basically... I don't think he gets the full picture. I'm waiting for him to call me back so we can talk.

I talked to my girl for a long, long time. It was wonderful...the more time we spend on the phone...the more we find we have in common... or we really, really like in the other person. I'm making check marks next to my "ideal" list...that's how good it is getting.

I have to admit...we both are scared...and it seems a little fast...but we have this month to get to know each other without the "distraction" (but a really, really good one I am waiting for) of being face to face just yet. I think we both can be a little braver on the phone. Honesty comes through a little easier in the world of disembodied voices.

But her voice, her laugh. My goodness.... I'm really delirious and happy. I can't believe it. When she talks about Faulkner and Picasso, when she plays hard to get because she knows I like it, when she tries to scare me by asking silly hypothetical questions, when she tells me I make her feel "prettier" .... this is what I am living for.

So, please... if you are of the praying kind. Send up a prayer for these two crazy kids. It's terrifying for the both of us...but it feels right. We're going to take it slow... but we are taking it. Carpe diem and all that, I suppose. ....and I plan on making her swoon. A lot.

Running on 2 hours sleep... it's completely worth it.

Everything changes now...
Sunday, May 5, 2002 05:16 p.m.

let's just skip the mundane and get to the facts:

I'm officially off the market now.

It just happened... friday night was pretty low key. Me and Esther got to talking around 11 and... it was the same comfortable stuff that's been going on all week. Except...one thing led to another and we somehow ended up talking about...us. I'm not even sure what happened, or what it was that led up the discussion. But it just came out and we pretty much decided to give this a shot and be together. I was pretty delirous, happy, scared, and anxious...but for the most part overjoyed. I can't believe how everythign seemed to work out in our favor. How the timing of us getting in touch worked out so perfectly. Again, I really think it was God's hand... letting us find each other. Anyways, I'm feeling a little like this: @_@ now. Which is an amazingly good thing.

I got about 4 hours of sleep and I wanted to call Esther as soon as I got up. But I guess she was sleeping when I called and in the meantime...it was Sue that called me...so I told her the good news. And she was happy for me. She said "Isn't it ironic that I was the first person you told?" ...my goodness...it was. Timing. Since Sue called...and we talked about the past...I've gotten some major amount of closure and healing in my life. It's made me a better man...for myself and Esther. So...she wins!!!! 2 points!

So...basically...I ended up calling a bunch of friends to tell them the good news. All my gal pals that have been rooting for me are ECSTATIC. And I'm sure Esther is gonna get some " Abe is sooOoOooO wonderful! You better not hurt him..." speeches... or I think she will. :) But for now... It's all very new and exciting. Patience is a virtue. And she has been so worht the wait.

More stuff... aunt was over, the babies were over... they saw how giddy I was (which isn't pretty) ...and then I had Doris' and Elaine's friend's parties to go to. I met up with Elaine and got Doris some flowers...we were early! Ack.. Steve ... from Science was there, then Alex from Stuy (he's a model scout now...DREAM JOB!) , Elisa , and finalyl Doris and Carl...Doris spent a week at a spa...and she was feeling and looking good. I had a pic of Estehr that I was proudly showing off. Elaine threatened to rip it up if I took it out one more time. but I couldn't resist. I'm siwwwwy. So we stayed for a little bit and went off to find Elaine's friend's party....which was NOT at Bowery Ballroom but at the Bowery bar...which is B Bar...I just never heard anyone call it "Bowery bar" before...in any case...I got a little tipsy...and called Esther a few times. Sorry honey !

We talked on the phone as I wlaked to the train... it was soooo good hearing her voice. We were both a little scared but I think the more we talk, the more we feel comfortable with each other...things would wwork out for the best. I'm kind of glad we have this month apart...it gives us some time to get in each other's heads and hearts. I love it.

Sunday...got up late...I missed church ! Was supposed to take Justin to see Spiderman...but it was sold out until 6:30! No way ! So we finally got him an i-zone camera. I think he's pretty happy about the Estehr thing. We called and left a message to say hi ! :)

So that brings it back to now...gettign ready for the Belle and Sebastian concert...I'm awfully sleepy...and I just want to talk to "you know who" and not go out...but I got tix for the show and it is Yvette's bday. So off we go.

More on this tomorrow morning. Right now, let me be silly and crazy about this talents, smart, funny, witty, beautiful girl. Be happy for me! I sure am....

rest ! and stupid teen movies...
Friday, May 3, 2002 09:32 a.m.

Running low on sleep... so zombied my way through work. C was actualyl nice to me and only kicked me in the shins...twice ! Awww...what a cutie! Then ... more work and lots of IM with my fave person... :) and IRC... but I was productive!

Then... off to get some comics and met with Nancy... she's been dealing with the new boyfriend... apparently he's a bit clingy. Which is funny for me.. since most of my friends that are girls act like guys ... so...it was worth a chuckle. I'm glad things are working out for her...I guess. I still have reservations...and as always...I am the mother hen.

Got home... cooked...ate... watched Friends and Not Another Teen Movie...which was really, really funny...but I don't think anyone actually in their teens now would get the movie...loads of John Hughes references...who but Gen X and Y would get that ? Anyways.. .Chyler Leigh and Mia Kirchner are... scorching. The soundtrack is AWESOME all 80s new wave covers and stuff... I actually got the soundtrack before I got the movie... Scott Weiland and depeche mode !! WOOOOO. And Chyler Leigh in the Manson "Tainted Love" video... forget it !!! Goth chick ownz me !!! Oh...I highly recommed the "Rock Star" soundtrack... good stuff...and "Stand Up" is a dangnab good metal song! ZAKK WYLDE !!!!! waaaaahoOHHOhoooooo!!!

Speaking of who ownz me... I'm kinda getting used to talking to E everyday...it's kinda nice...I think we are still kind of going through the quirky superficial/silly questions...but every once in awhile we touch on something a little deeper. She has ggggrrreat stories. Coke bottle label loose? Just lick it ! ...um...ok.

TGIF !!! FUn weekend...and Vegas, baby, Vegas next week !

ow... hurtin'.
Thursday, May 2, 2002 09:44 a.m.

So my little day off turned out ok... not much rest though. Woke up at noonish... had lunch...watched the new Buffy episode... sad sad... thjen hit the gym... which I think made my "burning hot legs can't sleep at night" thing worse.

anyways... got a bunch of stuff... DVDs and what not... had dinner at home with the folks and played with Justin.. went to Costco and Best Buy...got some aniem DVDs...and then my Dad locked the keys in the car ! So we had to wait around while his friend picked up the spare key from my Grandma. sigh...SUe called and left a psycho message... reminds me of the old days. :) But now, I'm kind of frightened....

went home and puttered around a little bit,,,got ready to go back to the working world and such. Talked to Esther again... and she's just fulll of surprises. I describe her as a bowl of candy where each piece gets ebtter and better...from strawberry bon bons, to Kisses, to milky ways and snickers. Each time I learn something...I just want another tidbit. I really like her art work...it's very organic...but there is a good amount of precision and construction involved. Interesting choice of palate too... I like the circles one the most... motion. She is in so much trouble when she comes back to NY. :P

I'm so tired today... 4 hours sleep and not restful sleep... No gym for me today...definitely not. Rain is yucky.

Flickerstick...sore back an legs...and um MolEsther
Wednesday, May 1, 2002 12:36 p.m.

well... I had to take a sick day... but more on that later... Yesterday was plenty of things...lots of busy, chart work and stuff. But best thing was C is ...buying anime cels! She got more CCS ones and is looking for Inu Yasha and Kenshin...first cels, then maybe dojinshi... next year... MEOWPIE-CON. She's gone over the deep end. HOORAY !

Flickerstick... well, Elaine and I met up at Spring Street Natural for an early dinner of mahi mahi and she had the salad. Next, Starbucks where she finished her article, and we walked to Bowery Ballroom... a bit early ...but we got to meet the band ! They just walked out ! But I had no pen for them to sign my man boobs...so they left. So we wen tto Vig Bar and had a heart to heart about all the rotten people in our lives and all the good stuff too. I like Elaine. She's funto be with and a good concert buddy. We can be silly and enjoy the RAAAAAWWWWK.

The opening band was really, really good. Rubyhorse is an Irish rockypop band. Check them out. And the Stick..they were in top form... But they did like a reverse setlist! Opened with Xecution by Xmas Lights and Beautiful....played most songs except Hollywood, one new song and closed with Telepathic. Brandin almost got knocked oer by accident..Fletch was getting into it and bumped him this close to the edge of stage.... fun show. but no ENCORE ?!?!? Oh...mor eorange-y stuff... my wristband was orange and one of the guitar amps was orange and was ORANGE brand! weird.

Trains are not running uptown !! SO had to take it further downtown...and come back around...Anyways..got home around 1 when Esther called! EEEEK. Took a quickshower and called her back. So..we end up talking till after 5 am...and I'm having leg cramps and a sore back anyways. And I can't stop talking to her about anything and everything.We ar ein the "getting to know you" mode. Interesting. She's adorable and silly and the more I talk to her the more it seems we have some sort of psychic rapport. Don't give her any coke, don't try to hug her, weirdness can be bad, you ight understand hr through her art, she's "nice" and she has grrrreat stories. Ask her about She-Ra. So taking a sick day. Dang...my back hurts.

is it worth the pain?
Tuesday, April 30, 2002 09:31 a.m.

my goodness...I don;t know if it is worth the pain to hold onto a strained friendship...is it jsut misunderstandings...or who we are as people... we wear our insecurities on our sleeves and we are surprised when we get hurt??? BAKA.

C made my day yesterday... she said she wanted to me to make her a loaf of banana nut bread...(which is really hard) in my bread machine...one thing led to another and we were yelling in the street about... I DON'T WANT YOUR BREAD !!! I WILL MAKE BREAD FOR YOU !!! it was pretty funny.

work and frantic last minute stuff...

IMed with Sue a little bit...it was weird...but she hasn't chnaged...at least in her weird tangential ways....

Transformers box set !!! woooo !!!

Esther, my dear... my lovely robot. We need to destroy this hard candy shell! Murakami eyes on your spine ?!?!? KOWAI! *that means "scary"*

Otaku No Video smells... yucko.

FLickerstick (again)...tonight with Elaine!!! Let's have a coke in honor of El Dangeroso!

Does the drama never end ?!?!?
Monday, April 29, 2002 09:29 a.m.

My goodness...this might have been the most dramatic weekend I've had all year... Let me try to retrace this step by step.

Friday... work was work... really slow day. C was busy with Jennie's party...so no lunch... but I went and got a bunch of CDs. :P Eric got tix for the y100 Feztival in Camden, NJ. We got PIT tix...which means...we will be up close for Jimmy Eat World, Incubus, Systemof a Down, dashboard confessional, Alien Ant Farm, etc... wooooo !!! 12 hours of pogo-ing....Then...basically killed times since there was no real work here...at all. SO...I went off to meet Esther for the first time. And it was a moment...she was alittle late...so I went to take a look at some sale stuff... and I looked up and there she was. Just kind of standing there, head tilted, crooked little smile. Needless to say...she was cute.

So... we went to SPICE..my fave restaurant as everyone knows... and we talked. IN PERSON... which is weird. I think I am basically the same online, here, and in person. But Esther was much more quiet than I thought she would be (from the CAPS SCREAMING...that is her schtick) ...but she was tired from job interview and getting art supplies and hanging out with her bro. ANyways... we had a nice dinner and a weird conversation (because I am the inadvertant weirdo, natch)... and had desert at la lanterna. Then we took the train to FLushing and I walked her home. When I got home we IMed for another hour or so... She is supercute, supersweet, and she ownz me. I am her bitch. woooof. I'll see her again in June.

Saturday... got up early, early to get Korn tix... KORN !!! I had great seats...but it wouldn't process...so I tried again and got ok ones...now who is gonna go with me ?!?!? I wish I had more normal taste in music...anyways... I thought I would have to do family stuff this weekend...but it turns out I didn't have to...so off to gym...where I ran 8 miles !!!! Crazy ! Then I puttered around and cleaned up...w atched tv...etc... got a lot done actually.

SUnday... I was supposed to meet Grace Kim...more on that later...at church...so I stood in the rain for 45 minutes...waiting. I ran into SImone, Linda LIN(!!!), Bobby, Irene, ...but no Grace. Well...11:45 I went into here Tim Keller... and by 123:30 service was done...and Grace was still asleep !!! :(

She apologized...but she had to go to work anyways...ah well... more gym for me... ran another 7 miles !!! That's 15 miles this weekend !!! Am I nuts or what ?!?!?

went home... cleaned...napped... got up...dinner. And then... I called.

Sue... wow...what can I say...but I'm happysad. She apologized for all the stuff thta happened back then...she was young and wild... and now...she's better. She moved to North Carolina with her parents and just got out of the whole scene in NY...the whole thing that tore her away from me, I guess. IN any case...she's doing well. God has a place in her life again...and she's coming around. She'll be in NY in a few weeks and I hope I can see her again and put some closure on this whole thing. The whole time she was gone, I never stopped loving her...but it was in a different way. I'm overjoyed that she is doing well...but I'm sad...she just didn't realize the hold she had on me back then...and there is a part of me that wishes it never happened. I just want my friend back...and that's it. ...end scene. This chapter is coming to a close.

More Esther...had me up until 2 !!! Three words to describe my first impression of her (hey...she asked) 1. reallycute 2. reallyquiet 3. huggable She hates hugs...so I had to change the last one to "niceass"...and that's one word !

And finally... whew... ORANGE...My mild psychic powers said orange would be important to Esther MolEsther this week...but it looks like it meant me! The Superchunk T-shirt I ordered was supposed to be red...but when I got it ...it was bright orange !!! ooooh...spooky.