ow.
Monday, June 4, 2007 10:01 p.m.

Yeah...she cancelled on me.

I don't want to talk about it.

Anyways, I didn't want to be completely miserable so Friday night I went out for drinks with Doris and Gloria...and then went to the bar to hang out with the bartender for awhile...then went to say hi to Eunice and her bfriend.

Saturday: More of the same...went to meet Cindy, Cathy, and Allison (friend from UK) for Baden Baden fried chicken and korean food. Wandered the streets for a bit...was going to meet up with Laura...but she was all the way in Bklyn.

Sunday: More working out...music...almost done with two songs...and Sopranos (oh...BACALA!!!) and Entourage...

Monday: Tried to be normal. She IMed me first...and we just carried on as usual...walked down for lunch with our friends and...it was a little weird...but I'm trying to keep it all in perspective.

I honestly don't want to give up...but I don't know when and if I will get a chance to see where she is...I don't know if there is a future where we could end up going out...but I don't want to lose her friendship. A lot of the blame is on me...when I think I know a girl...I go for the "grand gesture"...and sometimes it really works...and sometimes it just fails...If it's someone brand new...I go for the "clean slate" approach...and yes, sometimes it works like a charm...but in the end...it doesn't really amount to anything but fun...

Anyways, I need to get out there and start meeting people again...but I don't want to close this door yet. Who knows what will happen in the next two weeks...or two years...but I hope we keep in touch. And if we have dinner as friends...well, it's better than nothing...but I'm holding out for something...and maybe I am a fool...but I think it might be worth it.

So, yeah...it's not love...but it is definitely like...so, I just have to keep my head up...and try to continue on and not let it get to me...I have to maintain.

In other news...I officially quit today. But our head boss..her dad passed away...really sad news...so I had to go down the chain...and I'm sure I will be talking to someone soon...so, it's official.

I am really at a crossroads. I'm terrified, excited, and I know there are going to be lots of challenges, surprises, and struggles...but I know something good has to be around the corner.

sigh. Help me, Lord...it's rough not knowing...but that's life. It all means something in the end, doesn't it?

lingerie party?
Friday, June 1, 2007 01:30 a.m.

Well, I worked out...I putzed around...and then I went to the city to run some errands like get an extension cord, get some toothpaste, comics...etc. And then it was time for the "lingerie party".

Got to the store and I helped CK set up a little bit. Man, they hired some cute girls to work there. Julie, Katie, Maggie, and Jen (who was pregnant) ...anyways...got to talking to J a little bit and she wants to work in children's books...and she loves Neil Gaiman...and she's supercute. Great.

Met this other girl Helene who works for MTV...she wants to work in children's books too...funny thing is ...she knows the guy that contacted me from MTV...and the station is now defunct...great.

Met a friend of Jen's named Kelly...fun girl, tall, cute...and a model. Great. I may have asked her out...but it may have come out as kidding...eh...well, I got her contact info...eep.

Cindy came later, Elliott, Pete, Cathy, their old roommate Joyce, Doris, and we all chatted a bit...quite fun. And a little bit of wine just made me loopy since I haven't been really eating and have been working out so much...anyways...

T from the bar showed up with her sister and her niece! WOW...unexpected. And she bought a shirt that she said she would model for me when I played at the bar. And...we might hang out some time...she did tell me she broke up with the dude...she never told me over IM...and we IM at least once or twice a week..hmmm...and well, I don't know if I should even entertain the idea....ugh.

Went to Yokocho with Cindy, Michele, (two new people) Michelle, and Victoria.....had a great time and became quite friendly with them. M actually just signed divorce papers...she has two kids and is younger than me...and now her life is starting over. Wow. The whole night every one was giving me great dating advice...and they dubbed themselves the "network" and would hook me up if things didn't work out...Cathy and CK joined us later.

Didn't really get a chance to talk to Cindy until the cab ride. And it was too brief. A lot of stuff is going on in her life (and mine) and I want to be there for her. She really is one of my best friends in recent years...I love her to death. I am so glad she is back for a while...and I really hope she has time to have some quality time to hang out.

Anyways, so...I got home and the "special secret ingredient" arrived...so I am all set for Saturday. I emailed the CCW...and I hope, HOPE that she does not cancel on me.

I don't know if this is an irrational fear or what...but I can't help but worry until I am standing there with her ready to get burgers. I can't hide how much I like this girl...and if she likes me half as much...whooo boy.

Anyways, tonight was great because I got to socialize and interact with people. (and HELLO...cute girls and lingerie!??! didn't actually see anyone in anything though...not really. :P) I may even have some business hookups in the future. It was good practice for my upcoming job...and I know I am good at it...and I love it. Who doesn't like talking to people and making new friends? And to be able to make a living and work with people you like...that's the dream!

Ok, I feel confident, got a haircut (oops, did that this morning too), look and feel buff...I am ready for this girl. Sigh...I hope she is ready for me. I should be getting an email back tomorrow some time. Please. don't. cancel. Don't be a chicken! C'mon!

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers...TGIF.

more productiveness!
Thursday, May 31, 2007 01:01 a.m.

Yeah, I need a new elliptical machine. I ran this one out. The chain fell off, I cracked it open, no way to fix it...it's kaput. So, I guess I gotta get a new one soon. Sigh. Better get my exercise elsewhere.

My arms and shoulders are INSANE. I have been doing an insane amount of reps this week. I am jacked. DANG.

Anyhooo, I finished up freelance, worked on two songs (pretty much finished "T&A"...and it sounds awesome with the old skool hip hop beats) and "Settle" sounds awesome with the new guitar and the random beats that I found that seem to fit perfectly.

Pretty much all I did today. Going to get a haircut tomorrow and going to the city for "lingerie sale/party"...where I am basically going to have wine and cheese and not buy anything...

Yes, CCW is back tonight...I am dreading an email from her saying she changed her mind and doesn't want to go out...I just can't shake this feeling until I see her outside the restaurant on Saturday...sigh. Please, don't let me be disappointed before anything actually starts!

And the work lunch got postponed...thought apparently I did get a bit of a bump up in base salary...good news...will have to meet to discuss next week.

Oy...stress, please go away! Working out helps...but I am getting tired. Lord, help me through this...next week should be better? I kinda miss being at work and being busy...just a little...teeeny bit.

productive!
Wednesday, May 30, 2007 12:48 a.m.

Yup...woke up...ran for an hour, cleaned up, watched "The Last Kiss" and "You. Me, and Dupree"...neither of which was very good.

Mixed down the last batch of songs...I'm done tooling around with these. And started recording T&A ...and the new guitar, the beats, it's starting to come together. These last batch of songs...well, I have high hopes for them.

I'm getting a little stir crazy...but I really don't want to go out and spend money or eat "regular" food...so I will go out and buy some salad stuff tomorrow...work out, work on songs, finish (?) freelance stuff...and watch more movies I guess. I just need to get into the best shape I can before the business lunch and for Saturday.

Must. stop. crazy. thoughts. I really, really need to look on the positive...but once a dog gets beat down too many times...well, you know the rest.

Comics, dvds, music...you are still good to me. Amen for that. Lord, help me through this week.

Pretty much it...more of the same tomorrow?

keeping busy
Tuesday, May 29, 2007 12:44 a.m.

I got to sleep in just a little later...but I was up, working out, paying bills, cleaning up, working on music, working on freelance, and I watched Babel...which wasn't too bad...so it was a productive day.

I sent the CCW a bday text message...thoughtful but not pushy. I hope she's having fun...but not TOO much fun. I can't help shaking the feeling that she is going to cancel on me...ugh...why can't I be an optimist once in a while?

Anyways, the goal for tommorrow...get more of the freelance stuff done, mix down the last 2-3 songs left and clear some more space on the hard drive...and maybe get cracking on some new music. And of course...more working out. Just trying to keep busy and active...so I don't drive myself nuts worrying about the new job and the girl...ugh.

Is it possible to drop a few pounds in a week so I can look good for the business meeting and the date? We'll see. Must keep it up!

wow...days seem long
Monday, May 28, 2007 01:11 a.m.

Why can't I sleep past like 9:00? I was up early again...and just worked out...ran for like an hour and watched NIN concert film...and sweet shazbot...I always said that sweating is like your whole body crying...anyways...I had the subtitles on...and I was rocking out...and all of a sudden I just start crying...some of the lyrics just seemed like such a cry for help...or a prayer of someone so hurt and disillusioned...just really got to me because of all the rough stuff I've been through these past few years...and just seeing this change on the horizon..it scares me.

But it scares me in a good way...I know the new job could be very stressful and challenging...but I know I can do it if I get a little practice under my belt. I just can't be scared to venture into unknown territory. I can do it...I just have to listen, learn, and get out there in the field.

And the girl situation...again, the not knowing and the whole weird cyclical thing...that freaks me out...I don't know if "third times the charm"...but one day I want to look back at this blog and be like "wow, that's how I felt about my wife back then?" and I'll jsut laugh at how nervous I was in the beginning...urrrgh! My stomach! My neck! I am so stressed!

Ok...a few things I didn't mention...but thought I should...when I first started dating E...well, I went to Vegas...and CCW is in Vegas right now...add another thing to the list of weird coinkidinks...and a cute side note...on our way to Starbucks before our talk...she got miffed at something I said/did...and she said "That's not a good way to start a relat---" and she stopped...hmmm...slip! I'm pretty sure that's what she said...and this was pre-asking...hmmm

Anyways, I'm hoping for good things...but I am always prepared for the worst...sigh. Ok, let's look back at this entry a month from now and see the state of things...I'm hoping it's on an upswing.

Watched a lot of movies too...Shrek 2 and Shrek 3-D...ok. Smoking Aces...not bad...a little confusing...but DAMN...Alicia Keys is HAWT!...and Hard Candy...wow, that movie was intense and just awesome. I really think CCW would like it...but I guess that's something to add to conversation topics...oh well...

Ok...working out tomorrow, freelance, music stuff...that's what I gotta do.

Victory? Kinda?
Sunday, May 27, 2007 12:49 a.m.

Ok...so continuing what happened...we went to Macy's for lunch. Had a good talk about life in general and stuff and she gave me a magazine with her address on it...LOL...wonder if she wants a postcard. Anyways, so we went to Starbucks and got some drinks...and basically, she teased me into finally coming out and saying it. She confirmed that when she texted me that message...she did indeed want me to ask her out...so I said "I think we should have dinner."

She said: I don't know.

WTF?!?!? So I am absolutely confused...you don't get someone to ask you out and say maybe/no...so what the heck? Anyways...we ended up talking about this for like 2 hours...and I was sleep deprived and uncomfortable as all heck...she told me about her past...and how she has no idea that she is flirty and how XYZ...which I could not grasp...besides the fact that it had "typical girl crazy" slapped across it....and I got so frustrated that I was like "Can someone please tell this girl to just have dinner with me already?!??"...anyways, we ended up leaving Starbucks without any real closure.

And we walked back to the train station and before we even walk half a block she says..."Ok, let's go to dinner." WHAT!?? Anyways, she starts being cute and saying..."it's just dinner, don't be so happy! You got what you wanted!" Anyways...we part ways and I'm kind of confused, kind of scared, kind of ecstatic. Just weird.

So, I am exhausted and stressed out like all get out...and I have to stay awake to go to the airport. My mom, aunt, and grandparents are leaving to go to Shanghai...anyways, my cousin's bfriend helps out...and it turns out his birthday is the same as hers! WEIRD...

Ok...so the weird thing...the cyclical nature of my love life...and how it scares the crap out of me. E basically pressured me into asking her out before I had picked the right time...My relationship with S started pretty much the same exact time 2 years ago...and the whole "confused girl who can't deal" thing...well, that's all of them. Lots of stuff...and I am terrified...but I hope that the third time's the charm.

I want to say that I really don't care what happens...that I don't like this girl as much as I think I do...but it might be too late for that...but maybe she does have those "girl crazy" moments where she will scare me off. Who knows?

Anyways, I get up early this morning and go get some soda and take a walk. I come back and check my email...and she wrote me. ARRRGH! I was worried she was going to change her mind...but basically she wrote to say she loved the bday stuff, the email I sent her...and that she kinda has been dating lately...nothing serious and she didn't know if that would bother me...but hey...it would be easier if she wasn't seeing anyone at the moment..but I can't really blame her...makes things a little tougher.

So, I emailed her back explaining a bit...and just tried to chill her out but still seem confident...anyways...more on that later.

So I end up going shopping and I got a great shirt for the big date...and then went to see Spidey 3 (which wasn't as bad as everyone said...Venom looked awesome...and the EMO Spidey thing was kinda funny...but there were lots of moments of sucky...lame crowd scenes mostly) with K and R...which was a lot of fun...we talked a bit and she assured me that CCW does like me...and is confused. She thinks things will work out...me, I'm not so sure.

Got home...and dang it she emailed me again! Guess she wants me to be more laid back and ease off on the persistence...I won her over for one date...and she wants burgers and nothing fancy. DONE. She also wants to keep work gossip at a minimum...and she apologized for seeming so flirty...but seriously...she knows what she's doing...she must...can girls really be that oblivious ALL THE TIME...I think it's a defense mechanism...but we'll see. But all in all...seemed like we are totally fine for dinner. We are just going to have to take it slow and chill and not expect much. I mean, I have hopes...but equally...I can see this crashing and burning in flames. But I would have hated leaving and not knowing or taking the chance. Even if it ends up to be one date...yeah...I might be hurt...heartbroken even...but hey, it's still a learning experience. In the end...what is supposed to happen...will happen. All of this will make sense when I look back on it later. I'm just going to put it out of my mind until she comes back...and then we'll make plans.

I am so tired right now. Worked out like mad. Stressed out like mad. I just want to watch movies and sleep. But so far...things are good. Just leave it at that. I've got a week to go...and then we'll see what ends up happening...sigh. Pray for this stupid boy.

karaoke revolution...and revelations
Friday, May 25, 2007 01:38 p.m.

Ok...well, let's just skip over how awesome LOST was (when Walt showed up, the power in my livingroom shut down! I had to reset cable and missed 5 mins)...but CCW texted me "Why aren't you online?" Wanted to talk about LOST...

So, they had the surprise party for her...and it all went off without a hitch. Good times.

Ok...so Karaoke...we ended up going and getting a big room...it was pretty awesome. Had a ton of drinks, lots of coworkers came and two of CCW friends also. Sang and drank A LOT...it was NUTS. I got her and K tiaras...so it was all very cute. She wore it all night and we sat next to each other and goofed around. Very good vibe I thought...

Then we went to dinner and I had to sit with the coworker that we really didn't like...anyways, CCW texts me under the table "so when are you gonna, you know"....DOES THAT MEAN SHE KNOWS ?!?!? OH MAN. Then on the way home...I caught up with her before she got on the train and said "tomorrow I will be your favorite person"...her reply "how do you know that you aren't already?" WHOAH.

Anyways...I skipped over lots of stuff...because today I am delirious...and birthday gifts went great...and we are about to go to lunch soon...so...we'll see if I ask her now...or later...but I am doing it.

Hope and pray for the best for me. I'm putting my heart on the line again...it seems like there might be a good result...but who knows? Well, soon. I'll be sure to update. Sigh. Ok...time to man up.

Let's do this. VICTORY! (I hope...)

oh no? who knows?
Wednesday, May 23, 2007 12:04 a.m.

So...work was work today...but then things got weird...I IMed CCW when she said she couldn't type...and I replied "well, you look good doing it"...and she said "that was *almost* a pass...a smarmy one." ...WHAT? How was that a pass? But then I was like...I am so not smarmy...I am the anti-douchebag...and she was like "deflection"...anyways, the big secret was that there was an office surprise party planned for her...that I knew she would most likely HATE...it was pretty obvious....but I was hinting at stuff...and then she said "you are making me uncomfortable"...

I thought this meant that me liking her was making her uncomfortable? But I didn't say that! But then she said the whole party thing was...and then I came out and said "what? the party?" ...and she was like "what party?" ARRRGH ! I thought she was playing me! But she had it all figured out already...she came over and laughed in my face. I was miffed...but I can't stay mad at her.

So...fast forward...I texted her to say sorry about the mixup and that I was out for drinks...she wrote back "you ruin my surprise and you don't invite me for drinks? Is this a plan to kill separation anxiety?"...is that flirty? Who knows.

All I know...is I am confused and the only way this is going to be resolved is if I just bear down and do it. Just ask her. BUT...there is no way I can really do it in person. She hates being the center of attention, she likes to keep things private, and she is generally shy and lowkey at work...and what am I gonna do? Catch her outside the office? Wait until she goes down to the train?

So...I'm instilling "project: treasure hunt" in conjunction with bday stuff...and then at the end of the day I will email her and that will be that. I don't know how all of this will turn out...I honestly think she could say no...but there is that glimmer of hope.

Worst case scenario...she says no...and I have two weeks of humiliation...and then...off I go. And I will have a new job to throw myself into...and more money and confidence to go out and meet someone...sigh.

But, yeah. I hope she says yes. I think we would be so good for each other. I hope she feels the same.

ANYWAYS...went to Doris' school and dropped off some books for her...then we went to Bravest and got drinks. Karl met up with us, then Cindy and Jen!!!...and Eunice came. We had a lot of drinks, wings, fried clams, fries...and just made fun of me for being hung up on another girl...sigh.

And I oaid for most of everything...because FINALLY I could. I love having this sense of freedom...soon, but not right now...so I can't go nuts!

Went with Eunice to D and K's...and Karl had made dinner which was GREAT...and they got an awesome new HD TV...I gotta get me that HD box already...why have I not???

Anyways, yeah...this week has been life changing and stressful...and there is more to come. I'm gonna lay low and try to make it through the week without anymore close calls. YEESH.

Possibly the best day of my life so far?
Tuesday, May 22, 2007 12:31 a.m.

So...I went in for my second interview...met up with MV again and discussed my "homework" and then met with BS...who I had contact with...it all seemed to go well and they both liked me. Then went to meet up with GJ...the CEO, it turns out...apparently his wife knows Phil Levine and he reads poetry. So, we talked a bit and he asked me what my day was like...and I told him...and I thought it was going not so great...and he said "wow, your f*cking job must be boring." NO KIDDING! So we talked about how I went to Stuy and was surrounded by math and science and came out an English major and went on to MFA...creativity....it seems that's what they want.

So we talked a bit more...and not even 5 minutes and he goes "we'd love to have you aboard...go work it out with MV." I was like...did I just get hired on the spot?

I spke with MV and he said that it wasn't definite...but it looked good. And they would confer...2 hours later...and I got the official offer. They are going to try to match and give me a little more salary...and with the bonus on top of that...well, it looks like in 2-3 years...I will be close to making 6 figures. Which is INSANE. I cannot believe this. I thanked God for how all of this went.

I'm just hoping I could live up to the responsibilities...and really be able to use this opportunity to learn and produce great products. I have no idea how this is all going to turn out...but I am excited and I am ready to work my brain out and go for something completely new. This could be my CAREER...not just a job. Wow. Thank you, Lord! I am thrilled.

Anyways, more logistics to cover...but I told CCW...and she doubled over...she said her stomach was killing her because I was leaving and she was having separation anxiety! TOO CUTE! And then she gave me a pack of gum...and mentioned "Ladyhawke"...and I was like "Rutger Hauer and Michelle Pffeifer?" ...and I said "Who else is gonna get that besides me?" ..."no one"...and she walked away...gaaah! So cute!

I am going to ask her on Friday. I have this whole thing planned...and I am fully prepared for her to say "no" ...but what do I have to lose. I would rather know that I tried and failed...and deal with the consequences later...better than never to have tried and always wondered...I am leaving...and yes, I want to keep her friendship regardless...I haven't connected like this to anyone in...well, ever. But I really think that she would be missing out if she didn't give it a try...we could be perfect. Arrrgh!

Anyways, got home went to dinner with Mom and Justin...and they were both thrilled. We talked about the future and how all the crap I went through in the past might have been leading up to this...and how this might all change everything for the better. Then went to Circuit City to get Justin a memory card and I got a bunch of cheapo DVDs...including cult favorite...GOOD BURGER!!!! I LOVE that movie. So dumb...but love it!

So, lots of calls to friends and what not...so it's great. I'm loving the prospects of travelling, pitching ideas, getting stuff done and working in an exciting field. I'll likely start in July...so it gives me a little time.

AND on top of that...I got part of my tax return in today...AND my cell phone rebate! Just when I was running short of cash...AND I had a box of comics too!!! This might just be the best day I've had in a long time...or ever.

So, I'm gonna ride this as long as I can...I don't know if the girl is in the cards or not...but I've got to try...I've dealt with rejection and humiliation...and awkwardness...but I have to at least give it a shot...or regret it later. ARRRGH !

Well, things are finally looking up...praise God for miracles and hardwork...I'm hoping it lasts for a while...and that I remember this feeling when hard times hit.

Oh...and HEROES season finale...can we say awesome !!! Next season better be as good.

Ok...work (ha!) and drinks with two of my future "groomsmaids" tomorrow. Maybe three if I can rope Cindy...we'll see. WOOOO!

Good day. Amen.

what I learned this weekend...
Sunday, May 20, 2007 11:11 p.m.

Wow...time just flew by...what the heck did I do this weekend? I did laundry, cleaned up, and lots of family stuff. Watched Pan's Labyrinth...that movie definitely haunts you...no easy answers in that film...a dark, brutal fairy tale. Definitely worth watching again.

My aunts and my uncle brought some of the kids over...they still are small and give hugs and kisses easily...I'm just scared of them growing up so fast...I hugged my cousin and it was the first time I felt a bra strap and I felt so sad...my babies are all growing up...gah...why can't time just stand still for a little while longer. Ugh.

Talked to Doris....and she is a purveyor of tough love. I can't continue to be scared and not risk anything. So what if I make a fool of myself and feel awkward? That's the only thing at stake at the moment...but what do I have to gain...something awesome? I just need to remember what my cousin said to me 2 summers ago..."stop being a p@$$y."

Oh...and she did send me a random text message about Spidey....she thought it sucked and wanted to talk about it tomorrow...but I haven't seen it...and don't have anyone to see it with. :*( But hey, she texted me out of the blue. :)

Speaking of weird things...I googled myself and found that this girl has been putting my lyrics on her blog! And um...there are some very provocative pics of her on her blog...I left a post thanking her for the support..and it turns out she went to the bar and got a free CD...and loved all the songs...wow. I got hot, scantily clad fans. Awesome. :) Well, the job thing... I'll know more tomorrow...but even if I don't get it...the other issue...shouldn't I take the risk...there may never be good timing...there may never be a perfect moment...I just need to pick my fights...and go for it. If it doesn't work out...at least I'll know and I can move on.

Joyce told me that her fiancee isn't going to go to school in Illinois after all...so she will still be around. I'm glad that she will be in NY for the foreseeable future...but I feel bad for him.

Sopranos...things are gearing up...I thought for sure that one of the kids was going to bite it tonight...close, but not quite. Entourage...still good. Oh...Drama...you can do it!

Ok... got to prep for tomorrow. Re-read my document and get ready. Pray that I get this job and the girl...The job thing, well...that's really in someone else's hands now...But I must figure out what to do about the girl thing. Stress! ARRGH! It's gotta get better soon. It's the not knowing.

Tired...but good
Saturday, May 19, 2007 12:08 a.m.

I don't want to blab on and on about CCW...but she has just been on my mind lately. She is just adorable...and now it seems like my friends at work are convinced that she does like me...but I still don't fully buy it. I'm just not willing to accept anything yet...considering my piss poor luck and bad track record...but anyways...

Last night after work we went to get drinks at Me bar which is on the roof of the LaQuinta in Ktown...and I had my master's grad party there! WOW...7 years ago...anyways, CCW was cold so I fought her until she draped my jacket over her...she looked so tiny...anyways, we went to get shots for the crew and she was leaning over the bar and I thought we totally had a moment...and then a coworker that was just nuts...came back after leaving (more on her later)...anyways, I did find out how she "knew me before I met her" ...it was one of those silly survey chain mails...and she remembered a few details...which was cute...and kind of a nod to maybe she was thinking about me...anyways, she was cute and sat next to me pretty much all night...and we had a good time. She had to leave early...and she texted me that she got locked out until her relatives came back...so cute.

The rest of the crew went to Wendy's...and the crazy coworker who was talking about drugs, being pregnant before, and how her husband was racist, and how she might have been sexually assaulted in college...it was all very uncomfortable...but everyone else had a good time. K was very funny and cute and had a great time...we seriously better be BFF...I can't believe I won't see her everyday...

So today we had goodbye breakfast and lunch for her...so more time with CCW...and over IM...it was just cute...she quoted Kevin Smith...and has autographed stuff and she bought her friend tickets to red bank...home of the secret stash! WOW...she got crazy cool points from me...oh, we have a little points system...if either of us does something funny or cool...the other gets points...does that count as flirting?

Anyways, I am seriously in trouble. I don't know if I could take the disappointment if this leads to nothing. I feel like I've already invested a piece of me...and I'm terrified. I'm just no frakkin good at this. I have just been through too much. And I do not want to go through this crap again. No more.

Went out to the city and got the rest of her bday present...and I wonder if all this effort and thought amounts to anything more than a good friend. If not her...who? We have so much in common, she makes me laugh, and I think she is gorgeous...but what the heck does she think about me? And would she be ready for anything? Add the work thing...and it's got disaster written all over it.

Went to diner for my aunt's bday after...kids, Ni, mom too...ate and came home...just tired. I am just going to watch movies and do laundry tomorrow. I've got my second interview on Monday...and I really hope I get this job...

Prospects of a great job, great girl...gosh this sounds familiar...and we all know how that went down 2 years ago...and I feel like I am ready to take a chance...but does the cycle end or does the pain and disappointment return?

I am so so scared of being let down again and not being able to go on. I am so exhausted from the emotional wreck of this...it is torture to think that my life could just go on and on in this cycle of insanely depressing lows...and plateaus. When do I get to feel like God is on my side, that I am finally redeemed and healed from the past? When do I get to claim a small victory?

The next few weeks, next few days even...could really make or break me. I'm hoping for the best. I'm hoping that someone else can see me for what I am worth. I've been so thoroughly humbled these past few years...but I still strive to do better and continue. I want to make the most of the short time we have here. I'm trying so hard not to give up...but it's been such a lonely time...and I'm not sure what more I can do or try to change it.

So, please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. The jobs and relationships that you take for granted...I hope my struggles make you appreciate them more. It's hard to go through life alone...it's hard to feel like you are being left behind and taken advantage of....it's even harder when it seems to repeat over and over again. So, that's my story...I'm hoping for a happy ending.

Can I please get the girl AND the job? Can I finally get some happiness in my dark corner?

oh please...oh please
Tuesday, May 15, 2007 11:46 p.m.

I just don't want this turning into another case of high hopes dashed on the rocks...but my "interview homework" was very well received. The guy said that I gave it a lot of thought, that my ideas were doable...and that he wanted me to meet 2 other people and meet with him on Monday...does that sound like I am getting an offer? Well, not going to bank on this one...but I hope that I'm not crazy in thinking that I do have a shot. Thoughts, prayers, good vibes...please.

Had lunch with K and the CCW...and man, she is just adorable and funny...she even leaned into me when we were walking and K saw...CUTE...and I was telling her about Dr. Doom since I have been reading some amazing FF stories lately...and she came over and wrote "DOOM! RAARGH!" on a post-it and slapped it on my computer in the split second I turned away...so...adorable. And K thought that was very flirty of her...hmmm.

Anyways, I have no idea what to do at this point. I am just hoping that if I do get the job...she will be devastated that I am leaving...and realize that we were meant to be! And then I would finally be able to ask her out and not worry about work stuff...but the whole "friend zone" thing...urrgh.

Some interesting news about my family...we might be going into the film industry??? More on this later.

Eric started first day at Staples...I hope he has some kick ass office supplies...and his boss has connections that might help sis get a job too...hoping for this to work out.

COSTCO!!!! I love it. I got so much fibrous stuff...I am ready for my cereal and work out diet soon...just poop everything out...so why am I having difficulties ?!?!?

Oh...and Cindy said that her husband went to karaoke...and he met up with his hollywood producer friend and his client. The client ended up dueting with C's husband....Whitesnake! (I am so doing that next time) and he found out later that...it was Matthew Fox. CRAZY!!!

Speaking of which...LOST tomorrow. And ANTM finale...whoah. Not to mention how awesome HIMYM, Entourage, and Sopranos have been.

VICTORY !!!!!!!!

sigh
Monday, May 14, 2007 11:20 p.m.

Well, work was not too bad today...I was all in a tizzy because CCW came back and she gave me this really cute Japanese bobblehead guy...she made this whole big deal about how I was the only person outside of her workspace that she got one for...she was talking all fast and cute...but I don't know if it means anything. We IMed all day and she is hilarious...she just cracks me up. We speak the same language and just seem to get each other...which makes it so much more frustrating.

As if I didn't have enough trouble second guessing myself...the work thing just throws everything completely off and I just feel so stuck...but I want to just grab her and be like..."you, me--we work. Let's do this!"...HAHHAH!

Ok, girls...a question...maybe I'm weird...but if you call a guy "dude" does that mean you are not interested in him? Is this silly of me to think? Is it different for some girls?

Anyways...found out that one of my high school friends is pregnant! My gosh...babies now ?!?!? I am so far behind...this is like number 3 or 4 of my friends that is preggers...I gotta get my motor running and find someone...or find out a way I can weasel my way into CCW's life...sigh.

OH...we sat in a booth at lunch together and she just kinda leaned my way the whole time...maybe she is just comfortable with me...or something...but I saw her in the hall unexpectedly and I totally giggled like a school girl...GAH ! I hate being like such an idiot...someone help me !

Still reeling from Sopranos last night...and now Heroes is NUTS...and HIMYM...wow...they really do not end up together...and Barney...wait for it...END CREDITS...how awesome was that. I'm glad that the show is most likely going to be renewed...but if that was the series finale...it wouldn't be so bad...and Marshall's last look into the camera...when he realized Lily was his "wife"...I want that so badly sometimes.

Anyways...the important stuff...I sent out my "interview homework" finally...so now I just have to wait to see what the guy says...and then maybe the second interview or...who knows...I'm just tired of this place...but the CCW makes things so much better. I'm so glad she is back, tan, hilarious, gorgeous...and totally unattainable at this point.

Lord, I am just ready to find the person I'm supposed to be with...can this year be the year already? What else should I be preparing?

Working out...my arms and shoulders are jacked...but the "stubborn bellyfat"...that's the problem.

Tomorrow is payday...I am feeling ok with the world. Wooot.

Week
Monday, May 14, 2007 10:17 a.m.

yeah...been pretty busy/lazy to blog. Just a jam packed week with work and working out. Went to Crocodile Lounge with guys from work on Friday. Had a bunch of drinks...and free pizza! I highly recommend going there if you are on a budget. Oh...and my new phone is pretty awesome.

Weekend was mostly working on the interview homework stuff, watched some tv, cleaned up...and the rest was mudders. Went around with the grandparents and mom...and then went and got 3 pairs of shoes for 100 bucks...man, I feel like a girl.

Mother's Day...went to my aunt's house and it was packed with the kids and family. Lots of food and stuff...came home and watched Sopranos on DVR...and OMG...insane! Was it all a dream...or is one of my fave characters really gone? Wow...last three are going to be NUTS.

Pretty much it...and yes...the CCW is back. I IMed her last night...she should be in any minute now. I am going to avoid her.

Sick
Tuesday, May 8, 2007 09:01 p.m.

Ugh...not sure if this is allergy related or if it's a spring cold...but I just feel so off. Headachey, stuffy, and feverish...I feel ok now...but just exhausted. Something must be going around...ugh.

I spent Monday and today just resting up...worked on "interview homework" a bit...and went out and ran some errands....worked out a lot actually...thought that would help me sweat it out...but guess not. Returned some stuff, got a new phone (FINALLY), and some groceries. I've listened to the new Hot Rod Circuit CD at least 10 times...it's just so dang catchy...even if it's not anything new...love it.

Watched "Charlotte's Wed" the live action version...and it was GREAT...got me all choked up too...dang...those baby pigs are so cute. I really love kids movies. It's so refereshing to watch something innocent, funny, with a message sometimes. I love sex and violence as much as the next guy...but sometimes enough is enough.

Going to work tomorrow. Yuck...but hopefully the fever will be gone by then...sigh...tired.

BAMBOOZLED!
Sunday, May 6, 2007 11:59 p.m.

Well, after all the interview excitement...let's see...it definitely went well and I really, really would love to get this job. Travel, working with lots of different products, not all editorial, and lots of opportunities down the line. Have a week or so to come up with some pitches. I really need to brainstorm and come up with some killer ideas. They guy I would be working for is basically looking to see how I think...and how creative I can be. Have to do some research and come up with some ideas that no one else will come up with...hmmm.

Bamboozle. Got there early and it was NUTS. THOUSANDS of people. Got a bunch of free CDs and bought a few things. LOADS of free drinks. Monster Energy Drinks...um...kinds icky...like melted lollipops and guarana...but kinda addictive.

Biggest pisser: went in early to see THRICE...sat through a decent band called the Matches...but then we had to get out because we didn't have special passes...who did?

Good stuff:

Hot Rod Circuit-- I bought the new album and got a shirt for 15 bucks..the guitarist was sitting at the booth too. Cool. New album is awesome and it was great to rock out to "cool for one night" ...had to leave early to see...

THURSDAY-- playing under the name of "Bearfort" they had bear masks on too! Threw them into the crowd..."signals was awesome" but I was kinda far back...and well, the people back there were kinda lame and boring.

Saw snippets of a bunch of other people: The Starting Line--not bad...may get their album, MC Hammer, The Audition, Madina Lake (ugh...really off key in one song), hellogoodbye, a few other bands.

MUSE-- WOW...just flatout awesome I was all the way up front and they sounded incredible...just jumped and wiggled through it..."time is running out" and the best cuts from the new album...almost metal...I totally rocked out and it was the best of the night.

MCR-- sounded awesome...played pretty much all of Black Parade...then they changed and came out as "MCR" for the encore and played some older songs...not enough...but good.

Justin had a good time...but we were both tired and my feet were KILLING me...a little sunburnt too...and wired from all the Monster Energy...anyways, it was worth it. Food wasn't too expensive...and hanging out in the Giants Stadium Lots was fun...we even got to go in to use the VIP bathrooms ...which means..."running water."

Oh...and PortaPotties are gross. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO NUMBER TWO IN THOSE !!! What is wrong with people !??!? NASTY!

Happy Birthday, Doris !!! I'll take you to see Spidey 3 sometime?

Sunday--watched some tv, wrote freelance article, worked on the assignment, slept a lot...Sopranos was great...Entourage was ok... taking tomorrow off...headachey, sneezy, itchy throat...and I should spend the day working on the interview stuff. Hmm...

Listened to the new HRC album like 5 times today...I want to see them again..they are awesomeness !!!

whoo boy
Thursday, May 3, 2007 10:11 p.m.

Work...blaaarrrrgh. Working really hard and getting a lot done...but I am growing complacent...and I just want this dumb project to be over.

Went to meet up with Cindy at Shake Shack and had some decent food. Met up with a bunch of other people and ran into Dave ...Amy's brother...anyways...always good to see Cindy and she's trying to get me some connections at UGO and other places that she thinks I might be good for. Tremendous. I love her.

Comics were pretty awesome...52 finally ended and...well, it was confusing...but Countdown starts next week and I am psyched. Marvel and DC are really knocking stuff out lately. I've never been this psyched for comics...good stuff. As for Spidey movie...not sure when I am going to see.

So, my interview is tomorrow. I'm a little nervous and a little bit excited. I would love to work for this company...but I'm not sure if it is a good fit for me...but who knows. It could be the next big leap...and finally something that works for me. Who knows. I'm praying that it works out. Char has an interview at Harvard...she should be a real shoe-in.

Eunice dislocated her toe...ow. Poor baby.

Some other stuff...but I'm too tired to write. I've worked out hard every day this week...and I'm just looking forward to resting a bit...gah...soon, please.

TGIF...pray I do well on this interview....and if it works out...well, awesomeness. whooo.

...and we are off.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007 10:41 p.m.

Yup...I got an interview with a company that does guide books for comics and pop culture stuff...only thing is...it's for their educational division! ARRGH! BUT...there are opportunites down the road...and it might be a pay cut...but there is a 10-15K annual bonus...and I would get a promotion...and work in editorial, project management, AND sales...hmmm sounds interesting...and it is in the West Village...so ...cool neighborhood. Well, interview is Friday...so we'll see.

Work was work...got a lot done...and it looks like we aren't getting any help on the project...but I guess we can mangage? Just the two of us?

Watched "Children of Men"...wow...awesome realistic stuff...intense. And holy crud...those are long takes. Best scene was when blood splattered on the camera and Cuoron kept shooting...guess he had to do it all in one take and no way to cut it...that's committment for ya.

Yes, I was on the elliptical for another 30 minutes...and I got all sweaty...and am still sweaty for some reason. Exhausted. I will be unconscious very soon.

Bamboozle on Saturday...and just found out that Bearfort = THURSDAY! Psyched! AAAAAND ...THRICE is playing both days! WOOO !

Ok...must sleep. NOW !

Archived...and let the madness begin.
Monday, April 30, 2007 11:10 p.m.

Yup...April...was ok. And May...well, I've had a history of May through July as being some of the craziest times in my life. Good and bad...and I guess...mostly bad. In any case, I don't want to be wrapped up in self-fulfilling prophecies and what not...so whatever may come...just letting it.

Today begins the day of working out fiercely again. But....I did have a bagel and an awesome burger for lunch...but a very reasonable dinner...and I did get on the elliptical machine for 30 mins. today...the first time in MONTHS...AND I lifted...the most I have worked out in a long time...and I feel pretty good.

At lunch today...HK revealed she made out with some guy at a party...Good for her! I don't know what made me so wrapped up in her...I guess when you get her alone and she isn't too weird...her hotness shines through?

And yeah...I miss the CCW...it's weird. I didn't expect it...but it was probably inevitable, wasn't it? Sigh...I'm feeling like this is going to go nowhere and I may as well just give in and let the "friend zone" consume me...but maybe if I work out really hard and get my confidence up...and maybe get a new job...and and...I dunno.

It's hard to psych myself up nowadays...I know on paper I should feel awesome...but I don't and I'm just looking for something to make me feel alive again.

Anyhoo...hanging out at Shake Shake with Cindy and co. on Wednesday...and then maybe drinks with the boys on Thursday...Bamboozle is on Saturday...so gotta make up for Doris' bday sometime soon.

That's the week coming up...maybe something good will come out of May this year? Here's to hoping...